My seasonal sads have hit an all-time high. Bad news for me, great news for all of you because I’m about to download every piece of entertainment I’ve consumed in my several weeks of couch rotting. If you have a well-rounded work and social life, and therefore don’t have time to keep up with all of the streaming services releasing movies and series each week, I GOTCHU. I’ll give you a brief (as brief as I can be) description of each title and why you should or should not waste your time and then you can make your own decisions like a grown-up. I am simply the messenger. And the harshest of critics, obviously.
SKIP
Torching 2024: A Roast of the Year – Netflix
They let Roastmaster Jeff Ross gather up his gang of buddies and do a roast of the Year 2024 on Netflix. It was incredibly bad. Save yourself from this random collection of comedians making mid jokes about people we’re already tired of hearing about. Netflix tried to ride that Brady roast magic with like 1/4 of the talent, and it showed. Extra cringe for comedian Tim Dillon doing an entire bit as the dead healthcare CEO. You know, the one who was brutally murdered in broad daylight and everyone was like good for that babe soda who offed him, hope he gets away with it because his mugshot ate and left no crumbs. Our society is so f*cked.
Paris & Nicole: The Encore – Peacock
It pains my sweet, sweet, nostalgic millennial heart to declare this a fail but holy crap it was. I cannot even begin to describe what a canon event of my youth it was to watch Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton not only create reality TV, but interact with poors on camera. When I heard the promos that they were making a comeback as adults, I was foaming at the mouth to see what they’d cook up. Nothing. The answer is nothing. They did way too many episodes with 0 storyline. The “premise” was that they wanted to create an opera based on their made-up song Sanasa. Getting through this and not wanting to blow my brains out every time they sang Sanasa (9 million times) was honestly a Christmas miracle. Guess I’ll go back to getting my Hilton fix through Kathy driving around Bev Hills in a bucket hat to invite the ladies on a girls trip via suitcase.
It Ends With Us – Netflix
If you’re wondering what the movie that has created the MOST controversy amongst its cast was like, the answer is a swift BAD. Would they have needed to make this much of a stink if this movie was actually good? Probs not. I’ll preface this review by saying I read both books, so I wasn’t going in blind to the story. If you’re not as well-read as me (you uncultured swine), you might possibly still be able to stomach this movie. But from someone who knew the story, this movie did not do it justice. Here are my biggest gripes: 1. As with most books turned into movies, they had no time to include all of the details. This felt like the story was set to Fast Forward. As a viewer, I had no time to process anything that was happening because we were just zooming through things that needed to simmer or be explained. I felt like half the movie was montages. 2. What the ACTUAL HELL WAS WARDROBE THINKING?! I have never in my life seen a more horrific collection of outfits than I did with Blake’s character Lily. Her hair was MASSIVE. Like comically big for a white woman. And for whatever reason (with no attachment to what her character was actually like) she dressed like a bag lady sponsored by Carhartt. She’d have on a crop and weird baggy pants and then drop an oversized men’s khaki Carhartt over the top. Each outfit was more horrific than the last and honestly I may never recover from what my eyes were subjected to.
Your Friend, Nate Bargatze – Netflix
Nate is one of my favorite comedians and I do give extra credit to comedians who consistently come up with funny, CLEAN material. This is his 4th special and gotta be honest, it fell kinda flat for me. Obviously there were still moments where I laughed, but I definitely remember laughing more in his other Netflix specials (and his one on Amazon.) Comedy is subjective, and as far as comedians go, Nate is a great pick for standups that are widely appreciated and family friendly, so I’ll leave it up to you if you want to check it out, but also maybe just hit them all up. Do a quadruple feature of Nate whenever you’re in need of the HaHa’s.
