We clearly got too many dramatic episodes in a row and so this week’s installment was a filler and essentially nothing happened. It was college-themed and we watch as Yo, Kyle and Eileen send off their children to face the trials and tribulations of the freshman fifteen and showering in a dorm. Oh no wait; sorry when you’re rich you don’t have to deal with any of these things. Instead, you get set up in an apartment nicer than any establishment I will ever live in and get a weekly allowance for manicures. Ah to be in college again…

Keeping with the “lets air all of our parenting troubles” theme this week, Lisa dealt with her son Max dropping out of college and trying to be a freeloader. He tells his parents that he’s been driving without insurance or something and they get irrationally angry and tell him that they’re cutting him off until he gets his shit in order.

Brandi’s kids are still very young but she’s already starting to think about their college fund because they probably will never have one since her ex husband Eddie is demanding hundreds of thousands in child support. Apparently he’s not making as much as Brandi and wants a piece of that Housewives/Book/Podcast fortune…. which realistically he probably should get a cut of because she constantly talks shit about him in tell all books and on TV. Brandi just wants Eddie to be happy and start making money again so that he stops sending her spare change to support their kids. Honestly if Eddie watches the show he knows that Brandi ends up homeless every season and he should probs be more concerned for that. ANYWAY… Leanne and Eddie’s new show premieres and Brandi throws a viewing party to “see if her kids are in it.” In Beverly Hills, a viewing party is a gathering of sassy gay hairstylists and recovering alcoholics to say shitty things about your ex-husband’s mistress turned wife turned stepmommy for your kids. They talk about how ugly Leanne is and how Brandi is basically a character in their show based on how much she’s mentioned. Hmm, sounds familiar.

Rinna spends this week talking about how much she loves acting and will take any job she can get. And at this point I’ve typed this out for every week girl’s been on the show. We get it. Offer something else up for story line. She does a bunch of vocal exercises in the car and watching her motorboat those fake lips was nothing short of amazing. Rinna is playing herself in a movie that will literally never be seen and tries to explain how hard it is to play herself with her husband for money. Then she meets with Stella & Dot to host an affordable jewelry party for a bunch of women who wear a multitude of diamonds to their spin class.

Eileen grabs about 20 seconds of screen time as she says farewell to her stepson Duke who just graduated college. The most important takeaway from Eileen’s scene this week is that Duke is a smokeshow, and since he’s close enough to my age, I can get away with saying that. More Duke pls.

Speaking of beautiful people, Bella follows Gigi to NYC and Yo travels with her to get her settled into her high rise penthouse fit for an up and coming model. They talk about the DUI a lot and basically Yo keeps beating herself up and doesn’t want to leave Bella on the other side of the country for fear that she’s going to turn into a real lawbreaking asshole like Justin Bieber (pretty sure they run in the same circles, so it’s not an outrageous notion). Bella reassures her mother by writing an apology letter that is read aloud and there are tears and for juuuust a minute I swear it gets dusty in my room and I shed a tear as well. What can I say, when Yo cries, I cry.

And finally, the devotion of this episode is to Alexia going to college in Arizona and how Kyle is basically on suicide watch at her child leaving her for a few months. This is Alexia’s moment and her first time at college so naturally Kyle makes it all about herself. Kyle brags about having good grades and wanting to be a lawyer but she found acting instead, boohoo. As if listening to Kyle isn’t enough, we’re all forced to take a college tour of the University of Arizona with the whole family. These were painful enough when I had to do them myself and yet we must listen to facts about the weather in Arizona and the bike share program. I’ll keep those in mind should I ever decide to time travel back to being a freshman in college. The family goes to the vacation resort they’ll be staying at for the night and leave Alexia to attend her first sorority rush parties and get settled into her apartment. Obviously Alexia will struggle while away at college because her allowance for food, clothes, partying and getting a mani is a mere $450 a week. I literally have a full time job and don’t make this so that’s comforting. In case you forgot in a matter of 10 minutes, Kyle really wanted to be a lawyer and was smart and stuff…she would’ve been a REALLY good lawyer, guys. Also she wants Alexia to transfer to a school near home like Farrah did and there’s a whole lot of sobbing and finally the goodbyes are finished and it’s time for Kyle to crawl back to Beverly Hills and return to her miserable life because she will never be able to charter a private plane to see her daughter an hour away like EVER AGAIN.

