Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Country Music Has Been Murdered

We return this week to Kelsey still lying on the cold hard ground. She gasps for air even with an oxygen mask on her face and is begging to see Chris so he can see what her anxiety looks like in the flesh and throw a pity rose at her. She actually utters the words, I better get a rose for this. At least she’s subtle about it. After Chris tells her she’s beautiful even with a mask assisting her breathing, she returns to the group fully recovered and laughs it off. Everyone promptly tells her to kill herself with their eyes. She replies with the most sinister smile in America. And we’ve begun tonight’s portion of Kelsey the Sociopath: An Original Lifetime Movie.

DELAYED Rose Ceremony:

Whitney, Kaitlyn, Britt, Jade, Megan, Becca, KardASHLEY & Kelsey get roses.

BAI Mackenzie & Samantha (who says the most amount of words upon her departure.) Nice knowin ya.

Chris is FINALLY ready to have fun so he brings the gang to Deadwood, South Dakota. PARTY ANIMAL. Chris is really upping the ante with more obscure places that the ladies don’t know the geographical location of. We get the lay of the land, “This is where Calamity Jane did her business,” says history Professor Soules as he poses naked for old timey pictures in a saloon.

Let’s Give Love A Shot-Becca

This date is somewhat uneventful. Becca the virgin hops right up on that horse like nobody’s biz and Chris has to work hard to hide his boner. They giggle a lot together and Becca points out what we’ve all been suffering from for weeks; Chris’s laugh SOOKS. She laughs at his laugh rather than him. Did I mention I love Becca? I love her even more when she tells us that she wants Chris to kiss her but she’s concerned about her family seeing her get her mack on. Kardashley’s a virgin who eats Chris’s face every time he’s within reaching distance and Becca is holding out for the kiss and trying to be conservative and earn his respect. Hmm, quite a toss up. They finally kiss and Becca apologizes to her dad. Do you think Jade apologized to her dad when she spread her downstairs curtains for the big show in Playboy? Just wondering.

Back at the South Dakota den, the girls gang up on Kelsey and call her out for laughing in the face of Sanderson Poe’s untimely death. Apparently Kelsey has a nervous laugh and she’s never had a panic attack in her entire life but it was TERRIFYING. She says she’ll be mindful about future interactions with the ladies. And with that she’s already decided she will kill them all at any cost.

Let’s Make Sweet Music Together- Group Date

Chris wants them all to write country songs and Big and Rich show up to help. Megan doesn’t even know where New Mexico is or what show she’s on but she immediately recognizes Big & Rich. I’m guessing the producers tipped her off. Jade is stressed because she’s not good at songwriting; she’s only good at showing off her labia in Playboy. Big (or Rich) runs with Jade down the street shouting and she’s like how much do I owe you for this very effective therapy session. Britt starts tongue-ing Chris in public. Suddenly Jade is sad again.

Chris sings first and hide ya kids, hide ya wife because his voice could potentially kill them. Britt gets up and croons, “I can hear sweet music every time you’re around.” Chris tells us he’s barely holding back the tears after that cheesetastic line. Kaitlin takes the stage and raps about whiskey and her lady bits and I love the shit out of it. Carly grabs Chris’s hand and gives off a vibe of LET THE PROFESSIONALS HANDLE THIS ONE, GUYS and serenades him. I hope for Carly’s sake that the cruise line she works for is full of drunks. Jade goes last and it’s SO BAD that I cover my eyes and my ears. She thinks she did OK. Big & Rich and Chris are laying the compliments on thick. Why are we encouraging this like a bunch of children singing in a school pageant? Related but unrelated: why is Chris such a pussybitch? No one should ever be bawling from this mishmash of unclever lyrics and fork in a garbage disposal singing voices.

The group date continues and he takes some time with each girl. He tells Jade she killed it. And I genuinely wonder if he’s just trolling the viewers now. Britt and Chris run away because they like to shove their sexual chemistry in everyone’s faces and they end up at a Big & Rich show. These two horndogs use the live concert as background music for their journey to second base. They’re pulled off each other and nearly hosed down by the sounds of Big & Rich inviting them onstage. Britt gets rose’d onstage even though she hates country music. Big & Rich change the lyrics to Save A Horse, Ride A Farm Boy and Britt says Challenge, Accepted.

They come back to a room full of death stares and Chris explains himself as Britt takes this opportune time to wipe his saliva from her lips. Everyone obviously shits all over Britt for getting the rose and an undeserving concert. The dramatic music swells and each woman lets her tears do the talking—Carly feels invisible, Kaitlin doesn’t fight for attention, Whitney’s pure heart is broken. Britt combs her luscious locks, applies a fresh coat of lipstick and goes to bed.

