Tag Archives: The Bachelor

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- A Cluckin’ Waste of Time

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“It makes sense now, watching it.”-Olivia

Here’s our lovely Bach tradition of putting a bunch of disgruntled betches who have just had all their gossip aired for America to see all in one room so that they can show off their new haircuts and let a live audience full of over reactive ladies from the Midwest judge them. Did I miss anything?

According to the first segment of this useless 2-hour filler program to draw out the wait for the finale, 50 middle schoolers have a pajama party every Monday night for the Bachelor. That’s some bullshit. I was NEVER allowed to have sleepovers on school nights…or watch-party bangers. Chris and Ben “surprise” a bunch of people watching The Bachelor. K.

Strike 2 is the return of Tiara, the chicken enthusiast who we only remember from her pre-recorded vignette where she only talked about all her chickens that she probably gets intimate with. Her lifespan on the actual show lasted one night when she was boring AF and Ben sent her packing so that he didn’t have to learn her name. Well, in gimmicks of all gimmicks, she’s been invited to “Women Tell All” to sit there with a chicken on her lap and do nothing else. I would’ve killed to be in the writers’ room for that one. An idea board is hoisted behind the conference table with “how can we work the chicken enthusiast back in??” Light bulb: have her chicken Sheila just sneak into everyone else’s shot and at one point attack Lace mid-program. Ding, ding!

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Other than allowing live poultry to observe this event in its entirety, we learn that Jen is a real bitch that HATES Olivia’s stinkin guts and Jubilee really was enemy no. 1 because she was yapping about being the only full black girl to make it this far. Reverse racism? Specifically, the two half black girls were pretty TO’ed about this comment. Who is who? Well let’s see, both Amber and Jami are half black, have decided to get the EXACT same haircut/style, and have their tits out for the boys. THEY’RE ALSO BOTH BARTENDERS. If we’re going to take a stance on race and race relations, pick two girls who aren’t THE SAME PERSON to do so. Jus sayin. Either way, Jubilee’s like whatever I never said that, but I guess I’m sorry. And Amber (?) blows her kisses. Genuine behaviors all around. So in summary, everything’s Gucci in the bi-racial Bachelor community.

Afterward, Jubz takes the hot seat where for her entire “interview” Chris Harrison does nothing but stare at her and will her to cry. She’s grateful that Ben gave her a chance at love even though her entire fam is dead and also she’s still active duty and could absolutely drop all ya’ll bitches with the flick of a wrist.

In resident Bachelor crazy land, Lace is suuuuper uncomfy watching her own highlight reel. Same, girl, same. I can imagine that her watching this season is much like what it would be like to watch a live feed of the bar cam whenever I end up at the Boom Boom Room in Saratoga. A lot of slurring and a whole lot more eye rolling. But I digress. Lace is proud of herself and feeling great now and everyone in the crowd is really supportive of this turn of events. JK they all roll their eyes off of their heads and toss dirties like nobody’s biz. Suddenly, a random crowd-monger steps into the light and tells Lace she’s “crazy beautiful” and flaunts his full-face tat of her, ON HIS RIBCAGE. Yikes. Pre-crime on a billion trillion. It was concerning enough, but then Chris Harrison told this stranger not to touch Lace and that’s when you know you need to change your address. Lace is invited to Bachelor in Paradise because she’s a loony, and obviously she accepts.

LACE

During the gang up on Olivia segment of the scheduled program, everyone uses Olivia’s dumbass quotes to show her how stupid she is. I.e. Amanda calling “being a mom” her jam and Jen announcing that all the girls “like to read books and talk smart things too.” (But probably not the twins, right Jen?) Speaking of the asshole twins, they have no problem loading up all their ammo to shout things at Olivia and give their best stank face (as one.) They call Olivia a bully and when Leah’s like hey remembs when you two talked shit about her breath and her calves? Twin 1 was like THAT’S BEYOND THE POINT. It could not have been a more perfect response. CLASSIC hypocritical hate hate hate. Olivia is embarrassed about her mouth and her dumb sentences and just thinks she doesn’t have the right personality for that type of situation. She tearfully apologizes to all the teen moms out there and admits that she’s gotten a lot of social media hate, to which Chris scoots closer and is like WHAT EXACTLY DID THEY SAY, OLIVIA? Apparently Chris was really hoping Liv would read some of her cyber insults Jimmy Kimmel “mean tweets” style.

And of course, the most obvious choice for Bachelorette, Bubbly McGee Caila keeps a polite smile plastered to her face for the entire show until she’s called to the stage. They gracefully replay her big giant dumping and as the video fades of her sobbing in the backseat of a car and whining about how she still loves Ben, Chris goes “what’s going through your head as you watch that?” Spoiler alert: IT’S BEEN REALLY HARD. Caila also declares that now that she’s seen how Ben looks at JoJo and Lauren, she wants a love like that. So I guess she’s looking for a Mormon. Just kidding, she’s just setting herself up to step right into the Bachelorette role by artfully saying that she was hurt, but she’s still open to love. Ugh.

Then Ben is invited to come out and dodge everyone’s questions by saying all the ladies are amazing. But before we get into that, I’d like to point out that Ben is such a wiener, even when I tried to search a quiz on Buzzfeed to see if I was meant for him, they were like no, don’t do that…it gets better.

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Once I did find the quiz, I’m sorry to say that Ben and I are NOT meant for each other. I feel pretty good about it though because as Chris points out immediately, Ben is an I Love You slut. Chris then continues to slobber all over Ben and I start to question if maybe he’s a little jelly that Ben didn’t say I love you to him?!

Then the ladies get a chance to clear things up with Ben and ask dumb questions about why he didn’t like them, my favorite one being Leah who saw Ben compartmentalize relationships but then he totally narc’ed on her to Lauren. And Ben rightfully replied, but you talked about my other relationship…so I had to address it. Hey Leah, when you talk shit on camera, it typically comes back to haunt you. Be better than your black eyebrows and blonde hair. Apparently her and Lauren are good now though, so no one has to worry about that. *Fake Gigglezzz*

Then in the biggest question of the night, Ben is asked to tell the twins apart. He succeeds because a cameraman obviously tells him which is which. It doesn’t matter Ben, they’re both big giant bullies who wear skanky rompers “because they can.”

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The grand finale is a pretty decent blooper reel where a lot of people miss their mouth while drinking. Stars, they’re just like us me. See you next week for the DRAMATIC ENDING of Ben crying a lot like a lil baby bitch.

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The Bachelor- I Love You, I LOVE YOU ALL!

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“I’m gonna try to find my wife in one of the most romantic places in the world, doing some of the most romantic things.”

I was salivating at the chance to dive right into Ben taking three girls to poundtown on consecutive nights but unfortunately first we had to listen to him recap how he felt about each girl (FROM THE BEGINNING) in an electric pink button down. Not only was he yelling because the ocean locale was less than ideal for filming, but he also apparently forgot WE’VE BEEN WATCHING ALL SEASON and probably don’t need to be reminded of the three girls left.

CAILA

Finally, it’s date time and the first one is a doozy. Ben takes Caila rafting down a murky river to the tune of ethnic flutes. Thank God for the native soundtrack because otherwise we’d be listening to crickets, literally. After rapping back and forth about how exciting the day is, they’ve run out of things to talk about. I half expected Ben to be like, look…a tree! Ben uses his buzzword of the episode “emotional rollercoaster” to ask if Caila is ok. She’s not ok, which is fine because she’s as good as gone anyway.

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Later on, Ben’s like WTF was today? And Caila’s like I’m scared and then she tells Ben she’s in love with him and they smooch and violins play. Caila knowingly tells the camera that she’s in love with Ben, “when we take a deep breath together,” and she’s reassured because, “I can feel in his breath that he feels the same.” Apparently since Ben and Caila can’t hold a conversation, they’ve had a lot of experience just breathing on each other. That’s love. Ben invites her to the fantasy suite and fireworks go off during their foreplay. Thanks for that, ABC.

The morning after, Ben asks if Caila wakes up looking this beautiful every morning and she gives him a sly smile. Good answer, Caila. Good answer. And that’s how you trap a man when makeup and hair are on standby. Ben does the walk of shame right to his date with Lauren – oh the joys of Fantasy Suites.

 

LAUREN

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Ben and Lauren (who’s wearing shorts so tight and far up her asshole that she’s waddling) save baby sea turtles and it’s probably the cutest date ever. Way better than Caila’s silent log jam followed by a pile of meats on a table. But then Lauren has to ruin it by saying she’s going to be with Ben as long as the turtles will live. Do the math, Lauren. Don’t be a moron.

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Ben tells Lauren she’s too good for him (yikes) then they frolic in the ocean and probably (definitely) stomp on a bunch of the baby turtles they just returned to the water. There’s a double rainbow, obviously.

