Category Archives: Nashville

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I’ve Got Reasons to Hate You”

Nashville-Season-3

Three weeks have passed in Nashville since the wedding that wasn’t, the death that wasn’t, and the dad that wasn’t. The writers took a break this week from the exhausting and repetitive story lines of Will and Layla and I’ve never been more grateful. Also noticeably missing? Luke the scorned lover, because apparently he’s crushing it post-Rayna…and it all started with that fire flames song at his wedding concert.

While Luke is undoubtedly playing show after show and hate-banging groupies, Deacon is dealing with his liver cancer, which has consumed his life. He reveals the bad news to his AA group and promptly tells them that he doesn’t want any of their booze soaked organs so keep those on lock down. Deacon’s liver may be aggressively depleting, but the man’s sense of humor is still all there. The big drama starts when Mommy Dearest Beverly returns to Nashville to make Scarlett cower under a piano again. Just kidding, Scarlett tricked her into coming back and making amends when really she just wants to get her hands on a new liver for Deacon. Deacon finds out that Scarlett sneaky invited his sister and he has a seizure. Calm down, Deacon, no reason to get all bent out of shape, gawd. It’s a real rollercoaster of emotions when Bev says “NO LIVER FOR YOU, DEACON!” and then decides to take the test after Scarlett begs her to be a decent human being. And now’s the point in time when I must interrupt this melodrama to announce that SMOKESHOW DOC IS BACK. Yaassss. Fresh eye candy. He talks about what the surgery entails and how long the recovery period is as I drool at my TV.

Anyway, back to the ADORABLY BARFWORTHY happy family reunion scene when Bev, Deacon and Scarlett harmonize around the kitchen sink. Everyone is smiling and crooning when there is an abrupt ending to the campfire singing. Coming from left field, Bev isn’t a blood type match. WOW. You mean to tell me Deacon put ALL of his HOPE on ONE person and she’s NOT a match? Could she be lying about her results though? Is that something that Bev would do, cause she seemed so pure of heart…Oh wait she was lying and was about to sneak outta town right quick too. Bevdawgz gets caught in the act and pulls the “you did this to yourself” classic line with Deacon. She leaves and confirms she’s still an awful person. Little downward spiral when Scarlett sobs about Deacon probz dying in the dark and Deacon admits he’s terrified. C’mon guys, TV shows don’t kill off main characters unless they’re looking to commit show suicide (I’m looking at you The OC). There is NO NEED to be worried at all. (As I google spoiler alerts to confirm that Deacon lives…)

We should be worried about Rayna’s career though because girl has been hibernating from the press and it’s gotten to the point where she was offered a residency in Vegas. I am appalled. This is Rayna JAMES. She ain’t no Mariah Carey! She’ll retire to Vegas, NEVER. She decides instead to have an impromptu show at the Bluebird. Except oopsie, while rehearsing she sees a picture of her and Deacon on the wall and spirals into Deana (Raycon? Dayna? We’ll work on that..) flashbacks to a couple months ago, which is probably for the best because any time they’ve flashed back any farther Rayna’s hair has been all sorts of ugly. In these flashbacks she has perfect waves and a side braid that’s on point, oh and also Deacon almost kills her in that drunk driving incident. Blip on the radar, really. Suddenly she can’t perform because she remembered that.

Luckily for Rayna, while she’s going through all this emotional trauma she can really rely on her daughter to be a rock and pull her through. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Maddie amps up her insufferable teen vibes this week and it’s SUFFOCATING. It seems as though Jeff Fordham’s “after school music program” is actually just his way of covering up child labor laws because he has Maddie & Daphne in a recording studio laying down tracks. Teddy walks in and is like yes, my two daughters in a studio with a label exec looks very typical for an educational group, there is certainly nothing suspicious about this. Obviously it turns sketchy real fast when Jeff proposes a record deal for Maddie, kicking little Daphne to the CURB. That’s cold, Jeff. Teddy’s rational for a second and says no to a record deal for his fifteen year old daughter. It certainly doesn’t help Maddie’s case that she immediately shouts about how she’s so old and mature and would like to move out of the house, start smoking and bang randoms.Or she just wants to become a country star, same difference, really. Maddie continues her Tour de Torment when she bugs the shit out of her mom trying to get the juicy deets about Deacon. Rayna and Maddie sob togets about how Deacon’s not talking to them.. which makes them look like a couple of real selfish assholes. Maybe take your private car that’s probably always on call over to Deacon’s house and check things out? Just a suggestion.

Equally as selfish but even more annoying is Micah, the overdramatic kid who has taken to ignoring Gunnar’s phone calls and pretending he’s not home. Too bad his grams narc’ed on him, leading Gunnar to drop in for a surprise visit. Wittle baby Micah has a wittle baby meltdown because his dad was a bad guy AND SO IS HE. Micah shouts this as he runs away as fast as those little chicken legs will take him.To reward Micah for being such a well-behaved and idyllic child, Gunnar gifts Micah with a brand new iPhone. Uncle Gunz also pulls the classic giving of the gift and THEN asking if the grandparents are ok with it after the kid already has his dirty paws all over it– putting them in the position where they can’t say no unless they want Micah to cry and run away again. Moral of the story, I expect many future Facetimes between Gunnar and the little shit with the top of the line cell phone. (Side note: Mom and Dad-I still have the 4S so if you’d like to surprise me with the newest model for throwing a tantrum I wouldn’t hate it.)

In lame story line land, Glen visits Juliette bearing candy and news that no one wants to pay her to sing or act but is she maybe interested in doing the noon show at Seaworld? She spends the rest of the episode reminding us once again that she’s having a baby as if we can’t SEE that buildings tremble when she walks by. Also apparently she has many months to go before baby…does this mean she’ll get bigger?! Have I mentioned that I never want to be pregnant?

Finally, we get the Bluebird concert we’ve all been waiting for. Rayna has gotten over her case of the flashbacks and invites Maddie and Daphne onstage to sing. She tells us so poetically that it brings a tear to my eye, “This song is called real life, cause that’s what we’re livin.” You mean to say that you’re not living fake life? Mind. Blown. It’s a sad song of course, because real life often is sad when the man you’ve loved your whole life but also avoided has liver cancer that you don’t know about. It’s the Bluebird comeback that we’ve been waiting for but I’m not so sure it’s the Bluebird concert that we deserve.