Badlands: The Battle of the Crazies 2 in 1 Date

The human crop top and the schoolteacher are treated to a helicopter ride around Mt. Rushmore. Kelsey names each president she sees and Kardashley is pezzed because they’re not flying over a mountain with Kris, Kourtney, Kim and Khloe’s faces carved into it. Awkward silence ensues upon landing in the Badlands and Chris chugs his whiskey to handle this date. (Live look into my apt: chugging wine to handle this show. It seems Soules and I have something in common.) Kardashley and Chris go off to make out and talk shit about Kelsey. Kardashley has gotten better at kissing. She’s probably been practicing with her hand at night. She reminds us that she’s still a virgin, but at least she’s SEXY and dresses like a rebellious teen rather than a MOM.

After Kardashley took her time to remind everyone she’s a virgin, Kelsey took her one on one time to remind Chris she’s a widow. “I’m prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one… to Sanderson Poe. Do you remember him? He penned a great American novel.” Chris obliterates all rules on trash talking by immediately repeating what Kardashley just revealed about Kelsey. Kelsey is hurt, Chris. HOW DARE YOU?

Things start to heat up in the desert when Kelsey returns to Kardashley and tells her “I know what you did” before she pulls a butcher knife out of her back pocket and slices Kardashley’s exposed belly ring off. Kardashley stomps away into the mountains and I keep my fingers crossed for a hangry mountain lion. She finds Chris first, and sobs because he repeated what she said. He comforts the colicky baby and gives a look to the cameras that says he wants to be buried alive in the Badlands. He cuts Kardashley loose because he can’t give her the lavish princess lifestyle she so clearly needs. She lashes out and throws Britt under the bus for also liking nice things and makes herself look even worse. She stomps away then comes back because Chris didn’t follow her and shouts that she can’t believe she’s acting like this, then continues to act like this. Kardashley cries into the camera a lot and can’t pull it the F together. I would expect nothing less for her final moments on this show than that perfectly contoured face gasping for air as buckets of tears pour out. PEACE OUT Kardasssssssssssssley. I wish you a lifetime of laugh-crying.

You still trying to figure out what presidents those are, Kardash?

Chris does the smartest thing he’s ever done when he turns around and whacks Kelsey too. She takes her rejection a wee bit better than Kardashley…for now. The bitches cheer and pop bottles upon hearing news of Kelsey’s exit. “My story is amazing, it’s tragic and it’s beautiful,” Kelsey says one last time, her swan song as she stalks off into the desert to find the shovel she had hidden there the day before in case she needed it. YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, Kelsey echoes through the Badlands, “One day I’ll be featured on Beyond the Headlines: The Murder of Ashley I.” she shouts as she waves the shovel in the air!

I will CUT you.

Best Quotes:

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it.”-Mackenzie the TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD saying that she’ll never recover from a man she’s been on one date with.

“Kelsey had a bit of a fainting episode”-Chris confirming that Kelsey is a sociopath with one subtle sentence.

“She got up there like she’s been riding horses for years.”– Chris clearly disbelieving of Becca’s virginity and also in need of a waistband tuck.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get the princess date.”-Kelsey giving us the exact headline that will appear over a picture of Kardashley’s face on the front page of the newspaper when she SNAPS.

“It’s just so stupid that every time I’m around you I have to cry, it’s like what?!”-Kardashley echoing America’s sentiments, and yet still crying like a faucet.

BONUS-Due to aggressive snowfall in Boston, I got a couple adult snow days and took it upon myself to create a Bachelor drinking game last night. I’ll share some of the rules I used so that you might also enjoy getting hammy-sammied on Monday nights.

Take a Sip When:

-Chris makes out with one of his girlfriends

-AMAZING, obv. Also: journey, difficult & connection

-Chris says, “This is hard.”

-Anyone talks about their feelings

-Chris looks like he’s solving global warming in his head when really he’s just listening to a female talk

-A Rose is given

-Chris breathes with his mouth open

-Farm synonyms, themes or catchphrases

-A girl throws shade or talks shit

-Chris talks about how many kids he wants with a girlfraand

-A date gives you the uncomfies

Take a Gulp/Shot When:

-Chris makes out with one of his girlfriends in front of another one of his girlfriends

-Chris’s high-pitched maniac laugh pierces your eardrums

-Britt is touching all up on or cuddling with another girl in the house

-There are tears

-Kaitlyn says something inapprops or dirrty

-Megan is confused as to where she is or what she’s doing

-Chris showers or goes shirtless

-Virginity is discussed

-Chris does something the ladies don’t like and doesn’t have a backbone when defending his decision

-C. Harrison has to talk Soules down from a meltdown

-There’s a Kate Gosselin hairstyle in Iowa

Finish Your Drink When:

-Jade finally reveals she spread eagle for Playboy

-Penetration

-Chris proposes

-The girls physically fight WWE style

-Kardashley returns to the mansion in a princess dress, wielding an ear of corn

-Kelsey returns to the mansion wielding an actual weapon

-Ashley S. returns to the mansion because she took PCP and got lost on her way home

There are obviously more that could be added to this—leave your suggestions below and help me make next week’s two nighter MUCH more tolerable!

