Winter Watch List

My seasonal sads have hit an all-time high. Bad news for me, great news for all of you because I’m about to download every piece of entertainment I’ve consumed in my several weeks of couch rotting. If you have a well-rounded work and social life, and therefore don’t have time to keep up with all of the streaming services releasing movies and series each week, I GOTCHU. I’ll give you a brief (as brief as I can be) description of each title and why you should or should not waste your time and then you can make your own decisions like a grown-up. I am simply the messenger. And the harshest of critics, obviously.

SKIP

Torching 2024: A Roast of the Year – Netflix

They let Roastmaster Jeff Ross gather up his gang of buddies and do a roast of the Year 2024 on Netflix. It was incredibly bad. Save yourself from this random collection of comedians making mid jokes about people we’re already tired of hearing about. Netflix tried to ride that Brady roast magic with like 1/4 of the talent, and it showed. Extra cringe for comedian Tim Dillon doing an entire bit as the dead healthcare CEO. You know, the one who was brutally murdered in broad daylight and everyone was like good for that babe soda who offed him, hope he gets away with it because his mugshot ate and left no crumbs. Our society is so f*cked.

Paris & Nicole: The Encore – Peacock

It pains my sweet, sweet, nostalgic millennial heart to declare this a fail but holy crap it was. I cannot even begin to describe what a canon event of my youth it was to watch Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton not only create reality TV, but interact with poors on camera. When I heard the promos that they were making a comeback as adults, I was foaming at the mouth to see what they’d cook up. Nothing. The answer is nothing. They did way too many episodes with 0 storyline. The “premise” was that they wanted to create an opera based on their made-up song Sanasa. Getting through this and not wanting to blow my brains out every time they sang Sanasa (9 million times) was honestly a Christmas miracle. Guess I’ll go back to getting my Hilton fix through Kathy driving around Bev Hills in a bucket hat to invite the ladies on a girls trip via suitcase.

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It Ends With Us – Netflix

If you’re wondering what the movie that has created the MOST controversy amongst its cast was like, the answer is a swift BAD. Would they have needed to make this much of a stink if this movie was actually good? Probs not. I’ll preface this review by saying I read both books, so I wasn’t going in blind to the story. If you’re not as well-read as me (you uncultured swine), you might possibly still be able to stomach this movie. But from someone who knew the story, this movie did not do it justice. Here are my biggest gripes: 1. As with most books turned into movies, they had no time to include all of the details. This felt like the story was set to Fast Forward. As a viewer, I had no time to process anything that was happening because we were just zooming through things that needed to simmer or be explained. I felt like half the movie was montages. 2. What the ACTUAL HELL WAS WARDROBE THINKING?! I have never in my life seen a more horrific collection of outfits than I did with Blake’s character Lily. Her hair was MASSIVE. Like comically big for a white woman. And for whatever reason (with no attachment to what her character was actually like) she dressed like a bag lady sponsored by Carhartt. She’d have on a crop and weird baggy pants and then drop an oversized men’s khaki Carhartt over the top. Each outfit was more horrific than the last and honestly I may never recover from what my eyes were subjected to.

Your Friend, Nate Bargatze – Netflix

Nate is one of my favorite comedians and I do give extra credit to comedians who consistently come up with funny, CLEAN material. This is his 4th special and gotta be honest, it fell kinda flat for me. Obviously there were still moments where I laughed, but I definitely remember laughing more in his other Netflix specials (and his one on Amazon.) Comedy is subjective, and as far as comedians go, Nate is a great pick for standups that are widely appreciated and family friendly, so I’ll leave it up to you if you want to check it out, but also maybe just hit them all up. Do a quadruple feature of Nate whenever you’re in need of the HaHa’s.

Carry On-Netflix

Ok so this movie wasn’t BAD, it was just too damn stressful for me. I don’t think my heart stopped racing until a full hour after it ended. So, not really the top pick for when you want to unwind after a stressful Christmas and just rot mindlessly on the couch. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Jason Bateman is the GOAT of using sarcasm perfectly even in a role where he’s basically a terrorist. My dude can make any character likeable. Other than that, we’ve got a real mod podge of kinda shitty actors rounding out the cast. Definitely lots of suspending belief in this high-paced thriller, but again, if you’d like to check if your ticker still works, give this one a go. Also, don’t watch if you already have anxiety about flying…cause this will FOR SURE ratchet that up another notch.

Laid – Peacock

This is a new original dark comedy series on Peacock and so far there’s just one season, 8 episodes. It’s one of those shows where the lead is messy and you’re supposed to root for her anyway. I didn’t. I wanted bad shit to keep happening to her narcissistic ass. The series follows Ruby as she quickly learns that her exes are all dying and her bestie teams up with her to find out why. Girl has a body count higher than Britani’s hair suggests. This joke will only land with viewers of Real Housewives of SLC, and yet I still needed to make it. It honestly got hard to watch someone who sucks so bad, somehow have landed that many men and continue to reel in even more hotties. Of course season 1 ended on a cliffhanger and for a second I debated getting sucked in whenever it eventually gets renewed. BUT NO. I will stand strong.

Girls Gone Wild: The Untold Story – Peacock

We all know what Girls Gone Wild is. Some of you pervs know better than others. This is a three part series breaking down the rise of Girls Gone Wild and the downfall of Joe Francis, who has been hiding out in Mexico for like 5 years now. I got excited when it declared that Joe Francis himself agreed to be interviewed for this doc, until in the first few minutes they shared that he only allowed audio recording and a few pictures. Um, why are we making visual content out of an audio interview? RELEASE IT AS A PODCAST, DUMMIES. I have very little patience for documentaries that don’t have anything for my eyes to consume. This happens a lot with true crime docs as they physically don’t have footage of what they’re talking about half the time and being forced to look at the same pictures, scenic shots, or even worse, REENACTMENTS is truly a punishment for viewers. They were able to add in interviews with other people and of course, a whole bunch of girlies flashing their blurred titties to cover the fact that they couldn’t show the man actually talking, but it definitely got irritating. I definitely don’t think this is must-watch material. If you’d like the quick and dirty summary of the message it’s this: Joe Francis is a piece of shit, and also a pathological liar. Pretty much all of the girls who participated in his porn were coerced to do so, and a very large sampling of them were underaged. He traumatized too many women to count and also believes he is in fact, the victim.

Sweethearts – Max

I fell for this one. It was the ole bait & switch trailer. I laughed a few times at the trailer and it seemed like this was a story about two besties ditching their high school partners for each other. About 30 minutes into this flick, I realized I was sold a bag of shit and that’s not at all what the movie was about and also it was terribly unfunny. It was a cross between a movie that takes place all in one night with a bunch of stupid hijinks that derail them (not at all what was advertised) and like a heavy “it’s ok to be gay” coming out storyline with a character that was briefly in the trailer. Total bomb. Which is a bummer because y’all know how I like a teen flick. Two thumbs down.

Martha – Netflix

We’re going back to Oct for this one, and I did actually enjoy it, but I also felt like it was kind of boring. For people who aren’t used to watching docs or aren’t actually interested in Martha Stewart’s story, this can definitely be skipped. I grew up in prison-era Martha and that’s why I found it interesting. I never knew how she got started and it was very cool to see that she was literally being an influencer in the 90’s. Homegirl paved the way for these lil hoochies selling a lifestyle on Instagram. I also am always fascinated by people who can evolve their careers like she did post-scandal. Her attending Bieber’s roast and having a whole second life of her career with Snoop Dogg was kind of a happy accident. She didn’t realize that roasts poke fun at the roasters as well and kind of went in blind and still killed it. Then she got a contact high from Snoop and became besties with him. Martha is a dry, monotone icon and naturally she created this doc so there wasn’t going to be anything scandalous revealed as she’s still going to tell her story as if it was perfectly perfect. Also, we may never know if she actually got an illegal stock tip but I’m choosing to believe she was framed because she was like the richest woman in biz at that time and everyone was foaming at the mouth to see her fall.

WATCH

Shrinking Season 2 – Apple TV

Shrinking dropped season 2 this fall and if you’re not already watching it, get on board and catch up. It’s about a bunch of therapists and their group of friends who are all nuts in their own lovable ways. There’s a million things I love about this show, so I’m going to list some of them. It normalizes therapy, teaching some of the common practices that therapists use, showing great communication, while at the same time shining the light that therapists are JUST as messy as their patients. It’s a phenomenal model of unconditional love and accepting people for who they are, while also lovingly pushing them to be better people. It has that thing that I’m ALWAYS jealous of in shows where a circle of best friends becomes family because I’ve certainly never had that happen in real life, so I enjoy watching it green with envy. It dives into the complexity of grief and all of the different ways people cope with losing someone. And lastly, it’s equal parts funny and gut-wrenching. After finishing season 2 in one day (mostly because I’m cheap and refused to get Apple again so I just used a free weekend to catch up on this gem) I can honestly say I cried just as much as I laughed. And I think each character made me do both. That’s range, baby. And I’m putting it out into the universe that I want a Derek.

Missing You – Netflix

Netflix’s latest adaptation of a Harlan Coben novel, these series are very watch, rinse, repeat detective dramas. I mean, they even use the same British ambiguously hot and mysterious actor in each series. So I’d like to get ahead of the haters and say that the quality of this one is pretty subpar, think Lifetime movie on Netflix, but for me, personally, it scratched my lil thriller itch. Each time I go to the library I take out a chick lit book where two friends fake a marriage and fall in love, and a book with a dark cover titled some variation of The Woman Upstairs. I think you get my point, I like a little trash here and there and this was intriguing enough that I finished it in one sitting. Shocking, I know. If you’d like to watch a detective find out who killed her cop dad while simultaneously trying to solve a couple missing persons cases, and also don’t get squeamish at people literally being held as prisoners in horse stalls on a creepy farm, then you will also whip through this bad boy.

No Good Deed – Netflix

A fun mixture of comedy and whodunnit, this one surprised me. Once you get past all of the weird artistic ‘through the pipes’ shots that they keep shoving down your throats, I guess to unsettle the viewer, you can enjoy this multi-story shitshow. This is a loaded cast and it was fun to bounce around to all the different storylines and see how they all intersected in the end. 8 episodes long, it unravels a family trauma that occurred to main couple Paul and Lydia as they put their house on the market and a bunch of other couples sniff around trying to buy it. Another show that had me both tearing up and giggling. We love an emotional rollercoaster. s/o to Linda Cardellini for putting a clinic on shoving her rock hard boobs into every situation in this show.

I’m Tim – Netflix

Spoiler alert: world famous DJ and producer Avicii died in 2018. So please go into this doc knowing that it does not have a happy ending. Unfortunately, he joined the 28 club and although it’s not the main focus of the story they told, he did struggle with addiction and in the end took his own life. Now I’m going to make this doc about me, as I’m known to do. I was there for the rise of Avicii and boy was it a magical time. His music was upbeat catchy electronic pop and coincided perfectly with my college partying years. Although I was VERY fuzzy on the deets at the time, Levels got big around my junior year of college and you couldn’t go to a party or a bar without that song bringing the house down. I went to an actual rave called the Barstool Blackout, and took the term blackout quite literally, but I still know that I moshed my face off in a sea of neon to the beat dropping on Levels. It looked kinda like this.

Ok, now for everyone over the age of 35, here’s why this was a cool doc: it explains a genre of music that I’ve never understood. People who mix sounds or make beats and tour as DJ’s is a real lost art to me. I’m super judgmental and I’m not afraid to admit I’ve scoffed at people getting paid tons of money to push buttons on a laptop. This doc had a TON of behind the scenes footage of Avicii working and it turns out he was a legit musical genius. It showed how he created a song and then when his sound evolved to include more live music and collaborations, you got to see him working with some of the biggest names in music and everyone was blown away by his talent. He was one of those freaks who could just picture songs in his head and know what worked and what made music sound good. And that for me, was very interesting to watch. So even if you’re a DJ hater like me, if you like music and are intrigued by the process of making music, watch Avicii get in the lab and COOK. Now excuse me while I smash play on my Avicii spotify playlist and relive my glory days of Jersey turnpikin at the clerb.

English Teacher – FX/Hulu

There have been a few wacky series through the years about teachers, one of them literally being called teachers, and I eat that shit up. People who spend every day with children? Friggin saints. So I very much appreciate any series that shows the sarcastic, wild side of teachers. Bonus points for portraying teachers around my age making fun of the youths these days and their stupid phrases. Anyway, the show follows openly gay Evan and his group of teacher besties in Texas. Sure, political stuff gets addressed but in an entertaining and fun way. My favorite part has nothing to do with the show at all but I’ll enlighten all of you TikTok virgins on the lore. Brian Jordan Alvarez is the creator & lead of the show and in order to promote it in the fall, he did one stupid TikTok dance trend that’s actually audio from Gilmore Girls, and then he kept doing it. And then never stopped. For literally every day since this show hit Hulu, Brian Jordan Alvarez has been doing the “I love your daughter” dance and people (me included) watch every single one. All the girlies wish he was straight every time he lifts that leg for “good lovin daily.” (There are currently 82 of these videos, which could make for a real wild Friday night for a single gal. I’m not here to judge. You’re welcome.)

@brianjordanalvarez
Stream English Teacher on Hulu
♬ afilmbykirk – ꫂ ၴႅၴ

Glitter and Greed: The Lisa Frank Documentary – Amazon Prime

This is for my fellow 90’s girlies who Lisa Frank’s rainbow dolphins and leopards had an absolute chokehold over. Not to spoil it but Lisa Frank is a total dick. Only watch this 4 part doc if you’re willing to let your childhood crumble before your very eyes. Lisa refused to participate, and from what it sounds like, she’ll probably end up suing whoever made this because that’s her favorite pastime. Sure, every doc has a bias and you take all the information presented with a grain of salt (I never do, I believe whatever viewpoint is presented to me) but when you have your own son saying how awful you are, as well as all of your former employees and also some people you’ve bankrupted as business partners? Probs true. Should’ve realized what kind of monster ran our childhood back in 2021 when my sister and I discovered the Lisa Frank website is still up and running and sells subpar merch at high end designer prices. Also, not for nothing, but people who refuse to be photographed are shady as hell. BIG RED FLAG.

https://x.com/TheSaltyJu/status/1414770014822060034

The Comeback: 2004 Boston Red Sox – Netflix

Also going back to the fall for this one but I loved this doc. I’m not a Red Sox fan and I was a fairweather Yankee fan throughout my childhood because, Jeets, duh. Once he retired it was like who even cares if I can’t peep Cap’s thicc baseball booty getting into a nice squat to scoop up a grounder. Obv I was aware of the Red Sox curse and big Yanks/Sox rivalry and I did live in Boston for a brief period of time, but I wasn’t locked in during their comeback and I definitely didn’t know deets. So this was all brand new information for me and I got to watch it on the edge of my seat. The Sox had some real characters on the ’04 team and I loved hearing their accounts, PLUS watching a bunch of grown baseball players pointedly throw balls at each other and literally have full-on brawls on the field was epic. God, baseball has gotten so soft. I can say that because I’m such a hardcore baseball fan now. Anyway, if you enjoy romanticizing the game of baseball, this was an awesome representation of a real Cinderella story. Kinda lame as shit that neither A-Rod or Jeets were willing to participate because hearing their loser point of views would’ve been AWESOME.

Juror # 2 – Max

Right at the buzzer, banged this one out last night. A juror is on trial for a murder and realizes he actually was the one who killed the girl in a hit and run that he swore was a deer. This is a Clint Eastwood flick, so you know it’s legit and also will that man ever stop working?! HE IS 94 YEARS OLD. Damn. Anyway, it was a good story and shows you all of the dualities of people and a real moral struggle of doing the right thing or doing the easy thing by tossing a guy with a neck tattoo in the slammer for a crime he def didn’t commit. Anytime I watch any sort of fictional jury sitch, it further confirms that putting 12 strangers in a room together to decide someone’s fate is legit a socially anxious girlie’s NIGHTMARE. They always end up coming at each other and if I’m ever called for jury duty (I just knocked wood that they’ll never pin me down) I will definitely crap my pants.

Mr. McMahon – Netflix

Listen, if there’s a 90’s pop culture doc, I’m gonna get all up IN IT. I’m a female, and was raised in a house where the female ratio was 4:1 so I think it’s clear I never saw a damn second of WWF/WWE growing up. On the other hand, I dated a boy (humblebrag) who was raised in a house where the male ratio was 6:1 and he used to regale me with tales of clearing out the living room and suplexing the shit out of his brothers. So I definitely understand the influence of wrestling in our younger years, but I missed the boat on learning about it because I was raised on Mister Rogers and that clown doing stretches on The Big Comfy Couch. That’s why I try to watch catch docs on former wrestlers and was very intrigued to see what the man who created it all had to say for himself. Well, shocking to no one, a white man with lots of power and money who built an entire empire, was, indeed, problematic (to say the least.)

Before this documentary was even released, Vince finally got forced out of the WWE because of all the assault lawsuits he had been collecting through the years. Since he’s interviewed and involved with this doc, that topic is heavily hinted at, but it’s not a big takedown, per say. It’s SUPER long, so don’t commit unless you’re a fiend for gossip like I am, but as someone who never knew the WWE world, I found it incredibly fascinating. The characters, the storylines, the SHIT THEY GOT AWAY WITH PUTTING ON TELEVISION. I mean, people literally died in the arena and then they just continued with the show. Vince’s family were all involved and the horrifying storylines they played out for entertainment, my God would a therapist have a field day with this fam. I couldn’t look away. And the attitude era?! Shit, the 90’s were cool.

My Old Ass – Amazon Prime

This movie hit me right in the feels and I am not ashamed to say I cried. Probably a little too hard, but proud to reveal that I cry less often now so letting it rip in the sad part of a movie is so emotionally mature of me, honestly. On Elliott’s 18th birthday, she gets super high and manages to meet her 39 year old self, who then becomes her guide to her last summer at home before moving away for college. To get ahead of it, I’ve famously shit on movies that rely heavily on drug/hallucination scenes. I’m not a fan of watching other people trip balls, and I especially hate it when they show us what they’re seeing and I’m just a regular square sitting on my couch watching a screen full of distorted voices and colors. I don’t do drugs for a reason, don’t make me enter an alternate reality with none of the good feelings. Now that I’ve gotten that gripe out, I will say there’s minimal tripping scenes, and one of them is pure Justin Bieber comedy, so it was tastefully done. They obviously just needed a vehicle to bring together future and present without making it seem like Disney magic.

The message of this movie is deep as hell and I urge everyone to give it a whirl. It’s the age old question of if you could, would you want to go back in time and do things differently? We always see our younger selves as being dumb and naive, but the way this story spun that theory and made you think maybe having those qualities are what makes us able to be free and fearless and live life to the fullest was so precious to watch. See? Poetic. And I didn’t even have to eat shrooms to get all that out of this movie. This movie was a great reminder to cherish time with people you love and live in the moment. It also made me feel less sad about still being single because future Elliott was 39 and still didn’t have a mans! If I visited younger Ju in a Four Loko drunken haze at Marist College, I’d tell her to do everything exactly the same because I’m a famous writer now. Hey, I heard that! Being published on the internet makes you famous, duh. 🙄

Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2024 Edition

I’m nothing if not transparent with you and although up until this point I’ve vehemently enforced the ‘no Christmas movies or decorations before Thanksgiving’ code of conduct, this is the year that I caved. I decorated and started movie binging November 24th. To be fair, Thanksgiving was late this year. But also Netflix dropped 3 new Christmas movies in mid-November and that shit STRESSES ME OUT. I hate seeing tweets and press tours about a movie that I’m not ready to watch yet. So, Christmas came early this year. I will say, the tree went up after Thanksgiving like it always does and I will leave it up until there’s a sea of pine needles on the carpet because DAMNIT THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR IN THE WINTER. Anyway, I noticed no one else got into the Christmas original flick game this year so my sister and I curated from Netflix, Hallmark & Lifetime (hotties only) and I feel good about the *much smaller* selection. So without further adieu…

Meet Me Next Christmas – Netflix

Layla spends Christmas Eve in a bougie airport lounge trying to make it to the Pentatonix Christmas Eve concert with her boyf. She meets James and they share earbuds and therefore a spark so they make a deal to not exchange any info but meet up at next years’ Pentatonix Christmas concert if she’s ditched whatever boyfriend we’re about to grow to hate by then. And then wouldn’t you know 4 seconds later, she walks in on him cheating. That was fast! Now she’s gotta get to the concert to meet her soulmate but color me shocked, this was the one year she didn’t buy tickets and it’s sold out! Obviously she enlists the help of some sort of concierge service that was giving real weird elf vibes and it took me far too long to realize there was no Santa-related magic in this movie and they’re all just normal people living in reality (somewhat.) Layla and Teddy (her concierge) fall in love on the journey and credit to Pentatonix’s agent, but they basically got a movie made centered around them. The a cappella singers that make Christmas their bitch and then go into hibernation for the rest of the year end up playing matchmaker behind the scenes to get these two to their concert. Things we love: a completely unrelated and out of place choreography scene…y’all know I die for a 2000’s era dance movie, and as always, a real down and dirty mack sesh halfway through the movie. MAMA DON’T LIKE TO WAIT FOR THE KISSY KISSY. The movie was fun and entertaining and as a girlie that loves this group harmonizing the shit out of Christmas songs, I appreciated a Pentatonix slobberfest. HOW-EV-ER, the ending was so over the top proclamation of public love it pretty much ruined the rest of the movie. I mean, “The universe falls away when we kiss” was a real piece of dialogue. Ok bitches, you met a day ago. Pump the brakes. BUT I’ll take a free Pentatonix concert any chance I can get cause I bet those tickets are outrageously priced like everything else in NYC at Christmas time. They even cashed in on a single with the same name. GET YO BREAD, GANG! Feel free to smash play while you read the rest.