What we don’t deserve is the disbanding of the Maddie & Daphne dream team of harmonies. Teddy gets that and so he tells Jeff Fordham to kick rocks with that record deal. Fordham strong arms him like he’s some sort of southern Mafioso and not the sleazy record exec that porks girls half his age and gives them pills as a parting gift. And wouldn’t you know that the fast and loose lifestyle of Bachelor Teddy comes back to haunt present day Teddy. Don Fordham is swift to pull the “using the taxpayers money for sex” card aaaand Teddy’s pretty much screwed. Literally and figuratively. Hope Rayna understands that the price of their daughter is a few penetration sessions with a whore! Where do I sign?

A Few of My Favorite Things:

-“Touch my caramels and I’mma cut a bitch.” Is this something women are only allowed to say while pregs? Cause I’m pretty sure I’ve uttered that about my chocolate before…

-Tand(y)/(ie) and her fake buzzcut disappeared into Tandyland.

-There are about 4 gratuitous Taylor Swift shoutouts in this episode and I eat that shit right up. I don’t love Maddie comparing herself to Tay though. Nice try, little girl.

-“Rayna is a fading ball of gas to the comet that Maddie could become.” Epic sci-fi burn by the Fordster.

-Jeff Fordham losing his SHIT on his assistant this episode was kind of hot right? Like hurling shit and calling her an idiot all because he needs to find a new young pop star to bone? No, just me? Whatever.

-While Maddie is wah-wahing about how Deacon is ignoring her, Daphne zings her with “Maybe he has a life.” YEAH, take a hint for once, Maddie.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I’m Not That Good At Goodbye”

Nashville-Season-3

After leaving off in December with some SHOCKING revelations that kept me awake for many restless nights in January, I was truly relieved to see how everything turned out for country music’s finest boozed, beaten and unmarried. As you can imagine, after calling of her wedding 10 minutes before even though she knew she was in love with Deacon the minute she started dating Luke, Rayna was on full damage control. Apparently Luke was mad about getting dumped on his wedding day, and he takes his anger out on their wedding cake via his truck. Ooohhh, yeah you drive into that wedding cake, Luke, show it how mad you are. (Or just mail it to me, because wasting cake should be a crime.)

Anyway, Rayna must tell the girls that the wedding is off because they’re basically waiting for her in their dresses. Seriously, Rayna you couldn’t have gotten an earlier start with cancelling your wedding day? Rayna breaks the news to her little snotrockets and Tandie, the mysterious pinned back pixie cut. Madz is back to walking the campaign trail of Deacon and Rayna (AKA Mom and Dad) Forever. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sneaky sets up a wedding for them Parent Trap style. Daphz throws a tantrum because she liked Luke a lot and Sage was going to be her sister. I’m assuming she forgot about the sister she already has, who she also spends every minute with. Hey Daphne, Rayna is moving on from Luke and probably bouncing back to Deacon now, try to keep up. Don’t get attached.

We should get attached to Layla, however, because apparently she’s here to stay. Yep, that’s right, Layla did not die face down in a pool at a party that her gay husband was boinking another woman at. Layla pretty much sums up her existence when she wakes up at the hospital and admits to Will, “I tried to kill myself and couldn’t even get that right.” Apparently her failures at life were inspiring to Will because he decided to finally tippy toe out of the closet. He tells Jeff Fordham about the reality footage and good ole Jeff threatens the producer to shut down the reality show or he’ll ruin her and probably also have sex with her. Speaking of sex, remember when Jeff had sex with Layla and then handed her a bottle of pills to stop bothering him when he had other options? Jeff’s bro Mayor Teddy came through in the clutch. Teddy does some dirty work when he meets with a cop and says let’s sweep this little hookers, blow, face down in a pool incident under the rug, shall we Chief of Police? It’s all for the sake of music education, you see.

Someone who could truly use music education is the world’s most annoying child, Micah. He sings and plays a duet with his NOT REAL dad Gunnar and I have to mop up my vomit all over the place from how queer it is. They even high five at the end. Nope. Gunnar goes to paternity court with the grandparents and finally tells Micah that he’s actually Uncle Gunz. Side note: If Gunnar was my uncle this is ABSOLUTELY what I would call him. What a boss nickname. Micah FREAKS out like a wittle bitch and runs into his grandparents’ arms. I would expect nothing less from a kid who gets lost going to the bathroom. He chooses his grandparents to live with and DON’T TEASE ME NASHVILLE; get him OUTTA here for good.

Let’s pick things up for a second with newlyweds Avery and Juliette and their future baby that they didn’t mention once this episode. Sorry, they did when Juliette said once this baby comes I want a real honeymoon. Ummmm, once that baby comes you have to be a MOM, Juliette. I know. It’s tough to understand. Anyway they’re all in love and newly wedded bliss and forgetting the fact that Juliette got porked by Jeff Fordham in the bathroom of a party full of sleazy music execs. They have a classic newlywed fight when Avery moves all his shit in and Juliette thinks it’s ugly and wants it outta there. They make up 10 minutes later because they’re in LOOOURRVEEE, guys. Can’t wait till that baby slides out and they leave it on Jeff Fordham’s doorstep on their way to Hawaii.

Sadie, on the other hand, won’t be leaving town any time soon because her ex husband is lurking ready to beat the shit out of her. She goes to buy a gun and her only ID is her massive black eye and the most common fake name in America. She midas whale have said her name was Jane Doe. Remind me to Google gun purchasing laws in Tennessee, because this didn’t look promising. She goes home and writes/performs a song—the chorus is “I don’t wanna write a sad song” and it sounds like the saddest song in the world. Good work, Sadie. Pete comes back and is all sorry girl, my B. Let me in, I have cookies–as she has her gun cocked behind the door ready to fire. I guess she doesn’t want cookies. She finally gets some sense when she documents her black eye and fills out an order of protection instead of relying on her illegally purchased gun to keep her safe.

Ok, back to the love triangle that is actually not a triangle at all. After ruining the cake, Luke charges on over to Deacon’s looking for Rayna to be naked in his bed (we all were, Luke.) They get in a physical altercation, and by that I mean Luke gets sassy and Deacon immediately punches him in the face and then whispers “Wheels up, jackass” in his grill and it’s just as glorious as “Welcome to the OC, Bitch”. Deacon continues with his smug little smirk of a man whose won and shows up to Rayna’s looking to B-O-N-E. He’s sent packing by weird hair Tandie and goes to his doctor’s appointment. Deacon learns he needs a liver transplant or chemo because TUMOR. Scarlett jumps to donate but she’s not the right blood type. I know that all of this is vital and serious medical information but WHO is this doctor? He’s a smoke and deserves to be a full time character. Who can we hook him up with? Fingers crossed for more of Dr. Sexy. Oh and I guess that Deacon doesn’t die too.

