NEW YEAR, SAME SHIT, YO! I’m drinking the wine and judging the looks. Since I spent the last week switching from night jammies to day jammies then back to my night jammies again, I don’t have a super recent high fashion streetwear snap of the type of looks I’m rockin in my very busy and important life of sampling the local TJ Maxx’s. What I DO have, is a photo of an outfit I casually slipped into at the end of November and felt like a damn main character of a Hallmark movie. What did I don this ‘fit for, you ask? Therapy. Didn’t even wear it for the full day. Strutted into my therapists’ office, she basically gave me a construction worker low whistle, demanded that I spin for her, and then 50 mins later I returned back to my home, took this picture and dove head-first into a sweatsuit.

Honestly, getchu a therapist and a dog that will gas you up like mine do when you wear something other than a fleece onesie. And yea, obviously the sunglasses completed the look. The sun never sets on cool.

WORST

Get a load of friggin emo Big Bird.

Obviously she gotta body and she knows it, but the maroon and emerald green combo is offensive to my eyes.

When I scrolled down and got to the bottom of this gown I gasped. What the shit is that?!

A bow belt AND the cupcake tiers?! What did our eyes do to deserve being assaulted by multiple early aughts fashion fails.

YIKES this sucks. To be fair, if you ever have micro bangs, I’ll never be able to get past them. You could be wearing the most beautiful gown but if your bangs only reach the middle of your forehead, it’s a total wash. Don’t believe me? Ask past Ju how ENRAGED she was for half of season 6 of Dawson’s Creek. 

 

I’ll never understand why people choose the style of dress that makes it look like you have rhino-sized child bearing hips. Makes me wonder if the girlies whose bodies resemble a straight line are jealous of my dumper. While I buy leggings that suck it all in, pull all the way up to my breast bone, and are made of a material that still manages to fall apart where my thigh gap SHOULD be from the sheer force of friction every time I take a step, skinny bitches rock a structured igloo gown to make believe baby got back.

Babydoll top with ruffles?! Wtf is that, Keira?! I feel like we went back 20 years and you’re here promoting Love Actually. Hey babe:

 

Not digging this baggy fit on top.

Oh great, another bird! Or a piñata! s/o Party City!

Girl’s talented as hell but she dresses like a trash bag. Both the hair and the dress feel very ‘just got off of my shift at the casino’ and swung by these awards on the way home.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but I wore this exact outfit to the only toga party I ever got invited to in college. And honestly, my tiny black crossbody and probably warm Keystone really completed the look.

PLLLZZZZ don’t bring the tiny scarf trend back. I know this is part of the dress and not technically a scarf, but it’s also the same. Not super down with the embroidered tots either.

1. This photographed SO terribly. 2. Even with a good pic, it still is a no for me, dawg. The color washes her out, the hair looks like she tossed it up to go to the hairdresser and have them style it, and that neckline is also a trend I never want to see again. Why do only the worst trends have a resurgence?!

Kate is a legend and this fit is way too matronly. It’s not doing her any favors. Also, cool it with the embroidered flowers, H-Wood.

Meh. It’s not offensive, it’s just so BLAH.

I feel like Amy Adams has worn the same exact dress for every single awards show ever and frankly I’m sick of it. Change it up, booboo. Take a damn risk.

GIANT FLOWER ON YOUR SHOULDER, LOOK OUT!

What is this, the declaration of independence?

Probably unpopular opinion, but you can do a revenge dress without your nipples poking out the eye of the one you’re wanting to piss off. Let me be clear, I’m 1000% #TeamBri, Zach Bryan is a scum bucket who deserves to be cancelled off this planet and this is her moment to shine since he made her feel like dogshit for the dress she wore to last year’s Golden Globes. She’s hot, she’s young, she’s a rising star. And this dress is too much. All of these things can be true. Also, not for nothing, but I’ve worn sticky boobs before for certain dresses and I’ve spent the ENTIRE time adjusting my boobs because it felt so uncomfortable and weird to try and shape my boobs into a small suction. There’s NO way it’s even remotely comfy to keep your thangs covered by these half moons. 

Peplum & Mermaid bottom.

None of this is hitting for me.

No, but who did this to her. It’s like a couch with a velvet rope slung around her shoulders.

WOW that’s an eyesore.

I didn’t want to dump all over the entire Wicked cast but sorry bout it, I can’t pretend to like this monstrosity.

I hate this So so so SosososSO so much. DRESSING LIKE A 90’s DAD IS NOT HIGH FASHION. And making the tie a feather is just taunting me at this point. IT’S WORKING. MY BLOOD IS BOILING.