Carry On-Netflix
Ok so this movie wasn’t BAD, it was just too damn stressful for me. I don’t think my heart stopped racing until a full hour after it ended. So, not really the top pick for when you want to unwind after a stressful Christmas and just rot mindlessly on the couch. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Jason Bateman is the GOAT of using sarcasm perfectly even in a role where he’s basically a terrorist. My dude can make any character likeable. Other than that, we’ve got a real mod podge of kinda shitty actors rounding out the cast. Definitely lots of suspending belief in this high-paced thriller, but again, if you’d like to check if your ticker still works, give this one a go. Also, don’t watch if you already have anxiety about flying…cause this will FOR SURE ratchet that up another notch.
Laid – Peacock
This is a new original dark comedy series on Peacock and so far there’s just one season, 8 episodes. It’s one of those shows where the lead is messy and you’re supposed to root for her anyway. I didn’t. I wanted bad shit to keep happening to her narcissistic ass. The series follows Ruby as she quickly learns that her exes are all dying and her bestie teams up with her to find out why. Girl has a body count higher than Britani’s hair suggests. This joke will only land with viewers of Real Housewives of SLC, and yet I still needed to make it. It honestly got hard to watch someone who sucks so bad, somehow have landed that many men and continue to reel in even more hotties. Of course season 1 ended on a cliffhanger and for a second I debated getting sucked in whenever it eventually gets renewed. BUT NO. I will stand strong.
Girls Gone Wild: The Untold Story – Peacock
We all know what Girls Gone Wild is. Some of you pervs know better than others. This is a three part series breaking down the rise of Girls Gone Wild and the downfall of Joe Francis, who has been hiding out in Mexico for like 5 years now. I got excited when it declared that Joe Francis himself agreed to be interviewed for this doc, until in the first few minutes they shared that he only allowed audio recording and a few pictures. Um, why are we making visual content out of an audio interview? RELEASE IT AS A PODCAST, DUMMIES. I have very little patience for documentaries that don’t have anything for my eyes to consume. This happens a lot with true crime docs as they physically don’t have footage of what they’re talking about half the time and being forced to look at the same pictures, scenic shots, or even worse, REENACTMENTS is truly a punishment for viewers. They were able to add in interviews with other people and of course, a whole bunch of girlies flashing their blurred titties to cover the fact that they couldn’t show the man actually talking, but it definitely got irritating. I definitely don’t think this is must-watch material. If you’d like the quick and dirty summary of the message it’s this: Joe Francis is a piece of shit, and also a pathological liar. Pretty much all of the girls who participated in his porn were coerced to do so, and a very large sampling of them were underaged. He traumatized too many women to count and also believes he is in fact, the victim.
Sweethearts – Max
I fell for this one. It was the ole bait & switch trailer. I laughed a few times at the trailer and it seemed like this was a story about two besties ditching their high school partners for each other. About 30 minutes into this flick, I realized I was sold a bag of shit and that’s not at all what the movie was about and also it was terribly unfunny. It was a cross between a movie that takes place all in one night with a bunch of stupid hijinks that derail them (not at all what was advertised) and like a heavy “it’s ok to be gay” coming out storyline with a character that was briefly in the trailer. Total bomb. Which is a bummer because y’all know how I like a teen flick. Two thumbs down.
Martha – Netflix
We’re going back to Oct for this one, and I did actually enjoy it, but I also felt like it was kind of boring. For people who aren’t used to watching docs or aren’t actually interested in Martha Stewart’s story, this can definitely be skipped. I grew up in prison-era Martha and that’s why I found it interesting. I never knew how she got started and it was very cool to see that she was literally being an influencer in the 90’s. Homegirl paved the way for these lil hoochies selling a lifestyle on Instagram. I also am always fascinated by people who can evolve their careers like she did post-scandal. Her attending Bieber’s roast and having a whole second life of her career with Snoop Dogg was kind of a happy accident. She didn’t realize that roasts poke fun at the roasters as well and kind of went in blind and still killed it. Then she got a contact high from Snoop and became besties with him. Martha is a dry, monotone icon and naturally she created this doc so there wasn’t going to be anything scandalous revealed as she’s still going to tell her story as if it was perfectly perfect. Also, we may never know if she actually got an illegal stock tip but I’m choosing to believe she was framed because she was like the richest woman in biz at that time and everyone was foaming at the mouth to see her fall.
