Empire- “True Love Never”

“You can’t see that cause you blinded by the ass”- Cookie

WHAT a scandalous start to last night’s episode. Unfortunately we can’t enjoy the steamy soap opera sex scenes set to Selena’s bone worthy jam because we know what the inevitable outcome is for Cookie and Laz. Cookie is still none the wiser to Laz’s gang connects and spends roughly 3 days in his bed doin thangs. At one point Porsha delivers food to their sex jungle while they’re both naked, and all I can think is that this bitch is certainly not being paid enough for the verbal abuse and dirt tasks she’s given. Anyway, it turns out Laz’s “promoter” job is a whole cover so he can get his grubby hands on Cookie’s Dynasty money.

While Laz works on conquering her vagina and her business at the same damn time, Lucious is going through some things—and I’m actually not referring to under aged women for once. This new boom boom bang bang jam with Freda is stirring up some flashbacks to his unstable childhood. Everyone who tells him this episode that his music just isn’t there or his lyrics don’t have any substance just further send him spiraling down the memory hole and instead of just facing his emotions for the song, he acts like a bigger dick. Cause that’s how Lucious do.

Since he’s all caught up in trying to suppress his those weird things called feelings, he doesn’t noticed that his #2 prized musician (#1 is obv Freda) is sneaking around with Cookie to produce a new song. It starts with a little texty text of audio clips where Cookie responds “flip the perspective” and Jamal knows exactly what that means and suddenly the song sounds exactly the same but is SO MUCH BETTER. Whatever, I don’t question Cookie. She’s a mogul. But that was bullshit.

What ISN’T bullshit is Porsha. I know that I just mentioned she should be paid more but what I realized soon after is that she should be in the show more. Girl had like 4 lines in last night’s episode and she killed it. Cookie gets all spiffed up to go out—not with Laz—and asks for Porsha’s opinion of her front AND her back. This allows for Porsha to go OFF with sassy comments including, “Word up, Cook. Yaas my boss is a PIMP.” And I beg of Empire…more Porsha, pls.

Other than my Porsha praise, let’s focus on the fact that Cookie appeared to be getting extra dressed up and in need of advice on how she looked for a date with….HER SON. This makes me feel icky and I don’t like it because Lucious is the creepy parent, and there’s only room for one of those in the Lyon fam. Since we’re on the topic of things that I’m not loving, Cookie’s micro bangs that have been far too frequent this season have GOT TO GO. They are atrocious. Sorry, I got sidetracked with pure disdain for her bangs wig, but not distracted enough to see Cookie sharing an ear bud with Jamal at a restaurant, like a modern-day spaghetti slurp from Lady & the Tramp. Jamal is obviously the Tramp in this scenario. They even snake over to Lyon Dynasty to lay down the track and have to hide from Hakeem the next morning, walk of shame style.

Across the Lyon family line, Lucious continues to ignore every piece of business advice from Andre and sends him back to bang a city official to erase more legal troubles for Freda. I had completely forgotten that this used to be Andre’s thang before he found his lord & savior. Since cheating on your pregnant wife is kind of frowned upon in the bible, Andre seeks advice from his priest on how to handle it. Turns out blackmail is TOTES ok with baby J, so Andre uses a sex tape to threaten his government boo to clear Freda’s gang injunction then goes straight home to Rhonda to talk about praying. Just kitten, he finally lays it on her and she’s like my prayers have been answered. Turns out Rhonda has been REALLY hurtin for it.

Oh hey, remember how baby doe Laura told Hakeem that she didn’t want to hook up with him and he was like that’s cool we’ll be all business? Yeah that lasted like 5 minutes. At the teaser for Cookie’s latest idea inspired by her sex-cation with Laz, entitled “Cookie’s Cookout”, getting the D rreeeallllyyy makes her a creative genius. That name is SO innovative. Anywho, some hip-hop bloggers come to see the three ho’s perform a new song about mimosas in some sassy fringe dresses. The song is pretty much Grammy-worthy with one lyric being, “All dem girls in their yoga pants.” It’s like Mirage A Trois is the voice of our generation or something. Mimosas and yoga pants, cause that’s what a basic betch does. More buzzworthy than a cookout thrown by Cookie or a power struggle ass bump mid-song between Laura and Carmen…is obviously Cookie’s attire. She’s wearing a pair of sparkly boyfriend jeans that I never knew I needed.

Since Laura clearly doesn’t know how to be top hoe, Tiana gives her lessons on how to be sexier while Hakeem watches with his mouth agape. All part of her sexifying/star-making process, Hakeem brings Laura out to perform on the streets. She sings in Spanish, draws a crowd and definitely no suspicions as Hakeem stands directly in front of her with hood up, sunglasses on like a prowler. Laura decides right then that she must have this Unabomber and smooches him thus erasing her firm stance on no hooking up. Claps for holding out for SO long, grl. Her lessons clearly worked, because later when Mirage performs their new hit again (that sounds like it’s plagiarized from Trey Songz) Laura booty checks Carmen. TAKE THAT, CARMEN. Laura’s got balls of steel now, obv.

Kinda like Cookie who sets up a meeting with the nice neighborhood boys who kidnapped her son in attempts to extort her for money. Except now she’s handing the cash over freely because she thinks they work with Laz and are securing her a venue for Cookie’s Cookout. Hakeem smells the poop in this deal and although he agrees to it, he also tells Cookie that he doesn’t trust pretty boy. Sniff it out Hakeem before your mom gets F’ed, in more ways than one.

Aandd then a lot of sketchy shit goes down with Lucious that gave me all the uncomfies. First of all, lezzy Mimi is back to be shady. She suggests Lucious partner with a creator of a streaming service who Lucious meets with, KO’s, and then visits him in the hospital and coerces him to draw up a contract while Mimi dopes him up for compliance. Totes legit business. Then Mimi and Lucious get hammered and close the deal with a celebratory threesome that gets real weird, real quick. There’s tears, a secret phone call and guns. What threesome doesn’t end like this, amirite?! JK, Lucious is inspired by his lady friend’s gun tat to take his mom’s favorite Russian roulette instrument into the studio and finish boom boom…which by the way WE HEAR NO LESS THAN 4 TIMES IN THIS EPISODE. After the first play I swore I would chop my ears off if I heard it again. This song is terrible and it kills me that someone can repeat boom boom and bang bang and BAM you got yourself a track. To be clear Bam is not included in the song. Just boom and bang. And by the end of the episode with Lucious’ epiphany we’ve got some live gun sounds and a full transformation into DMX. No seriously, he yells so much I expected him to bark and yell UH UH, X GONN GIVE IT TO YA. But alas, he just finishes a hit that I’m guessing we haven’t heard the end of.

Drip Drops:

What is it with Lucious standing in on a recording and tossing around spirit fingers? What producer contribution is this?
Jamal finally performs his newest Cookie-touched song in earth tones and a fedora…Ne-Yo wore one last week, Lucious rocked one in the studio. This show is really putting JT circa 2002 back on the map and I’m not sure that I support the return of the fedora. Maybe just special occasions? Multiple fedoras per episode feels like a lot. Find your balance, Empire.
Cookie tongue-ing Laz while wearing a gemstone ring literally the size of her entire hand gave me delicious visions of her finding out the truth and using that rock to destroy his pretty ass face. Fingers crossed for a beating by glamorous jewels.
This totally wasn’t creepy or anything:

👅👄 #Empire pic.twitter.com/XkdWvDAnWc

— Empire (@EmpireFOX) November 12, 2015

Empire, Television

Empire- “A High Hope for a Low Heaven”

I’m gonna be honest and say that I was only half watching this week’s episode because it seemed like they were lacking in tasty drama and snappy comebacks in favor of a lot of warped looks at Hakeem’s sweaty face…but the last few minutes actually had me saying OH SHITTT and that was worth waiting for.