Hot Frosty – Netflix

Obviously you go into a movie about a snowman coming to life and a woman being desp enough to fall in love with him knowing exactly what you’re going to get. And might I be so bold to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this one. In fact, I liked it WAY better than the Magic Mike Netflix movie that I’m about to eviscerate next. Do I think this is the hottest guy they could’ve cast in a beefy snowman come to life lead? Nah, not even close. This guy’s hair isn’t doing him any favors. But his body is most certainly a specimen and I guess that’s all that matters as we open on him beebopping around town fully nude. Call me a simple gal, but it worked. I was hooked. Could’ve done without the heavy-handed OMG HE’S HOT gags like when he asks a horny old bird who crashes her car staring at his veiny bulging shirtless frame, “want me to get behind you and push?” Don’t insult our intelligence.

I got so caught up in talking about bulges that I didn’t give you a quick and dirty plot rundown. Kathy (horrible name for anyone under the age of 50, if you want to keep Queen of Christmas Movies Lacey in biz, give her better character names) runs a diner and basically is living like a homeless person because as we come to find out, her husband died of cancer and was a handyman. I get that grief is unique for everyone but not having heat in your house that is also flooding from roof leaks, seems extreme. She puts a “magic scarf” around a snowman and poof, HE REAL. Jack (Frost, duh) learns how to be a human by watching TV in Kathy’s house and hiding from the police because he broke a window to steal clothes so he didn’t keep swinging his perfectly sculptured (I assume) ice dick around town. He sees how much Kathy is struggling and learns how to be the perfect boyf who fixes the roof, makes dinner, and does a TikTok dance with tweens at their holiday soiree. There’s a lot of quirky town characters, and an all-time great moment when everything is revealed and Kathy says “You all just buy that he’s a snowman?” And someone replies. “It’s Christmas.” Ope, ok. What I certainly did not see coming was a VERY dramatic ending, which spoiler alert – did turn happy and I teared up…like a lot. Which just goes to show how mentally unstable and lonely I am during the holidays.

PS Doing the Pretty Woman closing fingers in the jewelry box scene? Who do you think you are?

The Merry Gentlemen – Netflix

Buckle up, because I HATED this movie. If you spent your teen years in Tree Hill, you fell into one of two camps. You were a Lucas girlie or a Nathan girlie but you most certainly were never swooning over both Scott brothers. Since every teen show these days seems to only have one plotline and it is brothers sharing the same girl, I’ll let you in a little secret: the Scott brothers did it first with Peyton. Shocking to no one, I liked a bad boy turned good. Nathan 4 LYFE. So, that means I’m kinda eh to Chad Michael Murray. Even though he’s playing a different role, I still see squinty dramatic Lucas whining about how he loves Peyton but she won’t even give him a chance. Now that I’ve sufficiently ranted about a 20 year old show, let’s dive into this movie where they even named him Luke. TOO CLOSE! Ashley gets fired from her gig dancing in a rockettes’ type role in “the big city” and moves back home to find out her parents club is going belly up. Luke has been helping them repair their money pit. Ashley has the bright idea to create a male stripper holiday dance show to bring in the crowds and ooh baby it’s a hit! Never underestimate the horniness of single women.

For this one, I feel like it would be most efficient to air my complaints in list format.

Ashley’s wig is Bella Swan in Eclipse bad.
Netflix loves to show characters in their movies watching other characters in other Netflix movies. We get it, you own the streaming space. Stop being so obsessed with yourselves, it’s getting weird.
Ashley eats a cookie like an absolute disaster. Frosting up to her hairline from basically pie-ing herself in the face with a sweet treat.
All of these men learned how to dance basically immediately. There was no trial nor tribulation from “here’s the choreography” to full-blown Darryn’s Dance Grooves.
You mean to tell me that this tiny town in the middle of nowhere with a fake hallmark name like Sycamore Creek is just soaking wet with ripped men?
I get it, we love an inclusive moment, but there’s a reason Dallas was gross and creepy in Magic Mike and no one wanted to watch him dance. He was out of the target age demo. I almost screamed when we suddenly had an old guy tap in to the on-stage topless gyrations. In fact, I texted my sister in outrage: “NO THEY PUT AN OLD GUY IN?! I’m gonna puke. Why am I watching a geriatric striptease?”
Their first kiss goes from good to bad real quick. These two were fish mouthing each other like I’ve never seen before.
Really trying to get sentimental and deep for a movie where the men are gyrating with their shirts off 98% of the time.

So, as you can see, there should be no confusion as to why this movie is a real suckfest. They had all the opportunity in the world to pop some lady boners AND make us giggle and they failed SO miserably.

Our Little Secret – Netflix

We start out real hot with a suuuuper cringey public dumping mid-proposal and I was nervous for the rest to unfold. The good news is this flick is full of heavy hitters and the big budget shows. Our girl LiLo is HAVING a moment and GOOD FOR HER. For someone who was a real hot mess in her twenties she sure spun that shit right around and is literally glowing these days. So anyway, Avery goes to meet her boyf’s family for the first time and finds out that her boyf’s sister brought home Logan to meet the fam and these two were HS sweethearts who haven’t spoken in a decade. They decide to act like they don’t know each other yet still help each other navigate this bonkers family. Super fun movie. It has drama, secrets, goofy characters and quippy dialogue. 10/10 No Notes. Just kidding. It’s me. Of course I have notes. Logan’s got a real case of the crazy eyes and that is understandably hard to watch / picture myself having sex with, which is how I commit to every love interest in a rom com, so I find myself having a hard time getting on board with him. BUT there’s so many other things going on and the writing is good so I still approve even though I wouldn’t personally want to bang the lead. (Says the girl who just talked about wanting to bang the snowman lead and also cried when he turned human, so take it with a grain of salt.)

Christmas in the Spotlight – Lifetime

We’ve officially embarrassed ourselves as a society because now we’re making Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce fan-fic in made-for-TV movies. There’s no going back. Look what you made them do, Taylor. Obviously, a Lifetime movie ripping from the popstar-NFL player love story is not sanctioned by either camp and therefore no direct references could be made, but they still managed to shove this script full of bad Swiftie references as Easter eggs, or moments that made my eyes drop from my skull and roll down the hall. (Uncle Gonzo can’t come to the phone right now, why? Cause he’s dead! The alchemy. You think you’re Wonderland. Why they gotta be so mean. An attempt to mimic a TS lyric friendship bracelet but really it just said “nigsss”…no one thought that was concerning? Really?)

Bowyn is a popstar that’s supposed to be Taylor Swift but she’s lookin more like a Tate McRae hooch, and Gonzo (these names are so, SO bad) is an NFL player whose brother plays on the same team and his niece is a SUPER fan of Bowyn. They have a meet and greet moment where Gonzo takes the lowest angle selfie after fumbling his phone. That might be the least believable part. You think a girl’s gonna call you after you give her a double chin in a selfie? UH UH, HONAY. But she does, and they start dating casj in secret, making out on private jets as one does. As you might predict, a movie trying to be Taylor and Travis with no actual facts behind it is super cringe. That being said, my sister and I ATE IT UP. Not fans of do-do bird Travis Kelce, we chose to believe that Gonzo was actually modeled after Gronk, which is a much worthier character we can get behind. Plus, it never hurts when a movie delivers a first date make out and a gratuitous shirtless scene because of a lil wine dribble. If you want to keep it spicy, drink every time they use a puzzle piece metaphor. LET’S FRICKIN GO!!!!

Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story – Hallmark

Before I started this movie, I genuinely thought it was a call and response of the same exact Tay/Trav love story, one sanctioned by the Kelce’s (Hallmark) and one not (Lifetime.) Then the opening scenes were about a family obsessed with the Kansas City Chiefs and I was like oh, it’s not even about Taylor, it’s about the Chiefs, WHO EVEN CARES?! Are people seriously this hard up for this stupid team that we needed to give them more money and free advertising through a branded movie? And don’t even GET ME STARTED on Mama Kelce. Talk about someone stretching those damn five minutes. If anyone is surprised (no one is) Donna Kelce is the worst actress on this planet and her entire role in the movie, which goes on for far too long, is to just walk by and read poorly written lines with not a hint of emotion.

ANYWAY, Alana’s parents met by sitting in the same row as season ticket holders for KCC, so this entire family’s whole lives revolve around a football team. In a super weird and aggressive way. Derrick works for the Chiefs but doesn’t know anything about them, tell me how you get a job in marketing at the NFL being like I don’t really care that much for this team, so when he has to interview BIGGEST FAN candidates and ends up with Alana’s wacky ass family, he’s like mmk, psychos. They have a dramatic story about a lucky hat and not to spoil the ending, but in what felt like hour 9 of hearing about the lucky hat as if it was its own character I typed this sentence into my phone, “I cannot hear this family wax poetic about a knit cap for one more GD second.” In much more exciting news, I nearly fell off my chair when I heard Derrick speak for the first time in some odd talking out of the side of his mouth Elvis accent that miraculously had disappeared without a trace by the first commercial break. I ranted about his stupid voice for far too long, then I looked back on Christmas movie blogs past to remind myself when I published/how many movies I watched and ripped this same actor a new a*hole for talking so slow and seeming like he wasn’t firing on all cylinders during one of his movies last year. So **NOTE TO SELF** this guy talks like a moron and I need to stop having Hallmark amnesia and remember it each year. Although, honestly is kinda fun to get freshly outraged like this is the first time I’ve seen him mumble in a southern/western/brain injury drawl.

PS Every time they walk by Santa they give him money–like $5-20–and do I need to quit my job and just walk around an affluent city with a bucket dressed as the big guy? Santa’s bout to build a beach house with their donations…I gotta get in on that.

Twas the Date Before Christmas – Hallmark

Jessie goes on a bunch of bad online dates and lies about having a new boyfriend for Christmas so her family doesn’t cancel the festivities. Brian’s a smelly loser without plans and therefore replies to Jessie’s chaotic plea on her dating profile to bring a blind date to her family’s Christmas Eve affairs. As someone who did MANY dalliances with dating apps, it’s next level psychotic behavior to message one night and then meet up the next for a family holiday. Pre-crime. Even hopping off the app and exchanging numbers was a big ole to-do, so some surface banter followed by acting as a couple at Christmas and you’re just ASKING to be a skin suit. The notion of that was almost as terrifying as a family of adults that does a Christmas Olympics every year. Honestly, this entire movie is full of red flags but in the spirit of Christmas, we’ll play along that this is how soulmates find each other, by being strangers and still going full-send into wrapping and baking competitions. There’s your typical “big bad corporate guy tries to shut down the small biz” storyline sprinkled in with some widower grief. And you MAY have guessed it, but Christmas Olympics continues on, hearts are warmed, and businesses are saved. The silver lining of this movie was Robert Buckley, who is the most adorable and lovable leading man with a sense of humor, right up until he sneaks up behind his leading lady and whispers, “hey Jessie, I’m having a lot of fun.” And for that reason, I’m out. What a creep move! Also, Jessie’s entire family comes out to watch them kiss at the end like a bunch of peepers. RUN, DUDE!!!

The Finnish Line – Hallmark

I LOVED this movie! Sure, its bad writing and cheesy dubbs coups storylines are ever-present…I mean it is Hallmark after all, what’d you expect? Oscar-winning performances? BUT…HUSKIES!!!! As long as I’ve been recapping these dirt movies (10 years, nbd but HBD), there has not been a Christmas movie about sled racing and I was LOCKED IN. Wish I could say the same for my partial Husky of a pooch. One would think she’d hear the calls of her brethren and watch as intently as I did. At one point, she turned to look at the screen and I got so excited that I’d finally picked a matinee with something for each of us. Then she dropped her head and faced away from the TV for the rest of the movie. Tough crowd.

Whatever, it’s not like I waited with my camera out for the moment she would howl at the screen trying to communicate with her wolf pack. Not only did I enjoy peeking into the world of international dog sledding, but each year I see Christmas in a new country and I want to beat it to that country immeds. Last year was Scotland, this year is Finland. I might die if I don’t get to celebrate Christmas in the snow-blanketed town where Santa Clause is from with a floofy Siberian husky curled up next to me. Alright enough about me, let’s talk about Anya whose dad was a famous sled racer who lost against a scary old guy who plays dirty and then met his future bride and retired to Arizona. Cut to her losing both parents and deciding to avenge her dad’s loss and beat the butthole who nearly killed him. Cole is a former racer turned reporter with a heart of gold, obv. We get to root for sassy Anya to win the damn thing AND two love stories just casually playing out under the Northern Lights. The only poor visual in the whole movie was the very obviously green screen cold plunge that Anya and Cole partake in, but it was a great opportunity to see our male lead shirtless and we never argue that. My only ice to pick (get it?! ice pick!) is that it says it’s -11 degrees and they don’t even attempt to make them look like they’re in the cold. Everyone’s wearing light jackets and no hats. No one acts cold. NEGATIVE ELEVEN DEGREES. YOU CANNOT EVEN FUNCTION IN THAT WEATHER. And yet this crew is kickin it at an ice bar (inside an igloo) like they’re sitting around the pool. Also, my last note, would’ve LOVED a scene with one of the humans talking to the dog and the husky howling in return. That’s the greatest thing about huskies, they basically talk back to you. Missed opp to highlight that adorable quality. Ok that’s it, bye.

A Carpenter Christmas Romance – Lifetime

Sorry folks, but I felt like it was more important for me to deliver this HIGHLY anticipated blog than wait another weekend for this last one to premiere. Each year I struggle with the fact that holiday movies come out earlier and premiere right up until Christmas. Knowing that no one cares to spend Christmas Day reading my thoughts on the crop of new movies, I always try to get it out earlier but I don’t want to release it TOO early and miss the later ones. These are the struggles I must live with. It’s my Christmas cross to bear. Realistically, I write these for myself because I live for roasting cheesy holiday movies and I’m a diehard for a tradition. Either way, when making this year’s list my sister introduced this flick as “this year’s A Cowboy Christmas Romance.” If you need refreshing, it’s the last movie I recapped last year. TLDR: it’s a festive themed harlequin novel. They give us a swoony muscle man and last year they dropped the first ever sex scene in a Lifetime Christmas movie. I can’t confirm that this will also have a romp in the barn, but ONE CAN ONLY HOPE. Obviously my DVR is already set. It was set the moment I saw the definition in those ‘ceps. Those are lady-lifting arms right there, baby!

Yea, yea, yea, I know. I need a boyfriend. Guess I better hope for a White Christmas so I can start building a chiseled snowman and let the holiday magic do its thang. Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Movies, Television

The Salty Ju Does True Crime: Scott Peterson

Long-time lover and consumer of *most* things true-crime (living alone and immersing myself in brutal crimes don’t always go hand in hand), I don’t know that I’ve ever devoted an entire blog to a case. However, after guzzling down three series on the Laci Peterson murder, and having a hot take, I felt it was time to sear my thoughts into the internet forever and give you the scoop on each docu-series. I guess we could say this blog contains spoilers but if you didn’t hear about this murder that was legit on every news station and magazine cover 20 years ago then I’m concerned for you. Also feels a little odd to reference spoilers when it comes to a woman and her unborn child being murdered as this is real life and not the latest blockbuster. Basically, if you don’t want to dedicate any time to watching these three series, you can use this blog as a summary of takeaways, or you can use it as a teaser to decide if you want to watch. Either way, I think it goes without saying that the murder of a woman who was just beginning her life and her first baby is horrific and I’m not trying to downplay that fact or create some sort of sensational blog about it. I’m simply sharing my opinion based on what I’ve consumed, with some Salty Ju sarcasm sprinkled in.

Hulu (A&E): The Murder of Laci Peterson, 2017

This is the first doc I watched that flipped my whole perspective on this case and made me a Scott Peterson is innocent truther. I mean, I was literally bringing this murder up in casual Christmas party convo so that I could tell the unsuspecting victim of my doc-fueled chatter that Scott was wrongfully accused and we need to get him out of jail. Let it be known that I am ABSOLUTELY the perfect consumer of docs. I’m the type of person that will absorb the info presented to me in a documentary and not only think I’m an expert on the topic, but also believe every single thing that was said without question. Obviously every doc has an angle and is showing you the story they want you to see. But I’m usually flying too high on having all this newfound knowledge that I don’t even care about a controversial take being spoonfed to me. I remember literally ARGUING with someone that they didn’t know Scott like I did. From a 6-part series. I also spent a very obnoxious week acting like an aviation expert after seeing the doc about the missing Malaysian flight. Unrelated but totally related, I’m very aware of why I’m still single. Much like Scott….who got FRAMED by the court of public opinion to be a cheating dirtbag sociopath murderer.

Although I haven’t revisited this series since I originally watched it in 2019, I do remember really enjoying it (clearly) and would recommend it for anyone dipping their toe in the “did Scott really do it?” waters. It presented the counter-evidence in a direct way for dummies like me to be like hmm..it IS weird that I never knew they lived 5 mins away from a high-crime area. And hmm, that burglary that happened the same day directly across the street wasn’t reported on the cover of People magazine… My takeaway after watching this and what I’ll MOST definitely repeat throughout this blog as we’re talking about the same case being trotted out and dissected by 3 different directors/producers, is that at the end of the day, a man was convicted of a murder and sentenced to death with no DNA evidence or eyewitness testimony. The evidence that they did have was all circumstantial and YES IT LOOKS VERY, VERY BAD. His somewhat sociopathic void of all emotions demeanor from the minute he reported her missing to the day he was arrested, the extra-marital affair he had where he told this woman his wife was gone, driving very far away to go fishing and having homemade cement anchors and the bodies washing ashore where he was fishing that day. Do all of those things make Scott look like a stone cold killer? Yea, 100%. And that’s how he got convicted. Because I never heard a LICK about any of this other evidence to show that something else could’ve happened. So once you start to hear the evidence that isn’t all about Scott, it definitely makes you wonder if he actually did it. I’ll dive into that evidence more from the other doc because it’s fresher in my mind and I can’t remember what specifically was covered in this one or what has evolved since. But the bottom line is, knowing this other evidence was out there and not really as widely shared as the pieces condemning Scott, I would not be able to pin this murder on him beyond a reasonable doubt.

Netflix : American Murder – Laci Peterson, 2024

As it’s now the 20 year anniversary of this case, we must of course get more content on it. I had heard stirrings of Scott getting picked up by The Los Angeles Innocence Project this year and wasn’t surprised that we would be getting something new from him now that there might be fresh info in the case. I was, however, surprised that Laci’s family clearly wanted to put something out there too. Hollywood hasn’t quite figured it out yet as they regurgitate the same content over and over again but there is such a thing as too much repetition. This is a 20 year old case that was well-documented in the media and someone has been on death row for since it happened. We don’t need b2b docs from each family within a week of each other. Clearly Netflix cut a deal with Laci’s crew and Peacock cut a deal with Scott’s. And true to the case, they are very much dueling opinion docs. If you 100% believe without a doubt that Scott is the killer, watch this VERY heavy – handed HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO OUR BB GIRL Netflix doc. If you aren’t fully convinced, watch the Peacock special. If there’s one thing both sides can agree on it’s that the Modesto cops who were a part of both docs, certainly don’t shy away from camera time or a fat appearance paycheck. And anytime there is any comment or accusation that they perhaps dropped the ball on some things or honed in on Scott prematurely, putting blinders up to any contrary evidence to that theory, they deny it completely and say they’re confused as to why there’s even a question of if he did it. Not that I expect two detectives to publicly admit any wrongdoing with such a highly publicized case, but also, they don’t need to keep doing interviews about it either.

This was a fluff piece, which Laci’s family has every right to make in attempts to remind us all that she was real and her life was taken. But other than more glimpses into who she was as a person, there was really no new information about the murder presented. The interviews included Laci’s mom, a few of her gal pals, Scott’s sister & sister in law, other woman Amber Frey, and the cops. Home footage was used of Laci, lots of photographs, lots of stories about how she lit up a room (there’s a reason there’s a meme about that phrase. You light up a room and you’re as good as dead. Nothin to worry about for me, which is comforting.) The timeline and circumstantial evidence of the case is laid out. You get walked through everything again and cop interviews as well as news footage from that time is all used. So if you’re not familiar with the case or don’t remember the deets, this is all a good refresher but keep in mind that it’s presented by the police who wanted to nail Scott from night one. I don’t care how comfortable you are as a cop but I’ve seen enough true crime docs to know that the interrogation footage is always included and that cop ALWAYS looks like a total dickbag. I’ve never seen an interview room clip where the cop isn’t lying or trying to coerce the person to say something or admit something. It’s infuriating. If I’m ever arrested you bet your nip nops I’m not squealing a sentence other than I want a lawyer. The way they take advantage of people who think they’re just helping by answering some questions is cringeworthy to say the least. At one point I believe the detective even said why don’t you take a polygraph, I wont be able to use it for anything but it’ll rule you out, it’s no big deal. Oh yea, just take a lie detector test that I will 100% pin your guilt to! Anyway, I got off track with my F the po-lice rant. This doc also includes some insider info from Laci’s mom and close friends that there were some red flags about Scott from the start. He seemed obsessed with showing off and love bombing her. They got married young and Laci was a little nervous about marrying him. Supposedly he told her he never wanted kids and then “changed his mind.” Just typical narcissistic a*hole behavior from a young hot shot. Again, you’ll never catch me saying Scott’s a cool dude. He sucks. He was for sure a shit husband who had no business being married or becoming a dad. But does that mean he’s a murderer? If you really want to get deep, I think he was way too pretty boy to be a murderer. Seems like the type that wouldn’t even change his own oil so he’s for sure not offing his wife and dumping her into the sea. Doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, might mess up his backswing. ~*~ but that’s just my opinion ~*~

Peacock: Face to Face with Scott Peterson, 2024

When they advertised this as the first time Scott would do an interview in 20 years, I nearly shit my pants in anticipation. August 20th couldn’t come fast enough. This was it, my king of innocence who I’ve ridden hard for since 2019 was going to get out in front of it and give us all a reason to believe he’s been rotting on death row for NOTHIN. And then I watched episode one. And holy shit this was a letdown. So much so, that instead of tearing through all three episodes, it took me almost a week to get through it. Honestly, he should’ve stayed off camera. There’s a reason his lawyer didn’t have him testify. Boy does NOT give good interview. Which we obviously know from 2004 when he did a media tour and made everyone hate him 18 billion times harder. He’s monotone, he shows no emotion, and he can’t seem to explain away any of the things that make him look like a murderer. Which…was the whole point of interviewing him. The things he said, and did, and lied about, and the shady activities in and around his boat. He didn’t have a concrete explanation for literally ANYTHING. If I were him I’d be bringing Heather from RHOSLC energy to these interviews with the filmmaker.

