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Salty Stories

The Salty Ju Turns T E N!

Although it’s true I’ve been salty my whole life, today marks a decade of being salty in a permanent and very public forum. I’ve never once deleted a blog or retracted anything I’ve said, even when it was probably blatantly ill-informed or incorrect. And that my friends, is the beauty of the people’s internet. Say whateva ya want and keep it moving. Since I’ve made this milestone a BFD and hyped it up for several months and forced two celebrations down your throat, it only made sense to also memorialize it on the thing that we’re celebrating in the first place. So, humor me in this reflection/summary of 10 years of doing something…the longest I’ve ever done anything. Or don’t humor me and buzz all the way off, ‘CAUSE I DON’T EVEN WANT YOU READING MY BLOG IF YOU DON’T SUPPORT IT.

The Origin Story

Let me paint a picture of what ten years ago looked like for ya girl. I had moved to Boston in September of 2014. For a job? No. For a boy? That’s very rom-com adorbs, but also no. To get my masters degree at Harvard? HAHAHAHAHA. Nah. I did exactly one calendar year out of college, 8 months of that year living at home and working my first “corporate” job with my sister as my colleague and I said, that’s enough of that. So, I packed up a truck and hit up Allston Christmas, which by the way, was about as terrible as everyone says it is. Moving shit off of a truck on a tiny street with cars parked on either side while everyone else does the same exact thing is stressful AF. What was even more stressful was living off of my savings for the first month there with no job prospects. I’ve had so many hot flings with unemployment, it’s almost hard to keep track at this point but at 23 years old, this was my second or third and that’s already too many for being a fresh college grad. Also, this detail has nothing to do with my employment status, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I was skinny as hell when I moved to Beantown. Like, so skinny that I could wear a hard crop top that showed my belly button and pull it off. This was the last time I could do this. I peaked at 23. Which is also the age I lost my virginity. Coincidence? PROBS NOT.

Ok, back to professional speak now that you see how snatched my waist was. Luckily, I landed a temp gig doing admin work at Boston College and it was while I was doing mind-numbing data entry that I revisited the idea of a blog. To be perfectly honest, I was a HUGE Barstool Sports junkie and had read it every day since I had discovered it in 2009, relating the hardest to blogger KFC, who blogged at his full-time job as an accountant until they finally started making some money and he quit to go FT smut. He was my inspiration not only for his style of writing that was super conversational, but also sneaky blogging while getting paid by another company. He also followed me after I tweeted the below shout-out and clearly read some of my blogs or knew me well enough that when I went to a meet and greet after his comedy show in 2016, he goes IT’S THE SALTY JU and that made my LIFE. Didn’t get me a job. But a semi-famous internet persona knew who I was for a brief moment in time in the 2010’s and we’ll always have that.

I’d be lying if I said when I mulled this blog over that I didn’t have future goals of actually turning it into a job one day. At first I was aiming for the E! News, TMZ, Perez Hilton upper-echelon of celeb goss. I figured, if I ran my blog exactly like they did, that’s just a resume to submit if there was ever an opening for a writer. A few months in, I was setting my sights on Vulture or even Buzzfeed, really moving those goalposts from websites that draw a penis over Lindsay Lohan’s face or report a celeb death before the family is informed, to websites that write quizzes titled “choose a bunch of baby names and I’ll tell you which Disney Princess you are.” FOLKS, SHE IS GOAL ORIENTED.

Anyway, after polling everyone I’ve ever met and asking if they’d read a blog if I wrote it and of course feeling super insecure about it, while also wondering why the hell I chose to make a video for my capping project in college instead of a blog, which is perfect for me and EVERYONE else did it for an easy A… The Salty Ju was born. It certainly didn’t hurt that Taylor Swift dropped 1989, her much-anticipated foray from country into pop and I immediately had material to blab about. Realistically, you couldn’t stop me from blabbing those first few months of blogging. It was like a dam had broken and my 23 years of opinions NEEDED to be released in long-form blog or I would be killed by the Boston strangler. It also set the precedent for me to create Taylor content for every move she made. Something I’ve very much cooled off on, but those eras are forever sealed into the interwebs, which honestly is fine because in comparison to what her fans do now, I was tame.

If I may, I’d like to really detail how into this blog I got, and how much I assumed it would bring me a blossoming writing career. I started by unloading years of pop culture takes like dissecting what the Olsen Twins wore in the 90’s (my second most viewed blog of all time.) Pre-Internet content was a gold mine for me in the wee Salty Ju days. Then, I was inspired by another writer I had been following, Julie Klausner, a Housewives recap writer for Vulture. I thought, I watch a TON of TV. I could do that too! I started by recapping Real Housewives of Beverly Hills–just like her, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Then, all of my college roomies had been obsessed with The Bachelor and urged me to start watching so I could blog that, too. Didn’t have to ask me twice! My very first season of The Bachelor was Chris Soules in 2015. Being a fresh set of eyes to the Bach universe made me the perfect candidate for recapping because I was gleefully entertained by every trope and had not yet realized every season is exactly the same. Once I was hooked on that, I also added in the network shows I was watching at the time like Nashville or Empire. That’s how I found myself watching TV almost every night with a notebook taking notes, then going into work the next morning and immediately typing out a recap to be posted by 9am the day after a show aired. I reasoned that all of the big pubs make sure recaps are posted by the time you start work the next day (so people like me can read it at their desk.) If you’re a part of Bach Nation, you know that they LOVE a 2 or 3 hour episode. There were some Monday nights where I was staying up until midnight to get as much pre-written as possible so I could still get it published first thing the next morning.

An example of the hard-hitting notes I was taking. Thank God I saved these precious words all these years.