At night, in a tropical crop coord, Lauren tells Ben the same exact thing Caila told him one night earlier. Because Ben is a dud, he does not understand that every woman is threatened by him having sex with two other girls at the same time. BUT, if there’s one thing these two need, it’s S-E-X and you betcha Chris Harrison is gonna deliver that fantasy suite in his swoopy female handwriting. After Lauren lays down the groundwork with a couple “you’re the man of my dreams”, she sees that Sandals suite and goes for the big reveal. Even bigger…Ben SAYS IT BACK. And not even just in a “love you too, grl” way. Ben says, “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.” Now that they’re two consenting adults in love, I said a bang, bang, bangity, bang. (No fireworks though…sux 4 you.)

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In the AM, Ben brings Lauren coffee in bed like a MF’ing dreamboat. They sip in front of their private pool, where Ben lays the L word on her again. What a renegade! Who would’ve thunk shy, unlovable B.Higgs would be such an I Love You rule breaker. As he heads to his third romp of the trip, he muses that telling Lauren he loves her complicated things. Oh, RLY, Ben? Special shoutout to ABC for thinking shutting the door and making sleepover innuendos aren’t enough for us to get it…this pan to Lauren’s dress on the floor was just shy of hearing Lauren orgasm with a mic pack on ala Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season.

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JOJO

Since these women are on a strong path to making me feel like a hippo, JoJo is the second girl in this episode to leap into Ben’s arms. Wut3v3r. They take a copter right on over to a Jamaican waterfall where naturally they cliff jump togets. Metaphors, amirite? They take the plunge, which gives JoJo the courage to say she loves Ben (but she didn’t say he was her person.) Ben says I love you too and JoJo’s like SAY WHAT?! So he repeats it. DAAAAMMMNNN, BENNY, back at it again with the I LOVE YOUS!

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Later, JoJo reiterates how shocked she is that Ben broke #1 Bach rule and confessed his love. This is BEFORE she realizes she got a sloppy seconds I love you. Tossing it back to the hometown date, Ben addresses the fact that JoJo’s brothers are D-bags and JoJo’s like oh they’re just overprotective and would murder anyone who ever broke my <3. Aaand I bet this is around the time Ben starts to regret playing it fast and loose with the love-whoring. In the fantasy suite, JoJo rambles on and on in a bikini about how much she loves Ben while they prepare to become lovahs in their private hot tub.

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The next morning JoJo thanks Ben for being honest about his feelings and he’s like yes we’re on the same page now. Did JoJo tell another girl she loves her and I missed it? Darn. Not sure that page is quite the same.

In a plot twist, Caila wants to surprise Ben, which is kind of sad because he’s already basically forgotten about her at this point. I mean she was dunzo the minute she turned into a mute on their date. She sneaks up on Ben and puts her hand over his face for a surprise kiss. What a risky hello.

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Ben’s like oh great timing, I don’t love you—and in brutal TV dumpings, Caila has essentially walked right into this one—or galloped, in a bikini top, obv. She gets in the car then whiplash gets out and wants to know if he knew this whole time. AKA Caila wants to know if he boinked her when he knew he was sending her home. Ben may think it’s AOK to tell two girls he loves them on TV, but at least he knows enough to lie here. Caila cries a lot in the car ride home and still looks beautiful and God help us if she’s the next Bachelorette. I can’t take this sunshine chick on uppers persona for another full season.

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At the useless rose ceremony (that they still feel the need to draw out with dramatic music), Chris Harrison finds out that Ben L-bombed them both and pops a bag of popcorn for the big show. Gotta wait two weeks for that!

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The Bachelor- Crybaby Ben

 

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Laguna Beach, California with Amanda

Ben wears tight brown capris and perches atop a rock like he’s Ariel awaiting his prince to come ashore in Laguna Beach. He slides a fork through his hair and sings Part of Your World. Amanda enters stage left by running toward Ben on the beach in an off-the-shoulder peasant top that might have been featured on an epi of MTV’s Laguna back in 2004. Ben asks about Amanda’s kids and she unfortunately doesn’t lie. She tells Ben that her daughter has an attitude and really sells the whole becoming an instant dad scenario.

The kiddies arrive in matching outfits, pigtails & gladiator sandals that are taller than their legs. It seems a little inapprops for beach footwear for anyone, especially toddlers. Ben does the perfect “everything these kids do is adorbs” act and even fake chases them around/makes a shitty octopus in the sand and says it looks good. The worst thing about kids is how much they suck at everything and you have to tell them they’re amazing. What’s even worse is that Ben didn’t properly teach the little nugget how to wet the sand before sculpting.

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On the drive back to Amanda’s parents’ house, one child with a whimsical and non-traditional name cries the whole way. No better way to dive into parenting than dealing with a screamer in an enclosed space! The visit with Gram and Gramps consists completely of Ben being lectured about the consequences of having a 3-week TV relationship turn into an engagement when two kids are involved…WOMP WOMPPP. Ben reads the little runts a bedtime story written by ABC about how Ben kisses a bunch of princesses in the same night to find his true love. There’s a group hug and they all live happily ever after. JK she’s toast. 

Portland, Oregon with Lauren

In the city of roses, Ben is wearing a dad blazer over a long sleeve shirt and when he uses a flight attendant metaphor to feed Lauren a grilled cheese I think it was my last straw. I can’t support Ben anymore. He’s such a lamewad. If anyone teased me with a grilled cheese, I’d bite their hand clean off their body.

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The most embarrassing thing about Lauren’s family is that they call her LoLo; otherwise they’re pretty normz. Sis takes Ben aside and points out a number of reasons why Lauren’s such an F’ing catch and asks Ben what about Lauren stands out to him. Ben replies, I don’t know I just really like her. He realizes what a dumb answer this is so he starts crying and it works. Sis is sold. THE TEARS SAY IT ALL. Dad tells his lil LoLo that it’s not a great idea to fall in love with a guy who’s dating other women. Seems like pretty sound advice. When he tries to question Ben’s intentions, that sneaky rat works up a teary eye again and gets out of giving any real answers. It would be the MOST quality TV to put all the protective dads together in one room with Ben and watch him cry his way out of that scenario. #RATINGS. 

Hudson, Ohio with Caila

As you recall, this isn’t really Caila’s hometown because she moved around a lot and naturally this made her think Ben would dump her real hard. They make out on a bench and then design a toy house together, cause Caila’s dad is Mr. Duncan.

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Caila spends this date anticipating a toy house mack sesh. You know what they say Caila, if you build it, he will tongue. So they hit the factory to pretend they can operate machinery in a production line. Ben seeing Caila in a hard hat makes HIM hard. See what I did there? He carries her out of the factory but demands that she keep the hard hat on for some construction related fantasies.

At Caila’s house, we’re all reminded Caila isn’t white. Yay for diversity, ABC! Caila’s dad gives Ben advice on being a white boy marrying a Filipino & also calls his marriage “magical”, which is concerning to say the least. Caila’s mom is her TWIN, except for the whole braces thing. Ben talks to Mom and describes getting to know Caila as “cool”. Ben is almost as bad as leftover twin at impressing parents. Meanwhile, Caila gets SUPER emosh in her chat with Daddy as she tells Daddy that she loves Ben and he’s the one. Then she whispers the same to Mommy. If I had known she was going to annoyingly whine mommy and daddy a bunch of times, I would’ve turned it into a drinking game. Caila’s mom tells her to fess up with her love and obviously we’re 3 for 3 of girls confessing their love to everyone but Ben.

Dallas, Texas with JoJo

JoJo finds roses and a letter on her doorstep and it takes her FAR too long into reading it to figure out it’s from her ex-bf Chad and NOT Ben. PLOT TWIST. She paces around her apt and cries a lot in dramatic meltdown mode then calls Chad on speaker so we can all hear. Obviously now that JoJo is reality famous, Chad would like a second chance and more Instagram followers. It just so happens that her little dramatic phone call takes place moments before Ben arrives. Timing, amirite?! JoJo fesses up that she called Chad to end things and talk about how HAPPY she is with Ben and his other girlfriends. She tells Ben that her family is going to love him and BOY is that a lie.

When JoJo walks into her mansion, her brothers basically tackle her to the ground with aggressive double cheek kisses and I get a REAL Folgers weird sibling commercial vibe. They’re so distracted loving on JoJo that she has to keep yelling at everyone to greet Ben. What a hot start.

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At dinner we get our first taste of the overly protective Brothers Fletcher when they tell Ben he would need to move to Dallas if he picks their sister. Ben’s like k sounds good. Then JoJo and mama have a super realistic discussion where it’s clear that her mom doesn’t understand how this show works. Mom tells her daughter that there’s no way she’ll get hurt because she’s beautiful. It’s such mom logic it makes me laugh out loud. It’s about as truthful as my Gams telling me I could be a model. Oh JoJo’s mom, just you wait and see. Regardless, keeping on par with the mom advice of this episode, she tells JoJo to put her heart out there. On the other hand, the bros tag team Joelle to tell her to reel it in because she’s only been on 2 dates with this guy. JoJo’s sister contributes nothing. In fact, she might have left after dinner once she realized her brothers were putting on a show for TV ratings.

