Tag Archives: Eileen Davidson

RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Please Welcome Erika Jayne!”

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A WEEK WITHOUT FAYE, HEY HEY HEY! Let us all rejoice and laugh at grown women paying thousands of dollars to freeze their pains away. Yo takes Kyle & Lisa to Cryotheraphy so that she can lock them both in a frozen chamber and try to murder them ala Scream Queens. Except Yolanda is probably smarter than the Chanels and will get the job done. Jk she doesn’t murder them yet, she just shows them how much better she is at handling a quick jaunt in -140 degrees Celsius. She saves the eviscerating for lunch when she dips her toe in the water by testing her Judas friends to see if they had her back when Rinna went on her Munchausen’s rant. It’s crickets from the two gossips. Guess these girls ain’t yo homies, no mo, YO! (Applause for that prose, right there.) Then the real smack down begins as Yolanda slides her children’s medical files over to Lisa, says, “I know what you did” and demands an apology. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Lisa speechless and it is GLORIOUS. Take the kids’ diagnosis as punishment for being a shitty friend, Lisa. Maybe you can read them as a bedtime story as you tuck Ken into bed at 5PM every night.

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In the house with a chapel built right in, Erika debates wearing her choker that says “cunty” for her next show in a closet full of gold chains and sparkle stilettos. Mikey, her creative director or more importantly, c-word enthusiast tells her to go on with her bad self and wear whatever the F she wants. Maybe if she wears a dog collar with a disgusting word for vagina on it she MIGHT even sing about sex and stuff…right Rinna? Anyway, Erika Girardi may have a place of worship in her home and a private plane for travel, but Erika Jayne takes a tour bus to San Diego with a bunch of gay dancers and sips Dom out of a plastic cup. Keep shaking it girl; you’ll get there one day.

Eileen meets Kathryn for lunch and speaks Italian to a waiter in Beverly Hills because she traveled to Italy so now it’s appropriate for her to show off her Rosetta Stone Italian. Don’t be a dick, Eileen. Since Eileen admitted to dating Kathryn’s ex-husband before they even shook hands, they already know they have something to talk about over lunch. Except oopsie, it turns out the year Marcus was smoochin up on Eileen, Kathryn was already dating him. They may have shared Marcus, but they do not share the same taste in purses. The way that Kathryn looked at Eileen’s purse you would’ve thought she adhered a Velcro one-strap at the end of lunch.

Eileen keeps it up as the white trash of the group when she wears a practical denim jumpsuit for the girls’ road trip to San Diego. She wins “most likely to be bullied for poor people clothes” on the ride there. Not for her jean camel toe that’s most definitely occurring in that tight limo, but because her shoes are from Forever 21 and everyone else is parading around with $4000 bags. Meanwhile, Erika Jayne gets her twat tanned. So at least everyone’s keeping it real. Stay classy, San Di-ahgo.

At the hotel, Rinna puts her detective hat on after being falsely accused of throwing Lisa under the bus and CRACKS THE CASE. If she didn’t say it…she wonders aloud staring at a bunch of papers with a magnifying glass, then it MUST MEAN SOMEONE ELSE DID. How is Rinna not a private investigator? She’s really wasting her God-given talents tooling away as an adult diaper model. She recruits Eileen and they’re going to get to the bottom of this. (i.e. confront Erika the second she steps offstage.)

Completely unrelated, here’s a fun fact: Kathryn is deaf in one ear and who thinks she’s going to use this as an excuse to get her out of a shady sitch later on this season? I do, I do!!! Erika Jayne better not blow out her good ear with too much auto tune screeching.

The ladies arrive at Pervert and slap a bunch of gay dancer ass. DON’T WORRY, it’s so harmless, just like throwing a tops and bottoms party. After Kyle is done touching homosexual ass (they’re not attracted to her but that doesn’t stop her from trying) she tries to upstage Erika from the VIP box with a pony swing that could make any bitch within a mile radius go blind. Erika pats her puss. OMG SHE’S SO SCANDALOUS.

After the show, the ladies have a throw down about Erika’s seaward necklace and Eileen is like EVERYTHING THAT ERIKA DOES IS AMAZING YOU ALL CAN SHUT THE HELL UP. Eileen knows what it’s like to be personally victimized by Kathryn. Also, did Eileen draw a birthmark on her face with eyeliner? I did that once in my trial days of makeup and it looked like I had a cancerous mole on my face. It’s a fine line to walk. Oh, and also Erika flat out denied narc’ing to Yolanda. But whatever. I never want to hear about this argument again. I’d rather watch Rinna dance like a mom in a gay club 1 million times than hear this fight anymore. Someone make those spastic moves into a gif, stat. Please and thank you.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Pretty Mess”

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So this episode was super boring. This episode was so boring, in fact, that Rinna having a screaming case of mudbutt and healing with yoga the next morning was something they found worth mentioning. Seriously, more than once we had to hear about Rinna’s fiery buhhole. Why? Because there was nothing else going on.

Well—nothing else except everyone slobbering all over Erika Jayne. I hate to jump aboard the train but I think I actually love Erika now too. Ugh it killed me to type that sentence. I love her for very different reasons than the rest of the housewives. For example, after taking to the Google, Rinna is actually afraid of Erika’s sexual prowess. Lisa calls her a prude and Eileen has the most interesting reaction of them all. She’s definitely a little bit turned on and a whole lot jelly. I guess Eileen has some very powerful fantasies about being in porn or something because she can’t let it go and like she has a schoolgirl crush, finds every opportunity to bring it up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see that Eileen has Erika’s YouTube page bookmarked for private times. “It’s so cool, what Erika does. It’s everybody’s fantasy.”-Eileen exclaims to the girls, who reply with blank stares like Eileen just revealed her and Vince like to have sex in a pile of garbage. Gawd, Eileen tuck your boner up into your waistband.