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON AWARDS SHOWS! Realizing I could turn two blogs from one awards show in a red carpet AND a recap, I was doing the most. I’d be sorting through hundreds of red carpet photos while watching the show, taking notes for a recap, AND live tweeting. In the early Twitter days, EVERYONE was talking about the show in real time. Accounts were letting comedians and writers do “takeovers” to give their commentary and obviously, I thought this was my moment to shine. I literally get exhausted thinking of how much I was working on a Sunday night fo free. I feel like this is a nice time to remind everyone *once again* that I have never made a dime off of this blog, nor have I ever been offered any sort of opportunity from it. Instead, I pay an annual fee for the domain and WordPress hosting just simply for this space to exist. But sure, let’s give kids millions of dollars to make ‘get ready with me’ videos on TikTok. 🙄

The Evolution

Now that we’ve established I’m the type of person who has put more time and effort into this website for 10 years than she has into any of her paying jobs combined, I think it’s suffice to say, this blog is incredibly important to me and has been a MASSIVE part of my adulthood. Of course, if this WAS a paying job, I’d probably grow to resent it and lose the spark I’ve managed to keep for this long. I write about exactly what I want to write about, no word count (clearly), no editorial feedback. And if someone reads and likes it, GREAT. And if not, I can remain blissfully unaware that no one likes what I wrote. Unless, like the commenters on my running errands during the workday humor piece, y’all are a bunch of dicks and comment that you hate what I wrote. Thankfully, my salties have only been positive commenters through the years and I truly appreciate that.

Since The Salty Ju’s inception, I’ve had 17 different jobs – honestly, it’s possible that number is higher because even I lose track of how many FT and PT gigs I’ve bounced through in the last ten years. That being said, I’m sure this blog has also cost me job opportunities. If I had a nickel for every time I said “it’s a very specific type of humor and it’s not for everyone,” I’d be able to pay for this domain for the next 10 years. I wear the logo on my sleeve (jean jacket). I changed all of my social media handles to The Salty Ju and at some point came to accept the fact that this isn’t a heightened version of myself for entertainment, it’s really just me. I am the Salty Ju and she is me. I put my actual personality out there for all to see and judge in every snarky blog. Which can work in my favor, like when the only boyfriend I’ve ever snagged supposedly started reading my blog long before we began our courtship, and it became a way for us to flirt and compare notes on classic 90’s flicks in our early dating days. Tip to all future suitors, ya better be a fan of the blog cause it ain’t going anywhere and complimenting my writing is the fastest way to my heart. And let’s get real…in 2019 and 2020 when I was going through a breakup from said boyfriend, then quit my job and moved back home, then that sly minx of a pandemic hit to really solidify the suckfest that was my life, this blog became my lifeline.

Between actual therapy, and me sitting on the couch of my parents guest room every night until 2 am writing “diary” entries that would soon become chapters for a book and eventually “Salty Stories” on the blog, writing was the only thing that kept me moving forward. That year was when The Salty Ju evolved from bitching about People’s Sexiest Man Alive to talking about shitty things that were going on in my life that felt like the end of the world, and trying to make it entertaining enough for others to relate to and laugh at. And thank God for that, because if I hadn’t hit my rock bottom (800 different times), I wouldn’t have thrown every minute of my life into writing a book, which wouldn’t have led me to getting connected with the satire community, which wouldn’t have resulted in getting published on websites other than my own and I never would’ve started taking myself seriously and calling myself a comedy writer. I still mostly do it as a bit, because I have imposter syndrome, but if I may be so bold to put this in writing, my end goal out of this whole adventure is to eventually publish my book. How long will that take? Beats the hell out of me. One thing’s for sure, if I can stick with a blog for this long without turning a profit, and put up with people asking me if I’m Jewish every time I tell them the name AND spell it, I can keep working toward becoming a published author.

The Stats

I’ve always been a numbers nerd because I’m type A and I love the shit out of accomplishing things. That’s why I’ll tell you that in 10 years I’ve published 625 blogs. 200 of those blogs were posted in 2015 (I TOLD you I had a lot to say!) For comparison on just how nuts I really was, in 2023 I published 15 blogs. BIG DIFF. Also, I’m laughing at the stats that WordPress gives me. According to them, my most popular day was February 4, 2019 with 331 views, which is odd because I don’t even think I published a blog that day. And, I’ve had a total of 144,288 visitors. S/O to all of you for finding my corner of the internet either completely on accident, or on purpose. Even if it was to hate-read.

The Highlights

For newcomers, the OG crew, or anyone who can’t remember 625 blogs (ME), below are 10 sleeper picks that hold up, or are just so ridiculous and uniquely me. To be fair, when you blog about timely pop culture events or happenings, with many links to social posts or YouTube videos that inevitably get removed, not much ages well. So I’ve tried to avoid linking to those. One thing that never goes out of style? My annual Hallmark Holiday movie blog that I’ve done all 10 years.

Since I’ve put so much blood, sweat, tears, and diarrhea into this labor of love through the years, it’d be a missed opp not to toss one last promo of old material into the mix. My TV recaps can still be relevant in the binging era as people re-watch or discover old TV shows. So if you happen to dive into the perils of reality TV or BAD scripted music-themed dramas, please don’t forget to follow along with my episodic rants.

And lastly, I’ve curated several playlists to match literally any mood you ever might have. From throwbacks in rap, pop, and punk, to TV specific soundtracks, to summer paloozas, to breakup songs. These are playlists I still have in rotation on the reg, and some I even created weird hype videos to promote. I really will stop at nothing to be embarrassing. Regardless, these playlists are timeless and still slap, so if you have Spotify, check them out!

