Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor S21: Ranking the Contestants

CORRINE, RAVEN, SARAH, LAUREN, LACEY, SUSANNAH, ANGELA, DOMINIQUE, ALEXIS, ELIZABETH W., KRISTINA, OLIVIA, BRIANA, NICK VIALL, DANIELLE M., WHITNEY, JASMINE, JAIMI, IDA MARIE, VANESSA, TAYLOR, HAILEY, RACHEL, BRITTANY, ASTRID, CHRISTEN, JOSEPHINE, ELIZABETH "LIZ", MICHELLE, DANIELLE L., JASMINE G.

I’m gonna be real up front with you guys, because I’m just an honest gal, but I cannot stand Nick Viall. He was immature on Andi’s season when he shamed her on live tv for “making love” to him, and he acted like a 2 year old on Kaitlyn’s season when he made her O with the mics still on and then gloated about it to Shawn B. I don’t feel bad that he hasn’t found love, he’s a whiny famewhore that I don’t care to see on my TV ever again. Luke deserved to be Bachelor and everyone knows it. Ok. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest this should be a wild season. Not only because our leading man has a hardcore lisp and cries a lot on TV BUT ALSO because apparently his fetish is dating girls with an average age 10-12 years his junior, who fantasize about being mermaids and dolphins in their free time. Hold onto your fins..let’s dive right into this season’s gaggle of biddies.

By default, any female who wrote that she wanted to be a dolphin or Ariel has been clumped in my bottom rankings because ENOUGH. Also I looked back at last year’s ladies and 2 of them wanted to be dolphins as well so like where is this passion coming from? Dolphins rape people and everybody knows it. Especially me, because I googled it after meeting a dolphin who was getting a little too fresh at the Clearwater Aquarium in Florida. Ironically, the dolphin’s name was Nick. True Story. Evidence below:

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-10-58-00-pm

Susannah, 26

susannah

Wants to be Ariel for her “AMAZING” hair and seashell bra.

Lauren, 30

A nice change of pace, the ONLY Lauren this season, but still wants to be a dolphin. Cause, like they’re cute AND smart.(Also her fave movies are Step Brothers and Hocus Pocus, which makes me WANT to like her but she had to ruin it with the dolphin love.)

Briana, 28

briana

Ya girl Bri wants to be a dolphin so she can do flips and be cute. She ALSO wants to be Ariel because she has great hair and a hot boyfriend. Although I agree that Prince Eric is the hottest Disney leading man at best (Aladdin is #2 obv.) it still doesn’t change the fact that both of these answers are dumb AF.

Astrid, 26

astrid

Astrid is a “Plastic Surgery Office Manager”, whatever that is. Not only does her job sound completely made up, but her reasoning for becoming flipper is so she can do tricks and RESCUT LOST SAILORS. On what planet do dolphins rescue sailors? Did she mean rape them? Just wondering. Astrid ideally would not like to work a day in her life (shocker that she’s now in the reality TV game) and wants to be Ariel (BEFORE she got legs) so she can explore the ocean. Explore away, boo. Maybe you’ll find some lost sailors.

Angela, 26

angela

Angela is a model by trade and a dolphin dreamer by night. She just thinks they’re so playful and sociable. Her guilty pleasure is licking the popcorn bag. So to run that back real quick, she’s paid to be pretty and skinny and one of her pasttimes is licking hot butter and salt off of paper. Sign me up to be a model as well. I’ll crush it.

Alexis, 23

alexis

Alexis is “an aspiring dolphin trainer” and therefore attempting to turn her dolphin fantasies into a career. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that she’s the nut that shows up in a dolphin costume on night one. Can’t wait to see if all of these dolphin loving ladies then follow her around like a cult leader. Alexis’ ex boyfriend once told her she had a mustache which is really embarrassing but not as embarrassing as wearing a dolphin costume that everyone on twitter immediately assumed was “Left Shark” when the above group photo was released. And so ends our dolphin and mermaid segment of this blog.