And that concludes this week’s installment of Model/Actress parents who never went to college forcefully living vicariously through their kids’ lives. Next week- a possible physical altercation between Kyle and Brandi? Are we reverting back to game night slut pig calling and crutches stealing? FINGERS CROSSED.

This was an action-packed episode with lots of conflict, wine tossing, and Babyface. Yeah you heard me, recording artist, Babyface. But before we get right to another installment of Yolanda and David’s sing along with a side of dinner party, we need to discuss Brandi. My gurl Brandi used to be funny and inapprops with a hint of asshole but this season she’s just been full-on asshole and I’m really not loving it. This latest episode was the Brandi show and starts out with Brandi and Lisa lunching…yayyy more awkward stare-offs and high-pitched questions. Brandi pretty much handles the lunch like she didn’t do all that much wrong and then we’re all reminded that she literally slapped Ken and he hates her stinkin guts and Lisa says he’ll probably never forgive her. I never thought I’d side with the Ice Queen in this fight but Brandi essentially had no defense and was just talking in circles and was like k so we’re good? We can have fun again? Lisa told her to pick up the bill and she’d consider being civil then she ordered Cristal and filet mignon and probably bankrupted the fragile Brandi whose still paying off that house that she just warmed.

In the second segment of the Brandi show, Yolanda, Rinna, Brandi and Eileen gather for dinner and discuss heartwarming topics like Rinna’s husband being the same age as Brandi’s dad. Eileen then tells a love story about how her and her husband left their marriages to be together. Brandi fakely tells her thanks for sharing and being so brave and honest. Most importantly we are forced to endure far too many minutes with Eileen wearing a stupid straw bucket hat that I’m positive she borrowed from Ashley Olsen circa 1998 in Billboard Dad. Aren’t they in a nice restaurant? She finally takes her hat off and flips her hair, which unfortunately becomes the catalyst to Brandi’s latest antic. Brandi gets excited at Eileen being sassy and then tries to get her to reenact a scene from Days of our Lives and Eileen was like I’m NOT A TRAINED SEAL, I WON A G-D EMMY and Brandi throws a glass of wine on her because she wouldn’t perform. Everyone at the table is shocked and worst of all Eileen puts that straw hat back on, soon to be followed by blue sunglasses I assume but before she can Brandi defends herself by saying “I was going for a soap opera moment,” rather than just admitting she wanted to punish Eileen for being a home wrecker. Everyone at the table hates Brandi. Check, please.

The grand finale of the episode and another platform for Brandi to make everyone despise her is one of Yolanda’s infamous dinner parties where there is sure to be hearts on place card drama and a cringeworthy sing along with her creepy husband at the piano. Also Babyface. Yolanda hires her friend to plan the party but makes it very clear that she did not hire someone to plan the dinner party, cause they’re friends. Yolanda then goes for the total shock factor and does her own nails before the party, I mean it’s not like she’ll have a chance to ruin them. The guests begin to arrive and we get to the part of the night where I wish really hard that I had a glass of wine in my hand and turned this dinner party into a drinking game. The wine-throwing incident is re-told 6 times throughout the course of the evening. That’s not an exaggeration. I counted…and wished I were sipping. Eileen is treating Brandi like a Days superfan that sent her human hair and a ransom note in the mail. Brandi arrives and Eileen makes a big scene about it saying she feels weird and like she’s in high school while she acts like she is in high school. Yo tells Brandi that she’s in time out and Brandi’s like yeah, yeah yeah, Eileen let’s talk one on one. Eileen asks, “Did you leave the weirdo superfan at home?” Brandi fesses up to being a real jerk and gives Eileen a necklace as a peace offering because she has too many h8ers right now. Eileen’s like yeah you’re a creep but I accept your apology I guess. Kim rolls in wearing a leather top and her hair in mermaid curls looking like she’s about to hit the club. It’s almost like she knew Babyface was going to be there. Everyone showers her with compliments and she flips her hair all around and is like I KNOW, RIGHT?! Lisa calls Babyface, “Papaface”. Yo makes a toast where she slobbers all over David in front of everyone. The Emmy is toasted (second drinking game..Eileen’s Emmy is mentioned 4+times.) Yo also toasts the opening of Pump with a not so sly dig for the opening that no one was invited to. “Moving on,” she sneers.

