We’re back for another rendition of everything that’s douchey about Hollywood. An elite guest list, a theme, and a red carpet for pretty much no reason. IT’S THE MET BALL, BB’s! And this year we’re sWiTcHiNg things up on The Salty Ju. Instead of doing the classic best and worst dressed list, we’re going to stick it to these b*holes who get invited to this EXCLUSIVE red carpet by Anna Wintour herself and show up wearing whatever the F they want. As someone who dresses exceptionally well for a theme, it really grinds my gears when people blatantly disrespect it and decide they’ll look better in their own thing. So this year, we’re rewarding the rule followers, and honestly this was an eye opening experience as I was sorting, to come to the realization that almost NO ONE adheres to miss Anna’s very specific dress code. Between you and me, Ms. Wintour, I’d be doing a personal door check and bouncing anyone who went rogue. Oh, you want free booze and an A-list gift basket? Read the invite and dress appropriately, homeslice. But I digress. According to Vogue, this year’s theme is: “In America: An Anthology of Fashion,” with the dress code being gilded glamour and white tie. Channeling the time period between 1870 to 1890, the event “will ask its attendees to embody the grandeur—and perhaps the dichotomy—of Gilded Age New York.” Let’s rock n roll with these snobby anti-themers.

WHAT IS A THEME?! I’m FAMOUS!

Kicking things off is Hailey Bieber in the ever popular with her age group, silky slip dress, nips perked. Is she having a very dramatic moment with the feathers and the wind? Sure! Is she on theme? Sure isn’t.

This fair gent is wearing what looks to be a Goodyear on his head. Cars didn’t exist in the Gilded Age. They were still buggying around with horses and shit. I rest my case.

Apparently this woman is an actress in the show entitled “The Gilded Age.” It really can’t get anymore straightforward than that. And yet, she interpreted the theme into THIS. Her hair is very on point. Her gold leafy nudity, not so much.

Dude is so committed to the bit of being a 70’s smooth operator that he spit directly in the face of Anna Wintour by wearing the exact same wrong decade getup that he wore to the Grammys. The disrespect is so real. Take that stupid wig and sing your story walkin, Anderson.

Oh alright, bud! Head to toe peptol bismol! I guess that’d be approps if you were heading to a medicine cabinet themed party. But alas…

He gets famous for wetting the bed back in the 90’s, makes a comeback as the snarkiest Roy sibling and now suddenly he’s got a 2 kewl for school attitude? Get lawst.

I am very perplexed by this getup. It tells about 10 stories in one. Auto shop employee meets mid-century prince dismounting his horse? Did he for reals tuck what looks to be scrubs into riding boots? Don’t answer that. 

This walking octo-condom did not understand the assignment. 

This is what KILLS me. She was the leading charge of the Gilded Age last year. Bridgerton was a hit sensation and she was serving all of the pristine looks (save for those horrific micro bangs) and HERE WE ARE. YOU GET PAID TO WEAR THE PERFECT OUTFITS FOR THIS RED CARPET AND YOU JUST WANTED TO LOOK HOT AND SHOW EVERYONE YOUR BOD, ADMIT IT!

Another common theme I found is that celebrities heard Gilded Age and immediately went, ah yes, Flapper! Cause you know, the 1870-1890 somehow equals 1920. Hand up, I did have to google this because my history knowledge has been edged out by useless pop culture trivia. And apparently the Gilded Age can extend all the way to 1920. So they’re not COMPLETELY wrong. But also, there was a clear time cutoff and it was before the 1900’s, soooo, still no.

Everyone hates you and showing up off theme and wearing F off shades and telling everyone you’re just here to drink MEANS YOU SHOULD NOT BE THERE. Ugh. Don’t get me started on this asshat.

Cute! Love the color coordination. But not gilded.

A sparkly hood! Fun! But off theme AF.

Another flapper.

Get it, you flamenco queen, you! (somewhere else because you can’t follow instructions.)

I’m just gonna wear black and look hot. K, bub.

Beautiful! A spring dream! For any other red carpet but this one.

Vanessa Hudgens has been a real sex machine on the red carpet this past year. She’s looking like a hot tamale but I don’t see how lacy nipz would’ve been acceptable at a time when women weren’t allowed to be in a room alone with a man unless they were married. Just a hunch.