Jaimi, 28

jaimi

Jaimi will eat Nick Viall for dinner. Jk he’s not a fish or a bird. J here is a “Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian”. If that doesn’t make you immediately want to say goodbye to her, let’s talk about how she impresses guys by bench pressing them with her legs. Hawt. Lastly, she catered the Oscars–which I can only assume means she delivered the pizzas?

Taylor, 23

taylor

Taylor is 23 and her favorite clothing designer is Forever 21.

Josephine, 24

josephine

Jo here felt the need to point out that she’s 5’7 3/4″ BECAUSE THAT 3/4 OF AN INCH CLEARLY MATTERS and wishes she could be Stephen Hawking. When you’re bound to a wheelchair, how will people know that you’ve got that extra 3/4 inch on ya? Just wondering.

Rachel, 31

rachel

I’m guessing Rachel is already too old for Nick and also could probably toss him over her shoulder looking at those Michelle Obama gunz she’s rocking. She’s a successful attorney and points out how much she focused on her career. Obviously someone this driven cannot commit to being famous for nothing for the rest of her life so it’s not going to work out. Unless of course, Nick has decided he needs a breadwinner while he extends his five seconds of fame into FAR TOO LONG. (Still not bitter.)

Liz, 29

liz

Liz is a doula, which means she pulls babies out of other women’s vaginas (typically in their home). She birthed her niece and let me be the first to say that I never ever want to have my hands near either of my sister’s vaginas so this raises a red flag for me. In a little fill in the blank quiz, Liz admits that if she never had to “kill somone” she’d be happy. UH, SAME? Always hope you won’t have to commit murder in your lifetime. Seems reasonable.

Olivia, 25

olivia

Olivia is an “Apparel Sales Representative”, which is the Bachelor way of saying she works in retail. Hey guys, JUST SAY SHE WORKS IN RETAIL!!! It’s ok! We all know everyone quits their jobs to go on this show anyway! Liv was the kicker on her football team in high school and cried so hard during her first maid of honor speech because it was so bad that she had to take a TO in the middle of it. Not a great highlight reel so far.

Lacey, 25

lacey

Out of everyone living or dead, Lacey chose to have lunch with Joe Jonas and now she is dead to me.

Sarah, 26

sarah

The wildest thing Sarah ever did was move to NYC with “3 bucks”. So Sarah was clearly once homeless because I don’t know anyone with 3 bucks to their name who doesn’t sleep on a park bench at night.

Jasmine G, 29

jasmine-g

Jazz is a pro BBall dancer, which is a super cool job–then she compared herself to Guy Fieri.

Raven, 25

raven

Raven’s favorite actress was Brittany Murphy (WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE LOLOLOL) I’d love to get her hot takes on the Lifetime unauthorized Brittany Murphy biopic.

Vanessa, 29

vanessa

Another Canadian in the mix, V is 5′ 3 AND A HALF”, if she could be any fruit or veggie she chooses onion and her favorite gift was a promise ring. I don’t think she’ll make it past the first night.

Ida Marie, 23

ida-marie

WHAT a name. Ida Marie eats cheetos with a pickle. I love cheetos, and I love pickles, but I nearly barfed that the thought of mixing the two. Clean it up, IM.

Corinne, 24

corinne Cleavage Corinne over here is in the process of lasering off all of her tats. It should be illegal for her to tell us that and not give the juicy deets of what she regrets inking, accompanied with pictures.

Kristina, 24

kristina

Instead of keeping it light and fun in her bio, Kristina gave us a peek into her past by saying she’d like to be her mom for a day to understand why she chose alcohol over her kids. She was an orphan and is grateful for her parents adopting her. We will obviously hear her entire history on night one. Also, on the bright side–when asked who her favorite designer is, she said herself.

Whitney, 25

whitney

Whit lives life with no ragrets, Tim Riggins style and really wants to be Gisele so she can be a model AND married to Tom Brady. Get in line, girl.

Danielle M, 31

danielle-m

Danielle lost her fiance and moved to Nashville to start over so she will be pegged immediately by producers as the damaged one going through a hardship. If we’ve learned anything it’s that you don’t want to end up like Kelsey Sanderson Poe, who scripted her time on the Bachelor better than a trashy lifetime movie.