Behind JoJo’s back there’s some tensions in the kitchen as her mom takes a knee with a bottle of wine and one of the brothers (Ben?) challenges Higgi for toying with female emotions. When Ben is called on his BS diplomatic answers, he pretty much poops his pants and gets right outta there. JoJo follows suit with not telling Ben she loves him and OMG BEN IS SO UNLOVABLE BECAUSE NO ONE TOLD HIM HOW THEY FEEL!

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Roses: Lauren, Caila, JoJo (who looks like a smokeshow—probably to make up for her d-bag brothas.)

I mean we all knew who was going to go home…even before US Weekly ruined it a full week in advance. Nice goin.

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Amanda’s rightfully like why did you bring me back to LA to humiliate me and send me right back home? Uh, how about WHY DID HE MEET YOUR KIDS WHEN HE KNEW HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE A DAD? Anyway, Ben cries and babbles about how much he cares even though he met her kids and dumped her.

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BONUS: LoLo’s baby bros ask Ben if he plans on banging one out with her in the fantasy suite.

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The Bachelor- Welcome to the Orthopedic Capital

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Come one, come all (JK, not you, Olivia) to Warsaw Indiana, where Ben had his first kiss and first job and drives a shiny red 1950 Chevy around town with a camera crew behind him. WELCOME! In a quaint little diner that makes eggs, EGGS, YOU GUYS!!! Ben reunites with his parents who he 100% calls before bed every night to talk about all of his girlfriends. He describes each girl and JoJo is the only one he calls GORGEOUS, so everyone else should probably kill themselves.

Before they can contemplate it, Ben picks the ladies up in a boat and shouts WELCOME HOME! They all word vomit the obligatory, “I can totally see myself raising a family here!” Cool it, ladies. Ben lives in Denver. Leftover twin overcompensates by saying she’s ready to start poppin em out and you can tell even the cameraman is like oh, honey. Ben points out that his childhood home is right around the corner, then makes a creepy joke that the ladies shouldn’t look in his parent’s windows because they might be banging. WTF BEN?

Volunteer Time with Lauren B.

Ben drives Lauren B. around town in his vintage rental and tells her embarrassing stories about how he didn’t practice frenching on his hand in 7th grade and therefore had to ask his girlfriend how to kiss. She laughed right in his face, obviously. So does Lauren B. Ben brings Lauren B. to the youth center to log some community service and even though this date is my LITERAL NIGHTMARE with how many kids are swarming them, Lauren is a CHAMP. She grooves a little double Dutch with the kiddies and basically has a pack of girls braiding her hair by the end of the day…which is essentially the only reason to become a camp counselor (infinite head tickles.)

LAUREN B.

They shine the spotlight on half court Ronnie, who will probably have his own reality show by week’s end and the couple macks in front of all the children. I get that we’re trying to make every woman’s ovaries burst from this segment but NOT EVERYONE LOVES KIDS, OKAY, ABC? Why are they constantly screaming at the camera. The mic is right there…no need to shout or use baby talk when you’re like 12. Ugh, anyway Ben is super with crying kids and also the Indiana Pacers show up. Lauren pretends to be a huge Pacers fan. Is there such a thing? Later, Ben and Lauren B agree that dumb bitch Leah made up garbage rumors last week and they’re all Gucci now. PS Lauren B admits she’s TOTES in love with Ben. But not just any Ben…WARSAW BEN. (This sounds like the character name of a murderer.)

“Let’s Find Love in the Windy City” with JoJo

JoJo immediately wraps her legs all up in Ben once she arrives in Chi-town and I already hate her. Dainty girls who can do that are soo0oo0oo lame. You know? Anyway, it’s JoJo’s first time in Chicago and instead of showing her the sights and deep-dish pizza; Ben takes her to Wrigley Field to fulfill his lifelong dream to be inside it. And you guys won’t believe it…Wrigley Field talks to them and invites them in!!!! It’s like SMART HOUSE!

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So Ben doesn’t look completely selfish in how this date was planned, he gives JoJo a “Mrs. Higgins” Cubs jersey to wear. This seems like a real cocktease. Multiple girls are calling you their boyfriend and saying they see a future with you, Ben, there’s no need to lead them on more. Either way it works because they round the bases together. Wink, Wink. Since ABC rented the field for the day, they have to eat dinner there too. I can’t believe these two spent a whole day at Wrigley Field and didn’t announce Henry Rowengartner’s name on the loudspeaker. What a bunch of squares. In the end, we learn that JoJo isn’t scared anymore and is TEAM BEN! Also, does she always have a mint in the side of her mouth? This has been driving me nuts for weeks. What is she holding in there? Why does she talk like a cartoon character?

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Insecurities with Caila, Amanda & Becca

Woohooooo group date!!! Oh what’s that Ben, you’re going to hang out with these 3 chicks long enough for them all to second-guess themselves and then send two packing in favor of a one on one? Damn, that’s COLD. After Becca spends the entire episode talking about how much she wants a one on one (and making me h8 her), we know for sure that she will NOT get a one on one. She needs more validation from Ben. Amanda doesn’t know why Ben is interested in her because she has kids. Same, Amanda. Caila is nervous AF because she’s moved around her whole life and doesn’t have a movie theater where she got her first kiss to drive Ben by in her hometown. Amanda gets the rose so she can feel confident that Ben wants to meet her kids (so he can then dump their mom and leave her there.) Becca cries because Ben’s just not that into her. Caila cries because she isn’t part of a community straight from a movie. What a killer date.

Ben takes Amanda to McDonalds where the nicest and most cheerful fast food employee I’ve ever seen was planted behind the register. It’s been a lifetime dream of Ben’s to go behind the counter at McDonald’s, apparently. They both strap on headsets and ask a bunch of people if they want to supersize it then say the job sucks and go back to being paid to kiss on TV. The two eat a fry lady and the tramp style and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more nauseous. They basically puke chewed up fry into each other’s mouths.

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In the parking lot of the McDonalds, there’s a Rydell High carnival and Danny Zuko Ben knows everyone by name. The mayor basically gives him the key to the city because who else would bring a camera crew to the orthopedic capital of the world? Ben screeches like a lil bitch on all the rides and Amanda’s just chillen. Then they have the second most awkward kiss of this date when they are on moving horses on the carousel and almost hit faces. Cherish these moments Amanda, because you’re about to introduce this man to your kids and he’s going to BOUNCE once he sees that being a dad is more than comforting one crying kid in front of a camera.

“Home is Where the Heart is” with Leftover Twin

I feel SOOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO much dumber after watching this date go down. Leftover twin is so excited that she’s finally getting her one on one date that she can COMPLETELY be herself, which to be clear, is a moron. She doesn’t know what swans are and she forgets how to talk when she’s nervous. Oopsie! Ben introduces her to his parents so that he can later blame them when he inevitably sends her home. Leftover twin is fascinated by the ducks because ducks don’t live in Las Vegas! Her diarrhea of the mouth only gets worse as she sits down with Mama Higgins and spews her life aspirations. She wants to be an NFL cheerleader—but also a young mom and wife. Hmmm…I’m shocked Mrs. Higgins doesn’t dive face-first into that lake to escape this dud. The Higgins parentals politely tell Ben that this girl is like, really pretty but like, really dumb. And off leftover twin goes…to watch movies all day and not eat vegetables. Although she’s not as dumb as she comes off with that diabolical placement of NFL cheerleader. Cash in, girliecat. All the other GF’s cry for leftover twin. I’m unclear as to why, but it makes them look really compassionate.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben is SUPER unsure, so he calls out the big guns…Chris Harrison. Chris comes all the way to Warsaw to go, “but which one do you NOT see as your wife?” WHOA. CHRIS. WHERE’D YOU COME UP WITH THAT MIND TRICKERY? Suddenly, with that one rephrase of the question, Ben knows what he must do. What would we do without Chris? How would we ever know how many roses are left? I hope we never have to find out.

Roses: Amanda, Lauren, JoJo, Caila

We pretty much knew Becca was going to leave by the way she was framed as the whiny bitch the whole episode. So whatevs. Props to her for having a backbone and calling Ben out for the shady move, though. Ben handles the confrontation really well. JK he poops his pants.

 

Next week: JoJo’s brother makes Ben cry.