When the much-anticipated goddess finally arrives, the ladies all accost her the second she walks in the door, like she’s the most popular girl at the slumber party, to smell her hair and ask her what her hashtags mean. Except there might be a little popularity contest between Bethany Frankel and Erika Jayne. Since the housewives are in NY/NJ territory, we’re forced to put up with Bethany. Kyle tells a dumb story about how they met over thousand-dollar eye makeup remover or something and will always sound like a dick no matter how hard she tries. Since they’ve been friends FOREVER we get to watch them exchange old stories and inside jokes that none of us will get. Gr8 TV. Then they stalk Erika’s insta because that’s what girls do when they’re about to meet someone.

Bethany stays super discreet about her bitchy activity. Just kidding, she shakes Erika’s hand and says welcome to my home, I just looked at every picture you’ve ever posted online and my favorite was the one with your fingers up your vagina with knuckle rings on. Way to bury the lead on that one, Bethany. While Bethany asks Erika if she wants a rim job, Eileen silently stews over who loves Erika more. No seriously, I thought she was going to stab Bethany to show Erika she’s the most loyal fan. Especially when Bethany went HAM SAMMICH on Erika’s brand and the production value of her music video. Here’s why I like Erika—she sat there and listened, then calmly stated her case and that was that. The dinner party went on and she looked like the better person, especially because she wasn’t wearing a Flax onesie like Bethany (which of course ripped when she was learning how to dance like a stripper. #Karma.) My love for Erika only grew when she brought up how awks the dinner party was the next day and said, “Is she being a bitch or is she just being -Insert long pause and sinister smile- JEALOUS?!”

But enough about EJ already, the other five minutes of the episode spent not focused on her were about Eileen’s affair and how uncomfy she was when Lisa asked a lot of questions about it. The lesson to be learned here is that Lisa is nosy AF with everyone and Eileen better acclimate or become the next Brandi. And on a final note, Yo recovers from her silicon removal and David is a super insensitive asshole when he ribs on the phone to Lisa in front of his sickly wife, “Ken has better tits now.” Aaand crickets. Followed by divorce.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Hamptons, 90210”

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The ladies first group trip of the season means many things, but most importantly, it means watching them all pack as if they’re limited to space for clothes and shoes when half of them travel on a private plane. Kyle’s up first and she unearths garments from her overstuffed closet that looks like the sale rack at Forever 21 and naturally the rack collapses BECAUSE NOTHING IN KYLE’S LIFE GOES RIGHT. Lil Portia sits 2 feet away blowing on her fresh mani and laughing at her mom. What a little twat monster. Lisa packs one of her 300 pink fedoras while Ken watches. What is it that Ken does? I feel like he’s been following Lisa around this season and it’s time for him to get a hobby other than stroking Giggy and gossiping about Kim Richards. Eileen and Vince bicker when he finds out that one of her dresses/robes/mumus(?) was $500. Considering Vince only scrapes in $600 betting on horses this doesn’t bode well. HOWEVER Vince is wearing a Saratoga Springs tee, REPRESENT. See you this summer Vincey, when you win a couple dollar bets at the track.

Erika doesn’t get to packing right away, because she’s busy making up a bunch of names. She walks around her property with Laia (her executive assistant) who, from what I can tell, gets paid to follow Erika around with a notepad and scribble stuff down. One of her muy importante notes is to call Zona. No seriously, that was a name. Laia and Zona. What a cast of characters. And the biggest character of them all? Mikey—Erika’s resident “Pat the Puss” enthusiast and also professional packer. As a sassy gay friend and choreographer he fulfills his duty of throwing body suits around and shouting that he’s over it. I can’t put my finger on it but I know Mikey from somewhere. Was he in Darryn’s Dance Grooves? I need to get to the bottom of this. Anyway, the messiah that he is suggests a sheer skirt for Erika’s Hamptons trip in case she wants her vag to get some breeze action. Mikey knows what’s up.

Since doing absolutely nothing to pack was exhausting, Erika pops off for lunch with Mr. Girardi so they can talk about how they have two private planes, a small one for ‘Merica and a big one for Europe, because you can’t have just one. And then lookie here, the LAPD Chief strolls in just to say hello and grab some screen time. But actually, he walks up, says hello then walks away. But oh what a segue that provided for Erika to gush about how she knows the Chief of Police. La-di-dah.

If you ever wonder how the other half lives just cruise on over to Philly at the QVC studio for Rinna’s wild times modeling some shearling jackets and chunky sweaters. AND THEY SELL OUT. What, at QVC, sells out? I thought QVC existed solely to give Joel McHale weekly material for The Soup. Anyway, before Rinna could strut her shit and talk about jacket seams, we had to see that she chums with mad clothing designers. For example, a guy named Dennis, who brags about designing all the gowns in Nicky Hilton’s wedding and screams I love you a lot. With a flip of his aviators he’s gone and Isaac Mizrahi appars in his place. The most I know about Isaac is that he used to be in the Target commercials. So I’m not particularly impressed.

And then there’s my precious YoYo, who prepares for her boobalicious surgery in the cutest little blue leather jacket, white pant combo I’ve ever laid eyes on. She poetically describes how fortunate she is to be rich and afford this surgery and losing her monster boobs doesn’t matter at all because health comes first. It was a very poignant speech that was ruined in .2 seconds when David honka-honka’s her soon to be bye-bye rack and talks about how much he’s going to miss it. God, David, YOU PIG.

Then the most hilarious thing on this earth happens when Yolanda’s Dr arrives wearing a loudly patterned top and matching beret/chef hat. She screeches, “Am I a 10, or WHAT?!” JK she didn’t do that but she midas whale have with how ridiculous that outfit was for several hours of surgery. Since we’re on the topic of judging others, can we talk about how jelly I am that Gigi looks that flawless when abruptly woken up with Facetime? I could be camera ready and still look like Queen Woofie on extreme close-up Facetime. Anyway, I take back everything I said last week. I rarely go take backsies but I would rather watch Rinna get her taco waxed than get all up in Yolanda’s implant surgery as it’s happening. If I missed any portion of Yo bleeding out from her chest though, I guess I could just check up on the nurses’ instaG. You know, the professional nurse who had her phone out snapping pics of Yo sliced open on the operating table.