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His standard answer for everything was some variation of, “that’s crazy that they said that or thought that.” Well that’s how you ended up getting sentenced to death, Scotty boy. I don’t know if he’s truly a psychopath or if he just doesn’t present well and has a lot of internal strife, but keeping him out of this would’ve made this doc much more convincing. Because again, I was convinced once before and reminded once again, that there is other evidence out there that was never presented at trial or was dismissed or explained away by the police. The biggest one being A BURGLARY THAT HAPPENED ACROSS THE STREET FROM LACI’S HOUSE THE DAY SHE WENT MISSING. I’m sorry but that is not coincidence.

And since you’ve been patiently waiting, I’ll hit on some of the other pieces of evidence that were buried or explained away by police. The police interviewed a neighbor who saw their dog wandering around with its leash on and put her in their backyard at like 10ish in the morning. That ONE interview created the entire timeline for Laci’s murder. They refused to hear anything that countered this theory and decided that because this woman found the dog at 10am, Laci was already dead. There were MULTIPLE eyewitnesses that saw Laci walking the dog after this time. There were witnesses to the burglary that occurred across the street that morning and ID’ed non-white men with a brown van. Two whites came forward and confessed to the burglary and said they absolutely had nothing to do with Laci’s disappearance. Also claimed they did the act after Christmas, which wouldn’t have been possible as Laci’s street was storming with cops and media at that time. No one is pulling off a home invasion in that environment and obviously it wasn’t these guys who did it or at least they weren’t the only ones who did it, they might’ve just been fall guys. In more eyewitness accounts, a man and his wife saw a pregnant woman being pulled into a van and what looked like a struggle. A correctional officer overheard a conversation with inmates that had to do with the burglary and Laci and tried to report it multiple times and they never followed up with him from the tip line. A burned van fitting the description of the burglary was found days later and the police tested it, concluded it wasn’t involved and then were done with it. Same thing with a homemade anchor found in the water near where the bodies washed up. They literally threw the anchor back into the water. Laci’s very specific diamond watch that Scott gifted her showed up at a pawn shop days after her disappearance. Do you remember hearing about any of this evidence? NOPE YOU SURE DON’T BECAUSE THEY EITHER OUTRIGHT BURIED IT OR SAID IT WAS STUPID. I mean literally, the Modesto cops flat out (in both docs) said this is all stupid, Scott did it. They didn’t have any sort of understanding as to why we (Scott Innocence Truthers) would be like well, this is a little fishy and seems like legit evidence to present alongside the prosecution’s evidence. Scott’s family had hired private investigators and there was a reporter formerly with ABC I believe who also became invested in the case over the years and was looking into all of this evidence and digging deeper. The biggest thing that made me think twice was when it was pointed out that police shared Scott’s alibi on day 1 or 2 of Laci’s disappearance at a public press conference. If you had her or had her body, you now know exactly where to dump it so that it gets pinned to Scott. And honestly, I never once thought about that but it’s NOT OUTLANDISH! You share the exact area he’s fishing on that day and all of the deets and that would be a prime opportunity for whoever killed her to get away Scott-Free.

So anyway, as it stands now, Scott is no longer on death row, and the Innocence Project is trying to make appeals for some of the new evidence to be considered/tested. Unfortunately, they were denied the right to get DNA testing on a TON of evidence, which according to this doc was unheard of. No one has ever really been denied so I don’t know how hopeful this whole thing really is. But they did get approved for testing of one thing I believe, and if Scott’s DNA isn’t on that one thing, he’s out of prison (according to his sister in law who became a lawyer after he was convicted so she could help get him out of jail.) This is definitely the type of case where you’re firmly for or against Scott and both docs had a mixture of the vitriol that people feel toward him and how they believe in their bones that he’s a killer and the ‘he cheated on his wife and kinda sucks but that doesn’t make him a murderer’ side. If there’s one thing I know for sure, they will continue to push out content about this with updates via The Innocence Project. After being somewhat let down by these two recent dueling docs, I’m not sure if I’ll be foaming at the mouth to see anything more on this topic, but I will be interested to see how things progress with them trying to get him out based on this defense evidence that was never presented twenty years ago before a group of 12 jurors decided he should die. And of course, I wouldn’t be a comedy blog if I didn’t mention the obvious…Scott looks pretty damn good for being in prison for half of his life now. In an MFK sitch, I’d probably F him. Definitely wouldn’t M him as we’re not 1000% convinced he wouldn’t kill me, and I’ll leave the K to the US gov if he ends up back on death row. *Note: all of this is a joke and very, very unserious and I mean no disrespect but also I’m here to entertain and if you just read a full true-crime ramble from me, you deserve to end it with a laugh. **Double Note: If he flipped that hat backwards it’d be on like Donkey Kong.

Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2023 Edition

The past few years have been so overwhelming with networks boasting MORE NEW ORIGINAL CHRISTMAS MOVIES than EVER BEFORE that I’ve set a date around Thanksgiving, preferably when I’m in the office, to curate a list. I don’t have time to watch every single piece of beloved holiday trash that Lifetime and Hallmark create, so instead I open the TV Guide lists in one tab, and Google images in another tab to gauge attractiveness of the leads. It’s a foolproof method, or so I thought, until I went to DVR two of the flicks on my list and realized they were from last year. You had ONE job, TV Guide. Get your shit together. So my apologies to all my diehards who rely on my list to narrow their focus for including a couple of gently-used movies. It won’t happen again. Next year I’ll be double checking dates while I assess if the guy is hot enough to commit to watching. Now that I’ve owned up to my mistake, here’s my official list that I was working off of this year (but of course strayed because my TV was basically showing movies everyday for a month.)

ExMas – Freevee (aka Amazon Prime)

This was hands down my favorite newbie this season and it has everything to do with the fact that I’m obsessed with Robbie Amell. He’s sarcastic and a total babe soda and if you haven’t watched beloved teen comedy The DUFF, you’re doing yourself a Robbie disservice. Anywho, exes Graham and Allie run into each other when Graham’s Christmas-obsessed fam thinks he can’t make it home for the holidays so they extend the invite to Allie who had no one to celebrate with. Obviously the result was Graham betting Allie that his family will kick her out by Christmas and them trying to sabotage each other. We all know every great movie starts with a bet. I was only ten minutes into watching this bad boy and I laughed out loud. Unironically! I think this is a Christmas movie first! It was fun to watch the war of the exes and even more fun when we get a bang, bang. bangity bang. (Spoiler alert, but also this is why more non-cable networks should be in the Christmas movie game, GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!) Will my top two movies both include sex scenes? Affirmative. Will that be the reason they’re my top two? I’ll never tell. Honorable mention to Graham’s awkward sister who quickly became my favorite character for her commentary.

A Merry Scottish Christmas – Hallmark

Brad and Lindsey are overworked sibs who don’t speak much anymore but their mom summons them to Scotland for Christmas. This is where they learn that their mom was actually supposed to be a Duchess but she ran away to America and if they want to be royals and take over the castle they can. Sick Christmas gift. Visually this movie is stunning. In fact, if I don’t spend at least one Christmas in a castle, I’ll KMS. The scenery is kinda the only saving grace to an otherwise pretty boring movie. I also hate to be the one to point this out if you didn’t notice it while watching, but I don’t buy these two as brother and sister. It was giving big-time we’re supposed to be playing siblings but we’re giving off romantic chemistry vibes. At one point Brad makes a life decision with his wife and Lindsey is like WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER. So maybe she wants to marry her brother? Just sayin, it did cross my mind. Honorable mention to the mom who grew up Scottish royalty but has a British accent as an adult even though she’s lived in America since she was 20. If there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s pointing out bullshit accents in low-budge movies. And of course, can’t forget to mention the nod to Party of Five (where Scott and Lacey played siblings who didn’t want to bang each other) by naming the bar they went to “Salinger Pub.”

Christmas Plus One – Lifetime (last year)

Speaking of weird sibling relationships. I wanted to relate to these sisters who are besties but then they showed their tradition of making Christmas wishes in matching jammies as adults and both of them wished to meet their soulmate and God, that’s insufferable. Amy meets her “soulmate” and is planning a Christmas wedding, and en route to that wedding, Cara thinks she meets her “soulmate” (please note that I’m putting this in quotes to reiterate the fact that soulmates do not exist IRL, just in RomComLand.) But oopsie, Cara loses his number and then spends the rest of the movie trying to find this guy again but enlists the help of another guy and yup, you guessed it, she found ANOTHER “soulmate”! This movie wasn’t awful but I will note that they leaned WAY too hard into the almost kiss AND just missing each other as she searched for the stranger she decided she should marry based on their love for Christmas. Lifetime LOVES an interrupted kiss but putting both almost kisses and almost run-ins together was incredibly annoying I basically spent the whole movie screaming JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.

Planes, Trains, and Christmas Trees – Lifetime (last year)

This bitch is so high strung with a stick up her ass that I truly couldn’t watch more than 5 mins of her squawking about making it home in a snowstorm for work. A rare instance, but sometimes they’re just so unwatchable that you can’t commit to the bit, especially when you don’t have anyone with you to turn it into a drinking game. #SorryNotSorry

Christmas Island – Hallmark

Andrew Walker is a fan favorite, so I was glad my sister had DVR’ed this pre-Thanksgiving movie so we could dive in together with a garlic asiago dip. I was even more glad when we turned this abomination off. The kids were more a part of the storyline than we originally anticipated and as you might remember, we don’t do kid-heavy Hallies. If you’re wondering what this movie was about look no further than my sister’s observation five minutes in: “The premise of this movie is fucking weird, they’re going to hold these people hostage on Christmas Island?” They sure are!

Never Been Chris’d – Hallmark

After cutting Christmas Island short, we landed on this gem about high school besties who fight over their crush as grown women and folks, this is our sweet spot. Especially because the almighty Chris Silver that these two bozos have been obsessed with since they were teens seems like he’s a little slow. There’s something not clicking upstairs for Chris and yet that doesn’t stop him from having women slobber all over him. Guess that’s what it’s like to be a man! (My sister did eventually confirm that this is just how this specific actor talks, and he’s not playing someone struggling with a brain injury.) As this entire high school gathers in their hometown at the holidays we’re treated with a CRINGEWORTHY scene where a group of former “popular” kids play Never Have I Ever-Christmas Cookie Edition where they all just relive how cool they were in high school, which obviously makes them giant losers as grown-ups. I don’t think this movie was trying to give off a peaked in high school vibe, but it reeeaallyyyy did. After a few too many group dates, one including a kiss (apparently Chris Silver is The Bachelor), Liz and Naomi play rock, paper, scissors for who will marry Chris Silver. Just kidding, Liz bows out gracefully and Naomi declares he’s the one after a tongue-less smooch. Merry CHRISmas!

Catch Me If You Claus – Hallmark

Avery Quinn is trying to be promoted to a news anchor and Santa is apparently in his thirties now. In the spirit of transparency, this movie took such a weird left turn that I also ditched it before the end. It started out normal then had like a crime storyline and suddenly it became a holiday heist movie and that’s really not what I’m signing up for when I pour myself a tall glass of wine to watch people fall in love at Christmas. Also Santa shouldn’t be my age. BYE BYE.

Christmas in Notting Hill – Hallmark

Georgia is a teacher in the US visiting her sister who lives in London and also happens to date the brother of a famous footballer, Graham. But before they find out their sibs are together, the romance between G-squared sparks with a classic slamming into each other at a Christmas market and he’s like come to mine and she’s like yeah why not go to a strange man’s house in a foreign country like the movie Taken never happened! Obviously it didn’t end in abduction, it ended like every girlie who grew up wanting David Beckham to be their boyfriend wished for, which is why I have a soft spot for this incredibly cheese-tastic movie. Somethin about dating an athlete (I guess Taylor Swift is rubbing off on us all) and London at Christmas made me put up with a whole lot of garbage. For example, when the sisters do a choreographed dance to a DAVID ARCHULETA version of “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” like that isn’t the biggest diss to THE YEAR OF THE N*SYNC COMEBACK. Or when their dad shouts every piece of dialogue because he thinks that’s what acting is. Or when homegirl wears a beret for practically the entire movie. There were LENGTHY pop culture references from Gilmore Girls to Ted Lasso and none of them made any sense. If you wanted to spice up your viewing of this movie, you could play a drinking game where you drink every time the girl who only brought one suitcase to London wears a different fancy coat (pssst, you might die.) But the cherry on top is when production went for the ole “full sheets of computer paper” blizzard. And YET I still loved it!

Laughing All The Way – Lifetime

My initial interest in this movie was 1000% based on needing to see how the most painfully unfunny network on TV tackles a movie centered around stand-up comedy. My expectations were rock bottom and Lifetime still managed to do EVEN worse than I imagined. Stick to serial killers and holiday romance, guys. Aubrey is a jokewriter for an insufferable old bat who is supposed to be a club owner and comedian but isn’t funny at all (you’ll notice a theme here.) It’s almost like someone watched Hacks and was like let’s take this idea, make it the opposite of funny and add Christmas into the mix! Mike Baxter is supposedly a big comedian who is coming back to his hometown to get in touch with his comedy roots again because he’s gotten too mainstream and Hollywood wants him for action movies and not stand-up specials. I think that’s what makes this movie steaming hot garbage, is that this supposed famous comedian comes back to coach this chick and somehow start doing a comedy duo when NEITHER OF THEM ARE FUNNY. I’ve gotten more laughs from an off-handed comment at the dog park and these two are performing material they’ve been writing for the entire length of the movie. The BIG finale set from Aubrey is just one run-on joke about asking for health insurance for Christmas. BLOW MY BRAINS OUT! If I sound enraged, please know that I am. Even my mom had one eye shut halfway to snoozeytown and goes “this movie blows” and she was not wrong. Check it out if you want to hear a bunch of people tell each other they’re the funniest person ever without anyone actually being fUnNnY. Or… if you want to see a guy try 90’s Adam Sandler jokey songs in the Year of our Lord 2023. I wish I could scrub this scene and the whole entire movie from my memory immediately. But mostly this scene.

Haul out the Holly: Lit Up – Hallmark

In a rare and special occurence, a subpar holiday movie from last year got a sequel! Leave it up to Hallmark’s reigning queen (since CCB trotted on over to Great American Family) to lead two movies this year, one being a sequel. If you’ll recall from last year Emily moves back to her wacky family’s neighborhood where they take Christmas so seriously, citations are given out for not having the correct sized nutcracker and her childhood friend Jared is the king of giving out citations. They fall in love despite the fact that this guy turned out to be a real loser, and now they BOTH foam at the mouth over Christmas. A little too much if you ask me. It started off a little culty with one telling the other, “I don’t feel like you’re prioritizing Christmas enough.” Then an annoying YouTube family the Jolly Johnson’s move to town and give me a headache within seconds. A war begins between the neighborhood vets and the newcomers about how Christmas should be celebrated, and the she-Johnson has such a punchable face and a shrill voice that I almost ripped my TV off of the stand and boomeranged it into the floor several times. I think the only reason I kept watching (and didn’t destroy my television) was because Wes can GET IT in those glasses.

A Cowboy Christmas Romance – Lifetime

We’re making history here as this marks the first cable TV Christmas movie to have an actual sex scene!!! What did we do to deserve this?! Oh yeah, suffered through THOUSANDS of shitty movies where the leads have an almost kiss 900 times and then close out with a dry peck as the fireworks finish. I’ve been Christmas cockblocked for too long and I’m thrilled to usher in this change. Next year all the movies better include penetration or WE RIOT! Anyway, this flick kicks off with Lexi spewing some real estate jargon about millennials which is a scooch triggering for me right now as I’ll never be able to afford a home and will rent until I’m six feet under. THANKS A LOT, BIDEN. I didn’t stay bitter for long because at the 12 minute mark we got a full blown makeout and Lexi didn’t even know his name yet. SCANDAL. For some context, Lexi traveled back to her hometown to get Coby Mason (such a hot cowboy name) to sell his family ranch. But the twist is that Lexi’s family owns every other ranch and she hasn’t spoken to them in a decade. There’s just as much family drama as there is romance but the romance in this movie is SEX-AY. The cowboy lays it on THICK talking about horses like foreplay then the “lets get it on” scene is everything I could’ve hoped and dreamed. These were the exact notes I took in the moment: “THE LIFT ON THE TABLE FOR A MAKEOUT HELL YEA! SEX IN A BARN. HOT COWBOY ABS.” Honestly this was a heartwarming family tale but all I will remember is the barn sex. 10/10 recommend.

Holiday in the Vineyards – Netflix

Carter’s a rich spoiled asshole with vineyard money and Valentina is a widowed real estate agent selling a shitty vineyard in a town where everyone makes wine in their garage. It was a real change of pace to see someone other than this man’s wife playing his love interest on Netflix but I gotta be honest that was just about the only thing that made this movie different from A California Christmas (1 & 2.) But if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, we love a countryside wine soaked Christmas with a side of gratuitous abs.

I normally hate a side couple storyline but Moe the hardware store owner/sommelier and Cindy the LaToya Jackson lookin’ white friend were fun and I was here for it. Even when she said “I did not always put the sin in Cindy,” I wrote it down in case my mom needs a Real Housewives tagline should Andy Cohen ever expand to Syracuse. My favorite part of this movie that I devoured the same night it was released to Netflix was the delicious Latin dance scene that had me feeling all sorts of nostalgia for an early 2000’s dance chick flick. It was like Step Up: Garage Vineyard and I was HERE FOR IT.

Sealed with a List – Hallmark

Carley is a NERD bomber who lives with a 70 year old woman who’s cooler than her. She’s made a list of things to accomplish before the new year and waits until Thanksgiving to enlist her entitled douche of a boss, Wyatt, to help her be cool/check everything off the list. Good fucking luck with making this chick cool, homeslice. In return, she’s supposed to help him be less of a rich douche. I started out hating this movie REAL strong but it actually grew on me and by the end I was rooting for this wannabe fashion designer who dressed and spoke like a little boy to get through her list and get her mans by the time her balls, I mean the ball, dropped. Probably helps that I L-O-V-E a list and seeing items get a satisfying checkmark makes me cream my jeans. Honorable mention to Carley’s BFF who moves to Italy for a year and comes back doing a SHITTY Italian accent and saying Bongiorno like the a*hole who studies abroad and makes it their entire personality.

The Holiday Proposal Plan (Lifetime)

What a DOOOOOOZY this one was. I am, of course, referring exclusively to the male lead’s most unfortunate hairstyle. I haven’t seen lettuce this bad since that demon from Supercuts hacked mine with a rusty machete in 2019, #NeverForget. I genuinely gasped when he entered stage left and then spent the next 10 mins photographing it from all angles so you really understand just how tragic this deep side part and floppy bang is.

BAD. This hurts my soul. In fact, I almost shut this movie off JUST because I was so triggered by this rooster coif. Then there was a moment of hope when he put on a winter hat and his attractiveness soared just by covering the male Snooki poof. I got all hot and bothered only to be immediately dosed in cold water when he plucked the hat off of his head and put it on his lady’s as a flirting technique. PUT IT BACK ON, GOOD SIR.

Anyway, if you must know, this movie is about BFF’s, one a travel writer and the other a broadcaster who have combined their “talents” to create a travel show. They’re mega annoying together, and blondie Brie is one of the worst actresses I’ve ever seen on this network and that’s saying a lot. Her boyfriend wants to put her and her over-emphasizing words on ice but they’ve both bought rings for each other. So best friend Sunny decides to force a proposal for a couple that are taking a break for the holiday and also write about it for personal gain at work. Her ex boyfriend Kip with the hardest side part in history who dumped her last Christmas because she chose work over visiting his family is along for the ride to help scheme this proposal. We hit a real low when the gang starts singing, if that’s what we can call it. WHY MUST WE WEDGE CAROLING INTO EVERY G-D MOVIE?! Not even Sunny and her Christina Aguilera riffs could save this group singalong. Honorable mention goes to Traveling Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum workshopping a new show name and landing on “Gals Gone Global: The Wild Wild West Coast Edition.” Really rolls off the tongue.

Flipping For Christmas (Hallmark)

Ending on a high note so you don’t have nightmares about the previous hairline. Abby visits her family for Christmas and her sister tricks her into flipping a house that was left by dead grandpa Frank with his contractor Bo. ObViOuSLy Abby’s motive is to sell the house for profit and Bo wants to turn it into a B&B for the town. It’s a classic tightwad corporate woman vs. townie salt of the earth guy. That doesn’t stop these two from living out an HGTV wet dream, complete with a flirty paint fight where Bo is wearing the shit out of a set of pink coveralls. Barbie who?! He is KENough.

While we’re on the topic of Bo being a total dimpled beefcake, he also casj donned a cable-knit sweater that made me swoon my face off.

Alright, now that I’ve cleaned my slobber up, I promise that in addition to a male lead that’s gunning for sexiest Christmas movie cream sweater (reigning champ is Dylan McDermott in Miracle on 34th Street and that seems pretty obvious) this movie has an actual storyline. There’s something for everyone! Lots of deep meaningful talks about loss and letting life happen instead of being psycho control freaks, AND sexually frustrated flirty banter between two hot people. Plus, an adorbs town full of Christmas traditions…a Hally staple. The only downside to this movie (or upside if you drink every time it happens) is Abby’s sister who delivers each and every line with a side of bugging her eyes completely out of her skull. It is jarring to say the least.

Merry Christmas fellow trashy movie lovers! See you here next year–same time, same place to dissect the high brow (attractive ppl only) made-for-TV holiday cinema.