Luke wishes he could die as he shoots bottles of Cristal in his backyard. Rayna has the nerve to show her face again while her ex-fiancé is yielding a gun. Luke turns into a bitchy cheerleader and says he knew from day one that he should have never been with Rayna because DEACON OF COURSE. He also basically tells her you’re welcome for making your career what it is, SEE YA BITCH. Rayna wants to get ahead of the rumors Luke will eventually blab to the paps so she makes a statement casj making it sound like she didn’t totes stomp all over Luke’s precious heart. Luke maturely responds by turning their supposed wedding into a big private concert. At this concert he plays the FIRST Luke Wheeler song I’ve ever liked. YAAASSS. Drunken surly woman-hating Luke for the win!! I almost wished that Rayna would appear in the crowd and tell Luke No; YOU’RE welcome for a career, because it’s clear he’ll thrive from heartbreak songs, courtesy of Ray-Ray.

And finally the Team Deaconites get their wish when Rayna goes to him and delivers a beautiful and touching love speech. She’s loved him since the first time she laid eyes on him. Sigh. She still loves him. Swoon. She almost married Luke because she didn’t want to deal with Deacon’s booziness. Wait, what? She asks for some time because duh she hasn’t had enough yet. Deacon replies, “You take as much time as you need… But I’ll probably already be dead, no biggie, also do you happen to have an extra liver lying around?” JUST KITTEN, guys. He doesn’t tell her he has mere weeks to live. Deacon wants to take care of Rayna instead of being a freeloading drunk asshole so he’s gonna keep it from her. These two keeping secrets from each other every time they get back together is pretty much always a success story so this is really comforting. We have about 2 weeks until this implodes so enjoy their love while you can!

Oh, and lastly my underrated favorite saga of the night was when Maddie calls Colt to fight Rayna & Luke’s battles. Ah young love. WE WILL NEVER HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN she shouts at Colt after he takes Luke’s side. JK they reunite 10 minutes later and the sexual tension is THROUGH THE ROOF, cause it’s no longer incest guys, so it’s AOK.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “First to Have a Second Chance”

Nashville-Season-3

 

This is the last new episode until February 4th so let’s cherish these last moments together. Remember how we’ve been watching the same story lines for 9 weeks now and nothing has really been happening? Well this episode is exactly like the others, EXCEPT for the last 10 minutes, because it’s the “fall finale” you see, and the writers are specifically paid to cram as many cliffhangers into the last moments as humanly possible, cause ratings. So we all have that to look forward to….at the end of this blog. HAHA I CAN DO IT TOO. Keeping you guys on the edge of your seat, nailed it. Let’s talk boring shit first.

Remember how Layla slept with Jeff Fordham and we were all like oh, honey? Well she falls right into that trap that we all saw from miles away and this week she starts flirty texting him like they’re both in 8th grade. “Excited for your party tonight!” “Are you bringing a date?” She types with a shit eating grin on her face and we all cover our eyes knowing what’s about to happen. I didn’t know that Jeff Fordham was going to become my favorite person this week. I think it’s finally gotten to the point where he’s so greasy and evil that it’s actually hilarious now. Jeff tells Will that there’s rumors about him being gay, you know, cause he’s gay, and Will’s like hey let’s just keep ignoring those, no biggie. Jeff’s not into that though, so he gives one of my favorite lines of the night when he tells Will to “butch it up.” YES. Will takes this to mean that he should force his wife Layla to come on tour with him, but she’s already planning her wedding to Jeff so she politely says nah I’m dating a straight now while she’s texting him heart emojis. Will sees the two of them mingling at Jeff’s Christmas party and puts two and two together because they are NOT discreet with their “I’m going to put a santa hat on you and we’ll giggle” style of flirting. Will addresses Jeff about banging his wife and smooth moves Jeff delivers my second favorite line of the night, “Clearly she’s not getting it at home so it’s better that she get it from me than some stranger.” Jeff laying pipe because SOMEBODY’S gotta do it. But then of course Layla gets sloppy drunk and throws herself at the Jeffster and he’s like no thank you, please stop and girl goes OFF. Jeff pays her in pills to calm the F down because giving pills to a depressed wasted white girl always ends in butterflies and rainbows. Oh, also Will sleeps with a random chick at the party to prove he’s not gay. (Have I typed that same sentence before? Anyway…)

Speaking of random chicks, remember Kiley the actual mom of Micah the most annoying kid in the world who acts way too much like a toddler to be like 8 years old? Yeah his grandparents come into town because it turns out they’re his legal guardians since their daughter up and peaced out. Gunnar, the gleaming dad is PEZZED because he’s all about Micah now and he’s taking the grandparents to court for custody. Gunnar lawyers up and they focus WAY too much on how he has to take a paternity test to prove he’s the father and since we’re not idiots we all know this means Gunnar isn’t the real father. Gunnar entertains the grandparents at the house and they all have a nice family dinner where Micah tells them how he got to go to the CMA’s but doesn’t tell them how he got lost going to the goddamn bathroom. The grandparents declare their hate for Gunnar because he used to be a jailbird. Micah’s obviously listening at the top of the stairs and wah-wahing.

You know who else is calling the wahmbulance this episode? Deacon because it’s Rayna’s wedding weekend and he’s on high alert to hit the sauce again. Scarlett decides to babysit him in Memphis and they hit the town booze free. They start out by watching some ducks swim around a fountain, then they find a karaoke bar where they get onstage SOBER because they’re professional singers and become the people everyone hates at a karaoke bar. If you can actually sing you don’t belong at karaoke, stop making everyone else look bad. Then Deacon tells Scarlett he doesn’t feel well and goes home, sees a magazine cover of Ruke/Layna, gets the scaries, throws shit around and then apparently passes out on the floor to be found by Scarlett later, unconscious.

