Winter Watch List

My seasonal sads have hit an all-time high. Bad news for me, great news for all of you because I’m about to download every piece of entertainment I’ve consumed in my several weeks of couch rotting. If you have a well-rounded work and social life, and therefore don’t have time to keep up with all of the streaming services releasing movies and series each week, I GOTCHU. I’ll give you a brief (as brief as I can be) description of each title and why you should or should not waste your time and then you can make your own decisions like a grown-up. I am simply the messenger. And the harshest of critics, obviously.

SKIP

Torching 2024: A Roast of the Year – Netflix

They let Roastmaster Jeff Ross gather up his gang of buddies and do a roast of the Year 2024 on Netflix. It was incredibly bad. Save yourself from this random collection of comedians making mid jokes about people we’re already tired of hearing about. Netflix tried to ride that Brady roast magic with like 1/4 of the talent, and it showed. Extra cringe for comedian Tim Dillon doing an entire bit as the dead healthcare CEO. You know, the one who was brutally murdered in broad daylight and everyone was like good for that babe soda who offed him, hope he gets away with it because his mugshot ate and left no crumbs. Our society is so f*cked.

Paris & Nicole: The Encore – Peacock

It pains my sweet, sweet, nostalgic millennial heart to declare this a fail but holy crap it was. I cannot even begin to describe what a canon event of my youth it was to watch Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton not only create reality TV, but interact with poors on camera. When I heard the promos that they were making a comeback as adults, I was foaming at the mouth to see what they’d cook up. Nothing. The answer is nothing. They did way too many episodes with 0 storyline. The “premise” was that they wanted to create an opera based on their made-up song Sanasa. Getting through this and not wanting to blow my brains out every time they sang Sanasa (9 million times) was honestly a Christmas miracle. Guess I’ll go back to getting my Hilton fix through Kathy driving around Bev Hills in a bucket hat to invite the ladies on a girls trip via suitcase.

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It Ends With Us – Netflix

If you’re wondering what the movie that has created the MOST controversy amongst its cast was like, the answer is a swift BAD. Would they have needed to make this much of a stink if this movie was actually good? Probs not. I’ll preface this review by saying I read both books, so I wasn’t going in blind to the story. If you’re not as well-read as me (you uncultured swine), you might possibly still be able to stomach this movie. But from someone who knew the story, this movie did not do it justice. Here are my biggest gripes: 1. As with most books turned into movies, they had no time to include all of the details. This felt like the story was set to Fast Forward. As a viewer, I had no time to process anything that was happening because we were just zooming through things that needed to simmer or be explained. I felt like half the movie was montages. 2. What the ACTUAL HELL WAS WARDROBE THINKING?! I have never in my life seen a more horrific collection of outfits than I did with Blake’s character Lily. Her hair was MASSIVE. Like comically big for a white woman. And for whatever reason (with no attachment to what her character was actually like) she dressed like a bag lady sponsored by Carhartt. She’d have on a crop and weird baggy pants and then drop an oversized men’s khaki Carhartt over the top. Each outfit was more horrific than the last and honestly I may never recover from what my eyes were subjected to.

Your Friend, Nate Bargatze – Netflix

Nate is one of my favorite comedians and I do give extra credit to comedians who consistently come up with funny, CLEAN material. This is his 4th special and gotta be honest, it fell kinda flat for me. Obviously there were still moments where I laughed, but I definitely remember laughing more in his other Netflix specials (and his one on Amazon.) Comedy is subjective, and as far as comedians go, Nate is a great pick for standups that are widely appreciated and family friendly, so I’ll leave it up to you if you want to check it out, but also maybe just hit them all up. Do a quadruple feature of Nate whenever you’re in need of the HaHa’s.

Carry On-Netflix

Ok so this movie wasn’t BAD, it was just too damn stressful for me. I don’t think my heart stopped racing until a full hour after it ended. So, not really the top pick for when you want to unwind after a stressful Christmas and just rot mindlessly on the couch. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Jason Bateman is the GOAT of using sarcasm perfectly even in a role where he’s basically a terrorist. My dude can make any character likeable. Other than that, we’ve got a real mod podge of kinda shitty actors rounding out the cast. Definitely lots of suspending belief in this high-paced thriller, but again, if you’d like to check if your ticker still works, give this one a go. Also, don’t watch if you already have anxiety about flying…cause this will FOR SURE ratchet that up another notch.

Laid – Peacock

This is a new original dark comedy series on Peacock and so far there’s just one season, 8 episodes. It’s one of those shows where the lead is messy and you’re supposed to root for her anyway. I didn’t. I wanted bad shit to keep happening to her narcissistic ass. The series follows Ruby as she quickly learns that her exes are all dying and her bestie teams up with her to find out why. Girl has a body count higher than Britani’s hair suggests. This joke will only land with viewers of Real Housewives of SLC, and yet I still needed to make it. It honestly got hard to watch someone who sucks so bad, somehow have landed that many men and continue to reel in even more hotties. Of course season 1 ended on a cliffhanger and for a second I debated getting sucked in whenever it eventually gets renewed. BUT NO. I will stand strong.

Girls Gone Wild: The Untold Story – Peacock

We all know what Girls Gone Wild is. Some of you pervs know better than others. This is a three part series breaking down the rise of Girls Gone Wild and the downfall of Joe Francis, who has been hiding out in Mexico for like 5 years now. I got excited when it declared that Joe Francis himself agreed to be interviewed for this doc, until in the first few minutes they shared that he only allowed audio recording and a few pictures. Um, why are we making visual content out of an audio interview? RELEASE IT AS A PODCAST, DUMMIES. I have very little patience for documentaries that don’t have anything for my eyes to consume. This happens a lot with true crime docs as they physically don’t have footage of what they’re talking about half the time and being forced to look at the same pictures, scenic shots, or even worse, REENACTMENTS is truly a punishment for viewers. They were able to add in interviews with other people and of course, a whole bunch of girlies flashing their blurred titties to cover the fact that they couldn’t show the man actually talking, but it definitely got irritating. I definitely don’t think this is must-watch material. If you’d like the quick and dirty summary of the message it’s this: Joe Francis is a piece of shit, and also a pathological liar. Pretty much all of the girls who participated in his porn were coerced to do so, and a very large sampling of them were underaged. He traumatized too many women to count and also believes he is in fact, the victim.

Sweethearts – Max

I fell for this one. It was the ole bait & switch trailer. I laughed a few times at the trailer and it seemed like this was a story about two besties ditching their high school partners for each other. About 30 minutes into this flick, I realized I was sold a bag of shit and that’s not at all what the movie was about and also it was terribly unfunny. It was a cross between a movie that takes place all in one night with a bunch of stupid hijinks that derail them (not at all what was advertised) and like a heavy “it’s ok to be gay” coming out storyline with a character that was briefly in the trailer. Total bomb. Which is a bummer because y’all know how I like a teen flick. Two thumbs down.

Martha – Netflix

We’re going back to Oct for this one, and I did actually enjoy it, but I also felt like it was kind of boring. For people who aren’t used to watching docs or aren’t actually interested in Martha Stewart’s story, this can definitely be skipped. I grew up in prison-era Martha and that’s why I found it interesting. I never knew how she got started and it was very cool to see that she was literally being an influencer in the 90’s. Homegirl paved the way for these lil hoochies selling a lifestyle on Instagram. I also am always fascinated by people who can evolve their careers like she did post-scandal. Her attending Bieber’s roast and having a whole second life of her career with Snoop Dogg was kind of a happy accident. She didn’t realize that roasts poke fun at the roasters as well and kind of went in blind and still killed it. Then she got a contact high from Snoop and became besties with him. Martha is a dry, monotone icon and naturally she created this doc so there wasn’t going to be anything scandalous revealed as she’s still going to tell her story as if it was perfectly perfect. Also, we may never know if she actually got an illegal stock tip but I’m choosing to believe she was framed because she was like the richest woman in biz at that time and everyone was foaming at the mouth to see her fall.

WATCH

Shrinking Season 2 – Apple TV

Shrinking dropped season 2 this fall and if you’re not already watching it, get on board and catch up. It’s about a bunch of therapists and their group of friends who are all nuts in their own lovable ways. There’s a million things I love about this show, so I’m going to list some of them. It normalizes therapy, teaching some of the common practices that therapists use, showing great communication, while at the same time shining the light that therapists are JUST as messy as their patients. It’s a phenomenal model of unconditional love and accepting people for who they are, while also lovingly pushing them to be better people. It has that thing that I’m ALWAYS jealous of in shows where a circle of best friends becomes family because I’ve certainly never had that happen in real life, so I enjoy watching it green with envy. It dives into the complexity of grief and all of the different ways people cope with losing someone. And lastly, it’s equal parts funny and gut-wrenching. After finishing season 2 in one day (mostly because I’m cheap and refused to get Apple again so I just used a free weekend to catch up on this gem) I can honestly say I cried just as much as I laughed. And I think each character made me do both. That’s range, baby. And I’m putting it out into the universe that I want a Derek.

Missing You – Netflix

Netflix’s latest adaptation of a Harlan Coben novel, these series are very watch, rinse, repeat detective dramas. I mean, they even use the same British ambiguously hot and mysterious actor in each series. So I’d like to get ahead of the haters and say that the quality of this one is pretty subpar, think Lifetime movie on Netflix, but for me, personally, it scratched my lil thriller itch. Each time I go to the library I take out a chick lit book where two friends fake a marriage and fall in love, and a book with a dark cover titled some variation of The Woman Upstairs. I think you get my point, I like a little trash here and there and this was intriguing enough that I finished it in one sitting. Shocking, I know. If you’d like to watch a detective find out who killed her cop dad while simultaneously trying to solve a couple missing persons cases, and also don’t get squeamish at people literally being held as prisoners in horse stalls on a creepy farm, then you will also whip through this bad boy.

No Good Deed – Netflix

A fun mixture of comedy and whodunnit, this one surprised me. Once you get past all of the weird artistic ‘through the pipes’ shots that they keep shoving down your throats, I guess to unsettle the viewer, you can enjoy this multi-story shitshow. This is a loaded cast and it was fun to bounce around to all the different storylines and see how they all intersected in the end. 8 episodes long, it unravels a family trauma that occurred to main couple Paul and Lydia as they put their house on the market and a bunch of other couples sniff around trying to buy it. Another show that had me both tearing up and giggling. We love an emotional rollercoaster. s/o to Linda Cardellini for putting a clinic on shoving her rock hard boobs into every situation in this show.

I’m Tim – Netflix

Spoiler alert: world famous DJ and producer Avicii died in 2018. So please go into this doc knowing that it does not have a happy ending. Unfortunately, he joined the 28 club and although it’s not the main focus of the story they told, he did struggle with addiction and in the end took his own life. Now I’m going to make this doc about me, as I’m known to do. I was there for the rise of Avicii and boy was it a magical time. His music was upbeat catchy electronic pop and coincided perfectly with my college partying years. Although I was VERY fuzzy on the deets at the time, Levels got big around my junior year of college and you couldn’t go to a party or a bar without that song bringing the house down. I went to an actual rave called the Barstool Blackout, and took the term blackout quite literally, but I still know that I moshed my face off in a sea of neon to the beat dropping on Levels. It looked kinda like this.

Ok, now for everyone over the age of 35, here’s why this was a cool doc: it explains a genre of music that I’ve never understood. People who mix sounds or make beats and tour as DJ’s is a real lost art to me. I’m super judgmental and I’m not afraid to admit I’ve scoffed at people getting paid tons of money to push buttons on a laptop. This doc had a TON of behind the scenes footage of Avicii working and it turns out he was a legit musical genius. It showed how he created a song and then when his sound evolved to include more live music and collaborations, you got to see him working with some of the biggest names in music and everyone was blown away by his talent. He was one of those freaks who could just picture songs in his head and know what worked and what made music sound good. And that for me, was very interesting to watch. So even if you’re a DJ hater like me, if you like music and are intrigued by the process of making music, watch Avicii get in the lab and COOK. Now excuse me while I smash play on my Avicii spotify playlist and relive my glory days of Jersey turnpikin at the clerb.