WATCH
Shrinking Season 2 – Apple TV
Shrinking dropped season 2 this fall and if you’re not already watching it, get on board and catch up. It’s about a bunch of therapists and their group of friends who are all nuts in their own lovable ways. There’s a million things I love about this show, so I’m going to list some of them. It normalizes therapy, teaching some of the common practices that therapists use, showing great communication, while at the same time shining the light that therapists are JUST as messy as their patients. It’s a phenomenal model of unconditional love and accepting people for who they are, while also lovingly pushing them to be better people. It has that thing that I’m ALWAYS jealous of in shows where a circle of best friends becomes family because I’ve certainly never had that happen in real life, so I enjoy watching it green with envy. It dives into the complexity of grief and all of the different ways people cope with losing someone. And lastly, it’s equal parts funny and gut-wrenching. After finishing season 2 in one day (mostly because I’m cheap and refused to get Apple again so I just used a free weekend to catch up on this gem) I can honestly say I cried just as much as I laughed. And I think each character made me do both. That’s range, baby. And I’m putting it out into the universe that I want a Derek.
Missing You – Netflix
Netflix’s latest adaptation of a Harlan Coben novel, these series are very watch, rinse, repeat detective dramas. I mean, they even use the same British ambiguously hot and mysterious actor in each series. So I’d like to get ahead of the haters and say that the quality of this one is pretty subpar, think Lifetime movie on Netflix, but for me, personally, it scratched my lil thriller itch. Each time I go to the library I take out a chick lit book where two friends fake a marriage and fall in love, and a book with a dark cover titled some variation of The Woman Upstairs. I think you get my point, I like a little trash here and there and this was intriguing enough that I finished it in one sitting. Shocking, I know. If you’d like to watch a detective find out who killed her cop dad while simultaneously trying to solve a couple missing persons cases, and also don’t get squeamish at people literally being held as prisoners in horse stalls on a creepy farm, then you will also whip through this bad boy.
No Good Deed – Netflix
A fun mixture of comedy and whodunnit, this one surprised me. Once you get past all of the weird artistic ‘through the pipes’ shots that they keep shoving down your throats, I guess to unsettle the viewer, you can enjoy this multi-story shitshow. This is a loaded cast and it was fun to bounce around to all the different storylines and see how they all intersected in the end. 8 episodes long, it unravels a family trauma that occurred to main couple Paul and Lydia as they put their house on the market and a bunch of other couples sniff around trying to buy it. Another show that had me both tearing up and giggling. We love an emotional rollercoaster. s/o to Linda Cardellini for putting a clinic on shoving her rock hard boobs into every situation in this show.
I’m Tim – Netflix
Spoiler alert: world famous DJ and producer Avicii died in 2018. So please go into this doc knowing that it does not have a happy ending. Unfortunately, he joined the 28 club and although it’s not the main focus of the story they told, he did struggle with addiction and in the end took his own life. Now I’m going to make this doc about me, as I’m known to do. I was there for the rise of Avicii and boy was it a magical time. His music was upbeat catchy electronic pop and coincided perfectly with my college partying years. Although I was VERY fuzzy on the deets at the time, Levels got big around my junior year of college and you couldn’t go to a party or a bar without that song bringing the house down. I went to an actual rave called the Barstool Blackout, and took the term blackout quite literally, but I still know that I moshed my face off in a sea of neon to the beat dropping on Levels. It looked kinda like this.