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The Bachelor-The Eyebrows Strike Back

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If you recall, last week ended abruptly after the house aired their grievances for Olivia and Ben pulled her aside to pretend it was a cliffhanger that he could take away her rose. Everyone in America knew that Ben would never snatch that rose. Those flowers are 100% black, black no trade back. When Ben asks Olivia to explain herself, she plasters a smile on and is like it’s not my fault that everybody hates me because I’m so popular and pretty. Olivia wants Ben to know that she’s not here to paint nails, she’s here to read books and think and “talk smart things.” Can this be made into a graphic tee? Olivia carries that rose back into the room like a badge of honor. I’m surprised she doesn’t spike it right off Leftover Twin’s face.

Ben whines a lot about how hard life is and then gets right to the rose ceremony where Olivia chirps to the other ladies that she’s untouchable.

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Jk she actually says COME AT ME BRO. Unfortunately I have a bright purple pinny that says this and it’s funny because it’s trashy and from the Jersey Shore boardwalk. I now need to burn that pinny. But guess what Olivia, I painted my nails and did some reading while they were drying last night. I guess girls CAN do both. Come at ME bro.

Roses: Amanda, Olivia, Lauren H., Caila, Lauren B., JoJo, Becca, Leah, Emily

(BYE Jen, sucks that you just started talking last week and Leah still got the rose over you.)

Let’s all go to the Bahamas! “Woooooooo!!!!”-how a room full of ladies greet the Bahamas.

 

Let’s See if our Love is Reel with Caila

Caila may have this date but Leah is pissed. Who’s Leah? She’s the one crying in the bathroom while Caila is out deep sea fishing with B.Higgs. Leah’s crying because she lives 10 minutes away from Ben IRL and yet never met him at a bar. Ugh Leah, go home and surf Hinge for someone to meet for drinks. But first, shut the hell up and enjoy an all expenses paid vacay in the Bahamas.

Back on the Leah-less date, Ben tells Caila: “You smile a lot.” Gr8 observation, Ben. He’s looking for someone to cry with. Ben wants to know if she’s going to smile when she’s sad. Ben’s mind is an oasis of dumb thoughts that he feels are necessary to repeat out loud. Caila admits that she feels like she loves him. Yikes. TOO SOON. But then she talks in circles and maybe redacts that declaration of love? It pretty much makes no sense. Ben is like hey you’re not making any sense and she goes I know I’m in love because I’m being understood and you really understand me. OK CAILA. She gets a rose because not knowing what she wants is SAH CUTE.

 

Love is Unpredictable with Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., Leah

The bikini-clad hoochies yacht to a private island for a quick swim and feeding time with some water pigs. WHAT ARE THESE CREATURES? Is this a thing? Come to the Bahamas—get raped by the dolphins and then scoot on over to the dump waters for a little pig tussle and weiner feeding. I can’t imagine why that wouldn’t be on a travel brochure.

Ben’s really excited because the girls are having such a fun time with the pigs. I guess Ben thinks a fun time is having fat pigs assault girls in bikinis for a chicken weiner. I feel like he should maybe be a little more concerned for their safety and learn to differentiate their “I’m having fun” screams from their “these pigs are slaughtering me and I’m terrified” screams.

After the piggie assault all the girls get jelly that Ben is hanging with Lauren B. in the water and they all quit their jobs for this. Don’t pin your dumb life decisions on someone who matches their eyebrows to their dye job, Leah. That’s not fair. There’s a lot of group wah-wahs about how life is so hard when they’re literally on a beach in paradise. But whatever. It’s snowing outside my window, but like Ben has to make out with a bunch of chicks in a tropical location so who’s the real loser here?

Later, Ben spends the evening portion reassuring each girl one by one that he still likes her. Leah shoots herself right in the foot by using her time with Ben to talk smack. Or does she? Leah is heard chit-chatting about a girl who acts different in the house that sounds sneaky like Olivia and then by TV magic, the name “Lauren B” is dubbed in through voiceover. Crack job at discreetly creating drama here. Lots of tears ensue as Ben confronts Lauren B about being fake and Leah denies talking shit about her. HOWEVER, what’s important to take away from this is that the only real thing in the entire night is the frizzy AF hair on these girls who are battling the Bahamas humidity AND an island storm.

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Back at the house the girls try to figure out who narc’ed about Lauren B. (hint: post-production) while Leah curls her eyelashes and heads for Ben’s room….to talk more about Lauren B. Ben gets a little sense and bids farewell to Dark Brows. FOREVER.

 

Let’s Sea with Olivia and Leftover Twin

YASSSSS. Death match between Cankles and the Leftover Twin. Olivia lives in a nice fantasy world where 23 is a SUPER mature age. Leftover is only one year younger and yet SUCH A BABY compared to Olivia. She goes a little too far when she compares the date to a mother hanging out with her child. It’s funny because she’s the mother in this scenario and she’s THE SAME AGE AS other twin. Regardless, both girls can still call themselves recent college grads and therefore they both need to GO.

On a secluded island with hurricane winds and a lack of hair ties, Olivia tells Ben that deep intellectual things are her “jam”, and further makes me want to punch her square in the cankles. She also tells Ben she’s in love with him and then tries to swallow his face so as to avoid the awkward silence that would inevitably follow that confession.

Not much better, Emily word vomits a speech about how she wants Ben to watch her grow up since she’s barely legal. Throughout this entire sputtery soliloquy, her face is covered in hair and Ben’s like no don’t fix it because I don’t want to see your face. She shouldn’t get the rose. But she does because Ben doesn’t love Olivia and the producers have gotten the ratings they needed from her. Olivia is left on the island to cry into the ocean and accidentally swallow some of her hair in that giant mouth of hers, her tree trunk ankles buried in the sand. Goodbye old friend, go forth to have a bustling TV career just like you always wanted.

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Roses (again): Caila, Amanda, Leftover Twin, Becca, JoJo, Lauren B.

The dramatic standdown between the Lauren’s at the end was supes unnecessary. As if Ben would EVER pick H over B. Lauren H gives good cry face though. So she’s got that going for her. Never Forget:

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Como se dice: Taste My Taco

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This week is MEXICO CITY, and on the plane the girls all shout at the camera and point because they were told to ad lib and they didn’t know what that meant. When they arrive at the Four Seasons, they cheers to finding love in Mexico and NOT dysentery from drinking the water.

“Let’s put all our eggs in one basket” with Amanda

Ben rolls into their hotel at 430AM gets in everyone’s sleeping grill piece and learns that the majority of his ladies in waiting look like garbage cans when they wake up. This life lesson is required of The Bachelor–an obligatory early morning drop-by to learn which ladies sleep in pink lipstick and glitter eye shadow, membs Britt? Leah is mortified that “her boyfriend” is seeing her like this. Who’s Leah? We may never know. Lauren H. has a retainer in and someone left their weave laying on the nightstand looking like a dead ferret. I’m not saying that I wake up looking like a dime piece, but I definitely don’t leave chunks of hair within reach of my slumber.

Not surprisingly, the only girl who looks picture ready is Amanda and she’s the one getting whisked away. Talk about a rough wake up call. Hey everyone, you look like monsters, I’m taking Amanda only, no need to take your slimy hardware out of your mouth. Seriously, put that thing back in your mouth. It’s a cesspool. PUT IT BACK IN YOUR MOUTH!

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Amanda and Ben go on a hot air balloon ride and picnic in a random field, obv. At night, Ben does his typical deep probing interview process and Amanda tells him how her ex-husband sucked. Ben is in shock that a guy wouldn’t “wrap her and her children up.” That was a real sentence he said. Wrap them up in what, Ben? Do tell. Amanda reassures Ben that she shouldn’t be tossed aside because she’s already taken the marriage thing for a spin; in fact, marriage is more special to her now. Oh, honey. You obviously haven’t seen the outcome of The Bachelor…you don’t need to be serious about marriage to get the proposal at the end. Just pretend long enough for the press tour afterward and then you can both move on with your separate blogging careers and DWTS appearances. Anyway, Ben is like thank you for opening up here’s a rose, date’s over. Let’s not talk about me. Do any of these girls know a thing about him? Why is he such an interrogator on dates? Has he ever held a champagne flute before? All questions that demand to be answered.

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“Como se dice…the way to a man’s heart” with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

WHAT a crew to learn basic Spanish in front of my very judgmental eyes. It’s possible that I’ll take it easy on them because I had a very Bachelor-contestant-esque moment last evening when I questioned if Mexico City was actually in Mexico. Turns out it is, and also I’m a moron. At least I’m really pretty. You don’t need to be both smart and pretty in this world, so I’m told. Case in point, the girls butcher learn how to say “I’m falling in love with you” and “I’m going to kiss you now” in espanol, because that’s VITAL for reading recipes in another language. It’s rough, but not as rough as Emily admitting she has no cooking skills or language skills and orders tres churros. (How do you think she pronounces Haitians?) SHE’S ONLY GOOD AT TALKING IN UNISON GUYS, CUT HER A BREAK! Jubilee turns into a jelly belly during the high school class sesh and sasses Ben back in English. The girls look on in horror. NOBODY talks back to their boyfriend. She gonn’ learn. (Really, though.)