Whoa things got dark there for a second, let’s bring it back up with Juliette and Avery folding baby clothes and having a way too casual conversation about how they’re going to handle having a baby and not being together. Juliette just happens to toss it out there that she does have a guest room and oh wait, would you look at that, here’s your spare key to the house that just happened to be lying around. I think we all know how these two are at this point..Avery’s all for it, then he has a little freak out about it and then everything’s ok again because they’re having a baby and they love each other and Jeff Fordham who?! Meanwhile, Sadie Stone is in the recording studio and who shows up? Her ex-husband Pete who’s demanding dollaz for her songs about him. They have an intense moment when Sadie tells Pete to GTFO and then Avery shows up and they start recording and having a heart to heart about their exes. There was an uncomfortably long moment when they were both committed to head bopping and gazing into each other’s eyes serenading and I wondered how any human could possibly stare that long without feeling weird. And then Sadie talks about how her ex-husband is an asshole but she doesn’t regret marrying him and tells Avery that it’s impossible to be friends with an ex. Hi, I’m a red flag, nice to meet ya.

Another red flag that I choose to ignore but is still occurring on a weekly basis is Bach. Teddy being creepy and gross with his call girl(friend). They’re back at it again this week, banging in front of the Christmas tree, ah the holidays, wonder why that was omitted from the Rayna James Christmas Special. Was this penetration sesh a Christmas gift for Teddy or will he be charged for this one? I’m guessing it was added to his tab because later on, after Teddy is browsing pictures of his daughters post-whoring it out, he comes to his senses and tells his hooker girlfriend NO MORE. Teddy’s done writing checks for sex because pics of his kids remind him he has a heart of gold, or something?

And onto the main event that everyone (no one) has been waiting for, Rayna’s wedding to Luke that all of us knew was never going to happen and yet the show still constantly teased us WHAT WILL RAYNA DO like their viewers are a bunch of morons. Rayna models her wedding dress that I hated real hard, which is a good thing we only saw her wear it in front of the mirror and guess what ya’ll, Tandy’s back in town!! Remember her? Yeah, me neither. She’s here to tell Rayna that pre-wedding jitters are aok and also to insult her last wedding dress that was also hideous. Since Rayna can’t do anything without having it sponsored or filmed anymore, America would like her to extend the Honeymoon Tour with Luke for another 6 months and Rayna’s done being famous now that she whored herself out to the media and instantly regretted it so she tells Luke she’s not into extending the tour. Luke acts like the dream fiance when he assures Rayna that it’s her decision and he’ll do whatever makes her happy. REEEALLLLYY laying it on thick to sympathize with Luke when Rayna stomps on his heart later, one last ditch effort to get the Team Deaconites to switch sides. Ain’t happenin. A little conflict occurs when Rayna tells the girls that she’s going to stay home with them and not keep touring and leaving them to run the house for months at a time. Maddie declares that Rayna can feel free to keep abandoning them because they’re going to boarding school like Luke’s kids do, and Luke approved it. Hm, Rayna should you throw your teenage horny daughter into a college setting with her step brother that she can’t stop making out with? Although that could make for quality TV, Rayna gives a hard no. Then she has the same exact fight with Luke that she’s been having all season about living less like famous, rich divas and they passive aggressively duke it out ending every sentence with babe of course. PLEASE LET THERE BE AN END TO THE CONSTANT “BABE-ING” SOON. It’s like the writers read my mind because after the babe-off, Rayna kicks her wedding doubts into high gear. She tears up at her rehearsal dinner when Maddie and Daphne perform a song they wrote for her and there’s paparazzi all up in their grillpieces, then there’s a lengthy dramatic scene with sad music as Rayna stares at her wedding dress, then her engagement ring from Deacon, then the Rolling Stone, milking this shit for all it’s worth. And FINALLY, the morning of the wedding, with her hair for the first time ever looking anything but fabulous, Rayna breaks it off with Luke among their thousands of funded by People Magazine white chairs and gives him the ole it’s not you it’s me speech. That was cold, Ray. Luke throws some chairs like a tough guy, maybe trying to be more like Deacon to change her mind? Doesn’t matter because Rayna has already committed, taking off that heavy ass ring and having a quick sob sesh in the car.

Rayna breaking off the wedding is the catalyst for all OH SHIT moments that we so greatly deserve. They’re fired at us like bullets from the gun that killed Teddy’s fake pregnant mistress one by one. First up, Avery proposes to Juliette in the most unromantic way possible making her believe he’s not moving in and then saying let’s get married and crushing her with a fierce kiss. I suddenly hate the two of them because Juliette is so desperate to have him back that she’s like Ok cool and they get married and she wears fabric flowers in her hair. They probably got sick of me taunting them to just get back together already and stop being such teases. Second, Sadie’s ex-husband that I was bored with for being a played out story line proves me wrong with one swift punch to her face after he shows up at her door. PETE KO’S SADIE. Now THAT’S the story line we all deserved. (For the record this is not me condoning abuse…unless it’s in fictional TV with a boring character…then it gets real interesting, real quick) Third, Layla is “do something very regrettable” drunk and hits those pills Jeff gave her like nobody’s biz. She’s found face down in the same pool that Teddy and the hooker skinny-dipped in. Instead of calling the cops, Jeff calls his fellow slimeball bro Teddy to make it better quick. Fourth, Deacon wakes up in the hospital and as it turns out he wasn’t drinking, his liver just took a 30 second TO and also he might have cancer. (Timing is everything.) Just as Scarlett is getting weepy about that, fourth, Gunnar shows up super weepy himself and chokes out that he’s not Micah’s father, but his dead brother Jason IS. BOOM. ZING. ELECTRIC. This is some soap opera shit, guys. They sob it up about that and Rayna drives off into the sunset with a creepy half smile on her face. Where is she going? NOBODY KNOWS. Just kitten. Everybody knows she’s gonna go hit up Deacon for sloppy fifths but now he might be terminally ill, so that complicates things. Hold on to your hats, folks, we have to wait until February to see how this all plays out. Predictions are welcome below!

 

Random Highlights:

-When Maddie is making her sales pitch for boarding school she says “Even Dad’s been like SUPER busy lately.” Hmm, I wonder who what he could possibly be so busy doing, Mads.

-Sadie gifts Rayna with a coin for her wedding? Was that a real thing that happened or did I imagine that?

-There’s definite eye sex between Maddie and Colt at the rehearsal dinner during their little song. Get it gurl.