Even though we had a week in between for the World Series to forget, we’re quickly reminded that Hakeem and his six pack were kidnapped by the neighborhood razor gang and also fun fact that seemed REAL out of place is the nice ab transition we got to Becky’s place where she’s apparently banging one of the rappers at Empire. I care about this .3% so that’s how much time we’re going to spend on it. I actually had to ask my sister what Becky’s name was to type that sentence.

Anyway, Jamal is in the studio crooning soulful musings while Lucious accompanies the piano without a pair of snazzy shades. It was jarring. Who is this mellow, piano-playing Lucious? Jamal stops short because he can’t get Michael with “his thing out” on his balcony off his mind. Lucious quickly swings back to normal and is like please don’t share any deets with me, thank you, just channel your heartbreak into the song. Only the song is interrupted again by Cookie barging in to accuse Lucious of having their son kidnapped. What a picture perfect family.

While Lucious is telling Cookie that this time he wasn’t involved in the illegal activity, Jamal sees the gang all has matching longhorns tattoos and instead of locking that away for a nice mental clue, he immediately shouts, “What ya’ll a bunch of punk-ass cowboys?!” and is popped unconscious. But here’s where things don’t add up. His parents band together to search for him but Hakeem is already wandering the streets with an eyeball that’s seen better days and making out with Anika—who was just crying to her mom about how her life sucks, lolz. Hey Anika, sexing a teenager isn’t going to help matters. To be clear, Anika was his first stop, and then he went home and let everyone know he was okay. Makes sense. He then spends the majority of the episode sweating buckets and having a case of tunnel vision, so you could say he’s doing really well after the ‘nappin.

Cookie meets with Laz; our spicy new security/promoter/it doesn’t matter because he’s here to boink Cookie. They smooch while having a meeting about strategizing with the thugs who are going to keep bullying Lyon Dynasty until they pay up. Except the kiss is lame and Cookie doesn’t really seem convinced on this one.

After a convo that I didn’t really listen to because I was waiting for them to get together intimately, I guess it’s agreed upon that Cookie pay off the gang. She rolls up with her sweatiest child who suddenly pulls a glock on the group unplanned and Cookie has to talk him down to hand over the weapon, so that SHE can point the gun at thug #1 and tell him in her best street Cookie voice that if any of them come near her family again they “won’t even hear the knock at the door.” YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. COOKIE GON DROP YOU. KNOCK, KNOCK…Who’s there?…BULLETS. Sorry, you know how gangster Cookie gets me going.

While we’re on the topic of gun violence, the rapper I despise the most on this show, Freda, gets onstage and starts spitting about cocking guns and shooting bitches in the neck, you know low-key stuff. Someone from the crowd heckles her and instead of continuing on about how she’ll kill anyone who doesn’t know her name she drop kicks him and makes herself a straight up liability for Empire.

What’s an even bigger liability for Empire are Hakeem & the 3 Latinas. Their real name is stupid and I refuse to address it. They’re about to debut a fire flames song and they absolutely can’t mess it up, which Lucious knows so he tries to get in Hakeem’s head before the performance. He stops by with a new track for Hakeem, no strings attached. The best part about this is Lucious introduces the song like it’ll blow our ears off and then it consists of the words “bang, bang” and “boom, boom.” EARTH-SHATTERING beat. Hakeem says nah, there’s a Lyon family fight backstage where Lucious utters his infamous MAN UP and SACK UP a bunch. Apparently Hakeem isn’t a man until he does some time for shooting up a joint. Sounds about right for Lucious logic. His brothers try to comfort him before he hits the stage but it doesn’t stop him from freezing when he sees Lucious’ smug look in the audience. New boo to the rescue though, Laura serenades him about trigger fingers (lotta gun talk this epi…let’s chill on that next time around) and Hakeem suddenly finds his swagger again. The girl group burns the house down and I obviously will be downloading their lady jam.

As they all celebrate at the after party and you can tell Laura has changed her mind about being Hakeem’s bae, Anika shows up only to be rejected again. When will she learn with this family? Hakeem’s like I’m all good now thanks and pushes her out the door. Lucious plays boom boom for Freda and she gives him the reaction he was looking for with Hakeem, free styling over the beat and making me hate her more now that she expressed love for this stupid song.

And for our grand finale…Cookie shows up at Laz’s house and wants him to lay it on her until she forgets about her shitty week. But what’s that? OH SHIT. His shirt comes off and he too has a longhorns tat to match the gangsters. HE JUST GOT THE KEYS TO THE LYON DYNASTY VIA COOKIE’S VAGINA…and there’s no telling what’s going to happen next.

Drip-Drops:

– Andre convincing Becky’s man friend rapper to work some scripture into his rhymes was top-notch stuff. We’ve got Freda going bang bang and Poppa reciting psalms. Who said Empire had no diversity?

-Jamal is sad about Staples Center passing on him because he’s being marketed as gay. He’d like to keep that on the DL now apparently, and brings in a gay guy named Jameson to help with his image…except Jameson and Lucious hate each other’s guts. This seemed irrelevant in this episode but might come into play more later, so it’s worth mentioning.

-Porsha looking like a unicorn in this scene with her pastel hair popping out like a horn. Don’t eva change, Porsha.

-“Bitch I said are we clear? Welcome to my streets, bitch.”-Cookie

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Please Help Me, I’m Fallin”

Nothing is more telling for Nashville fans than the dramatic announcer throwing out a tease before an episode begins. “TONIGHT will Juliette FALL to her DEATH?” Well, man who probably gets paid $40 an hour to record questions anyone with half a brain already know the answer to, I’m gonna guess if Nashville kills off a main character due to post-partum depression when the actress who plays that character just went into rehab for post-partum depression they’re going to have a bit of a PR disaster on their hands. I was confident that Juliette would not be fallin’ to her death tonight but I never would have predicted who did instead, and for that I simply offer up a golf clap to the writers who I’ve mercilessly harassed with these recaps.

Before I slobber all over the writers though, let’s not forget that this show is still not what it used to be and get the boring stuff that happened out of the way first. Gunnar turns into a glass case of emotion when he bangs the newly unemployed roadie and wants her to stay for pancakes, coffee and perhaps the rest of her life. Edgy roadie is like nah, I’m gonna uber home. Pls don’t call. Gunnar then gets down on his hands and knees scouring his floor for something she left behind and finds an earring and decides this means she wants him to call her. Like the lifetime movie that is Gunnar’s sad love affairs, he stalks the shit out of this girl to snag her digits and then tells her at length what he had to do to track down her number. Smooth. Obviously dying to hang out with this modern-day Romeo, who is definitely not a cr33p, she ditches their “date” and goes out with her gal pals instead. After getting intoxicated because that’s the only way she’ll sleep with Gunnar, she shows up at his door again and he cries about how she only wants to have sex. He’ll probably write a song about it one day but until then, you are a loser, Gunnar.

The woman Gunnar is actually longing for in his bed is still in Nebraska or wherever the hell she grew up in middle America with that lounge singer mom of hers, who remains dead but is still haunting us. Please go peacefully to eternal rest now, Bev and stop reincarnating in ghost memory form. The gist of Scarlett and Deacon this week is that they’re still sad about Bev’s shitty life but then they feel a little better because her friends at the lounge really loved her and miss her. Scarlett performs a Bev original at her memorial and surprise, surprise, Deacon closes his eyes for a minute too long and when the camera pans back, there’s Bev singing a couple verses. THIS BETTER BE HER SWAN SONG…FOR REAL THIS TIME. On the way back to Nashville Deacon calls his sponsor, who owns a struggling bar and asks if he can buy in JUST so he can rename it The Beverly. Deacon says this with such pride like he had the greatest light bulb of an idea and not like it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. We’re gonna have an alcoholic buy a bar just so he can name it after the sister whose death he’s inadvertently responsible for. Good call.