Ok, now for everyone over the age of 35, here’s why this was a cool doc: it explains a genre of music that I’ve never understood. People who mix sounds or make beats and tour as DJ’s is a real lost art to me. I’m super judgmental and I’m not afraid to admit I’ve scoffed at people getting paid tons of money to push buttons on a laptop. This doc had a TON of behind the scenes footage of Avicii working and it turns out he was a legit musical genius. It showed how he created a song and then when his sound evolved to include more live music and collaborations, you got to see him working with some of the biggest names in music and everyone was blown away by his talent. He was one of those freaks who could just picture songs in his head and know what worked and what made music sound good. And that for me, was very interesting to watch. So even if you’re a DJ hater like me, if you like music and are intrigued by the process of making music, watch Avicii get in the lab and COOK. Now excuse me while I smash play on my Avicii spotify playlist and relive my glory days of Jersey turnpikin at the clerb.
English Teacher – FX/Hulu
There have been a few wacky series through the years about teachers, one of them literally being called teachers, and I eat that shit up. People who spend every day with children? Friggin saints. So I very much appreciate any series that shows the sarcastic, wild side of teachers. Bonus points for portraying teachers around my age making fun of the youths these days and their stupid phrases. Anyway, the show follows openly gay Evan and his group of teacher besties in Texas. Sure, political stuff gets addressed but in an entertaining and fun way. My favorite part has nothing to do with the show at all but I’ll enlighten all of you TikTok virgins on the lore. Brian Jordan Alvarez is the creator & lead of the show and in order to promote it in the fall, he did one stupid TikTok dance trend that’s actually audio from Gilmore Girls, and then he kept doing it. And then never stopped. For literally every day since this show hit Hulu, Brian Jordan Alvarez has been doing the “I love your daughter” dance and people (me included) watch every single one. All the girlies wish he was straight every time he lifts that leg for “good lovin daily.” (There are currently 82 of these videos, which could make for a real wild Friday night for a single gal. I’m not here to judge. You’re welcome.)
Glitter and Greed: The Lisa Frank Documentary – Amazon Prime
This is for my fellow 90’s girlies who Lisa Frank’s rainbow dolphins and leopards had an absolute chokehold over. Not to spoil it but Lisa Frank is a total dick. Only watch this 4 part doc if you’re willing to let your childhood crumble before your very eyes. Lisa refused to participate, and from what it sounds like, she’ll probably end up suing whoever made this because that’s her favorite pastime. Sure, every doc has a bias and you take all the information presented with a grain of salt (I never do, I believe whatever viewpoint is presented to me) but when you have your own son saying how awful you are, as well as all of your former employees and also some people you’ve bankrupted as business partners? Probs true. Should’ve realized what kind of monster ran our childhood back in 2021 when my sister and I discovered the Lisa Frank website is still up and running and sells subpar merch at high end designer prices. Also, not for nothing, but people who refuse to be photographed are shady as hell. BIG RED FLAG.
https://x.com/TheSaltyJu/status/1414770014822060034
The Comeback: 2004 Boston Red Sox – Netflix
Also going back to the fall for this one but I loved this doc. I’m not a Red Sox fan and I was a fairweather Yankee fan throughout my childhood because, Jeets, duh. Once he retired it was like who even cares if I can’t peep Cap’s thicc baseball booty getting into a nice squat to scoop up a grounder. Obv I was aware of the Red Sox curse and big Yanks/Sox rivalry and I did live in Boston for a brief period of time, but I wasn’t locked in during their comeback and I definitely didn’t know deets. So this was all brand new information for me and I got to watch it on the edge of my seat. The Sox had some real characters on the ’04 team and I loved hearing their accounts, PLUS watching a bunch of grown baseball players pointedly throw balls at each other and literally have full-on brawls on the field was epic. God, baseball has gotten so soft. I can say that because I’m such a hardcore baseball fan now. Anyway, if you enjoy romanticizing the game of baseball, this was an awesome representation of a real Cinderella story. Kinda lame as shit that neither A-Rod or Jeets were willing to participate because hearing their loser point of views would’ve been AWESOME.