English Teacher – FX/Hulu

There have been a few wacky series through the years about teachers, one of them literally being called teachers, and I eat that shit up. People who spend every day with children? Friggin saints. So I very much appreciate any series that shows the sarcastic, wild side of teachers. Bonus points for portraying teachers around my age making fun of the youths these days and their stupid phrases. Anyway, the show follows openly gay Evan and his group of teacher besties in Texas. Sure, political stuff gets addressed but in an entertaining and fun way. My favorite part has nothing to do with the show at all but I’ll enlighten all of you TikTok virgins on the lore. Brian Jordan Alvarez is the creator & lead of the show and in order to promote it in the fall, he did one stupid TikTok dance trend that’s actually audio from Gilmore Girls, and then he kept doing it. And then never stopped. For literally every day since this show hit Hulu, Brian Jordan Alvarez has been doing the “I love your daughter” dance and people (me included) watch every single one. All the girlies wish he was straight every time he lifts that leg for “good lovin daily.” (There are currently 82 of these videos, which could make for a real wild Friday night for a single gal. I’m not here to judge. You’re welcome.)

@brianjordanalvarez
Stream English Teacher on Hulu
♬ afilmbykirk – ꫂ ၴႅၴ

Glitter and Greed: The Lisa Frank Documentary – Amazon Prime

This is for my fellow 90’s girlies who Lisa Frank’s rainbow dolphins and leopards had an absolute chokehold over. Not to spoil it but Lisa Frank is a total dick. Only watch this 4 part doc if you’re willing to let your childhood crumble before your very eyes. Lisa refused to participate, and from what it sounds like, she’ll probably end up suing whoever made this because that’s her favorite pastime. Sure, every doc has a bias and you take all the information presented with a grain of salt (I never do, I believe whatever viewpoint is presented to me) but when you have your own son saying how awful you are, as well as all of your former employees and also some people you’ve bankrupted as business partners? Probs true. Should’ve realized what kind of monster ran our childhood back in 2021 when my sister and I discovered the Lisa Frank website is still up and running and sells subpar merch at high end designer prices. Also, not for nothing, but people who refuse to be photographed are shady as hell. BIG RED FLAG.

https://x.com/TheSaltyJu/status/1414770014822060034

The Comeback: 2004 Boston Red Sox – Netflix

Also going back to the fall for this one but I loved this doc. I’m not a Red Sox fan and I was a fairweather Yankee fan throughout my childhood because, Jeets, duh. Once he retired it was like who even cares if I can’t peep Cap’s thicc baseball booty getting into a nice squat to scoop up a grounder. Obv I was aware of the Red Sox curse and big Yanks/Sox rivalry and I did live in Boston for a brief period of time, but I wasn’t locked in during their comeback and I definitely didn’t know deets. So this was all brand new information for me and I got to watch it on the edge of my seat. The Sox had some real characters on the ’04 team and I loved hearing their accounts, PLUS watching a bunch of grown baseball players pointedly throw balls at each other and literally have full-on brawls on the field was epic. God, baseball has gotten so soft. I can say that because I’m such a hardcore baseball fan now. Anyway, if you enjoy romanticizing the game of baseball, this was an awesome representation of a real Cinderella story. Kinda lame as shit that neither A-Rod or Jeets were willing to participate because hearing their loser point of views would’ve been AWESOME.

Juror # 2 – Max

Right at the buzzer, banged this one out last night. A juror is on trial for a murder and realizes he actually was the one who killed the girl in a hit and run that he swore was a deer. This is a Clint Eastwood flick, so you know it’s legit and also will that man ever stop working?! HE IS 94 YEARS OLD. Damn. Anyway, it was a good story and shows you all of the dualities of people and a real moral struggle of doing the right thing or doing the easy thing by tossing a guy with a neck tattoo in the slammer for a crime he def didn’t commit. Anytime I watch any sort of fictional jury sitch, it further confirms that putting 12 strangers in a room together to decide someone’s fate is legit a socially anxious girlie’s NIGHTMARE. They always end up coming at each other and if I’m ever called for jury duty (I just knocked wood that they’ll never pin me down) I will definitely crap my pants.

Mr. McMahon – Netflix

Listen, if there’s a 90’s pop culture doc, I’m gonna get all up IN IT. I’m a female, and was raised in a house where the female ratio was 4:1 so I think it’s clear I never saw a damn second of WWF/WWE growing up. On the other hand, I dated a boy (humblebrag) who was raised in a house where the male ratio was 6:1 and he used to regale me with tales of clearing out the living room and suplexing the shit out of his brothers. So I definitely understand the influence of wrestling in our younger years, but I missed the boat on learning about it because I was raised on Mister Rogers and that clown doing stretches on The Big Comfy Couch. That’s why I try to watch catch docs on former wrestlers and was very intrigued to see what the man who created it all had to say for himself. Well, shocking to no one, a white man with lots of power and money who built an entire empire, was, indeed, problematic (to say the least.)

Before this documentary was even released, Vince finally got forced out of the WWE because of all the assault lawsuits he had been collecting through the years. Since he’s interviewed and involved with this doc, that topic is heavily hinted at, but it’s not a big takedown, per say. It’s SUPER long, so don’t commit unless you’re a fiend for gossip like I am, but as someone who never knew the WWE world, I found it incredibly fascinating. The characters, the storylines, the SHIT THEY GOT AWAY WITH PUTTING ON TELEVISION. I mean, people literally died in the arena and then they just continued with the show. Vince’s family were all involved and the horrifying storylines they played out for entertainment, my God would a therapist have a field day with this fam. I couldn’t look away. And the attitude era?! Shit, the 90’s were cool.

My Old Ass – Amazon Prime

This movie hit me right in the feels and I am not ashamed to say I cried. Probably a little too hard, but proud to reveal that I cry less often now so letting it rip in the sad part of a movie is so emotionally mature of me, honestly. On Elliott’s 18th birthday, she gets super high and manages to meet her 39 year old self, who then becomes her guide to her last summer at home before moving away for college. To get ahead of it, I’ve famously shit on movies that rely heavily on drug/hallucination scenes. I’m not a fan of watching other people trip balls, and I especially hate it when they show us what they’re seeing and I’m just a regular square sitting on my couch watching a screen full of distorted voices and colors. I don’t do drugs for a reason, don’t make me enter an alternate reality with none of the good feelings. Now that I’ve gotten that gripe out, I will say there’s minimal tripping scenes, and one of them is pure Justin Bieber comedy, so it was tastefully done. They obviously just needed a vehicle to bring together future and present without making it seem like Disney magic.

The message of this movie is deep as hell and I urge everyone to give it a whirl. It’s the age old question of if you could, would you want to go back in time and do things differently? We always see our younger selves as being dumb and naive, but the way this story spun that theory and made you think maybe having those qualities are what makes us able to be free and fearless and live life to the fullest was so precious to watch. See? Poetic. And I didn’t even have to eat shrooms to get all that out of this movie. This movie was a great reminder to cherish time with people you love and live in the moment. It also made me feel less sad about still being single because future Elliott was 39 and still didn’t have a mans! If I visited younger Ju in a Four Loko drunken haze at Marist College, I’d tell her to do everything exactly the same because I’m a famous writer now. Hey, I heard that! Being published on the internet makes you famous, duh. 🙄

Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2024 Edition

I’m nothing if not transparent with you and although up until this point I’ve vehemently enforced the ‘no Christmas movies or decorations before Thanksgiving’ code of conduct, this is the year that I caved. I decorated and started movie binging November 24th. To be fair, Thanksgiving was late this year. But also Netflix dropped 3 new Christmas movies in mid-November and that shit STRESSES ME OUT. I hate seeing tweets and press tours about a movie that I’m not ready to watch yet. So, Christmas came early this year. I will say, the tree went up after Thanksgiving like it always does and I will leave it up until there’s a sea of pine needles on the carpet because DAMNIT THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR IN THE WINTER. Anyway, I noticed no one else got into the Christmas original flick game this year so my sister and I curated from Netflix, Hallmark & Lifetime (hotties only) and I feel good about the *much smaller* selection. So without further adieu…

Meet Me Next Christmas – Netflix

Layla spends Christmas Eve in a bougie airport lounge trying to make it to the Pentatonix Christmas Eve concert with her boyf. She meets James and they share earbuds and therefore a spark so they make a deal to not exchange any info but meet up at next years’ Pentatonix Christmas concert if she’s ditched whatever boyfriend we’re about to grow to hate by then. And then wouldn’t you know 4 seconds later, she walks in on him cheating. That was fast! Now she’s gotta get to the concert to meet her soulmate but color me shocked, this was the one year she didn’t buy tickets and it’s sold out! Obviously she enlists the help of some sort of concierge service that was giving real weird elf vibes and it took me far too long to realize there was no Santa-related magic in this movie and they’re all just normal people living in reality (somewhat.) Layla and Teddy (her concierge) fall in love on the journey and credit to Pentatonix’s agent, but they basically got a movie made centered around them. The a cappella singers that make Christmas their bitch and then go into hibernation for the rest of the year end up playing matchmaker behind the scenes to get these two to their concert. Things we love: a completely unrelated and out of place choreography scene…y’all know I die for a 2000’s era dance movie, and as always, a real down and dirty mack sesh halfway through the movie. MAMA DON’T LIKE TO WAIT FOR THE KISSY KISSY. The movie was fun and entertaining and as a girlie that loves this group harmonizing the shit out of Christmas songs, I appreciated a Pentatonix slobberfest. HOW-EV-ER, the ending was so over the top proclamation of public love it pretty much ruined the rest of the movie. I mean, “The universe falls away when we kiss” was a real piece of dialogue. Ok bitches, you met a day ago. Pump the brakes. BUT I’ll take a free Pentatonix concert any chance I can get cause I bet those tickets are outrageously priced like everything else in NYC at Christmas time. They even cashed in on a single with the same name. GET YO BREAD, GANG! Feel free to smash play while you read the rest.

Hot Frosty – Netflix

Obviously you go into a movie about a snowman coming to life and a woman being desp enough to fall in love with him knowing exactly what you’re going to get. And might I be so bold to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this one. In fact, I liked it WAY better than the Magic Mike Netflix movie that I’m about to eviscerate next. Do I think this is the hottest guy they could’ve cast in a beefy snowman come to life lead? Nah, not even close. This guy’s hair isn’t doing him any favors. But his body is most certainly a specimen and I guess that’s all that matters as we open on him beebopping around town fully nude. Call me a simple gal, but it worked. I was hooked. Could’ve done without the heavy-handed OMG HE’S HOT gags like when he asks a horny old bird who crashes her car staring at his veiny bulging shirtless frame, “want me to get behind you and push?” Don’t insult our intelligence.

I got so caught up in talking about bulges that I didn’t give you a quick and dirty plot rundown. Kathy (horrible name for anyone under the age of 50, if you want to keep Queen of Christmas Movies Lacey in biz, give her better character names) runs a diner and basically is living like a homeless person because as we come to find out, her husband died of cancer and was a handyman. I get that grief is unique for everyone but not having heat in your house that is also flooding from roof leaks, seems extreme. She puts a “magic scarf” around a snowman and poof, HE REAL. Jack (Frost, duh) learns how to be a human by watching TV in Kathy’s house and hiding from the police because he broke a window to steal clothes so he didn’t keep swinging his perfectly sculptured (I assume) ice dick around town. He sees how much Kathy is struggling and learns how to be the perfect boyf who fixes the roof, makes dinner, and does a TikTok dance with tweens at their holiday soiree. There’s a lot of quirky town characters, and an all-time great moment when everything is revealed and Kathy says “You all just buy that he’s a snowman?” And someone replies. “It’s Christmas.” Ope, ok. What I certainly did not see coming was a VERY dramatic ending, which spoiler alert – did turn happy and I teared up…like a lot. Which just goes to show how mentally unstable and lonely I am during the holidays.

PS Doing the Pretty Woman closing fingers in the jewelry box scene? Who do you think you are?

The Merry Gentlemen – Netflix

Buckle up, because I HATED this movie. If you spent your teen years in Tree Hill, you fell into one of two camps. You were a Lucas girlie or a Nathan girlie but you most certainly were never swooning over both Scott brothers. Since every teen show these days seems to only have one plotline and it is brothers sharing the same girl, I’ll let you in a little secret: the Scott brothers did it first with Peyton. Shocking to no one, I liked a bad boy turned good. Nathan 4 LYFE. So, that means I’m kinda eh to Chad Michael Murray. Even though he’s playing a different role, I still see squinty dramatic Lucas whining about how he loves Peyton but she won’t even give him a chance. Now that I’ve sufficiently ranted about a 20 year old show, let’s dive into this movie where they even named him Luke. TOO CLOSE! Ashley gets fired from her gig dancing in a rockettes’ type role in “the big city” and moves back home to find out her parents club is going belly up. Luke has been helping them repair their money pit. Ashley has the bright idea to create a male stripper holiday dance show to bring in the crowds and ooh baby it’s a hit! Never underestimate the horniness of single women.

For this one, I feel like it would be most efficient to air my complaints in list format.