Keeping tune with decisions one will come to regret, Maddie is grounded and has her phone taken away for getting boned by Colt in a backstage trailer going onstage to sing with Juliette. She spends her time on probation doodling hearts around her and Colt’s names like someone in a mature sexual relationship would do. Her idol Marcus Keen—who has now forced Rayna to produce his album—tells Maddie she crushed it onstage and gives her a fist bump, which gives Maddie the right to revert back to her surly asshole days because she thinks her punishment is undeserving.

Marcus plays a song for Rayna then tries to fire her like she’s Avery 2.0 because she gives him feedback like a producer would do. Since Rayna is a gem and knows how to communicate with people, she finally gets through to the diva and wants to show him Maddie & Daphne’s interpretation of his song so he can stop being such a buhhole about country music. Daphne doesn’t want to sing because biddies talked shit about her the last time she did, so Maddie more than willingly rips the spotlight from her sister and performs it solo. She also steals Daphne’s celly later to call her boo, who was bored on his dad’s tour and therefore low-key got hammered by himself and stumbles up to his room to get rid of the spinsies. But seriously, no one is a more low-key drunk than Colt, whose only sign of being intoxicated is that he looks more confused than he usually does under that stupid shaggy hair of his.

And now onto our main event, the hot mess express that goes from 100 to 1 million real quick. (Obviously the phrase is 0 to 100 but she got shot up with tranquilizers recently so realistically girl has never been at 0.) At the beginning of tonight’s episode Juliette sits in a dark room crying, probably over her grossly chipped nails, then throws on some aviators and a hoodie to leave the hotel. As she’s walking across the lobby and everyone’s staring at her as if they’ve never had greasy hair that needed to be hidden before, one brave fan approaches asking for a selfie. I guess Juliette must not have been in the selfie mood because she drops the fan like a MF’er and screams and beats the shit out of her. Thank God the fan didn’t have a selfie stick as I can only imagine how quickly that would’ve been fashioned into a weapon. Either way, this fan beat down was the most exciting thing to happen in Nashville all season. It was like a world star hip-hop video in my living room as my dad and I oohed and aahed and yelled OH SHIT (that was just me.) I love watching a good girl fight from a safe distance. It was like WWE Smackdown all up in that hotel lobby and I was more than happy to pop some popcorn and watch scary Juliette with glee.

Anyway, I’m getting distracted…Luke tries to figure out why Juliette has suddenly turned into the Hulk and she responds like a teen being punished–yells LEAVE ME ALONE and shuts herself in the bathroom with a bottle of vodka. Jeff follows Luke and takes a different approach with her, a little good cop, bad cop parenting, if you will… he basically tells her she’s a waste of life and when she hurls herself at him and tries to rape him he tells her she was a one-time broom closet bang. Boom, bad copped.

Side note: I hate that Jeff is like turning his life around and trying to be a gentleman now and I’m on his side. When he delivered that sick burn to Juliette I was like YEAH, then I thought back to how he drugged his current girlfriend and left her to die facedown in his swimming pool and I’m like uh?

But whatever, he’s gunning for CEO of Luke’s new label thing with the woman whose name I still don’t know. He promises to clean this Juliette disaster up if he can get the job. Then Layla sees claw marks on his chest and immediately assumes he slept with Juliette because trust is the #1 pillar in their relationship and he informs her they’re going to move in together once he gets this job. Because when you don’t have trust in a relationship you fix it by moving to the next level. And obviously something seems like a red flag here but he gets the assaulted fan to make a public apology admitting she’s been stalking and harassing Juliette and she deserved to get several haymakers to the face and body while she lie helpless on the hotel lobby floor. So all in all, win win for everybody.

Meanwhile, Juliette mixes up a nice cocktail of uppers, downers and vodka in her room, texts Avery (who has finally been convinced by Glenn to cut her off emotionally) “I’m sorry” and goes for a little walksie on the roof. Right as she’s about to stumble off the edge, Jeff finds her, pulls her back and THEN TUMBLES TO HIS DEATH. I mean, logically I should have seen this coming as Oliver Hudson is the lead actor on a show that people actually watch and therefore probably didn’t have time to keep flying out to Nashville to film a few scenes every week…yet at the same time I wouldn’t have predicted them killing him off. Naturally just as we start to like Jeff he’s offed and I have to ask God WHYYYYY wasn’t it Zoey?!?! Or Scarlett….Or Gunnar…Really the list could go on for miles. Oh yeah, Colt witnessed this whole slow motion death scene from his balcony where he was gulping some fresh air because baby bitch can’t hold his alcohol. While his dad has relations with no-name PR or whatever lady who was REAL adamant about not mixing business and pleasure but it’s okay because Luke fired her and will rehire her in the morning after he’s been inside her all night. She really stood her ground on that one. What a strong female character.

PS Cadence, or in Will’s words “Cady” appears twice in this episode and neither time she is wailing…she even smiles once. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR OUR EARS. Also if you feel like I never write about Will it’s because his story hasn’t changed in 3 weeks. He still hates being gay and would like to continue to flirt with women in public while his gay fans stay 40-60 feet away from him at all times.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Stop the World (And Let Me Off)”

Last week Juliette asked a probably unlicensed doctor to show up at her hotel room and shoot her up with illegal drugs and as you might have predicted, she comes to looking like a bag of assholes. Apparently looking at her roughsicle face in the mirror is enough of a scare tactic to whip her back into shape as she flushes more drugs and lets her husband know what her new number is. Of course she sends a little texty-text around the same time that Avery is finally signing those divorce papers. Unrelated side note: Hey Avery, you’re a single dad…maybe time to do away with the college dorm poster of DMB on the bedroom wall. Anyway, Juliette also calls Emily and leaves a monotone shitty apology on her voicemail. Neither of them responds to her outreach so naturally Juliette assumes her phone is broken, a logical conclusion from a really terrible human being. Also I would like to add that the only scene Cadence is in tonight, she is wailing at an ear shattering level. I’m sorry, that was far too kind of me, my actual note from the episode read, “IN BREAKING NEWS, CADENCE IS F***KING CRYING!” I find that my note in the moment more properly portrays that this baby is the worst one on this planet.

Something that actually entertained me on this show—I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to truthfully admit that—was the return of the Maddie & Colt saga. Their once incestual teenage love has survived an almost marriage of their parents, Deacon walking in on them canoodling and now they’re forced to go through the toughest obstacle of all, Colt’s shitty hair. It’s like, I understand what Colt is trying to do with his long, messy locks, but then at the same time I’m angered by the way he clearly tried to copy Tim Riggin’s sex hair and yet failed so miserably. Ugh, I could seriously puke over his hair all day but I guess it’s important to note that Maddie must actually be turned on by his hair identity crisis—maybe it’s the absence of his usual backward hat? —Anyway the two of them jet off to catch a Luke Wheeler show and sneak some sex times. Luke leaves these two horndogs alone for like 2 seconds and Maddie pounces on Colt just to be like LETS NOT RUSH THINGS.

In her time of need, as most young girls usually do, Maddie thinks, WWJD, and turns to someone who makes nothing but the best decisions in her life, Juliette, of course. Juliette shows her how to cut loose by doing some lines in her dressing room, JK she invites Maddie onstage for a duet of Telescope. They’ve got kind of a Pistol Annie’s vibe and I’m diggin it but Rayna obv will not. Even better, while Luke is onstage performing the hell out of Will & Kevin’s song (that they can’t sing themselves because they’re gay), lil Maddie and lil Colt are knocking boots in his trailer. ROMANCE ISN’T DEAD. Luke disciplines Maddie by sending her on a private flight straight home but he’s a day late and a hymen short. Luke also punishes Juliette with a cold, hard truth bomb, “Don’t go trying to play cool mom with somebody else’s kid just because you’ve abandoned your own.” OHHH SHIIIIIIITTTTT. SUCK IT, JULIETTTTTEEEEEEE. PS I also loved it a lot when Luke was clearly trying to be the cool dad and took a selfie with the kids “to show how much fun we’re having.” I didn’t know that Luke was a 14 year old at a slumber party trying to social media shame anyone who wasn’t invited, but it was laugh out loud funny.