The Kudos

AHright, I’m wrapping it up now, I swear. A couple months ago I took a sweatshirt to an event where a vendor does chain-stitching on the spot. I asked her to stitch The Salty Ju, because I can never have too much branded swag. Natch, I had to explain what that means and as I shared that it’s my 10 year old blog, she replied “oh, that’s cool that you’re still blogging, I remember back when it was big and I HAD to read my regular blogs every day.” Most people would let this backhanded compliment fly, but I’m not most people. *in Michael Jordan voice* And I took that personally. I thought she was being condescending AF telling me oh that’s cute you’ve hung onto a dying medium that absolutely no one cares about anymore. And I simmered on it until right now. She’s not wrong. Long-form writing was very much a fad that got WOMPED by the age of social media and audio/video content. Once people realized they could watch a 30 second video, or listen to a podcast while they did other shit, the blog pretty much died. RIP.

Leave it to me to join a trend at its downfall and then never let it out of my cold, dead hands. I DID consider other mediums many times. I attempted a podcast in 2018 and immeds started crying because I hated the sound of my voice. In 2020, I got way more into TikTok, unfortunately attempting dances 😬. I think we can all agree that ain’t me. Writing is what I like to do, and if that’s not cool then in the words of my sassy 7-year-old niece, WHO EVEN CARES?! What’s cool about this decade-long run is that people (you) still read what I have to say. Even if it’s just one person. Even if that one person is related to me and had a direct hand in bringing me onto this earth. HI MOM! 👋🏻 I write because it makes me feel better and if one person gets a case of the HAHA’s from it, that’s pretty awesome.

SO THANK YOU, READER! To my subscribers who get my ramblings delivered right to their inbox, GRAZIE MILLE. Even if those ramblings are delivered right to your spam folder. Still counts. To anyone who has commented or liked or reposted or interacted with any of my work at all on social media, MERCI. I see you, and you’re doing the lord’s work. The algorithm–especially on Facebook–is that the more interaction there is on a post, the longer it will live in a page’s feed and get resurfaced for new people to see. So every little bit helps for my quaint fanbase of Salties. Also, words of affirmation, though not my love language, gives me the warm fuzzies to keep writing. And of course, thank you to anyone who made an effort to celebrate this accomplishment with me IN PERSON in either New Jersey or Syracuse. Showing up to have a drink so I didn’t have to ring in this anniversary alone meant the world to me! If you didn’t make it, please know that you were swiftly added to the list of people who are dead to me. Last but certainly not least, to family and friends who have been a part of blogging fodder willingly or unwillingly, who have been forced to take countless obnoxious solo shots of me everywhere we go, who have been co-stars in my lil videos, who have had to edit writing or give feedback, I quite literally couldn’t have done it without ya. YOU DA REAL ONES.

My salty era is far from over. I’m gonna keep being publicly salty…and vulnerable, messy, self-deprecating, goofy, obnoxious, emotional, opinionated, sarcastic, and keep oversharing out loud for hopefully another decade. ❤️

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JUice

Weekly JUice – Oct 4, 2024

1. A Montana Boyz Heartbreak.

I was going to blab about these two a few weeks back when I nearly cringed out of my skin listening to them interact and talk about their sex life on a “truth or drink” podcast episode. The universe gave me a second chance to pop off because after 7 months, they are DUNZO. It was laugh out loud funny back in the spring when Kristin debuted her new relashe with a fresh outta college TikTok star. It was even funnier when every time Kristin opened her mouth on her pod (I’m an avid listener, obv) she was slobbering all over how hot this man is. Take another look at the photo above. This guy is a Frankenstein double. The girth of his head and surface area of his forehead gives Julia Stiles a run for her money. I imagine this is why he’s typically wearing a giant hat, trying desperately to cover up that five head. What’s certainly not doing him any favors is his mullet. Not just any ole mullet, but a mullet with blonde highlights…

I’m sorry but Kristin is a smokeshow. She’s in her late thirties and she looks better than ever. I couldn’t for a second fathom why she was dating this block head who rose to TikTok stardom from LIP SYNCING country songs. Nope, that’s it. That’s what made him and his boyz go viral. They stand in a line and rotate mouthing the words. I really wanted to be in the camp of supporters that were like GOOD FOR HER! DATE A YOUNG HOTTIE AND HAVE SOME FUN! Except that her ex-husband was a million times hotter than this chooch. So I waited. I waited while she gushed over how he’s different than other guys because he’s not threatened by her job. And he gets her flowers. And he tells her she’s really pretty. (Gotta know what creatures Kristin has been dating that telling her she’s pretty means marriage material.) I waited while they seemed to cross the threshold of “should I have more kids for this guy who is still pretty much a kid himself?” And then the last straw was their podcast together where he barely uttered full sentences but one of them was “you’re the best sex I’ve ever had.” And she replied “omg I am?! you’ve never told me that!!” BABE HE’S 24. THAT IS NOT A LOT TO COMPARE TO.

Rumors hit the tabs on Friday that they split, but I wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth and I didn’t have to wait long because she let it slip at a live show Friday night and then told everyone to keep it quiet until her podcast episode dropped Tuesday with the news. YA right. TikTok LIT up with clips. I made her pod appt TV Tuesday morning… I mean, I literally watched it on YouTube frothing for the goss. And of course, there wasn’t any. She had nothing but nice things to say about this big ooga booga dum dum kid from Montana. She said he was the best boyfriend she ever had, best relationship she’s ever been in, has zero regrets, but ultimately the age difference was just not going to work long-term. For any girlies who watched The Idea of You, it was that without the popstar aspect. She realized she’d be ruining his life by keeping him so she released him back into the world to be a kid who just graduated from college and makes TikTok videos and not a stepdad and a purse holder of a successful woman nearing her forties. And who knows, maybe just like that movie (spoiler alert) this little puppy comes crawling back after he’s done plowing through all the single chicks in Nashville and is ready to settle down. But I’m guessing Kristin will be snatched up pretty soon. I’m just glad she came to her senses and shut it down. As for the Montana Boyz, they’ll start filming a reality show soon so get ready for these dummies to hit the big screen–something literally none of us ever asked for.