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Where is New Mexico?

This week’s episode starts out with Chris in Santa Fe staring up at a sky full of hot air balloons wondering how a balloon could float in the air AND hold a person. He’s lost in trying to fathom the meaning of the world as the girls find out that they’ll be visiting him in New Mexico for some dates. They all immediately Google if this is an area of Mexico that’s newer, and get their passports ready for a flight two states over. Shh, if we feed them Mexican food they won’t know the difference.

Hey Chris, the balloons are that way…ohh nevermind.

“Let’s Come (Cum?) Together” with Carly

Carly wins the one on one date—she looks surprised, mostly because her eyebrows are frozen like that. They have a date with a love guru who looks like one of the Egyptian vampires who came to Forks to help the Cullen’s fight the Volturi in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. She pumps a lot of smoke into the room that I can only presume smells like the incense they swing around church on Easter and they’re both told to chant. Chris has a higher pitched voice than Carly and he should probably go into hiding now because that’s so embarrassing. But no, that’s not even the humiliating part of this date. It gets worse when they’re asked to feel each other up and then strip in front of the lady wearing a tube top and a scarf. These two prudes get real uncomfy undressing and smearing chocolate on each other (I can’t understand why) and opt for talking about their feelings instead. Oh and Carly sits on his lap, flattens his boner and they breathe into each other’s mouths Darth Vader style. Seriously, Chris I think you have a deviated septum, stop snarling while you breathe. They rape each other’s mouths after this breathing exercise and mushroom cut guru stares on from a mere inch away.

I understand the date name now.

Later on, Carly admits next to a crackling fire that her last boyfriend thought she was disgusting and wouldn’t touch her. She talks about how insecure she is about being an ugly woman who guys don’t want to sex. Chris reassures her by telling her she’s cool and smart like he’s signing her yearbook in 8^th grade. She gets a rose and admits this is the first reciprocate relationship she’s had in a while and I hate to be the one to remind her that he’s also dating 10 other women.

“I’m Rapidly Falling In Love” Group Date

They all go white water rafting and Jade gets tossed from the raft and of course she also happens to have a condition that gives her hypothermia in normal temperatures so she gets a personal foot rub to warm up from Chris. Kelsey turns into the green-eyed monster and begins her swan dive off the deep end that will culminate in a staged panic attack at the end of this episode. Stay Tuned.

Hey everyone remember Jordan? She always had an IV of wine hooked up and she twerked on the bathroom wall then demanded Chris kiss her before he finally did, when he kissed her goodbye. Jordan makes a triumphant return asking for a sober second chance but also sneaking in the confession that she definitely has a drinking problem. Chris brings Jordan to the group date and Becca genuinely looks like Chris has just walked in with a yeti on his arm. The rest of the date is spent assembling a verdict for letting Jordan stay or not. Chris interviews the girls like they’re part of a jury to vote Boozy off the island. Jordan feels uncomfortable because all the girls obviously hate her for stealing their time; she goes to the bathroom for just long enough that I’m concerned she’s found the bar instead. Everyone tells Chris that it’s his decision but with their eyes they say that his decision should be to send Jordan home. Sack up and learn how to say no, Chris.

Finally after ruining the group date, he takes Jordan aside and tells her to kick rocks. She has a dramatic goodbye with the girls who just talked shit about her and she hugs every girl. Kelsey brings her in tight, pets her hair and whispers, “I’ll always admire you,” as she snips a lock of Jordan’s hair to add to her potion later. Whitney gets the rose for being there for the “right reasons.” KardASHLEY cries about it because she hasn’t thrown a tantrum yet this episode. Later she bitches to Mackenzie, her soundboard about how Whitney is a fake asshole who hates her for no reason. Note: KardASHLEY is wearing a top as a dress, yet there’s no black censor box, apparently Jillian took it with her when she left.

“Sky’s The Limit” with Britt

Britt gets the date card and immediately bursts into tears not because Carly just told her to shower for once, but because she’s deathly afraid of heights. Chris wakes Britt up for their date at 430AM and he’s really impressed with how she looks in the morning, probably because she has a full face of makeup on, including red lipstick. Britt let’s leave it to Beyonce to wake up like this, k? Carly has to watch them make out and is pezzed at Britt, the dirty old sock on the suite floor. Britt and Chris take a sunrise hot air balloon ride and Britt shows absolutely no fear of heights. Hmm…Could she be bi-curious AND dramatic?