-I spent far too many minutes this episode trying to figure out what the F was up with Tandy’s hair. I sort of recall a story line when she was still clinging onto the show for dear life about her chopping her hair off but it appeared as though the makeup/hair dept. really half assed it and just pulled her hair back for this episode and told the cameramen to avoid any angle that might reveal it. They didn’t do a great job. Either way her hair looked super uggz and I’m hoping that she gets shipped back to San Fran or wherever she scampered off to real soon. No need for another dead-end character hogging up my recaps.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Two Sides to Every Story”

Nashville-Season-3

 

I hope that everyone had a nice break from Nashville and had some time to reflect on why we still watch this show. Yet here we are coming back for more in hopes of a new song to cancel out a full scene of Juliette riding a handicapped scooter with a scarf covering her face. I’m pleased to announce that this week we got one. We finally got a quality song! But more on that later…Let’s begin with our side piece this week that may soon grow into a character with an interesting story line…Sadie Stone. The writers realized that throwing in a dumb text from an ex was not the story we deserved from Sadie and decided instead to enter her into the bang triangle of Avery and Gunnar, like many (every single) a Nashville beauty before. It’s perfect timing really, Zoey has just exited, Gunnar is looking for some rebound lovin (and a mom for his kid…who unfortunately is still around). Avery is still doing the do-si-do with deciding if he’s gong to re-up with Juliette and let’s be real, she’s only getting bigger and crazier by the minute. Sadie sits down to co-write with Gunnar and he tries to lay it on thick for her, we all know Gunnar does his best flirting while song writing, but instead of ending in a hookup it ends in Sadie offering for her manager to show up to one of Gunnar’s band’s (that is currently dunzo) gigs so long as Gunnar can find a producer for Sadie’s record. And just like that, Avery is entered into the mix, meeting with Sadie at the band’s gig and trying to charm is way into her pants—sorry—recording studio.

Since all of the young’ns on Nashville are tied because they’ve all porked each other at some point, crazypants Juliette gets involved because she overheard all this going down and was like hey this is around the time when I can blame everything I do on pregnancy hormones. She grabs that wet blanket of an assistant/friend and starts tailing Avery to see if he’s moving on. Of course, we all remember too vividly that this is when the aforementioned motorized scooter slapstick comedy of Juliette wearing a scarf on her head and taking down a tent at the music festival occurs. Avery catches her spying because WHO WOULDN’T SPOT HER?! It’s like looking for the Loch-ness Monster on land. They have a little conflict where Avery pulls the “I’m trying to provide for our child and you blew it!” card, shaming Juliette into sitting down with Sadie and selling Avery for the producer job. Juliette promises not to be a jelly belly (can we get that in writing?), Sadie agrees, and we take another step forward with Juliette and Avery getting back together. Except now we have Sadie who will be working with Avery closely on her album…hmmm….

At the same music festival where gangster Juliette was joy riding at speeds of 1 mph, Layla and Will decide to attend wearing “disguises”. Layla declares at the beginning of the episode, “I’m tired of us.” Me too, Layla, me too…you walked right into that one really. Apparently her and I have different solutions for how to not be tired of them–I would assume that means they leave the show, they decided instead to wear hipster beanies and sunglasses to the music festival deeming them TOTALLY anonymous. This will go great until Will inevitably looks for a penetration buddy…and it took just about no time for that to occur. Will sees that a bartender is gay and turns into an after school special asking him what it’s like to be gay. Obviously a confused and closeted Will sees this as flirting and then gets sloppy drunk and tries to kiss the bartender later, ending in some dramatics and oh wait he’s still in the closet and we’ve seen the same story line with him for 2 seasons now. Our other half of the reality couple has decided to play kumbaya on the floor of a tent without the sunglasses, but no one recognizes her so it’s, okay…except of course for Jeff Fordham who is surprised that she’s good! It’s okay Jeff, pretty much everyone is. Jeff starts being nice to Layla and I think I speak for everyone when I say there’s absolutely a catch here, we just don’t know what it is yet. The fact that we don’t know is reason enough to celebrate because we’ve finally gotten an unpredictable story line, predictable in the sense that we know Jeff will screw Layla over, unpredictable in that we don’t know how. He continues to slobber all over her with that slimy snake grin of his, even playing the guitar for her, no singing though. Tease. Obviously Layla falls for this hook, line and sinker, mostly because she’s having a conversation with someone who hasn’t brought up how dumb she is once, so she sleeps with him of course.

While Layla is convinced that the grimiest guy in the music biz has changed, Zoey is still trying to claw her way to a record deal or any sort of recognition for anything that she does….she’d settle for just a purpose for being on this show. Gunnar puts the band back together to impress Sadie’s manager, who tells them they could be the next Lady A and Zoey hears this and you can actually see her start to drool. While she’s planning the fame, money and touring in her mind, she realizes that Gunnar isn’t as into it and he confesses he put the band back together so that he can trick her into being stepmommy Zoey again. Yikes. Zoey storms off and declares to Scarlett that she’s no longer wanted here (HOW DID IT TAKE THIS LONG FOR HER TO REALIZE?!)

Scarlett is pretty preoccupied because she has become homeless Terry’s manager, essentially, although she acts like more of a stage mom. She books a performance for him and then forces him into interviews and when he gets onstage we all wait for his breakdown, and boy does he deliver. Although it’s no Scarlett 2.0 cowering under a piano and screeching, it’s still weird. Terry runs through the crowd covering his face and hits the streets again, brown baggin it with his fellow homeless squad. Scarlett goes after him and he basically tells her everything we’ve all been thinking. Stop being a pussy bitch and get back on the stage to perform again. Fired up from Terry’s boozey words, and also realizing that Zoey peaced on the band, Scarlett slinks her way right in and Gunnar, Scarlett and Avery perform the song of the night! Besides the cheesetastic pans to Micah in the crowd singing along to his dad’s songs, this performance is the stuff. They ARE the next Lady A singing a song called “Borrow My Heart”, the crowd’s into it, and I couldn’t wait to see Zoey’s reaction. You’ve officially been erased from Nashville, gurl, baiiiiiii. The manager calls Gunnar after this sasstastic performance and twists the knife deeper saying that the band is even better with Scarlett. Oooh Burn. Zing. Zoey. Gunnar turns down the manager’s offer for that stupid kid who will now ruin the rest of his music career forever. Whatever, I got a taste of a good song and now all we can hope for is a Scarlett/Gunnar song in the near future now that Zoey is outta here. Good riddance.