@montana.boyz

Head in a mess!! #fyp #montanaboyz

♬ One Number Away – Luke Combs

2. Grandpa Slim.

You’ve gotta have a heart of stone not to tear up at this. Eminem, big ole tough guy rapper, has always been a softie for his daughter. Pretty cool for someone from his background with the issues he’s had to have a kid at 23, raise her to be a normal human and still have a great relationship with her. He’s still putting out new music and hasn’t retired from the rap game yet and now he’s going to be Grandpa Slim. More importantly, he was already embracing the style of a geriatric prior to his daughter even getting preggers so he should slide into this role seamlessly if he keeps putting these honkers on his face in order to see words.

3. Ellen Didn’t Enjoy Being Cancelled.

Not fresh news, but what can I say it’s a slow week. Ellen made her “comeback” with a Netflix comedy special where she addresses getting cancelled and disappearing for a few years. I have never ONE TIME wondered what Ellen was up to in the past few years or wondered what she had to say. Truly. My mom was a big Ellen stan back in her heyday. Used to dance with her in the kitchen. Thought she was hysterical. Then started to fall off because you can only be obsessed with a white woman dancing over her coffee table for so many years before the schtick is old. Back in my college intern days, I heard many fellow slaves tell me that they’ve either experienced firsthand or heard through the Hollywood grapevine that Ellen’s a huge dick and sucks to work for. And obviously that was her downfall. She was investigated and the court of public opinion said GTFO of here, ya meanie! There’s nothing I hate more than a fake bitch and someone who built an entire empire on kindness actually being a total f*cking twat deserves to lose said career. Which of course, she didn’t. She’s still getting paid probably the big bucks to do a special and she’ll continue to wah-wah about this. Her special addresses the therapy she had to go through because everyone hated her. And yet her special doesn’t address AN APOLOGY. Any ownership. Really any sort of recognition that she does indeed suck, and was terrible to her employees and actually isn’t really a nice person at all. So how about we NOT reward this bad behavior and lazy, shitty jokes, and let her fade back into oblivion. She had her moment. It’s time to say bye bye to Ellen. Step over that coffee table and dance right off the stage, beb.

4. Everybody Wants This.

Everyone’s all about the new Netflix Rom-Com Series “Nobody Wants This” and it’s worth the hype. Kristen Bell and Adam Brody are drumming up all of the millennial nostalgia (really mostly Adam Brody) with a funny, emotionally mature take on a love story. Quick synopsis: Joanne and her sister Morgan have a podcast about their dating/sex life that I wish was a real life pod because these two are hysterical togets but obviously never funnier than my sister and I are…and Noah is a rabbi. Noah and Joanne have a meet-cute at a mutual friend’s dinner party and the rest of the series follows their courtship in 10 half-hour episodes that really fly by. They face the possibility of head Jew and a non-Jew being together with all of the side storylines and quirks of their families and friends sprinkled in. It’s adorbs and most importantly, it’s the most emotionally available (what’s that like?) male lead I’ve ever seen. It should come as no shock that the boy who made Seth Cohen a nerdy, sarcastic 2000’s heartthrob, grew up to be a hot funny rabbi who can handle some tough feelings talks.

Girls everywhere (me) are pining to date this fictional character, even if we don’t know how old he is. (That’s my only gripe with this show…they don’t speak of age but Kristen and Adam are clearly in their forties, and LOOK like they’re in their forties, and yet I think they’re supposed to be playing early thirties…real stretch here. Not even botox can make us believe that.) But seriously though, this moment below in itself (spoiler alert but actually not really a spoiler because there’s no context at all to it) is better than porn for girls. For any girl who’s ever been told she’s too much (me, me, me, me, me) this character and the hope that he exists in the real world and not just in a script will heal you.

5. YA GOTTA BELIEVE!

The New York Metropolitans are in the NLDS for the first time since 2015 and the week I finally snagged a glam shot with the Mrs. (and partied with the whole gang) was the week they turned their entire season around and started winning like nobody’s biz. Coincidence? I think not. You may be wondering, ok but how does this count as celebrity news and to that I say, HOW DARE YOU NOT CONSIDER MRS. MET A CELEBRITY?! You better hope Mr. Met didn’t hear you besmirching her good name so he doesn’t have to go all Will Smith and tell you to keep his wife’s name OUTCHA MOUTH. Sorry not sorry, I’m PUMPED. I’ve been watching hype videos since the dubb last night and I’m ready to run through a brick wall and also salsa my face off to OMG! PS my lifelong diehard Mets fan of an ex-boyf declared the season was over in May, refusing to watch games for an entire month and therefore he does not deserve to celebrate this sweet, sweet victory of a team that literally will not quit and keeps coming back for more. In May I said, it’s only May, don’t be so dramatic. AND GUESS WHO WAS RIGHT. Apparently some of us lack the full spectrum of human emotions and therefore just don’t know how to BELIEVE. CUE THE MOTHAFUCKIN MUSIC! (Sorry for cursing, dad, but let me have this one cause I’m FIRED ALL THE WAY UP.)

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Pop Culture

Beach Reads 2024

It’s honestly shocking to me that the only book blog I’ve ever written was in 2015 considering I read a book a week (humble brag.) In preparations for the 10 year anniversary of The Salty Ju, I realized that this blog, though a BFD in my life for most of that decade, has really become my neglected firstborn in the past few years as I put all of my free time and energy into getting published on other websites and trying to become a Jersey Instagram influencer. And I’d like to formally apologize to The Salty Ju for that. You don’t deserve to be pushed aside and only brought back to life for mega embarrassing personal essays that would never get published anywhere else.