Juror # 2 – Max
Right at the buzzer, banged this one out last night. A juror is on trial for a murder and realizes he actually was the one who killed the girl in a hit and run that he swore was a deer. This is a Clint Eastwood flick, so you know it’s legit and also will that man ever stop working?! HE IS 94 YEARS OLD. Damn. Anyway, it was a good story and shows you all of the dualities of people and a real moral struggle of doing the right thing or doing the easy thing by tossing a guy with a neck tattoo in the slammer for a crime he def didn’t commit. Anytime I watch any sort of fictional jury sitch, it further confirms that putting 12 strangers in a room together to decide someone’s fate is legit a socially anxious girlie’s NIGHTMARE. They always end up coming at each other and if I’m ever called for jury duty (I just knocked wood that they’ll never pin me down) I will definitely crap my pants.
Mr. McMahon – Netflix
Listen, if there’s a 90’s pop culture doc, I’m gonna get all up IN IT. I’m a female, and was raised in a house where the female ratio was 4:1 so I think it’s clear I never saw a damn second of WWF/WWE growing up. On the other hand, I dated a boy (humblebrag) who was raised in a house where the male ratio was 6:1 and he used to regale me with tales of clearing out the living room and suplexing the shit out of his brothers. So I definitely understand the influence of wrestling in our younger years, but I missed the boat on learning about it because I was raised on Mister Rogers and that clown doing stretches on The Big Comfy Couch. That’s why I try to watch catch docs on former wrestlers and was very intrigued to see what the man who created it all had to say for himself. Well, shocking to no one, a white man with lots of power and money who built an entire empire, was, indeed, problematic (to say the least.)
Before this documentary was even released, Vince finally got forced out of the WWE because of all the assault lawsuits he had been collecting through the years. Since he’s interviewed and involved with this doc, that topic is heavily hinted at, but it’s not a big takedown, per say. It’s SUPER long, so don’t commit unless you’re a fiend for gossip like I am, but as someone who never knew the WWE world, I found it incredibly fascinating. The characters, the storylines, the SHIT THEY GOT AWAY WITH PUTTING ON TELEVISION. I mean, people literally died in the arena and then they just continued with the show. Vince’s family were all involved and the horrifying storylines they played out for entertainment, my God would a therapist have a field day with this fam. I couldn’t look away. And the attitude era?! Shit, the 90’s were cool.
My Old Ass – Amazon Prime
This movie hit me right in the feels and I am not ashamed to say I cried. Probably a little too hard, but proud to reveal that I cry less often now so letting it rip in the sad part of a movie is so emotionally mature of me, honestly. On Elliott’s 18th birthday, she gets super high and manages to meet her 39 year old self, who then becomes her guide to her last summer at home before moving away for college. To get ahead of it, I’ve famously shit on movies that rely heavily on drug/hallucination scenes. I’m not a fan of watching other people trip balls, and I especially hate it when they show us what they’re seeing and I’m just a regular square sitting on my couch watching a screen full of distorted voices and colors. I don’t do drugs for a reason, don’t make me enter an alternate reality with none of the good feelings. Now that I’ve gotten that gripe out, I will say there’s minimal tripping scenes, and one of them is pure Justin Bieber comedy, so it was tastefully done. They obviously just needed a vehicle to bring together future and present without making it seem like Disney magic.
The message of this movie is deep as hell and I urge everyone to give it a whirl. It’s the age old question of if you could, would you want to go back in time and do things differently? We always see our younger selves as being dumb and naive, but the way this story spun that theory and made you think maybe having those qualities are what makes us able to be free and fearless and live life to the fullest was so precious to watch. See? Poetic. And I didn’t even have to eat shrooms to get all that out of this movie. This movie was a great reminder to cherish time with people you love and live in the moment. It also made me feel less sad about still being single because future Elliott was 39 and still didn’t have a mans! If I visited younger Ju in a Four Loko drunken haze at Marist College, I’d tell her to do everything exactly the same because I’m a famous writer now. Hey, I heard that! Being published on the internet makes you famous, duh. 🙄
The Salty Ju 