Much less interesting than losing one’s virginity in the back of a tour bus voluntarily, is the fact that Gunnar is the saddest excuse for a man ever in TV history. He claims he felt a spark with Emily when they both grabbed for the milk that morning and the gays are like SOS we need to get you laid on this road trip. They try to hook him up with a roadie on the Wheels Up tour and Gunnar has a mouth stroke where the words “I’m not gay but it’s ok if you are” come out several times in some form or the other. The girl scampers away because she was probably drier than the Sahara just from being near to Gunnar and his lame wad ways. They run into each other again later where he stupidly dribbles, “pretty girls make me nervous” like the kid in class who always licked the glue stick. Needless to say this didn’t make her hot and bothered but for whatever reason, Juliette fires her and suddenly she’s horny for Gunnar. They fornicate in the backseat on the trip back to Nashville. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I welcome the return of Micah if it means we no longer have to put up with this shell of a character. I don’t know if you realize the severity of the statement I just made. MICAH WAS THE WORST. AND I WOULD PREFER TO HAVE HIM BACK. OVER GUNNAR CIRCLING THE DRAIN IN THE TOILET THAT IS HIS LOVE LIFE.

Ok, we got worked up there; let’s bring it back down with Deacon and Scarlett fi-nuh-ley making amends. They’re packing up Bev’s house together and Scarlett finally grows a backbone to tell Deacon to stop being such a dick. Also she gets drunk, which is stupid and does nothing for their reunion, obviously because Deacon is a sauce monster. Double also, there are two too many creepy hologram quality flashbacks of Bev. DIE AWAY FROM US, BEV. SERIOUSLY. DON’T EVER SHOW YOUR FACE ON NASHVILLE OR ABC EVER AGAIN.

Someone else who has been getting a surprising amount of face time lately for having two leading roles on primetime shows is Jeff Fordham. He’s still suspiciously playing boyfriend of the year to Layla, and now that they swapped spit in public, everyone has found out, including Mama Bear Rayna who does NOT approve. Rayna has Layla over to her in-home recording studio to tell her that Jeff is terrible and dating him is a poor life choice. They bicker over music and porking partner preferences before Layla comes to her senses and confesses that she still loves Jeff even though he treats her like poop stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Rayna’s all, there’s your hit song, girlfraaannnnn! And so she writes another kind of snoozey song while Jeff vies for a new job with that character whose name I never learned who is trying to turn Luke into the next Jay-Z. Pishh. Unfortunately this character is very strongly against mixing business with pleasure (I mean she won’t even let Luke throw it in her) so she’s less than welcoming to Jeff and his incessant need to always find pleasure in his business, if you know what I mean.

My great hope for Hottie McRocker Marcus in being a fabulous new love interest is kind of lost this week when Marcus joins the lineup of horrific people in Nashville. He shows up to his first day with Avery late then prefers to entertain rather than do his job. Avery takes the lull as an opportunity to call everyone in his phonebook and wah-wah over Juliette. Mood swing Marcus isn’t into this phone tree and has a meltdown, compares Avery to a teenage girl texting for their whole session and then promptly fires him. I’m like 90% sure that this is Marcus’s last episode so chances are he’ll go quietly into the Highway 65 grave but Avery does not handle the firing well. He sticks his fingers in his ears and stomps his feet and throws a full-on Cadence-level tantrum for Emily about how he’s a big, smelly loser. While Avery is knocking shit over and crying about his life, Juliette is finally realizing that she needs him back. Thank GAWD when they finally meet Avery sacks up and tells her it’s too late and he’s filed for divorce and will be requesting full custody of Cadence. Why? Save your ears. I should be saving my eyes from this show, but I’m not one to quit mid-series so easily. Either way, the dumpster fire that is Juliette’s life will likely (fingers crossed…it’s been an eternity) explode next week and one can only hope that the story lines will improve from there.

Empire, Television

Empire- “Be True”

You know when WASP neighbors go around leaving secret gifts on each other’s doorsteps around Halloween with a note that reads “You just got Booed!”? Well leaving a rotting human’s skeleton for the prosecutor who’s after you is like the criminal version of Booing. SO festive. As you remember that’s how last week’s episode ended—and this week we pick up with headlines of Lucious being a free man, cleared of all charges, which means this stunt he pulled must have been about as casj as neighborhood fun and games. APPARENTLY putting a dead body that you dug up in a lawyer’s car throws them off the scent because the charges have disappeared into thin air, and so has that prosecutor with an enormous rack. (Gone2Soon.)

Although boob city is gone, her equally as outrageous competitive counterpart, Thirsty seems to be hanging around, to pick up Vernon’s old duties at Empire, AKA professional shadiness. Thankfully, we get to hear him welcome Andre back to Empire with a sneering “Nice to see you without a shovel.” But besides that these two butt heads because Thirsty is now Lucious’s puppet for all things dirty business while Andre is now one with G-o-d. I REALLY want to be on Team Andre here, but he’s wearing a chin strap these days that is starting to resemble historical American’s mutton chop style and I hate it a whole lot.

Lucky for him the hoes in glitter hot pants that Lucious has gathered in the boardroom for Andre’s welcome back fiesta don’t care what Dre’s facial hair looks like. This party is really fitting for someone who just found Jesus and is about to be a dad. We can all see, short of a pants tent, that Lucious is enjoying Andre’s double team lap dance much more than his son. Meanwhile, Rhonda just wants to bone her husband because she’s all sorts of pregnancy horny and EVEN after she tells him she’s panty-less, he’s like meh, you’re a little late, my welcome party was hours ago. JK he talks about how much he wants the whole family to come together and watch him confess his sins as he is baptized into the church. Rhonda’s like good F’ing luck with that.

Over in Dynasty land (which could easily be the name of a strip club, jus sayin), Cookie directs a photo shoot of Tiana by shouting “WORK IT!” a lot and we see that it took Hakeem about five seconds to sign the virgin bar singer, Laura. Something tells me by the way Laura’s Bambi’ing around the studio gawking that she won’t last long in this cutthroat biz where Hakeem thinks it’s ok to smooch every single one of his signed recording artists.

Then Tiana is approached by two street rats outside of the studio for a selfie, one suddenly burps up a razor and in the blink of an eye they’ve robbed her. It was a pretty peculiar way to get mugged and I’ll probably have nightmares about someone producing a razor on their tongue for quite some time. It turns out they’re part of a masked terrifying gang. So THAT makes it better. The gang is trying to extort Lyon Dynasty for money and Cookie’s like they obviously don’t know who the F they’re dealing with. I take no greater pleasure than when street savvy Cookie comes out to play and you can tell by her tone that she’s about to teach these thugs a lesson.

Unfortunately still not on board with his bo$$ bitch mom is Jamal, who now has Lucious producing his album. If you’re wondering what Lucious as a producer looks like—it’s a fully grown man wearing sunglasses inside, a cardigan, and throwing his arms lazily around like he’s Drake in the Hotline Bling music video.

That’s not even the most entertaining part, because out of thin air, Ne-Yo appears to give his expert opinion. Ne-Yo is now a hipster with a fedora and round glasses and he’s also been pulled on board to help Jamal with his record and tour with him for a few because he obviously has nothing better to do. Jamal’s boyf, Michael meets Ne-Yo, pretty calmly tells him he’s a huge fan and Lucious dismisses the boyf like he just screeched SQUAD GOALS and forced Ne-Yo to take a selfie with him. Lucious strongly advocates that Jamal ditch his “girlfriend” for tour life.