At the market, Olivia snags Ben for her team and Jubilee tries a little threesome action, she’s quickly swatted away. It only takes two to romantically feed each other crickets. Everyone looks on with dagger eyes. Leftover Twin harps on Olivia’s dragon breath again like a real catty ass bitch who doesn’t know how to do anything but be a twin and apparently bark about someone else’s halitosis. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco. She knows her taco tastes really good and she just WANTS SOMEONE TO EAT IT. EAT JOJO’S TACO, DAMNIT. Jubilee takes the W for best fish, by herself, I guess? She’s taking all the credit and I’m wondering if she even had a partner other than her misery and potent jealousy in this competition.

At drinks later, the stealing is off to a hot start when Olivia cuts him off mid-sentence for a mediocre conversation about their meal that looked so gross the chefs talked about it in their native language like the Asians do at the nail salon when they see how gross someone’s feet are. Remember Jen and her big T’s from week one? She’s back in action this episode with a few lines. I start to think, Good for Jen! Coming back into the game. Then she says, “Once I commit to someone they’ll have my heart and soul forever.” HEAVY re-intro from Jen. Lauren B. is wearing gloriously white crop coords that I’m guessing only look good on little petite size 0 nuggets. She’s rewarded for looking like a dime with a severe tongue inspection from Ben to the symphony of church bells. He sees angels, or ripping that white skirt off Lauren B. Either one. Jubilee gets some QT with Ben to whine about her life and how hard it is to date him and constantly be such a raging B when he’s trying to be nice to her. She rips her hand out of his. He should’ve hip-checked her to the curb right then. Ben asks Jubz, straight up now tell me, do you wanna be with me? Jubilee has the BaLLZ to reply, “I want you to tell me that you want to be with me.” BAIIIIII. I was once on Team Jubilee when dem hoes (AMBER) were after her but she dug her own grave here. JoJo steals Ben hot off the Jubilee sendoff and looks like a real dick. Ben glares at her then makes out with her. Olivia gets a rose cause they “reconnected.” Although, according to Olivia and her magical imaginary touches from Ben, they never really un-connected. A leg push ALWAYS means something ladies, never forget.

Mexican Fash Week with Lauren H.

Lauren H. is JUST a teacher who has an ambiguous maybe Midwestern, maybe southern accent and dutifully wears her retainers. Golly gee, how could she ever end up on a catwalk during fashion week? Answer: because at Mexico fashion week, the clothes are made with good ole-fashioned spin-art.

Lauren H. asks everyone how long they’ve modeled, says she’s super nervous then proves to all those bitches who’ve been at it for 4 years that anyone can walk a runway. (And probably have a diet consisting of more than cotton balls with duck sauce.) Later on, Ben asks her to reveal her life story and we learn that you can’t make it on the Bachelor unless you have a carousel full of emosh relationship baggage trailing behind you. Lauren H. one ups Amanda’s ex-husband story with a tale of a boyfriend she dated for 4 years, moved across the country for, and found out he was side-piecing 3 other chicks, one of them being…HER FRIEND. That’s some real Days of Our Lives shit right there. She has decided to always choose happiness and that’s why she’s so bubbly and carefree and into smooching puppets. Don’t ever gloss over the fact that she put her lips on a puppet last week. Ben <3’s that about her and gives her a rose.

Cocktails

This episode was really boring and I was truly hoping we would get a fiery fight in our cocktail hour and instead we got one-part twin tears and one-part MTV insults. But first, Lauren B. wants to tell Ben things are getting pretty serious so she lets him know that she can see a life, but not just a life, like a LIFE life with him. Okay, Lauren B. time to lay off the vino. She also tells him it’s terrifying. So that’s comforting.

Not as comforting as Olivia informing Amanda that her life sounds like a Teen Mom episode. Amanda stands her ground, good for her and fires back at Olivia that she had a kid when she was 22. To be fair, the Teen Mom OG crew is around that age and on their second kid, SO THERE. She also adds on that Olivia reminds her of Snooki because she’s a hot mess. MTV sits back in their executive chairs over Times Square and gleefully rubs their hands together. Two original show name drops in one night. Why even buy advertising? Leftover Twin cries about Olivia being disrespectful and decides to air her grievances to Ben, AKA suicide mission. That’s bold of her but also not that bold because she would’ve been gone next week anyway. Olivia comes out of nowhere to pounce probably because a producer tipped her off to the blood. Olivia gives Ben a ring while Leftover Twin calls Dumped Twin to cry waterfalls about how Olivia is rude and stuff. Ben calls each witness to the stand to say something shitty about Olivia and there’s certainly no shortage of bitchy comments in that department. The Hoover dam has been opened and it’s flowing out of Olivia’s open mouth. Will Ben take backsies on that rose or will he continue to have the spine of a jellyfish and keep her around to terrorize the others behind his back? I think we all know the answer.

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor-Viva Las Idiots

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“Olivia’s talent seems to be popping out of a cake and into the other girls’ nightmares.”-Chris Harrison

Snaps for this season of the Bachelor already giving Ben a bigger travel budget than Kaitlyn had. Have at it, feminists, because we’re on week 4 and the group is already hitting Vegas, with a trip to Mexico on deck for next week. Kaitlyn’s season couldn’t even afford home visits….so0oo0…

Speaking of hometowns, the twins are ecstatic about Ben visiting their native land before he even knows which one is which. They can’t wait to show him the Eiffel Tower and Tombs of Pharaoh. Maybe they’ll even dip into Caesar’s Palace and Twin 1 will tell him that the real Caesar lived there. Olivia just wants to see Celine. Same girl, Same.

 

“You Set My Heart on Fire” with JoJo

Shocker, their date is a helicopter ride, since it’s following my previously outlined date-with-Ben algorithm. SUUPER original. Except this time he sets up a table with champs just for the helicopter to blow it over and force him and JoJo to duck behind it for cover. Later on, JoJo apparently is sad she’s had a failed relationship. In other news JoJo is really boring and breaking up with a guy after a year isn’t the most dramatic thing we’ve ever heard. I mean a mere week ago we learned about someone’s entire family dying. Kick it into perspective, girlfrand. Anyway, there are fireworks and sloppy kisses and Olivia hears a few crackles in the sky and almost sniffs them out to prevent someone else’s relationship from advancing ahead of hers.

Talentless Hacks with Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel, Olivia, Amanda, Lauren B., Jubilee

Nothing says VEGAS quite like a shitty ventriloquist that a few of the girls pretend to know. This ventriloquist would have been the worst act to ever grace Vegas, if it wasn’t for Olivia and her cabaret number. Bless Lauren B. for speaking for every girl on this show and admitting, “I have no talent. I have 0 talent.” I wonder if that’s a tagline used in the casting call for each season? It seems fitting. Even though Ben has requested everyone to unearth their deepest special talents, some are better than others at admitting they’re dust when it comes to the talent department. I’m looking at you Lauren H. Singing “Old McDonald Had A Farm” and spelling out the word rose in a chicken suit does not a talent make. Someone was on Lauren H’s side though because despite that being REAL embarrassing, she really dodged a bullet when a producer talked Olivia into going for whatever she was trying to go for there.

Enter: the worst stripper you could ever hire. Olivia clamors those honking ankles of hers out of a cake and clunks over the edge. Once her hooves hit the ground she then breaks into an awkward shimmy, kick, spectacle and the crowd is really feeling it.

JK her performance makes everyone in this world uncomfy, including Ben. Since Olivia is really confident in herself and never gets embarrassed, it’s surprising to see that she immediately is mortified and has channeled that into a 5 star panic attack. SERIOUSLY GUYS GET THE CAMERAS AWAY FROM HER!! SHE HATES ATTENTION!

At the evening portion of the most embarrassing televised moment of Olivia’s life—please keep in mind this is the same girl whose jaw at one point extended from the top of my TV screen to the bottom—Caila is commended for being a sex panther. Show’s over, Olivia. You’re the anti-sexy and Ben just compared another woman to a wildcat in the sheets. There’s a sidebar of Ben and Lauren H. hanging out with a puppet. It’s sad that Lauren H. thinks five minutes with Ben and a dummy counts as a real date. I almost shed a tear for her. Then she kisses the puppet and she ain’t worth my pity tears. Olivia finally gets her moment to shine (ask Ben if her performance was a boner kill) and Ben’s like, “it wasn’t thaaattt…”CUE THE TWIN-INTERRUPTUS. As the ladies know, you can’t keep an Olivia down and she comes back with an awkward jig and a vengeance. She can’t go to bed without a smooch from Ben. So she forces him to kiss her by leaning in with her lips out and staring at him with the crazy eyes. Lauren B. gets the rose.