And while Yo loses 20 lbs in leaking boobs, everyone gathers in the Hamptons, but not all at one place. Kyle & Eileen get to the hotel first and can’t sleep—because as much as they want to pretend they’re young and hip, they clearly can’t hang. So no biggie, they just go right ahead and rent a house. AKA Mauricio does all the dirty work and they just trot on over to their new digs for some 11AM shut eye. Obviously Lisa no likey because she is the star this weekend and instead of drooling all over her cover girl life, her friends peaced out. Rinna shows up to the rented house because she can’t stay in a hotel room without scrubbing it down with alcohol wipes like Charlie Sheen recently stayed there. Then they all put on their borderline skankiest white dresses, nips out, and enjoy poolside cocktails with a side of passive aggressive chit chat, to be continued next week of course.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Will Power”

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Look I don’t want to start hating yet another biddy on this show but Rinna’s inching her way onto my list and I’m not loving it. She kicks it off by showing up to Kyle’s obnoxious clothing store to cash out on her birthday gift. The gift she’s referring to, of course, is when Mauricio showed up to her party empty-handed and said she could pick out something from Forever A Former Child Star or whatever Kyle’s fashion venture is. That was Mauricio’s way of saying Hey I didn’t get you anything so rip off my wife’s store because I paid to start this little side project of hers anyway. Rinna was like oh you didn’t have to!!! But then shows up to the store with her palms extended looking for a handout. Rinna’s got a lot of balls pretending she’s not that rich and then a mere 20 minutes later having a personal vag waxer arrive at her mansion. Her waxer is named Eiko (because of course she’s foreign) and proceeds to stick a butter knife up Rinna’s buhhole while talking about how she has a wrinkly ass. I could’ve lived my entire life without ever seeing Rinna spread eagle on her bedroom floor with a butter knife inserted in her downstairs and I’m afraid it’s an image that will never leave my brain. Bottom line: Rinna is not down to earth. She has been paying an immigrant to de-grizzly her RB curtz for 17 years. That’s Beverly Hills.

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You know what else is SOOO Beverly Hills? Tossing your PET SWAN Hanky into the back of your Range Rover like it’s not an angry bird that belongs in the wild and not cuddled in your lap for a quick joy ride. I’ve had it up to here* with Lisa’s animal shit this season. *To be clear, “here” is above my head, and I’m a lot taller than a mini horse. Hanky has a stomach infection probably because it’s fed prime rib or something and rode in style to the vet, who declared he’s fine because he’s biting everyone who touches him. What a friendly pet. Once he’s feeling better it’s apparently okay for Lisa to follow it around and keep choking its neck so that it sits in her lap nicely. It gave me very real and traumatic flashbacks to the kids next door to my parents grabbing their puppy by its head because they’re definitely not old enough to know how to properly care for a pet. Hands home, Lisa.

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After patiently waiting, fans were rewarded with an Erika group meet so the other ladies can look their future enemy in the eye. First she’s eased in when Yolanda introduces her to Kyle at the park. They’re gathering to take a walk but what that really means is walk to the closest bench and sit down to chat. Kyle and Erika HIT IT OFF because they both have long shiny hair and popped out a child before they were old enough to drink. Then Kyle takes some time to exhaust her theory about Yolanda maybe just being depressed. Fingers crossed this is the last time we have to hear this dumb dribble. Yolanda is like yeah okay whatever. Then they suggest TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF that maybe all the girls gather for a drink so they can meet the new co-star who will be paid to hang out with them. Erika reveals that she only hangs out with gay men. Who would have ever guessed that this Barbie lookin chick with a 76-year-old husband and a questionable club music career can’t hang with other girls? Red flag city, population: Erika Jayne. Let’s see how she does with a group of girls that do not encourage her to pat her puss constantly.

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Did anyone know that Eileen won an Emmy for her work in soap operas? Well YOU SHOULD. Lisa and Kyle take her job REALLY seriously when they play hide and seek on the Young and the Restless set and make unfunny jokes about how they’re too rich for vending machines. Then they go for drinks with Erika so Kyle can slobber all over her and Lisa can show how jelly she is of Erika’s life.

Erika’s first mistake is that she wears pink heels to the outing and didn’t she know that pink is LISA’S COLOR? Duh. She bought the actual rights to the color, along with two tiny horses that are probably already dead. Don’t worry about Kyle and Erika getting along though because they’re both like, so much fun, so what more could two women have in common? Million dollar diamond best friend necklaces in the making. Obviously Erika talks all about her alter ego and the girls are like omggg so FUNNNNNNNNN. Eileen shows her age and lack of coolness when she’s like everyone wants to be a disco queen. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Erika’s auto-tuned club jams while she writhes around in a sheer bodysuit isn’t what Eileen had in mind for disco queen. There’s a little chatter about sex with men above the age of 70, which is just about as disturbing as watching Rinna’s grundle get waxed earlier. Apparently no one at Bravo cares about me keeping my dinner down. Eileen the wannabe-disco-queen shuts that talk down right about the same time that Kyle does a fresh hip-implant humping impression. God bless you, Eileen.

Of course it wouldn’t be a weekly installment of the ladies if they didn’t question Yolanda’s entire existence on this earth or something and make her feel like a bag of Lyme disease trash. Yo’s latest procedure is to get her breast implants removed, so she’s still not feeling on the up and up. Kyle has convinced herself she might have Lyme disease because she’s a moron. And then Yolanda says, a friend told me Taylor was talking shit, which is Bravo speak for: a producer showed me a clip of that big mouth trashing my Valencia filters. Eileen gets confused, probably still jarred by the fact that two of the ladies just detailed their geriatric husbands’ sex life, and thinks Yo is referring to Rinna’s little Munchausen’s wiki from last week. YIKERONIS. Rinna may have a hairless downstairs, but she’s about to be in a hairy situation with Yolanda thanks to Eileen’s blabathon. See what I did there? I made something disgusting into a segue. You’re welcome. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.