Ashley’s wig is Bella Swan in Eclipse bad.
Netflix loves to show characters in their movies watching other characters in other Netflix movies. We get it, you own the streaming space. Stop being so obsessed with yourselves, it’s getting weird.
Ashley eats a cookie like an absolute disaster. Frosting up to her hairline from basically pie-ing herself in the face with a sweet treat.
All of these men learned how to dance basically immediately. There was no trial nor tribulation from “here’s the choreography” to full-blown Darryn’s Dance Grooves.
You mean to tell me that this tiny town in the middle of nowhere with a fake hallmark name like Sycamore Creek is just soaking wet with ripped men?
I get it, we love an inclusive moment, but there’s a reason Dallas was gross and creepy in Magic Mike and no one wanted to watch him dance. He was out of the target age demo. I almost screamed when we suddenly had an old guy tap in to the on-stage topless gyrations. In fact, I texted my sister in outrage: “NO THEY PUT AN OLD GUY IN?! I’m gonna puke. Why am I watching a geriatric striptease?”
Their first kiss goes from good to bad real quick. These two were fish mouthing each other like I’ve never seen before.
Really trying to get sentimental and deep for a movie where the men are gyrating with their shirts off 98% of the time.

So, as you can see, there should be no confusion as to why this movie is a real suckfest. They had all the opportunity in the world to pop some lady boners AND make us giggle and they failed SO miserably.

Our Little Secret – Netflix

We start out real hot with a suuuuper cringey public dumping mid-proposal and I was nervous for the rest to unfold. The good news is this flick is full of heavy hitters and the big budget shows. Our girl LiLo is HAVING a moment and GOOD FOR HER. For someone who was a real hot mess in her twenties she sure spun that shit right around and is literally glowing these days. So anyway, Avery goes to meet her boyf’s family for the first time and finds out that her boyf’s sister brought home Logan to meet the fam and these two were HS sweethearts who haven’t spoken in a decade. They decide to act like they don’t know each other yet still help each other navigate this bonkers family. Super fun movie. It has drama, secrets, goofy characters and quippy dialogue. 10/10 No Notes. Just kidding. It’s me. Of course I have notes. Logan’s got a real case of the crazy eyes and that is understandably hard to watch / picture myself having sex with, which is how I commit to every love interest in a rom com, so I find myself having a hard time getting on board with him. BUT there’s so many other things going on and the writing is good so I still approve even though I wouldn’t personally want to bang the lead. (Says the girl who just talked about wanting to bang the snowman lead and also cried when he turned human, so take it with a grain of salt.)

Christmas in the Spotlight – Lifetime

We’ve officially embarrassed ourselves as a society because now we’re making Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce fan-fic in made-for-TV movies. There’s no going back. Look what you made them do, Taylor. Obviously, a Lifetime movie ripping from the popstar-NFL player love story is not sanctioned by either camp and therefore no direct references could be made, but they still managed to shove this script full of bad Swiftie references as Easter eggs, or moments that made my eyes drop from my skull and roll down the hall. (Uncle Gonzo can’t come to the phone right now, why? Cause he’s dead! The alchemy. You think you’re Wonderland. Why they gotta be so mean. An attempt to mimic a TS lyric friendship bracelet but really it just said “nigsss”…no one thought that was concerning? Really?)

Bowyn is a popstar that’s supposed to be Taylor Swift but she’s lookin more like a Tate McRae hooch, and Gonzo (these names are so, SO bad) is an NFL player whose brother plays on the same team and his niece is a SUPER fan of Bowyn. They have a meet and greet moment where Gonzo takes the lowest angle selfie after fumbling his phone. That might be the least believable part. You think a girl’s gonna call you after you give her a double chin in a selfie? UH UH, HONAY. But she does, and they start dating casj in secret, making out on private jets as one does. As you might predict, a movie trying to be Taylor and Travis with no actual facts behind it is super cringe. That being said, my sister and I ATE IT UP. Not fans of do-do bird Travis Kelce, we chose to believe that Gonzo was actually modeled after Gronk, which is a much worthier character we can get behind. Plus, it never hurts when a movie delivers a first date make out and a gratuitous shirtless scene because of a lil wine dribble. If you want to keep it spicy, drink every time they use a puzzle piece metaphor. LET’S FRICKIN GO!!!!

Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story – Hallmark

Before I started this movie, I genuinely thought it was a call and response of the same exact Tay/Trav love story, one sanctioned by the Kelce’s (Hallmark) and one not (Lifetime.) Then the opening scenes were about a family obsessed with the Kansas City Chiefs and I was like oh, it’s not even about Taylor, it’s about the Chiefs, WHO EVEN CARES?! Are people seriously this hard up for this stupid team that we needed to give them more money and free advertising through a branded movie? And don’t even GET ME STARTED on Mama Kelce. Talk about someone stretching those damn five minutes. If anyone is surprised (no one is) Donna Kelce is the worst actress on this planet and her entire role in the movie, which goes on for far too long, is to just walk by and read poorly written lines with not a hint of emotion.

ANYWAY, Alana’s parents met by sitting in the same row as season ticket holders for KCC, so this entire family’s whole lives revolve around a football team. In a super weird and aggressive way. Derrick works for the Chiefs but doesn’t know anything about them, tell me how you get a job in marketing at the NFL being like I don’t really care that much for this team, so when he has to interview BIGGEST FAN candidates and ends up with Alana’s wacky ass family, he’s like mmk, psychos. They have a dramatic story about a lucky hat and not to spoil the ending, but in what felt like hour 9 of hearing about the lucky hat as if it was its own character I typed this sentence into my phone, “I cannot hear this family wax poetic about a knit cap for one more GD second.” In much more exciting news, I nearly fell off my chair when I heard Derrick speak for the first time in some odd talking out of the side of his mouth Elvis accent that miraculously had disappeared without a trace by the first commercial break. I ranted about his stupid voice for far too long, then I looked back on Christmas movie blogs past to remind myself when I published/how many movies I watched and ripped this same actor a new a*hole for talking so slow and seeming like he wasn’t firing on all cylinders during one of his movies last year. So **NOTE TO SELF** this guy talks like a moron and I need to stop having Hallmark amnesia and remember it each year. Although, honestly is kinda fun to get freshly outraged like this is the first time I’ve seen him mumble in a southern/western/brain injury drawl.

PS Every time they walk by Santa they give him money–like $5-20–and do I need to quit my job and just walk around an affluent city with a bucket dressed as the big guy? Santa’s bout to build a beach house with their donations…I gotta get in on that.

Twas the Date Before Christmas – Hallmark

Jessie goes on a bunch of bad online dates and lies about having a new boyfriend for Christmas so her family doesn’t cancel the festivities. Brian’s a smelly loser without plans and therefore replies to Jessie’s chaotic plea on her dating profile to bring a blind date to her family’s Christmas Eve affairs. As someone who did MANY dalliances with dating apps, it’s next level psychotic behavior to message one night and then meet up the next for a family holiday. Pre-crime. Even hopping off the app and exchanging numbers was a big ole to-do, so some surface banter followed by acting as a couple at Christmas and you’re just ASKING to be a skin suit. The notion of that was almost as terrifying as a family of adults that does a Christmas Olympics every year. Honestly, this entire movie is full of red flags but in the spirit of Christmas, we’ll play along that this is how soulmates find each other, by being strangers and still going full-send into wrapping and baking competitions. There’s your typical “big bad corporate guy tries to shut down the small biz” storyline sprinkled in with some widower grief. And you MAY have guessed it, but Christmas Olympics continues on, hearts are warmed, and businesses are saved. The silver lining of this movie was Robert Buckley, who is the most adorable and lovable leading man with a sense of humor, right up until he sneaks up behind his leading lady and whispers, “hey Jessie, I’m having a lot of fun.” And for that reason, I’m out. What a creep move! Also, Jessie’s entire family comes out to watch them kiss at the end like a bunch of peepers. RUN, DUDE!!!

The Finnish Line – Hallmark

I LOVED this movie! Sure, its bad writing and cheesy dubbs coups storylines are ever-present…I mean it is Hallmark after all, what’d you expect? Oscar-winning performances? BUT…HUSKIES!!!! As long as I’ve been recapping these dirt movies (10 years, nbd but HBD), there has not been a Christmas movie about sled racing and I was LOCKED IN. Wish I could say the same for my partial Husky of a pooch. One would think she’d hear the calls of her brethren and watch as intently as I did. At one point, she turned to look at the screen and I got so excited that I’d finally picked a matinee with something for each of us. Then she dropped her head and faced away from the TV for the rest of the movie. Tough crowd.

Whatever, it’s not like I waited with my camera out for the moment she would howl at the screen trying to communicate with her wolf pack. Not only did I enjoy peeking into the world of international dog sledding, but each year I see Christmas in a new country and I want to beat it to that country immeds. Last year was Scotland, this year is Finland. I might die if I don’t get to celebrate Christmas in the snow-blanketed town where Santa Clause is from with a floofy Siberian husky curled up next to me. Alright enough about me, let’s talk about Anya whose dad was a famous sled racer who lost against a scary old guy who plays dirty and then met his future bride and retired to Arizona. Cut to her losing both parents and deciding to avenge her dad’s loss and beat the butthole who nearly killed him. Cole is a former racer turned reporter with a heart of gold, obv. We get to root for sassy Anya to win the damn thing AND two love stories just casually playing out under the Northern Lights. The only poor visual in the whole movie was the very obviously green screen cold plunge that Anya and Cole partake in, but it was a great opportunity to see our male lead shirtless and we never argue that. My only ice to pick (get it?! ice pick!) is that it says it’s -11 degrees and they don’t even attempt to make them look like they’re in the cold. Everyone’s wearing light jackets and no hats. No one acts cold. NEGATIVE ELEVEN DEGREES. YOU CANNOT EVEN FUNCTION IN THAT WEATHER. And yet this crew is kickin it at an ice bar (inside an igloo) like they’re sitting around the pool. Also, my last note, would’ve LOVED a scene with one of the humans talking to the dog and the husky howling in return. That’s the greatest thing about huskies, they basically talk back to you. Missed opp to highlight that adorable quality. Ok that’s it, bye.

A Carpenter Christmas Romance – Lifetime

Sorry folks, but I felt like it was more important for me to deliver this HIGHLY anticipated blog than wait another weekend for this last one to premiere. Each year I struggle with the fact that holiday movies come out earlier and premiere right up until Christmas. Knowing that no one cares to spend Christmas Day reading my thoughts on the crop of new movies, I always try to get it out earlier but I don’t want to release it TOO early and miss the later ones. These are the struggles I must live with. It’s my Christmas cross to bear. Realistically, I write these for myself because I live for roasting cheesy holiday movies and I’m a diehard for a tradition. Either way, when making this year’s list my sister introduced this flick as “this year’s A Cowboy Christmas Romance.” If you need refreshing, it’s the last movie I recapped last year. TLDR: it’s a festive themed harlequin novel. They give us a swoony muscle man and last year they dropped the first ever sex scene in a Lifetime Christmas movie. I can’t confirm that this will also have a romp in the barn, but ONE CAN ONLY HOPE. Obviously my DVR is already set. It was set the moment I saw the definition in those ‘ceps. Those are lady-lifting arms right there, baby!

Yea, yea, yea, I know. I need a boyfriend. Guess I better hope for a White Christmas so I can start building a chiseled snowman and let the holiday magic do its thang. Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!

JUice

Weekly JUice – Oct 4, 2024

1. A Montana Boyz Heartbreak.

I was going to blab about these two a few weeks back when I nearly cringed out of my skin listening to them interact and talk about their sex life on a “truth or drink” podcast episode. The universe gave me a second chance to pop off because after 7 months, they are DUNZO. It was laugh out loud funny back in the spring when Kristin debuted her new relashe with a fresh outta college TikTok star. It was even funnier when every time Kristin opened her mouth on her pod (I’m an avid listener, obv) she was slobbering all over how hot this man is. Take another look at the photo above. This guy is a Frankenstein double. The girth of his head and surface area of his forehead gives Julia Stiles a run for her money. I imagine this is why he’s typically wearing a giant hat, trying desperately to cover up that five head. What’s certainly not doing him any favors is his mullet. Not just any ole mullet, but a mullet with blonde highlights…

I’m sorry but Kristin is a smokeshow. She’s in her late thirties and she looks better than ever. I couldn’t for a second fathom why she was dating this block head who rose to TikTok stardom from LIP SYNCING country songs. Nope, that’s it. That’s what made him and his boyz go viral. They stand in a line and rotate mouthing the words. I really wanted to be in the camp of supporters that were like GOOD FOR HER! DATE A YOUNG HOTTIE AND HAVE SOME FUN! Except that her ex-husband was a million times hotter than this chooch. So I waited. I waited while she gushed over how he’s different than other guys because he’s not threatened by her job. And he gets her flowers. And he tells her she’s really pretty. (Gotta know what creatures Kristin has been dating that telling her she’s pretty means marriage material.) I waited while they seemed to cross the threshold of “should I have more kids for this guy who is still pretty much a kid himself?” And then the last straw was their podcast together where he barely uttered full sentences but one of them was “you’re the best sex I’ve ever had.” And she replied “omg I am?! you’ve never told me that!!” BABE HE’S 24. THAT IS NOT A LOT TO COMPARE TO.