Elizabeth, 24

elizabeth

Elizabeth wants to be BOTH Britney Spears and Kate Middleton. Cause, like, they have so much in common. She also has misophonia which is when you hate listening to others chew. So basically everyone on this planet suffers from that because chewing is supes gross.

Brittany, 26

brittany

Brittany seems normal and probably will make it far but for entertainment value she’s a real snooze. She knows that food is the way to a man’s heart and wants to be married with a kid in five years. Also not to be petty (but totally to be petty) I’m all for trying out the choker trend mostly because I idolize Kaitlyn Bristowe and she’s all in on chokers but this one having loose tails that hang down is really throwing me off. I don’t love it.

Dominique, 25

dominique

Dominique mentions Chipotle and burritos twice in her bio (in addition to a brunch shout out) so she’s like one step away from becoming a walking basic betch graphic tee. But I like her because her lunch date with three people alive or dead consisted of Jesus, Leonardo Dicaprio and her Grandpa. What a crew!

Michelle, 24

Speaking of zany choices for lunch with 3 celebs, Michelle (who owns a food truck) tossed down Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani and Princess Diana. WHAT WOULD THESE THREE TALK ABOUT?! The ideas are endless. Also I’m gonna need to know exactly what type of food she trucks, stat.

Danielle L, 27

danielle-l

Dan-triple-L is a babe soda, started a business when she was 23 and <3’s Chrissy Teigen of course.

Hailey, 23

hailey

Hailez is a Canadian who loves 90’s music and building schools in China on the DL. So she’s chill AF and also does good shit for the world. Plus she’s pretty. Do we think she knew Nick was the Bach when she signed up for this?

Jasmine B, 25

jasmine-b

I’m down with Jasmine. Not only does she have an “always and forever” tat (shoutout to the best fictional couple to ever get married and have a baby before high school graduation) but the flaws she listed were that she’s “too nice” and “cares too much.” CLASSIC job interview spin zone. Oh list my weaknesses? Sure, I’m too pretty. #TeamJB

Christen, 25

christen

Christen topped my list not because she’s the hottest or the most interesting. It’s because her weird obsession made me laugh the hardest. (There was never going to be a frontrunner in this mix, sorry bout it.) Anyway, it was business as usual reading Christen’s blurb and fearing a shoutout to dolphins when I noticed that peeping tom is more her style. When asked if she could break any law–she said she wants to break into the White House and hide in a closet just to see what goes on. Then if she could have any job in the world she chose the President. Girl just wants to creep all up in that White House and I have no choice but to respect it.

Welp that’s it. That’s this year’s crop of 30 dazzling girls. Who will be a frontrunner? It’s literally impossible to tell. Tune in January 2nd for the 100 hour premiere. I for one, CAN wait.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

HEY! Give yourself a round of applause because we made it through the MOST DRAMATIC season EVER (read: shittiest season ever) and for that we deserve all the awards. Not so fast though, first we have to watch the final episode “Live from LA” so they can insert a bunch of audience reactions and Chris Harrison one liners to fill up the extra time. We pick up with Kaitlyn talking about how good it is to be back in LA as the caption flashes Malibu. It’s time for the boys to meet Kaitlyn’s family NOT in her hometown, because budget travel. Kait breaks the news that a guy from another season snuck his way on and is in her bottom two, her sister with the most unfortunate case of skunk head, is immediately like NICK V OMGEEEEE.

While sis fans herself, momma Leslie has some very strong feelings toward Nick from watching Andi’s season and those feelings are that he’s a D-bag. Kaitlyn is like you can’t judge him Mom, GAWD. Then Kaitlyn proceeds to casually tell her family that she slept with Nick so she’s created a nice little situation for him to walk into.

Speaking of, enter brillopad-head wearing an open button down, a white undershirt and an armful of wooden beaded bracelets. He cleans up nice. Once Kaitlyn warns him that her parents have pictured them having sex, he admits he’s nervous now, Kaitlyn is like yeah you’re pretty much F’ed. Nick’s talk with Leslie is epic because she calls him arrogant and possessive but then it goes downhill real quick because Nick turns on the waterworks and wins Les over by the end. He also puts on a show for Kaitlyn’s dad and gets the blessing.