Anyway, Yolanda is like I don’t have time for all this bullshit and peaces out because seriously she’s above it. Also she’s late for a VERY tearworthy discussion of her will with the kiddies. What a downer way to end the episode. So instead let’s talk about how next week everyone will be in the Hamptons and Erika will be joining in so she’ll probably have her first girl fight because there’s no way this bitch doesn’t ruffle somebody’s feathers. But I bet her and Kyle will have SO MuCh F-U-N!

 

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- “The M Word”

I just felt like maybe everyone needed to get a little crazy. You’re welcome. The good news is that my blog can’t be any worse than that. Did I do that on purpose? Obviously. Trick of the trade.

I wonder if Rosebud’s little nub legs stopped functioning properly because she was tortured with Erika Jayne’s music as a little donkey hybrid at the farm of misfit toys in Ohio. Who cares though, because Lisa has friends with cowboy hats to hand deliver TWO horses that aren’t retarded. These ones are from Texas…so suck it, Ohio. All memories of Rosebud are swept under the rug as Lisa bathes herself in tiny horse love. The love, it seems, is not very mutual as both horses refuse to enter her home and buck against their pink frilly leashes. As this all goes down, Lisa struts in front of them in awe of how calm they both are. It seems she’s still the most observant creature in all the land.

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I guess Ken’s birthday that we’ve now celebrated for 3 weeks in a row has ACTUALLY arrived, so the little toy breeds have been purchased JUST IN TIME. What’s more shocking than Lisa buying Ken a present for herself is probably the fact that Ken isn’t in a wheelchair with a neck brace. I thought for sure he would have at least sustained severe injuries from getting spiked into the pool at his own birthday party. KEN IS INVINCIBLE. He hates his birthday gift though because he’s the one who’ll have to pick up all the horse shit. HA-HA KEN. 70 years old but you still haven’t lost that colorful sense of humor. You haven’t fooled me for one second that you don’t have a specific human to pick up poop on staff at your Villa Rosa zoo of animals. I mean you have swans for Pete’s sake. THOSE THINGS SHIT ERREWHERE. Stop being so dramats and cuddle your freak horses before they probably die unexpectedly from complications of breeding tiny animals that are meant to weight 1000 lbs.

While we’re on the topic of sad things, let’s touch upon the fact that Erika can’t kick it with her husband during the day cause he has to WORK. Ugh, what a struggle. She does call him every five minutes to tell him what she’s eating though. JK she works really hard shimmying her gigantic ass into mesh bodysuit after mesh bodysuit. Then once said sequin nylon has been rippled over her T&A, she drops it down in front of a mirror. Satisfied with a day of hard work she goes home and calls Mr. Girardi to ask him what he’s thinking and what he’s doing and when was the last time he went to the bathroom.

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In boringland, Eileen and Vince meet for lunch because sometimes they go days without seeing each other. In Eileen’s words, sometimes they’re both working, and sometimes one is working and the other isn’t, and sometimes they’re both home. Whoa. Anyway, Vince WAS working…on his gambling at the track and won big. For a rich person to say that I was expecting it to be thousands and then he really let me down by saying it was like 600 bucks. That seems like chump change. Not to me personally…I won $12.50 at the track once and you would’ve thought I was Diddy at the bar that night the way I was flashing my winnings. I also don’t work in Hollywood soo….a little different. Also Vince made me laugh out loud when he tells Eileen she’s not allowed to yap at him until afternoon because she’s a caffeine monster. I support this wholeheartedly. If I had to interact with Eileen after java I would also tell her she had to play the quiet game until she’s tired herself out. Rules are rules.

Rinna lunches with her kids and continues to spend an exorbitant amount of time convincing viewers that her teens aren’t spoiled, meanwhile Kyle continues to show us that hers are obnoxxxxxxxious. They hit up the Piercing Pagoda—if that’s what you call a private jeweler who also apparently does piercings on the side. Sophia, as you recall is terrified of needles and made a G-D SCENE last time she got her ears pierced. She’s a real baby bitch about it and yet keeps getting her F’ing ears pierced on TV. This time around she wears shades inside. It didn’t distract from her high pitch screeching and tears. Her mom had to sit in her lap. Isn’t this girl in college?! Pull it together. Prayers to this lady at a high-end jewelry store putting up with these morons. Portia was up next and it was hysterics 2.0. She couldn’t even go through with it so she left with the ole one hoop look. Supes trendy.

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In a couples hang at Yo’s Malibu house (instead of germ-tastic condo), Erika wants David’s opinion on her music. He’s like errrr I only work with good musicians…sooo. Then Yolanda has a brilliant idea and suggests Erika Jayne join David onstage in a performance for the Pope and Andrea Bocelli. Do we think the Pope knows what “pat the puss” is? Cause he gonn’ LEARN.

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Even though Kim is no longer mumbling incoherent things on this show…doesn’t mean we can’t show clips of her mumbling incoherent things in made for TV movies. Lisa invites the ladies over to stare at her ponies but first they must gossip. Kim apparently threw some social media shade at Lisa and her penance is to be brutally made fun of by Bravo. I think we can all agree this was a win. After cutting to a clip of Kim at last year’s reunion saying she wouldn’t just do anything for a buck, they smoothly transition into her getting squashed by a shark in Sharknado 3. I truly appreciated the thinly veiled attempt to laugh at Kim’s expense. Andy Cohen giveth and taketh away as he pleases.

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Rinna gives me the ickies this week, which is rare, when she brings up Taylor’s dumb point again about Yolanda’s Instagram. Apparently Yo throwing a filter on some Canadian vacay pics means that she has Munchausen’s Disease. According to the Wikipedia page, which Rinna does a dramatic reading of, it means Yo is faking. Maybe if Rinna saw Yolanda’s health advocate divvying up baggies of pills like she was throwing Gogurt’s and Dunkaroos into a brown paper bag for lunch each day of Yo’s vacation, she wouldn’t be such a twat. Rinna then takes this time to make everything about herself and tear up for even taking part in a conversation that questions this. Rinna just bumped herself to the Yolanda shit list with that one. It looks like Eileen and Erika are the only Pro-Yo’s left. To lay on the disrespect, I have to then watch Kyle and Eileen chase two tiny horses around in stilettos and try to mount them. AH, MY EYES.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Horsing Around”

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Just cause we haven’t seen enough of the lavish European vacation; we kick off last night’s episode with Kyle and Lisa shopping in Italy. Kyle LOVES shopping in Europe because she likes telling people they can’t buy the same top as her unless they yacht to the Italian coast. What a twat. From the looks of it, they’re shopping on the Ponte Vecchio. To put things in perspective for us peasants, I studied abroad in Florence and the only time I walked across the Ponte Vecchio (the bridge of gold and expensive jewels) was to get to my favorite pizza place. In fact, I bought all the men in my family memorabilia covered in the statue of David’s dick. Now THAT’S how you shop in Florence.