Rumors hit the tabs on Friday that they split, but I wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth and I didn’t have to wait long because she let it slip at a live show Friday night and then told everyone to keep it quiet until her podcast episode dropped Tuesday with the news. YA right. TikTok LIT up with clips. I made her pod appt TV Tuesday morning… I mean, I literally watched it on YouTube frothing for the goss. And of course, there wasn’t any. She had nothing but nice things to say about this big ooga booga dum dum kid from Montana. She said he was the best boyfriend she ever had, best relationship she’s ever been in, has zero regrets, but ultimately the age difference was just not going to work long-term. For any girlies who watched The Idea of You, it was that without the popstar aspect. She realized she’d be ruining his life by keeping him so she released him back into the world to be a kid who just graduated from college and makes TikTok videos and not a stepdad and a purse holder of a successful woman nearing her forties. And who knows, maybe just like that movie (spoiler alert) this little puppy comes crawling back after he’s done plowing through all the single chicks in Nashville and is ready to settle down. But I’m guessing Kristin will be snatched up pretty soon. I’m just glad she came to her senses and shut it down. As for the Montana Boyz, they’ll start filming a reality show soon so get ready for these dummies to hit the big screen–something literally none of us ever asked for.

@montana.boyz
Head in a mess!! #fyp #montanaboyz
♬ One Number Away – Luke Combs

2. Grandpa Slim.

You’ve gotta have a heart of stone not to tear up at this. Eminem, big ole tough guy rapper, has always been a softie for his daughter. Pretty cool for someone from his background with the issues he’s had to have a kid at 23, raise her to be a normal human and still have a great relationship with her. He’s still putting out new music and hasn’t retired from the rap game yet and now he’s going to be Grandpa Slim. More importantly, he was already embracing the style of a geriatric prior to his daughter even getting preggers so he should slide into this role seamlessly if he keeps putting these honkers on his face in order to see words.

3. Ellen Didn’t Enjoy Being Cancelled.

Not fresh news, but what can I say it’s a slow week. Ellen made her “comeback” with a Netflix comedy special where she addresses getting cancelled and disappearing for a few years. I have never ONE TIME wondered what Ellen was up to in the past few years or wondered what she had to say. Truly. My mom was a big Ellen stan back in her heyday. Used to dance with her in the kitchen. Thought she was hysterical. Then started to fall off because you can only be obsessed with a white woman dancing over her coffee table for so many years before the schtick is old. Back in my college intern days, I heard many fellow slaves tell me that they’ve either experienced firsthand or heard through the Hollywood grapevine that Ellen’s a huge dick and sucks to work for. And obviously that was her downfall. She was investigated and the court of public opinion said GTFO of here, ya meanie! There’s nothing I hate more than a fake bitch and someone who built an entire empire on kindness actually being a total f*cking twat deserves to lose said career. Which of course, she didn’t. She’s still getting paid probably the big bucks to do a special and she’ll continue to wah-wah about this. Her special addresses the therapy she had to go through because everyone hated her. And yet her special doesn’t address AN APOLOGY. Any ownership. Really any sort of recognition that she does indeed suck, and was terrible to her employees and actually isn’t really a nice person at all. So how about we NOT reward this bad behavior and lazy, shitty jokes, and let her fade back into oblivion. She had her moment. It’s time to say bye bye to Ellen. Step over that coffee table and dance right off the stage, beb.

4. Everybody Wants This.

Everyone’s all about the new Netflix Rom-Com Series “Nobody Wants This” and it’s worth the hype. Kristen Bell and Adam Brody are drumming up all of the millennial nostalgia (really mostly Adam Brody) with a funny, emotionally mature take on a love story. Quick synopsis: Joanne and her sister Morgan have a podcast about their dating/sex life that I wish was a real life pod because these two are hysterical togets but obviously never funnier than my sister and I are…and Noah is a rabbi. Noah and Joanne have a meet-cute at a mutual friend’s dinner party and the rest of the series follows their courtship in 10 half-hour episodes that really fly by. They face the possibility of head Jew and a non-Jew being together with all of the side storylines and quirks of their families and friends sprinkled in. It’s adorbs and most importantly, it’s the most emotionally available (what’s that like?) male lead I’ve ever seen. It should come as no shock that the boy who made Seth Cohen a nerdy, sarcastic 2000’s heartthrob, grew up to be a hot funny rabbi who can handle some tough feelings talks.

Girls everywhere (me) are pining to date this fictional character, even if we don’t know how old he is. (That’s my only gripe with this show…they don’t speak of age but Kristen and Adam are clearly in their forties, and LOOK like they’re in their forties, and yet I think they’re supposed to be playing early thirties…real stretch here. Not even botox can make us believe that.) But seriously though, this moment below in itself (spoiler alert but actually not really a spoiler because there’s no context at all to it) is better than porn for girls. For any girl who’s ever been told she’s too much (me, me, me, me, me) this character and the hope that he exists in the real world and not just in a script will heal you.

5. YA GOTTA BELIEVE!

The New York Metropolitans are in the NLDS for the first time since 2015 and the week I finally snagged a glam shot with the Mrs. (and partied with the whole gang) was the week they turned their entire season around and started winning like nobody’s biz. Coincidence? I think not. You may be wondering, ok but how does this count as celebrity news and to that I say, HOW DARE YOU NOT CONSIDER MRS. MET A CELEBRITY?! You better hope Mr. Met didn’t hear you besmirching her good name so he doesn’t have to go all Will Smith and tell you to keep his wife’s name OUTCHA MOUTH. Sorry not sorry, I’m PUMPED. I’ve been watching hype videos since the dubb last night and I’m ready to run through a brick wall and also salsa my face off to OMG! PS my lifelong diehard Mets fan of an ex-boyf declared the season was over in May, refusing to watch games for an entire month and therefore he does not deserve to celebrate this sweet, sweet victory of a team that literally will not quit and keeps coming back for more. In May I said, it’s only May, don’t be so dramatic. AND GUESS WHO WAS RIGHT. Apparently some of us lack the full spectrum of human emotions and therefore just don’t know how to BELIEVE. CUE THE MOTHAFUCKIN MUSIC! (Sorry for cursing, dad, but let me have this one cause I’m FIRED ALL THE WAY UP.)

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2023 Edition

The past few years have been so overwhelming with networks boasting MORE NEW ORIGINAL CHRISTMAS MOVIES than EVER BEFORE that I’ve set a date around Thanksgiving, preferably when I’m in the office, to curate a list. I don’t have time to watch every single piece of beloved holiday trash that Lifetime and Hallmark create, so instead I open the TV Guide lists in one tab, and Google images in another tab to gauge attractiveness of the leads. It’s a foolproof method, or so I thought, until I went to DVR two of the flicks on my list and realized they were from last year. You had ONE job, TV Guide. Get your shit together. So my apologies to all my diehards who rely on my list to narrow their focus for including a couple of gently-used movies. It won’t happen again. Next year I’ll be double checking dates while I assess if the guy is hot enough to commit to watching. Now that I’ve owned up to my mistake, here’s my official list that I was working off of this year (but of course strayed because my TV was basically showing movies everyday for a month.)

ExMas – Freevee (aka Amazon Prime)

This was hands down my favorite newbie this season and it has everything to do with the fact that I’m obsessed with Robbie Amell. He’s sarcastic and a total babe soda and if you haven’t watched beloved teen comedy The DUFF, you’re doing yourself a Robbie disservice. Anywho, exes Graham and Allie run into each other when Graham’s Christmas-obsessed fam thinks he can’t make it home for the holidays so they extend the invite to Allie who had no one to celebrate with. Obviously the result was Graham betting Allie that his family will kick her out by Christmas and them trying to sabotage each other. We all know every great movie starts with a bet. I was only ten minutes into watching this bad boy and I laughed out loud. Unironically! I think this is a Christmas movie first! It was fun to watch the war of the exes and even more fun when we get a bang, bang. bangity bang. (Spoiler alert, but also this is why more non-cable networks should be in the Christmas movie game, GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!) Will my top two movies both include sex scenes? Affirmative. Will that be the reason they’re my top two? I’ll never tell. Honorable mention to Graham’s awkward sister who quickly became my favorite character for her commentary.

A Merry Scottish Christmas – Hallmark

Brad and Lindsey are overworked sibs who don’t speak much anymore but their mom summons them to Scotland for Christmas. This is where they learn that their mom was actually supposed to be a Duchess but she ran away to America and if they want to be royals and take over the castle they can. Sick Christmas gift. Visually this movie is stunning. In fact, if I don’t spend at least one Christmas in a castle, I’ll KMS. The scenery is kinda the only saving grace to an otherwise pretty boring movie. I also hate to be the one to point this out if you didn’t notice it while watching, but I don’t buy these two as brother and sister. It was giving big-time we’re supposed to be playing siblings but we’re giving off romantic chemistry vibes. At one point Brad makes a life decision with his wife and Lindsey is like WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER. So maybe she wants to marry her brother? Just sayin, it did cross my mind. Honorable mention to the mom who grew up Scottish royalty but has a British accent as an adult even though she’s lived in America since she was 20. If there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s pointing out bullshit accents in low-budge movies. And of course, can’t forget to mention the nod to Party of Five (where Scott and Lacey played siblings who didn’t want to bang each other) by naming the bar they went to “Salinger Pub.”

Christmas Plus One – Lifetime (last year)

Speaking of weird sibling relationships. I wanted to relate to these sisters who are besties but then they showed their tradition of making Christmas wishes in matching jammies as adults and both of them wished to meet their soulmate and God, that’s insufferable. Amy meets her “soulmate” and is planning a Christmas wedding, and en route to that wedding, Cara thinks she meets her “soulmate” (please note that I’m putting this in quotes to reiterate the fact that soulmates do not exist IRL, just in RomComLand.) But oopsie, Cara loses his number and then spends the rest of the movie trying to find this guy again but enlists the help of another guy and yup, you guessed it, she found ANOTHER “soulmate”! This movie wasn’t awful but I will note that they leaned WAY too hard into the almost kiss AND just missing each other as she searched for the stranger she decided she should marry based on their love for Christmas. Lifetime LOVES an interrupted kiss but putting both almost kisses and almost run-ins together was incredibly annoying I basically spent the whole movie screaming JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.

Planes, Trains, and Christmas Trees – Lifetime (last year)

This bitch is so high strung with a stick up her ass that I truly couldn’t watch more than 5 mins of her squawking about making it home in a snowstorm for work. A rare instance, but sometimes they’re just so unwatchable that you can’t commit to the bit, especially when you don’t have anyone with you to turn it into a drinking game. #SorryNotSorry

Christmas Island – Hallmark

Andrew Walker is a fan favorite, so I was glad my sister had DVR’ed this pre-Thanksgiving movie so we could dive in together with a garlic asiago dip. I was even more glad when we turned this abomination off. The kids were more a part of the storyline than we originally anticipated and as you might remember, we don’t do kid-heavy Hallies. If you’re wondering what this movie was about look no further than my sister’s observation five minutes in: “The premise of this movie is fucking weird, they’re going to hold these people hostage on Christmas Island?” They sure are!

Never Been Chris’d – Hallmark

After cutting Christmas Island short, we landed on this gem about high school besties who fight over their crush as grown women and folks, this is our sweet spot. Especially because the almighty Chris Silver that these two bozos have been obsessed with since they were teens seems like he’s a little slow. There’s something not clicking upstairs for Chris and yet that doesn’t stop him from having women slobber all over him. Guess that’s what it’s like to be a man! (My sister did eventually confirm that this is just how this specific actor talks, and he’s not playing someone struggling with a brain injury.) As this entire high school gathers in their hometown at the holidays we’re treated with a CRINGEWORTHY scene where a group of former “popular” kids play Never Have I Ever-Christmas Cookie Edition where they all just relive how cool they were in high school, which obviously makes them giant losers as grown-ups. I don’t think this movie was trying to give off a peaked in high school vibe, but it reeeaallyyyy did. After a few too many group dates, one including a kiss (apparently Chris Silver is The Bachelor), Liz and Naomi play rock, paper, scissors for who will marry Chris Silver. Just kidding, Liz bows out gracefully and Naomi declares he’s the one after a tongue-less smooch. Merry CHRISmas!

