And with that the 2026 awards season comes to an end. Goodnight. (read it in TikTok guy’s voice or GET LAWST.)

This awards season was especially brutal for me, as it seems I have aged out of enjoying a gathering of celebrities. JK, I haven’t aged out of it, I just don’t find anything entertaining about a bunch of rich privileged people who are MOST DEF in a cult, commenting on politics and giving lengthy speeches about their plights as Americans. Hate to say it because it will most certainly be the end of an era, but I believe the year of our Lord 2026 will be the last one for me tuning into awards szn. I’ve been watching and yapping about them for as long as I can remember but they have become unwatchable. I turned off the Oscars after 2 full hours of not even cracking a smile and I think it’s time to call curtains.

WORST

This is a lace swaddle.

The equivalent of dusty curtains drawn in the parlor.

As my mom said “at least she’s covered up.” She voted for her to make the best cut. But that’s now how The Salty Ju rolls. I said uh, uh honey, the tassel overload is giving me the heebie jeebies. Skunks are not fashion. This is the only skunk I’ll ever think is cute. (IYKYK)

Layer cake dresses have gots to GO. Unrelated, I’ve GOTTA see what their kids look like.

Also falling into the category of things that must be dismissed from this earth: Leo’s mustache. Gross, dude. Get rid of it.

I’m noticing there’s a lot of black and white on the red carpet. What’s black and white and red all over? I don’t know but this gown look sloppy as hell. Ain’t doing her any favors.

Immediately no.

Is that a sash like she’s in a pageant? Draped loosely across both her nipples and her side butt. It’s the ACADEMY AWARDS, honey. Not a good enough excuse to have your buhhole flapping in the breeze.

Dude. Are you a black belt in lookin like a clown? WTF is that NBA logo chain.

I hate this spicy breast bone flower and I am not a card-carrying member of the Pedro Pascal panty-soakers Union.

Stunned when I realized these two are married. Ya learn something new every day. But homegirl’s jacket makes me wanna beat her with a wooden stick. GET IT?! Cause she’s a piñata.

Snoozy Suzy. A fit that needs something else. Either funky hair, a big jewel, a pop of color, SOMETHIN.

SQUAWK.Demi want a cracker!

White is not forgiving for this skin tone and I’m saying this friend to a friend and not throwing shade from someone who has OFTEN said I’m 9000% uglier without a tan. Some people cannot/do not wish to sizzle their skin and for sure end up with cancer in 5-10 years and that’s OK. But those people should also not wear a bright white poofy bridal gown. Would love her in a maroon.

I see my cake layer dress comment from above and raise split sleeves.

Timbo looks super punchable and I will not be taking further questions at this time.

Conan was the definition of unfunny as a host. During his monologue my mom and I stared at the TV screen like this:

Should that affect how I judge his red carpet look? No, but I don’t follow the rules and that’s pretty obvious. You know what was funnier than any square, safe joke he told? His wife trying to steal the spotlight with this “chains and whips excite me” boobs out dress. Get it, grl.

Eh, could really go either way here but I’m not disgusted or wow’ed so she’s kind of in between. She’s had way better looks and the mermaid bottom never does it for me.

BEST

Another toss-up that I let my mom vote on and she said she likes her hair with the dress. S/O Cin for making a celebrity guest appearance on the red carpet blog and helping me make the hard-hitting decisions. I really like these rhinestones. They look like raindrops.

Chris Evans is a babe soda, I feel like we haven’t seen him in a minute (since his d*ck p*c scandal) and he’s wearing cool guy sunnies, which makes him infinitely hotter. Missed you, boo. That’s his wife on his arm, but that’s neither here nor there.

I don’t have a boner for Ethan Hawke like I so obviously do with Chris, but the sunglasses and tuxedo combo made me do a double take fo sho.

Beautiful princess! A big ole gown moment and the top half fits her like a damn glove. I haven’t pooped in a week and I look like I’m in the third term of my pregnancy so I’m mostly just in awe that anyone would be that snatched to fit into a corset bodice. I’m also about to go on vacation. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, but also a moment of silence for my GI probz would be appropriate at this time.

I LOVE this jacket and Chase is lookin FOINE.

I can’t tell if that collar is fur but the blue is a phenomenal choice and I appreciate an F off long jacket like this.

Butter yellow is THE moment this spring. Gr8 color choice for her complexion.

Another color choice gone RIGHT.

Wish I could’ve borrowed this sparkly lil Galway Girl number to wear to the bar on Tuesday while I do an Irish Car Bomb. A jewel tone beauty.

The post-divorce glow is still glowing.

Oh OK show us that chain, BB!

Kristen Wiig lookin like a bang piece again all bronzed up and in brown. I’ll have what she’s having. No, srsly, if I don’t come back from my vacation with a tan I will jump off a cliff.

Keeping our espresso martini lewks together in honor of the made up holiday celebrating the best drink ever invented.

There’s a time and a place for big ole rich people gloves and presenting at the Oscars with Anna Wintour is it.

I always hated red and pink together but this is tickling me elmo pink I LIKE IT, OK?!

GAWGEOUS.

B2B simple but stunning gowns.

Adorbs that she brought mama Goldie as her date and I’m obsessed with this mint twinkle. Fit is phenomenal, the icing is perfect, and mermaid waves are flawless. She dressed to impress for her first Oscar nom.