Classic black pantsuit. Totes wouldn’t fly in the corset so tight you can’t sit down days.

Dakota was clearly like I just want to shimmy my tassels all over the carpet in this cool jumpsuit. Shimmy back to the limo.

More nips, more black.

Did Kylie Jenner just invent the type of veil I’ll wear at my wedding should a man ever want to marry a girl who wears a backwards hat at her wedding?! Yeah she really did. Ain’t nothin gilded about that though.

Oh, uh huh. Yep. Eskimo dominatrix for sure. WHAT DID SHE SEE ON THE INVITE TO INVOKE THIS?!

I am too stunned to make a comprehensive snarky comment to this. What on God’s Green Gilded Earth are we looking at here?

Season 2’s Bridgerton darling. Again, babed up a storm during the season, caught herself a foine-ass man with all of her beautifully bright gowns, and felt the need to show us what was hiding underneath those gowns on the red carpet. THE QUEEN WOULD NOT APPROVE.

Peek-a-Boo! It’s another defying the theme look.

WE DID GOTH ALREADY, KARLIE.

Haven’t done dominatrix yet but apparently the Hadid sisters felt that since they’re supermodels, they could just adhere to their own rules.

No. Just no.

 

The “I’ll just wear gold or silver” Crowd

Kim bleached her hair and is wearing one of Marilyn Monroe’s dresses. Oh, honey. Please.

These people aren’t being called out directly because an effort was made. They heard gilded and went literal. And that’s obviously much better than going hot pink tuxedo or plain ole awards gown. So we’re giving them halfsies points. Megan looks fierce as hell in these gilded wings.

I will not award any points to this Tiger King garbage though. Let me make that clear.

Disney star who has pretty much no business being there and she wears a gold bra. BOLD.

We’ve got a Jessica Rabbit in gold moment happening here. Stopping at the choker of cherub wings would’ve been fine.

I realize I said that we’re giving this group half points but that only applies to the “gilded” looks. Anyone who heard the theme and just chose silver or sparkly doesn’t have a brain and that’s obvious. They are not the same. One is silver and the other’s GOLD.

Also this is pastel yellow so nice try and IS KRIS JENNER CHANNELING JACKIE O?! What the hell were Kim and Kris going for here?!

GILDED NIPPLES!

Those waist training days really paid off for the Kardashian clan! This dress is theme-adjacent and out of their whole goon squad who showed up, Khloe nailed it the best.

Bonus points for this looking like the most uncomfortable gown on this planet. Just draped in gold chains. We’re getting warmer, folks.

Lots of regal boob accents at the Met Ball. I imagine double sided tape was working overtime last night. A modern Gilded Age would be AFLUSH with flesh, clearly. (I know, I need to put myself down for a nap.)

I’ve made this reference recently on a red carpet but when you get a head to toe metallic look, you can’t help but think of Zenon’s #1 popstar crush Prota Zoa. Cole’s got everything but the silver spiky hair. Galaxy theme, bruh.

Silver flapper with 70’s flair! But not 1800’s Gilded.

That is a gold-embossed Queen jacket.

Flap-Flap-FLAPPER

She looks stunning and the best of all the Gold beauties!

The Girls Who Get It, Get It (CONGRATS TO THESE THEMESTERS)

Here we are! We’ve made it! We went through nearly 40 blatant theme disrespecters to keep our eye on the prize. Corsets and petticoats and head pieces, oh my! I will say one thing that I know for sure from my vigorous research (binging seasons 1 and 2 of Bridgerton the minute they dropped) nothing screams 1800’s more than knockers literally being pressed up into a woman’s chin. Corsets are great at shutting down that rib cage and creating an unattainable waist to hip ratio, but ALL THAT FLAB GOTTA GO SOMEWHERE AMIRITE?! Did you really tie your midsection so tight you can’t breathe unless your areolas are scraping your eyebrows? No you did not. Well done, Billie.

Lady Whistledown could’ve served a hell of a more accurate outfit than this but at least she outshined her counterparts. WHERE ARE THE DRAMATIC UPDO CURLS?! And the yellow dress?! I’m guessing she never wants to don another yellow dress for as long as she lives. This is edgy LW.

I think I’ve just gotten to the point where I see a head piece and I’m like yeah she’s doing it. That’s the theme even though she kinda just looks like Miss Cleo.