Chris takes her back to his hotel room where Britt tells Chris that she wants 100 kids. Apparently Chris is into saggy vaginas that drag on the ground because he gives her the rose. They have some sloppy kisses and Chris shows her what’s behind door #3. Hint: it’s his penis. Back at the Mexican house, the ladies eat taquitos and talk shit about Britt and how she showers once a year and told them she doesn’t want to get married or have kids. They all agree Britt is a hoebag and also a fleabag. Later, Britt recaps for the girls and confirms their fears, “we ordered room service and took a nap.” That’s what the kids are calling hide the snake these days? Ok, Britt. And just because I feel like I’m stingy with the compliments, I’ll add that Britt’s hair was ON POINT for this date, clean or full of bugs, it didn’t matter because her glossy mane got her a one way ticket to Poundtown.

Kelsey hears about this “nap” and it lights a fire under her sensible shoes. After revealing to KardASHLEY and her minion (Mackenzie) the story of her husband dying earlier in the episode, Kelsey feels like she must tell Chris before the rose ceremony. She surprises Chris in his hotel room. Kelsey tells the tale of Sanderson Poe, her husband and also the character from a 1950’s story. She shows some emotion when telling it this time around (as opposed to, “SHIT HAPPENS HAHA” earlier with the girls.) The story now has a happy ending, because Kelsey gets her first kiss from Chris. Kelsey thanks her dead husband, who is probably watching over her with a monocle, for guaranteeing her pity rose and smooch. Also would we put it past Kelsey to murder someone? Just throwing it out there, but it will quickly be redacted if Kelsey ever reads this, for my own safety of course.

Chris tries to give a pre-rose speech about his emotional talk with Kelsey. GODDAMNIT, CHRIS PULL IT TOGETHER. Britt strokes Kelsey’s arm as she reveals how she snuck into Chris’s room to honor Sanderson, the greatest detective in Winston County. Kelsey turns on the tears to distract the dumbos around her from what she’s actually saying, which is that her husband died, Chris will obviously keep her around and she’ll cut a bitch that gets in her way.

Chris wah wahs to C.Harrison and wants to skip the social because he already knows whom he wants to cut loose. The girls are informed that they’ll be skipping right to the delete portion of the night and Kelsey announces that she doesn’t even want to do a rose ceremony because apparently she’s nervous Chris might’ve found her witches potion in her room that will trick him into marrying her. RIGHT after this little comment, Kelsey disappears and wouldn’t you know she has a very loud and aggress panic attack on the floor of the hallway. Is it too late for a last minute Oscar nom? I’ll find out. TO BE CONTINUED.

Roses (So Far): Carly, Whitney, Britt

Best Quotes:

“The hats & sombreros that they wear in Mexico, I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. I’m excited, I’ve never been out of the country” -Helmet Megan showing the damage her brain suffered courtesy of Chris’s brick wall. She also dons a sombrero at the end to show everyone that she’s racist. Indians and Mexicans are the same HAHA it’s FUNNY cause I’m wearing a BIG HAT.

“I just don’t think that you like her.”-Mackenzie trying to rationalize the babble that’s dribbling from KardASHLEY’s perfect red pout about Whitney being fake.

“Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”-Kelsey reciting a line from her future Lifetime movie about the murder of Chris Soules.

“This is harder than I thought it’d be.”-Chris crying about dating multiple women every single week.

“Now it’s just a big comparison game of sad stories.” –KardASHLEY summing up the plot of The Bachelor in one sentence. Who has a more depressing story? You’re CAST in this season of The Bachelor. Please inappropriately share it on national TV. Sorry that you’re only a virgin, KardASHLEY. Dem’s the pits.

Tune in next week to see an ambulance arrive and Kelsey pop up from the floor to admit she was just practicing a scene from Gone with the Wind. KardASHLEY cries some more and will we EVER find out who the hell Samantha is? Seriously, is this common for someone who’s never spoken to be kept around for this many weeks? Feel free to chime in on that.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- “Tractor Race”

Remember how we had SUCH a cliffhanger last week when Kimberly the yoga instructor got all emosh and rolled back up to Chris and asked to talk? Well she blubbered out to him that they never got a chance to talk and that’s not how she would like this to end. Obviously all the girls who just received roses were really sympathetic to Kimberly and supportive of her decision to come back in. Just kidding, they talked shit the entire time and made her feel as unwelcome as possible. Chris feels bad because Kimberly is crying a lot and he asks Chris Harrison if it’s kosher to throw her a bone and let her come back for a second chance. Chris Harrison is like yeah the more brunettes that look exactly the same, the better…or something like that. And Kimberly the yoga instructor has effectively clawed her way back into the group.

The girls get their first group date invite and Chris showers outside in their driveway because PLOT TWIST: he lives in their driveway. The first date is a pool party and Chris shows up in a hooded sweatshirt unzipped at the top to show his pecs and I choke back vomit.

They play a healthy game of chicken fight where four girls are forced to team up and it’s clear that Chris hates them, then they parade through Hollywood in their bikinis to get to the “country” part of the date, a tractor race. While the most boring date in America is going down, Megan the makeup artist and Jillian the gym rat who apparently has her asshole hanging out because it’s blurred, sneak into Chris’s house…it’s UNLOCKED. They climb all over his motorcycle and Megan tries on his helmet and then runs around the house smacking her head into shit. I hope for her sake that she was day drinking and this isn’t one of her favorite pastimes.