Oh, yes and creeptastic photographer that I assumed would be a one and done terrible character has clung on for a second appearance unfortunately to burrow his head in between Jamal and Michael, literally. First he tries to give a surprise beej to Jamal in the club after getting him hammered, his reasoning of course, “a mouth is a mouth,” #noble. Jamal rejects him and then later ruins a “dope session” with Ne-Yo with his relayshe probz. Ne-Yo shows us his sensitive side when he LITERALLY tips his cap and advises Jamal to bring his boyfriend on tour if that’s what he wants and to never ever take relationship advice from that slut Lucious. PREACH. Then Ne-Yo does a lot of spirit fingers while Jamal sings—oh yeah and Michael allows pervy artist to slob on his knob at Jamal’s party later soooooo it’s looking like rocky roads ahead for these two.

Brothers who throw parties together, stay together. Unfortunately that’s not really the case for Hakeem and Jamal, who throw separate parties on the same night. While Jamal is showing off his nipples in a low-cut Henley at his house, Hakeem is whoring all over his female singers at his respective party. He tries to grind all up on Laura (initiation) and she’s like hey I have standards, thanks. YOU GO, GIRL! In the end Hakeem matures—sorry that was a strong word to use for someone who says, “I’m on my mogul swag now and you the real deal”—which is what he says to woo Laura back the next day, no kissies involved. He promises not to try and pork her again and even offers up his personal driver to show how serious he is. It’s cute, in like a skeevy way.

Even though Dynasty is under attack, Cookie is still trying to grow the business and that’s how we meet our latest guest star, Adam Rodriguez (lick) whose playing a promoter interested in working with Cookie and fingers crossed, WERRRRRKINNN with her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. While he’s there talking biz with her in a flirty way, Lucious’s minions have broken in to steal their masters. Hot stuff and Cookie manage to get the tracks back, kick their asses, and show off that they are each packing. Some, more than others, WINK.

Anyway, as you would expect, the family that kills together ends up reuniting in church for Andre’s baptism. It actually is precious that everyone comes through for Dre and EVEN though Lucious told his son to man the hell up because tap water does not wash shit away, he still finds it in his black hole of a heart to attend. Unfortunately as the don of the family enters the church (late of course), I couldn’t help but get the feeling that he was about to have his three biggest competitors simultaneously offed while he witnessed Andre’s baptism. Although if we’re being realistic, the only people he has left to kill at this point are in that church. Therefore, instead of a “Do you renounce Satan?” POW-POW-POW scene, it’s just more of Lucious being an ass, i.e. when Andre says he loves his father and Lucious responds with, I know you do. And of course, Cookie finds the front pew in church a perfectly approps place to hand a surveillance bug over to Lucious and tell him to stick it up his ass. Thank God for Cookie, oh yeah and Andre’s baptism, I guess, which Lucious ducks out of before the grand finale because he apparently used to get water boarded by his bipolar mom for swearing. Since we can’t ever let the Lyon family give us the warm and fuzzies without a little trouble, after the baptism Hakeem is straight ‘napped while running, by of course the sketchy razorblade mouth gang. They stick a bag over his head, but leave his glistening, sweaty six-pack on display for us to ‘preciate. And ‘preciate them, I did.

Drip-Drops: (This is what I’ve decided to call commentary that I would like to make but doesn’t fit into a paragraph.)

-Portia interrupting Cookie’s sexy meeting to introduce her grandmother’s dog Whooptie-Woo as a guard dog was straight up gold. She earned her job back just with the pup’s name.

-Fashion W of the night: Cookie’s hot pink satin jacket. It was like a sexy businesswoman Barbie.

-Poor Uncle Vern, even after he’s murdered no one wants his ashes. R.I.P on someone’s mantle.

-This rapper that Lucious drooled all over sucks. Freda sounds like a man and her rapping is the woooooorst. Go away, punk.

-The only worthwhile cookie-ism this week is when she shouts “Tell Lucious to kiss my black ass.”

Empire, Television

Empire- “Poor Yorick”

(Let’s try to do away with the baby bangs on Cookie…not into it at all.)

After getting hooked on Empire mid-first season last year, I knew that once people started buzzing about it, the already outrageous show would just get bigger. Now that we’re a few episodes into season 2, it’s safe to say that this show is on a whole other level. Therefore, I’ve decided to add it to my recap lineup so that we can all together share the cringes that Lucious Lyon illicits.

Which obviously brings us to this week’s episode when the feds raid Empire, Dynasty, and Lucious’s personal abode, where he’s in bed the morning after boinking another young’n. Prosecutor Cleavage rolls up and he gloriously steps out of bed in the nude to purr, “Hi there baby, look wherever you like.” If Empire was intending to make half of their audience throw up a little bit in their mouths, they were quite successful.

For those who might be as confused with the up and down story line as I often am, the feds are searching for evidence that Lucious killed Bunkie because Prosecutor Cleavage is out to crucify him. Instead of getting scared, Lucious declares to team Empire that an FBI investigation gives you street cred and he’s top OG now. Super normal reaction to being under a magnifying glass for committing a murder that you absolutely did, but that’s neither here nor there. What stressed me out the most in this Empire impromptu meeting about criminal activity was that lezzie Mimi is back and she’s finagled her hair into a twist to make it look like she has no hair and it’s roof stoof. She also does her best impression of a gangsta and it’s supes embarrassing on her part. Methinks she has never been behind bars and should probably zip her lips. (PS for anyone playing the Empire drinking game that should definitely exist, Lucious has uttered, “It’s game time bitches” for the 100^th time, and therefore deserves a shot each time it is forced upon us.)

The Lyon family plan is to act like they love each other and aren’t running rival record labels until they can find Vernon (who Andre’s wife Miss Scarlett casj killed with the candlestick, in the study) and clear this whole Bunkie murder nonsense up. The second creepiest thing that Lucious does this episode is suck a lollipop while he schemes with Cookie how they can bring the fam back together while ALSO profit from it. After Lucious finds out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, they settle on making a music video with Jamal & Hakeem, who pretty much hate each other’s stinkin guts.

Jamal is generally still really feelin himself and no one else, which is a shame because he could have that sweet Usher thing going for him if he wanted. Instead, he snagged the cover of Rolling Stone and the pervy photographer who shoots it actually tells Jamal, “I wanna be inside you,” as he directs him to play the piano mid-shoot. And Jamal doesn’t think anything about that was weird. Cue eye roll from his too good 4 life boyfriend and also, me. C’mon Jamal. Be better.

In the land of mental instability, Andre confesses to that wifey of his who looks like a real smokeshow—pregnancy clearly agrees with her—that God has been speaking to him and what he’s saying is dig up Vernon’s body that they buried and turn it into the cops so he can get back to working at Empire. MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Instead of being like hey Andre, let’s tune God out on this one, Rhonda’s like I’m all in, ride or die, yo. Except for the minor detail that they buried him surrounded by identical trees and the only note they took from where they stashed a dead body was that the tree had a hole. GENIUSES. Naturally they run into a little snafu of finding ole Uncle Vern.

But before the amateur murderers get themselves in a pickle, we have our glorious Lyons bro music video shoot consisting of some pyrotechnics, a jungle gym, video hoes (obv) and Jamal wearing a hat that can best be described as something straight outta the Cuban revolution. WHO OK’ED THIS? While we’re on the topic of fashion, Cookie shows up in a hot red leather Michael Jackson outfit adorned with gold chains but before she can shout sassy things at her bickering sons she’s arrested and I literally get down on my knees and pray that she gets to keep that number on for her mugshot. We don’t get to see but it does turn out that Prosecutor Cleavage is after her to give up the deets on Lucious. Not so fast though, Cookie gets a cloudy look in her eyes and flashes back to the man she once loved, serenading her with the beautiful words, “You ain’t nothin’ but a snitch, bitch. Snitchin’ ass bitch” in a jail broom closet and decides to clam up. Just kidding, she has flashbacks to her awful, lonely days in jail, WITHOUT A WIG, and decides to craft a story for boobs on boobs so she can get the hell outta there. She confesses that Bunkie and Lucious were arguing over the Apex radio deal knowing that miss Yabbos will stop the deal while Cookie moonwalks away.