But enough about that, it takes Shawn .2 seconds into meeting Kaitlyn’s family to blow Nick out of the water. He brings the heat with his thoughtful family gifts, makes a wedding quality toast before dinner and has Leslie (soon-to-be reality show star) vying for his attention as she asks if she can steal him away. Unfortunately, she wants to twist the knife and talk to Shawn about the S-E-X thing. He handles it well, by letting Leslie lick chocolate sauce off his abs. Hair queen Haley is #TeamShawn and it makes me wonder if anyone is actually #TeamNick. Finally, he asks both parents together for permission to marry Kaitlyn and obviously walks out with an invite on the next family vacay because, duh.

Chris Harrison pops up again to take a quick audience poll if the family liked Shawn (all the applause) or Nick (only his family meekly clapped) best. This is why they pay him the big bucks.

Unfortunately, even though everyone in America knows who has already won, we’re forced to live through more sloppy kisses as Nick and Kaitlyn have their last date. They drink champagne on a boat and Nick says, “I look forward to having you on my couch.” Of course you do, Nick. Later Nick takes a cue from every horny college frat bro and tells Kaitlyn, “I got you something, it’s in my bedroom.” Nick’s gift surprisingly is not his penis but a framed photo of their first date with a queer poem next to it about the electricity of kisses. Also he spelled energy wrong. Kaitlyn becomes putty in his hands just because of a cheesy poem that didn’t rhyme instead of retching, which is how I responded to this gift.

Kaitlyn and Shawn’s last date is so terribly awkward that I’m going to pretend it never happened. There’s some heavy petting…of Shawn’s leg and then FF to later because Shawn gives a dope ass gift and at this point, seriously Nick who? Shawn gifts her with a memory jar of pictures and notes. He probably didn’t spell anything wrong and also still has cool points because he didn’t write a shitty poem. Crushed it. Still reeling from the best gift ever, ABC throws a gratuitous shirtless morning scene from Shawn right at us with no warning and I audibly gasped. They may not be in an exotic land, but does that even matter when Shawn’s 100-pack fills the screen? No. No it does not. Shawn clothes himself just in time for Neil Lane to arrive with the rings.

Meanwhile, Nick drinks coffee with his shirt on, buttoned up. BOOOOOO. See yourself out, Nick. Neil shows up and Nick tells his sordid tale about how last time when he was expecting Neil, Andi came instead and sent him to dumpsville: population one. Neil is like oh really? That’s nice why don’t you open up my briefcase of rings and let’s get this product placement over with. After getting a nice boost of confidence for making it far enough to pick the ring, Nick bounces out of the limo FIRST (death sentence) and tells Kaitlyn how obsessed he is with her. Just as he’s reaching into his pocket for that ring, Kaitlyn goes NO. It is BRUTAL but also AWESOME. Shutdown nation. Sucks to suck, Nicholas..bet ya kinda regret jumping back into the TV dating game to get dumped all over again, huh? He leaves, a lover scorned scheming of ways to get back at her on After the Rose and chucks that precious Dublin claddagh ring right alongside his dignity. Nick’s famous last words? “I am the world’s biggest joke.” Cut to Chris Harrison and a terrrrrrible reaction shot of Nick’s family looking like he hung himself on national television. YIKES. According to Chris everyone is stunned to silence and according to the producers we need to watch this silence for an extra 30 seconds so that we, too, can feel as uncomfy as the people sitting next to the Viall family.

For our grand finale of hair, abs and TRUE LOVE, enter the babe soda that is Shawn Booth. In his best version of monotone, Shawn reads a speech you might find at the end of a rom com straight from a teleprompter and I still find it baffling that no one questions how scripted these final moments are each season. The good news is that they both agree it was love at first limo and Kaitlyn will never bone Nick again (for a bit). They get engaged to date for a couple of months and I could not be more pleased with this pairing…Also SURPRISE! to everyone who somehow avoided the spoiler snapchat that made it’s rounds for roughly 2 months on the interweb.