So this is my attempt to make an effort again. When I thought about what I should blog, I realized that I never have anything to yap about in the summer because I spend every waking moment at the beach reading a book. I’ve got a season pass to a private beach that I had to go on a waiting list for. That has no relevance but it makes me feel very VIP. And then I was like AHA! Why the hell wouldn’t I blog my beach reads?! For those of you who have children and will not have another moment of silence for the next 18 years, I’m so sorry but also you should’ve thought about that before you got knocked up, ya hooch. This one is really for the childless singles who perhaps don’t have that spicy of a social life and therefore go to the library (s/o libraries, if you’re paying for a book to read it one time you’re a damn fool…or rich) every other week and read an entire book while roasting on the sand every weekend. I see you because I am you.

Here’s a recap of what I read (sometimes struggled to read as loud obnoxious families set up their circle of 15 chairs in my lap, screamed all day and acted like the beach DJ…seriously am I invisible?) from the first week of June to the book I finished last night, in chronological order because I’m a Type A beast. I skipped one book completely because I liked everything I read except for a real dud by Meg Cabot, which honestly threw me for a loop. The woman who gave us The Princess Diaries!!! Don’t ever read No Words by Meg Cabot…it’s a flop and the only reason I finished it was because I held out hope she was going to put the train back on the tracks and actually tell a story. She did not. That’s the only spoiler you’ll see in this blog as I keep it to strictly plot-summary and my personal opinions in ramble form. If you get tired of my yapping, skip to the italicized line to tell you in one sentence if this book is for you.

Fangirl Down – Tessa Bailey

Check out that backwards hat, yo.

Tessa Bailey is one of my favorite authors for a light, sexy read. You know you’re going to get a steamy scene or two, and you’re usually going to get a quirky adorable girl who catches the eye of a total babe soda. Does she play into every awkward girl’s fantasy of snagging the guy everyone wants? Ya, duh. Welcome to chick-lit. This one focused on a professional golfer who’s career is on the backslide and his #1 fan, who also happens to be a talented golfer in her own right. She needs money, he needs to stop losing, so he hires her to be his caddy and coach him back to the top. Cue sparks all over the green. Listen, I 100% recommend this book. I thought it was a fun read. But I WILL add some qualifying comments. Homegirl is downright cringey. A grown adult who follows a male golfer around the country and makes signs and screeches at him and enters a contest to meet him is mortifying. Ya really gotta suspend belief a little bit to find her endearing and not mentally unstable. My second gripe is that her character has diabetes and that takes a real central role in the story. Nothing against diabetes or any sort of health condition, but it seems like these days every love story needs an added detail that gets gassed up way too much. Who knows, maybe the diabetes girlies were like YES, FINALLY, a love story for us! So it’s not my place to say…but it did seem forced in parts to reference this character’s sugar levels. Jus sayin is all.

If you ever got Cosmopolitan and flipped to the back for the Red Hot Read, but also like the rom-com buildup to the big show (girls need plot and that’s obvious) this book and literally any other Tessa book is for you.

One of the Good Guys – Araminta Hall

This was a curveball for me. Each week I go to the lib and I grab a breezy rom-com with a colorful cover featuring an illustration of a broody looking guy with a chiseled jaw–bonus points if he’s in a backwards hat and then I pick a midnight blue cover with a creepy-looking house with some title variation of “the neighbor in the last house is watching you.” I read the dark & twisty book first, then do a palate cleanse with people pretending they’re married to get ahead at work and accidentally falling in love along the way. This book presented as twisty, but also had some interesting undertones of “are all men rapey murderers?” mixed in. I was intrigued. I don’t know that it would be at the top of my list for rec’s, but it was a different approach to the “who’s telling the truth” type of storytelling. A slow burn at first, it follows a guy who is going through a divorce and takes a job as a forest ranger out in the middle of nowhere. Through his perspective of what went wrong in his relationship (very victim-oriented), we also learn that two young girls are hiking across the country to raise awareness for sexual assault and just reminded in general how women are treated by disgusting men. They cross paths in the forest where he lives and end up going missing. The book does a good job of making you question if this guy is actually a total sociopath or if he really is “one of the good guys.” It has a nice twist in the end and being satisfied with it is the closest I’ll ever get to becoming a hardcore feminist who marches in parades with a vagina hat.

If you’re a pussy-head marcher, this book is absolutely for you, but ALSO if you want to dip your toes in the men are trash waters, this is a nice shallow, thought-provoking dip.

Welcome Home, Caroline Kline – Courtney Preiss

10/10 recommend scooting your beach chair right up to the tide and consuming a book with your feet fully immersed in the ocean. No better feeling.

I found out about this book before it was even published through the Jersey Collective, the local group/account that I’ve done a photography takeover on a couple times now. The author lives in Asbury Park and I thought it was cool that by six degrees of separation (following the same local IG account) I knew her. You’ll notice that this book does not have a library sticker on it because I ACTUALLY purchased it. And I didn’t return it a day later after reading it. An incredibly rare occurrence! I wanted to support the local author cause because if the day ever comes that I publish my memoir, you bet your ass I’ll want everyone to pay full-price for a hard copy. Also, it looked like a book that intertwined many of my interests: baseball, the Jersey shore, and moving back home for a short stint to lick one’s wounds. We love a messy lead and Caroline Kline is certainly that. She quits her job to move to CA with her boyfriend, gets dumped, then ends up moving home to help her dad mend after a tumble and take his place in the local Jersey Shore men’s softball league that he’s determined to win a championship with. This story has everything! Sports, family drama, vulnerable ‘where the hell is my life going’ moments, being back in your hometown when you never wanted to be back in your hometown sass and of course, a summer romance. Caroline also has a Grade A foul mouth and lots of Jersey ‘tude, which is so fun to read in a story and much less fun when it’s directed at you on a Sunday morning in ShopRite.

