IT’S BAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAACK! The last time I JUiced was Sept 7th, 2021. WOW. I took three years off from rounding up the celeb headlines each week and gettin real mouthy about them. Honestly, for a while it felt like we were hearing more about Z-list reality TV drama in the goss rags than actual celebs. And The Salty Ju doesn’t perpetuate that shit. I wanna talk high-class divorces like Bennifer, not what the cast of Little People, Big World buy at the Piggly Wiggly. Lately, we’ve been getting some big juicy stories and I cannot keep a muzzle on it. I GOTTA SHOUT MY HOT TAKES INTO THE VOID. MAMA NEEDS HER JUice!
1. Nikki Bella Files for Divorce.
BIG Bella Twins stan here. I used to live for their reality show, I read their memoir, and perhaps took it a *little* too personally when Nikki called off the wedding with John Cena. John went on to marry a Nikki clone, proving he certainly has a type, and Nikki rebounded with Artem, formerly her DWTS partner. The early days of their romance played out on their TV show and as I watched her express doubts about him or if she was even over calling off a wedding to a man she had been with for YEARS like the week it was supposed to go down…I had a strong notion this wasn’t a forever coupling. Then she got preggers as celebs tend to do, and obviously they gave it a real shot and even ended up televising their wedding, which TBH, when I watched that I still was like SHOULD THESE TWO MAKE THIS OFFICIAL?! But everything has been all roses on social media, much like this anniversary post just a couple weeks ago: (I imagine this will be removed in the near future but I couldn’t screenshot because it’s a video so enjoy it while you can.)
Well, that love story came to a crashing halt three days after this post when Artem was arrested for domestic violence. Not many deets were released and neither Artem or Nikki addressed it publicly, but I read somewhere that he was actually the one who called 911 and claimed she threw a shoe at him, and then when cops showed up it was clear who had injuries and who didn’t. Since the arrest, Nikki hosted a hot dog eating competition on Netflix without her ring, and OBVIOUSLY former dancing partners of Artem have noted that he was aggressive or said weird shit that maybe pointed in the direction of him being a dirtbag. BIG YIKES. Not that I feel good about any of this, but I’ll be a nosy nelly til I’m 6 ft under, especially with celebs I’ve ridden so hard for, and I’ve been TUNED IN trying to get more info on the sitch. Did I think they would last? Absolutely not. But did I think she was a victim of DV? Never. I mean, that’s 1/2 of the Bella Twins, a WWE wrestler. HOW YOU GONNA SMACK THAT AROUND?! Credit to her for dropping the divorce hammer almost immediately. She filed this week citing the date of separation as the day of the arrest and I was shocked. I thought for sure they’d do trial separation or try to work things out, but as my sister so perfectly put it: “When the whole world knows your husband beats you and you were a WWE star you better file QUICK.” More power to her! We are FIRMLY Team Nikki. FINISH HIM.
2. There Goes My Hero.
When I tell you I CACKLED when this news dropped. You mean to tell me that the lead singer of a rock band that’s been regularly touring for literal decades CHEATS ON HIS WIFE?! I mean good lord, how is this news?! Musicians and athletes have been spreading their seed since the dawn of time. But apparently people are shocked by this. Here’s Dave’s official statement on the matter:
Love the “born outside of my marriage” terminology like it’s the Puritan era. Wherefore art thou condoms, Dave? Dave’s kids are grown so first and foremost let’s send some T’s and P’s to him for having to start over with “raising” a child. I’m not naive enough to think that he’ll do any of the raising, but I imagine if you’re going to go public with this and stir shit up, he at least intends to be a part of this baby’s life and probably section off a portion of his riches for child support. If I had to crystal ball the future here, I’d say wifey sticks with him. In fact, I’d be surprised if she doesn’t. When you marry a rockstar, you HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SIGNING UP FOR. She made that choice and will probably continue to make it and look the other way when he tours his wiener all over the globe for years to cum.