Kardashian lookalike who is very well aware that she’s a Kardashian lookalike, Ashley wins the tractor race and gets some one on one time to sit in Chris’s lap atop a tractor and probably talk about makeup and selfies. Then Chris returns to the group and delivers his first shocking decision of the night when he picks Mackenzie for a one on one date. The girls justify this irrational decision by saying that Chris is just trying to make everyone feel like they have a fair chance even though they’ve all accepted that Mackenzie is the dud of the group who not coincidentally is also wearing overalls. Mackenzie exemplifies everything you should never do on a first date. First she calls out Chris for having having his ear pierced at one point. SPOT BLOWN UP. Chris lost many cool points for that one. She says she’s super observant of creepy things and now we all know she’s a serial killer. Then she tells Chris he has a big shnozz and that’s apparently her fetish. He’s offended and she pisses her pants because she thinks she’s so funny and backtracks and says it’s “prominent” not “big.” Then she brings up aliens quickly followed by “I haven’t been on a date in a LOOOOOOONG time.” It’s cause she has a son named Kale, she word vomits all onto Chris. He quickly wipes it up, clearly looks uncomfy and tells her he’s not scared of kids and they slow dance and kiss. Also she gets a rose. Mackenzie pulls out a small notepad and tallies all of her kisses with Chris that she later recounts for all the ladies who are wearing harsh fake smiles.

Second One on One Date with Megan the makeup artist.

Megan gets a one on one date with Chris despite the fact that she ran around his house ramming her head into hard surfaces. I have enough faith that if Chris saw that beforehand he would’ve opted out on the date, but that faith was crushed quickly with all of Chris’s poor decisions last night. Megan leaves for their date with her hair done up for the Oscars and an outfit that I definitely wore to an 8th grade dance, a pink wife beater and jeans. She clearly got tired after curling her hair and pulled a shirt out of her PJ drawer. Way to class it up for your future husband, girl. Megan & Chris are treated to a helicopter ride above the desert, the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. Chris took Mackenzie to a local pub and flew Megan across the Grand Canyon and landed for an intimate picnic. Bet Mackenzie’s ripping up her tallied kisses watching Chris dump all over their shitty date with this romantic outing. Megan squeezes Chris’s hand the whole time and I can’t help but be concerned for his circulation. On their picnic, Megan casually tells the story of how her being here happened so fast that slowly dwindled into her telling Chris that her Dad died. Apparently an award-winning storyteller, Megan leaves that part until the end and instead leads on a detail by detail telling of her dad’s whereabouts when he had a heart attack, what machinery the paramedics used on him, what his blood pressure was and what color sheets he had in his hospital room before she finally says that he passed away. Chris pretends to listen intently through all of this and is more likely going through everything he has eaten that day in his mind. He gives her a rose before she can tell him what suit her dad was buried in. They make out, obvs.

Second Group Date-Til Death Do Us Part

The girls are driven to an abandoned warehouse, a zombie scares them in the limo and they all get the physically closest they will ever be. Chris comes into the limo and everyone screeches and Kelsey cackles and suddenly I hate her just for one laugh. The date consists of shooting Zombies and then finding the beacon of light, video game style. Onion Pomegranate wants to shoot her teammates and everyone is concerned for her having a firearm, as they should be. There’s so much screaming it was like being in a bar with a bunch of woo girls. Onion Pomegranate (OP for short) is shooting zombies who are already dead, just further confirming that she’s unhinged. Then she goes off into OP land and starts rambling about angels and a big boom. Everyone tries way too hard to understand her when they should be ignoring her. Then OP sneaks up on Chris and he treats her like a mental patient who has escaped the psych ward, asking her several times in a slow enunciated tone if she’s okay. She’s not sure what planet she’s on so the producer that is on stand-by in case she slits Chris’s throat drops onion pieces to lead her to bed for the night.

Once the crazy has been tucked in, Britt and Chris share a moment where Britt reiterates that she thinks Chris is her boyfriend and he responds by giving her a coupon for a free kiss. Cause like free displays of affection are an inside joke for them, or Britt’s actual career but whatever. Katelynn and Chris also have some one on one time where Katelynn reveals that she recently dated someone who moved a lot and she decided that she didn’t want to put her life on hold for a guy again…so she promptly put her life on hold for a guy when she joined the Bachelor cast. Makes sense. Katelynn gets the rose and Britt cries herself to sleep because her boyfriend is cheating on her.