And finally, separate from the music festival that everyone who’s anyone is at (we separate the olds from the youngs this week), it’s Christmas special time at Rayna’s (while Deacon sits in his house listening to Alanis Morisette with the lights out.) Hollywood has taken over Rayna’s house with their over the top Christmas decorations because girl will literally do anything for press now. The Rolling Stone mag comes out and Rayna puts on a show pretending that she didn’t say things the way they printed it, hey Rayna cut the shit, we all saw you sell your sexy Deacon story to cover up the mess of incest that is occurring with your sullen teenage daughter. She tries to catch Deacon before he gets his eyes on that tell-all but whoops too late, Deacon’s already read it 10 times and stained the pages with his tears and he’s avoiding her calls. Luke’s like hey Rayna why are you so obsessed with Deacon and this story and also would you like to shower with me? Rayna says a hard no. And we’re all like, hey Luke, it’s about time you clue in that you’re wedding will not ever actually happen and Rayna would rather have sex with Deacon. Rayna finally gets a chance to go to Deacon’s house and talk to him, giving us all false hope that she’ll slide right back into his arms but instead he declares his undying love for her and she tells him to move on because she CLEARLY has. Oh, have you, Rayna? Meanwhile, she complains the whole episode about how the cameras are always around and her family traditions are ruined and Luke reminds her that she did all this greedy shit to get more famous….Catch 22. #celebrityproblems. That pretty much sums up our time with Rayna/Deacon/Luke this week. Oh yeah, and Deacon tears a sticker of Rayna off his guitar case. It’s like ripping a band aid off–he’s over her now. Just kidding, he’s still obsessed with her and wanted to be dramats.

 

Random Highlights:

-Lexi, the PA, asking Rayna for an autograph and also assuring that she never works in Hollywood again. Props to Rayna for doing exactly what any celeb would do in that situation though, “what’s your  name again?”

-Rayna wears a stupid lacey pirate shirt for far longer than my eyes can handle in this episode.

-Scarlett is probably the ugliest cryer on this earth. Her crying is uglier than Kim Kardashian and that says everything.

-Ruke/Layna compare themselves to Johnny and June and then do a hideously awkward and cringeworthy rendition of Baby It’s Cold Outside with a slew of pre-song banter that gave me all the uncomfies. I’ve never wanted to unsee or unhear something any harder. But Happy Holidays, Ya’ll!

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“You’re Lookin’ At Country”

Nashville-Season-3

 

Here it is folks, the moment we’ve all been waiting for since the first preview 3 weeks ago and 1000 teasers in between …the fake but creepily realistic CMA’s. There were more than a few times that I had to literally tell myself that these are fictional country singers and that I already watched the real CMA’s. Everyone who is anyone is at the CMA’s, which of course means has-beens Scarlett and Deacon are watching from the couch. (To be fair Deacon was invited but he’s all about the music and not about the awards, or so he says, realistically he’s avoiding the Rayna show live.) And make no mistake about it, the CMA’s this year are ALL about Rayna, and we finally get to see the thread of Ruke/Layna’s sham of a relationship begin to unravel more and more…and it is glorious.

The couple doomed from the start, kicks off the CMA’s with Rayna stumbling upon Luke’s pre-nup which will be discussed ad nauseum when Rayna isn’t snatching up all the awards. Don’t worry Rayna, you won’t make it to the altar so there is no need to be concerned about the pre-nup, girl. She forgets about it for a little while when they sit front row at the CMA’s (I mean, obviously) and Rayna starts her winning streak, ya’ll. Award after award she thanks everyone but Luke and we get to see him lose his cool and hit the bottle. Jealousy’s not a good look on you, Luke. Her first thank you is to Deacon…then Liam–essentially she reads a list of all the musicians she’s banged, on live television. GIRL POWER. Luke reacts with some seriously bitchy eye rolls and refills his whiskey. Now this is an awards show where I was waiting on the edge of my seat to see the audience cam on Luke rather than Taylor Swift’s dance moves for a change. His jelly belly reactions were a show all by itself. Finally the CMA’s throw him a bone for his first win-with Rayna of course-for ball and chain. The worst song I’ve ever heard, if we’re being honest. Luke gets his time to act out and it is SO worth it. He grabs the mic, gives a sly backhanded thank you along the lines of, “Rayna should feel blessed and lucky that I chose her to duet with” and then big times her off the stage before she can thank the guy she lost her virginity to. This of course causes Rayna to follow Luke into the men’s room where they duke it out. Luke goes all mean girl and drops a truth bomb right in Ray’s grillpiece that the only reason Rayna got a gold record is because he proposed to her on the day she released it. BOOM. ROASTED. Sassy Luke is here to stay! Just kidding…he grovels immediately after the show and everything is AOK (wink, wink). Also because when Rayna wins Entertainer of the Year she is the mature, bigger person and after thanking her girls (I too, was thankful that they were absent, probably canoodling with their future stepbrothers) and shouting it out to women in country music, Rayna looks right at Luke and with a fake smile says “what’s mine is yours, I share this with you.” Take notes, ladies, because that’s how to deliver a burn. Say it with your eyes, not your words. Although the reporter asking Luke how he likes being Mr. Rayna James worked wonders as well. Here’s to hoping that the writers cut this Ruke/Layna shit soon because another few months of hearing the overuse of babe and I love you to soothe the tension in this relationship will be unbearable.

From one floundering couple to the next, we get to see the tried and true formula for Juliette and Avery’s story line of a problem leading to them almost getting back together again. At this rate they’ll be reuniting in no time. Juliette shows off her 12 months pregnant baby belly in her designer gown and we all get to relish the realism of this show. This is a real dramatic episode for Juliette as she keeps having druggie mama flashbacks and memories resurfacing of her trailer trash childhood. Avery shows us a different side when we meet his parents and soon learn that his dad is a real dick. This episode is about them trying to grasp that they might end up terrible parents because their examples sucked. We get to see Juliette as an 8 year old, red pumps wearing, hussy leaving a child at home and hittin the clubs, which was a real treat. In the end though, once Avery and Juliette share a touching baby moment, it’s a girl…Juliette peeked of course, they both decide that they’re going to be bomb ass parents and then Avery takes her home and unzips her dress and we have about one episode left until he gives in. Also I sincerely wish that they will stop making sexual innuendos between these two until after the birth because she is seriously huge, like Kim Kardashian orca status.