 

“Get Dressed it’s a Big Day” with Becca

Becca gets a wedding dress hand-delivered so that all the other girls can shit themselves and make aggressive jokes about her virginity. Cause girls build each other up and stuff. On the date, they marry OTHER people in a tacky Vegas chapel. By that I mean Ben marries other people and Becca watches with an encouraging smile. Ben tries to make other people’s marriages all about him and his newly online ordained skillset and not to raise any unnecessary red flags…but Ben and Becca are definitely witnesses to a very creepy mail order bride sitch, but that’s neither here nor there.

BECCA, BEN HIGGINS

Later, Ben takes Becca to a junkyard with neon signs, but like it has grants and stuff. So it’s educational? I don’t know. I guess I would rather he stick to the aviation + unknown singer formula. He addresses how casj Becca was that Chris Soules ALMOST PROPOSED TO HER and she’s like eh I’m over it, round 2 baby. JK Becca is more mature now and knows she doesn’t want a fake farmer with pit stains. Between you and me, I’ve got odds on Becca to run train on this thing. The season that is, not Ben. Obviously. They discuss the elephant in the room that all of America already knows Becca is a virgin because she was dubbed THA VIRGIN of last season. Ben giggles that he’s the opposite of a virgin. I bet Becca’s never heard that one before. They both agree their faith is strong enough to not bone before marriage.

 

SURPRISE! Twinning at Home

IN A SHOCKING TWIST—Ben wants to do a 2-on-1 AND hometown date with the twinz. So basically, Ben is forced to prove that he still doesn’t know which twin is which. One of the twins (Haley?) is embarrassed that her bedroom at home (where she still lives because she’s fresh outta college) is littered with pics of her and her ex boyf. I’m embarrassed by the amount of Pink body mists she owns. My watching partner of the evening roots for Ben to end up with the mom, mostly because he thinks the twins are uggo. Instead, Ben kicks the girl (Haley?) who’s hung up on her ex-bf to the curb. Emily’s really proud of her sister for being so strong, especially since she basically told Ben to cut the dead weight of her own flesh and blood. Also we can go ahead and QUIT IT with the twins telling him he needs to treat them as individuals. RLY?

Also, related but unrelated- shout out to my best roomie Den, who put up with 2 hours of garbage last night and even gave me an update on what I missed when I went to get my laundry. You da real MVP. No matter what Olivia says.

Rose Ceremony

JoJo, Caila, Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

BYE Rachel, whose last parting words were: “Idk I was the only one who didn’t kiss him yet.” AND THAT WASN’T A RED FLAG? BYE Amber, who cries on a chaise lounge in the dark, heels dangling from her hand. Pls don’t ever come back. Third time is NOT a charm.

 

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The Bachelor

The Bachelor- House of Criers

 

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This week the ladies are all lounging on the couch in their trendy workout gear and it causes me to wonder if they actually do group yoga in the morning or if like me, they wear workout clothes to trick people into thinking they’ve just exercised. Someone arrives at the house and they’re all like “OMG THAT RUN WAS JUST SO HARD.” “Oh, never mind, it’s just Chris Harrison.” Lauren B, not to be confused with LB (who left last week), gets the date and 3.5 seconds later has perfectly wavy hair and has chosen a sexy but cute outfit. 

“The Sky’s the Limit” with Lauren B.

Ben kicks things right off by saying, “Join me on my magic carpet ride” and I get the creeps. No Ben, just no. They’re going up in a baby plane that does flips and shit. Lauren B might be a flight attendant but apparently she’s the kind that straps in during turbulence and clutches rosary beads because bitch is terrified to be in a plane. But then once she’s up in the air she’s AOK and has the time of her life. Nothing could ruin this date—not even THE MOST AWKWARD KISS ON THIS EARTH. No joke, I shielded my eyes when they did the kiss head jerk several times before making contact. They fly over the bachelor mansion and even though no one can even see them inside the plane, the girls all spontaneously combust with jealousy. The plane touches down in a field that is spacious and empty, except for the hot tub that was conveniently dropped there. I guess Ben’s a real hot tub guy? Lauren B’s like omgggg I don’t even know how this got here?! And then changes into a swimsuit. It turns out they’re better at kissing each other when they’re not squeezed into a toy plane dressed like Snoopy.

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Back at the mansion, Caila cries and squeals a lot about him going on other dates. I hate that I said I liked her. On the date that Caila isn’t on, Lauren B. reveals that she’s still single because she compares all men to her dad. Sexy. Ben tells a story about how his dad had surgery once. So like, a lot of dad talk for a first date. It wouldn’t be a one on one date if it didn’t end with a singer no one knows the name of performing for them. The two slow dance, and by slow dance I mean stand in front of this singer whose just trying to get a little fame and tongue each other.

“Love is the Goal” with Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace, Emily

This date kills two birds with one stone. First, it allows for a “celeb” appearance with two soccer players from Team USA (I don’t know their names, sue me.) Second, it gives the girls who are all passive aggressive AF, an activity for them to be aggressive aggressive toward each other and just look dedicated to the game. This game was essentially made for Olivia, who claims soccer isn’t her thing, yet is out for blood. Literally. Once the girls find out the losing team can’t hang with Ben later, shit gets real, real quick. The stripes team get fired up because they have the least flattering Where’s Waldo uniforms ever, and the stars team has Emily (?) who can take a ball or two to the face. In Olivia’s plan to murder anyone who stands in between her and Ben, she sees that Rachel maybe broke her leg and goes after her to snap it clean off of her body. Team Olivia wins.

Back at the mansion, Jubilee cries about how she’s not Ben’s type and Jojo nods in agreement. (Could there be more crybabies up in this hizouse?) Speaking of whiny hoes, at the group hang, Olivia grabs Ben first and so therefore the rest of the girls talk about her ugly toes and bad breath. It’s only fair. When Olivia returns to the gossiping hags, Jami narcs on them and so ensues the most hilarious guessing game ever to occur. Jami is all; they were talking about some of your physical features. And Olivia is like was it my tree trunk calves? Or my cankles? My wide shark mouth? Don’t ever make a girl guess what is wrong with her…the options could not be more endless.

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Amber gets a rose after finally speaking to Ben for the first time. And smooching him. So unfortunately she’s safe for one more week. Cankles Olivia is obviously offended she didn’t get a rose but reassures America that it’s only politics because according to Ben’s secret cues, they’ve basically already eloped. To be clear, the cue she’s referring to was him pushing off her leg to stand up from the couch. I can’t believe I didn’t know that a leg graze was sign language for “we have a kid on the way, the rest of this show is just a formality.” I need to pay more attention in life.

“Love is in the Air” with Jubilee

Apparently Jubz turns into an awkward bird when she’s nervous and makes sassy jokes. In other words, Jubilee is me. Ben has a helicopter come to the house to pick her up because he’s unoriginal and apparently we can expect all of his dates to have some form of aviation + a hot tub+ an obscure singer/songwriter. Anyway, Jubilee is afraid of heights and jokingly asks if someone wants her date cause she’s wearing white and doesn’t want to shit her pants. Everyone just about crucifies her for that comment because she got a date and they’re all duds with no sense of humor. Jubilee convinces me even more that we’re the same person when Ben feeds her caviar; she promptly spits it out and tells him she prefers hot dogs. I was all for Jubilee until she jokingly calls Ben a white boy, which is fine, but then she decided to dissect it afterward in the hot tub. That made for some realllllll awko taco. I was just trying that one on for size, Jami. I think I hate it.

Later at dinner, they talk about how Jubilee has so many layers and it turns out one of those layers is that her entire family died in Haiti. So like, real dark shit. Ben clearly doesn’t know how to react to this so he caresses her hand a little and tells her she’s gr8. She gets a rose and a seat on his lap. When the rest of the house finds out Jubilee got a rose, they’re really excited for her. NAHT. Lauren H. is shocked and declares, “Ben wants a wife who hangs out with all the other soccer moms.” Congrats on coming off sexist AND a little racist, LH.

Cocktail Hour

The normally upbeat and time-stealing cocktail hour takes a somber turn right off the bat when Ben announces that two of his family friends died that day in a plane crash. Olivia senses that he needs a little comforting and pulls him aside to talk about how much she hates her legs. She takes the empathy route, tears up a little bit and tells him how hard it is to be strong in the face of tragedy. No but seriously, an Emmy for the editor who cut this together because that’s quality TV right there.