Brandi didn’t get a toast for anything so she feels like it’s probably time to turn everyone’s attention back to her, which is normally Kyle’s job…hmm. David tells Brandi to stop flirting with Babyface because his wife is literally right next to him and she retaliates by saying his wife is beautiful but B-Face could’ve given her a bigger ring. Apparently in drunken Brandi world, if you don’t have a big diamond, it means your husband is cheating on you. Logical. S’mores are next in the second longest dinner party ever (first longest is obviously the one at Kyle’s with E-cig medium Allison). Yo adorably prances around the bonfire in her monochromatic outfit and everyone eats charred marshmallows. Brandi has turned real sloppy real quick and starts slobbering over the Days of Our Lives girls again. They sneak away from her right about the time she climbs into David’s lap and reconvene in the living room to talk shit about her and how sad her life is.

Finally we’ve arrived at the creepy sing along and not a moment too soon. This time Babyface is going to ad lib a sexy song and the topic that is given to him is “I love my life.” Digging real deep here for musical inspiration. David explains the rules of the game and apparently makes a finger gesture that Brandi shouts out looks like he’s finger banging and she asks if that can also be included in the original number that is about to be performed. Babyface proves to be the hugely talented star that he is by singing I love my life and I love finger banging over and over again while David tickles the ivories. The CREATIVITY IS THROUGH THE ROOF. Quick, give me a guitar and I’ll top this. David obviously forces everyone to riff off of this new chart-topper and silently judges all of their terrible singing voices. Everyone should be ashamed for being a part of this. Except for Eileen, because she has an Emmy. Oh and did you hear? Brandi threw wine on her. Drink.

I missed the first 20 minutes of this episode. And you know what? I’m not sorry. This episode was as boring as the rest of them have been. SPICE IT UP REAL QUICK BRAVO. Show a pulse. I’m assuming in the 20 minutes that I missed, Bella’s DWI was glossed over and Kyle bragged about how rich and luxurious her family is.

I tuned in just in time to catch Eileen in the dressing room getting ready for her appearance on the Young and the Restless. Another actress on Y&R is paid to sit and drool over Eileen asking her a million questions about her career and what she’s done in soap opera world. Eileen has not killed anyone yet in fake life, however she has raped a priest on Days of Our Lives. She didn’t need to remind me, as I watched it go down in real time. She got away with it for FAR too long if you ask me. Crazy Bitch. She then says she can’t really complain about her job because she gets paid to play pretend and make out with hot men in showers..she tries to complain about how awkward that is but it’s not convincing, or she’s not really a good actress.

We get a whole lot of Monty time this week (that’s Kim’s first husband, father of Brooke who is about to get married.) If you recall from a couple weeks ago when the sisters Richards went wedding dress shopping, Kim revealed that Monty has a whole lot of cancer and is essentially dying. It was a little rough to watch him subject himself to the stupidity that is this show knowing that about his health. Monty and Kim go get pedicures at a SUPER manly nail salon called “Hammers and Nails”. Apparently this is masculine enough for Monty and he’s real into the gab and nails sesh with Kim. Kim tells us she still loves the shit out of Monty but they were best friends and not lovers and got married way too young. She takes a crack at Monty that he robbed the cradle when he married her and then tells a nice story about how Monty disappears for weeks at a time and goes to Vegas and then Kim will come home one day and Monty is in her backyard lurking like a serial killer. He always comes back, that Monty. Kim also does a phenomenal scratchy voice impression of Monty. It’s no wonder she was once an actress.

Lisa—practically the only housewife who hasn’t dabbled in acting or modeling, is being rewarded with a star in Palm Springs this week because apparently her calling is being a voice for the gays. (I’m assuming this is referring to the gay club she built and manages.) Lisa invites some of her gay pals as well as Rinna out to Palm Springs to support her. She makes a point not to invite any of her “friends” because they’ll ruin the special occasion and probably accuse her of buying the honor. (Just throwing it out there, is there proof that she didn’t buy the star?) Anyway her motley crew has a nice group dinner in Palm Springs where she asks Rosia, their maid to join them at the table because Rosia is selfless or something. I’m seriously getting real sick of the Real Maids of Beverly Hills being a subplot every week. No matter how many times a housewife forces her maid into conversation or talks up how much they respect and love them there will always be one thing that happens to prove to everyone that they are the hired help and not actually their BFF’s. For instance, when a lovely conversation of Brazilian waxes and bushes develops at the dinner table, Lisa turns to Rosia and asks her to leave the room like she is a child up past her bedtime and the adults are talking now. Rosia is forced to put her earmuffs on and scurry along to do the dishes. Also a disappointment at this meal: Asian Kevin the sassy shi-shi Beverly Hills event planner is present and yet we don’t hear him speak once. What is the point of Ken making an appearance if he’s not going to be ridiculous entertainment and a contestant in one of my favorite games entitled “let’s see if his face moves.” There is discussion, however, of Max’s new girlfriend who is 15 years older and how much Lisa hates her and Rinna shrinks in her seat because this topic hits a little close to home for her relationship. One would think with the gaggle of friends that Lisa has, she would understand that age differences in marriage is a liiiiiittle touchy. See: her own marriage. Anywho…Max makes an appearance later on with said girlfriend in tow (but not on camera) and shows off a gnarls barkley mustache situation on his face.