Not to be the person who said I told you so…but ABSOLUTELY to be that person, here is a lovely excerpt from my first blog about this season’s contestants published on May 13th, 2015:

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

NBD but HBD, people. It’s called blogger’s intuition like you read about. You’re welcome, America.

And for those who didn’t stay up past their bedtime in gleeful hopes of catching a final Nick vs. Shawn showdown…here’s a quick summary of AFTER THE ROSE:

There’s more heavy leg petting, lots of Kait & Shawn smooching and even more pans to little Bella sobbing in the audience, methinks this girl is going to need a good deal of therapy. The buildup of our bro fight results in Shawn and Nick sitting on a tiny couch, crossing their legs in a power stance so their feet are almost touching. To be clear, Shawn does the leg cross first and Nick immediately copies him. #EskimoBrothersForLife

Also, Nick has finally learned his lesson and was a PR dream for the entire after show, using his words nicely and not speaking from the boned and thrown heartbreak that probably consumes his life. To end on an uplifting note, my father who watched the finale of Andi’s season and never saw a minute of the Bachelor(ette) afterwards responded to my text about Nick’s double dumping with “I bet he has pics of her hoo-ha to put online. He’s that kind of guy!!” Good riddance, Nick. I will not misssssSsssSssth you.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!

I missed the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode because I had after work adult beverages and then made the executive decision to go grocery shopping while buzzed. It was not a decision I recommend anyone else make. I ran over my own foot with the grocery cart and bought a frozen pizza that I later burnt my tongue on. Needless to say it’s for the best that I don’t drink on school nights. I arrived back home just in the nick of time to catch Ben wearing the SHIT out of a cream Irish knit sweater. Yum. Anyway, Ben and Kaitlyn are exploring the majestic Irish countryside because it seems that production has made some travel budget cuts this year and the cast is stranded in Ireland until they can save up enough to fly coach to their next location. Ben tells Kaitlyn about how he just turned 26 on the show, in a way someone brings up their birthday to make the other person feel shitty for not knowing. Kaitlyn is 30 so like rawr, cougar status. But Ben is all, age is just a number, it doesn’t make one bit of a difference, which is something that someone who is much younger can say, because they still have their youth and nothing to be bitter about. Ben is invited to stay the night in the fantasy castle suite and immediately issues a castle-wide boner kill when he gleefully shouts “best.sleepover.ever.” as visions of braiding each other’s hair and sneaking an R rated movie dance around his head.

I’m assuming that’s what they do as Kaitlyn reveals in the morning that she only got a half hour of sleep, you know, cause they were pullin pullin pullin an all-nighter. Ben’s best sleepover ever couldn’t be complete without him borrowing a pair of Kaitlyn’s capri sweats for the walk of shame, shame being the key word here. All I’m thinking is…

Hey guys, remember Shawn, my former favorite who doesn’t know what show he’s on? Kaitlyn gifts him with a hot pink polo because they will be golfing for their date. Kaitlyn’s efforts to make him look like a loser fail horribly because Shawn can pull off ANY color and look fabulous. Unfortunately he quickly ruins my drool sesh by using golf as a shitty metaphor for love. He muses, “Golf is like love because the goal is to get a hole in one”….or something along those lines. Since they both suck at golf, the day quickly spirals to a game of Truth or Dare because I guess this week’s theme is middle school. Shawn picks dare because, duh and he’s dared to strip down and golf in the nude. He takes off his pants to reveal he’s wearing as he called them “compression leggings” and as America calls them, long johns. Shawn leaves his socks on because he’s a gentleman, and there IS a strict golf course dress code. The point being, Shawn gets a SIZEABLE black box. Amirite, ladies? Bless your dirty birdie soul, Kaitlyn.