Catch Me If You Claus – Hallmark

Avery Quinn is trying to be promoted to a news anchor and Santa is apparently in his thirties now. In the spirit of transparency, this movie took such a weird left turn that I also ditched it before the end. It started out normal then had like a crime storyline and suddenly it became a holiday heist movie and that’s really not what I’m signing up for when I pour myself a tall glass of wine to watch people fall in love at Christmas. Also Santa shouldn’t be my age. BYE BYE.

Christmas in Notting Hill – Hallmark

Georgia is a teacher in the US visiting her sister who lives in London and also happens to date the brother of a famous footballer, Graham. But before they find out their sibs are together, the romance between G-squared sparks with a classic slamming into each other at a Christmas market and he’s like come to mine and she’s like yeah why not go to a strange man’s house in a foreign country like the movie Taken never happened! Obviously it didn’t end in abduction, it ended like every girlie who grew up wanting David Beckham to be their boyfriend wished for, which is why I have a soft spot for this incredibly cheese-tastic movie. Somethin about dating an athlete (I guess Taylor Swift is rubbing off on us all) and London at Christmas made me put up with a whole lot of garbage. For example, when the sisters do a choreographed dance to a DAVID ARCHULETA version of “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” like that isn’t the biggest diss to THE YEAR OF THE N*SYNC COMEBACK. Or when their dad shouts every piece of dialogue because he thinks that’s what acting is. Or when homegirl wears a beret for practically the entire movie. There were LENGTHY pop culture references from Gilmore Girls to Ted Lasso and none of them made any sense. If you wanted to spice up your viewing of this movie, you could play a drinking game where you drink every time the girl who only brought one suitcase to London wears a different fancy coat (pssst, you might die.) But the cherry on top is when production went for the ole “full sheets of computer paper” blizzard. And YET I still loved it!

Laughing All The Way – Lifetime

My initial interest in this movie was 1000% based on needing to see how the most painfully unfunny network on TV tackles a movie centered around stand-up comedy. My expectations were rock bottom and Lifetime still managed to do EVEN worse than I imagined. Stick to serial killers and holiday romance, guys. Aubrey is a jokewriter for an insufferable old bat who is supposed to be a club owner and comedian but isn’t funny at all (you’ll notice a theme here.) It’s almost like someone watched Hacks and was like let’s take this idea, make it the opposite of funny and add Christmas into the mix! Mike Baxter is supposedly a big comedian who is coming back to his hometown to get in touch with his comedy roots again because he’s gotten too mainstream and Hollywood wants him for action movies and not stand-up specials. I think that’s what makes this movie steaming hot garbage, is that this supposed famous comedian comes back to coach this chick and somehow start doing a comedy duo when NEITHER OF THEM ARE FUNNY. I’ve gotten more laughs from an off-handed comment at the dog park and these two are performing material they’ve been writing for the entire length of the movie. The BIG finale set from Aubrey is just one run-on joke about asking for health insurance for Christmas. BLOW MY BRAINS OUT! If I sound enraged, please know that I am. Even my mom had one eye shut halfway to snoozeytown and goes “this movie blows” and she was not wrong. Check it out if you want to hear a bunch of people tell each other they’re the funniest person ever without anyone actually being fUnNnY. Or… if you want to see a guy try 90’s Adam Sandler jokey songs in the Year of our Lord 2023. I wish I could scrub this scene and the whole entire movie from my memory immediately. But mostly this scene.

Haul out the Holly: Lit Up – Hallmark

In a rare and special occurence, a subpar holiday movie from last year got a sequel! Leave it up to Hallmark’s reigning queen (since CCB trotted on over to Great American Family) to lead two movies this year, one being a sequel. If you’ll recall from last year Emily moves back to her wacky family’s neighborhood where they take Christmas so seriously, citations are given out for not having the correct sized nutcracker and her childhood friend Jared is the king of giving out citations. They fall in love despite the fact that this guy turned out to be a real loser, and now they BOTH foam at the mouth over Christmas. A little too much if you ask me. It started off a little culty with one telling the other, “I don’t feel like you’re prioritizing Christmas enough.” Then an annoying YouTube family the Jolly Johnson’s move to town and give me a headache within seconds. A war begins between the neighborhood vets and the newcomers about how Christmas should be celebrated, and the she-Johnson has such a punchable face and a shrill voice that I almost ripped my TV off of the stand and boomeranged it into the floor several times. I think the only reason I kept watching (and didn’t destroy my television) was because Wes can GET IT in those glasses.

A Cowboy Christmas Romance – Lifetime

We’re making history here as this marks the first cable TV Christmas movie to have an actual sex scene!!! What did we do to deserve this?! Oh yeah, suffered through THOUSANDS of shitty movies where the leads have an almost kiss 900 times and then close out with a dry peck as the fireworks finish. I’ve been Christmas cockblocked for too long and I’m thrilled to usher in this change. Next year all the movies better include penetration or WE RIOT! Anyway, this flick kicks off with Lexi spewing some real estate jargon about millennials which is a scooch triggering for me right now as I’ll never be able to afford a home and will rent until I’m six feet under. THANKS A LOT, BIDEN. I didn’t stay bitter for long because at the 12 minute mark we got a full blown makeout and Lexi didn’t even know his name yet. SCANDAL. For some context, Lexi traveled back to her hometown to get Coby Mason (such a hot cowboy name) to sell his family ranch. But the twist is that Lexi’s family owns every other ranch and she hasn’t spoken to them in a decade. There’s just as much family drama as there is romance but the romance in this movie is SEX-AY. The cowboy lays it on THICK talking about horses like foreplay then the “lets get it on” scene is everything I could’ve hoped and dreamed. These were the exact notes I took in the moment: “THE LIFT ON THE TABLE FOR A MAKEOUT HELL YEA! SEX IN A BARN. HOT COWBOY ABS.” Honestly this was a heartwarming family tale but all I will remember is the barn sex. 10/10 recommend.

Holiday in the Vineyards – Netflix

Carter’s a rich spoiled asshole with vineyard money and Valentina is a widowed real estate agent selling a shitty vineyard in a town where everyone makes wine in their garage. It was a real change of pace to see someone other than this man’s wife playing his love interest on Netflix but I gotta be honest that was just about the only thing that made this movie different from A California Christmas (1 & 2.) But if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, we love a countryside wine soaked Christmas with a side of gratuitous abs.

I normally hate a side couple storyline but Moe the hardware store owner/sommelier and Cindy the LaToya Jackson lookin’ white friend were fun and I was here for it. Even when she said “I did not always put the sin in Cindy,” I wrote it down in case my mom needs a Real Housewives tagline should Andy Cohen ever expand to Syracuse. My favorite part of this movie that I devoured the same night it was released to Netflix was the delicious Latin dance scene that had me feeling all sorts of nostalgia for an early 2000’s dance chick flick. It was like Step Up: Garage Vineyard and I was HERE FOR IT.

Sealed with a List – Hallmark

Carley is a NERD bomber who lives with a 70 year old woman who’s cooler than her. She’s made a list of things to accomplish before the new year and waits until Thanksgiving to enlist her entitled douche of a boss, Wyatt, to help her be cool/check everything off the list. Good fucking luck with making this chick cool, homeslice. In return, she’s supposed to help him be less of a rich douche. I started out hating this movie REAL strong but it actually grew on me and by the end I was rooting for this wannabe fashion designer who dressed and spoke like a little boy to get through her list and get her mans by the time her balls, I mean the ball, dropped. Probably helps that I L-O-V-E a list and seeing items get a satisfying checkmark makes me cream my jeans. Honorable mention to Carley’s BFF who moves to Italy for a year and comes back doing a SHITTY Italian accent and saying Bongiorno like the a*hole who studies abroad and makes it their entire personality.

The Holiday Proposal Plan (Lifetime)

What a DOOOOOOZY this one was. I am, of course, referring exclusively to the male lead’s most unfortunate hairstyle. I haven’t seen lettuce this bad since that demon from Supercuts hacked mine with a rusty machete in 2019, #NeverForget. I genuinely gasped when he entered stage left and then spent the next 10 mins photographing it from all angles so you really understand just how tragic this deep side part and floppy bang is.

BAD. This hurts my soul. In fact, I almost shut this movie off JUST because I was so triggered by this rooster coif. Then there was a moment of hope when he put on a winter hat and his attractiveness soared just by covering the male Snooki poof. I got all hot and bothered only to be immediately dosed in cold water when he plucked the hat off of his head and put it on his lady’s as a flirting technique. PUT IT BACK ON, GOOD SIR.

Anyway, if you must know, this movie is about BFF’s, one a travel writer and the other a broadcaster who have combined their “talents” to create a travel show. They’re mega annoying together, and blondie Brie is one of the worst actresses I’ve ever seen on this network and that’s saying a lot. Her boyfriend wants to put her and her over-emphasizing words on ice but they’ve both bought rings for each other. So best friend Sunny decides to force a proposal for a couple that are taking a break for the holiday and also write about it for personal gain at work. Her ex boyfriend Kip with the hardest side part in history who dumped her last Christmas because she chose work over visiting his family is along for the ride to help scheme this proposal. We hit a real low when the gang starts singing, if that’s what we can call it. WHY MUST WE WEDGE CAROLING INTO EVERY G-D MOVIE?! Not even Sunny and her Christina Aguilera riffs could save this group singalong. Honorable mention goes to Traveling Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum workshopping a new show name and landing on “Gals Gone Global: The Wild Wild West Coast Edition.” Really rolls off the tongue.

Flipping For Christmas (Hallmark)

Ending on a high note so you don’t have nightmares about the previous hairline. Abby visits her family for Christmas and her sister tricks her into flipping a house that was left by dead grandpa Frank with his contractor Bo. ObViOuSLy Abby’s motive is to sell the house for profit and Bo wants to turn it into a B&B for the town. It’s a classic tightwad corporate woman vs. townie salt of the earth guy. That doesn’t stop these two from living out an HGTV wet dream, complete with a flirty paint fight where Bo is wearing the shit out of a set of pink coveralls. Barbie who?! He is KENough.

While we’re on the topic of Bo being a total dimpled beefcake, he also casj donned a cable-knit sweater that made me swoon my face off.

Alright, now that I’ve cleaned my slobber up, I promise that in addition to a male lead that’s gunning for sexiest Christmas movie cream sweater (reigning champ is Dylan McDermott in Miracle on 34th Street and that seems pretty obvious) this movie has an actual storyline. There’s something for everyone! Lots of deep meaningful talks about loss and letting life happen instead of being psycho control freaks, AND sexually frustrated flirty banter between two hot people. Plus, an adorbs town full of Christmas traditions…a Hally staple. The only downside to this movie (or upside if you drink every time it happens) is Abby’s sister who delivers each and every line with a side of bugging her eyes completely out of her skull. It is jarring to say the least.

Merry Christmas fellow trashy movie lovers! See you here next year–same time, same place to dissect the high brow (attractive ppl only) made-for-TV holiday cinema.

Television

Fall 2023 Netflix Round-Up

Sometimes I go on a real hot streak of consuming every piece of content that hits Netflix. Ever the charitable blogger, I’m happy to share with anyone who actually has a life, what you absolutely don’t need to waste your time binging. It also feels vital to point out that even though I may SEEM like a giant smelly loser who watches TV all the time, I happen to work from home 3 days a week and I do my best work from the couch, duh. It’s called MULTITASKING, ever heard of it?

*Even though I’m mouthy as hell, I will not include any spoilers so you can decide just based on my strong opinions if you should watch, as my opinions are definitely more important than your own.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Season 1: 10 episodes | Season 2: 10 episodes (50 mins)

Kicking off this list by including a show I actually watched over the summer. Sue me. For anyone who ever texts me for reccies (or asks me what she should watch every weekend, lookin at you mom) sometimes I forget about a show if it’s not currently new. So that’s why I wanted to shove this one in your faces. It came out last year and there are 2 seasons available and a third on the way. Based on the book/movie/true life story(?) genuinely don’t know if this is based on a true story but that feels right. Hot shot lawyer Mickey Haller is known for always driving around/working out of his Lincoln and this series follows his high profile cases and his juicy love life. This show has got it AWL. Everyone in it is hot, ESPECIALLY Neve Campbell who legit hasn’t aged a day lookin like a damn snack, it has crime, mystery, family storylines, cliffhangers, drama, comedy, and of course romance. Whatcha waiting for?! Check it out, yo!