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We also get a rare peek into Eileen’s lair, formerly known as a 65 year old’s cluttered attic. We see what Eileen is like in the morning after she’s had a cup of coffee and I would never want to have a sleepover with this bitch. Chipper city. Also what was the point of Eileen decluttering her house when she still LOST AN IPAD IN IT. She quite literally hid her iPad from her son and now CAN’T FIND IT in her trunk show that is a home. While trying to yip yap post-caffeine surge to her husband and son, Eileen teaches us all a little something when she says, “I don’t know what it is about men and boys, they can’t hear a female voice.” Eileen isn’t stupid. That’s scientific fact. Men physically are deaf to women. It’s been tested.

And of course, for your latest installment of pointless dinners specifically for nasty-other-cast-member gossip, Rinna, Eileen and Kyle gather. This dinner’s plot twist? Both Eileen and Rinna are wearing leopard. OMGAW flashback to when Brandi and Rinna matched in leopard. Moral of the story, it’s time for Rinna to declare the rule ala Mean Girls that no one else in the group can wear leopard print. It would be downright embarrassing if this happened a third time. Anyway, there’s some fodder about Kim escaping from rehab, which makes me laugh out loud to think of a woman who regularly tweeted “I love turtles”, devising a plan to snake her way out. Kyle feels bad talking shit about Kim so she shifts the topic to Yolanda, so can bring up her theory of depression again to a fresh set of ears. Just call her Dr. Richards. Boom. Yolanda is diagnosed and probably cured.

Speaking of morons doing moron things, Lisa and Rinna take a private jet to Ohio so that they can wear cowboy hats in the Midwest and look like a couple of assholes. En route, Lisa says she has her 4:45 AM face on and guess what? It looks like the face she has painted on at every other hour of the day. #IWokeUpLikeThis. I never ranked Lisa as a dum dum but when she asked if Ohio was expecting a hurricane I was stunned. Then she rolled the window down in the middle of a rainstorm and was surprised when water came pouring into the limo. New discovery: Lisa is real stupid. It also turns out the mini horse is super chunky and has a bum leg…probably from trying to support all that weight. They jet back without the horse that will most likely be sent to the glue factory. T’s and P’s for Rosebud. (That was her name right? Who knows. It was wearing a pink tutu to distract from its dead leg.)

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Side note: Rinna has a kickass leather jacket collection. I want all in on that.

FINALLY we get a new character. Erika Girardi makes her colorful debut as Yolanda’s “friend.” They do something with IV’s (all YoYo does anymore) where Erika tells us, ‘”I’m 44 years old but I look great.” I can already tell she’s going to be fun to recap. THEN we get more back-story. Erika was a cocktail waitress and married her customer, a famous lawyer (ala Erin Brockovich) who happens to be twice her age. She calls him Mr. Girardi and it’s SO creepy. Lotta Anna Nicole Smith comparisons to be drawn with this one. Girl also has an alter ego named “Erika Jane”. Alter ego Erika is someone who belongs in a Vegas strip club but APPARENTLY has topped the billboards several times with dance jams. Bravo is really filling the void left behind by Carlton’s sexual prowess. Erika throws on a see-through onesie and practices her writhing choreography that is very popular in the Red Light District. I’m rubbing my hands together with glee for what’s to come with Erika once she meets all her newly hired gal pals and alcohol is in the mix!

And since we haven’t quite celebrated it enough, Ken’s 70th birthday deserves a lavish English tea decorated for a woman. Lisa’s party trick is leaving a tree of extravagant hats at the entrance and making the ladies try to kiss each other’s cheeks by way of hat brims. They CAN’T EVEN and it’s hilarious. A party is the perfect occasion for the ghosts of housewives past to remind us that they’re still alive. Taylor’s moving back cause Real Housewives of Denver never really took off. Camille also rolls through and we didn’t get to see nearly enough of her.

Instead they focus on Taylor and her big honking mouth as she shouts about how she “likes” Yolanda’s instas out of pity but really is exhausted with her posts. Hey Taylor, it’s called unfollow. Stop trying so hard to be relevant. Kyle draws attention to her hat and lipstick combo no less than 10 times and Lisa gives a dirty toast to Ken referring to his current age. If I was Pandora I would jump off a bridge at my parents joking about 69’ing each other at dad’s birthday dinner.

It starts to rain and god forbid it rain when everyone is wearing hats…Kyle takes the rain as a sign to liven things up and suddenly all the girls are in the pool. It’s nips out for the boys because the ladies are all conveniently free-boobin’ it in white dresses. Lisa complains about this impromptu swim ruining her classy high tea and YET her hot pink thong is out to play. In the end, Ken is pushed in the pool and I literally thought he was dead. I gasped as he lie there lifeless for a second before all the bitches in see through dresses surrounded him and bounced around like a scene straight out of the Playboy mansion. Except everyone’s super old, not just Hef (or in this case, Ken…who as it turns out, survived his near drowning.)

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Ciao, Tuscany!”