Unfortunately while she’s in a holding cell trying to keep her sons safe from threats of being smothered to death by the prosecutors’ chest, her two youngest are back at each other’s throats. The creepy photographer unveils a painting of Jamals’ cover shoot that he probably had some private time with earlier sans pants and Hakeem sees Lucious & Jamal drooling all over it before declaring, “It’s the most ugliest painting I’ve seen in my life.” He has a real way with words. Then he stabs the painting and the brothers beat the shit out of each other mid-music video.

In other very conventional family bonding, Lucious and his purple suit lawyer Thirsty surprise attack the gravediggers right about the time they realize they’re not really cut out for the body burying business. They tracked Andre’s car, NBD, and Thirsty just happens to carry around a body detector. Bingo, bango they’ve located Vernon’s deteriorating remains and we have ourselves a very proud father-son moment. Dre is given a warm murderer welcome back into the Empire and all is well. Except for Vernon, who gets a personal goodbye from Lucious in the form of “You will rot in hell you snitch.” Obviously Vernon didn’t live long enough to learn a quick lesson from Lucious’ number one hit “Snitch Bitch”. It’s a shame really…it could’ve saved his life.

Hakeem, now the most hated son, hits a Latina Michael Buble bar to pout over a drink and think about apologizing to his brother. Instead he discovers a fresh out da womb Latina singer performing in public for the very first time and girl can wail. His jeans suddenly get real tight as dollar signs and perhaps a new bath buddy dance in his head. Target acquired for the girl group that won’t die—unlike Vernon, whose very dead rotting body is straight chillin in Prosecutor Cleavage’s car the next morning. Lucious may be a bona fide cr33p but don’t ever doubt his creativity.

Cookie-isms:

“Tell me a grandma got an ass like this.”

“Do I look like I catch a subway?”

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

I think that if I had slept through that hour of television I still could have adequately provided this recap just from last week’s previews. In fact, I kind of wish I did.

We carry on with this “let’s be sad about Bev” business by opening up on her funeral. What’s vital to dwell on is not that Bev is dead and Deacon is sad, but that Rayna wears a chic as hell hat to the event like it’s the Kentucky Derby. The south has risen—hallelujah! Oh sorry is that inapprops for Bev’s tearful goodbye, because that’s the vibe I’m getting from the cap that’s perched atop Rayna’s perfect mermaid waves. Other than Rayna’s hat fit for a Tyler Perry movie, ZOEY IS BACK. “Ugggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghghghghg” sums up the exact reaction I had to seeing her back on my TV. She sings a little at the funeral and I pray that she’ll be hightailing it back to the land of banished minor characters who haven’t been killed STAT. Deacon holds it together and gives a beautiful eulogy. Just kidding he sputters and sobs in the first sentence and shouts SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW. Way to keep it cool, Deacon. Obviously he still regards his niece as a murderer who shall be shunned from his life forever. Then Zoey and Gunnar get a minute to chat which merely consists of Gunnar being all “hey we should catch up sometime” (a very standard thing to say to someone you’ve never made to effort to keep in touch with but awkwardly run into) and Zoey’s all “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!” No one cares, girl, no one cares.

Meanwhile Juliette misses three interviews from partying and Jeffy Fordham flies out from wherever they film Scream Queens to kick her ass into gear and declare that her punishment is to have a reporter all up in her shit for the next two days for an article. Juliette takes this opportunity to turn her life around and do what she gets paid millions to do with a smile on her face. Except for the fact that she pops an adderall from a “doctor” in a suit among a crowd of fans, like NO ONE WOULD CATCH HER TOSSING PILLS BACK. No but actually, no one thinks this is cause for concern. As if in today’s world every single fan doesn’t have their iphone out snapping pics and vids and would ever let a drug deal right in front of their dumb teen eyeballs slide on unnoticed. Ugh. Clearly this fires me up. Anyway, this one incident leads to her becoming a casual drug addict in mere minutes. She washes down some sleeping pills with a nip for bedtime before she moves onto needles the next night. No seriously, she calls formal doc over for a shot in the hip so she can “feel nothing.” Things are still going real swell for her, obviously.

Juliette takes some time out of working her way down her narcotics bucket list to see some snapshots of Avery, Emily & Screamer at the park playing house and dial up Emily to politely relay the message that she’s, “just a gold-diggin, back-stabbin, whore.” Probz safe to say that Emily’s paychecks will stop coming in on the reg. Avery tries to rationalize that his wife might still have an inkling of affection for the creature that once resided in her uterus for 9 months by comparing her to BEV. YIIIIKES. Couldn’t think of anyone else, Avery? Him holding out hope for his now doped up wife is getting a liiiiiiiiittle sad.

Someone whose not handling the sads very well is Deacon, who is often known to drown his sorrows in the bottle, but managed to stay sober for this whole episode! Pause for golf clap. Besides, we’ve got a whole season for him to fall off the wagon, no need to rush. One thing we do know is that he DOES NOT want any DAMN funeral casserole. He also beats the shit out of Bev’s old room and stuff while Maddie spies on him and runs away because her dad punched a mirror and she just can’t even.

One thing that remains is Deacon’s fiery hate for Scarlett who is having a tough time coping and when Zoey asks if Caleb is helping she says hugging him is like hugging a textbook. WHOA. Did she take that right out of an erotica novel? Hugging a textbook? Sounds hawt. What chemistry those two have. Dr. Caleb tries to put the spice back in their relationship (was it ever there?) and decides to write her a song. Since he’s so ABOVE music, his lyrics are on par with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and he’s forced to ask Gunnar for help. Gunnar obvsicles just writes a song from his heart because he’s madly in love with Scarlett but when Scarlett reads the lyrics she doesn’t suspect that Caleb had basically nothing to do with it and thanks him by opening her legs.

Layla also opens her legs as a welcome back to her boyfriend/manager Jeff Fordham, who is playing the loving boyfriend character in scarily accurate fashion. He gives her some sassy cowboy boots for her Opry debut and I would love a pair of my own, Jeff, jus sayin. No seriously, where can I buy those and are they under 20 bucks because I’m currently on an unemployment budget.

Anyway, Layla does the whole Opry debut thang and the only highlight is Jeff backstage smugly telling Rayna she finally did something right by his client and Rayna snapping back “Shut up, Jeff.” After her forgettable song, Rayna sings her praises and they are quite soon stomped on as Marcus Keen the millennial boy toy of my dreams shows up and even those sparkly cowboy boots can’t stop her from fading into the background of The Opry…Highway 65…life…The good news is that Marcus isn’t just a pretty face, he also tells riveting stories about Prince Harry grabbing the mic from him, a lesson he quickly picked up when he basically grabs the mic from Layla later on and drop kicks her from the stage.

But before that, Avery sneaks in to pitch the producer gig for Marcus by telling him that he’s got loads of credits such as being Juliette’s baby daddy…or at least that’s what Marcus knows him for. Zing, bro. It’s gotta be REAL rough to have a rep in the biz for being a baby daddy and not a talented producer. Before Avery can even seal the deal he gets a call that his little screamer has a high fever and needs to be rushed to the hospital. Obviously. (Just don’t try to call Mommy because she’ll be unconscious in nothing-land for another 10-12 hours!)

This frees up Marcus to throw an invisibility cloak over Layla and do an extremely creepy duet with Rayna about how much they love each other with a whole lot of close-face singing. It was ALMOST as mentally scarring as Juliette and Steven Tyler’s hover-arming but couldn’t quite take the cake for all the cringes. Afterward Rayna has to tell her number 1 label star that it was “uncool” to jack Layla’s spotlight and bum rush the sacred country stage. I’m gonna guess this union will be short-lived as we all know there’s only room for one diva at Highway 65 and she belongs on Nashville’s Mount Rushmore of Hair.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”

All right, let’s not dance around it. This episode was a total downer. We’re forced to care about Bev’s life even though the vast majority of her existence on this show has been acidic. On top of that we’re on week I’ve lost count of Juliette’s downward family-hating spiral and it’s clear that this will fill Nashville’s void of torturously drawn out story lines that was left behind when Will FINUHLLY came out. And as if I wasn’t already feeling all sorts of things they go ahead and lay a heartbreaking Daphne meltdown on me when she realizes her dad is actually a dirty, dirty criminal liar.