Television

Fall 2023 Netflix Round-Up

Sometimes I go on a real hot streak of consuming every piece of content that hits Netflix. Ever the charitable blogger, I’m happy to share with anyone who actually has a life, what you absolutely don’t need to waste your time binging. It also feels vital to point out that even though I may SEEM like a giant smelly loser who watches TV all the time, I happen to work from home 3 days a week and I do my best work from the couch, duh. It’s called MULTITASKING, ever heard of it?

*Even though I’m mouthy as hell, I will not include any spoilers so you can decide just based on my strong opinions if you should watch, as my opinions are definitely more important than your own.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Season 1: 10 episodes | Season 2: 10 episodes (50 mins)

Kicking off this list by including a show I actually watched over the summer. Sue me. For anyone who ever texts me for reccies (or asks me what she should watch every weekend, lookin at you mom) sometimes I forget about a show if it’s not currently new. So that’s why I wanted to shove this one in your faces. It came out last year and there are 2 seasons available and a third on the way. Based on the book/movie/true life story(?) genuinely don’t know if this is based on a true story but that feels right. Hot shot lawyer Mickey Haller is known for always driving around/working out of his Lincoln and this series follows his high profile cases and his juicy love life. This show has got it AWL. Everyone in it is hot, ESPECIALLY Neve Campbell who legit hasn’t aged a day lookin like a damn snack, it has crime, mystery, family storylines, cliffhangers, drama, comedy, and of course romance. Whatcha waiting for?! Check it out, yo!

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

Another kind of “old” one, this came out a while back and I added it to my list because I knew I had too many different cities of housewives on my plate to be able to give it my undivided attention. I finally watched it last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed this tour of Whitney’s greatest hits. Honestly, I never knew much about Whitney’s background/personal life other than her being a super sweaty crack addict with Bobby Brown because that’s what was happening in my formative years. I missed her glory days in the early 90’s because I was an infant and not yet consuming pop culture. So color me surprised when this movie starts with Whitney and her bestie Robyn gettin HoT & HeAvY. I knew they were rumored to have dated at one point but I didn’t know they lived together and then when Whitney got her record deal she was like let’s just be BFF’s, no scissoring now. And that was it. Robyn just stepped down as her girlfriend and worked for her for like 20 years. WHAT A HERO. That is the true definition of a bigger person. Gets dumped so Whitney can look like a hetero to the press and have kids one day and homegirl still stands by her. Anyway, that’s not really a spoiler because the movie spends like 10 minutes on this but clearly that was the biggest takeaway for me, Robyn is a ride or die. I guess that phrase is a scooch insensitive seeing as we all know how this movie ends. But you get the point. The movie also clued me in to what a BFD the below performance was and how basically no other singer would be able to vocally accomplish the range in this medley.

Love Again

One of my favorite traditions in life is to watch something horrifically bad and then pretend it was good to get someone else to watch it and suffer alongside me. This tradish goes hand in hand with my hard and fast rule that if I have to see or hear something terrible, everyone else does too. My sister is well-versed in this as she’s usually the unsuspecting victim who will get a random picture of an ugly baby on a Wednesday. IF I HAD TO SEE IT SO DO YOU, BOO. And with that precursor, I think we can conclude how this movie was. I’m always hard up for a new romantic flick and I was rabid to consume this, I think I caught it on opening night (Yikes, Julia, get a social life.) I wish I could’ve unseen it. Celine Dion plays herself in this movie and for whatever reason doles out love advice while the male lead listens to her music on repeat and quotes her lyrics back to her. I love the SHIT out of Celine Dion. She’s a hitmaker and a legend and her French Canadian accent will forever make me giggle. And yet, I don’t need a romantic drama centered around her giving dating tips. Also the premise of this movie was CREEEEEEPY. Mira loses her boyfriend in the first 5 mins and we watch her go through the stages of grief and then start texting her dead boyfriend’s number as if he can read it in Heaven. And Rob accidentally receives these texts. Whoopsie, guess phone numbers don’t die with people, they just get transferred. Classic mixup except that this stranger READS ALL OF HER MESSAGES and uses them to find her in real life and pretend they just bumped into each other and start dating. EW TIMES A MILLION. Even my homeslice Celine couldn’t fix this atrocity of a movie with a power ballad.

Love At First Sight

Bringing things back up with this one, I swear you can always count on movies meant for teens to clean up the mess that romances about thirty-somethings made. Hadley and Oliver have the meet-cute of the century when they end up on the same flight to London just falling in love in the air. Every time I’m on an airplane I wonder if I’ll meet the love of my life and then within 4 seconds of taking off when I immediately go lights out I remember that if anyone ever talked to me for the entirety of a flight, I’d be one of those people who opens the emergency exit just to see what happens. Being stuck on a stinky recycled air tin can with your knees to chest is already punishment enough, no need to add chitchats. Luckily for these two cuties, they were flying business class and got all of the perks of the rich so it was like a 7 hour first date and not mid-air get to know each other torture. Classic rom-com trope: not getting each other’s number and having to find each other in a big city. Supes realistic, but this movie had weddings and funerals and young love and it was a fine little Friday night flick. I ugly cried but that’s not saying much because I do that a lot. I just have a lot of feelings. PS I thought FOR SURE the dad in this movie (Rob Delaney) was a gay guy trying to play a straight and not really succeeding so I raced to IMDB to look him up and it turns out he is very much married to a woman and let me tell you…overtly flamboyant is a CHOICE for playing a straight dad. Totally threw me off.

Beckham

4 Episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)

I was SO excited to see a doc about Becks and even more so when they teased a clip of Victoria sharing that they both came from humble beginnings and Becks pokes his head in the room and goes let’s be honest, Victoria, what car did your dad drive you to school in? And when she answered a Rolls Royce after he forced it out of her, he ducked back out of the room. You mean Becks and Posh were British pop culture royalty of the 90’s AND they’ve got witty banter?! Sign me up. Well that clip was mostly false advertising as this was really a doc about David’s soccer career. Not really a soccer fan considering I’m a trash American who calls it soccer, so a lot of this was snoozeworthy. It did, however, give glimpses into their romance, which I ate right up. I didn’t know David was such a diva who demanded perfect hair at all times, nor did I know that the world literally shit bricks every time he dared to change his hairstyle. Guess we all feel invested in this perfect male specimen. True to a doc about famous figures, produced by said famous figures (ahem, the MJ doc) it was a real puff piece all around. We didn’t get any intel on the affair that Becks definitely had while he was in Spain, just a real gloss-over job of “that was a difficult time in our relationship.” Obviously I wanted the dirt, but they’re not about to air their cheating scandal out 20 years later. It’s a great watch for anyone who has followed Becks or his career through the years or likes sports, or for someone like me who is just nosy and looking for juicy tidbits. If I could watch a weekly reality show on David Beckham grilling mushrooms in his private kitchen and then kicking it with his wife and kids listening to Islands in the Stream, I’d be happy as a clam.

@tim_summerss
“THATS ALL I DO” #davidbeckham #beckham #netflix #netflixdocumentary #manchesterynited #manunited #manu #hollywood #celebrity #celeb #realmadrid #psg #lagalaxy #networth #fyp #hot
♬ original sound – Tim Summers

@harpersbazaarnl
David & Victoria Beckham dancing together in their new documentary: ‘Beckham’ Footage: Netflix #victoriabeckham #davidbeckham #beckham #netflix #documentary #beckhamfamily #dancing #harpersbazaar
♬ origineel geluid – harpersbazaarnl

Fair Play

This movie came out and I kept seeing tweets about it so when my mom asked me what she should watch, I told her this title and said I hadn’t had a chance to see it yet but it’s been buzzed about. Wouldn’t you know that sneaky lil B mom of mine watched it and goes, “it was interesting” and so I watched it a couple nights later and it was APPALLING. Did my mom just beat me at my own game?! Did I inherit this game from her?! It’s all coming together. WHAT A TRAP that I watched this. The opening scene is Emily and Luke sneaking off to a bathroom at a public party and when Luke goes downtown on Emily, he comes back up lookin like a crime scene and her silk gown is covered in her own blood. YUM! And THEN he proposes. WHAT A FAIRYTALE. My first thought was EW my mom watched this immediately followed by DOUBLE EW my mom watched this and then was like you should watch too! The rest of this movie was downhill FAST. Emily and Luke are both sellin stocks and she gets a promotion and he doesn’t and he turns into a real dick about it because his precious man ego can’t handle her being better than him. Tale as old as time. It was two hours of Phoebe Dynevor struggling to mask her British accent because she was supposed to be from Long Island and it ended in one of the weirdest standoffs I’ve ever witnessed between a couple. A real shitshow start to finish proving that just because there’s buzz on Twitter, doesn’t mean something is worth watching.

No Hard Feelings

I’m aware of the fact that this was actually a blockbuster release in theaters before it made its way onto Netflix. Other than pulling a big name like JLaw, I’m wondering why this movie got funding to be a theater release. In a rather washed up comedy trope, Jennifer’s character Maddie is a broke a$$ bitch looking to do anything to save her childhood home from being snatched back by the town, and Percy’s weirdo parents are willing to hand over a car to anyone who will boink their introverted 18 year old son. Maddie is supposedly 32 in this movie and goes hard in the paint tossing her hot pocket at an 18 year old who looks like he’s about 15 and that’s where I’m out. It was giving off big-time statch rape vibes and I cringed so hard that my face hurt when this movie concluded. Not to be sexist but when older men pursue younger women, the women at least LOOK like they’ve hit puberty…guys these days look like they’re 12 until they’re 30. I don’t make the rules, I just know I don’t want to watch a romcom that is eerily similar to a Lifetime movie about Mary Kay Letourneau. Why do you think they cast 30 year old dudes in high school shows? So we don’t feel like a bunch of pervs lusting after a senior with a six pack DUH. Anywho, this movie made me WANT to cover my eyes many times and *ACTUALLY* cover my eyes during one particular fully nude fight scene. PS Matthew Broderick’s look in this movie is also pretty jarring. A far cry from the leopard vest wearin’ babe soda he once was as Ferris Bueller.

Super Pumped: The Battle for Uber

Showtime & Netflix, 7 episodes (60 mins)

Quick rundown of this series and every other series that focuses on someone from Silicon Valley: they are a selfish and greedy asshole. That pretty much sums it up. The Zuckerbergs, Jobs, Musks, Gates, and Bezos of the world are all the same. They’re smart but they’re also not above stealing ideas or breaking laws to get what they want. And Travis Kalanick of Uber is no different. Do I love and regularly use every single product that all of these white men have “created”? Sure do. But that doesn’t mean I need to see Hollywood make another biopic or series about a self-centered butthole who tries to justify being a terrible person by calling himself a “disruptor?” NOPE. Do yourself a favor and skip this one because it’s the same as all the others. Also, FWIW, super boring and drawn out. Not even my Lord and Savior Coach Taylor could make this palatable.

Old Dads

This is the EXACT movie you’d guess it is once you see that Bill Burr wrote, directed & starred in it. So if you want to be angry at the world in all of its wokeness, saddle up partner. There were a few moments where I laughed out loud but mostly it was just the same old jokes with heavy handed old school conservative vs new age libby undertones. As you might infer from the title, this movie is about three old dads. They work together and are navigating parenthood for the first time as a bunch of old crusties and basically fighting with every youth they cross paths with. It serves its purpose in making fun of the current state of the world and I didn’t mind it but if Bill Burr’s rageaholic style of comedy isn’t your preferred brand, I’d say don’t tune into this flick. Also, I may have gotten more than a little triggered when their new boss who is in his twenties calls himself a “disruptor” because I had just finished binging the aforementioned series about Uber-douche who used the term disruptor 8 zillion times and if I ever hear that dumbass buzzword again it’ll be too soon.

Pain Hustlers

When Netflix is on a whirl with something, they don’t stop until every angle of every story has been told and that’s certainly the case with the opioid crisis. I feel like I’ve seen about 5 options just in the past year of big Pharma related content. Spoiler alert: the doctors and drug sales reps of this industry are JUST AS TERRIBLE as the silicon valley turds. Three cheers for the richest people in our country also being the worst! And probably getting richer the more we write books and create movies about them!!! Despite the world going to hell in a handbasket and me sitting on my couch shoving a cookiewich into my cookiewich hole consuming it all for entertainment, this was a decent movie. I mean, I don’t know how it couldn’t be with Chris Evans and Emily Blunt at the helm. Based loosely on true events not an actual person, Liza Drake’s a poor single mom who can’t seem to make enough money to take care of her kid until she finds herself working as a pharmaceutical rep and skyrockets into richie rich-land unfortunately at the cost of basically anyone who uses this drug. The company gets the Feds on their tail because apparently when you prescribe fentanyl spray to people who have addictive tendencies for a migraine and not for cancer side effects, you’re probably going to get those people hooked and/or overdosing like nobody’s biz. I may have never dabbled in recreational drugs but every idiot on the planet knows fentanyl is the big bad wolf so suuuure let’s just spritz it on our tongue whenever we have an ache or pain! PS Phoebe can take an acting class or two from Emily who flawlessly gave us a Florida accent in this movie with no detection of her Brit roots.

Get Gotti

3 episodes (50-60 mins ea)

With Italian blood flowing deep, it would be sacrelidge of me not to love a good mafia joint. I’m all over any new peek behind the curtain of Cosa Nostra like Sunday sauce on a meatball. In fact, when I studied abroad in Italy, I took a whole class on the mafia. Gotta pay respect to my ancestors where it’s due and obviously the only way to do that is to watch a series about how BALLER it was to be a mafia boss and thank my lucky stars I was never alive during the height of this madness because I would truly poop my pants. Gotti made the mafia a little *too* mainstream in the 80’s acting more like a celebrity and less like a guy who kills people for a living and unfortunately, it didn’t end so well for him. But this series showed me what a disaster it was for THREE law enforcement branches to take him down and I know I’m not supposed to laugh at the incompetency of cops and cheer for a stone cold killer but it is a little bit funny that between local, state, and federal investigators, they were ousted by a bad guy this many times. This series wasn’t too drawn out like many can be and I’d definitely recommend to anyone like me who is a crime/mafia junkie.

Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had

Every once in a while I dabble in the latest stand-up special that drops. I’ve seen Heather before via her podcast or TikToks that she does and I think she’s pretty funny. Unfortunately, that didn’t translate to stand-up comic level of funny for me. Comedy is super subjective and different brands are not everyone’s cup of tea. So I guess I can’t really tell you whether this is worth watching or not but I can reveal that I didn’t laugh at one joke, and I’m gonna go ahead and declare it a bust for me, personally. She talks a lot about her childhood, her weight, and the death of her dad, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Big Vape: The Rise and Fall of Juul

4 episodes (45 mins)

I don’t even know why I smashed play on this. To be honest I only just started it as I wrote this blog and immediately in epi 1, my trigger term disruptor was used and I wanted to Hulk Smash the TV. This series follows the rise of those little thumb drive lookin ciggies that have become all the rage with the youths. I was clearly looking to get pissed by watching this because I famously make fun of Gen Z on this blog and Juuls and vaping is EXCLUSIVE to that generation. Dressing like the Olsen Twins circa 1993 and pluming it up on a flash drive. That’s what they do best. One kid featured in this doc had a collapsed lung from how much he was vaping and he RECORDED them inflating his lung again for the Tok. Ope, hang on a second, Doc, gotta make sure I set up my tripod/ring light and catch this for all of my followers! OUR FUTURE IS IN THEIR HANDS. Ok now I’m just getting mad about it again and basically transforming into Old Dad, which honestly is my personality anyway. The best/worst part about this series is that they created Juul to be HEALTHIER than cigarettes. LOLOLOLOL, yeh, sure, ok, babes.

Love is Blind, Season 5

11 episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)

Obviously this show is not new and I’m not recommending it as it’s been around for quite a few years now. I’m here to cancel it. That’s right, The Salty Ju cancels Love is Blind. This last season which ended mid October SUCKED. It sucked so bad that I think the entire premise has jumped the shark. Love is no longer *TRULY* blind. They couldn’t even drum up enough couples to follow this season. They’re casting people that have already dated, they’re erasing couples from the edit with no explanation, past cast members have publicly declared they were starved and emotionally abused in the process, half of the couples break up or get divorced after their final reunion or “catch-up” episode airs. It’s just all shady shit. It’s not even fun to laugh at these clowns anymore. (With the exception of the photo above, the only time I truly laughed out loud this season when they did Izzy the DIRTIEST and had him sitting like a toddler with his legs dangling as he tries to impress his future bride’s dad who thinks he’s a poor schmuck.) We will never be able to recreate the magic of Shane looked tweaked out as shit on his wedding day, try as he might to keep doing so on the interweb. Even host Vanessa Lachey pissed people off so much during the Season 4 reunion that I thought for SURE she’d get bounced and yet she was back this season after a stern meeting with HR I’m sure, as she was notably more subdued and not foaming at the mouth asking if each woman was ovulating and when they would present the first LIB child to sacrifice at the altar. At this point I can’t stand Vanessa so much that I hope the show gets cancelled just so she’s out of a job because she 100% should’ve been shit-canned after S4. So you heard it here first, LOVE IS BLIND IS DEAD.

Might I suggest an alternative? Hop on over to the Bravo universe where there are 14,000 reality shows full of dummies to immerse yourself in. Not to brag but I decided at the beginning of September that I was sick of being left out of the Summer House dramz and watched all six seasons and the two seasons of chilly spin-off Winter House in less than a month. When I put my mind to something, I really get after it. Instead of enjoying the last warm weekends of a beach summer, I was Mrs. Send It with Kyle, Amanda, Carl, and Lindsay right in my living room. Who needs real friends when you can just rip and tear it up with a gang who can afford to live in the Hamptons every summer and wreck the mansion they rent by filling the pool with tea for their 4th of July party?! If this doesn’t show you how qualified I am to deliver hot takes on the latest streaming content, I don’t know what does. Strap in for winter folks, cause it’s gonna be a long one.

Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2022 Edition

It’s 2022, baby! We’ve got about 6 zillion streaming services and FINALLY they’re all making original Christmas movies. We are no longer SHACKLED to a network geared toward the middle-aged female demo making four of the exact same movie starring Candace Cameron Bure each and every year with the grand finale being a Sahara desert dry brushing of lips. We’ve got OPTIONS now! When I sat down to make my list of preferred flicks to watch, I clicked through 174 BRAND NEW original Christmas movies. And from that monster list (shout out Entertainment Weekly), I narrowed it down to a conservative 33 movies as a guideline, adding and deleting along the way. Let the records also show that CableTV.com put out a call for one person to be the “Chief of Cheer,” watch 25 movies in 25 days, submit commentary and get paid $2,000 for their services. I nearly broke my keyboard whipping up a lengthy rambling of a submission PLEADING my case that I’m already the Chief of G-D Cheer and I deserve compensation for it for ONCE. Spoiler alert: I did not get the job. Big mistake, CableTV.com, HUGE.

For anyone who cares, here was my submission that was so unjustly overlooked. I hope everyone at CableTV.com gets coal in their stockings this year.
There’s truly nothing better than pouring myself a glass of wine, snuggling up on the couch in my sherpa-lined red truck blanket, staring at the twinkling Christmas tree in the corner & smashing play on a holiday movie. It is the true meaning of Christmas.

Not only do I enjoy consuming a sleigh-load of holiday movies each year, but for the past 8 years I’ve maintained a pop culture blog (thesaltyju.com) and each year I recap the newest Hallmark & Lifetime holiday movies and share my opinions with the world (whoever stumbles upon my blog.) Considering each streaming network is now competing for who can release more original holiday movies each year, this is quite an undertaking and I feel as though my fervor to watch each one and record my thoughts before Christmas Day is impressive. I’m dedicated to watching overworked corporate girlbosses return to their sparsely populated hometown and fall in love with the local carpenter as they harmonize at the church Christmas pageant that they managed to cobble together after many holiday hijinks, sharing one chaste kiss under the mistletoe as the credits roll. And if I’m that dedicated WITHOUT pay, imagine the effort I’ll put in with a little incentive?!

Even though I make time for 20-30 new holiday movies each year (while keeping Hallmark running in the background as I “work” from home so I can rewatch old ones as well) I always make sure to revisit the classic Christmas movies I grew up on. Each Christmas season *must* include Home Alone (1 & 2), Elf, I’ll Be Home For Christmas, The Santa Clause (1&2), Love Actually, Miracle on 34th Street, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation & The Grinch. Of course, I’ll make room for new classics to be sprinkled into the mix, most recently Netflix’s The Christmas Chronicles has become a fan favorite in my household of one. Kurt Russell gave Santa an edge that we haven’t seen since Tim Allen in the early 90’s and I can always get down with a cool Santa sax solo.

Anyway, as you can see, I’m already crushing it as a Chief of Cheer every holiday season like it’s my J-O-B, so why not get paid for it?! I would LOVE the opportunity to watch Christmas movies and share my feedback with CableTV.com. Thank you so much for your consideration and keep the change, ya filthy animals!

Anywho, back to the matter at hand, Hallmark has really jumped the shark since the aforementioned CCB left and now that the streaming services are releasing their own Christmas movies, pumping a fraction of our ungodly subscription fees into the production value, there really is no competition. That’s not to say I ruled out the OG giants of Christmas (Hallmark and Lifetime), but I will give you fair warning that in the world of streaming cable, you can’t have both. You either get Hulu Live TV with Lifetime or YouTubeTV with Hallmark. There’s a special place in hell for ex boyfriends who cancel their Hulu Ad-Free Live TV that they know you’re using, in PEAK Christmas movie season, without even a courtesy warning. Which is how I found myself scrambling to get a YouTubeTV subscription and therefore had no option but to F with Hallmark exclusively this year (Sorry, bout it, Lifetime.) So without further ado, I’ve divided by network–in alpha order–so you can roll right past the networks you’ve chosen not to pay for (or steal logins for.)