Check it out if you want to try being a Jersey Girl for a summer down the shore on for size and see what it’s like to prove yourself on an all-boys team and talk trash to a bunch of old townies.

Everything After – Jill Santopolo

I remember reading almost exactly the same book by Jill Santopolo before, so if you’re not into authors regurgitating the same storyline with different characters, skip this one. If I were Jill’s husband, I’d start to get a little suspicious by book #2 where the plot is all about that one significant love…”the one who got away,” reappearing after decades, perhaps at a crossroads in the main character’s current relationship, making them question if they made the right choice or if they should blow up their whole life. As someone who has nearly drowned in the BUT WHAT IF WE WERE MEANT TO BE whirlpool one too many times, I clearly have a soft spot for the second chance romance novels. I imagine many people can relate to letting your mind wander down the ‘every decision you make sets you on a completely different path’ wormhole. This story following a woman who is married and trying for kids flips back and forth between her present-day story and old journals to weave together past and present with the two greatest loves of her life. It’s a more serious read dealing with pregnancy loss, keeping secrets, and figuring out who you are and not losing that in a relationship. So for me, it sits neatly dead center on the spectrum between trashy novels with boneriffic sex scenes and murder books.

If your’e feeling wistful or like maybe you should leave your husband and go on tour with your ex-boyfriend who wrote a hit song about how much he loves you, then this is FO SHO the read for you.

The Daydreams – Laura Hankin

I keep a long-running list of books that are recommended to me from friends, newsletters, mah homegirl Reese Witherspoon, and then I usually forget that list exists and judge books by their covers and grab a stack every few weeks from the new books section. Then I hit a wall and realize I can’t pick up the romantic novel that LOOKS normal one more time only to read the description ending in: “will two wolf shape-shifters get it together and find love?” Sorry not sorry, wolf sex ain’t it for me. Anyway, the point of that rant was to say that this month I realized I had read almost every new book that I wanted to and it was time to pull up my trusty, often ignored list and dive into the stacks for not-so-new books. This was one of them. Recommended for millennials who loved teen soaps (ME), this follows a group of actors who grew up doing a musical show together on essentially a Disney network but they’ll never name-drop Disney in a fictional story because they’ll owe Walt big buckers. It was giving cast of High School Musical vibes and was told mostly from the “bitchy” one’s perspective flipping between the past and to the present day, using devices like journal entries, gossip columns, group chats, celeb interviews and tweets. It was a fun way to get a probably more true than not depiction of what it’s like to throw teenagers into stardom and have them all try to figure that out while also having slimy producers and network execs running their lives and cashing in on their every move. It’s not SO jarring that we’re creeping into Dan Schneider/Nickelodeon territory, but it’s got just the right amount of juicy goss and slimy old white men being dirtbags. Again, a different read than I normally go for because apparently Summer Ju is really experimenting with genres these days!

Read it if you’ve always wondered what it would be like to be mega-famous for 2 years as a teen and then drop out of the spotlight completely to become a lawyer, only to eventually cash in on reunion culture.

The Rule Book – Sarah Adams

The experimenting has ended because this is so cookie-cutter my type of book, it hurts. (Much like Fangirl Down.) Nora’s a sports agent who wears funky outfits everyone makes fun of and says a ton of stupid phrases but doesn’t care because she crushes it at work. Her ex-boyfriend, Derek, is a professional football player. Great timing as the world is obsessed with dating the guy on the football team at the moment…wonder why. She signs him as her first client but he hates her for dumping him in college so natch there’s a little hazing that leads to accidentally revealing true feelings that are still miraculously lingering a decade later. This story’s inclusive twist is that Derek is dyslexic. RAISE AWARENESS FOR DISCOVERING YOU HAVE A LEARNING DISORDER IN YOUR THIRTIES. This is what I’m saying about the add-ons in chick-lit plots these days. I can’t math and have to use a tip calculator every time I eat dinner out. Can we include that as a trauma in the next romance novel so I can feel seen and hold onto hope that someone will still fall in love with me even though I’m dumb with numbies?! LMK. PS it was clear this was one of a series as there were many references to all of the boyz on the football team being swept off their feet with “the one” so if you like this installment, feel free to read the probably 6 other identical love stories…I know I will as I wait for my knight in shining pro athlete who just wants a goofy girl to settle down with.

Read to find out what would’ve happened if Tim Riggins never went to jail and ended up in the NFL and his new agent was Lyla Garrity.

The Golden Couple – Greer Hendricks & Sarah Pekkanen

I read this in one day and that’s the quickest Salty Ju stamp of approval on a book and also proof that I literally have no life. Following a radical therapist who guarantees to fix someone’s life in ten sessions (can I have her numba?) and a couple who seek her out for help, it’s one of those stories where you flip back and forth between the therapist’s perspective and the wife who cheated on her husband’s perspective and you learn new secrets each chapter. You question who’s the good guy and who’s the bad guy and what else is being hidden and obviously you’re not going to find out until the twist at the very end WHICH IS WHY I COULDN’T PUT IT DOWN UNTIL I KNEW FOR SURE. I suspected something wasn’t right with the one who turns out to be a villain, but I didn’t outright predict it and there were enough weirdos involved for everyone to look sus. So it was worth staying up until 1am to finish on a Saturday evening. WOO wild night.

Read if you enjoy thrillers that aren’t terrifying, but have enough drama and clues to keep you guessing who the psychopath is.