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Do you feel like enough time has passed since last season’s reunion where Kyle and Kim went at each other’s throats? I don’t. I don’t think enough time will ever pass to make that any less uncomfy. We’ll have to get over it because there may only be one Richards sister on this season (so far) but the dirrty family laundry continues to be aired. This week’s installment is the impending nuptials of Nicky Hilton. You know, Paris’s sister. She’s getting married at a palace in London, cause she’s a Hilton. And Kyle has been uninvited to the wedding. Why? BECAUSE KATHY SAYS SO. And what Kathy says, goes. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kathy is not thrilled about how her sisters have been muddying the family name on reality TV as she watches in her Ivory Hilton tower, but that’s neither here nor there. To reiterate: I’m on Team Kathy. Cause if you’re not on Kathy’s side you’re disinvited from the wedding event of the season. Kyle finds a way to weasel her way back onto Kathy’s good side and get invited to the wedding again. Except the rest of her family can’t come. BOLD. Apparently Portia’s in the wedding and Kyle can go but everyone else can kick rocks. When Lisa tries to point out how bananas this is, Kyle’s like it’s nobody’s biz, shut the hell up. Except she’s made it our biz..so0oo0o…that comment has about as much validity as saying that I was almost a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

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Speaking of Angels, momma of the newest to be winged (and my ferocious girl crush) Yolanda, is still struggle city this episode and it breaks my little heart. Yo goes in for a procedure to take all the metal out of her mouth because it might be adding to her illness but she’s not really sure. The surgery looks like the WORST and she feels like she’s choking and can’t breathe but don’t you fret because David to the rescue! Foster rolls in mid-procedure to grab her hand and kiss her numb, gaping mouth. At the end, he seals the deal of best hubs ever by making a groan worthy joke to the doc about if they can have sex right away. Ugh. David. If I were Yo I probably would’ve already had the papers drawn at that point. I’m actually surprised he didn’t wheel a piano into the operating room and request that the nurses sing backup like one of their dreadful dinner parties.

Husband of the year should probably go to Harry after the amount that Rinna tosses her mom haircut around to attract attention to her new diamond earrings. “Guess who got these for me?” she goads to her daughters and when they stare at her cluelessly she exclaims, “HARRY HAMLIN!” I feel like “dad” could’ve sufficed in this scenario rather than using government names with the children they made together. I’m going to assume Rinna doesn’t get a lot of lavish gifts with the way she’s put up a billboard about these earrings. Or she does and she acts like this every time, in which case I might need a breather from Rinna. JK she’s one of the realest on the show. I need to keep her in my pocket.

Rinna & Eileen (whose existence on this season so far is to mourn the loss of her father in law Dick Van Patten) act like compassionate humans and visit Yolanda in her white plushy den of illnesses. Yolanda lies on a white bed in a white robe awaiting her lady callers. The girls take their time to snoop around Yo’s new place looking at pictures and into medicine cabinets that would be an absolute goldmine for a drug dealer with the wall-to-wall pills Yo’s been stashing. Rinna reveals that her daughter has a monster crush on Anwar Hadid. Who doesn’t—amirite?! I would kill for a setup of these two for an awkward on-camera tween date. I live for that shit. PLS make it happen, Andy. That’s all I want for Christmas. Anyway, the gals all sit down and talk about colonics and being full of shit. Eileen’s sister died after being sick for a while so she’s really feeling for Yolanda. These two seem genuine and have actually been supportive of Yolanda on camera.

Turds 1 and 2, otherwise known as Lisa and Kyle—on the other hand…are on an economy vacation. HAHA. LoLz. Kyle and Co. are just yachting all over Italy and about to meet up with Lisa and Ken in a Tuscan villa. Kyle’s yacht is bigger than anything I’ve ever lived in and this is essentially just their vacation transportation. Typical. An extra hearty snicker for Kyle talking about going shopping in Florence and then adding at the end: I also want to check out the museums. Mauricio literally laughs right in her grillpiece at how fake that statement was. Mauricio shouldn’t be laughing though because he’s the kind of asshole vacationer who NEEDS to show off his knowledge of other languages at every chance he gets. ARRIVEDERCI he shouts in a haughty voice as he pops into his Ferrari to drive to the villa.

For what it’s worth (nothing), the “Butler” at the villa doesn’t even know how old it is when Kyle asks so he’s obviously a hired Italian actor. Lisa and Ken arrive to the “many many years old” villa after shouting at their Italian Uber to turn up the AC cause it’s not like it’s BOILING in the backseat or anything. They also spent the ride throwing shade at Yolanda for once calling the Amalfi Coast a chore. To be fair, that’s an asshole thing to say…but so is Ken pointing out that Kyle only wears mu-mu’s. Ken is turning into quite the little catty bitch for someone whose about to be 70 years old. SEVENTY. AS IN MY GRANDMA’S AGE. I thought people stopped giving an F when they got that old. Take a page from my Gammy’s book, Ken. Play peaknuckle with your buds once a week, eat dinner at 4:30 and take advantage of all senior citizen discounts. Stop worrying about the fashion and makeup preferences of your wife’s friends.

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Anyway, Ken probably gets put down for his afternoon nap while Lisa and Kyle take the ‘rarri out for a joyride in the Italian countryside because they’re rich and we’re not. Then they spend a significant amount of time piling it on Yo again because they’re the worst and they can. Kyle does what she does best and makes Yolanda’s illness about herself. Apparently when Kyle’s mom died she was convinced she had a disease but it turned out to all be mental and related to her depression. Cool story, Kyle. Let Yolanda try to find a cure and stop chirping her for not wearing eyeliner.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Life’s A Pitch”

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To be completely honest I was about ready for quittin time after last season’s shit show of events. What drew me back in for the premiere and another season of recapping was the promise of fresh plastic and the cutting of dead weight. Brandi wasn’t in, Kim bowed out (was sent to rehab) and it gave me new hope for a season with less shrieking Euro-brawls and more displays of exorbitant wealth that these betches think is the norm. So I’m giving this season the ole college try and since they have yet to integrate the newly hired cast members who come off as “old friends” included in a group dinner party, last night’s episode was fairly boring and full of housekeeping. No, not the kind done by imported hired help, but the kind where we’re brought up to date on who’s still friends and who isn’t after they hurled insults at each other during the reunion.