AMAZON PRIME

Something From Tiffany’s

A product of Reese Witherspoon’s production company, Hello Sunshine, the plot of this one is a wee bit of an engagement ring mixup. Ethan gets a big ole rock to propose to his LA girlfriend, Gary gets his girlfriend diamond earrings, their bags get switched and each woman opens up the wrong gift on Christmas day. Except instead of correcting the mixup, Gary goes pedal to the metal and proposes anyway with a ring he certainly doesn’t have the coin to pay for. We all know they have to make the current partner hateable so we don’t feel like it’s cheating when there’s a spark with someone else…but I feel like they went too far here. Gary the tattoo artist is a thieving scumbag. And word on the street is it’s ok to leave your fiance when he’s a poor dirtbag with no morals. This movie was kinda boring overall save for BFF Terri who provides comic relief and rips on the shitty boyfriend, but it’s a nice Christmas in the city story overall. Definitely can tell its got that Reese cashflow.

Your Christmas or Mine?

I guess this one was geared toward the younger crowd as it featured two college students. Ah, to be young and in love at Christmas with a posh accent. Leaning on the “let’s surprise each other” but do it at the same time and completely miss each other trope, James ends up celebrating Christmas with Hayley’s family in one town and Hayley ends up suck with James’ dad in another. Obviously neither one has told their family about the status of their relationship because they’ve been dating basically five minutes. Secrets are revealed, families are the worst, and the ONLY time I chuckled was when Hayley’s family shows up at James’ mansion (he’s a Lord) and make a comment about how she could’ve pulled a proper Meghan Markle. Otherwise, this movie is a dud and you couldn’t PAY me to spend a holiday with a brand new sig oth’s family WITHOUT THEM THERE. Pure torture.

CBS

When Christmas was Young

This is primetime. The big leagues. This movie premiered after 60 Minutes! What a lead-in. You know it’s good shit when it’s getting the Sunday night feature like it’s awards season. Happy to report it did not disappoint, especially since it was the last movie I viewed this season and I already had quite an ear full of “original Christmas songs” that made me want to scoop out my ear drums with a butter knife. With Sheryl Crow as an EP, you can trust the music will be legit and it sure was. Luke Dawson (hot name) is a doucheroni country music agent who gets fired and his last Hail Mary to keep his biggest client is to get the rights to a song written by Melody. Tale as old as time, Melody shows him the charitable and family side of Christmas so he stops being such a turd and Luke repays her by giving her song away anyway so he can keep his job. All’s well that ends well though, obviously in song. I really don’t have a lot of snark for this one because it followed the holiday movie formula to a T and it didn’t have any weird actors overdoing it in the background or terribly cringetastic scenes. Round of Applause for the Canadians here, they know how to make a solid Christmas movie.

GREAT AMERICAN FAMILY

Catering Christmas

Molly is the chipper go-getter of a business owner trying to land a catering job for a rich family and Carson is the privileged nephew photographer of said family who has a boner for her. This movie was the equivalent of a Christmas cutout sugar cookie, sweet and basic. No major conflict, no exes to get rid of, and even when Carter had to pick going to Milan over staying in his hometown to be chairman of the family biz, it was *very* anticlimactic. Bonus Points for an opening scene of Carson sneaking up on his aunt and taking a picture of her before even saying hello…stalk, much?! And a suuuuper random side love story between the butler and the aunt that escalated very quickly. We went from sidelong glances to a proposal in RECORD speed.

HALLMARK

Haul Out the Holly

Holly’s parents run the neighborhood Christmas festivities every year and basically have been ruining her Christmas since she was born because instead of getting to open presents at home she has to be free labor for their festival. Less than 5 minutes into the movie we’ve got a “I’m not happy in this relationship” and Holly will be returning home for Christmas with her overachieving parents. Except this bitch has the worst parents in the world. Like someone commit these two clowns to a mental institute. Who invites their daughter home and is like, “Bye babes, Happy Christmas we’re moving to Florida right now! Sorry about your breakup, please watch our giant house and make sure it’s decorated up to HOA code!” There are no redeeming qualities to this movie as everyone is rude and weird & sketchy and she’s an ADULT. Say no and get the hell outta there! And the lead male HOA president nerdbomber is a fucking loser. I don’t care if he’s an architect, he’s giving citations for not having a porch nutcracker, someone needs to give him a swirlie and then stuff him in a locker. And OF COURSE he plays the guitar. Extra cringes for the classic bludgeoning of an all-time great Rom Com line with: “Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to be Santa.” WOOF. MAKE IT STOP.

A Cozy Christmas Inn

I only stomach’ed like 45 mins of this and I was barely paying attention but I knew the minute I heard two old biddies in a town with a stupid name say “Believe in the magic!” that this was very much not the movie for me. I dig Jodie but we all have to have boundaries and a movie where Santa is the main hunk’s dad is mine. I don’t know exact plot deets here but I know Andy is the ex and Erika is there to buy his B&B leading to the often predictable “PROMOTION OR LOVE” decision…but with lots of twinkle sound effects and lines like “stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart!” From someone who thinks exclusively with her heart this is BAD advice from the friend of the program. Extra cringies for Erika asking Santa (Andy’s dad) for Andy for Christmas. I almost puked in my hands typing that. And it wouldn’t be a “one of a kind town” without annoying AF side characters trying to bring main character energy. I don’t care about your small town life in Garland, old diner people, kick rocks.

Christmas Class Reunion

As a Julie Taylor fan (yes I’m using her character name instead of her real name) I had high hopes for this one. She’s cute, the lead guy is a babe, what could go wrong?! Everything apparently. The opening scene is a complete rip of the Carrie pig’s blood dumping but Hallmark style. Then we fast forward 15 years later to all of these goons and where they are now. The over-acting in this one is next level and the way that each character acts like where they are in life is the END OF THE WORLD. (I was unemployed and moving back home right around the time my high school reunion took place so let’s cool our jets with pretending life sucks when you’re all gainfully employed.) The couple that was soooo in love in high school is separated now (color me shocked) and is hoping the reunion would spark their magic again. Since Hallmark isn’t about showing divorce, I think we can safely assume nostalgia will trump couples therapy in the end. None of these fools have talked to each other in 15 years but doesn’t stop them from acting like they’re besties when they’re reunited and also I HAVE A BONE TO PICK. When will Hallmark learn to fill the coffee cups with at least water so everyone stops tipping obviously empty cups toward their dome piece and pretending to sip. Shout out to random unnamed co-worker of Julie Taylor for the most memorable line of the whole damn thing, “They’re saying it’s a federal investigation…as in the FBI!” Oh, is that what that is?!

#Xmas

Jen runs a home decorating shop with her sister and makes lil videos and Max is her BFF from college who helps photograph and film her. They decide to enter some sort of HGTV knock-off celeb couple contest for influencers posing as a married couple with a baby. Obvs they become finalists and let me be the first to say this Hally threw me for a loop. It didn’t really follow the formula and everyone pretty much hated Jen for most of this movie. Her mom, Max who has been in love with her forever with her friend zoning him HOARD. Jen was not a fan favorite and not to pile on but she still hasn’t gotten any better at doing an American accent since her days starring as Scarlett on Nashville. But as we’ve learned, if anything can make you stop being an asshole, it’s Christmas…and also pretending to be your nephew’s mom on a stage in front of tons of people when he says “mama” for the first time and he ain’t talkin to you. Pro Tip: If you want to make this movie more fun, drink every time Jen pops into “influencer” voice and worry about the future of our youth who live in influencer voice 24/7. For realz, I saw a middle schooler prop her phone on a shelf at Wegmans and start doing a dance in the aisle. #We’reAllFucked.

A Tale of Two Christmases

It’s on me that I didn’t read the description (or the title) with any sort of common sense and still chose to watch this. I can’t get down with groundhog day or magical alternate universe movies so as soon as Santa “granted a Christmas wish” and the clock stopped working I knew I was screwed. Not only that, but I was confused. When this parallel Christmas first started I had no way of telling which was which. I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I’m finally too stupid for Hallmark? Also ain’t that some shit that you tell some fat guy ringing a bell that you “just want something to work out for once” and you get to live out two Christmases to let you know which man candy to choose and how to crush it at your career. WHERE’S MY FAT MAN?! I’d love an insider tip, homeslice. I want to help my middle school bully sensually strip his chunky knit Christmas sweater off after declaring it’s hot in here! Anyway, no spoilers but Emma’s Christmas with fancy lawyer Max and her promotion to lead architect ends up being a real disaster and as it turns out moving home to Vermont and starting a biz with her dad and smooching the guy she grew up with is THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS. “You know I’m not perfect, right?” “You are to me!” AWWWWWGagggmylifeawayAWWWW.

HBO MAX

Holiday Harmony

Homeless chick Gail drives around the country in a van and does open mics, but she’s keeping her followers up to date on the journey which is high key obnoxious to watch her be an influencer who can’t afford an apartment but can afford to overshare. And wouldn’t you know her van/home gets totaled by a goat or something on her way to LA for her big break. The man, the myth, the legend, JD McCoy (clearly the Friday Night Lights characters are a HIT in the Christmas movie scene), is the mechanic who will fix her van and then make it rock if ya know what I mean, WINK WINK. Not gonna lie, grown up JD was doing it for me in this movie and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Sure, the movie took an emotional turn that I wasn’t prepped for but we got a sex scene. HELL YEA. HBOMax has no rules and I DIG IT. Unfortunately that’s immediately followed by children singing which is a big HELL NO. Overall dece movie but I’d be remiss not to shine a light on the worst part…the hispanic actress that I saw in THREE movies so far this year and she was playing a loud obnoxious caricature in all three. Was she running a special on “annoying over-animated screecher” as a character?! I was mega embarrassed for her every time she graced my TV this year.

A Hollywood Christmas

Jess is directing a Christmas movie about a lawyer shutting down a bakery and as it’s shooting, Christopher, a finance bro from the network, comes to shut down the Christmas movie division, Omg SO meta. A few minutes later I discovered that Jess’s assistant has a cartoon baby voice that made me want to blow my brains out and I PRAYED that her speaking role would diminish as this flick progressed. That was my one Christmas wish this year. And that Christmas wish was quickly shattered because this girlie was basically a main character flapping that squeaker of hers to point out all of the ways in which Jess’s life was playing out like a Christmas movie. It certainly didn’t help matters that I was already cranky and starving as I watched this movie on my colonoscopy prep day. The treat your real life like a Christmas movie WHILE filming a Christmas movie that has almost the same plot all voiced by lil miss helium pipsqueak was a hard no for me. I paused it several times and it took everything in me to finish it. Then it ended on a musical number to really seal its fate as worst movie ever. PS: STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE “IS DIE HARD A CHRISTMAS MOVIE” ARGUMENT CUTE FLIRTY DATING BANTER. IT IS NOT.

HULU

Merry Kiss Cam

Jess (clearly a hot name choice this year) is an artist and Danny owns a hockey bar that was passed down from his dad. Danny is also the hottie from Bring It On and dayumnnn he aged well. Anyway, the initial attraction between these two crazy kids is they both are adults who eat snow. And honestly I can see that being listed as a kink on a dating profile. “We’re the same kind of weird if…we both eat snow.” I really need to get off of the apps. But I’ve got nothing but love for this movie. I liked both of the leads, they had the most adorable couple banter and I love a good falling in love montage, which this gave in the form of smooching at college hockey games so they keep up their winning streak. My only snarky comment is that I wish she would’ve gotten those godforsaken bangs out of her eyes. If anyone is on the fence about cutting bangs, watch Jess spend the entire movie pushing them back so she could actually use her eyes while painting.

My Christmas Fiancé

This was so bad that I honestly double checked to make sure it wasn’t a parody and I didn’t fall for it. As it turns out, the creator of this movie was serious and for that I am so sorry. When the movie started and we were getting artsy shots of food in a prep kitchen I thought wow, these TV movies are really trying to make it to Cannes these days. But then as I kept watching it became clear that there is no shot this wasn’t a student-made film. Besides the next level bad acting that reeks of volunteers from class, the camera was constantly moving like a dad behind a camcorder. At one point, a waitress comes into the kitchen probably trying to do a different accent then her own and goes, “what are you guys doing here” and I swore I was losing my mind and/or tripping on shrooms because I thought somehow my TV switched to slow motion cause it took so long for her to get that sentence out. And the CHERRY ON TOP is that this abomination to the term movie actually had a recognizable name in it with Denise Richards. I watched the whole damn thing and I still have no idea what Denise Richards’ role was other than to pop up and watch the main characters cr33p style or say a few incoherent words here and there. I don’t think even she knew she was on a movie set. She probably thought it was for her OnlyFans. I would say skip this movie but I also kind of want someone else on this earth to have gone through the torture that was watching it so pls report back so we can commiserate.

LIFETIME

Steppin into the Holiday

Billy Holiday gets fired from his dance show with his wife (IRL) because what is a holiday movie without Mario Lopez’s entire family making a cameo. He goes home for the holidays and sees an opportunity to keep twirling with his nephew’s dance teacher Ray. It may be disrespectful to critique the children in movies but this one deserves to be knocked down a peg or two. Billy’s nephew is the most annoying little shit in the history of annoying little shits. He’s a TikTok dancer who thinks he’s going to be famous so he stops studying at school so he can record himself shimmy shaking. As my sister and I noted out loud anytime he graced the screen, “what a cocky little fuck.” Besides CLF, the aforementioned obnoxious side character actress from Holiday Harmony also plays Billy’s sister (annoying shit’s mom, go figure) and gives off a REAL weird sibling energy. It goes from immature to flirty real quick when she tells him they should wrestle for the bed closest to the door. It gave me all of the ickies. Thank GOD for Cheri Oteri popping in throughout for a much-needed case of the giggles.

Cloudy with a Chance of Christmas

No. Just, no.

NETFLIX

Falling for Christmas

Sierra is a rich, spoiled asshole with an obviously gay influencer boyfriend Tad. Mid-proposal, they both fall in an avalanche or something equally as ridiculous and Jake, the small resort owner that’s about to go under, claims Sierra because she doesn’t remember who she is. Since they had a not so pleasant run-in while Jake was asking Sierra’s dad for funding to stay afloat, I thought we were watching an Overboard remake where Jake was going to punish Sierra by making her live like a commoner and learn the value of a dollar. But it turns out this guy is really dumb enough to not remember someone yelling at him one day prior and had no clue who she was until the end. There’s a magical Santa that plays absolutely no role in the greater plot other than appearing with sleigh bells music every once in a while and giving a creepy smile. Most importantly, we are served with the most horrible hair in the history of men’s hair that I was so disgusted by I got right up on my TV and rewound to snap some pics for proof.

IS HE PULLING THAT FACE BECAUSE HE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF HIS OLE PLASTIC HEAD ASS IN THE MIRROR?! BOOM. ROASTED. Shout out to my girl LiLo for a solid comeback and one of the few somewhat enjoyable movies this year.

Christmas with You

If I had a dollar for every time I typed the sentence “this is next level bad” into my notes app during a holiday movie viewing, I’d be able to afford the houses that all those cool kids my age are getting. Angelina is a popstar who needs to write an original Christmas song for her label and Miguel is a music teacher whose daughter is obsessed with Angelina and makes a TikTok that she notices. And that’s how two sassy ladies (Angelina and her comedic relief assistant) end up hitting up a 14 year old and her old ass dad for inspiration. Seriously, there’s no planet where I believe this hot tamale of a popstar is getting sucked in by a 46 year old man. Oh shit, nevemind, I just IMDB’ed her age and she’s 44 proving the theory VERY wrong that men age better in this scenario because I thought for sure this chick was 30 tops. Hand up, I judged the age difference here and there is none. Whoopsie. Anyway, it still doesn’t justify a very sensual dough-touching scene for these two to have while the rest of the fam makes ‘let’s get it on ‘eyes at them, INCLUDING THE TEENAGER… CRINGE MY LIFE AWAY. Unfortunately, this was also hands down the worst original song I’ve ever heard and that’s saying a lot considering I watched the Netflix original Purple Hearts where they pounded their original ditty into your brains by performing it 16,000 times. She even switched into Spanish for a hot second too so this song could blow in two languages! Feast your ears on this fiery hot garbage that somehow even fictionally got a slot on SNL. IS LORNE DEAF?!

The Noel Diary

My mom and I sat down to watch this one together and I had to run an errand and she asked if she should pause it. I told her I’d catch up. Came back with a half hour left and had the whole thing figured out so I guess I’m not too dumb for Netflix, which is comforting. This movie is obviously made for moms all over the world who think Justin Hartley is charismatic and dreamy. I’m not sellin what he’s buyin, so I could really judge this movie without falling for his movie star smile. Leaning a little more on the dramatic side, Jake goes back into his family history after his mom dies to reconnect the maid with her long-lost daughter who he obv can’t resist. My bone to pick here is that this girlie full-on cheats to be with him. Clearly no one at Netflix is doing their research cause that’s a hard no in holiday movie-land. You don’t cheat, you just emotionally connect with someone better and then your partner does something horrible and inexcusable and you don’t have to feel guilty that you don’t actually love them. DUH. But don’t ask me what I think of this movie, ask my mom who was sobbing on the couch as the credits rolled.

I Believe in Santa

Magazine writer Lisa says the word wiener to her boss within 5 mins and I was sold…until I laid eyes on Tom. This is the creepiest male lead I’ve ever peeped and I am not exaggerating when I say that this guy would be much more fitting for a serial killer / stalker role in a Lifetime movie. How quickly it can go from wiener jokes to the cringiest movie alive. Lisa hates Christmas and Tom is so obsessed with it that he should be on a watchlist. Then she discovers he genuinely still believes in Santa and judging by her sticking with him in the end, they probably both could benefit from therapy. As much as this movie gave me the uncomfies every time Tom’s face graced the screen, what really jammed my glock was the way Netflix was trying to hide deeper lessons about religion, race, and humanity into arguments about Santa. That was more than I was willing to learn from a low budge Christmas flick. Not trying to contemplate the existence of God in my pjs while I wrap Barbie’s on a Saturday morning, guys, so let’s cool our jets here. I do suggest taking this one for a spin if you’d like to have nightmares that feature Tom’s terrifying face for the foreseeable future.

Movies, Pop Culture, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2021 Edition

We’ve reached the point of no return. I am no longer even giving a “Watch” or “Skip” rating to these made-for-TV (or streaming) holiday flicks. This is my 7th annual blog recapping the art that is an awesomely bad cliche holiday movie and if you’re reading this I’m assuming you know that it’s a real love/hate relationship that I have with these hot garbage flicks. And by that I mean, every time I finish one, I hate myself a little bit more for having sat through it at all. So rather than slap a “must-watch” stamp of approval on anything this year, I’m going to get my jokes in, tell it like it is and let you decide for yourself if you’re willing to put yourself through it mentally and emotionally. If you enjoy torture and one lame dry as hell kiss at the end of a movie, stick to Hallmark…if you want to get a little saucy and see more sexual tension and tongue action? May I suggest a peruse of Lifetime or Netflix, even Peacock snuck in this year! Here we go…

I got straight duped with this one. Netflix hit me with the “this is a 98% match for you, WATCH IT NOW!” And I was like aggressive, but ok let’s see what this is all about. I gave it 25 minutes before I turned it off. Between the HEAVY Irish accents and the fact that the target age demographic was my mom (seriously, how old does Netflix think I am?!) and the lead actor who probably wasn’t even sexy 20 years ago aka the last time he was an age appropriate male lead for me…I’m sorry but for all of those reasons and so many more, I’m out.

The most unwarranted sequel I’ve ever heard of but isn’t that the name of the game for Netflix? People watched something so they crank out 5 more. If you missed my review last year of the OG, peep that here before getting the lowdown on *city lights.* I said it last year and I’ll say it again for the people in the back, Manny is the only star of this movie. I don’t even care about the lead couple, I’m only sticking around to see Manny’s goofy one-liners and funny faces. The good news is Netflix realized what a gem he was in the first and upped the ante for his role in the second. The third installment of this franchise better be all about Manny’s life or we riot. Right out the gate I’d like to let everyone know that there’s a PG-13 rating on this flick and boy do they earn it with a sensual sex scene in the first fifteen minutes. My sister and I had to cover her baby’s eyes as this was far too mature for a six month old to take in. If you’ve ever seen a sequel one time in your life, you’ll know that once the couple has gotten together, part 2 is all about how maybe they rushed into things and they’re not right for each other. Nothing screamed that harder than the rich boy doucher outfit Joseph dons to show off his life back in the city to his farm girl fiance Callie. The dude was wearing a white overcoat, white flare dress pants and loafers. We get it buddy, you grew up going to the country club for golf with the boys. For the rest of the movie we watch Callie’s younger sister who has no living parents left and is in the custody of Callie get straight up neglected and basically raise herself, sustaining a serious injury that no one gives a flying F about because big sis is preoccupied planning a fancy San Fran wedding. All the while, our villain (Joseph’s ex and co-worker) Victoria is out to ruin the wedding. Seriously, there’s not one scene where this hooch isn’t just peeping Tom’ing all over their lives while in bright red evening-wear. Hey guys, before you get caught up in making out, maybe notice the devil 4 ft away from you glaring at you…But all’s well that ends well when Manny tries to ask out Callie’s BFF while she has her arm directly inserted into a cow’s vagina. Thank God for Manny, his cow-spotted nightgown wearin’ ass deserved to find love.

Bonus Points: One of Joseph’s “city friends” (skankwads) greets him for the first time in a year by doing a two-handed slide and scoop on his butt while he’s bent over cleaning something up in a public hotel lobby. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! Is this the new era credit card swipe? IS THIS HOW FRIENDS GREET EACH OTHER IN SAN FRANCISCO?! Doing the ole 10 finger wiggle near someone else’s butthole…in white pants no less..seems like pretty dangerous territory, especially while the receiving end is bent over at a 90 degree angle letting it all hang out. We gotta get on the same page about how we catch up with old friends in different states because I really feel like I’m missing something here.

