Honestly kind of bold to have Music’s Biggest Night go on without rescheduling after the city blazed for like 3 weeks straight. They claimed to keep things as is so they could celebrate the resilience of the city, and of course hawk a QR code for donations every 5 mins. No offense but if I’m donating to LA after the fires, I’m not sending my money to a generic QR code from a major television network not having any idea where it’s going. And while I’m dumping on charity, the opening act of the night with Dawes and a bunch of other famous musicians singing “I Love LA” was bizarro world. In roasting this, I had to google the song, and I found out it’s an old song by Randy Newman. So I guess this diss goes out to Randy. That song corny as hell, man. Felt like a song from Barney if Barney really loved LA. You wanna support LA after the fires? Stream Heidi Montag’s new remix of I’ll Do It ft. Pitbull. (I’m totally kidding, I don’t know shit about how to help after the fires, I just know I’m not scanning a QR code or singing “look at those mountains. look at those trees.” )

I came in hot and for that I DO NOT apologize. Sorry is for suckers. So let’s keep the ball busting rolling with the fashion choices of the eve. But first, my tradish of showing you a runway ready outfit from me so you know I have the credentials to judge others fashion choices.

Glorified PJS or Aspen chic? Or both? Stunted this ‘fit on a 0 degree day where I forced myself to leave my house and go work in a coffee shop. Now onto the people who think 65 degrees is a cold day.

WORST

I thought we got rid of this family? Haven’t they created enough of a scene individually and collectively over the past decade? Now we gotta roll back up wearing a house hat? Get the hell out of my face. How much we gotta donate to ban all 4 members from all of Hollywood?

Everything I said above applies here as well.

NORAH JONES, EVERYBODY! The same woman that gave us the soulful piano stylings of the early aughts is back and lookin FUNKY. Don’t get me wrong, I hate every part of this outfit, but also I’m kinda like mad respect for quirkin it up this much. I wanna give her a fist bump but also I want to burn my eyes out of their sockets just from looking at this mixed media concoction accentuated with a giant red clown belt.

It’s a rare day when I like a Billie outfit and today just isn’t that day. It’s the flipped up Skipper hat (with casj dangly strings?) and the weird sunglasses that live just below her eyes that did me in this time.

Stop it. Stop it right now with the micro bangs. I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING ACCENTED BY MICROS. In fact, my eyes land on those monstrosities first and then I just stop scanning down, because I’m too angry. Except don’t think I didn’t also catch Gaga’s bleached brows hangin out beneath the baby bangs. Horrifying. If you forgot, here’s my rant from the last red carpet via Ariana Grande and a throwback visual as to why I hate these bangs so much. Why don’t we just get all of our bang girlies out of the way in one big (micro) clump:

What hairstylist started this trend? Get them away from scissors immediately.

These aren’t micros but I grouped them in because she belongs in the bad haircut club with whatever’s going on past those bangs. Honestly I got a little PTSD when I looked at it because that’s exactly what my SuperCuts “front angle” looked like. If I were rich like Miley, I could’ve sued for my hair hack job. So she should lawyer up, probs.

Does the girl who wears leopard every day get down with Chappell’s whole schtick? Obv not. I’m too much of a traditionalist to be into these over the top themed costumes that she rocks on the daily double. Kudos to her fans that stan these lewks, but it ain’t me. Music slaps tho.

Who the hell invited this guy?!* Another one I thought we were rid of. Actually upon second glance at this photo where he literally looks like he’s going to murder me, good to see ya Kanye. Welcome back, babe. No bad blood here! Big time fan. Especially of your Kim K lookalike wife’s “outfit.” Top notch nips.

*just found out: no one. No one invited him and they were promptly escorted off of the premises.

I would’ve slapped a NSFW tag on this picture, but if this is how a human can “dress” in broad daylight on a red carpet, apparently there are no rules anymore and I can just roll up to work tomorrow with my labia out just as long as I put a stocking over it.

Johnny Legend looks fabulous. Chrissy out here lookin like an insect *after dark.*

The deepest of V’s and the hardest of staches.

UGH Finneas, a poop suit and rapey colored glasses?! Good thing his lady looks like a dime.

Alicia, tell me how your head feels tomorrow after dragging those bad boys around all night. Guess it’s trendy to hang tree ornaments off of our ears now.

Imagine being this short and also dressing like a matador?!

At first I was like oohh steel gray corset drama but also what a party this dress is. I was overlooking the knee high gladiator sandals. And I was underestimating how much I could let that go. The answer of course was not at all. Once I started thinking about how much I hated them, I couldn’t stop. When gladiators were all the rage I got several comments from the men in my family asking when the battle was and I got bullied so hard that it only makes me want to ask Charli the same question. Thankfully my gal pal Kat who ALWAYS disagrees with me on red carpet hot takes was on the same page calling her an 1800’s prostitute.

Never would’ve pegged Busta to be a church robe kinda guy. Although I guess we could’ve seen it coming in 2006 with: “Lot of my bitches be comin’ from miles around / See they be comin’ cause they know how the God get down”

Not a good enough reason to wear a macramé belt.