First thing’s first…let’s discuss our new taglines. Kyle, taking a page from being the most obnoxious person alive, maintained her “I’m a Beverly Hills native but I’m SO down to earth and normal” shtick that she spews out a new version of every season. Oh Kyle, you’re soooo amahhhhzing and NEVER fake. Eileen uses her tagline to remind us she’s an actress. AS IF WE COULD EVER FORGET SHE WON AN EMMY. Seriously, her line was “I may be an actress but that doesn’t mean I’ll stick to your script” when really it should have been “I may be an actress but I also won an Emmy.” Rinna makes play on words about how she’s a blabbermouth AND has giant lips, showing she’ll never stop being self-aware. (“My lips were made for talking and that’s just what I’ll do.”) AND one of our newbies, Erika comes in HOT with, “I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash.” SO many questions and yet we still have yet to meet this broad. Most importantly, do we think she knows what enigma means?

Remember how Brandi spent all last season trying to lick Lisa’s vag for forgiveness? Well forgiveness was NOT granted but you know what…who needs Brandi when you’re throwing out a pitch for the Dodgers? Lisa has become somewhat of a LGBTQ celeb…the word celeb is used QUITE loosely here as I’m pretty confident her LGBTW advocate “work” was opening a bunch of gay clubs in Hollywood and being BFF’s with Lance Bass. Either way, she’s invited to throw a pitch and the Dodgers send hottie catcher AJ Elis over to “practice” or essentially just to be there while Lisa makes a bunch of ball innuendos and dirty jokes about her nonexistent sex life with her corpse of a husband. At the game, she wears the tackiest outfit I’ve ever laid eyes on and worries about throwing terribly. With a pink rhinestone trucker hat on I speak for everyone in the stadium when I say No1 currrs. Her throw doesn’t make it to the plate but that’s ok because she redeems herself by running with her boobs pushed out like she was gonna chest bump AJ and I’m disappointed that she didn’t, if we’re being honest.

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While Eileen learns tired old storylines for the Young & Restless as she effortlessly pedals a stationary bike, Rinna feels like she’s made it because she was asked to do “Where Are They Now” on the OWN network. If Rinna’s pinnacle of her career is a show on a channel that no one knows, I can’t imagine what she would do if she got a network cameo. It’s okay to make jokes about Rinna’s acting career guys, cause she’ll do ANYTHING for money. EXCEPT a diarrhea commercial…yet she did one for depends sooo…how are these two things different? Either way these ladies are working hard for their money, while Kyle’s first appearance this season is picking out overpriced pink diamond studded sunglasses that I’m almost positive Paris Hilton probably rocked in the early 2000’s at the height of pink heels and jean skirts. Stay humble, Kyle.

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All of that dumb shit pales in comparison to what we really learned in last night’s episode. Yolanda has been basically wasting away from Lyme disease and all of her BH friends are terrible human beings who have left her to deteriorate and talk shit about her. Lisa and Kyle do lunch to compare rich people sunglasses and question if Yo is faking her Lyme disease to duck out of hanging out with them. These two are a couple of trolls. If I had a choice between lying on the couch and watching TV or going to a party with them I’d choose the couch 110% of the time and I’m a healthy individual. Even though Lisa doesn’t really like Yolanda because she yelled at Ken one time three years ago, she still is “concerned”. Obviously not concerned enough because when they all roll up to Rinna’s birthday dinner, Lisa makes a point to say that Yolanda looks like a pile of dirty garbage.

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Leave it to Kyle to wear a romper designed for a 25 year old to Rinna’s birthday so she can talk about how she doesn’t like wearing shorts all night while Yolanda rolls up with no makeup, her hair pulled back and a casj monochromatic number. She brings a new friend with her who happens to be the mom of Cody Simpson. They became friends from their kids dating but stayed friends on camera so that Cody Simpson’s mom can get a reality show contract, probably.

Anyway, after witnessing that horrific birthday dinner full of people staring at Yo with their mouths open like Kim Richards just stumbled in and laid across the table with a turtle, I pretty much lost faith in humanity. This woman attended dinner without a makeup artist spending hours on her face painting a masterpiece and her friends couldn’t form a sentence without dribbling wine on themselves from shock and disgust. Yolanda was a SUPERMODEL. She literally still looks like a SUPERMODEL without makeup. Yeah she looked roughsicle but it’s because she’s sick so everyone STFU and stop making her feel like dust. AND THEN KEN…the crustiest old man with a blowout announcing that he only complimented Yolanda to make her feel good because it’s his duty on this earth to make girls feel great with his fake compliments. VOMIT. I can’t WAIT for YoYo to tear him a new one at this season’s reunion. Anyway, moral of the story, Rinna your birthday and where Harry Hamlin is on your speed dial means absolutely nothing when someone has the nerve to arrive without eyelash extensions, k?

 

Things that made me laugh:

-Kyle waiting roughly 10 minutes before hawking her scripted show about her childhood that sounds boring as rocks and will get cancelled in its first week. Kathy doesn’t approve of it because she’s classy famous and Kim doesn’t approve of it because she’s scary AF.

-Rinna making her daughter work at a deli to buy her own car yet taking both girls shopping at a boutique where the tees are at least $50. #AllAboutThatBudget

-Eileen deciding to downsize/redecorate her home literally because Brandi compared it to a trunk full of shit from Antiques Roadshow last season. I find this downright hilarious. The haters gonna hate, hate, hate and I’m just gonna listen to them and change my life accordingly.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills “Guess Who’s Coming to the White Party?”

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I’m trying to become more affluent with my TV recaps, so I’m adding a surefire fountain of material, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to my lineup. I’ve always been a one city housewives fan (I use the term fan SO loosely) so since I’ve been dedicated to Beverly Hills from the start I hope that I can do it justice for all of my fellow Bravo betches. Since witchy Carlton and hoy-say Joyce got the boot after bringing last season’s ratings down, we have two newcomers this season, both soap opera stars so things are bound to get reeealll dicey.