I’m a little bit cheating with this one because I feel like it came out FOREVER ago but it IS a Christmas movie and it WAS terrible so I feel like it’s important to include it. I had high hopes because Christmas movies can have raunchier humor over in the no rules land of Netflix. Also, Darren Barnet has proven to be quite a babe in Never Have I Ever (great show.) Natalie writes a dating column about her online dating mishaps. She meets Tag on an app and even though he lives across the country, they have such a good long distance connection that she thinks he’s the one. She flies out to surprise him for Christmas and realizes she’s been catfished by Josh–who as you can see looks drastically different from Tag. It’s one of those movies that is supposed to point out that we’re all shallow assholes and it’s more about falling in love with the person & all of their inner beauty than their 6 pack abs. Yeah, yeah, yeah we get it. Leave that shit for the real world. None of us are marrying someone with washboard abs so in all of my movies I WANT TO SEE THE QUIRKY GIRL END UP WITH THE SEXY BEAST. Is that really too much to ask? Regardless, this movie was painfully unfunny and it seemed as though Natalie’s only joke (and an overplayed one at that) was that her favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard. #CoolGirlNat

Bonus Points: Ever the feminist (who loves Die Hard, don’t forget) Natalie CANNOT STAND “Baby It’s Cold Outside”–how original I know–and so when they’re asked to sing a carol on the spot in front of the family, Josh and Natalie break into an impromptu 2021 version of the classic. Not only do they completely butcher a wonderful song, but I almost had to call the uncomfortable police from watching this scene. No words will do it justice but please PLEASE for the love of God, CAN WE BAN DRAWN OUT SINGING SCENES FROM HOLIDAY MOVIES?! It downright ruins my Christmas and NO I’M NOT BEING DRAMATIC, OK?!

My first Hally of this year and what a joyous occasion it was. I forced my ex boyf to watch it with me just like I forced him to carry my Christmas tree up my apt stairs and therefore the cutting commentary was UNLEASHED upon these poor unfortunate souls. It also happened to be chock full of ridiculousness & worth every snarky observation we made. Leah is about to turn 30 on Christmas Eve and also her brother decided to plan his wedding for that same night (TOTAL asshole move, if one of my siblings did this I’d get trashed at their wedding and make a scene while wearing a 30 crown.) Her childhood crush, Drew is back from his world travels to fix up his dead grandma’s house where he lived (next door to Leah) and wants to make sure the big 3-0 isn’t forgotten amongst the wedding kerfuffle. (Spoiler alert: it most definitely is.) The best part about this movie is the lead who plays Drew is fresh meat. He’s not a tired old recycled Hallmark actor who has been in 1900 holiday flicks, looking more weathered than Santa. He’s young and rocking that rugged burly man hotness. Total eye candy. And everything else pretty much goes downhill from there. Leah’s family is WEIRD. Her brother looks like he’s on coke 24/7 with the most expressive eyes I’ve ever seen and the parents are also vying for our attention with over-acting anonymous. They all interact as if they’ve never met each other. The brother’s fiance is named Julia and oh boy does that suck because she plays the bratty bride cliche the entire movie. Bitch flew to London 3 times in one year for a wedding dress from a specific designer. Obviously the dress got lost in a flight. We have a big build-up to the wedding dress she finally wears and it’s a short sleeve paper bag. Outside. On Christmas Eve. With snow on the ground. Hot tip: if you want to get lit up like a Christmas tree, may I suggest taking a drink every time any character references that they are in fact in Rose Lake. Nothing hits harder than a fictional town being forced into every single scripted sentence. Oh Christmas in Rose Lake? Nothings beats Rose Lake. I remember when we were growing up here in Rose Lake…

Bonus Points: Creepy brother has his bach party at their parent’s house and it’s ugly sweater themed. When Drew offers the groom-to-be a beer he replies, “Uh is there a mineral water, gotta fit into my tux.” God I want to punch this guy right in the face. Also, the girl who couldn’t possibly leave *Rose Lake* to travel the world because her local store needs her (yet she’s never once seen working at this store during the busy Christmas season) is gifted everyone else’s frequent flier miles for her 30th birthday. Wanna know how you’re the black sheep of the family? Your brother plans his wedding on your 30th birthday then gifts you with his leftover frequent flier miles and probably a used set of United ear buds. GOD WHAT AN AWFUL GIFT. Buy this girl a trip somewhere or just hand over cash. She probably can’t even use your miles to get a free magazine subscription, you cheap animals.

I had this on in the background while I was wrapping presents one night and even as background noise it was offensive to my soul. I’ll tell you the exact moment I had to turn it off because it still haunts me to this day. These two clowns pictured above are spending some quality time with a niece doing Christmas shopping (played by Mario’s actual daughter) and she pulls them over in a little town square and sets up her phone on a tripod and goes we’re gonna do this TikTok dance. They do one run through of a solid 30 second dance with intricate choreography. The little shit goes, “got it? ok let’s go” and then they just do the TikTok. One take. Full choreography. I’m not often overcome by a deep jealousy and outrage of something so unrealistic but as someone who has tried the simplest of TikTok dances meant for geriatric F*cks and can’t get through 3 seconds without screwing up royally, I CALL BULLSHIT. Get out of my face.

Bonus Points: Mario never ages and if anyone is going to nail a TikTok, it’s the guy who invented sitting backward in a chair and doing a smooth split to Barbara Ann

I appreciate Peacock making a name for itself right out the gate. Between Paris Hilton’s show featuring the QUEEN Kathy Hilton and a Real World-esque show taking the OG Housewives and sticking them on an island together for a week, this app is already worth the $0 I pay for it because I stole it from my ex-boyf, alimony style. Really all it comes down to is that the world needs more Housewives and Andy Cohen giveth freely (behind a paywall.) At first I was worried we were in for a holiday flick centered completely on two women in their forties bickering but the good news is this movie has LAYERS. And the layers are their children falling in love in a town where reindeer freely walk down the street. That’s something I can get down with. The boy (he’s 29, so it’s legal) is one of those classic pretty boy babes that Netflix keeps trucking out as high school movie leads as if anyone in your high school ever looked like that.

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A post shared by Kyle Selig (@kaselig)

Anyway, there’s some great backstabbing hijinks, a gossipy town, a badd bitch troop of girl scouts and young love at Christmas. What more could you ask for? Oh yeah that’s right, a cameo from the fabulous Sonja Morgan and Santa drilling Kyle Richards with a snowball. (Basically only watch this if you’re a Bravo-holic.)

Bonus Points: The two kids smash face for the first time and mid-tonguing the girl goes our mom’s won’t like this very much and the guy goes can you not bring up our mom’s right now? #BONERKILL

I sure do LOVE Canadians, Brits and Californian’s putting on a New Yorker accent that is over the top and makes me want to rip my ears clean off my head. NAHT. “Capisce” complete with 🤌 was used unironically in the first five minutes of this movie. But anyway, we can’t have Christmas without a royal pretending to be a commoner and falling in love with a street rat only for it to be revealed at an incredibly inconvenient time that he could buy the entire country if he so pleased. DD is part of a zany working class fam in Queens who has a number of incredibly weird Christmas traditions that they try to pass off as normal American. No one is having a snowman building competition in their neighborhood or a Christmas Wishing Tree festival, let’s not give Colin the wrong impression on what America’s all about during the holidays (shopping, drinking and eating cookies.) Colin’s trying to dodge an arranged marriage and stepping up to be King of his fictional country and pursue his passion of “music.” I put music in quotes here because when he gets recruited as the pianist for DD’s charity children’s concert, he plays jazzy cool upbeat piano jams while kids scream sing at the top of their lungs. Hot combo. Obviously the wishing tree brings them together in the end with lingering eye contact and a piano ornament.

Bonus Points: Coming in at number one for MOST cringeworthy moment of the 2021 movie season, the children are singing “Joy to the World” at a normal slow speed and Colin is playing the piano at twice the speed…and everyone is smiling and loving it. It sounds like absolute trash and that’s saying a lot considering every children’s concert sounds like forks in a garbage disposal. This fast/slow tornado in my ears took it to a whole new level and people in the audience were genuinely like wow this is amazing, real raw talent here, this guy should go on tour and not listen to anyone else on stage and just play whatever tempo and song he wants!

Last year we broke down the first lesbian Christmas flick and this year we’ve got some man on man action. Heavy hitters Jennifer Coolidge and Kathy Najimy essentially carried this movie for me. As the overbearing mom who just wants to be accepting and understanding of her son (she’s read books about loving your gay son) Carol demands to be called Christmas Carol for all of December and greets Peter and his roomie Nick with a “Sleigh Queen” sign in the driveway. I immediately love her. Then we’ve got Jennifer Coolidge as zany Aunt Sandy who jacked ornaments off her sister’s tree and was wearing them as earrings. Even though Nick and Peter have been roommates for life, Peter’s whole family wants them to end up together and boy oh boy is this family FULL of pushers as it pertains to his dating life. If they were my family I would jump off a cliff. Except Aunt Sandy. She can hang.

Bonus Points: A family dance party to Britney’s original Christmas classic My Only Wish (This Year) – suck on that Mariah. Honestly, a cheesy Guncle dance montage for #FreeBritney is way better than a try-hard tiktok hoochie dance…Lifetime and Mario Lopez, I’m lookin’ at you.

Sam’s a famous HGTV wannabe who is back home for Christmas for the first time since her and her high school sweetie broke up. And ope would you look at that, Coop and Sam have to work together to restore the inn and make Harborfest happen in honor of dead Rita (RIP Rita.) Here’s a new fun thing that Hallmark was hammering down our throats this year: the female lead is an “influencer” and super into social media and the small town aw shucks guy HAMMERS her for it until he sees by the end that social media isn’t the DEVIL. Coop openly mocking Sam for her IG story updates on their renovation progress and then loving the camera and being on her show with her by the end was LAUGH OUT LOUD hypocrisy. Here’s a tip, why don’t all you turds who are off the grid not come so hard at Instagram cause whatever homemade shit you’re peddling needs some sort of digital platform (in this case, it was wood-burned signs that looked like a kindergartner made them.) Also important to note that Jana Kramer got a very public boob job after her husband cheated on her for the zillionth time (and she spilled the tea on their joint podcast before finally kicking his sorry ass to the curb) and RIGHT off the bat in this movie that rack is prominently displayed in a lacy lingerie set. My exact note when my eyes popped out of my head seeing it was: “BOOB JOB IN RED LINGERIE.” It was so obvious that my sister also texted me about it too. Well played, Jana.

Bonus Points: The most unrealistic snowball fight scene I’ve ever laid eyes on. Even Twilight’s CGI vampire and werewolf battle scene was more believable than this. Is it Lifetime or are they trying to film the latest Marvel movie loaded with ex-lover sexual tension? Woof. The slow motion and intense music was cringe. Add all the gladiator music you’d like but it doesn’t cover up bad acting.

Bold of Hallmark to still be trotting out Rachel Leigh Cook as if she’s not at the age where she plays a mom to a teenager in most movies. I also laughed out loud at the fact that her name is Merry. Simple tropes for simple folks. Merry wrote a dating expert book about a fictional relationship that she “snagged” by following her strict rules of love. Obviously her boss finds out she’s not engaged and she’s actually single AF, so she takes a trip home with her bestie to figure shit out/fall in love with her bestie’s hot brother. And oOoh baby is this guy quite the Christmas ham. They meet (again) via a tasty naked run-in when he lays his chiseled bod on top of her as she’s taking a nap on his bed 🤤 Not only does Adam clearly work out, but he also drives a red pickup truck, adding all of the bonus points to his sex appeal. As someone who has fully embraced the red pickup truck with a Christmas tree in the back decoration style, covering my home in it, DAS MY TYPE. He can’t be PERFECT though, ladies, amirite?! He’s another one who clowns Merry for her social media usage. She takes a photo of her pie for the gram and he snarks, “Does that taste better digitally?” Sick burn, bruh. I liked her comeback better when she told him that picture would be seen by 3.2 million people with just one click. SO HA, BIRD BRAIN IN A SMALL TOWN DRIVING A DUSTY OLD TRUCK. TAKE THAT.

Bonus Points: (Seems to be a trend where my bonus points is actually the most cringeworthy scene of the movie) The most dramatic DON’T GO airport scene where Merry screamed at the top of her lungs and honestly I had the most secondhand embarrassment for someone who screams that loud without letting the other person speak. Yikes on bikes. Turns out, he wasn’t even going anywhere, so her blood curdling whiny “don’t leave me” was even MORE mortifying. Move to a different country and change your name immediately, Merry. Honestly, change your name anyway because 11 months of the year it just doesn’t work.

Normally a big fan of any holiday movie Joy stars in, this one was kinda lukewarm for me. I think it’s because the guy was such a wiener. They usually match Joy up with a hottie with a sense of humor and this guy was a little too whiny for me. Jamie and Emily dated for a few years and then he dumped her but decided to not tell his family because they all loved her so much. They’ve been broken up for 2 1/2 months, but they COINCIDENTALLY arrive in the same town at the same time for Christmas and the family assumes they’re still together. Rooooigghhtttt. Totally. Jamie continues to be a coward and not tell anyone the truth but obviously a couple that fakes it USUALLY MAKES IT! Except that I can’t get on board with Emily downgrading this hard. She’s cool and funny and well-traveled and while they’re playing family charades, Jamie guesses “you after you’ve had a few drinks” 15 times. He also broke up with her over the phone while she was in a meeting. Yikes, dude. When she roasts him for that I wanted to whoop it up from my couch. #TeamEmily

Bonus Points: A Christmas play where the wiener has to play a unicorn and a sassy grandma who tells it like it is when her grandson is being stupid.

Movies, Television

Netflix February Round-Up

I never realize exactly how much TV I’ve been binging until I have human contact and realize that 90% of my life updates are just Netflix series and movie recommendations. That happened to me recently and I realized that if I’m going to yap my face off about what I’ve been watching lately, why not recap it in blog form to benefit those of you who may not have all hours of the day to try each and every new addition?! See? Watching hours upon hours of TV has a PURPOSE when you write your own pop culture blog that barely anybody reads. You know how many hours are in a day when you don’t have a full-time job…A LAWT. It’s been a whole ass year of quarantine and I’ve watched more TV in this past year of garbage than in my 29 years leading up to it combined. If you’ll recall, I did a lovely binge recap at the beginning of COVID, and I’m happy to update you now on the latest and greatest in the past month or so on Netflix. *No Spoilers, just my highly regarded opinions*

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before: Always & Forever

Ok so obviously this is the third installment in squeaky clean teen trilogy following Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky. I’ve watched all three movies on their Valentines Day premiere weekends and yet I can’t say I’m a superfan of this storyline. Naturally, Peter Kavinsky is dreamy as hell as far as high school boyfriends who look like they’re 28 go, and the story is pretty well-rounded and not just focused on stupid teenage hormones…and YET there’s only so much John Corbett that can save a flick. The first one was okay, the second one was trash and the third one never needed to be made in the first place. I wish Netflix would stop automatically granting every teen story 3 movies upon its first release. NOT ALL STORIES NEED TO BE TOLD IN THREE PARTS. Obviously the first movie is the union of Peter and Lara Jean. The second movie is the childhood crush returns to town presence to ruffle the perfect relationship. And the third? The third was basically useless. These two are going off to college and in the land of high school relationships we all know that’s the kiss of death. We don’t need a movie about it. Was I just bored of this unrealistic storyline or was I personally victimized by the beginning of the movie when one of the high school kids said to another “at least you don’t have to wait for your acceptance letter in the mail like they did in the olden days?” I think we all know the answer here. When I attended college in 2009, I got my acceptance and rejection letters in the mail. On paper. SnAiL mAiL. That was 11 years ago and it is now considered the stone age to teenagers today. Nothing reminds you that you’re too old for watching a particular movie harder than them directly calling you geriatric. Put me in the ground, I’m over you losers. CAUSE APPARENTLY COLLEGES JUST SHOOT YOU A DM NOW IF YOU’RE IN. ***all the eye rolls in the world, I’ll never stop being bitter about this.***

I Care A Lot

I like to keep Netflix on their toes when they recommend shit for me. Oh you think I’ll enjoy the programming for 13 year old girls well BAM check me out watching this flick. I zig when they think I’m gonna zag. I gotta be honest, I saw this movie was up for a Golden Globe and since I try very hard to be that person who watches AT LEAST one critically acclaimed (up for at least one award) movie a year, I decided this should be it…mostly because I actually WANTED to watch Promising Young Woman but I refuse to ever pay for a movie in my own home. Unless I’m in a dark theater with a reclining chair and the greasiest of popcorn, you’re not getting a penny outta me. Anyway, this movie was AWESOME. As soon as I finished it and basically whooped it up at the VERY satisfying ending, I texted everyone I know to add it to their watchlist immediately. It’s twisty, it has crime, it has lots of swearing, it has a VERY tanned and white-toothed Chris Messina acting like a cocky babe soda (drool city, population; me), and most importantly of all, the main character played by Rosamund Pike is the WORST HUMAN ON THIS EARTH with her stupid designer outfits, blunt bob and vape pen that you just hope she chokes on. Plus, she won the globe for this part so you know at least the racist-ass HFPA liked this movie, Ch-ch-check it out!

Biggie: I Got A Story To Tell

As you all know, I’m a real doc nerd. This particular one was getting a lot of hype leading up to its release so I was ALL over it when it dropped. Here’s my background knowledge on Biggie: 1. I knew Biggie and Tupac had beef and Tupac is 100% still alive and in the witness protection program. 2. My roommate in college (also white as wonder bread like me) had her cellphone ringtone set to “Juicy” and every single damn time her phone rang I heard Biggie’s chubster mouth marbling “It was all A DREAM, I used to read WORDUP MAGAZINE.” 3. One time at Target I tried to buy the iconic Biggie with the crown on his head tee and my mom and my sister told me not to and it’s the biggest regret of my life. I would’ve looked cool as shit in that tee. So as you can see, I’m a diehard Biggie fan. Up until I watched this doc and nearly turned it off out of sheer boredom 5 times. This story could’ve been told in suuuuch an interesting way and instead it was an hour and a half of jumping all over the timeline, naming cross streets in Brooklyn and talking to the surviving members of Biggie’s crew who list all the other members by their 10 different nicknames. I never once knew who anyone was talking about. Probably the most shocking part of the doc was when B.i.G./Biggie/Christopher’s mom said she never once listened to his music, had no clue what he was doing 90% of the time and the only time she listened to his album was after he died. If my parents don’t read one of my blogs I immediately ask them why they hate me. How did she have a rapper son and never once heard him spit bars? Anyway, final rating: IT WAS ALL A SNOOZE.

Ginny & Georgia

In the words of my sister, better catch this one quick before that snowflake Taylor Swift cancels it. You might have heard about this show because they had a ONE LINER about “going through guys like Taylor Swift” and then Taylor decided to mount her white horse and try to take down the show and Netflix in one fell swoop. But here’s the real truth from the horse’s mouth. This show is actually one of those 2021 “woke” shows. It’s female-focused, it’s written by females and it tackles race, LGBTQ, self-harm, bullying, sex, relationships, crime AND MORE. It has a WHOLE lot going on for it to be shunned for a dumb throwaway joke. For those of you who might feel self-conscious about watching a teen-centric show, there is equal parts adult storylines that I actually really enjoyed. There’s a little intrigue and mystery of what the hell is going on with Georgia’s past to keep you going, plus she’s a mom with two kids from different dads, a VERY shady background and she has THREE babe sodas chasing after her. Basically Georgia is my hero. Get past the VERY cringeworthy virginity losing scene in the beginning between two fifteen year olds (seriously, one of the worst) and you’ll be off to the races. Also important to note: teenagers these days are basically the WERST. If I had to go through high school again, I’d KMS.

I relate to how much wine Georgia drinks in #GinnyandGeorgia and yet I don’t have kids, a bunch of dead ex husbands and an entire identity I’m running from so I’m wondering if I need to re-assess my wine intake.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) February 26, 2021

Eye candy for days though:

Moxie

This is 100% a teen feminist movie and naturally that’s the OPPOSITE of anything I’d be interested in and yet Amy Poehler created it and starred in it and I just love her so much that I gave it a go. Not an overwhelming recommend but also not the worst thing I’ve ever watched either. So basically I should be a film critic with that sentence. I was a little bitter when the girls all put their hands in a circle and chanted, “SI SE PUEDE” because that is a direct rip from classic DCOM “Gotta Kick It Up”, but otherwise there was a pretty adorbs first teen boyf storyline and Amy played *most obviously* the cool mom. I also feel that it is my duty to add that although I called the teen boyf storyline adorbs, their first date which led to their first kiss was the two of them laying in a LITERAL coffin together in a funeral home sharing ear buds. And that is not at all adorbs, that is a nightmare machine. Sry, girl. He can be the dreamiest feminist supporting your cause and telling you he wants to wait until the moment is right but if he snuggles with you INSIDE OF A COFFIN, it’s curtains on your relationship.

Pieces of A Woman

This was also nominated for a Golden Globe and I was really treating last weekend like I was screening the nominees before the big show…I also sensed it was going to be depressing AF and needed a good cry. It was real dark and real uncomfortable to watch. Not a recommend from me. The movie kicks off with the LONGEST home birth scene where I got a very realistic peek into what to expect when you’re expecting and I DON’T WANT IT. The lead was feeling nauseous while also having contractions and the amount of times that she burped or gagged, folks, we almost had a clean-up on aisle living room situation on our hands. I was feeling second hand retches just from watching. Unfortunately you watch this whole scene just to learn that the baby dies upon birth and the movie unravels the entire aftermath of that and follows the couple closely as they’re dealing with it. Hence: much discomfort. Shia LaBeouf plays a total scumbucket and although it’s not one of those artsy movies without a resolution, it reeealllyy didn’t feel resolved at the end.