Group Social

The betches all gather again in cheap club dresses to edge more time in with Chris before he makes his rose decisions for the night. Whitney surprises Chris with a bottle of liquor, she not so discreetly reminds Chris that her brother in law is from Iowa and gives a toast that’s way too long for someone with an ear shattering voice. KardASHLEY tells Mackenzie she’s a virgin and has never had a boyfriend, Mackenzie is SUUUUUPER jelly and won’t let it go–Probably because a kid walked out of her vagina at the ripe age of 20. KardASHLEY feels the need to see Chris again and let him know that although she hasn’t had sex she can still do OTHER things (wink), she shows Chris her belly button ring with a magic lamp charm and Chris gets three wishes on her trashy piece of jewelry from Spencer Gifts. Chris wishes he could kiss her and has to rub her magic lamp. (That’s the first sentence that I didn’t exaggerate and I wish that I did.) She’s an eat your face kind of kisser and it looks real messy. My money’s on a sex tape before the end of this year from KardASHLEY, for obvious reasons.

Britt may have been the only one who got a written note with Free Kiss, but the rest of the ladies hopped right on that train as Chris tongued every girl in the house. But he’s looking for THE ONE, so it’s okay guys. Jordan the sloppy drunk student wants in on that big spit swap orgy and fixes her lipstick, downs another shot then hits him up for a makeout. She’s this week’s slob kebab and makes everything awkward and then announces that it’s awkward because that’s the quickest way to make it 1000x worse. This is the first time I see Chris turn down a smooch.

Rose Ceremony:

Mackenzie, Megan and Katelynn have roses from before, Britt & KardASHLEY are called next (cause he obviously has them pegged to be polite, chaste ladies who wait until marriage…just kidding these are all the easiest biddies and Prince Farming has some fantasy suite plans in the works). He calls out to Juelia and Jillian/Man Shoulders starts walking. He firmly repeats that he called Juelia and Jillian catches her 6 inch stiletto from Deb on the carpet and almost wipes out. She recovers smoothly by laughing like a maniac while everyone covers their eyes and reveals that if they were her they’d probably just kill themselves. Unfortunately she is also given a rose later on after he makes her sweat it out and question why she ever is allowed out in public. The last person that I recall getting a rose is OP and it literally disgusts me to have to type this. Our very own Prince Farming picked the girl who has multiple personalities and probably mixes vicodin with her gin and tonics every night… clearly just for ratings. If she isn’t out by next week I will sincerely be disappointed in this hunk of man meat.

Tara, Alissa, Jordan, Kimberly are sent home for sure. THE REST IS A BLUR.

Cringeworthy Moment(s) of the Week:

Juelia shares that she has a daughter, Ireland and was married to Ireland’s dad. She then reveals to these women that she doesn’t know at all and are looking for weaknesses to undercut her, that her husband committed suicide right after she had the baby. Juelia is all tears and just wants to find the right moment to unload this all on Chris who will most definitely handle it really well. Samantha the fashion designer stares at Juelia and puts a limp hand on her shoulder to comfort the sobbing girl. And it just felt genuine, you know? Coming in at a close second for most cringeworthy moment is Jordan getting sloppy drunk, twerking on the wall and then going on a tyrant about Jillian’s hairy ass, which makes me wonder how often these girls have seen each other naked in the two days they’ve lived together.

Best Quotes of the Week:

“I know what he means by show me your country and he’s gonna see it” -Tara, most likely referring to the bottle of Jim Beam she has stashed in her bikini top. Girl never rides a tractor without Jim.

“I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”-Megan before her date with Chris and also a not so subtle hint at how she would like her first date with Chris to end. HEYYOOO. K that was dirty. Sorry. Not.

“The most beautiful blue eyes in North America.”-Chris to Megan at their Grand Canyon picnic. He quickly backtracked and was like I mean California, I mean in this Canyon. SMOOOTH lines, Corn Boy.

“Your leather smells really great.”-OP/Ashley S. right before she cut a chunk of Chris’s leather jacket with her switchblade and put it in her secret box underneath her bed full of cat fur and pomegranates.

“We’re all talking about having the same boyfriend.”-Britt as she cries about her boyfriend cheating on her and giving out MAD free kisses.

“I’m never anybody’s number one”-Tara right after she was DUMPED by Chris. Girl, you’ll always have Jim Jack and Johnny. And your sport fishing career.

That’s it for this week! I look forward to more tonsil hockey and monitoring of Ashley S’s meds next week. Until then I leave you with the best picture Google has ever given me for a blog.

Television

The Bachelor Season 19 Premiere

An open h8er of The Bachelor I never thought I would see the day where I was willingly watching a season. Then I realized that I could recap the insanity for all my Bachelor-lovin’ friends and turn it into pure lawls. So here we are with a new weekly TV Recap. Follow me on this journey as Prince Farming, Chris Soules finds his milk maid. (Yes, I did write that myself, but it is only a matter of minutes before ABC trademarks it because the first 5 minutes of the premiere were FULL of cheesy farm cliches equally as cringeworthy as that one.)