New additions also means new taglines and boy am I glad that there’s fresh material of these rich bitches giving nuggets of wisdom and lying about how love and family mean more to them than getting paid to show that love and family on reality television. Newcomer Lisa Rinna has the best tagline giving a coy shout out to her infamous blowfish lips. Eileen Davidson, the other new addition, who you will not even see this episode, had a tagline saying she plays a bitch on TV but isn’t one in real life. I for one am grateful for the clarification. As a former addict of Days of our Lives (it was a phase, guys) I only know Eileen as Kristin DiMerra the terror of Salem who drugged and raped the friendly priest and put it on tape to distribute. THAT is the person I expected to see in Beverly Hills and I’m glad that our gal Eileen addressed my concerns immediately.

Anyway, this episode, as the title suggests, centers on the annual White Party that Kyle throws for attention. We get to see the party from the beginning stages of Kyle walking around her backyard with the sloppiest looking event planner in all of America brainstorming how she could possibly top the last one. This gives Kyle PLENTY of opportunity to brag about the party and boy does she snatch that right up. She talks about how expensive the party is now and how EVERYONE wants to come. As the episode goes on and we catch up with everyone else’s lives, Kyle wants to make sure that we haven’t forgotten about her party so she brings it up again later. Did you know that everyone’s trying to get on the list and it’s the party of the year?! Because it was SO unexpected for Kyle.

Are you feeling suffocated by all of the humble bragging? Don’t worry let’s mosey on over to Yolanda’s house for a beach day with her and Brandi. As they descend the mountain, through the lemon grove forest, into the real world, Yolanda discovers that poor people have set up tents to sell most likely counterfeit merchandise on her land. Yolanda exclaims to a homeless Brandi (spoiler alert) that she doesn’t know what goes on on her four acres of land. Read the room, Yo, Brandi is basically couch surfing and you lay this shit on her? Yo shows that she’s one of the people though by telling the vagrants that they can continue to push product on her lawn just as long as it’s not every day. She continues to hold her own as my favorite housewife when she makes Brandi become one with the earth while walking the beach. It’s good to see that out of the train wreck that was last season, Brandi and Yolanda are still my favorites (for now) and still friends (relatively speaking).

Speaking of last season, remember when everyone turned on Lisa because she was being a catty bitch and playing everyone like CHESS–direct quote? Well no one has forgotten and God bless those producers (Andy, I’m assuming) for Lisa’s opening scenes in this episode. She is immediately painted as the villain driving around in her white Porsche to sinister music, on her way to a “secret” meeting with Kyle. The witch is back and nobody’s going to knock her down…insert evil laugh…but seriously they did everything short of having her smoking a Cruella Deville cigarette and wearing a coat made of Giggy’s fur. (NOT GIGGY!!!!) In Lisa’s aside to the camera she basically says that she was attacked, did nothing wrong and has been waiting for the girls to come crawling back to her one by one. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS. Of course Kyle is the first to grovel. First they must exchange truly genuine compliments “You look good.” “I do?” “You look skinny.” “I do?” Well done girls, lunch can now begin. Kyle tries to bring up why her feelings were hurt and Lisa immediately shuts it down with a firm, let’s not relive the past and forget that I was ever a dick. Kyle awkwardly agrees and they toast to loyalty, so like, things are GREAT now. Later in the episode we see a similar lunch with Lisa and Yolanda where Yolanda’s all “remember when I was on my death bed and you didn’t visit me?” And Lisa’s all “let’s not go backwards, dahling.” I’m sensing a theme here from our ice queen, anyone else?

Then we move onto our first foray into a new character, Lisa Rinna. Also how was she hired for this show…we already have a Lisa! This is going to get real messy. Lisa Rinna will now be referred to just as Rinna forever more. Ok so we get our introduction to Rinna from Kyle, apparently they bonded over a red yarn bracelet, sorry, Kabbalah and that’s how they’re besties. Kyle wants to make sure her more famous friend is attending her INFAMOUS white party. Rinna makes sure to talk this party down as much as possible by referencing that her husband is in Mad Men roughly 4 times over the course of a 2 minute phone call. (Future drinking game?) Rinna can’t wait to attend the White party as an appetizer to her much more famous A-list Mad Men party for the entrée. We then get the treat of meeting Rinna’s teenage daughters who have typical Hollywood names and talk about Coachella a lot, and finally the man, the myth, the legend, Harry Hamlin, or as Rinna refers to him, God/King. Looks like we’ve got another Yolanda and David Foster on our hands. I can’t wait to see these four interact at a dinner party and compete for who loves their husband more.

And FINALLY, the white party has arrived. I honestly thought the day would never come since Kyle began shoving it down our throats a mere 25 minutes earlier. We get to see everyone get ready, the ice queen in her lair with Ken wearing basketball shorts (a vision that I wish with all my heart I could unsee), Kyle with her entire family including little Portia who is apparently a real asshole now, and Brandi with her gays. Everyone is worrying about who they will have an awkward run-in with at the party, in true RHOBH fashion.

The party kicks off with some weird mermaids, a half naked girl in a hamster ball writhing around the pool and a very sensible white carpet leading from the street to Kyle’s house. I’m sure that looked pristine after EVERYONE who’s ANYONE tromped on it. We quickly learn that this is the ghost of Housewives past episode because all the girls are back in town now, or in laymen’s terms, they all could use a paycheck. Camille, Taylor and Adrienne are all present and even our beloved Kim shows up…late of course (cackle, cackle). The girls relive the old days of pretending they’re in high school forming cliques and grabbing at each other’s boobs. They ask Adrienne how old her new woofie boyfriend is. Here’s a clue Adrienne, if they have to ask it means he’s too young. All of their interactions were creepy at best but then Brandi interrupts the cougar and her young conquest to squash the beef from 2 years ago that they had and everyone has long forgotten about. The flashbacks were really key this episode and certainly not short of the dramatic flair. Adrienne and Brandi decided to hash it out at a later date, showing that maybe these bitches have actually matured and learned from their mistakes and everyone returns to the party to dance away their problems. There is a lot of cringe worthy 8th grade dance shimmying, I’m looking at you, Kyle…Brandi doesn’t join the dance party, cause she’s sober. And we end the bash of the CENTURY with Cruella leaving after giving Brandi the cold shoulder hard. “I’m a fucking good friend,” Lisa declares to no one in particular as her limo slips into the darkness of the night.

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