Behind Her Eyes

The catalyst for writing this blog, I saw someone post a Facebook status about how the ending for this series was buh-nan-UHS and when I watched the trailer and got a little creeped out, I waited until daylight the following day to watch it so I wouldn’t crap my pants. AND BOY DID I WATCH IT. I watched all six episodes back to back in one sitting like the giant unemployed loser that I am. I just wanted to get to that ending. It was W I L D. I want to talk to everyone who will listen to me about it. The show starts out predictable and cheesy as hell with a guy sleeping with his secretary and the wife sneakily befriending her. Ho hum, Lifetime does this every weekend. Then all the sudden it was like invasion of the body-snatchers up in this B and I was all:

The ending blew my mind. Also SUUUUUPER dark. Not a happy ending in the slightest. Watch the following suggestion after this one to lighten things back up again. Also if you do watch this, get @ me so we can talk about that plot twist.

Nate Bargatze: The Tennessee Kid

So full disclosure, this is old but I just watched it for the first time the other night and I want to recommend it because in just a few short weeks, you’ll be able to watch a new special from Nate called The Greatest Average American. So basically I’m setting you up for a double feature of funny. I was strapping my lolerskates on to take a lap around my apartment after watching this special. At one point I repeated one of his jokes out loud TO MYSELF. I was watching by myself and acting like I was in a room full of people. Is that sad or is Nate just that funny? Don’t answer that. It’s the combination of his deep southern drawl and deadpan delivery for me. Looking forward to the next special. (Also if you’re into standup, 10/10 would also recommend Taylor Tomlinson’s special which came out about a year ago and kicked ass.)

BONUS:

This isn’t Netflix but I’ve also been all in on it (weekly, episodic) HBO Max has a documentary Allen V. Farrow featuring Mia Farrow and her 9000 children telling the story of their childhood and Dylan Farrow’s abuse from Woody as a kid. It’s obviously sanctioned by the Farrow family, not so much by Woody Allen. Mia filmed her children’s every moves so there’s a TON of original footage including the actual taping of Dylan first detailing the sexual abuse from Woody, which is incredibly disturbing. New episodes drop on Sunday nights. I want to make a zinger here but there’s really nothing funny about child abuse, especially when it’s one of the biggest filmmakers and he denies it still to this day. It’s pretty deplorable and credit to Dylan for making this documentary and telling her story.

Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2020 Edition

Hallmark and Lifetime (mostly Hallmark) have been in the crosshairs in recent years as society has become more “woke” that they’re not really all about equal Christmas love representation. It’s funny that everyone has an issue with representation yet no one feels the need to question how two individuals can get interrupted right as their lips are about to touch MULTIPLE times in a two hour timeframe. Seriously WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?! At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if small town folk started popping out of the bushes to interrupt these dry ass kisses. Putting my almost-kiss outrage aside (for now), you’ll notice that the networks are really trying to branch out so they don’t get cancelled. This year we had our first gay Christmas love stories AND our first wheelchair badass rollin on up to the party. Really keeping things spicy here and despite the fact that I am the MOST unemployed, I can only stomach so many of these movies without alcohol and people to roast them with so I did not up my quota of movies consumed this year. I’m trying to live by the theory that you’re not an alcoholic if you wait until after dinner to start drinking by yourself, so that was the only time I could get down with these flicks. (If you’d like my Hallmark drinking game, inquire within.)

Also important to note: though they’re concerned with representation now, that does not include youths. This was the first time I’ve ever felt too young for these movies with the leads they’ve been trotting out from the grave. Or in my sister’s words “Hallmark really dipped into the olds this year.” There comes a point in time where it’s no longer believable that 44 year old Candace Cameron Bure is single, childless, never been married and looking for love at Christmas. And that was every movie this year. These movies should not exclusively be a reunion tour of 90’s child actors. If they don’t sprinkle in some younger leads next year I’ll be forced to permanently move my attention to Disney +. DON’T MAKE ME DO THAT. Anyway, let’s GET READY TO RUMBLE, AWFUL CHRISTMAS MOVIE STYLE.

SKIP

A Very Charming Christmas Town – Lifetime (Natalie Hall, Jon Prescott)

This is your classic modern tale of Influencer or ASSHOLE?! Aubrey is an LA blogger and content creator who visits a charming town known for their Christmas tourism so she can review it for her blog. Obviously the second she gets there she’s out to shit on their “tourist trap schtick” and act like the kind of turd who stops in the middle of the street to take a picture for the gram and then gets mad when someone tells her to get out of the way. I hate Aubrey right from the start of this movie but what I hate even more is how creepy the male lead, Sawyer is. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen this gent in rotation before but he IMMEDIATELY gave me the cringies and there was no going back. In fact, if not for him, this movie would’ve been fine. Apparently in addition to Aubrey being a blogger, she also used to write country music hits. The fact that she’s recognized as a songwriter is laugh out loud funny because songwriters are like the least recognized people on this earth. Anyway, there’s an incorporation of her “original” Christmas song that makes me want to saw my ears off. Obviously the movie ends with a musical because that’s the trend of TV holiday movies now. SO MUCH GROUP SINGING.

Bonus Points: Sawyer holds Aubrey close to a candle, which is a weird enough thing to do on its own–are you going to light her on fire, sir? BUT THEN he makes it 6 trillion times worse by quoting her own lyrics back to her. RAPE ALERT. I crawled out of my G-D skin during this scene.

Operation Christmas Drop – Netflix (Kat Graham, Alexander Ludwig)

Erica is a tightwad workaholic who has been avoiding going home for Christmas since her mom died. She’s sent to this air force base to basically defund the military doing nice things at the holidays. Obviously it takes about 20 minutes for Erica to get on island time, swept up in Andrew’s beach bod and love for helping those in need. She’s got a raging charity lady boner for him. This was one of the first Christmas movies I watched this season and yet I declared in my notes that I’ve had enough of the impromptu Christmas music performances…followed by simply “STOP SINGING.” If only I had known that EVERY movie would feature all characters joining in song. Blow my brains out. There’s also a particularly outrageous CGI lizard that makes an appearance (really upping the production budget on these flicks) and the climax of the film is just people literally dropping shit in the ocean on Christmas Day. That’s it.

Bonus Points: A holiday party on the beach where “Clause” AKA Andrew tries to loosen up that tight ass Erica and tells her to just let go and dance. She lets go a little too far and turns into Elaine from Seinfeld. Everyone is embarrassed on her behalf. Maybe go back to being lame, Erica.

Happiest Season – Hulu (Kristen Stewart, Mackenzie Davis, Dan Levy)

This movie was a HUGE deal and was getting a lot of press leading up to its release for being the first gay relationship holiday movie with legit actors. Once I knew Dan Levy was in it, I was jazzed as hell to see what kind of snarky sarcasm we would be treated to. I had high hopes and they were obviously all dashed because we as humans should never have high hopes. Whoops did that get too dark for Christmastime? I’ll save it for New Years. Another night of ridiculous expectations that are never met. ANYWAY, if you’re wondering why I took a sharp left turn into the candy cane forest of heavy emotional trauma, it’s because that’s exactly what this movie did. What started out with a little casj reindeer cosplay with whips suddenly morphed into Harper bringing her live-in girlfriend Abby (who just bought an engagement ring) home for Christmas but telling her in the car ride there that she’s not out to her family yet and told them she was bringing her roomie home for the holidays. OUCH city. The remainder of the movie is basically just Harper being a total closeted doucheroni and treating Abby like she has gay cooties except for when she wanted to sneak into her room at night for a little scissoring of course. I hated Harper in this movie and it was obviously much more emotional and deep about secrets and coming out to your family than I was really expecting. Shouts to Dan Levy and Mary Holland for much-needed comic relief, and Mary Steenburgen for being an asshole mom who shoves her iPad in everyone’s face for Instagram photos. Who takes Insta photos with an iPad?

Bonus Points: Everyone blatantly asking Abby what it’s like to be an orphan. Also John killing a bunch of pets.

Candy Cane Christmas – Lifetime (Beverly Mitchell, Mark Ghanimé)

Beverly lazy eye Mitchell is Phoebe and guy who can’t figure out if he has an accent or not is Eric (I’m guessing by that very foreign name he has an accent IRL and sucks at an American one.) These two drive me f*cking bonkers the entire movie. In fact, I had it on in the background more than once and still found myself getting fired up the few times I paid attention. After right off the bat declaring they were both single, they kept running into each other as only characters of a rom-com can do and still jumping to conclusions that the other one wasn’t interested or was with someone else. Just cut the shit, you MF’ers and go on a date. After they FINALLY start dating and are happy as clams, Phoebe overhears a conversation and still assumes Eric’s getting back together with his ex and overreacts her face off, crying and avoiding talking to him. Are you five?

Bonus Points: Phoebe’s friend thinks her and Eric aren’t happening so she forces her to date a bald lamewad who hates Christmas. Instead of just being like no thanks, Phoebe keeps giving this guy a chance FURTHER CONFUSING ERIC WHO ALREADY ASKED HER ON A DATE AND ALSO THIS FRIEND SUCKS FOR SETTING HER BFF UP ON A TERRIBLE DATE TO BEGIN WITh. Ok. I’m done being triggered by this movie.

Christmas By Starlight – Hallmark (Kimberley Sustad, Paul Campbell)

Annie is kind of a loser but Hallmark makes her into a cute & lovable loser because that’s what they do best. She wears pajamas a LOT, is suuuuper obsessed with her Terrier and lives in like a basement apartment at her parent’s house. Obviously greedy lawyers are trying to shut down her family’s diner and she takes it into her own hands to demand that the law office knocks it off. This turns into Annie and cute but maybe gay lawyer William working together so they each get something that they want out of the deal. My family watched this flick together which meant that we sat there pointing and laughing for the full two hours. The very first thing I noticed and couldn’t unsee was that Annie’s mom’s face doesn’t move ONE SINGLE time. It turned into a fun drinking game. Drink every time ole plastic ass face is on the screen! My dad also was NOT a fan of this female lead and was basically openly boo’ing her. Tough crowd. There were a lot of similarities that I saw between this flick and Two Week’s Notice..obviously a poor man’s version because that movie is top notch. But the comparison got me thinking, it would REALLY spice things up if they had a poop your pants scene in a Hally. Try to work that in next year, guys. Totally more relatable than these two eye banging the shit out of each other to Silent Night. Just saying. In the end, SPOILER ALERT, both of these jabronis were fat in high school so they’re meant to be.

Bonus Points: Annie showing that she’s just SO down to earth because she eats a power bar at a fancy French restaurant after a Passport to Paris level spit take. She also wears ugly Christmas sweaters *unironically.*

Christmas Carousel – Hallmark (Rachel Boston, Neal Bledsoe)

A royal storyline because princes celebrate Christmas too, I have to be honest my sister recommended this one because she had her DVR set up for it and the minute I saw the male lead I texted her “this guy is beat, you cannot watch this movie.” And I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but sometimes a guy turns you off so aggressively that you cannot possibly get into the storyline. I “watched” this whole movie as in it was on my TV as I wrote this blog but all I retained from it was that he was royal and there was a weird singing scene with a creepy song and child. Age was apparent in both leads and as much as I’ve had enough with the singing I had even more of enough with the cryptkeepers’ Christmas tales. If my journey includes me looking for love at Christmas when I’m middle-aged, end that journey right now. I’m sorry. I support anyone dating at any age if that’s what they want. Love that for you. What I don’t love is watching it. It’s not hopeful. I’d MUCH rather watch people in their young twenties fall in love in 5 minutes and get engaged so I can cackle and say WAIT UNTIL YOU TWO MOVE IN TOGETHER THEN WE’LL SEE HOW IN LOVE YOU ARE. That’s my happy place. My sweet spot. Not being the last standing single amongst friends and family and having to settle for the first guy who wishes you a Merry Christmas. And that’s my unwelcome rant on Hallmark only gearing toward the middle aged market this year.

WATCH

Midnight at the Magnolia – Netflix (Natalie Hall, Evan Williams)

We’ve got a double feature from Natalie Hall this szn. And she really upgraded her mancandy for Netflix. At least this guy didn’t give me the heebie jeebies. Maggie and Jack are the kind of besties that everyone knows are going to end up together because they’re WAY TOO close to ever have other significant relationships and yet they’re the only two that can’t seem to figure it the F out. They host a radio show together and decide to fake date and plan a big reveal at New Years Eve because both of their sig oth’s dump them before meeting their families. As a former promotions coordinator in radio, this seems like an HR nightmare to manipulate a personal relationship for promo and marketing. But it really seemed to work out for these two personally and professionally because this is a movie and not real life. It’s totally one of those movies where there’s WAY too much family involvement (and an unwelcome fam group hug.) And of course, per this year’s trend, ends with an original song. Barf all over me.

Bonus Points: Maggie looks cute and normal the whole movie with long locks and then all the sudden shows up to the big party at the end with helmet head. Whoever did that updo/whatever we call this hack job should be sued for character defamation. In fact it was so bad that my sister texted me when she finally viewed it (with no prompting from me first) “wtf is up with this chick’s hair at the nye party?” It’s almost as if we’re related or something.

Five Star Christmas – Hallmark (Bethany Joy Lenz, Victor Webster)

I’m a diehard stan for Bethany Joy Lenz. I think she’s a total babe and typically her holiday movies are far more tolerable than others. This one features her family acting like they’re running a B&B with the home she grew up in because someone is coming to review it. So they all pretend they’re staff or guests which just turns into SO many hijinks. If by hijinks we mean them calling each other the wrong names a lot. SO SILLY. Anyway, there’s a grandma with a German accent that is ALMOST intolerable and lots of side stories happening with each member of the family. Even the dad is getting some lovin. Why? Cause it’s Christmas of course. Turns out the guy that Lucy is hot and heavy for is the reviewer that they were expecting. Classic mix-up. He wins her back after the family snafu by doing a weird Elvis impression in front of strangers. If someone breaks into song at the end of any movie I see for the rest of my life it will still be TOO SOON.

Bonus Points: In the first five minutes when Lucy says she stopped dating someone because he chewed with his mouth open. YAS GURL. SAME. Also when the “B&B guests” aka Lucy’s entire family decorates the tree together and her sister-in-law overreacts when the tree is brought in with “IT’s BEEEEAAAAUUUUTIFFUUULLLL” and a dramatic hand flourish. I wonder if the people in Hally’s go to a specific over-acting class before they book the role.

Once Upon A Main Street – Lifetime (Vanessa Lachey, Ryan McPartlin)

Amelia and Vic have both put an offer in on a storefront in the “perfect” spot on Main St so obviously they will battle to the death and try to bribe the owner of the shop to sell it to each of them. But the owner of the shop is Patrick Duffy and you can’t play him, he’s been around the block a time or two in the TV movie landscape. So instead these two will just fall in love and split the shop in the end, naturally. What lands this movie on the watch list is 1000% the side character of Rowena, aka “sassy pottery bitch” in my notes, who Amelia and Vic have to work with to win some Christmas award or something. In Rowena’s first scene, she refers to the local contest sourly and goes, “it’s not Jimmy Fallon or anything” and Vic says “what is?” and she replies dry as hell, “True, True.” It’s the first time I’ve genuinely laughed out loud at joke delivery in one of these movies and not at the person for their poor acting skills and cheesy dialogue. Sassy Pottery Bitch deserves an Emmy AND an Oscar for this role. The rest of the cast is just eh. If I had to venture a guess, Vanessa Lachey is pretty much playing herself.

Bonus Points: Amelia was a real annoying and over the top twat-asaurus in the first few minutes of this movie because she was overconfident about getting the building and pulled a sharpie out of her purse and WROTE SOLD ON THE BUILDING SIGN as IF THAT’S HOW THAT WORKS. To make matters worse she drew the O as a heart. Can you imagine if I put an offer in on a house and then just walked by and WROTE SOLD ON THE WINDOW? Then took a selfie?!

A California Christmas – Netflix (Lauren & Josh Swickard)

I started this movie and immediately texted my sister saying I feel like I’m in deja vu. Although this movie was brand new on Netflix, I felt like I had seen it before. Was I going crazy? Have I started to dream in shitty Christmas love stories? Have I just seen an ALMOST identical movie with these two “stars” somewhere else? As it turns out, yes. These two starred in “Roped” together which was another garbo movie on Amazon Prime about a rodeo coming to town and this bitch’s family trying to get it banned but plot twist she fell in love with the cowboy so that really threw a wrench in the horse shit. It was bad. Like embarrassingly bad. So bad I blocked it from my memory and leave it to my sister to make the connection and prove that we’re not going crazy, we’re just addicted to trash movies. ANYWAY, another fun fact is that these two probably met on that set, fell in love and got married because they weren’t married when that movie was made but they are now. Cue *we found love in a hopeless place*. Good for them.

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A post shared by Lauren Swickard (Lorynn York) (@laurenswickard)

Back to this movie, Joseph is Zac Efron Lite (give it a few minutes, but you’ll see it) who needs to prove his worth as a corporate hot shot in the family biz and goes to buy out a small family farm but pretends to be a ranch hand named Manny instead. This creates a whole side story of the real Manny who goes into hiding to teach Joseph how to do farm shit but also starts a bromance with Joseph’s driver. The real Manny is hilarious and I guess what I’m trying to say is the way to win my heart over with one of these movies is to put a silly side character in for comedic relief from all the sob stories. There are a lot of sob stories in this movie. It’ll go from the real Manny saying ““If you take a squat on a stump and take a dump does that make it a toilet-tree?” (Poop humor kills every time) to sad music and a graveyard. Real rollercoaster. But the most important factors are that both of the leads are babe sodas, plus it’s Netflix so there’s LOTS of kissing and none are interrupted. In fact we even get a S-E-X scene GASP. In a field! Netflix, we need more of your PG-13 activities each holiday season.

Bonus Points: Within five mins we’ve got a whole ass calf being pulled out of a cow. I saw April the giraffe give birth and honestly that was enough firsthand nature to last a whole lifetime. No more fluids for me.

The Christmas Listing – Lifetime (Lexi Giovagnoli, Travis Burns)

I gotta be real up front with you here, one Sunday I planted myself on the couch and watched FIVE (5) Lifetime movies back to back to back to back to back. In fact, I got a work call during one of them and I was legitimately T’O’ed that I had to mute it and do something productive. It was truly what Sunday’s are for. Especially at Christmas time. I started out with a cheerful vigor that I was about to just watch one and move onto something with more substance. And then they just kept rolling on and I became one with the almost kiss. Jk it still enrages me to no end.

I’m on a real tear with Lifetime today and after 3 movies in a row I can confidently say that no one commits harder to an interrupted *almost* kiss like this network does. There’s been about 5 per movie.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) December 7, 2020

I got annoyed because I had to mute my 4th Lifetime movie of the day for a work call, but FEAR NOT, I’m back in the game for lucky number 5. Am I getting dumber or are these movies getting better as the night goes on? The world may never know.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) December 7, 2020

Spoiler alert: I definitely got dumber. This one was lucky number 5 and it was 11pm by the time it was in rotation. I watched about 10 minutes of it. Here’s what I wrote in my notes: Babe soda Aussie, the girl is named Julia, is this a sign?! It WAS a sign. A sign that it was time for me to go to bed because there was nothing good about this movie other than the fact that the guy was of an appropriate age for me and handsome as hell. Take your W’s where you can.

Bonus Points: There was probably some sort of zany explanation for this but they were clearly at a house they didn’t plan on being at for a long period of time so they had to borrow clothes from guests left behind. All of their clothes were matching couples outfits. Nothing brings two people closer together than wearing his and hers Christmas sets.

Dash & Lily – Netflix (Austin Abrams, Midori Francis)

CURVEBALL! I figured since I tossed in a YA flick last year to keep things interesting, I’d add another newbie to this year’s list. It’s actually a series so it was 8 episodes, 30 mins. If you’re as much of a loser as I am, you banged this series out in an afternoon. Dash has a super messy family life which has turned him into a Grinch and he’s not even out of high school yet. Lily loves Christmas and also is JUST weird enough that she only hangs out with her family and has 0.0 friends. The two of them “meet” through a notebook and a scavenger hunt in a book store then basically become pen pals through said notebook because they’re in high school and they’re too insecure to meet in person. As someone who is still just as insecure now as she was in high school, I vibed with this. It was SUPER unrealistic of course, but after my obnoxious rant about Lifetime and Hallmark barking up the olds trees, I was happy to have some youthful spirit injected into my viewing szn. These two will probably break up by college but at least they’ll always have FALLING IN LOVE THROUGH A BOOK AT CHRISTMAS. Heartwarming.

Bonus Points: The Jonas Brothers. Not only did they make a cameo in concert form performing a Christmas banger, but Nick Jonas plays himself trying to give love advice to a bunch of high schoolers. It is perfection.

Cross Country Christmas – Hallmark (Rachel Leigh Cook, Greyston Holt)

Lena and Max are both heading home for Christmas and wouldn’t you know they’re from the same town and went to high school together and just bump into each other on the plane! But WHOOPS there’s a storm coming in and the plan has to land in Ohio and all of the buses are booked and the rental cars are gone and no planes are flying out so I GUESS THEY’LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE THEIR OWN WAY! What I liked about this movie immediately is that they didn’t give these characters the tried and true hate each other but are stuck traveling together energy. Of course, as soon as I made this note they started fighting after their truck broke down. But that was like halfway through. Lena has one of those made up jobs you see on the bachelor “creative solutions consultant” or something and she just wants to help everyone wherever they go. So they adventure across the country and stop and make new friends in each town. It’s not overly cheesy and I’ve digged Rachel Leigh Cook all the way since She’s All That HOWEVER…out of all the songbird scenes I consumed this year…this movie’s version was the most horrific trainwreck to watch. They’re asked to sing a carol together and unfortunately for all of us they don’t say “no thanks, we’re not really singers.” Instead, they tackle We Three Kings. They’re asked to sing a carol and instead of Jingle Bells or something equally as singalong worthy–these MF’ers pick WE THREE KINGS. And they butcher it loud and strong right up until the last line which they whisper. WHY NOT JUST WHISPER THE WHOLE THING YOU TONEDEAF BUTTHOLES? DO YOU WANT TO PUNISH US AS VIEWERS?! The answer is an obvious yes. UGH. Other than that scene, everything else was good. (You know, good for Hallmark.)