Why is she going so hard in the paint as the weird art teacher aunt lately? This fall, I bought a pair of suede clogs and an embroidered sweater and my sister ROASTED me and called me an art teacher and I’d just like to formally say, on the internet, where it will live forever, the above look is PEAK art teacher. The below stunner is basically runway ready:

Honestly, I think I could easily be flipped on this. Like if she had her hair down. JK I just took another look at the pointy shoulders and got re-annoyed.

mmmm this is a quilt, buttercup. Also, it’s been a minute since we’ve seen the infuriating pieces of hair in the face dangles.

PEP.LUM. 

Instead of typing out my commentary, I’ll just leave you with this quote which is what I IMMEDIATELY thought of when seeing this look.

A skinny scarf and a pube ‘stache. KEWL.

Holding space for the draped sheet dress.

BEST

Oh ok, Toni Braxton.

I’ve never seen a pashmina look so chic. 

Oh my damn, The Rock is making lilac HAPPEN.

This guy’s like probably in his forties now and he’ll always be adorable. I don’t make the rules, I just make them. I just want to stick his bellhop jacket clad body right in my pocket and carry him around foreva.

She got me with the matching shoes and all of you already know that because I’m a slut for color coordination. I also really love this splash of a totally different color in a sea of neutrals and reds.

Never thought I’d be hard up for a little piping but it sure does complete this suit. Suave as hell.

I mean you literally do not get more Golden Globe than this dazzler!

Only a hot bitch like Glen Powell could rock aviators on the red carpet. He’s such a panty soaker and he knows it, folks.

This is how you tastefully use feathers.

This is how you tastefully use chains. JK. But actually though, this is pretty cool. Angelina looks fabulous and not at all like a woman who spent the better part of a decade settling a divorce.

I feel like this is out of her comfort zone as she usually goes more basic and I’m so here for it. She looks AMAZING! 

Ooh yeh baby, throw that rainbow streamer cape! This is so badass.

Bringing her son and going sans makeup is so wholesome for someone who the world has seen naked. I’m so jazzed by this second act for ole Pammy and she looks phenomenal.

HOW FUN!

God Bless Zoe for posing with her hands out to show that she did indeed match her mani to her fit.

Oh my gawwwww, Demi shining, shimmering, splendid!! This dress looked even better in movement on camera and honestly tough choice for best dressed, Demi was a top contender for sure. And spoiler alert, she won her first Globe! Because if I’ve learned anything, we don’t acknowledge women in Hollywood until they’re thinking about giving up and retiring quietly into the night. I didn’t see her movie but I heard it was weird AF, so there’s no way it deserved a W. Either way, whatta babe.

Don’t be pervs about this but that pearl neckline. GASP. Another top look of the night!

GET IT, FRAN.

Do I love this dress full of mirrors because I would probably spend the whole time looking at my own reflection if I were talking to her? I’ll never tell.

Living for the Hollywood veteran rolling through a red carpet with her hands in her pockets looking comfy AF. This gown is dressy but also somehow the overalls of formalwear and I couldn’t be more obsessed.

A great Gold vibe for the host. She’s literally monochromatic from head to toe. Like how is it possible for your hair, skin and dress to be the exact same bronze shade?!

s/o to Jennifer’s spray tan.

HIS BUCKET HAT MATCHES HIS SUIT. ICONIC. I absolutely need this outfit for Easter to irritate my family.

Cooper Koch, living proof that if you look like a Ken doll, you can wear a plain old black tux and kill it.

It’s simple but I like these little sparkle peeperonis.

Yes.

Periwinkle is my favorite color and it looks fab on Jean.

Ok, Glittery Goddess!!

Kate Hudson can wear a colored jewel for the rest of time and I’ll always reference the Isadora diamond and that’s why pop culture is Queen. But she know’s exactly what she’s doing with this frosting and turns out it doesn’t matter if it’s yellow or blue, she gonna pull it off.

Confidence is key when wearing colored lenses and that cocky finger point shows me he has it in spades.

Changing things up for BEST DRESSED OF THE NIGHT by awarding a male and a female winner! #Equality

BEST DRESSED MALE OF THE NIGHT

America’s nerdy King of Sarcasm crush DELIVERED, bb’s! Holy Jade Green Hotness! I’m so obsessed with this look and what a total babe soda he is without even really knowing it. We stan a humble and emotionally mature man. He’s literally wearing a boutonniere. TAKE ME TO PROM, ADAM.

BEST DRESSED FEMALE OF THE NIGHT

Are you even remotely surprised that I chose the leopard moment to honor?! Never thought I’d call bedazzled leopard boobs elegant and understated but here we are. It’s the perfect accent to a Glam Gold Gown. Well done, lil Fanning.

And for a sleeper award of the night, gotta give it up to my mom who texts a very simple but very bitchy comment during every awards show that makes me giggle.

Someone get this woman a Twitter. The world needs her thoughts.