Later at dinner, Kaitlyn brings up why the hell Shawn always gets his ankle-length undies in a twist over Nick. Shawn gets REAL fired up and compares Nick to a thirteen year old girl for spreading rumors. This leads to Kaitlyn giving Shawn the key to the fantasy suite, so that they can stay up all night and talk shit about Nick and maybe also prank call him. The morning after, Shawn struts out of the suite, right into Nick’s waiting clutches. “Oh sup, Shawn, fancy running into you here, can I steal you away for a minute?”-Nick asks. They sit down and shout words at each other. The end. I don’t want to watch one more minute of these two fighting like baby bitches and therefore refuse to recap it.

Kaitlyn puts on a sexy cleavage-baring red dress to sit down with Chris Harrison and talk boyz. Obviously this decision is going to be very DIFFICULT and PAINFUL, which is why after her intro rose speech, Kaitlyn needs a minute to properly wah. The decision is made that it will be Nick vs. Shawn in the bottom two, as if it could ever be any other way. Ben remains unlovable. JK. Call me, Ben ;). After Kaitlyn departs, they leave the remaining two locked in the room together with alcohol to see who makes it out alive. They both stuff their hands in their pockets and stare at the wall.

FINALLY the stay in Ireland is over and it’s off to Utah for both hometown visits. Wait. Did I hear that correctly? Yes. This show has shit on all traditions and instead brought the two families to meet Kaitlyn in the exotic locale of Utah. Nick is first and he blubbers to Kaitlyn that he loves her and apparently with Andi it would’ve been a leap of faith but this time he’s tote sure that this is it. Ok, Nick. Meanwhile, Nick’s TLC reality show sized family is assembled in a room crying together because they just learned that Nick has died a horrific death whoops, I mean they’re scared Nick’s going to get his heart stomped out on national TV again.

Kaitlyn meets Nick’s 100 siblings, vows to never remember any of their names again and announces that Nick has made it to the bottom two. Their reactions are an Oscar-worthy collective performance of YIIIIKES–he’s screwed! Things apparently go swimmingly enough after that because Nick and Kaitlyn do the “Carlton” in the middle of the family circle. WHAT? Nick’s sis Maria must have similar sentiments because she then takes Kaitlyn aside to ask WTF is going on here. Kaitlyn passes the test with flying colors then later tells a couch full of Nick’s brothers, “I’ve spent a lot of time with Nick and we really bonded.” They’re clearly picking up what she’s putting down, if you catch my drift. Finally, the smallest child in the Viall family, Bella comes in for the hard-hitting questions, to ask about Canada’s geography. Bella’s clearly not here for the right reasons.

Nick has a heart to heart with his mom where he reveals that Kaitlyn’s really good at making out. A suuuupes normal thing for a 34 year old to gab about with his mom. Then he reassures his worried mother that this time around is SO different than last year. Cause like last year Nick was so confident and this year he knows better. Then adds that he’s really confident and Kaitlyn definitely loves him. Lesson learned, Nicky V.

Next up is meeting the two Gods that created the slobberworthy specimen that is Shawn and his fellow genetic lottery winning siblings. Shawn has a lot of sisters and warns Kaitlyn that they’ll be tough and Kaitlyn is like no worries, sisters are my JAM. Well you know what’s NOT my jam? Shawn does NOT have an equally attractive brother for me. I’m so disappointed. Also fun fact: his sisters look NOTHING like him. Dark hair for days. Shawn talked a big game about how hard his sisters will judge and the minute they get one on one time with Kaitlyn they’re like love you to pieces, girlfran, welcome to the fam!!!! As the sisters act like putty in Kaitlyn’s hands, Papa Booth is like ok, Shawn, what’s the deal with all these shenanigans. Shawn is quick to tell dad, “well she told me I’m the one off camera soooo”…..BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER EVER HEAR THE END OF THAT. Like ever. In our final moments, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up on the couch and Shawn bumbles on that he has something to tell her, he’s not falling in love with her…cause he’s IN love with her. GOOD ONE, SHAWN. You prankster, you. Then Kaitlyn goes outside to stare at the mountains and cry about picking just one.

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Nick Viall

The Bachelor S21: Ranking the Contestants

The Bachelorette- Eskimo Brothers

The Bachelorette- SLEEPOVER PARTY!!!