I don’t know if it was because this awards show was rescheduled twice or because it’s on cable or because it doesn’t really matter, but everyone SURE dressed like dumpster soup! In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that the men all looked stunning and the women all looked like they got dressed in the dark. #Feminism. No but seriously, I gotta calls it like I sees it. Kanye’s slave, oop, I mean wife, who showed up fully nude to the Grammys looked better than this ragtag crew. So in light of the fact that I gasped at half of these looks, I will most certainly not be dividing it up into categories. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Here’s my Kacey Musgraves bohemian cowgirl inspired lewk that I wore to therapy after the Grammys this week. It didn’t receive rave reviews but my dog couldn’t take her eyes off me and that’s really all that matters. (Definitely didn’t have to do with the fact that she needed a walk and I was busy taking mirror selfies.)

Now onto the toxic sludge leftovers that draped celebrities for a Friday night awards ceremony hosted by Chelsea Handler on E!

Is homegirl just matching her gowns to her skintone to her hair this awards season? Cause she’s 2/2 and I’m baffled by this. Just like I KNOW I said 1000 times in last year’s Barbie era…if you are nominated for a character that is a very bold, and COLOR CODED character with a distinct wardrobe, why are you not shoving that down our throats in your red carpet fits? I expected GUHlinda the good witch to be slamming pink all up in our bubbles. Not showing up in what I imagine lives at the bottom of a pond in the winter.

Oh great! Did we all send out a memo that said “everyone must wear mud!” Cause holy shit what an unflattering skin tone we’ve chosen to coordinate in. The Granny’s lace isn’t helping matters either.

Miami Vice/Wolf of Wall Street/what my dad wore to church in the 90’s ain’t it. We can’t be out here wearing baggy menswear and calling it fashion. Or even if she’s making a political statement like if I dress like a leading man from 1984, will you pay me like one? Whatever the motive is, it’s not a good enough reason to wear this goofy ass suit.

Leighton got the mud memo but added a little sparkle to it. I’m deeply saddened by her bangs but at least the dress style/shape hits. Adam really doesn’t need to do much to look like a damn snack.

I don’t think I need to reshare my toga party pic from the Globes, but this is wrap yourself in a bedsheet rough. Rougher actually, because it’s like she just wrapped herself in 5 different bedsheets. Or dug around the bottom of her hamper and sewed whatever was there together and dropped it over her head. SO Sustainable Chic.

How Nancy Reagan of her. Considering the sea of bad looks she’s floating in, I don’t aggressively hate it. But obviously it does not match the energy you want to bring to the function that is a knock-off awards show.

Back to back politically conservative styles. You know I can easily be swayed by a razzle.

I LOVE this light grey and I love it even more paired with crisp white kicks.

What a total snooze cruise. As my personal heroes, MK&A said in critically acclaimed flick Passport to Paris.

PEPLUM.

Oh, ok you little Valentine’s sweet treat, you!

Again, given the circumstances, I’m willing to jive with this Grecian Goddess cosplay when normally I’d be like alright, that’s enough. Mostly because I’ve always wanted to be able to pull off the wraparound braid like that without looking like a total goon.

Kinda brought the men’s average down with this mixed media poop suit.

Another “trend” that I’m very vocal about hating… the structured dress. I’m sorry if you don’t have child-bearing hips as I do, but creating them via a gown just looks absolutely ridiculous.

This is tacky as heck. I mean congrats on the perky thangs, but the style of this dress, color, and weird bolero sitch happening at the shoulders is ick.

I won’t even hate on the Wednesday Addams dupe because she’s serving it so well. As the kidz these days say: she ate and left no crumbs.

Kinda bridal shower-y but I like the fun pumps and she looks snatched.

Very classy and elegant. Almost too? Save this for the Grammys or Oscars, BB!

I know TikTok has ruined my brain because all that played in my head when I saw this was the high-pitched “oh no, oh no, ohNoOhNOOHNO” sound from the Tok. We can’t let this app get banned because how will I reference trending sounds from 4 years ago?! Forrealz though what the hell am I looking at? I sewed my own gym bag in Home Ec one year, got blood all over it from sticking myself with the needle and it still turned out better than whatever this sewing project is.

Hot damn I love a maroon moment.

SMG does look glowing if I do say so myself but I do strongly dislike a giant flower tacked onto a dress.

See what I mean? The men BROUGHT IT. What a dreamboat in this grey/green tone.

Who needs a piñata for a funeral?! Look no further.

PUT THE GLASSES ON MPG!!! I melted a little when I saw Zack Morris looking this FOINE on my TV screen and actually wearing the glasses instead of holding them as a prop would’ve been a total panty soaker.

I’ll say this, putting that knob in between her yabbos worked because my eye was immediately drawn to it. It’s like an optical illboobsion. The rest of this dress looked like it got caught in the lawnmower. What a rack tho.

I like that I saw maybe one or two plain black tuxes and every other dude went for it. This mustard jacket is definitely a risk but Grobes is pulling.it.OFF.

Alright let’s get down with a pop of seafoam! Dress looks great, don’t know if we needed the True Faith by Ramona-esque necklace circa 2008 as the only accent but whatevs.

Classic charcoal exterior, spicin it up with the tie and shirt combo. Love this way more than his Grammys leisure suit.

Sure, just toss a net over an adorable brunch floral dress. Makes total sense and definitely isn’t infuriating at all. I love fashion.

Crochet had a MOMENT this summer and I like splashing it in an unexpected place.

Love the pink lip but I’m suuuuuuper bored with these plain ole black gowns. You may be thinking but Ju, you hate when someone is very trendy high fash too. And to that I say I feel seen. Don’t be boring, but don’t be weird.

Jeff Goldblum loves to rock a zany jacket and I love him for it.

I actually really like that this is a sheer bottom. It keeps it spicy considering that top is slouchy af. The gold waistband is also super flattering. This is the best girlypop of the night for me because I’m not overly enraged by any piece of this. So she’s got that goin for her, which is nice.

At first glance I was like YOIKES red and maroon don’t go together, and then it kinda grew on me. Plus, it’s Colin and he has such a sexy mean mug. Bad boyz wear shades of crimson.

This falls into the black blob category of the evening, apparently it was wear a flesh tone or wear black or get lawst. I do like the tuxedo effect here even though she for sure looks like she lives in Lakewood, NJ. (This is a very niche joke and I’ll be happy as a clam if even ONE person laughs at it.)

This is exactly what I would expect a woman in her 80’s to wear to a fancy function and she’s killin it! GET IT, JUNE!