Our farmtastic bachelor has a lovely montage to open up the show and so that we can see how many times he can talk about his crops or stare at them longingly from his motorcycle. Two minutes into the episode and he’s tearing up after he just rolled in badass style on his Harley, Chris was already showing us the gamut of emotions that he holds inside. “Love…is a lot like farming…” he muses as he eats the corn from his field and wonders if he’ll finally find someone to feed his chickens. After a little souleful Chris (see what I did there?), he shows us his rugged side by having ABC send a personal trainer all the way out to Iowa so that he can watch Chris do pushups on haystacks and talk about his regular farm workout regimen. Then he throws on some aviators, rides into the dust (should his motorcycle be ridden so closely to his crops? seems dangerous) to the soundtrack of badass music, on his way to find his woman. Once he arrives in LA we learn that Chris is scared of traffic and clothes and stuff cause he’s just a down home farmer. “I wish I was harvesting corn instead of getting fitted for a three piece suit.” Getting dressed is exhausting, he tells us. Apparently getting undressed is not because we got an obligatory shower scene, and damn have those hay pushups really been working. He’s ready to meet his biddies in waiting now…

Let’s meet Chris’s potential co-harvesters:

Britt-Waitress from Hollywood. She didn’t have sex in her last relationship and clearly misses it, she calls herself a “feeler, for sure” and gives out free hugs on Hollwood Blvd. to strangers. This all was enough to creep me out, but apparently Farmer Chris was on a whole different page than me. Britt gets out of the limo and gives Chris an excrutiatingly long hug and then slips him a coupon for a free hug…for later obvs. When they have some one on one time later they–wait for it–hug. And then Britt tells Chris that she can be his safe haven and they have an almost kiss where they really just stare at each other for a couple minutes. At the end of the night Britt receives the first impression rose saving her from elimination and also Chris follows up the rose with a steamy makeout sesh that was a liiiiittle aggress. Britt makes it more aggress by revealing it feels like she’s kissing her boyfriend. Pump the brakes, gurl. How did they part? With a hug. Duh.

Jillian- News Producer. She gyms real hard in neon tanks and also cheers in front of the monuments of DC. She exits the limo and goes for the tough girl act with Chris. Jillian grabs his muscles and then flexes for him and probably threatened to beat him up or something.

Amanda- Ballet Instructor. Amanda lives at home and is lazy AF, her mom has her fingers crossed she marries this bitch off so she stops free-loading. Amanda chooses the weird meeting route and in the long run it’s a big fail. She slips Chris a note to close his eyes and sneaks up on him from behind to be his “secret admirer” except that when he comes looking for the secret admirer she admits it’s her right away. He really worked for that. She has a set of REAL hard crazy eyes and the cameraman zoomed right in on those bad boys forcing some nightmares at me. No worries though she’s gone–No rose for the crazy eyes.

Whitney- Fertility Nurse, Chicago. Has a whiny nasally voice that makes me want to break my ears off, wants kids STAT, will 100% be the contestant to switch out her birth control and pull a pregnancy trap. Whitney is SUPES outgoing and doesn’t let Chris get a word in edgewise, which is fine because while she’s talking she’s already planning what their children will look like. They have PG talk about sex and it’s lame and boring.

MacKenzie-Dental Assistant. Teen mom who prefers hanging with a one year old than anyone else (read: no friends), wants a dad for her illegitimate son. Doesn’t know what alfalfa is. AND YET STILL GETS A ROSE.

Alissa- Flight Attendant. Compares love to flying WAY too much and talks about nothing else. I was convinced she would redeem herself and then her gimmick when meeting Chris was keeping him safe with an ACTUAL airplane seatbelt that she ACTUALLY strapped on him. Cut the shit Alissa, we GET that you’re a flight attendant but not everything has a correlating airplane metaphor. Brace yourself for more to come because she made it through the cut.

Kelsey- School Counselor Austin TX. Freshly widowed, suuuuper athletic, otherwise boring. Does not stand out to me at all except for maybe being an actual normal person, but she makes the cut anyway.

Kaitlyn- Dance Instructor. Meets Chris and immediately tells him “you can plow the F out of my field any day.” He has the uncomfies and then she picks some shit off of his face makes a crazy jealous gf joke and is off to the races for being the inapprops one. Since her schtick is telling off color jokes, she bangs one out to the crowd of prissy, judgmental girls with Chris and of course one girl doesn’t even get it. Hot crowd. Kaitlyn uses her one on one time with Chris to teach him how to break dance in some comfy yoga pants under her dress and I’m glad we’re keeping her around because we need her to stir shit up.

Megan- Makeup things…that’s all I’ve got for Megan. I don’t even remember her if we’re being honest.

Ashley- Hair Stylist. Her hair looks sexy pushed back. Just kidding, it doesn’t look sexy but it’s pushed back and I wish that it wasn’t. Ashley is the crazy bitch who keeps babbling about onions and tells the WWE wrestler to get lost when she’s talking to Chris. Also rips a pomegranate out of the bushes. Yet she still gets a rose………….

