We’re almost through with awards season…and winter, God willing. The SAG’s are typically skipped by the gen pop who doesn’t need another opportunity to listen to the richies of Hollywood wax poetic about why they love being an actor. But they finally moved them to Sunday night on Netflix and let’s be real, we don’t have anything else to do on Sunday nights. I had a 4pm dinner reservation with the olds, carbo-loaded and had an hour to kill before the red carpet even started. If this is what it’s like to be 85, I’m there, baby. Can’t wait. This weekend I went on a mission to find a pair of jeans that fit me, and the result was me buying a pair of elastic waist pleather joggers and WHO NEEDS BUTTONS anymore?! I wore them out on the town last night and demanded my mom take a solo shot of me WERKIN them. Best dressed, AMIRITE?!

Here’s what everyone else wore. It goes without saying that they’ll never look as good as me wearing glorified loungewear on a Saturday night at a swanky cocktail bar.

Pick a style, sleeve or sleeveless. Don’t pull this cop-out one sleeve, one bare arm nonsense.

I’m all in on this silver Chinese finger trap lookin concoction. She’s serving this party city streamer neckline so hard I can’t help but respect it.

The pop of red with her lips and nails makes this as spicy as her Taco Bell sponsored proposal.

My kneejerk reaction is how young this look is. I feel like she’s going to prom, but she JUST turned 21 so honestly, it tracks. She’s just wearing what the youths wear, probably from Shein.

DIE AWAY FROM ME PEPLUM.

I know you’re sick of me complaining about this but she’s GOTTA wear a different shade of pink. This pale pink is washing her completely out. I like the dress style and I think the flowers are pretty but I cannot look at another red carpet appearance by her looking like she checked herself out of the hospital against the Dr’s wishes to be there.

Clearly this was the color of the night, which I very much don’t approve of, but what’s the hot tip you give your hair girl to get this monstrosity? I want you to make it look like I glued my hair to cover half of my face. Make me look like I’m wearing a bonnet made of sleek hair. Give me the Buzz Lightyear special.

Oh my damn this is bad. It’s belly dancer meets boardroom. Wanna class up your chest and belly chain of rhinestones? Just add a collar! Exquisite.

This look is money as hell. A bowtie AND a scarf?! He has many leather-bound books and his house smells of rich mahogany.

Abby Elliott is my style twin. I love everything she wears. She’s not afraid to rock a pastel and a girl after my own heart she matches all her accessories precisely! Brings a tear to my eye.

Ooohh this dress is like smooth chrome. I wanna touch it.

Keri always looks stunning but for the love of God stop PINNING A GIANT FLOWER ON DRESSES.

The pattern of this dress looks like worms. But that’s not what I want to discuss here. I want to discuss the fact that Jane Fonda was the first star to do a red carpet interview and I genuinely thought her batteries died mid-interview. Obviously as all red carpet “emcees” go, they’re essentially braindead and all they do is call women queens and tell them they slay and slobber all over them. But this chooch asked 2-3 legit questions and Jane short-circuited and stared at her with her mouth agape each time she was expected to answer. Yet when she accepted the life achievement award, she was able to give a VERY lengthy boring speech reading from a teleprompter. Is Jane Fonda a robot who needed to get plugged in and powered up for the show? You heard it here first.

This is the only way I will accept this color. Silk tuxedo jammy style.

These two are wearing the same dress and you cannot convince me otherwise. Ya smooch the same guy one time and now ya gotta twin at awards show?!

Sick doily.

Very appropos for a Showgirl nom. Give us a shimmy, guuuurrrrrllll.

I was into the glitter flowers but when I scanned down to those boots, OOoooHHHEEEE. I need me a pair of gold boots.

Obsessed with this. I need a mint Marvelous Mrs. Maisel fit IMMEDIATELY. The leather gloves give it a real bad grrl edge.

No. Get this the hell out of my face forever.

Neon green, a bolo, and a leather suit are all choices and none of them are good ones.

Poop suits unite! No but seriously though I hate a brown suit and both of these babes are pulling it off.

Big leather guy over here (did I mention I am the proud new owner of clearance leather joggers?) but this little shelf thing happening at her hips is a peplum in disguise. GET RID OF IT.

J.A.W. clearly watched Kendrick saunter all over the football field in those bootcut jeans and said, me too. Gimme a little flare.

SLEEK

This looks like a watercolor and I’m very mesmerized by it. Supes prettz.

This is so hideous and he’s a walking velvet booger, but also the way that jacket is tied is also giving Karate class. He’s about to HI-YA his way right out of your nose.

Two words: Chunky Platforms. I feel like we’re back in the Steve Madden era and I don’t like it one bit.

💃💃💃

I didn’t expect to like this calf-length coat but it’s fierce as shit. It’s like am I going to a funeral or am I going to walk a red carpet? Am I hiding an assault rifle in here or am I just a theater kid with a flair for the dramatics?No one will ever know.

A mermaid IRL.

I’m obsessed with the color periwinkle but how did we go from Kenny’s bootcut halftime moment to full blown JNCO’s? That escalated so quickly. And not for nothing but I’ve been on the hunt for a pair of jeans that fit me and you know what makes an already terrible shopping experience of finding pants that will button EVEN WORSE? NOT KNOWING WHAT THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR JEANS SHOULD BE DOING. Skinny? Straight? Stovepipe? Slim? Bootcut? Flare? Baggy? Barrel? Ankle? WHAT ARE WE DOING WITH JEANS THESE DAYS?! PICK ONE STYLE. JUST ONE. AND LET IT BE IN STYLE FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.

Oh shit, Ray-J, she’s been bringing the heat and the rack this awards season. Ok, girl. I see you.

Immediately no. Why this homeslice lookin like he’s gonna cut you up into pieces in his basement? Nightmares.

This is the best I’ve seen Kathy Bates looking since she clearly went on the zempic diet and are those gym sneaks she’s rockin downtown? Keep it comfy, booboo.

Ope look at that now we’ve got Karate Kid Part 2!

This is a female tuxedo look I can get behind. Enough of the ties and baggy 90’s suits on ladies. Cinch a cummerbund around your snatched waist and toss on a stack of pearls to class up your menswear.

I do love a plaid moment even though it’s not Christmas.

This blue is SO eye-catching and fun and makes her blonde stand out!

The skinny scarf trend of the early aughts has made its way to the men. Yikes. Let’s not and say we did.

I’ve never been happier to close out a red carpet so I can stop seeing this awful flesh-tone on a bunch of pasty ladies. WEAR A BRIGHT COLOR SO YOUR SKIN DOES NOT MATCH YOUR DRESS, BB’S.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO A SOFT PINK! Dark hair, dark skin, and this color looks a bajillion times better. I said out loud as soon as I saw Kerry, “shining, shimmering, splendid.” And I meant it. This is my favorite look of the night and it ain’t even close. It’s fairy princess fun and glam, her hair completely matches the sleek retro vibe, and this is how you take a color of the moment and make it memorable.