UGH. I’m emotionally exhausted just from reliving all of those, but I’ll put it to the side, so we can talk about how Cadence is the worst baby in America. Like we get it girlfran, your lungs work just fine. I’m already not a fan of babies and her screeching every time we see her is not really making a convincing case for kids. The roomies handle it pretty well by trying to soothe her and then just ignoring the fact that she’s screaming bloody murder but of course the only thing that will make baby Cadence shut the F up is Mommy and Daddy’s original lullaby. What a conniving little snake that baby is trying to get her parents back together behind the music style on the same day that Avery files for divorce.

Before he decides it’s time, Avery reunites with Juliette’s employee castaways Emily & Glen. Emily offers nannying services, which will obviously become a problem and Glen tries to get preachy with Avery about how he should handle Juliette. Avery should probably fire back about how Glen’s facial hair is dark grey while the hair on his head is platinum blonde. Zing. Eventually he stares at a family picture, gets sappy to the harmonies with his estranged wife and decides not to sign the papers that he requested in the first place.

Juliette is blissfully unaware of her potential to be a divorcee while she tears it up on break from tour with Luke. She gets day hammered, throws a party and makes Luke join her onstage for a little Joan Jett karaoke because girl fo reals does NOT give a damn about her child-abandoning reputation. She also clearly doesn’t worry about hair tangles as she slams her head all over the joint in attempts to look rock n roll…or try to shake the memory that a human came out of her vagina a mere few months ago. Luke gives her a heartfelt talk the next morning when she’s probably still a little drunksies about choosing family over partying, like he wished he did. Juliette promptly chooses mimosas—which are delicious by the way. I bet mimosas don’t scream and cry all hours of the day. Jus sayin.

Keeping with the dysfunctional family theme, Maddie records a song WITHOUT Daphne, because Daph is too busy slugging bitches during recess for calling her dad a guilty jailbird. Rayna decides that maybe it’s time for a Conrad family reunion in prison. Prison Teddy looks RUFF and also he lets it slip that Daphne doesn’t need to throw haymakers on the playground in his defense anymore because he’s actually a dirty crook. There’s a lot of tears and screaming and all the sudden the two terror sisters are chip-chopping up family photos like little savages (or scorned ex-lovers trying to erase a cheating boyfriend from their lives.) Supes normal. Rayna finds the scissor sisters mid-demolition and goes APESHIT. Obviously this elicits a HE’S NOT MY FATHER from Maddie, lest we have momentarily forgotten that Deacon is HER REAL DAD. Don’t you even fret though because Rayna brings the girls back to Teddy’s high security new home to show us a precious family moment as she thanks Teddy for always being a great dad and husband and all around winner. Three cheers for the Conrads! Except not because Teddy says he’ll be pleading guilty and extending his stay in the big house AKA no longer on the Nashville call sheet. It was a nice send-off with his daughters forgiving him for being shady AF.

Low-key, before we get to the Bev saga, Will’s boyfriend Kevin has a motley crew over for a writing sesh and they heckle Will for not using his celebrity to champion gay rights. Quick reminder that this is the guy who was essentially dragged out of the closet kicking and screaming. Let’s get realistic about him becoming the leader of a country “gay is the way” movement 5 minutes later. Gawd, Kevin. LAY OFF.

Ok now for the heavy, a random doctor recommends taking Bev off life support and Deacon turns into Uncle Bully who refuses to pull the plug even though Scarlett has deciding power. They give Bev a medical test to see if she can take a breath on her own and the smug doc is like har-har she definitely will not and then lo and behold Bev takes a breath and Deacon gets right in his grill piece to let him know it. The doc peeks out from cowering under the hospital bed after Deacon’s aggressive “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER” tirade to announce that this breath means absolutely nothing and they should just yank her off life support already. Scarlett mulls the decision over by asking hot doc to decide for her and worshipping at the chapel piano for a little musical healing. I approve of the song, obviously. Then girl runs right into Gunnar’s outstretched arms. No, really. The final verdict is to let Bev go to donate her organs and Deacon handles it like a real asshole. But then I feel kind of bad because he has a big noisy cry when the offing appointment is. Then I remember that Deacon made his niece kill her mother all by herself and I go back to thinking Deacon’s being a real selfish turd. Either way, it was pretty depressing. The up side, obviously being that Bev is gone as historically the most milked minor character death. Most pressing matter of all though…what’s with the sloppy side braid Rayna? Clean it up.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

Last night’s episode should have been called “How Rayna Got Her Groove Back.” It starts out somewhat dreary when Deacon would rather hang out with a half-conscious Bev than bang, bang, bangity bang his fiancé and then a random old man we’ve never heard of before drops out of Highway 65. But Rayna does not fret over the silver cowboy; it just gives her motivation to harness that hair full of secrets and sign a new piece of man meat.

Meanwhile, Juliette’s next tour stop is Nashville and obviously that means she has to see that family she pretends to have. Avery drops in at the house (baby in tow) only to find Juliette amidst a full-blown high school rager. His entrance is about as welcome as the Manlius cops breaking up a low-key game of beer pong with taser guns. (I clearly grew up on the rough side of the tracks.) Anyway Juliette kicks everyone out then tries to tell Avery that she loves him and the **deep swallow to mask her disgust** child. She manages to hold it without throwing things or screaming then puts it down for sleepy times so she can smooch Avery and pretend nothing even happened.

I wish nothing even happened between Garlett (work in progress) because their awksies is getting real annoying. They have a photo shoot where they stand on opposite sides of the room and radiate uncomfies. The only bright side is that Scarlett wears a boobalicious black gown instead of the typical castaways from Mary Kate Olsen’s closet that she usually wraps herself in like a wandering bird lady.

Unfortunately she quickly covers the beautiful fitted dress with a drapey, baggy sweater to kick it in the hospital with Bev, who is now alert and speaking. Her daughter and bro are overwhelmed with joy while Rayna can’t even hide the look of panic in her eyes when she sees that Bev has clawed back from the grave to take the fame that she deserves. Bev takes these fleeting moments of life to show that her head injury buzz cut has humbled her and she doles out advice about Scarlett’s dating life and apologizes for being a dirt bag mom.

Deacon still won’t leave Bev’s side so Rayna goes to the girl’s talent show by herself and as the Little Conrad’s sing a tribute to their fave band “Boulevard”, Mamma Ray is like that’s cute girls, I’m going to cash in on your favorite band breaking up by poaching the lead singer to save Highway 65. And she heads off to do just that, on a commercial flight to NYC.

Poor, sad, Avery just wants his family back and can’t see that his trainwreck of a wife is using him and whats-her-name for red carpet publicity. The infant screams through Juliette’s entire performance—which is pretty snotty because the song is actually a good one. Not everyone can be as talented as The Wiggles, so Cadence should stop being such a pretentious music snob. Ever the closeted post-partum sufferer, Juliette keeps it together onstage even though I probably would’ve dropkicked the child who dared to offer back-up wails without approval. Juliette tries to prove she can mom so hard by changing the diaper backstage in her sparkly getup. Unfortunately Cadence had a real dumpfest in her diaper and pretty much drove her mom to run away and throw out her cell phone. Maybe she should lay off of the strained peas if she wanted to keep a mother. But in all seriousness, can somebody put this baby to bed?! No wonder it won’t shut the F up, it’s front row at a concert past it’s bedtime with a diaper full of shit. Anyway, Juliette’s mama bear act is OVAH just as quickly as she can charter a private jet and get a new number.