Trina- Special Ed Teacher. Again, I got nothin.

Reegan- Tissue Specialist. This weirdo talks about how she has this great job touching human tissue and stuff and brings Chris a fake heart in a cooler to be like HAHA I’m funny smart and cute wink, wink. And he’s like HAHA that was none of the above- WINK, WINK….and she’s gone.

Tara-Sport Fishing. Tara is our resident hick who shows up in cutoff jorts, plaid shirt and cowboy boots and tells Chris this is who I am so suck on that. She then enters the room of bitches, gets one dirty look and suddenly she cares what everyone thinks and throws on a dress and some wedges to sneak back out and make a better impression. Nailed it. Tara more than made up for her weird double intro by throwing back whiskey all night. Once the rose ceremony rolls around, Tara clearly has the spins and can’t hold her shit together but RIGHT before she boots and passes out, she gets a rose. WUT.

Tandra- Executive Assistant. Tandra rides in on a motorcycle and tries to be badass and cool and stuff and makes a crack about riding on the highway in it even though she entered from stage left and probably wheeled it in. That’s all we need to know about her for now. I can’t even remember if she got a rose or not. Clearly it’s not important.

Jordan- Student. Jordan rolls out of the limo with a nip of Whiskey because she heard it’s Chris’s favorite liquor and they toss it back together. I respect the hell out of this and any one who brought me liquor at the first meeting would get the first impression rose without hesitation…to hell with free hugs, gimme the juice.

Nicole-Real Estate. Nicole debuted with a pig nose on her face to be all tongue and cheek about farm animals but couldn’t hold her ground and got really self-conscious that Chris would actually think she’s an ugly fat pig and so she took it off immeidately and overcompensated by saying I REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS. DON’T WORRY I’M NOT ACTUALLY A PIG, CHRIS!!!! And he said bai when he did not rose her.

Brittany-WWE Wrestler. Brittany showed up in lingerie with a sign that said #soulesmates? Too much. She also didn’t get too much time to chit chat with Chris before girl who shall forever be known as onion pomegranate stole her thunder.

Carly-Cruise Ship Singer. Aaaaaand the most woof entrance award goes to Carly. Wearing a bad 80’s wedding dress or something and carrying a pink karaoke machine, she sang about meeting Chris, as she was meeting Chris. It was bad and awkward and I had to cover my eyes and ears at one point and YET she got a rose.

Tracy-Fourth Grade Teacher. Tracy pulled out the big guns to make Chris remember her…she used her students being cute kids. They wrote notes to Chris about why he should pick her and awww don’t kids say the darndest things that their teacher obviously told them to write so she could get a husband? She also talks about becoming a cat lady in their one on one. She makes it on through.

Bo-Plus Sized Model. Bo talks about how she loves eating and stuff because she’s a plus sized model. Oh…and she was axed.

Amber-Bartender.

Ashley-Nanny. I don’t remember this girl speaking once but she’s basically a Kardashian so she’ll either marry Chris or get a reality show out of it.

Becca-Chiropractic Assistant

Jade-Cosmetics Specialist. Has two kids. WOOF. I guess Chris is into the daddy thing because he kept both mom’s.

Juelia- Estetician. From a REAL Julia, this is an outrageous way to spell our name and I can only hope this bitch doesn’t make it more than 3 episodes because I refuse to type that out.

Kara-Soccer Coach. CUT.

Kimberly- Yoga Instructor. Didn’t hear a peep from her all night (i’m assuming…it’s all a blur now) once she gets axed, she talks about how undeserving this is and then goes back in all teary asking to speak to Chris. CLIFFHANGER…WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

Michelle-Wedding Cake Decorator.

Nikki- Former NFL Cheerleader. Key word=former.

Samantha-Fashion Designer. Nothing really needs to be said about this chick. She’s a fashion designer living in LA, she’s for sure not going to move to Iowa to live on a farm. He’ll probably send her packing after he gets some.

You’ll notice that not all of these women have deets and that’s because I have never had a more difficult time trying to keep track of a bunch of biddies. They all look alike and say stupid shit, the good news is that there were some that were already sent home so we don’t need to know things about them, thank God. There was A LOT of drama halfway through the THREE HOURS that this show took from my life when the ladies and Chris thought that there might only be 15 contestants and every single one of them WOULDN’T stop asking about it. Then Chris Harrison announces that the BIG surprise is there are MORE limos! WHAT A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T READ THE CAST LIST BEFORE THE SHOW STARTED OR ANYTHING. Nice try, Chris Harrison, nice try. Anyway fingers crossed I can keep track better once we start cutting the fat, I’m obviously referring to slob kebab Tara and onion pomegranate who should be the first to go. Will Chris do more macking and free hugging with Britt next week? Will I ever be able to differentiate between the remaining brunettes? Stay tuned to find out!

The Salty Ju

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The Bachelor Season 19 Premiere