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

Another kind of “old” one, this came out a while back and I added it to my list because I knew I had too many different cities of housewives on my plate to be able to give it my undivided attention. I finally watched it last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed this tour of Whitney’s greatest hits. Honestly, I never knew much about Whitney’s background/personal life other than her being a super sweaty crack addict with Bobby Brown because that’s what was happening in my formative years. I missed her glory days in the early 90’s because I was an infant and not yet consuming pop culture. So color me surprised when this movie starts with Whitney and her bestie Robyn gettin HoT & HeAvY. I knew they were rumored to have dated at one point but I didn’t know they lived together and then when Whitney got her record deal she was like let’s just be BFF’s, no scissoring now. And that was it. Robyn just stepped down as her girlfriend and worked for her for like 20 years. WHAT A HERO. That is the true definition of a bigger person. Gets dumped so Whitney can look like a hetero to the press and have kids one day and homegirl still stands by her. Anyway, that’s not really a spoiler because the movie spends like 10 minutes on this but clearly that was the biggest takeaway for me, Robyn is a ride or die. I guess that phrase is a scooch insensitive seeing as we all know how this movie ends. But you get the point. The movie also clued me in to what a BFD the below performance was and how basically no other singer would be able to vocally accomplish the range in this medley.

Love Again

One of my favorite traditions in life is to watch something horrifically bad and then pretend it was good to get someone else to watch it and suffer alongside me. This tradish goes hand in hand with my hard and fast rule that if I have to see or hear something terrible, everyone else does too. My sister is well-versed in this as she’s usually the unsuspecting victim who will get a random picture of an ugly baby on a Wednesday. IF I HAD TO SEE IT SO DO YOU, BOO. And with that precursor, I think we can conclude how this movie was. I’m always hard up for a new romantic flick and I was rabid to consume this, I think I caught it on opening night (Yikes, Julia, get a social life.) I wish I could’ve unseen it. Celine Dion plays herself in this movie and for whatever reason doles out love advice while the male lead listens to her music on repeat and quotes her lyrics back to her. I love the SHIT out of Celine Dion. She’s a hitmaker and a legend and her French Canadian accent will forever make me giggle. And yet, I don’t need a romantic drama centered around her giving dating tips. Also the premise of this movie was CREEEEEEPY. Mira loses her boyfriend in the first 5 mins and we watch her go through the stages of grief and then start texting her dead boyfriend’s number as if he can read it in Heaven. And Rob accidentally receives these texts. Whoopsie, guess phone numbers don’t die with people, they just get transferred. Classic mixup except that this stranger READS ALL OF HER MESSAGES and uses them to find her in real life and pretend they just bumped into each other and start dating. EW TIMES A MILLION. Even my homeslice Celine couldn’t fix this atrocity of a movie with a power ballad.

Love At First Sight

Bringing things back up with this one, I swear you can always count on movies meant for teens to clean up the mess that romances about thirty-somethings made. Hadley and Oliver have the meet-cute of the century when they end up on the same flight to London just falling in love in the air. Every time I’m on an airplane I wonder if I’ll meet the love of my life and then within 4 seconds of taking off when I immediately go lights out I remember that if anyone ever talked to me for the entirety of a flight, I’d be one of those people who opens the emergency exit just to see what happens. Being stuck on a stinky recycled air tin can with your knees to chest is already punishment enough, no need to add chitchats. Luckily for these two cuties, they were flying business class and got all of the perks of the rich so it was like a 7 hour first date and not mid-air get to know each other torture. Classic rom-com trope: not getting each other’s number and having to find each other in a big city. Supes realistic, but this movie had weddings and funerals and young love and it was a fine little Friday night flick. I ugly cried but that’s not saying much because I do that a lot. I just have a lot of feelings. PS I thought FOR SURE the dad in this movie (Rob Delaney) was a gay guy trying to play a straight and not really succeeding so I raced to IMDB to look him up and it turns out he is very much married to a woman and let me tell you…overtly flamboyant is a CHOICE for playing a straight dad. Totally threw me off.

Beckham

4 Episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)

I was SO excited to see a doc about Becks and even more so when they teased a clip of Victoria sharing that they both came from humble beginnings and Becks pokes his head in the room and goes let’s be honest, Victoria, what car did your dad drive you to school in? And when she answered a Rolls Royce after he forced it out of her, he ducked back out of the room. You mean Becks and Posh were British pop culture royalty of the 90’s AND they’ve got witty banter?! Sign me up. Well that clip was mostly false advertising as this was really a doc about David’s soccer career. Not really a soccer fan considering I’m a trash American who calls it soccer, so a lot of this was snoozeworthy. It did, however, give glimpses into their romance, which I ate right up. I didn’t know David was such a diva who demanded perfect hair at all times, nor did I know that the world literally shit bricks every time he dared to change his hairstyle. Guess we all feel invested in this perfect male specimen. True to a doc about famous figures, produced by said famous figures (ahem, the MJ doc) it was a real puff piece all around. We didn’t get any intel on the affair that Becks definitely had while he was in Spain, just a real gloss-over job of “that was a difficult time in our relationship.” Obviously I wanted the dirt, but they’re not about to air their cheating scandal out 20 years later. It’s a great watch for anyone who has followed Becks or his career through the years or likes sports, or for someone like me who is just nosy and looking for juicy tidbits. If I could watch a weekly reality show on David Beckham grilling mushrooms in his private kitchen and then kicking it with his wife and kids listening to Islands in the Stream, I’d be happy as a clam.

@tim_summerss
“THATS ALL I DO” #davidbeckham #beckham #netflix #netflixdocumentary #manchesterynited #manunited #manu #hollywood #celebrity #celeb #realmadrid #psg #lagalaxy #networth #fyp #hot
♬ original sound – Tim Summers

@harpersbazaarnl
David & Victoria Beckham dancing together in their new documentary: ‘Beckham’ Footage: Netflix #victoriabeckham #davidbeckham #beckham #netflix #documentary #beckhamfamily #dancing #harpersbazaar
♬ origineel geluid – harpersbazaarnl

Fair Play

This movie came out and I kept seeing tweets about it so when my mom asked me what she should watch, I told her this title and said I hadn’t had a chance to see it yet but it’s been buzzed about. Wouldn’t you know that sneaky lil B mom of mine watched it and goes, “it was interesting” and so I watched it a couple nights later and it was APPALLING. Did my mom just beat me at my own game?! Did I inherit this game from her?! It’s all coming together. WHAT A TRAP that I watched this. The opening scene is Emily and Luke sneaking off to a bathroom at a public party and when Luke goes downtown on Emily, he comes back up lookin like a crime scene and her silk gown is covered in her own blood. YUM! And THEN he proposes. WHAT A FAIRYTALE. My first thought was EW my mom watched this immediately followed by DOUBLE EW my mom watched this and then was like you should watch too! The rest of this movie was downhill FAST. Emily and Luke are both sellin stocks and she gets a promotion and he doesn’t and he turns into a real dick about it because his precious man ego can’t handle her being better than him. Tale as old as time. It was two hours of Phoebe Dynevor struggling to mask her British accent because she was supposed to be from Long Island and it ended in one of the weirdest standoffs I’ve ever witnessed between a couple. A real shitshow start to finish proving that just because there’s buzz on Twitter, doesn’t mean something is worth watching.

No Hard Feelings

I’m aware of the fact that this was actually a blockbuster release in theaters before it made its way onto Netflix. Other than pulling a big name like JLaw, I’m wondering why this movie got funding to be a theater release. In a rather washed up comedy trope, Jennifer’s character Maddie is a broke a$$ bitch looking to do anything to save her childhood home from being snatched back by the town, and Percy’s weirdo parents are willing to hand over a car to anyone who will boink their introverted 18 year old son. Maddie is supposedly 32 in this movie and goes hard in the paint tossing her hot pocket at an 18 year old who looks like he’s about 15 and that’s where I’m out. It was giving off big-time statch rape vibes and I cringed so hard that my face hurt when this movie concluded. Not to be sexist but when older men pursue younger women, the women at least LOOK like they’ve hit puberty…guys these days look like they’re 12 until they’re 30. I don’t make the rules, I just know I don’t want to watch a romcom that is eerily similar to a Lifetime movie about Mary Kay Letourneau. Why do you think they cast 30 year old dudes in high school shows? So we don’t feel like a bunch of pervs lusting after a senior with a six pack DUH. Anywho, this movie made me WANT to cover my eyes many times and *ACTUALLY* cover my eyes during one particular fully nude fight scene. PS Matthew Broderick’s look in this movie is also pretty jarring. A far cry from the leopard vest wearin’ babe soda he once was as Ferris Bueller.

Super Pumped: The Battle for Uber

Showtime & Netflix, 7 episodes (60 mins)

Quick rundown of this series and every other series that focuses on someone from Silicon Valley: they are a selfish and greedy asshole. That pretty much sums it up. The Zuckerbergs, Jobs, Musks, Gates, and Bezos of the world are all the same. They’re smart but they’re also not above stealing ideas or breaking laws to get what they want. And Travis Kalanick of Uber is no different. Do I love and regularly use every single product that all of these white men have “created”? Sure do. But that doesn’t mean I need to see Hollywood make another biopic or series about a self-centered butthole who tries to justify being a terrible person by calling himself a “disruptor?” NOPE. Do yourself a favor and skip this one because it’s the same as all the others. Also, FWIW, super boring and drawn out. Not even my Lord and Savior Coach Taylor could make this palatable.

Old Dads

This is the EXACT movie you’d guess it is once you see that Bill Burr wrote, directed & starred in it. So if you want to be angry at the world in all of its wokeness, saddle up partner. There were a few moments where I laughed out loud but mostly it was just the same old jokes with heavy handed old school conservative vs new age libby undertones. As you might infer from the title, this movie is about three old dads. They work together and are navigating parenthood for the first time as a bunch of old crusties and basically fighting with every youth they cross paths with. It serves its purpose in making fun of the current state of the world and I didn’t mind it but if Bill Burr’s rageaholic style of comedy isn’t your preferred brand, I’d say don’t tune into this flick. Also, I may have gotten more than a little triggered when their new boss who is in his twenties calls himself a “disruptor” because I had just finished binging the aforementioned series about Uber-douche who used the term disruptor 8 zillion times and if I ever hear that dumbass buzzword again it’ll be too soon.

Pain Hustlers

When Netflix is on a whirl with something, they don’t stop until every angle of every story has been told and that’s certainly the case with the opioid crisis. I feel like I’ve seen about 5 options just in the past year of big Pharma related content. Spoiler alert: the doctors and drug sales reps of this industry are JUST AS TERRIBLE as the silicon valley turds. Three cheers for the richest people in our country also being the worst! And probably getting richer the more we write books and create movies about them!!! Despite the world going to hell in a handbasket and me sitting on my couch shoving a cookiewich into my cookiewich hole consuming it all for entertainment, this was a decent movie. I mean, I don’t know how it couldn’t be with Chris Evans and Emily Blunt at the helm. Based loosely on true events not an actual person, Liza Drake’s a poor single mom who can’t seem to make enough money to take care of her kid until she finds herself working as a pharmaceutical rep and skyrockets into richie rich-land unfortunately at the cost of basically anyone who uses this drug. The company gets the Feds on their tail because apparently when you prescribe fentanyl spray to people who have addictive tendencies for a migraine and not for cancer side effects, you’re probably going to get those people hooked and/or overdosing like nobody’s biz. I may have never dabbled in recreational drugs but every idiot on the planet knows fentanyl is the big bad wolf so suuuure let’s just spritz it on our tongue whenever we have an ache or pain! PS Phoebe can take an acting class or two from Emily who flawlessly gave us a Florida accent in this movie with no detection of her Brit roots.

Get Gotti

3 episodes (50-60 mins ea)

With Italian blood flowing deep, it would be sacrelidge of me not to love a good mafia joint. I’m all over any new peek behind the curtain of Cosa Nostra like Sunday sauce on a meatball. In fact, when I studied abroad in Italy, I took a whole class on the mafia. Gotta pay respect to my ancestors where it’s due and obviously the only way to do that is to watch a series about how BALLER it was to be a mafia boss and thank my lucky stars I was never alive during the height of this madness because I would truly poop my pants. Gotti made the mafia a little *too* mainstream in the 80’s acting more like a celebrity and less like a guy who kills people for a living and unfortunately, it didn’t end so well for him. But this series showed me what a disaster it was for THREE law enforcement branches to take him down and I know I’m not supposed to laugh at the incompetency of cops and cheer for a stone cold killer but it is a little bit funny that between local, state, and federal investigators, they were ousted by a bad guy this many times. This series wasn’t too drawn out like many can be and I’d definitely recommend to anyone like me who is a crime/mafia junkie.

Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had

Every once in a while I dabble in the latest stand-up special that drops. I’ve seen Heather before via her podcast or TikToks that she does and I think she’s pretty funny. Unfortunately, that didn’t translate to stand-up comic level of funny for me. Comedy is super subjective and different brands are not everyone’s cup of tea. So I guess I can’t really tell you whether this is worth watching or not but I can reveal that I didn’t laugh at one joke, and I’m gonna go ahead and declare it a bust for me, personally. She talks a lot about her childhood, her weight, and the death of her dad, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Big Vape: The Rise and Fall of Juul

4 episodes (45 mins)

I don’t even know why I smashed play on this. To be honest I only just started it as I wrote this blog and immediately in epi 1, my trigger term disruptor was used and I wanted to Hulk Smash the TV. This series follows the rise of those little thumb drive lookin ciggies that have become all the rage with the youths. I was clearly looking to get pissed by watching this because I famously make fun of Gen Z on this blog and Juuls and vaping is EXCLUSIVE to that generation. Dressing like the Olsen Twins circa 1993 and pluming it up on a flash drive. That’s what they do best. One kid featured in this doc had a collapsed lung from how much he was vaping and he RECORDED them inflating his lung again for the Tok. Ope, hang on a second, Doc, gotta make sure I set up my tripod/ring light and catch this for all of my followers! OUR FUTURE IS IN THEIR HANDS. Ok now I’m just getting mad about it again and basically transforming into Old Dad, which honestly is my personality anyway. The best/worst part about this series is that they created Juul to be HEALTHIER than cigarettes. LOLOLOLOL, yeh, sure, ok, babes.

Love is Blind, Season 5

11 episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)

Obviously this show is not new and I’m not recommending it as it’s been around for quite a few years now. I’m here to cancel it. That’s right, The Salty Ju cancels Love is Blind. This last season which ended mid October SUCKED. It sucked so bad that I think the entire premise has jumped the shark. Love is no longer *TRULY* blind. They couldn’t even drum up enough couples to follow this season. They’re casting people that have already dated, they’re erasing couples from the edit with no explanation, past cast members have publicly declared they were starved and emotionally abused in the process, half of the couples break up or get divorced after their final reunion or “catch-up” episode airs. It’s just all shady shit. It’s not even fun to laugh at these clowns anymore. (With the exception of the photo above, the only time I truly laughed out loud this season when they did Izzy the DIRTIEST and had him sitting like a toddler with his legs dangling as he tries to impress his future bride’s dad who thinks he’s a poor schmuck.) We will never be able to recreate the magic of Shane looked tweaked out as shit on his wedding day, try as he might to keep doing so on the interweb. Even host Vanessa Lachey pissed people off so much during the Season 4 reunion that I thought for SURE she’d get bounced and yet she was back this season after a stern meeting with HR I’m sure, as she was notably more subdued and not foaming at the mouth asking if each woman was ovulating and when they would present the first LIB child to sacrifice at the altar. At this point I can’t stand Vanessa so much that I hope the show gets cancelled just so she’s out of a job because she 100% should’ve been shit-canned after S4. So you heard it here first, LOVE IS BLIND IS DEAD.

Might I suggest an alternative? Hop on over to the Bravo universe where there are 14,000 reality shows full of dummies to immerse yourself in. Not to brag but I decided at the beginning of September that I was sick of being left out of the Summer House dramz and watched all six seasons and the two seasons of chilly spin-off Winter House in less than a month. When I put my mind to something, I really get after it. Instead of enjoying the last warm weekends of a beach summer, I was Mrs. Send It with Kyle, Amanda, Carl, and Lindsay right in my living room. Who needs real friends when you can just rip and tear it up with a gang who can afford to live in the Hamptons every summer and wreck the mansion they rent by filling the pool with tea for their 4th of July party?! If this doesn’t show you how qualified I am to deliver hot takes on the latest streaming content, I don’t know what does. Strap in for winter folks, cause it’s gonna be a long one.

Movies

90’s Movie Characters I Wanted To Date

The fact that I had to ask multiple people if this blog would be funny or creepy can pretty much tell you what line I’m toeing here. The first boys to snag my heart were the classic movie characters of the 90’s and some of them happen to still be great boyf material (fictionally speaking…) Also my legal advisor (my dad) told me to not refer to any of these characters as hot. Probably because they ranged from like 11-17 in these movies. Whatever. I like to play it fast and loose.

October 2023 Update: Most, if not all, of these 90’s dreamboats have been present-day arrested for either domestic or drug abuse…or both. It’s important to note that I don’t condone any of their actions IRL or the scumbags they turned out to be. This blog lives completely in the magic of fictional scripted characters of the 90’s so please put on your make believe hats and envision a world where your teenage self swooned over their witty banter, sensitive side, and athletic prowess and you didn’t have to get distracted by the fact that they’re actually garbage humans. THANKS!

10. Josh Framm (Air Bud 1-100)

Although I can only say I watched the first Air Bud…who doesn’t love a cute guy who loves dogs and also happens to be teammates with his? It’s fate that Josh found Buddy because the two of them were an ally oop dream team (and apparently in later sequels they dabbled in football and soccer) WHAT CAN’T THIS PUP DO?! Regardless, Josh’s BFF was his dog and that’s something that’s definitely not lame when you’re a kid. It’s swoonworthy.

9. Max Dennison (Hocus Pocus)

Max was Joe Cool new kid from LA. Although he took a fair share of bullying, he got a bomb ass nickname from it. Hollywood had game for dayz when he slipped Allison his digits while wearing his best tie dye and then later took her on a date to a haunted house. He’s cool enough to admit he’s a virg when he lights the black flame and then does his best to protect everyone from getting murdered by a bunch of sassy buck toothed witches. What a dreamboat.

8. Josh Burnbalm (Heavy Weights)

Bet I threw you for a loop with this one. Hey, I can get down with the chubsters if they have a kickass personality like Josh did. Josh was the OG of Camp Hope and had an admirable collection of hats and track jackets like a real stud. He was confident and funny and after getting kicked out of camp he even knew how to pull a prank on his fellow fatties when he pretends he was brainwashed. Josh was as smooth as the chocolate stored in Chipmunk cabin’s top bunk.

7. Wally Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver)

The Beav was kind of a little annoying runt, but what really made this movie were the few glimpses of his older brother Wally as hot stuff. Wally was macking on girls during seven minutes of heaven and stealing his BFF’s crush while Beav was getting his bike stolen. Who was the more interesting Cleaver? Plus, THAT hair.

6. Casper (Duh)

K, I’m not about to throw a ghost fetish into the mix, but the fleeting moments in this movie when Casper turns from ghost into human form and gives Kat a smooch? Yes please. Who would’ve thought that a cartoon ghost could be such a cutie IRL. Ghost Casper lays the groundwork to be Kat’s BFF and then human Casper snakes right in and slow dances with her to seal the deal. Good teamwork. Also related but unrelated: the actor who plays Casper, Devon Sawa could’ve easily made this list as three separate characters, guy CRUSHED it as the love interest in 90’s movies.

5. Dean Portman (D2: Mighty Ducks)

Dean Portman was ½ of the Bash Bros and one whole hunky piece of meat. As an avid bandanna wearer who knew that sleeves weren’t in his best interest, Dean loved to rock a little pre-game air guitar and then lay out anyone who got near him on the ice. He fulfilled my bad boy fantasy as a young’n, but he also had a soft spot for a little bromance with Fulton Reed. These two were an aggressive dynamic duo who could get down with slumber parties. (Also we can all agree that D2 is 1000 times better than the original Mighty Ducks right?) Bonus points: Dean had the body of a pro hockey player even though he was supposed to be like 15.

4. Jesse (Free Willy 1-3)

Although Jesse was a little brat at first because he was homeless and sad about his mom hating him, he shaped up real quick and became the apple of my eye. Mostly because he became BFF’s with a killer whale. Oh hey, have you guys met my boyfriend? He’s over there riding Willy through the Pacific, NBD. Jesse could rip the harmonica, was passionate about his best bud and saved him from captivity but still hung out with him on the reg. If you’re wondering if I’d use Jesse to get to Willy, the answer is a hard yes.

3. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)

Henry broke his arm one summer and when the cast came off he was the best pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. Supes realistic. Whatever, Henry was funny, cute and could totes get me season tix for all you can eat Wrigley Field wieners. And his mom was his BFF which was pretty adorbsies, plus he never forgot who his real friends were. #Loyalty, #MillionDollarPaycheck, #MagicalBones

2. Rocky (3 Ninjas)

Although any of the three boys could’ve made this list, Rocky was the oldest and therefore the most appropriate to have a crush on. Rocky rides a mean bike, dunked in a kid’s face at school and oh wait…is a NINJA. The only thing holding him back? His girlfriend, Emily. WOOOF. You can do better than that, Rocky. Every time I watched that movie I wish Rocky was whispering sweet nothings from a can into my bedroom, not hard puffy bangz Emily. Anyway, Rocky protected Emily when she got kidnapped in her embarrassing pink nightgown which obviously means he’s a phenomenal boyf. Plus he knew how to wear the shit out of a backwards hat, hair poking through.

1. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot)

It should be no surprise to any Sandlot fans how Benny The Jet topped this list. Benny was without a doubt the coolest, most heart-fluttering character of my formative years. He was sick nasty at baseball (and not just because he broke his arm), he was generous to people who sucked (I’m lookin at you, Smalls) and he pickled The Beast. Benny was also a giver to his obviously less hot friends. He totes could’ve gotten Wendy Peffercorn but he let Squints go for the chase while he kicked back and had dreams about Babe Ruth giving him life advice. Benny lacing up a fresh pair of Chucks and hopping that fence still does things to my thirteen-year-old heart. Is this getting pervy? Probably. Whatevs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez foreva…cause heroes get remembered but legendary characters I wished were my boyfriend never die.

And just for kicks, here’s what everyone looks like present-day. As like, legal adults.

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Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies

When I think of the Christmas season, one of the first things that comes to mind is sitting on the couch for a full Saturday or Sunday (whichever day my hangover is worse) and watching back to back original holiday movies. Whether it be on the Hallmark channel, Lifetime, ABC Family, or UP (the God Network), it is through the magic of Christmas and underpaid actors that I’m able to crush cheesy rom-coms back to back. It was not to my surprise that when I brought up this guilty pleasure with friends, most* of them admitted they love* these movies too. (*Most meaning my sister and my mom, *love meaning love to hate.) Since I’ve consumed far too many to reveal to the masses, I’ll give you a list of the ones to watch and the ones to skip this holiday season.

Disclaimer: There are two general things that I immediately look for before I get invested in watching a holiday movie and sitting through endless commercials. 1. The movie needs to have two attractive people that will eventually fall in love. If one or more of the soon to be couple is uggo, ditch the movie because there is no reason to root for them. 2. This has been proven wrong in one case, which I will detail below, but if there is any sort of child story line it will blow and you will be forced to watch the kid cockblock all romance in the movie for a full 2 hours until there is one kiss at the end, and the person that doesn’t have a kid (usually the guy) has to impress the kid and then probably adopt it. It’s not worth the fuss…if there are kids in the descrip, move on to the next.

WATCH:

Snow Bride (2013)

Although this movie has no one famous in it, it was good enough for me to DVR and then force my parents to leave it on the DVR until I moved and they deleted it without a care in the world.

Plot- Greta, a reporter for a gossip magazine (do you see why I was hooked from the start?) has to get the juice on classy, famous family the Tannenhills that are always in the tabs, when she finds a way to pose as one of the son’s girlfriends, she spends Christmas with the fam and has to choose between exposing all their secrets to stomp her way to the top of her career or can you guess it…follow her heart.

Bonus Points-A good ole fashioned thirsty gold digger dates both Tannenhill brothers and tries to weasel her way into the family and it makes for some quality side story.

Rating- 5 candy canes

A Bride For Christmas (2012) Arielle Kebbel, Andrew W. Walker

Plot-Within 10 minutes we already know this one is a keeper because it starts with men making a bet over a girl like EVERY 90’s movie and buckle up because this obviously will not blow up in their face at any point during the next 2 hours. Aiden (such a typical hot guy name) is our cocky frat bro character, who happens to look like an Abercrombie model and makes a bet with his equally as dimwitted coworkers/poker buddies that he can get engaged by Christmas. If he fails, he has to work in a cubicle (THE HORROR), also his dum dum buddies get to pick the girl. His bro, Matt hits on Jessie at an art show, she turns him down and clearly has baggage, so Matt presents her as the prize to propose to and obviously Aiden says yes please. Aiden approaches Jessie and dribbles out “You would be the envy of every girl in this room if you wore kicks with that dress.” Aaand it was love at first pickup line. Jessie happens to love burgers, horror flicks and dogs…cause she’s the cool chick, duh. What happens next? Guess you’ll have to watch and find out (if you have a brain you absolutely know what happens next)

Best Quote- “There’s a lot of people you can live with, there’s only one you can’t live without.”-Dad…what a guy, a modern poet if you will.