Jubilee actually does comfort Ben with a massage. Except oopsie, her act of kindness made all the women in the house hate her 1000 times more and turn into bitchy locker room monsters ready to attack. They claim that she’s flaunting her rose—meanwhile she hasn’t spoken to anyone all night. I see some holes in this theory. Amber beckons Jubilee to come over and get verbally assaulted for doing nothing wrong and Jubz is like aw, hell no and runs away. Ben gets involved because he’s awkward and thinks he can solve drama. In the end, Amber looks like a real asshole and should’ve gotten her rose revoked, and Ben is on Team Jubilee. It’s cute that Ben thinks the drama is all over and ends up walking right into Lace, who I’m guessing if she got more camera time this week, she would’ve been saying this:

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Lace is all tears and has decided to leave because she needs to work on herself. Apparently she hates herself as much as America does. Bye, Lace. It’s been real making fun of you. #Gone2Soon

Roses: Lauren B, Amber, Jubilee, Lauren H. (the soccer mom), Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia

Jami turns into the bitter single drunk girl, says she’s going to get a lot of cats and that humans are garbage. “THAT’S WHY IM ALWAYS SINGLE!” she shouts like she just downed a tequila shot at last call and is going home alone. YIIIIIKES, Jami. Famous last words. You could’ve been remembered for making up a mediocre rhyme abbrev that would one day turn into a graphic tee sold at Forever 21 with the taco emoji BUT INSTEAD we’ll always know you as the singleton.

Update: That was really naive of me to think that this wasn’t already a tee. And that it’s even more unfunny when printed and mass distributed for sorority girls to wear because they ❤ Chipotle. Oh, god. There’s so many dumb variations. Be better, America.

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Catching Flies

CAILA, BEN HIGGINS, KEVIN HART

Ben is suuuuper nice to everyone and caring and a gent. He also has the self-confidence of a crack-whore. Enough is enough. This guy is man candy and has a killer personality. If I have to hear the unlovable shtick one more time, I’m going to climb into Olivia’s gaping mouth and never resurface.

Group Date 1: Horny in High School

Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, Lace

The date objective is to put the girls through high school again and make sure it’s sexual and suggestive. Duh. First up? Make Ben’s volcano explode. Jubilee is stuck with Lace, who she fondly refers to, as Lacey, and they both haven’t quite figured out what makes a volcano tick. They’re eliminated first (which fuels Lace’s hate fire.) Step two is bobbing for apples or I guess drowning in a fish tank with your mouth open. Can’t say I’ve bobbed for apples since I was six but this was an atrocious display of the sport. I don’t think your face needs to be submerged in the water to get the job done, ladies. The placing states on a map part is no joke. I can’t even make fun of how dumb the girls are because I 100% don’t know geography and would probably be the one to put Indiana sideways and count it as a new state like Becca and JoJo. The latter portions of the day are for athletic ability and unfortunately Mandi pulls out the W with a barefoot hurdles display. The less screen time we get of her, the better, really. Amber’s pezzed she’s runner up. Spoiler alert: Amber is pezzed this whole ‘sode. Cause she doesn’t belong on this show. But more on that later.

That night, Becca plays the cool girl routine and shoots some hoops with him in a tight lace dress. I almost wanted to date Becca after this. They touch all up on each other’s hands but surprisingly Jennifer gets the first smooch. NeWsFlAsH: Ben is an awkward bird when it comes to initiating kisses. This should be fun. It also turns out Lace just sounds like she’s drunk all the time. She slurs about how her and Ben are eye-banging as she white-knuckles his hand. Jubilee interrupts to talk about how she lived in an orphanage once and is rewarded for “opening up” with some kisses. To be clear, Lace never gets kissed. She does prove that she’s probably on mood stabilizers though, when she begins every sentence for the rest of the evening with “I’m not crazy.” You’re not hot enough to get away with this, Lace.

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My girl JoJo gets the rooftop time with Ben and they mack all up on each other. Ben does this thing where he grabs at her back skin while he’s slow dancing/gazing at her and it’s real woof. Stick to the small of her back, Ben. JEEZE. Ben must’ve enjoyed his grip on her spine because he gives her a rose.

One-on-Ride Along: Caila

Ride Along 2 needs all the publicity it can get and therefore Ice Cube and Kevin Hart sponsor this date. They cruise on over to the liquor store so Ben can get some Hennessy and condoms. JK he’s straight outta Hoosiers so he probably just gets a 6 pack of Zima to Ice’s disappointment. There’s some hot tub times with Kevin Hart’s junk and a verrryyy uncomfy giggle from Ben and finally they cut loose from their network obligations. At their dinner later, Ben tells Caila that she made that promotional bit that counted as her date, rly fun. (To be clear: Kevin & Ice could not have been less funny if they tried.) Anyway, Caila tells the story about how she met her last boyfriend on a plane and then they ran into each other in Boston. #Fate. I lived in Boston for a year and never saw the same person in public twice so like I call bullshit. BUT it didn’t work out because their meet-cute was better than the actual relationship. Surprisingly, I don’t think Caila is a total moron and therefore I’m fine with her getting a rose. What I’m not fine with is the fact that they hired the guy whose song was once in an AT&T commercial to give them a private concert. This same commercial drove me bananas for as long as they ran it. I guess Amos Lee gets Ben all hot and bothered though because he sighs a lot and serenades Caila while they slow dance.

 

Group Date 2: Hope You Don’t Have Your Period (S/O to Lindsey)

Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda

Hey want to make girls feel like they’re dirt? Tell them they smell sour. Thaaaat’s the technology of Looooooveeeee! The girls, dressed in white booty shorts and camis, are tested by REAL “doctors” to see if they have chemistry with Ben. After he sticks his nose all up in their bits and searches for other adjectives for “sweet” to describe their funk, he pairs off with each chick in bed for some questionable heat-sensory tests. The “doc” tells Ben and Shush to put their hands on each other’s hearts. A twin exclaims, “HE PUT HIS HAND ON HER BOOB!” Really? You mean to tell me neither of these twins has told a guy to feel how fast her heart is beating just to get a boob grab outta the deal? Amateur hour. Turns out Sam stinks AND has the lowest compatibility, Olivia has the highest. She also quotes Charlie Sheen and won’t shut her big wide trap.

Now seems like an ideal time to address this week’s elephant in the room, or rather, gigantic face hole. Olivia apparently thinks it’s cute and fun to drop her jaw to the ground as her reaction to everything. It results in me feeling like I need to run for cover to escape her engulfing the world. It’s only been one episode of this shit and I already want someone to stick their finger in there and teach her a lesson.

Ben tries his best when he sticks his tongue in there. I imagine it gets lost in the cave that is Olivia’s mouth but whatever. We also learn that Shush came to this country with some bottles of vodka and the American dream. Samantha smells like passion fruit instead of sour vag—According to Ben hitting the spin zone to redeem himself for his earlier comments. And lastly, everyone has pictures of their dogs in the house and Amanda doesn’t even have pictures of her kids. This is concerning. Not to Ben cause he kisses her. He’s into moms enough to mention that he loves that she has kids but then when faced with the rose decision gives it to Olivia because boners.

Cocktails/Rose Ceremony:

Okay so this is where we learn that Amber sucks and does not belong on this show. She’s a normal person. She’s not aggressive or fame hungry enough to seek the attention of the Bachelor and therefore she sits in the corner crying about how she never gets any time with Ben. Girl, you did this EXACT THING last season you were on. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Step up your game, walk your chicken legs over to Ben and talk to him or kick rocks. You know who does have the balls to get more face time? Olivia. She drags her open mouth over to catch Ben along with some flies and he greets her like he’s stuck in a 1997 Budweiser commercial.

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Then it’s Lace vs. Olivia in the battle of manipulative minds. Lace finally snags Ben cause she’s convinced herself and everyone else that she’s never spoken to him and promptly tells him a fascinating story about how she used to look like this:

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Obviously she cries after because she’s the worst at flirting and definitely gave him a nice boner kill with that image. Ben gives Lauren B. a 4×6 of them that a producer had printed at Wal-Mart “to make her feel really special.” And lastly, Ben calls Amanda over to make some rose barrettes for her daughters that she doesn’t have photographic evidence of. What a sweetie. I guess he’s not LB’s type, though, because when he calls her out at the rose ceremony she says no thank you and heads home. Out of all the girls I wish would do this LB was pretty much dead last on the list. Three cheers for being rid of Mandi though!

Roses: JoJo, Caila, Olivia, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace, Jennifer, Emily, Haley, Jami, Lauren H, Shushanna, Amber(who only gets a rose because LB peaced. I think it’s only fair that Amber send a cut of her Bachelor paycheck to LB, weekly.)

Best Quotes:

“I’ve never been this turned on in a high school before.”- JoJo admitting she didn’t used to get horny for school but now…LOOK OUT!

“Jackie is not great with her mouth.” ROUGH.

“I’m not very smart.”-A twin. At least they’re self-aware.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor Premiere- Lace Up

 

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Listen, the first night is always a whirlwind of skinny bitches and glasses of wine being emptied into my mouth and therefore for last night’s episode we will recap by individual until I learn how many Lauren’s we’re actually going to be keeping around.