In exciting new man meat news, Rayna just about clinches the deal with Markus Keen AKA Riley Smith AKA hottie from Disney Channel Original Movie Motocrossed. She becomes every traveler’s worst nightmare yapping for an entire flight but pretty rockstar doesn’t seem to mind because Rayna is flipping her hair and batting her eyelashes to get him to sign country and revive her dying label. Bucky informs her that Keen’s lawyers want millions and full creative control and Rayna tells him to make that deal. Girl may have her groove back but those could be her famous last words. I guess boss bitch Rayna makes Deacon horny because he finally lays it on her when she gets home and promises to stay the night instead of just hitting and quitting like he’s been doing. OBVIOUSLY in that moment Bev’s heart rate decides to take another nosedive and Deacon’s definitely not going to blame sex with Rayna for that or anything. Also not for nothing ya’ll, but it’s time to off Bev. Chase that white light, gurl, you’ve served your greater purpose in saving a beloved character that should’ve never been in danger. Deuces.

Other Things That Happened That Don’t Deserve Complete Paragraphs:

-Some random music exec is the birdie in Luke’s ear all episode telling him to drop Will Lexington and his contagious gayness. According to her, Luke could be the next Jay-Z. Um, exsqueeze me, minor character, do not EVER compare Wheels Up to Hov. Dropping an openly gay artist does not a rap empire make. Also everyone knows there’s no Jay without Bey and if I recall correctly Luke lost his Bey to a guy with a shitty liver. Nice try, though.

-Daphne gets the bitchy bathroom gossip treatment while she’s hiding in the stall. Be more cliché, Nashville.

-Layla the invisible is neglected for an entire episode by everyone who’s paid to care about her and it’s actually hilarious. The only one who seems to care is Glen, who offers to be her manager. Remember Glen? Me neither, if there ever comes a day when I don’t confuse Bucky and Glen I will deserve a pat on the back.

-“It’s not like you guys are saving lives,” Hot doc serving a cold dish of I’m smarter than you to Gunnar and proving what we already suspected, he’s a dick and will be gone soon enough. Don’t get it twisted, Doc, music is more important than meddy-sin in Nashville.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Let Go”

Back in the saddle and only one month has passed since we saw a heart monitor flatline and the writers made Nashies out to be a bunch of gullible dum dums. A fictional month may have passed but they can’t pull the wool over our eyes, although it was pretty entertaining to watch them try.

The episode begins with Juliette working the red carpet for that movie she filmed while she was preggerz and trying to hide it. She is clearly still on the path of ditching motherhood for Hollywood but MORE IMPORTANTLY, her boobs are out of control. No, seriously, I’ve never seen more cleavage from her in one episode, not even when she was 100 months pregnant and had to be pulled out of bed by a crane. Clearly post-baby bod looks hella good on her. But I digress because while she’s living the dream, the writers are in the process of trying to convince us that Deacon died by showing a sad Rayna in an old tee staring mournfully at her daughters and then going to bed alone with a frownie face. As if that wasn’t enough, the next morning she discusses losing Juliette to Wheelin & Dealin Records with Bucky and sighs, “I’ve been doing a lot of letting go lately.” Proud of them for laying it on thick but THEN when you least expect it, Rayna and the girls are visting Aunt Bev in a hospital bed on life support and lookie, lookie what we have here…Deacon sashays into the room looking like a million bucks, obviously, because HE IS VERY MUCH SO ALIVE. He was all, sorry I didn’t come home last night I stayed at Bev’s side. Nice try, turds.

Once I was done being bitter about how outrageous the Deacon saga was, then I could focus on the rest of the episode, which included a lot more of hover-hand Steven Tyler invading Juliette’s personal space than I expected. No seriously, they shared a mic. But before that happened, we checked in with Scarlett & hot doc who I still don’t remember the name of. Apparently one month of living togets and Scarlett has turned into a housewife who dons silky lingerie. Hot doc gifts Scarlett with a vintage necklace to celebrate the fact that she stuck around and with a case of the stutters it becomes very clear that these two probably use the shared bed just for sleeping. Then Scarlett skidaddles over to Gunnar’s house where she pretends that they never smooched and Gunnar is like yeah totes I haven’t been dreaming about it for a month or anything. They sing for a couple minutes then forage each other’s mouths again. Scarlett says no more because she has a boyfriend and he’s safe. Yikes. Sounds like her and hot doc have something really fantastic. Naht.

Another relationship that’s really thriving is Juliette’s and Avery’s. If by thriving we mean Juliette gets hammered every night and Avery is playing Mr. Mom in Ohio, living with the parentals. Juliette calls Rayna sobbing one night after one too many ‘squila shots—we’ve all been there Julez—except when I have too much tequila it’s just a bad decision, when she has too much tequila it probably doesn’t help the rage that she has for her just-born infant that she abandoned like it was no big thang. Juliette continues her descent into asshole-land by ignoring a text from Avery, and verbally assaulting both Rayna and Layla. When she tells Layla, “I didn’t think I could think any less of you but there you go making it happen.” I’m like damn, go after the jugular, knock some sense into that sad, sad Fordham-lovin-girl. But when she tells Rayna that her label’s a joke I have the urge to give her a swift bitch slap. Fortunately Rayna handles that for me when she smoothly fires back with, “You break my heart, girl. I swear you do.” YOU DON’T EVER BREAK MISS RAYNA JAMES’ HEART. YOU GONN’ LEARN, GRRRL. What breaks my heart is that Rayna doesn’t know the number one rule of being famous is never googling yourself. She does that on the plane ride back to Nashville and really piles on the hate parade for Highway 65. Fingers crossed she gets her fire back right quick.

Someone who hasn’t lost her angsty teenage fire for one beat is Maddie, of course. A month is not nearly long enough for a teen girl to mature. Teddy sends the girls letters from the big house and Maddie throws hers right in the garbage. Teddy is a criminal and doesn’t even know how to play guitar so as far as Maddie’s concerned, he sooooks. Daphne takes it upon herself to scoop that letter right out of the trash and do a little eavesdropping (a little sister after my own heart.) Deacon walks in on Maddie trying to rip Daphne’s arms off and breaks up the sis fight but Daphne takes a page right out of Maddie’s book and shouts “You’re not my real dad!” and stomps up the stairs. Maddie tries to reason with Deacon and suggest that if he marries Rayna, Daphne won’t be able to say things like that. One would think the child of Rayna James would know better at this point but just to make it clear…marriage doesn’t make a dad and judging by the amount of stepdads these two almost had after slutty post-divorce Rayna, Daphne can very much say such things whenever she damn well pleases. #TeamDaphne.

In the last few minutes, we see Scarlett tell hot doc she loves him, instead of confessing to her tongue’s extra-currics, Juliette looks at pictures of Avery & spawn probably wishing she were less hungover and her better half decides to move his infant in with Gunnar and Will. Cause nothing says raising a child quite like having bro roommates. Full House: Nashville edition, anyone? What kind of wacky antics will these three goons get into, I wonder. Will they write some songs about changing diapers? Only time will tell.

Things that don’t matter yet:

– There’s a new hot guy working with Jeff to cage Layla in and “manage” the tour. And so begins my favorite game…WHO WILL HE BANG?! Spin the wheel, folks!

-Deacon is an ugly crier. This isn’t relevant to anything. It just needed to be said.

-Bev is coming back to life. Ugh. Why.

-Will does the greasy Abe shut-in thing for a while as the label punishes him for coming out but then he gets even more sad when he realizes he hates gay bars and DOESN’T BELONG.

-Layla still sux and leaves Jeffy Fordz the neediest teary voicemail I’ve ever heard begging him to tell her she’s #1 where it counts. No girl, you’re not.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: TV Recap

Nashville- “Please Help Me, I’m Fallin”

Nashville- “Stop the World (And Let Me Off)”

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

Nashville- “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

Nashville- “Can’t Let Go”