At the star presenting ceremony later, everyone is wearing pink in honor of Lisa and she is announced at the red carpet, followed by a formal announcement for Giggy and then…..Ken. Lance Bass makes a cameo in efforts to keep interest level up in this show–it doesn’t really work. Lance makes the speech for Lisa and some saucy comments about his nipples showing and is a liar who tells lies when he says “She has quickly become one of America’s sweethearts.” I’m sorry…are we talking about the same Lisa? Did he confuse Rinna and the Ice Queen because there’s no way I would ever use the term America and sweetheart to describe Lisa Vanderpump. Her star is revealed and has so many titles on it that it’s impossible to believe it would fit on such a small slab. If your star on any walk of fame reads like a resume, you’re obviously not famous.

In the fabulous life of Kyle Richards, though not receiving a star, she probably should be winning the award for best sister because she CUT her European yacht vacation short to attend Brooke’s wedding. Naturally she will not let that slide without a few comments. In particular, she utters, “Kim gets to be the lucky sister…her daughter walks down the aisle first.” Dripping with jealousy. I wouldn’t have been the least bit shocked if she shouted SHE WON at the end. After exclaiming how incredibly tired her family is and how difficult it will be to attend this wedding after weeks laying on a yacht in the Mediterranean, Kyle musters enough energy to celebrate her homecoming with her dogs and gift them with Chanel food and water bowls because she couldn’t take them with her on vacation.

The wedding day has arrived and in addition to being tired, Kyle & Co. are also wildly unprepared, with Kyle calling Kim last minute to ask what everyone is supposed to wear. Seems like a thing that would’ve been discussed among family members before the actual wedding day but that’s neither here nor there. Kim is all sobs on the phone with Kyle as she reminisces on Brooke as a baby and then they talk about their parents who can’t be there. Kyle makes sure they get back to the important matter at hand, which is obviously should Mauricio wear a suit or not. Then Kyle gets ready with her brood and her daughter asks if she can have one of Kyle’s necklaces when she dies and Portia would like a top bun in her hair because she is the fashionista of all flower girls. Across the Hills, Kim gets her makeup and hair done then has a nice sit with Monty’s second wife and they have awkward forced conversation about when they first met in the 70’s or something. Monty arrives in tux and they talk more about how they can’t believe Brooke is getting married because it hasn’t been directly discussed enough and Monty says something along the lines of “Our moms are watching and stuff.” Say what you will about Monty but the man is extremely eloquent.

And finally the wedding is here and as the clock ticks we see that this episode’s plot was not the wedding itself, but Kim blubbering on about the wedding to anyone who will listen before it actually happens. The wedding takes place at Kathy Hilton’s house because OF COURSE. Kathy is the stand-in mom for Kim and Kyle during this event, according to Kyle. I was gleefully waiting for Kathy to tell Kim she looked like a pile of dogshit but unfortunately she was on her best behavior most likely forced to sign a gag order from Kim so the day could be perfect. Kim still has the wah-wahs and can’t pull her shit together moments before the wedding with her sisters surrounding her and they are just barely entertaining this sobfest. They look at her like they’re looking at a child trying to string a coherent sentence together and then Kim probably realizes that Kathy is telling her with her eyes to knock it off and the wedding begins. The groom’s name is THAYER and he dips Brooke for their first kiss getting way too caught up in the theatrics of their wedding being on a cable network. That’s literally all we see of the wedding and all you’ll ever need to know about it. Congrats on sitting through another terribly boring episode of women behaving and talking a lot about their family and maids. Tune in next week for a PROMISING group event at Kyle’s that could create some group friction and if it doesn’t, I officially give up, like Lance Bass clearly did when he agreed to appear on this show.