Bonus Points- Abercrombie interacting with puppies, literally the only two things women love most.

Rating: 4 candy canes

Christmas with Holly (2012) Sean Faris

Before getting too invested in this one I referred to my sister who has seen more made for TV movies than me and her advice for me was very distinct:”Neg. Sean Faris has long hair.” This was very sound advice, because Sean Faris was real woof looking in this movie…but it was slim pickins’, so I got sucked in. The good news is that it ended up making the watch list.

Plot- The reason why this movie is the exception to the kids rule is that the little girl in this movie, Holly doesn’t talk. She had just lost her mom and her Uncle Mark was given custody of her but she was so distressed from losing her mom that she didn’t speak for most of the movie. And boy was it peaceful. She didn’t butt in or try to steal the attention, she was a quiet part of the storyline and it was really the best case scenario here. Mark moves Holly back to his hometown and they move in with her two other uncles for some family bonding and obviously love interest times with the newbie, Maggie, who opened a toy store in town. All kids should play the quiet game during the holidays…

Bonus Points- Maggie Irish step dances as a way of flirting and step dances right off the curb. This is absolutely something I would do except it would be 1000x less graceful.

Rating: 2 candy canes

A Royal Christmas (2014) Lacey Chabert, Jane Seymour

Literally didn’t even see this whole movie and already knew by half of it that it was a keeper. First of all it has Hallmark/Lifetime vet Lacey Chabert, and they never put an ugly guy with her. Sure it was the poor man’s version of the Prince and Me but did it stop me from eating that shit up? No, no it didn’t.

Plot- Emily is dating Leo in Philly and then suddenly she finds out he is a prince, because naturally when you’re dating someone this information just doesn’t come up in conversation. They go back to his castle and obv the Queen hates Emily because she’s a trashy seamstress from Philly and not a royal. So the Queen sets out to get her the F out of her country and Emily just wants to teach the maids how to make a good ole fashioned hoagie. Power struggle.

Bonus Points- There’s obviously a scene where the Queen makes Emily wear a hideous dress to the fancy ball and she turns it into a slutty tight dress that she looks like a knockout in, modern day Cinderella.

Rating: 3 candy canes

Let It Snow (2013) Candace Cameron Bure, Alan Thicke

By this cast of characters you see that they’ve got some real Hallmark gems leading the movie here. DJ from Full House debuts a new Christmas movie every year and this one was a banger. The guy is super hot and it allows me to look past how queer Candace is throughout this whole movie.

Plot- Stephanie works for her dad as chief of marketing for all the resorts that he manages. He sends her to a property they’re planning on updating/destroying and it happens to be a family-owned lodge in the woods that has a lot of character and goes all out for Christmas each year. Stephanie hates the cold and hates Christmas because she’s a bitter bitch whose dad worked instead of kicking it with her during holidays and then suddenly the family who owns the lodge warms her icy heart and makes her see the magic of Christmas and their hot son Brady gets all up in that and they decide they love snow and Christmas after all. Will Steph-dawg be able to save this magical lodge from her money grubber asshole dad?

Bonus Points- Once Steph realizes she loves Christmas she writes a letter to Santa and wakes up Christmas morning with candy in her sensible flats and does an extremely embarrassing dance around her room and shouts like a 12 year old, it’s pretty cringeworthy and also awesome. Also she puts her flats on with her pjs and socks. No, girl.

Rating: 3 candy canes

Holiday High School Reunion (2012) Lifetime-Jonathan Bennett, Harry Hamlin

Plot- This movie has Aaron Samuels in it, what more do you need to know? Ok, fine, Georgia and Ben were besties in high school and it’s clear that Georgia has friend zoned Ben for an excruciating amount of years because she was always trying to be in the cool crowd and bang the football players. Their high school reunion around Christmas time is when it all goes down. Georgia finds out that half of her besties from high school are actually huge betches and they hate her, and her football boyf has penetrated everyone in the school and she’s quirky and doesn’t fit in with them/her career is a hot mess (whose isn’t amirite?) and at this point Ben has had blue balls for 10 years.

Bonus Points- Georgia takes over the dance team’s holiday performance at the reunion and makes a mockery of it like a real goober. I love a good quality dance scene.

Rating: 3 candy canes

Matchmaker Santa (2012) Lacey Chabert, Florence Henderson, John Ratzenberger

What did I tell you about Lacey? Gold. Every time.

Plot- Melanie wished for prince charming when she was a kid (the outcome of this movie gives me hope, guys) and as an adult she owns a bakery and is dating a hottie biz man who invites her home for the holidays to meet his mom. Plans go awry and Melanie gets stranded in a random town with her boyfriend’s assistant/friend Dean and it seems that the mechanic fixing their car is an elf or somehow connected to Santa. Elf and Santa obviously start pulling some strings, as they’re known to do, and try to get Dean and Melanie to bone because they’re perfect for each other…and everyone knows don’t F with Santa’s wishes.

Bonus Points- Always the feel good network, they never want one person in a movie to be dumped without cause, so they find a match for whoever’s left out in the cold. So kosher and lame sauce, but leads to a nice awkward end scene where the new couples hang and ignore the fact that they’ve traded partners without a care in the world.

Rating: 3 candy canes

12 Men of Christmas (2009) Lifetime-Kristin Chenoweth, Josh Hopkins

This movie is so great that my sister has it on DVD. True story, really committed to this one.

Plot- A NYC publicist, EJ catches her fiance banging her boss at the Christmas party and therefore quits and is single during the holidays…sob…then she takes a job in Montana just for shits promoting a charity and decides to take a risque turn and publicize the charity via a nearly nude calendar of the male volunteers in town. She’s photographing a bunch of men modeling shirtless, so which one does she snag? The hot one…duh.

Bonus Points- I’m gonna go with all the shirtless attractive men.

Rating: 5 candy canes

SKIP:

Christmas on the Bayou (2013) Lifetime-Hilarie Burton, Tyler Hilton

All my OTH superfans will understand exactly why I subjected myself to this movie even though the plot looked real stupid…also there was a kid, which I realized AFTER I had already committed to watching. I think we all know where this is going…

Plot- Katherine is a single mom who works way too much in NYC and her son, Zack is a weirdo who gets bullied and usually has his face in a gameboy (or whatever today’s equivalent is). They take a trip back to Katherine’s hometown to stay with her mom and celebrate Christmas and in very “Sweet Home Alabama” style but without good writing or actors, Katherine remembers what she loved about the south and reconnects with childhood crush Caleb. Zack makes a little girl friend next door and then also casually becomes bros with Santa Claus (Papa Noel) himself. Everything is swell on the bayou…except for the gators.

Weird Deets- They make up their completely own Christmas traditions in the south apparently, Santa is called Papa Noel and gets pulled along the bayou by gators instead of reindeer, cause there’s no snow, or like everyone there is a hick or something.

Rating: 1 candy cane

Holidaze (2013) ABC Family-Jennie Garth, Cameron Mathison

I love my girl Jennie Garth but this movie was an abomination. Even Cameron, champion of Christmas love interests couldn’t save this train wreck.

Plot- Melody is a bitchy workaholic and goes home for the holidays, falls down a flight of stairs and wakes up in an alternate reality, as most of us do, where she married childhood sweetheart, Carter. Melody is a real twat and should probably be thankful that she’s tricked Carter into marrying her, alternate universe or not, but it’s pretty insufferable. Obviously in the spirit of the holidays she stops being the worst but there’s really no turning back with this mash-up of bad acting and turning down a perfectly good six pack for a job.

Rating: 1/2 candy cane (can’t do half…I made it smaller. So there.)

In My Dreams (2014) Katharine McPhee, Mike Vogel

This might not count because it technically premiered after the holidays last year but they made a huge deal about it and it was featured on a major network. My mom and I were supes excited to watch it. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that they will never play this movie again because it was embarrassingly bad. In the event that they do, here is your warning to never watch it unless you’re inclined to turn it into a drinking game (drink every time they sleep.)

Plot- Natalie and Nick have shitty love lives so they throw a coin in a fountain to wish for someone and they don’t know it but OBVIOUSLY the fountain is magical and matches people up. However, the catch is that they only meet and see each other in their dreams and they have a certain amount of time to meet in real life or else they’re cursed forever. Suuuuper realistic obviously…will they meet in time or only have a sleep relationship? Spoiler alert they’ll obviously end up together, IRL.

Weird Deets- What made this movie absolutely wooftastic is that these two goons would put off real life plans to sleep, because they were dating each other in THEIR DREAMS. Like they would go to bed at 7pm and Natalie would put on her nicest nightgown and do her hair and makeup for her dream sequence of a date. I can get down with a LOT of stupid story lines as you can see from this list, but this was preposterous. I won’t stand for it, ABC.

Rating: 0 candy canes, no redeeming qualities.

Finding Christmas (2013) J.T. Hodges (country singer)

Plot- The ole’ I’m bored with my city so I’m going to go online and find someone who is willing to do a city/home swap with me for a change of scenery that always ends in a relationship. Sean is a big-wig advertising guy in NYC trades places with Owen, a small town handyman/musician and obviously it goes exactly how you would expect it to. My problem with this movie is that they forcefully incorporated singing and also one of the guys we’re supposed to believe is falling in love with a girl has me completely convinced that he’s actually gay. Tough sell on this one.

Weird Deets- There’s a kid. Yuck. And terrible christmas songs coming from a professional country singer.

Rating: 1/2 candy cane

Holly’s Holiday (2012) Lifetime-Literally No One Famous

Plot- A NYC ad exec, Holly, passes by an elaborate window display every day with the “perfect man” in it and essentially has a crush on an inanimate object and wishes it were real. Well don’t ya know she slips on ice in front of the store window and he comes to life and they start dating, because that’s how we find true love, ladies. Once she’s dating her perfect man she realizes that he’s creepy and too much at once so catch 22 maybe Holly should date real humans.

Weird Deets- Everything about this movie is weird, she’s dating a G-D mannequin.

Rating: ½ candy cane

The Real St. Nick (2012) Lifetime Torey DeVitto (Nanny Carrie from OTH)

Nanny Carrie and a hot guy? Sign me up. Just kidding this movie blows.

Plot- Hot guy Nick saves Kate, a psychiatrist from an accident but Nick hits his head and thinks he’s Santa Claus. YOU’RE TOO HOT AND YOUNG TO BE SANTA CLAUS. Also there’s kids…lots of them, because Santa/Nick is committed to a hospital where they can evaluate his brain.

Weird Deets- This was a real review on IMDB: “This is not a movie you would like to see or admit you watched. The story was lame and the acting was worse.” BRAVO.

Rating: 1 candy cane (hey the guy was real cute)

I can only hope that this guide will be like the north star, guiding your sleigh through all cheesy holiday movie endeavors. Feel free to comment below if I’ve missed any major flicks.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Tag Archives: Movies

Winter Watch List

SKIP

Torching 2024: A Roast of the Year – Netflix

Paris & Nicole: The Encore – Peacock

It Ends With Us – Netflix

Your Friend, Nate Bargatze – Netflix

Carry On-Netflix

Laid – Peacock

Girls Gone Wild: The Untold Story – Peacock

Sweethearts – Max

Martha – Netflix

WATCH

Shrinking Season 2 – Apple TV

Missing You – Netflix

No Good Deed – Netflix

I’m Tim – Netflix

English Teacher – FX/Hulu

Glitter and Greed: The Lisa Frank Documentary – Amazon Prime

The Comeback: 2004 Boston Red Sox – Netflix

Juror # 2 – Max

Mr. McMahon – Netflix

My Old Ass – Amazon Prime

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2024 Edition

Meet Me Next Christmas – Netflix

Hot Frosty – Netflix

The Merry Gentlemen – Netflix

Our Little Secret – Netflix

Christmas in the Spotlight – Lifetime

Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story – Hallmark

Twas the Date Before Christmas – Hallmark

The Finnish Line – Hallmark

A Carpenter Christmas Romance – Lifetime

Weekly JUice – Oct 4, 2024

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2023 Edition

Fall 2023 Netflix Round-Up

90’s Movie Characters I Wanted To Date

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies