I’m trying to become more affluent with my TV recaps, so I’m adding a surefire fountain of material, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to my lineup. I’ve always been a one city housewives fan (I use the term fan SO loosely) so since I’ve been dedicated to Beverly Hills from the start I hope that I can do it justice for all of my fellow Bravo betches. Since witchy Carlton and hoy-say Joyce got the boot after bringing last season’s ratings down, we have two newcomers this season, both soap opera stars so things are bound to get reeealll dicey.

New additions also means new taglines and boy am I glad that there’s fresh material of these rich bitches giving nuggets of wisdom and lying about how love and family mean more to them than getting paid to show that love and family on reality television. Newcomer Lisa Rinna has the best tagline giving a coy shout out to her infamous blowfish lips. Eileen Davidson, the other new addition, who you will not even see this episode, had a tagline saying she plays a bitch on TV but isn’t one in real life. I for one am grateful for the clarification. As a former addict of Days of our Lives (it was a phase, guys) I only know Eileen as Kristin DiMerra the terror of Salem who drugged and raped the friendly priest and put it on tape to distribute. THAT is the person I expected to see in Beverly Hills and I’m glad that our gal Eileen addressed my concerns immediately.

Anyway, this episode, as the title suggests, centers on the annual White Party that Kyle throws for attention. We get to see the party from the beginning stages of Kyle walking around her backyard with the sloppiest looking event planner in all of America brainstorming how she could possibly top the last one. This gives Kyle PLENTY of opportunity to brag about the party and boy does she snatch that right up. She talks about how expensive the party is now and how EVERYONE wants to come. As the episode goes on and we catch up with everyone else’s lives, Kyle wants to make sure that we haven’t forgotten about her party so she brings it up again later. Did you know that everyone’s trying to get on the list and it’s the party of the year?! Because it was SO unexpected for Kyle.

Are you feeling suffocated by all of the humble bragging? Don’t worry let’s mosey on over to Yolanda’s house for a beach day with her and Brandi. As they descend the mountain, through the lemon grove forest, into the real world, Yolanda discovers that poor people have set up tents to sell most likely counterfeit merchandise on her land. Yolanda exclaims to a homeless Brandi (spoiler alert) that she doesn’t know what goes on on her four acres of land. Read the room, Yo, Brandi is basically couch surfing and you lay this shit on her? Yo shows that she’s one of the people though by telling the vagrants that they can continue to push product on her lawn just as long as it’s not every day. She continues to hold her own as my favorite housewife when she makes Brandi become one with the earth while walking the beach. It’s good to see that out of the train wreck that was last season, Brandi and Yolanda are still my favorites (for now) and still friends (relatively speaking).

Speaking of last season, remember when everyone turned on Lisa because she was being a catty bitch and playing everyone like CHESS–direct quote? Well no one has forgotten and God bless those producers (Andy, I’m assuming) for Lisa’s opening scenes in this episode. She is immediately painted as the villain driving around in her white Porsche to sinister music, on her way to a “secret” meeting with Kyle. The witch is back and nobody’s going to knock her down…insert evil laugh…but seriously they did everything short of having her smoking a Cruella Deville cigarette and wearing a coat made of Giggy’s fur. (NOT GIGGY!!!!) In Lisa’s aside to the camera she basically says that she was attacked, did nothing wrong and has been waiting for the girls to come crawling back to her one by one. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS. Of course Kyle is the first to grovel. First they must exchange truly genuine compliments “You look good.” “I do?” “You look skinny.” “I do?” Well done girls, lunch can now begin. Kyle tries to bring up why her feelings were hurt and Lisa immediately shuts it down with a firm, let’s not relive the past and forget that I was ever a dick. Kyle awkwardly agrees and they toast to loyalty, so like, things are GREAT now. Later in the episode we see a similar lunch with Lisa and Yolanda where Yolanda’s all “remember when I was on my death bed and you didn’t visit me?” And Lisa’s all “let’s not go backwards, dahling.” I’m sensing a theme here from our ice queen, anyone else?

Then we move onto our first foray into a new character, Lisa Rinna. Also how was she hired for this show…we already have a Lisa! This is going to get real messy. Lisa Rinna will now be referred to just as Rinna forever more. Ok so we get our introduction to Rinna from Kyle, apparently they bonded over a red yarn bracelet, sorry, Kabbalah and that’s how they’re besties. Kyle wants to make sure her more famous friend is attending her INFAMOUS white party. Rinna makes sure to talk this party down as much as possible by referencing that her husband is in Mad Men roughly 4 times over the course of a 2 minute phone call. (Future drinking game?) Rinna can’t wait to attend the White party as an appetizer to her much more famous A-list Mad Men party for the entrée. We then get the treat of meeting Rinna’s teenage daughters who have typical Hollywood names and talk about Coachella a lot, and finally the man, the myth, the legend, Harry Hamlin, or as Rinna refers to him, God/King. Looks like we’ve got another Yolanda and David Foster on our hands. I can’t wait to see these four interact at a dinner party and compete for who loves their husband more.

And FINALLY, the white party has arrived. I honestly thought the day would never come since Kyle began shoving it down our throats a mere 25 minutes earlier. We get to see everyone get ready, the ice queen in her lair with Ken wearing basketball shorts (a vision that I wish with all my heart I could unsee), Kyle with her entire family including little Portia who is apparently a real asshole now, and Brandi with her gays. Everyone is worrying about who they will have an awkward run-in with at the party, in true RHOBH fashion.

The party kicks off with some weird mermaids, a half naked girl in a hamster ball writhing around the pool and a very sensible white carpet leading from the street to Kyle’s house. I’m sure that looked pristine after EVERYONE who’s ANYONE tromped on it. We quickly learn that this is the ghost of Housewives past episode because all the girls are back in town now, or in laymen’s terms, they all could use a paycheck. Camille, Taylor and Adrienne are all present and even our beloved Kim shows up…late of course (cackle, cackle). The girls relive the old days of pretending they’re in high school forming cliques and grabbing at each other’s boobs. They ask Adrienne how old her new woofie boyfriend is. Here’s a clue Adrienne, if they have to ask it means he’s too young. All of their interactions were creepy at best but then Brandi interrupts the cougar and her young conquest to squash the beef from 2 years ago that they had and everyone has long forgotten about. The flashbacks were really key this episode and certainly not short of the dramatic flair. Adrienne and Brandi decided to hash it out at a later date, showing that maybe these bitches have actually matured and learned from their mistakes and everyone returns to the party to dance away their problems. There is a lot of cringe worthy 8^th grade dance shimmying, I’m looking at you, Kyle…Brandi doesn’t join the dance party, cause she’s sober. And we end the bash of the CENTURY with Cruella leaving after giving Brandi the cold shoulder hard. “I’m a fucking good friend,” Lisa declares to no one in particular as her limo slips into the darkness of the night.