**Also, completely unrelated to the plot, but this was another one recommended to me a while back by a fellow bookworm and when I looked it up on the trusty catalog at the library, they said they had it but I couldn’t find it, even double checking by singing my ABC’s in my head, so I asked the librarian for assistance, and when she couldn’t find it, I told her to forget it, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Except that she was committed and wanted to find it too. As it turns out, this book was only available in Large Print. Since I’m not geriatric, I’ve always borrowed regular print books, but I felt bad about this 20 minute search so I borrowed the LP. When I cracked this bad boy open at the beach, I was MEGA embarrassed. I saw how big those words were and I assumed everyone behind me on the sand and possibly parasailing 50 ft in the air could read along with me. Whenever I looked at my phone I thought I had messed with a setting to make that text smaller. So that’ll probably be it for me with the size 50 font books. I even took myself out for a seafood dinner (cause no one else will) and brought this book as my date. HIGHLY recommend shoving crab cake into your crab-hole, slurping rosé, and trying to figure out who the loony is in a good read (and letting the old couple 4 tables away try as well, without even putting on their cheaters.)

The people stuck on the moon right now said thanks for letting them follow along.

It Must Be True Then – Luci Adams

This is for my Sophie Kinsella girlies. Anyone who loves a real disaster of a British character. Daisy gets dumped by a marketing exec she’s been banging at work for a year and also fired from said job right around the same time. She deals with it by staging a bunch of fake photos and videos on Instagram to show everyone she’s doing just fine and embarrassing herself. There’s wholesome friend and family storylines, obviously a romance brews, and even some sassy kids who surprisingly for me don’t ruin the story, but make it more heartwarming. It’s a lovely lesson in focusing on the good in your life, not being a fake betch on social media, and trusting the process because everything will all work out in the end. I need all of those lessons very frequently, so it hit home for me. And oh boy, it sure is fun to read someone else’s hot mess express journey to learning these lessons. It’s the classic, well I’m bad but at least I’m not THAT BAD. Also, you CANNOT beat British funny phrases. For instance when Daisy’s sister says, “Because it’s 3pm on a Wednesday and I just caught you sharing your nip nops with the Internet.” Cue me inserting nip nops into every sentence forever and ever.

This book is like Sophie Kinsella’s The Burnout meets Can You Keep A Secret? You’ll appreciate it if you’ve ever done something cringe for social media to make your life look better than it is or attract a guy.

Five Bad Deeds – Caz Frear

Another page turner to see who is terrible and who isn’t in a cast of shady characters. The book starts out with Ellen in jail and then goes backwards three months and obviously you spend the whole story trying to find out how this B ended up in the slammer. Told from MANY different perspectives, it was almost difficult at first to keep everyone straight, especially when you toss in names like Nush and Esme and Orla. Those damn Brits, I tell ya. It’s fun to unravel the secrets and also just the general theme (that often happens in these thriller-type novels) that people who make up your community and seem to be your closest circle of girliepops more often than not actually can’t stand you and wish for you to fail and/or try to steal your husband. #Girlhood.

This book is for you if you love a mystery full of family drama, can keep up with a lot of characters, and believe a house can be cursed.

I had high hopes of getting through my next book (One-Star Romance by Laura Hankin) before publishing this blog, but I wanted to get the blog out there while there are still beach days to be had so you can all take my expert advice and go get yourself a fresh read. Since it would bother me until the end of time if I didn’t have an even-steven 10 titles, I’m going to cheat and add one that I read back in January because I believe every millennial should read it and better sooner rather than later since OF COURSE they’re turning it into a movie now.

The Woman In Me – Britney Spears

It’s no secret that I love a celebrity memoir (please refer to the several YEARS of celeb goss I peddled in my Weekly JUices on this very blog) and Britney’s was HIGHLY anticipated. Was I expecting her to have actually written it? No, of course not. But read one page of this book and you immediately know it’s true. If I had to guess this whole book is about a 3rd grade reading level of difficulty. Even Derek from The Rule Book could read it with his dyslexia. HEYYYOOO. Callback dig. But actually, I recommend it to all because it is THAT easy to get through. The chapters are incredibly short and the vocabulary used is that of a woman who grew up in the south and then was held hostage by a lunatic for 13 years and survived to tell the tale. For anyone who was even a scooch intrigued by her conservatorship, this is her side of the story. And folks, it is horrifying. It’s eye opening to see how someone can get manipulated into being a prisoner and essentially a slave to her deranged dad as a grown adult and have it be perfectly legal. More importantly, if you ever had a crush on JT growing up like I did, you’ll want to cringe out of your skin at the BTS stories of their relationship. What a tool he is. #TeamBritney! I hope she stays somewhat sane and stops tossing knives around and showing us her cooch on IG, but also, after reading this book, I totally understand why she would.

If you liked Jessica Simpson’s memoir for the insider relationship stories and very real trauma that we never got the full scoop on because tabloids just shit all over these women, you’ll appreciate BritBrit’s story.

JUST FOR LAUGHS BONUS: Not to kink shame, but here’s an example of why after pinching a bright book from the shelf, I always read the back/inside cover for a brief overview and to make sure I’m not about to dive into a book with furry fetish bullshit. This one was so preposterous that I sent it to my sister for a chuckle and will now share with you for some shark shits and giggles. Don’t just judge a book by its cover…judge it by its cover AND THEN double check the summary. Imagine being married to a Great White? Nightmare, I assume. A gorgeous debut novel though, I’m sure.

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Pop Culture, Uncategorized

BoooooOOOOoooooKs!