Although the CMA’s are the main focus of the night, the writers can’t help but stir up even more drama at the awards show by making Gunnar’s son go missing in an enclosed arena with a shit ton of security. The fresh parents get caught up in the glitz and glamour of Nashville’s biggest night and allow Micah to go to the bathroom by himself…which I think we all assumed he could handle considering he’s basically in middle school. Well the kid proved to be a moron and got lost looking for the bathroom and instead of just asking someone to lead him back to his dad’s seat..the guy was nominated for an award I think people would be able to figure out where he is…a big scene is created instead. In true Gunnar fashion, he immediately blames Zoey for losing the little runt and then promptly misses winning his first CMA while looking for him. Gunnar has completely lost his chill and basically files a missing persons report with the event policeman…he’s been gone for 10 minutes Gunnar, have you ever seen a cop show? Kid’s gotta be gone for 48 hours before you can report him missing, duhs. Finally when they find the little booger he demands to just go home. Kids literally ruin everything. Zoey realizes that as well and we get our most rewarding moment of the episode when she FINALLY breaks up with Gunnar because he treats her like the toilet paper that was probably stuck to Micah’s shoe. One dead end relationship down, one more to go.

My honorable mentions for side stories this week go out to Layla doing everything she can to shed the dumbass Jessica Simpson label. Reading a diss about herself straight from the teleprompter didn’t help her case so she rebounded with a quick fact about how she deferred Harvard. This led to someone remixing it for Youtube and easily being 100x more interesting and entertaining than her reality show or their lame duet performance. Screaming crowds of fan girls throwing their panties at Will was ironic at best during said performance– so it looks like we’re going to continue to keep him locked tightly in the closet for the foreseeable future. The writers attempted to give Sadie a storyline but it was so lame it deserved no more than 5 minutes of our time. She’s got an ex-boyfriend named Pete who wants a cut of her song about him. Yeah, yeah, go cry to Taylor Swift, Sadie, I’m sure she’s been there before. Yawn city. And unfortunately we see the return of Bachelor Teddy this week as he pursues his gutterslut call girl during the awards. Ugh.

Top Cringeworthy Moments:

-Gunnar combing his son’s hair before the awards like a mom.I half expected him to lick his finger and get a smudge off his face too.

-Bachelor Teddy making slimy comments about “pleasing his constituents” and then taking his hooker into the back room for a quickie. It was on the house…her treat.

-Whatever the people in post production did to create a very creepy life-like 8 year old Juliette with her present day face. I don’t know how it was done but it was suuuuper weird.

-Jeff Fordham approaching Zoey with a possible offer to join his women-hating record label and she lapped that shit right up.

We get another two week break from this debauchery, so please use it wisely. The next new episode will be Christmas and what looks like a realllyyyy cheesy Christmas carol duet with Ruke/Layna but if that text from Deacon was any indication, shit’s about to get real, real quick.
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Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“I’m Coming Home To You”

Nashville-Season-3

Welcome back, Nashies. Remember how they promoted the fake CMA’s tirelessly? Yeah we get another week of that apparently…they’re really milking this. Thanks for the tease, ABC. This episode starts out with a 2 months later time stamp. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that they did this JUST so they could show an actually IRL (in real life) pregnant Juliette Barnes/Hayden Panettiere and stop assuming their viewers are a bunch of dum dums who think she’s just gained some face weight. On the subject of Juliette, her and Avery have transitioned from hating each other to a bickering dysfunctional couple preparing for a baby. It seems each week we’re going to start with Avery delivering zingers to Juliette and slowly warming up to her by the end of the episode. (Until they’re inevitably back together, just in time for baby’s arrival). This week’s installment started with Juliette reminding Avery that they had sex to make this baby and him replying, “Well all we’re having now is a baby” in front of the super uncomfy doctor. Burn baby burn. But then slowly but surely Avery bought the top of the line crib (this baby will be a superstar after all) and agreed to lamaze classes at the end and–cue cliche baby moment– feels the baby kick. Also the Nashville twitter account took it upon themselves to refer to Nashville’s future Blue Ivy as “Javery’s” baby and I vomited all over the place. WHEN WILL IT END?!

Speaking of puke, in two months time, Gunnar, Zoey and Micah became a little domestic happy family of uncommon names, right down to father and son playing catch in the yard and stepmommy Zoey yelling out that dinner’s ready. We obviously soon learn that Zoey hates being a housewife and is still thirsty for fame, while boyfriend of the year Gunnar doesn’t think she’s mad about it because “she hasn’t complained”. It’s all in the eyes, Gunnar, all in the eyes. Micah’s actual mom wins mom of the year by immediately shoving her son off on Gunnar and Zoey in pursuit of a boyfriend. Let this be a lesson, don’t let your kids get in your way of your dreams. Quick observation: every time Gunnar hugs ANYONE, I expect to see Zoey peering out from around the corner with crazy eyes. These two (now three) have a bright future.

Another bright future coming our way is the new and improved Layla Grant. Apparently in her two month break she put down the mini bottles and decided to channel her anger into some new tunes. The debut of her quiet Bambi-like personality raised a few red flags with me that it was just a scheme but it seemed to hold up and she got out of her own way to write a decent song that everyone, including her closeted husband, was a little too surprised at. Yikes, Layla, even your friends thought you sucked. We got to see a peaceful Will and Layla for about half of the episode until they attend the premiere of their reality show “Love and Country”. Apparently dumb and dumber are the only two young people in America who don’t know how reality shows work. Reality shows are for showing excessive and unnecessary drama for ratings and this one really delivered. If it were a real show I’d totes watch it. Apparently we’re far removed enough from the Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica days to be completely copying it because they made Layla into Jessica Simpson 2.0. For the record, there was a laugh track to her trying to use a can opener (for chicken or tuna?) and I object. I know firsthand how hard can openers are to use, having broken every one I’ve ever touched and almost needing a tetanus shot last year after resorting to a butcher knife. I stand by Layla on this one. SHIT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

You know what else is impossible? Juggling the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and family bonding time. (Feel free to start giving me awards for these smooth transitions). Rayna pouts this episode that decisions are the woooorst as she chooses fame over QT. Dramatic sigh. A nosy reporter follows her around all weekend as she makes wedding plans with Luke and he finally shows some emotion–he’s horny, guys. There are about 4 instances when Luke brings it to our attention that they’ve been apart for a LOOOONGG time. Even an ode to long distance sex when he says Skype just isn’t the same. Finally Rayna gives him the sassy one-finger gesture (…the one moms give to their annoying kids to tell them to wait quietly) and Luke loses his SHIT. Uh, uh honey. He exclaims in the parking lot “WE HAVEN’T EVEN HELD HANDS!!” We get it Luke, you need to bone…stat. They probably would’ve gotten down to biz but they were sidetracked by finding their kids macking it in the dark on the couch, with reporter in tow. EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT, A-LIST INCEST. Calm down guys, Colt defends it, “we were just making out, it’s NBD.” We can clearly see why he’s so irresistible. Maddie’s obv going through a bad boy phase. Rayna sits Maddie down for an incest chat and then has to pimp out her history with Deacon to the Rolling Stone reporter just so that her twat of a daughter isn’t tabloid shamed. All is well with Ruke/Layna at the end as they slow dance and say wedding vows (this is the only time this will ever happen on the show so cherish it.)

