I find myself once again cable-less. At this point, y’all should have bets or a drinking game associated with if I have cable at the moment or not. I don’t get why cable doesn’t just sponsor this blog, we’re 9 years in and TV has been my life for all 9 of those years (and more). Throw a girl a bone, I CAN’T AFFORD STREAMING AND CABLE IN THIS SINGLE INCOME HOUSEHOLD. So anyway, here I am peering through the window of a nice family sitting down for dinner while I sit out in the cold, hungry. AKA trolling People.com for red carpet photos of an awards show I’ll never see. A slave to the fashion, if you will.

WORST

A lot of ladies went with a bold red matching the carpet to the drapes and honestly didn’t love it overall. This also is a personal bias of mine (how dare I let those slip into my blog that almost no one reads) but no gown will ever make a giant winged chest tattoo elegant, try as she might by covering it up with that criss cross style. SARRY BOUT IT.

My homegirl Mickey is one of the bigger names to show up to this shindig and this dress looks like a cheap Forever 21 number. Ya gotta be better than a bedazzled club dress in an Easter pastel yellow.

When I tell you I GASPED at Nicole. Even though this is what I imagine my body would look like if I were to ever quit cheese fries and chicken tenders cold turkey, is she ok? I’m starting to get a little worried about AMC movie theatres’ number one fan. Not as worried as I am about Keith still wearing lifts in a chunky 90’s loafer so he can reach Nicole’s lips for a smooch.

I hate to do this because I like the Stapleton’s but this is such an iconic Taylor Swift look that people literally went batshit for recreating…I mean I just saw this dress on FB marketplace advertised as “the perfect Taylor Swift costume” and it feels wrong to copy it so boldly on another red carpet. I’m sure Morgane is a Swiftie just like the rest of America and wanted to pay her homage, but it feels like cheating to approve. Plus it’s kinda a cheap knock-off too I mean LOOK at the flower variety below circa the Grammys and tell me you still like the pre-school arts and crafts version above. 

WHEN WILL STYLISTS DO AWAY WITH GIANT BUTT BOWS?! Stop trying to make it happen, it’s NEVER going to happen.

I remain largely unconvinced that this photo isn’t an AI creation. Not knocking Maddie and Tae because they’re both beauties but this photo looks like one of those perfect makeup Bratz cartoon Snapchat facial filters. Gonna need a video of these two speaking to prove they were actually there and this picture isn’t a couple of robots.

This pattern made me break out in a cold sweat. It was a trend I had long forgotten and I didn’t even realize how horrifying it was until I was triggered by this dress. Remember the Y2K era of sheer shirts and distressed tattoo-like designs? Let me remind you.

DO NOT BRING THIS BACK. (She says as if the result of this search wasn’t where you can easily buy these exact shirts today.)

Well that’s certainly one way to make a statement. It’s not a statement I’m ready to accept but maybe some other fashion critic is tickled horny by this Xtina Dirrty music video getup.

Change it up my dudes. I’m convinced that these two wear the same exact thing at every awards show and I don’t have any facts to back that up. Of course you could always just look back on the archives of red carpets here to prove me right or wrong but ain’t nobody got time for that. This sparkly little jacket is giving off big time Vegas vibes and the awards show is happening in Nashville so STRIKE 3.

This dress is tacky as hell right down to the stripper heels as is having matching purple hair.

What we’re supposed to believe Post Malone is country now? Get the hell outta here, bro. Hand in your bolero at the door.

I’m SORRY WHAT?!

Are we just treating red carpets like a Halloween party now? This is literally just a Pretty Woman costume. That would be like me attending the Grammys in the iconic Andie Anderson golden gown wearing the Isadora diamond. I mean come on is anyone original anymore?!

These bell bottoms are OUT OF CONTROL.

Sick brown plaid suit, Luke. NAAAAHHHHHHT.

What the actual fuck are we looking at here? I mean furrealz Halloween was weeks ago and everyone has their Christmas trees up by now so WHAT IS WITH THE COSTUMES?! Is this a bit? Am I missing something? Cause imagine a cute girl like this was like I’ll only walk the red carpet if I can dress like a sexy construction worker and drag around a giant orange cone. She should be banned from all future awards shows for this stunt. Mostly because of the neon camel toe we were all just subjected to without warning.

BEST

This is just a good ole country boy happy to be here, shirt tassels blowing in the breeze.

As much as I wish that Luke Bryan stayed young forever shaking his hips onstage in a white tee, jeans, and a backwards hat, I understand that everyone must mature and he does cool dad leather jacket black tie just as well. His wife has always looked like a Golden Globe.

What a sassy little piñata jumpsuit!

Obsessed with everything about this dress.

Oh ok, Paula Abdul, I see you.

The only red gown I approved of because she flawlessly matched her lip and also didn’t completely rip off a fictional hooker from the 90’s.

Sara Evans serving a tasteful amount of leg and just the right amount of razzle dazzle.

Really into this coordinated hunter green situation. How very fall of them.

I like that Chris went classic Prince Charming black tux and let his lady shine as Cinderella. 

I legit had to mop up a little drool after seeing this pic. Sure, Riley is Babetown USA regardless of what he’s wearing but he went RIGHT for my weak spot with this oatmeal suit. Every piece of clothing I have purchased in the last 8-10 months has been EXCLUSIVELY oatmeal. I’m going through an earth tones nude phase that I may never find my way out of and Riley absolutely understood the assignment. A classic choice.

This has got to be one of the goofiest poses that a red carpet photographer has ever captured which leads me to believe that this guy ONLY poses with his head cocked to the side like he’s confused and yet also intrigued. This gent is the first ever Golden Bachelor and we needn’t learn his name because he will fade into oblivion as soon as this season wraps up. Gotta give credit where credit is due, this blue suit is a GREAT choice which was his only saving grace from not getting absolutely roasted on my worst dressed.

Morgan Wallen chopped that God-awful mullet (take a hint, Kyle Cooke) and he’s clearly feeling fancy free and funky fresh with this burnt sienna jacket. It’d be even cuter if the mustache got deleted next.

Very into this half and half sparkle. Super flattering and fun without being tacky.

No clue what warranted a HubbHouse appearance at the CMA’s other than the fact that she’s on a full press tour bashing Carl. But I love a girl who is shamelessly doing post-breakup revenge looks. Hubbs spent all of BravoCon last weekend accentuating her assets and this jazzy gown full of cutouts and slits its no different. Eat your heart out, Carl. Less stress. More Life.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

These two are having a real moment in the spotlight right now. Instead of being the bitter bitch that I usually am, I’mma let them have it. WE LOVE LOVE! LET THEM BE IN THEIR LOVE BUBBLE! Kelsea is shoveling dirt over the grave that was her marriage by singing songs with snarky insults to her ex all while she’s gallivanting all over with her new hot piece BF that she got by sliding into his DM’s, John B Chase. She looks amazing, she just crushed her first headlining show in her hometown while he watched in the crowd crying at how beautiful and talented she is, and truthfully every song she’s released in the past year has been catchy as hell. And now that I’m done slobbering over two hot famous people banging, this pink gown and soft old Hollywood glam curls are Chef’s Kiss.