When bad patterns happen to good people. My condolences shakiraSHAKIRA.

Ope a dress with a landing strip! Gross!

I’ve seen Paris do a million times better but to be honest the sunglasses ruined the entire vibe. Did she and Finneas go to the same Sunglasses Hut? Why are we jamming tinted dad shades down everyone’s throats? Questions we may never know the answer to.

Not to knock the Cowboy Queen of the night but this dress photographs like a decorated cork board. It also physically pains me to see boobs squished this hard. Let those puppies breathe a little. They’re fighting for their lives with that cut.

BEST

Oooh ZEDD YOU KNOW I LOVE A SPARKLE SUIT!

I couldn’t shit on her outfit like I did the male counterparts of her family. How does one kid come out thinking wearing a whole house on his head is cool and the other one is a normie? Genetics, man.

YaaaAaaaAaaaSSSS baby!💋✨ -is what I imagine JLo would text me if I wore this outfit. So I’m just showing her the same hype gurl energy.

DAMN GURL! Those cutouts be CUTTIN. I just panicked that I was objectifying a teens’ body because her first hit was Drivers License and I suffer from perpetually thinking 2019 was a couple years ago, so I was like oh shit is she even 18 yet?! Quick Google search and I’m in the clear to comment on Liv’s bod-ody-oday because she’s 21. She can drink and make grown-up decisions now. Key word I am clear to comment because if you’re a guy, you’re never allowed to comment. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk about how only a snarky blogger in her thirties can talk about a 21 year old popstar’s g00dies.

I like the silver and blue, very midnights chic…but by George how does she wipe with those daggers?!

I liked her inside outfits better, mostly because girl has got HAIR and to pull it up is an injustice for all. Sabrina rocketed to stardom this year with a bunch of sexual innuendos and wearin negligees. So this outfit is right on par and it definitely works for her. Great color and just enough feather to make it saucy.

Shaboozey with the shimmer scarf. Go Off, King!

Sheryl is lookin SNATCHED! I love that a. she still looks amahzing 2. she came out of the woodwork and was part of the Sesame Street song in the beginning. c. she’s like boho chic casj cool at the Grammys.

Sometimes I just give it to a person who’s wearing something super dumb but looks so happy and committed that I find myself loving this journey for them. Teddy Swims is a dude who can EASILY be confused with both Jelly Roll and Post Malone. Except neither of those fools would be caught dead in a pearl cap and matching silky pearl jacket. GET down with your PEARL self, Teddy!

I will forever be jealous of someone who can serve an unsmiling look and not look like a circus freak/potential axe murderer. Gracie is SLAYING the mean mug. She looks like she could order one of her disciples to kill you but also like a sweet, gentle Mother Teresa at the same time. HOW?! Teach me your ways, girl!

I know I came in real bitchy and you were probz expecting me to just dump all over every look but I MUST be feeling generous to give this a best dressed nod. I think it’s the coordination here for me. The Navy Blue set with matching hat. Janelle did an MJ/Quincy trib so she was channeling that era and honestly she dresses like MJ anyway, so it was a perfect match.

My obligatory nod to the host looking nice even though they never wear anything particularly spicy.

Not only did she coordinate cream jackets with her mans (and Noah Kahan) but she looks like a tall drink of Babe Soda. The red carpet commentator made sure to emphasize that this minidress is made of HARD plastic and that it was likely very uncomfortable. No shit! If my elastic waistband doesn’t touch the underside of my boobs, I’m uncomfortable. I could NEVER squeeze my body into this let alone walk a red carpet without busting through the legos or having a nip slip.

An oat milk Prince.

I love Tori Kelly so much and I feel like I haven’t heard music from her in forever so I’m happy to see her here, which means she’s probably producing or writing for others and I love how she is one with the carpet. Tori IS the red carpet, bitches! She looks like a beautiful crimson mermaid.

If you get to host an awards show apparently you get a season’s pass to the rest of them? Cause I don’t really see why Nikki should be at the Grammy’s other than the fact that she singlehandedly funded The Era’s Tour from now many times she went. (Spoiler alert, she played a key role in stripping Benson Boone mid-performance and it did make me giggle.) All that to say, her legs look amazing and I always appreciate a mint moment.

I can’t be a hooch for cheetah print and not clap it up for a fellow jungle cat. She’s literally a bedazzled tiger. Rawr.

I wonder why she’s wearing Red? Her stems be STEMMIN tho.

A surprise cameo towards the end of the 9 hour show and how iconic is it to *poof* appear in a cloud of organza and glitter?! I need this sparkle suit immeds.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS LOOK! It’s so simple and that’s why I’m obsessed with it. I could wear this to the bar if I wanted to! (I absolutely couldn’t, I barely go to bars and when I do they’re full of olds wearing hoodies.) But I do wear a white tank like nobody’s biz and pairing such a basic top with the razzly dazzliest of skirts is so fun! I even like the belt as the accent to break up the two and I NEVER like a chunky belt. Kacey’s killin it and also stood out from the rest of the pack with a tasteful amount of shimmer&shine and without showing too much skinz.