3. RIP to a LEGEND.
RIP to my childhood, more like it. James Earl Jones was THE voice. I mean, when Lion King is one of the first movies you remember watching as a child, you’re never going to forget the iconic voice of Mufasa. Or the scene where he’s brutally murdered in a stampede ordered by his brother in front of his infant son. THANKS FOR THAT TRAUMA I NEVER ASKED FOR, DISNEY. Simba trying to get Mufasa to wake up is a horror that is seared into my brain for life. FU SCAR. But literally, we went from the WISE words and guiding hand of Mufasa from beyond death to the owner of THE BEAST in the Sandlot, to the writer who tells Ray that PEOPLE WILL COME. (I realize in the order of things, that movie was made first, but I wasn’t old enough to watch it so I went in chronological order for MY childhood est.1991.) Also, sorry I wasn’t a Star Wars girlie, but I know him being Darth was a BFD too. I love that he lived a long life, but also I’m in my feels about this one. Let’s be in our feels together and watch a supercut of the greatest voice of all time. Legends never die.
4. It Ends with Blake Being Upset.
Kinda old news, but this week this headline surfaced on People.com: Blake Lively Was ‘Upset’ byĀ It Ends With UsĀ Drama: ‘It Felt Very Out of Control to Her’ (Exclusive). YA THINK? So here’s the scoop for anyone who has a penis and didn’t follow the Colleen Hoover DRAMZ that went down at the beginning of August. Colleen Hoover is all the rage right now with females because she writes juicy novels that bitches can’t stop reading. She’s tackled love stories, creepy thrillers, and complicated trauma. The latter is what got made into a movie first, but knowing how she churns out books and clearly sells out to Hollywood, this will be the first of MANY adaptations from Hoove-dawg. Movie was shot in Jersey City (WHADDUP JOYSEY), Blake is the lead and plays a victim of domestic violence, it was MUCH chatted about while filming because they made her look absolutely disgusting and wear some of the frumpiest outfits I’ve ever seen. Her co-lead and abusive boyf is played by Justin Baldoni, who also directed the film and owns the rights to this book and its sequel. As the press tour began, it became VERY clear that Justin was separated from the rest of the cast. Blake was exclusively doing press with the other male co-lead (spoiler alert he doesn’t beat her and therefore comes across as the far superior choice to end up with) and even at the premieres, pretty much no one interacted with Justin. Then he started getting soupy in interviews, laying it on thicc that Blake should direct the next film. Around that time it comes out that he fat-shamed Blake while filming (she had popped a baby out like 5 mins before starting this movie) and that he was aggressive and a dick to many of the cast and it was a not so nice work environment. THEN Justin hires the same PR person that Johnny Depp hired when he was being DRAGGED through the mud from his toxic dump of a relationship with Amber Heard and suddenly the press turns on Blake. For weeks we heard about how Blake wasn’t taking the themes of this movie seriously, resurfacing old interview clips where she comes across as a real mean girl, and suddenly Justin looks like roses and Hollywood has cancelled Blake, a woman and 1/2 of a power couple who they’ve quite literally slobbered over for years now. My, my, how the turn tables.
Now here’s my take. I think Justin sucks. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and if your entire cast and crew is basically isolating you on your own red carpet, you probably were a real doucheroni of a director and no one wants to associate with you. As much as I’ve had a raging boner for Blake for my entire adult life, I think she sucked at promoting this movie too. She was VERY into the florals and cutesy aspect of it, and she definitely leaned hard into marketing it like it was this adorable rom-com and not like it’s the unfolding of an abusive relationship from start to finish. She was all WEAR YOUR BEST FLORALS AND GRAB ALL YOUR GIRLIES AND HIT THE THEATERS TO SEE ATLAS THAT SWOONWORTHY MAN HUNK! Don’t believe me? Here’s my also swoonworthy man hunk husband to approve this message! We get it, babe. So really, no one was 100% crushing it here and more importantly for a movie that was shoved down our throats for basically a whole calendar year, it was out of theaters 3 weeks later. Tell me how that makes sense? You want people to go back to the movies so you can keep making bigger budget films, yet you only want them to come opening weekend? How about you give us a chance to get to the crusty ole theaters in the dead of summer when we’re all vacationing and beachin it up and cherishing the sun, which is about to go into hibernation for the next 7 months. You done goofed up because you lost ticket sales from the women in my family who all wanted to go together Labor Day Weekend with our wine. And we WOULD’VE bought the large popcorn too, so HA. In summary, everyone involved with this movie can suck it. I’m sure this won’t be the last time we hear about this mess, which I spent several weeks telling everyone was fabricated to get people talking about the movie, and honestly I would’ve respected it more if that turned out to be true.
5. CHOKE ON IT, BEN.
The Salty Ju 