Alright let’s wrap it up with the minor story lines of the week. The throwaways, if you will. Deacon had a cold, continued to talk about Rayna and finally kicked ole Pammy to the curb (hopefully for good). Scarlett and homeless friend with the voice of an angel, Terry, wrote music and decided to face their fears together by hitting the stage for a duet at the Bluebird obv. Also we learn that Terry’s whole family is dead, because of course. Bachelor Teddy and his frat bro buddy Jeff Fordham took a week off, probably in Vegas doing coke and banging strippers.

Things to look forward to:
-Deacon probably almost hitting the sauce again and some angry confrontations once that unauthorized tell-all hits the tabs.
-Better songs…this week we had four and they were pretty lackluster. Rayna’s straight up sucked, but she tried to distract by showing everything but nip in a sparkly dress on DWTS. Juliette’s has potential but it’s not fiery like I know she can be, Layla’s was bleh and Scarlett’s duet with Terry I could take or leave. NEED some fresh Scarlett & Gunnar tunes STAT.
-More of Nashville’s “dramatic statement+guitar riff leads to commercial break” formula. Turn it into a drinking game every time this happens, I dare you. I would’ve been hammy sammied if I drank every time it happened in last night’s epi.
-Sage. Now that we’ve seen Luke’s mystery child and I’m guessing Rayna has for the first time too –we need more. What’s Sage’s deal? Does she also make sick beats like her bad boy bro Colt?
-The implosion of Ruke/Layna at the CMA’s next week. *Insert guitar riff*
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Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap- “Nobody Said It Was Going to Be Easy”

Nashville-Season-3

If any of you still watch Nashville despite the bad story lines, hoping for a glimpse of good music, you’re in luck because I’ve decided to start recapping it weekly so that we can all laugh at it’s silliness together. If you haven’t seen the latest episode, or you’re planning on binge watching Nashville when it inevitably gets cancelled and shuffled to Netflix, all recaps WILL contain spoilers. Can we really call them spoilers if we already predicted they would happen though?

This week’s episode started off showing the rushing of a secretly pregnant Juliette to the hospital. As a quick side note, I’d like you to name ONE show with a pregnant character that doesn’t have the “You could lose the baby” moment. Answer: there are none. In fact there are some shows (I’m looking at you, One Tree Hill) that give every single pregnant character a miscarriage scare. Let’s maybe T it down with the almost killing babies for ratings, network TV. Anyway we later find out that Juliette has a complicated *but only because she’s a touring country superstar* rare blood disease. Naturally everything will be smooth sailing as long as she stops bopping around stage every night. Who would’ve thought?

After all that baby mama drama, we get to the real meat of the show, the CMA’s. This is Nashville, you know. Rayna sits down to watch the noms with her new bestie Sadie Stone. Has anyone else noticed that Rayna turns into a sorority girl when she’s with Sadie? Chill, girl, it’s unbecoming of Nashville’s number 1 star, and a mom of teenagers to have a case of the giggles around Sadie. Obviously Rayna and Luke get the most noms, Rayna’s mock surprise face deserves all of the Oscars. Also props to the writers for throwing in a nom for Taylor Swift two days after she released her first pop album, probably time to let that go. This sparks a little friendly competition between Ruke/Layna/Who Cares because they will obviously not get married. This also sparks some of the thirstiest cross promotion I have ever seen in a show. Were we watching Nashville or Good Morning America…or Dancing with the Stars? We get it ABC, you need more young viewers, please be less aggress about it. Speaking of cross promotion, Sara Evans makes a cameo on Luke’s stage and Luke is demoted to a backup singer. I was ALL for this. The song was great and helped erase my traumatic flashbacks to Luke’s TERRIBLE hillbilly serenade to Rayna a couple weeks ago. First great performance of the night.

The second great performance of the night was Deacon’s. After blondie backup singer (I’m not bothering to learn her name because she’ll be gone soon enough) got sassy with him and asked him to stop being country music’s Oscar the Grouch, he responded by turning a fancy party into a campfire sing-along. I loved the song and it was great to see Deacon end his surly teen phase that he undoubtedly picked up from Maddie. I could’ve absolutely done without blondie backup singer joining in trying to be the next Rayna inspiration. Here’s to hoping Deacon stops slumming it soon and actually gets a storyline besides longing for Rayna.

Speaking of characters with no story lines, let’s talk about Teddy for a second, shall we? Jeff Fordham’s protégé, if you will. Now that Teddy has added a little gel to his hair, he thinks he’s smooth. Bachelor Teddy, as I will call him from now on, should probably learn that chatting up escorts about his daughters is the opposite of smooth. Bachelor Teddy went from trying to be smooth to just giving me all the uncomfies when he made out with the escort poolside and then ended the night exchanging frat bro handshakes with Jeff. Thankfully the call from the cops about Maddie’s rager put a stop to this creepy bromance…for now. No update needed for Maddie, as she is still an insufferable teenager of celebrity parents.

And lastly, there’s Gunnar and the discovery that he’s now a father. REALLY preying on Zoey’s insecurities here aren’t we? Cut to shocked Zoey walking in on a family hug. Zoey and Gunnar are on the rocks because Zoey spies on him constantly so obviously let’s give him a secret child. Fist bump, Nashville writers. Things are about to get real emosh. with Gunnar bringing up his dead brother every 4 seconds, so let’s all mentally prepare for that impending breakdown.

Welp that pretty much sums it up, folks. Oh wait; Scarlett came back to Nashville to befriend a homeless man. Also Will & Layla are in the exact same place they were 6 episodes ago. Okay, that’s REALLY it now. Buckle down for a Nashville-free week coming up. Use your free time to imagine which character Rayna & Teddy’s new nanny will bang. My money’s on a Bachelor Teddy/Nanny tryst.

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