Bonus Points: They run into each other on the plane for the first time in what I would assume is 15 years and Lena goes the extra mile to bribe a flight attendant to get an eye mask for the flight. When Max asks if he can get one too Lena goes, oh I got these for you, I remember you being a big napper back in high school. CREEP CITY, POPULATION: LENA! Also when she plays Mary in the nativity play and comes onstage flailing her arms all over the joint was pretty cringe-licious.

Christmas Ever After – Lifetime (Ali Stroker, Daniel di Tomasso)

I mean this in the most sincere way possible, this was my favorite movie this season. This was the one that was interrupted for a work call that I was FURIOUS about and I circled back to finish it so you KNOW I was committed. It’s no secret that one of my favorite episodes of the Saved by the Bell is the one where Zack dates a girl in a wheelchair and spends the entire episode drawing attention to the fact that she’s handicapped. Since this was the first time a movie had a wheelchair-bound lead, I assumed it would be the same sort of mildly offensive travesty. Lucky for girls on wheelz everywhere, it wasn’t. However, that didn’t stop them from making Izzie the most awkward bird of a human on this earth. And that’s where I thrive. Not only that, she is a trashy romance novelist and the lead man in her books is called Desmond. She goes to her favorite lodge that she spends the holidays at each year and lo and behold, she sees a guy who looks JUST LIKE the lead character in her erotica. Obviously she takes this as a sign to live out her books IRL and get inspiration for her re-write. About 30 seconds after laying eyes on Matt for the first time, she pants over him to each member of his family separately, including Matt’s daughter. Put it on ice, girl, his kid doesn’t want to hear that she has a DILF. She even gets caught trying to snap sneaky pics of him to send to her editor. What an embarrassing human and also relatable as hell. We’ve all been there. Izzy continues to be thirsty AF for Matt and at one point we see her waking up with a start and honest to God my first thought was oh she just had a wet dream. If this wasn’t a PG network, I would’ve really appreciated some red hot read scenes in this movie. It would’ve been a perfect match. Instead, when I googled the movie I was met with this image:

And boy do I love the internet. I NEVER would’ve known watching this movie that their kisses were plexiglass style due to COVID. Now that I can’t unsee this, I remember that they obstructed both of their smooches in the movie so we couldn’t see that there was a WHOLE ASS PIECE OF GLASS in between those lips. Jeeze these networks really take prude to the next level. Netflix would’ve been tongues out AWL day.

Bonus Points: Izzy has quite the bond with Matt’s dad and I didn’t know how weird it was until he turns to her in a crowded room and goes “Izzy, what do you think?” And she replies, “Yeah, let’s do it, let’s sing” and slowly spins her wheelchair around and breaks into solo song as people are sitting and eating their dinner. Also anytime she calls going for a walk “a push” and when Matt kneels down in front of her so they’re eye to eye and she goes what are you proposing? And he says no, the view’s just better down here. SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH.

Movies, Pop Culture, Television

Doc O’Clock

I’ve noticed that I’ve been really watching a buttload of documentaries in “quarantine”—I put it in quotes because I’m pretty sure the rest of the world is no longer quarantined but fun fact: when you’re unemployed, quarantine never ends. I’ve always loved a good true crime doc so I can pretend that my several years of watching cop shows and one semester of a Forensics class have qualified me to solve crimes. Typically immediately after I watch a true crime doc, I speak to everyone I know and even some people that I don’t about the details of this horrific crime sometimes even becoming a truther attempting to exonerate murderers who have been sentenced and are currently sitting in jail like I’m Kim Kardashian or something. (See: Stephen Avery & Scott Peterson) HOWEVER, I found myself really reaching beyond the typical true crime doc these past few months and expanding my doc horizons. And all of this consumption has compelled me to yap my face off about the things that I’ve found and now believe I’m an expert on. If you would like doc recommendations, or just want to feel exponentially smarter from watching hours and hours of TV like I do, feel free to browse the below list of documentaries that I’ve consumed over the past 6 months. And if I might add an overall comment, incorporating actual text messages into many of these docs has really added a whole new layer of invasiveness and enhances my incredibly nosy viewing experience tenfold. BRAVA.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark – HBO

I was overly-hyped for this. I had heard through Twitterland that this doc focused on Michelle McNamara, a crime writer married to comedian Patton Oswalt, who invested her time focusing on the Golden State Killer and cracked the case on her own. I love Hollywood and I love murders so this seemed like a real match made in heaven. Unfortunately, that was quite a Twitter exaggeration. Michelle was writing a book entitled “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark” about the Golden State Killer and was getting access to the case documents and immersing herself in all of the evidence and details of his murders in the 80’s but there were a lot of other people doing the same thing she was doing as well. Most of the victims, people from the town, law enforcement and others had formed groups and were determined to solve this open case. Tragically, Michelle died before finishing the book or seeing the arrest of the Golden State Killer. The doc is through the lens of Michelle’s work and includes a lot of victim personal accounts. Due to the fact that they did not find the killer until recently and the crimes took place 30+ years ago, there wasn’t a lot to offer by way of video evidence or footage so there was a lot of reenactment, which I have a hard time taking seriously. What I did take seriously was the one recorded phone call they had of the GSK saying “I’ll kill you bitch” which they chose to play 900000 times and I chose to crap my pants each time it was played. As someone who was not familiar with the Golden State Killer, I found the details about his crimes very interesting, especially because he was so prolific for many years, breaking into people’s homes at night, raping and killing. So basically every fear of mine come to life whenever I’m home alone. Even though I found it interesting, I did start to get a little bored after the third episode and therefore this wasn’t an overwhelming home run for me in the doc department. Adding in Michelle’s tragic story created another interesting layer, but I feel like it could’ve been wrapped up a little neater. Also by interesting I mean kind of horrifying because she was terrified and had stopped sleeping because of how much she had immersed herself in this case. And she didn’t even get to see this scumbucket finally get caught. And not for nothing, but how OUTRAGEOUS is it when serial killers have a family and everyone’s like yeah we had no clue dad/my husband/Uncle Joe was raping and murdering 5 nights a week. WUT?!

The Vow – HBO

I cannot stress enough how obsessed I am with this story and documentary. For those looking for a quick and dirty doc, this is not it as it’s episodic and each episode is an hour long. They release a new one each week, so if you’d rather binge I suggest waiting until they’re all up—right now there are 7 episodes out there. This series follows the cult NXIVM, which holds a special place in many of our hearts as it was a hometown cult. Started by Keith Raniere in Clifton Park, NY, anyone from the Cap Region might have heard about this through the years or might even know someone who was involved. As a Saratoga Resident for 10ish years, I gleefully outbursted when Keith described Clifton Park as the “Rome of the modern day” and texted my old co-workers when our radio station banners were hung in the gym where Vanguard invites everyone to watch him play volleyball every night. I even got excited when I saw the Dalai Lama visit The Palace Theatre. So I would say it’s especially a must-watch for people who live in that area because they have TONS of video footage from the former cult members who are the main focus of this doc, plus it’s not often that HBO shines a spotlight on dear old CP also referred to as Albany almost exclusively throughout the series even though they are completely different cities. But anyway, let’s get to the real meat here which is that NXIVM started as self-help classes and preyed on people who were kind of lost in their career or life path and told them to sign up for a couple thousand dollar course and start working the stripe path to get different colored sashes and eventually have the opportunity to bone Keith Raniere, one of the schlubbiest looking men alive. Let me be clear, this is not coming from a judgmental place. Well, the sex with Keith part is. But falling for this cult thing is not and mostly because I know for a fact I would’ve fallen for this. I, too, am a wayward soul looking for happiness. And if someone approached me and was like I know how to guarantee you’ll be happy again, I’d be like yeah bitch let’s do this. Unfortunately once I attended my first volleyball game where Keith is wearing a sweatband in his long grey hair and being treated like a sex symbol, mouth kissing everyone’s faces off I’d be swiftly out. But that’s just me. The details of this cult are not only baffling, but the fact that it went on for 20+ years before law enforcement was involved is nuts beyond belief. Since I’ve already babbled on too long and I could probably talk forever about my fascination with NXIVM, I’ll just say watch it and get back to me. I mean, literally I brought this shit up in therapy and my therapist had to tell me 3-4 times that she’s not an expert on this cult before I finally gave it up. SO JUST WATCH IT, OK?!

That moment when Keith calls Clifton Park the “Rome of the modern world.” #TheVow pic.twitter.com/wu38x3hnI5
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 23, 2020

Keith Raniere wore a North Face fleece and khakis to India to meet the Dalai Lama. That’s like if I were to roll through Nazareth to meet JC wearing leggings and Uggs. #TheVow
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 26, 2020

I get that #TheVow is trying to paint Keith as a real creepster but they don’t need to work that hard and if I have to see a supercut of him mouth kissing members of NXIVM/all the girls he’s banging in one more episode I’m going to hurl.
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) September 28, 2020

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31rSR0w0z30

The Social Dilemma – Netflix

This doc interviews executives in some of the largest internet and social media companies and brings to light just HOW MUCH the internet was created to stalk our lives. It’s an eye opening experience for all generations because as much as adults want to say they’re too old for social media, look no further than Facebook to see the olds POPPIN OFF on the daily. So it really applies to all ages here. There are astonishing facts about how the rate of suicide and mental health issues in middle school age children skyrocketed after the invention of social media. There’s explanations as to how people who wrote the actual algorithms to keep you hooked online fall for the same pitfalls we do even though they created it. So basically this is the doc for anyone whose ever had a conversation about getting a new vacuum cleaner and then the next time they open Facebook or Google, there’s ads for vacuum cleaners. It’s crazy and invasive and yet I will never ever ever give up social media and you can’t MAKE ME. But seriously, lots of interesting stuff and then a little bit of “the internet is going to ruin the world” vibes as well. Take that with a grain of salt. It seems like the world is crashing and burning all on its own with minimal interference from the internet but whatevs.

This is Paris – YouTube

Yes that’s right I’ll even stoop to Youtube if it means getting to pull the curtain back on an infamous celeb. Although I really wanted this to be about Paris’ lavish upbringing and how she came to basically create reality TV and the “famous for nothing” crew (lookin at you, Kimmy K)…what it was really about was much darker than that. When Paris was in her teen years she was sent to a bunch of different behavioral correction schools, escaping them all and finally ending up in one out in Utah where she and the other “students” were mentally, physically & sexually abused. And Paris never even told her parents this until recently, just burying the trauma until she decided to seek justice and reunite with old classmates through this doc. Overall I’d say it was interesting to see a lot of public things that Paris did through the new perspective knowing that she was abused for several years when she was forming her identity. She admits that most of her relationships have been abusive, even showing paparazzi photos where she has bruises all over her body. Obviously she touches on the sex tape and how she was coerced into it by her first real boyfriend who she was trying to impress. And probably the most interesting tidbit of them all, Paris is Keyser Soze. She’s secretly brilliant and has been putting on this dum dum “That’s Hot” act ever since the early 2000’s. In her child slavery schools she was forced to clean so acting like she didn’t know what a sponge was in “The Simple Life” was pure acting talent. Her normal voice octave isn’t breathy and moronic. Bitch has been playing the media for decades and has made billions off of it. Watching this unfold throughout the documentary leading up to the point when one of her former fellow students pointed out that she was a physics brainiac in school was the moment when Keyser Soze loses the limp at the end of the movie (spoiler alert). Glass shattered. Paris is smarter than us all. Also, hands down best scene of the whole thing is when Paris is DJ’ing Tomorrowland, the biggest festival she’s ever played, and her drunk insecure boyf picks a fight with her minutes before she’s supposed to go on and she loses it on him and gets him bounced from the entire festival. If you don’t immediately want to start cheering for her in that moment, you’re not human. The director said she wanted it cut out and I’m glad it didn’t get cut because that was PURE entertainment and suuuuch a SAVAGE Paris moment.

American Murder – Netflix

Nobody loves a deep dive into a murder more than me, but this one just hit different. I felt very icky after watching it and it took me several moments to craft a tweet to sum up why. What it really came down to for me was the fact that not only was this a very recent murder so I was involved in the story from when it broke and not just learning about it through this doc, but it was a murder of 2 children and a pregnant wife. I feel like I can’t remember any other murder that I’ve read/heard about that includes children. And not only that, but this documentary included LOTS of footage of the children and the wife. It turns out Shanann (a name I will NEVER be able to pronounce, it’s Shannon or bust) fancied herself somewhat of an internet influencer. They had an overwhelming amount of videos from her Facebook page just updating her “followers” on her kids and her husband and things she was going through, some of them were very personal about her health or serving as inspirational messages for people who might be watching. She seemed to be the type of person who filmed and/or took pictures of everything. Which is EXACTLY the type of person I would roll my eyes at and block on Facebook, but now, seeing it on a documentary about her untimely death, it just seemed sad and eerie. There were many videos of the kids and their dad, showing them playing together or just being a normal family. Her pregnancy announcement was filmed. And I think it was just especially jarring in the age of social media to have all of this now included in true crime docs. I’m so used to reenactments and old-ass interrogation tapes. This is very much a modern doc, right down to using the police chest cam footage from the days after Shanann and the kids go missing. And don’t get me wrong, I HATE docs that are just talking heads and no action, so I really loved the fact that they incorporated all of this video footage and even personal texts that she had sent leading up to the murder. And yet it’s a catch-22 because Chris Watts is the SCUM of the earth and it just painted a clearer picture of the fact that Shanann and her children were murdered in the most disgusting way, FOR ABSOLUTELY no reason. So now that I’ve ranted about it giving me the uncomfies, let’s talk about the rest. The BIGGEST takeaway that I had from this doc, was the blonde polygraph chick who was RUTHLESS and I LOVED it…for about 5 mins and then immediately after she was done being a sassy B she suggested to Chris that maybe Shanann killed the kids and that’s the story he went with for several months, blaming the murder of his children on his innocent wife until he finally set the story straight. It was a quick high to low situation, I loved the fact that she was calling him out for being a MORON to take a polygraph when he’s clearly lying, but then she enabled him by giving him a story that there’s NO CHANCE he would’ve come up with on his own, and then rubbed his back for “confessing.” I mean this is the guy who pulled his truck into the garage to put his wife’s body in it KNOWING his neighbor camera-stalks the street. That neighbor deserves a badge of honor btw for knowing Chris was a murderer IMMEDIATELY. Regardless, we’re dealing with a real dummy here and this “interrogation” had some Brad Dassey vibes to it and I’m surprised Chris Watts didn’t ask if he’d be out of jail in time for Wrestlemania after confessing to the murder.

Class Action Park – HBO

I’ve heard about Action Park for years and knew that Johnny Knoxville was in a movie about it yet felt like that was more a boy movie than something I’d be super interested in. Then people started buzzing (specifically my favorite cousin who constantly tells me I’m funny so obviously I trust her opinion the most) about this new doc and you KNOW I have FOMO, so I decided to watch. And yes, Action Park was NUTZ. Just the cannonball loop alone was a covered slide with a loop in it. It looked like someone drew it and then just slapped some materials together to make it, as if the park was a hamster cage and not meant for human beings. The “mastermind” behind Action Park, Gene Mulvihill would give employees cash for testing out the rides. At one point they noticed people coming out with scratches and when they opened the slide up to see what was going on, previous riders TEETH were stuck in the padding and injuring other kids. WOOF TIMES A BILLION. And this was pretty much the case for each ride they described. They had Tarzan rope swings, cliff dives, slides that dropped 50 feet, and motorboats that you could booze up and ride. Basically this place was a walking lawsuit and everyone who went got injured and even a couple died. My personal favorite, the wave pool known as the “grave pool” where they used fresh water and noted that the human sludge and constant waves made it hard to spot if someone was drowning. When a person died in the wave pool, they cleared out the body and let everyone back in to keep body surfing/potentially also dying. These are all the fun facts I learned by watching this doc, but it was also one of those movies that never ended. I checked my phone several times because it felt like it was hours long and I definitely started to nod off. It was like they wanted to show how badass this place was but then felt the moral obligation to include heartfelt remarks from a family whose teenager died there. It was a real moral crossroads for me because at one point I’m laughing hysterically about how Action Park is SO Jersey it hurts and shouting CLASSIC to someone who drove a motorboat up onto a dock over another human being and walked away… and then a second later I feel like a dirtbag for laughing because this family who lost their child is traumatized and thinks Gene is a total money-grubbing heartless dirtbag. Real waterslide of emotions, pun intended.

Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich – Netflix

Again, I may be one of the last people to know what the deal is with Jeffrey Epstein but this doc was a great peek into that world. Sometimes I find that watching a well-made flick about a hot topic that is most definitely a little bit political, is better than learning about it from your Great Uncle on Facebook. This was 4 hour-long episodes and honestly the same message could’ve been delivered in 2 episodes or a feature film. This is one of my favorite things to critique about docs as most of them are THE MOST drawn out for no reason. Unless you have LOADS of compelling footage to show, most of the time you’re interviewing the same people and showing the same 4 photos or clips and that gets old REAL quick. I will also add that this was heavily for the victims and therefore they were really trying to tug at your heartstrings with their personal accounts and the justice they were seeking. Jeffrey Epstein was a very wealthy and well-connected pedo and he used his privilege to get away with it for several years even when the evidence was stacked against him. And his right-hand gal Ghislaine (pronounced in the DOUCHIEST french accent “ghee-lane” or if you’re my dad and have the maturity of a 14 year old, “Jizz-lane.”) who was FINALLY tracked down and arrested recently essentially groomed girls to be raped by Jeffrey and also deserves to rot in prison. If you’re anything like me, you’ll watch this and then immediately dive into the wormhole of conspiracy theories right down to Wayfair trafficking children disguised as expensive cabinets. If this doc taught me anything, it’s that without a doubt there’s a pedo ring in politics and Hollywood and I can’t wait for the day that shit’s blown wide open and these pervs are outed. Also, it taught me that Prince Andrew has a physical condition that prevents him from sweating. LOLOLOLOLOL.

McMillion$ – HBO

I came late to the party for this one, people were telling me to watch it back in February but I’m cheap and didn’t get HBO until recently when I got a free trial JUST to watch I’ll Be Gone in the Dark and then when said free trial expired, I waited until they sent me a cheaper monthly price before I committed again (to obviously cancel when they raise the price after a year.) That’s how you play the game, folks. Anyway, this one covers the classic McDonalds Monopoly game that ran for a decade and it turns out it was completely rigged. I had no previous information about this case so the story was a real rollercoaster. Doug Mathews was the rookie special agent who first pursued this case and he is ELECTRIC on camera. Honestly if it weren’t for Doug I might’ve shut the doc off after episode 1 because it was a bit of a slow start. And thank God I didn’t shut it off because it was one of my fave doc-series. The creatures that were in this criminal Monopoly ring were the type of people that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from. Robin Colombo in particular. I cherished every time she graced the screen with her Kool Aid red hair, 16,000 wrinkles and constant ciggy hanging out of her mouth. I’m honestly not sure what’s more offensive, the cast of characters that won millions of dollars from McDonald’s illegally or the fact that these morons got away with it for SO long. In fact, had there not been an informant, there would still be schmucks buying winning Monopoly tickets like it’s an underground betting ring and not a fast food chain promotional contest.

Fear City – Netflix

This is for all my fellow I-talians out there. My dad and I watched this one together in our matching wife-beaters and gold cross chains while we ate sauce and called everyone mamalukes. Just kidding, sort of. Fear City dives into the height of the NYC mafia in the 70’s and 80’s and how a bunch of baby-faced agents took them down. I love a good mafia/mob movie and the best part about this one was that it was real life. The five families were quite literally running the entire city at that time, making money off of the construction of every new skyscraper that was going up, in addition to having their hands in every other revenue-generating business right down to the gas you put in your car. In just three episodes (my favorite kind of doc) you’ll get to see how the FBI managed to assign an agent to each family, bug their homes and build enough evidence to take them all down. The sting operations get my juices flowing (there was a great sting in the McMillions doc where they acted as a film crew Argo style) and watching the bug guy tell us how he put on a mustache and a jumpsuit and dropped by the head of a mafia family’s home to “fix his TV” in the 1970’s when technology literally did not exist was riveting stuff. There wasn’t AS much real time footage as I would’ve liked but again, it was short so it’s not like I was bored to tears.

I Love You, Now Die – HBO

Nothing excites me more than forming an opinion on a crime strictly from the very few headlines that I read. And that’s exactly what everyone did with this case, which is why I truly enjoyed this more balanced look into what might have happened. I guess this doc came out last year, but having just gotten access to HBO, I went a little apeshit last weekend consuming every recent doc they had and this just happened to be one of them and I wanted to recommend it and not just because it took place in Massachusetts and featured some PRIME Ben/Casey Affleck exaggerated movie accents. The case was a big deal a few years back because technically Conrad committed suicide but once they dove a little deeper into his relationship with his girlfriend Michelle, they found text messages from her encouraging him to do it and she was charged with his murder, which is a pretty controversial thing and a unique murder charge. The doc did a great job of covering the back and forth of if you can really charge someone for murder when they texted someone to do it–at the end of the day Michelle didn’t start that car and let it fill up with carbon monoxide to kill Conrad and it seemed like the judge was kind of torn on it too. What was made very clear though was the fact that both Conrad and Michelle were AWL sorts of F’ed up. They were both being treated for depression and on medication, Conrad had attempted suicide before, and the two of them lived in this kind of toxic fantasy world of dating via text and never actually seeing each other. So for anyone who saw Michelle in court with her jet black bushy brows, her bleach blonde hair and a REAL bitchy stank face and though ooooh this teeniebopper ho is guilty AF, I suggest you watch this and it might not be so black and white. I’m not saying you’re going to finish it and think she’s innocent like I did when I watched the Scott Peterson doc and spent every Christmas party bringing up the gruesome murder of Laci Peterson to everyone who got stuck talking to me in order to convince them of his innocence, but you might just see the case from all sides. And that’s really why we watch docs, right? To get a different perspective, learn some new tidbits, and then shove all of that down everyone else’s throats and act like you’re superior to them because you watched an educational movie that was 100% created with an agenda and also a bias. DOCS 4 LIFE.