Really didn’t need a full hand pose for his coordinated mani but the double layer jacket has a Prince Charming “may I get a slot on your dance card” babeness to it. Take me for a twirl, Shawn.

The top of this getup looks like something one would wear to bed in the 1800’s so yeah it counts. Turning it into a crop is SO 2022. God I hate this year. Also not for nothing but is she alive? LMK.

Good work Ansel, looking like a straight up castle servant.

CHECK OUT THAT HEADPIECE. That’s it. Nothing about this near cooch slip dress is Gilded. But that frisbee on her head says it all.

Pretty sure she’d be burned at the stake for wearing this back in the day but I LOVE it. She’s rocking that “The British are Coming” bedazzled coat. 

Down with this updated flair on the ole classic. We’ve still got full coverage and a corset but we’re having fun with it, ya know?! Lime green heels, jazzy feathers and diamonds, darling. How Parisian of her.

I think we can all comfortably assume why everyone ignores the theme each year when the host of the damn party barely even follows it. I’ve talked shit on Anna before and I don’t care who knows it. Each year I’ve covered the Met red carpet, I’ve come for Anna. She wears what she wants to wear. Obviously, she’s the top of the chain in fashion…so she can. But don’t throw a theme party every year, make a BFD and then wear the same color palette and style of a dress year after year. TAKE A RISK, ANNA. Technically because she’s wearing a tiara she’s “on theme” but the rest of this is her same old shit. I’m WATCHING YOU ANNA WINTOUR.

I love that she basically took a nightgown and turned it into a showstopper of a dress just by making it lime green.

It’s the fan. I’m telling you props are EVERYTHING. Surprisingly Kacey was the only attendee to be tossing that shade around and that would be the very first thing I purchased if I were attending this event. Cool ass fan and cool ass dome piece. Anyway, the rest of this firework situation is giving me very sixties vibes.

Ok so here’s where I got confused. I saw these next two looks first and immediately assumed the theme was New York City. I guess this falls into the “New York” part of the Gilded Age which no one else seemed to tackle. Alicia Keys with the NY skyline on her cape is such a badass move and I’d be swishing that cape all over the joint.

My queen. My first girl crush. And I guess Ryan too, whatever. Blake explained the back story to her look and I literally lost track of all the NYC references it has. She’s got the statue of Liberty and Empire State Building and she lost me when she started describing how the number of diamonds in her crown reflected the continents or some shit. Either way, it was obviously very meticulously designed and she looks like Miss New York. I’m obsessed. (This doesn’t take much as she posted a photo of herself wearing overalls a week ago and captioned it “Overall…it was a good day” and I was first and foremost mad at myself for never captioning one of my overall pics with that clever play on words and secondly it further confirmed that she is my soulmate.)

A wet dream for Carrie Bradshaw, an event where headpieces are the most welcome. Let us all have a moment of silence for the bird from her original wedding where she got abandoned at the altar. Carrie invented fabulous headwear and yes I KNOW that SJP and Carrie aren’t the same person but I’ve been watching a lot of SATC and just let me have this moment, ok? And just like that, I learned, the higher the hat, the closer to the Empire State Building. Ok, I’m done. I’m putting myself in timeout.

Morticia and Gomez over here are giving me the willies but technically I guess they’re following the rules even though it’s nightmare fuel.

A table top skirt and bonus points for originality because she’s the only one who tackled a shapely gown. I’m sure she immediately regretted it after reaching the end of the red carpet and not being able to sit down but FASHION IS PAIN.

This dress is making curtains and tablecloths look chic as hell. 

If mansion wallpaper were a dress. Love it so much.

A chair of the evening, and Mister NY himself via Hamilton, Lin played it safe and kept it very on theme with this Gilded formalwear.

 

And that’s all she wrote, folks. No best dressed award of the evening because it’s not a fair fight when 90% of the attendees just pick something out of their closet the day of. Maybe if Anna led by example and we got a little bit more crackdown of outfit judging at the entry points, people would take this seriously. Even though May is the month of ME, I’m willing to take some time off and zip on a train down to the city next year to help out with this. I’ve got a mean resting bitch face and I won’t have any problem telling celebs to march on back to their penthouse and throw on something more appropriate or I’ll take all of the photographers off of the red carpet for them SO HA.