 

For some of you it might come as a surprise that I’m actually an avid reader. I like to keep everyone on their toes and show them that I’m a little more than reality TV and celebrity gossip. Just kitten, I mostly read the literary version of dirty rom-com trash BUT every once and a while (usually each summer) I buckle down and try on a new book that everyone is buzzing about. I mostly do this so that I always have a more respectable title to throw out when someone asks me what I’ve been reading than “Dirty Thoughts: A Mechanics of Love Novel.” As it turns out, my reading list from this summer/fall shined a spotlight on female authors, so I will be giving you a chick lit rundown of must-reads. Feel free to lower your expectations for highbrow reading, as there’s only so much you can expect from a girl whose only bookmarks look like this:

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1. Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins.

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This was my one adult-level read this past summer and I immediately forced several people around me to read it so I could relive it through them. It’s a mystery told in several different perspectives to keep the plot twist hard to guess until the end. The main narrator, Rachel, is a sloppy alcoholic who becomes fascinated with a couple in a nice neighborhood that she watches from the train every day on her commute. Then the woman she watches from the train suddenly disappears and Rachel tries to involve herself in the investigation. This book is a page-turner but also made me want to punch the main character in the face. She’s a hot mess express and you often are not on her side, which makes you question every piece of information she’s giving you. Also fun fact: it will be made into a movie. FTR you’ll see me write that after almost every book I review, because Hollywood is unoriginal and authors rule the world. (Also pretty sure 50% of this list was picked up by Reese Witherspoon’s production company. LADIES R00L THE WORLD.)

 

2. Who Do You Love- Jennifer Wiener.

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I learned about this book because Jennifer Wiener is actually a die-hard Bachelor(ette) fan and often live tweets things far funnier than I could ever write in my recaps. The good news is that she’s actually a very talented writer unlike those on the set of ABC’s moneymaker reality show. This is a classic love story about Rachel and Andy who meet by chance when they’re children and then how their lives intersect through out the years as they grow up and make terrible decisions and how they always seem to find their way back to each other. It’s kind of sad and also a lot poetic about how each choice we make in our lives have consequences and how to find the right path in the end. I honestly think that’s the smartest and least sarcastic sentence I’ve ever written on The Salty Ju.

 

3. Luckiest Girl Alive- Jessica Knoll.

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In a post Gone Girl world, every author is itching to release the next crazy-ass female driven story. Welp, this is it. Obviously it was outright compared to Gone Girl, giving it a little more clout and intrigue, but this book might have been more F’ed up than Gone Girl. Sure, Amy Dunne was the biggest psycho on this earth, but the twist in this story actually gave me nightmares the night after I read it. I ripped through the first half of the book, refusing to put it down until I saw the creepy secret past, then had terrifying dreams influenced by it, then finished the book as soon as I woke up in the morning. So yes, it’s vividly disturbing, but also clearly it was written well if I read it in less than 12 hours. Ani is an editor at a top fashion magazine and about to marry a WASPy finance guy, so she’s basically living the dream except for the fact that her past keeps sneaking up to haunt her perfect life. *To be made into a movie, obv. Unfortunately, the pictures in my mind of this book were graphic enough, so I really don’t ever need to see them played out on the big screen, especially with our country’s current state of gun violence. (Baby spoiler)

 

4. Why Not Me- Mindy Kaling.

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For those who like a good series of funny stories and anecdotes from comedians, this is Mindy’s newest installment and just as good as her first (Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me-And Other Concerns.) If you’re not a fan of Mindy’s candid tone and tendency to talk like a high schooler, this book is not for you. The book includes stories about her dating life, her weird AF relationship with BJ Novak, what a typical day looks like for her (which I found fascinating as a TV junkie) and even the speech she gave at Harvard Law School. What’s cool about Mindy is that everyone fixates on her being Indian and not stick skinny and she addresses both in this book by saying hey assholes I’m being myself and we don’t need to draw attention to these factors every day.

 

5. The Royal We- Heather Cocks & Jessica Morgan.

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This was a book I’ve been hearing about since the beginning of summer but when I finally cracked it open a week or two ago, I was not expecting an anthology. Save this read for a long week’s vacation or possibly an excuse to stay away from your family during the holidays. Written by the creators of Go Fug Yourself, it’s an American spin on the fascination all us commoners have with the Royals. Bex is a twin from Iowa who decides to do a semester at Oxford and happens to live in the same dorm as the heir to the crown, you know, literally every American girl’s dream when they study abroad in England. The story, told in 5 parts from Bex’s perspective, tells their love story and dramas from the very beginning all the way to the royal wedding. It’s fun because Bex is a tomboy who loves baseball, drinking, and not washing her hair and she snags a hot prince. Also it is loosely based on Will & Kate’s love story, with a slutty royal brother that strikes many resemblances to Prince Harry. It was announced recently that this will be made into movie magic, of course and Lauren Graham & Mae Whitman have already signed on. For those of you who have experienced the cinematic magic that is The Duff, you’ll understand why Mae is the perfect actress for this character.

 

Bonus: Wallbanger- Alice Clayton.

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I’m sneaking this one on the list…it’s neither new nor a classy read by any means (the cover gives that away…don’t read in public without a book sock.) However, it’s one of my favorite books of all time and I would feel wrong not including it on a list of glowing recommendations. Caroline moves into a new apt and her hottie neighbor Simon invites a new chick over every night to bang one out, which would be fine except that their bedrooms share a wall and therefore she’s hearing a lot of sex and not participating in any of it. They hate each other and exchange some words until their separate groups of friends end up hanging out and suddenly they’re all a squad and everyone starts pairing off. Told from Caroline’s point of view it’s hilarious and well-written with sneak peeks of sexy times, AKA a book about sex with an actual story (I’m looking at you 50 Shades…) Even better news if you love the first, there’s 2 more books in the series.

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