But first, Ben’s rite of passage as Bachelor: a completely staged and over the top hometown intro. He drives around talking to himself, shows us the crappy movie theater where he first smooched a girl and gets teary-eyed talking about finding love in his future. C’mon Ben. Don’t be the first one to cry. NOT a good look. But Ben’s most important role as Bachelor was being the grand marshal of his high school homecoming game. No seriously, you would’ve thought he was meeting the President with the way he talked about this honor. From what I can tell, he attended a high school football game with a camera crew. LiViN LaRgE. We also get to meet Ben’s parents, who unintentionally were hilarious. His dad is an adorable nerd who talks about how much he loves Ben’s mom and then they cheers, TO LOVE!

 

JubileeJubilee

Jubz is a vet and can absolutely crush me. Her intro consists of her flipping a guy around a bunch of times and she’s basically going to eat Ben alive.

Mandi/Faith from Unreal

Mandi is ALL IN on being the quirky girl. In Portland, she stands in the middle of a guy playing bagpipes and cycling to show us how ZANY she is. Realistically it made me concerned for what goes on in that city. From there we segue into what I can only describe as the first 2 minutes of a shitty porno as she gives an Indian man a gold tooth in her dental office. There are a lot of close-ups on her rack as she does so. Later, at the house, Mandi wears an enlarged red flower on her head. Why? Because she is the “impression rose”. Before Ben even finishes his Welcome speech to the ladies, Mandi snags him away to see if he’s flossing enough. No seriously, she gives him a dental exam. Unfortunately for everyone, she gets a rose.

Twins

Not quite ready to give up on the act that these two women are one individual, the twins play into the charade by being complete assholes that are conjoined. The matching outfits, the talking at the same time, the tandem biking, I mean, COME ON.  Ben’s reaction when he first saw them was, “That’s uh, that’s good.” They’re quick to tell him that they NEVER date the same guy so this is so0ooOo different! Clearly these two will never be separated (mostly because no one can tell them apart), and I applaud the producers for such an outrageous move.

Amanda

Amanda S

Amanda is cute and all but she has two little kids. She’s got a real full plate and she’s on a reality TV show looking for a husband. FuN FaCt: She’s the only mom this season.

Tiara

Tiara

the chicken enthusiast reads bedtime stories to her chickens, kisses them, and has several photos of chickens with a framed photo of Ben in the center. I wouldn’t have put it past her for one second to have a photoshopped picture of her, Ben and the coop. But joke’s on Ben because when she meets him she acts super normal and there is no mention of her fowl fetish. Ben doesn’t even wrinkle his nose at the probable farm stench radiating from her. I got real nervsies that Ben would fall into her trap and then get too far in before she introduced him to her chickens. Luckily, she was sent home and we no longer have to worry about her tucking birds into bed with them each night.

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Samantha

Samantha

REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted a rose. That’s the most I remember about her. It’s funny how the ones that are thirsty AF for a rose are usually the ones where we saw no interaction with the Bachelor.

Lauren B.

Lauren B

I actually like Lauren B. so I’m going to let it pass that her first meeting with Ben consists of her pinning wings on him because she’s a flight attendant and saying, “I Hope you are ready to take off on this journey together.” I’m also jelly of Lauren B. She’s like GREAT at flirting. She giggles a lot and is cute and tiny. Whatever.

Caila

Caila

is probably fine but since I’m a female, it’s important to note that I hate her. Why do I hate her? Because she jumps into Ben’s arms upon exiting the limo and he scoops her up with effortless grace. TALL GIRLS CAN’T DO THAT CUTE SHIT. DAMN YOU, CAILA. It also turns out that they both sell software. So they have like SO much in common. I wonder if they’ll work in the same office and Ben will carry her into work every day…

Jami

Jami

My gal group that I watched the premiere with all agreed that we had a crush on Jami; unfortunately we didn’t get to see her talk at all. Even more unfortunate, we kept referring to her as the bartender. Sarryyy, Jami. Hopefully we get more next week. Also apparently she’s friends with Kaitlyn from last season? Talk about knowing the right people to get a job…

Lace

Lace

Remember when I had a question about if her name was after the fabric or a dumb way to spell Lacey? Problem solved. No one will ever forget Lace again. She’s the resident bitchy slob kebab on night one. Giving dirty looks and talking about how no one is pretty didn’t really make the other girls want to kick it with Lace. Add 100 glasses of wine to this fire and things got a little fuzzy. Lace smooched Ben upon meeting him (in an aggress manner) then while chatting, asks for a better one—Something that is totes ok when you’re wine buzzed. Except Ben’s like hm, better not. Only because he’s a gem and he didn’t want to tongue before getting to know her toxic personality. He even seeks her out again to reiterate this better because they were interrupted and he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. In Lace-Land, this was interpreted as him saying, “people are shady.” Not one to quit while she’s ahead, after getting a rose she takes him aside to point out that she was watching him like a hawk during the ceremony and he didn’t even look at her once. I think I speak for America when I say, go to bed, Lace, you’re drunk.

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Lauren R.

Lauren R

Yikes to Lauren R’s first impression. She reveals how much she stalked Ben over social media (don’t ever reveal that, girls) and has “something special” to show him. That something special is apparently not her name because she never tells Ben what it is. Although, by process of elimination something tells me he landed on the 100th Lauren in the room.

Shushanna

Shushanna

Her entire first convo with Ben is in another language and he thinks her name is Shauna. Hot start.

Leah

Leah

makes it her mission the first night to come off as the “guy’s girl.” She hikes up her dress and tosses him a football obviously accompanied with “I knew you were a catch.” Cause these girls are nothing if not creative. Later on they play catch again and she runs in heels so she’s like rly down to earth and cool and likes sports. AKA she’s a guy’s nightmare to watch football with because she thinks being a fan is shouting a lot to pretend she knows what’s going on, but who am I to judge?

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JoJo

Joelle

I’m a little ashamed that this was one of my frontrunners in the ranking blog because she waltzes out with a unicorn head on. JoJo DEF has plans to wear this mask in the fantasy suite.

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Lauren H.

Lauren H

If I’m not mistaken, and there’s a high chance that I am, this was the Lauren who tossed Ben a bouquet she just caught at a wedding and probably made him want to run away. Apparently she didn’t scare him enough because she got rosed.

Laura

Laura

“My friends call me red velvet” and “He may have not been into redheads” are two of the best quotes that could’ve summed up Laura’s one night existence on The Bachelor. I did feel a little bad that she was Lace’s side bitch all night AND got kicked off. Double punishment.

Maegan

Megan

Everyone knows I was already not loving Maegan the extra vowels cowgirl. Then she went and brought her mini pony to the first night and crossed her fingers it didn’t pee all over the carpet. If we’re being real, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maegan hiked up her skirt and peed on the carpet. She just strikes me as that type of gal.

Isabel

Isabel

All I’ve got written down is that she was wearing a onesie and thus her opening line was, “are you the onesie for me?” Hard pass.

Rachel

Rachel

was my other top pick from the bios, as a fellow unemployed cookie monster and then she went right ahead and rode in on one of those hoverboards. Noooooooooo.

Jessica

Jessica

gets a real long hug and then an immediate second. And she didn’t even need to give Ben any coupons for those! FrontRUNNER.

LB

LB

I don’t think LB got a lot of screen time but she stands out because she seemed normal and basically stole LC’s name so she’s fine for now.

Jackie

Jackie

gives Ben a save the date for their own wedding. DEF not a red flag or anything.

Olivia

Olivia

only has one dimple and gave up her career as a news anchor to find louuurrve. It’s a good thing she gets the first impression rose or else that would’ve been a suuuper dumb decision. Olivia will probz be around for a while.

Breanne

Breanne

is all about that nutrition life and declares Gluten is Satan. She throws a bunch of bread on the ground and I cried real tears. Who wastes a French baguette like that? So rude. Her one-woman hate-show of carbs was all for nothing because Ben doesn’t give her a rose. He just loves pasta too much, probably.

Becca

Becca

Becca doesn’t really need to make a first impression on me because we’ve seen a whole season of her. She’s sweet and pretty and will most likely end up in the finals. I can see Ben and Becca settling down. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how lovely Becca is because Lace HATES THAT F’ING VIRGIN. No seriously, she said it. A lot. She also spied on Becca and Amber through the door as they chatted with Ben.

Amber

Amber

Once again Amber leaves 0.0 impression on me. The only thing going for her is that she was linked with Becca as they showed up late togets in the “we’ve already been here once” limo. Either way, she gets a rose, because she’s in the Bachelor family and it would’ve been supes rude to keep Becca and not her.

Jennifer

Jennifer

Conducts a heavy discussion about how she looks for men with morals and similar beliefs and she believes she’s found that in Ben. To be clear she knows absolutely nothing about Ben. To be even clearer, her tits are at full attention in the dress she’s wearing and that’s all anyone can focus on, including Ben.

 

ROSES: Lauren B, LB, Caila, Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Leah, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Haley, Emily, Sushanna, Lauren H., Becca, Mandi, Lace

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