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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2024 Edition

I’m nothing if not transparent with you and although up until this point I’ve vehemently enforced the ‘no Christmas movies or decorations before Thanksgiving’ code of conduct, this is the year that I caved. I decorated and started movie binging November 24th. To be fair, Thanksgiving was late this year. But also Netflix dropped 3 new Christmas movies in mid-November and that shit STRESSES ME OUT. I hate seeing tweets and press tours about a movie that I’m not ready to watch yet. So, Christmas came early this year. I will say, the tree went up after Thanksgiving like it always does and I will leave it up until there’s a sea of pine needles on the carpet because DAMNIT THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR IN THE WINTER. Anyway, I noticed no one else got into the Christmas original flick game this year so my sister and I curated from Netflix, Hallmark & Lifetime (hotties only) and I feel good about the *much smaller* selection. So without further adieu…

Meet Me Next Christmas – Netflix

Layla spends Christmas Eve in a bougie airport lounge trying to make it to the Pentatonix Christmas Eve concert with her boyf. She meets James and they share earbuds and therefore a spark so they make a deal to not exchange any info but meet up at next years’ Pentatonix Christmas concert if she’s ditched whatever boyfriend we’re about to grow to hate by then. And then wouldn’t you know 4 seconds later, she walks in on him cheating. That was fast! Now she’s gotta get to the concert to meet her soulmate but color me shocked, this was the one year she didn’t buy tickets and it’s sold out! Obviously she enlists the help of some sort of concierge service that was giving real weird elf vibes and it took me far too long to realize there was no Santa-related magic in this movie and they’re all just normal people living in reality (somewhat.) Layla and Teddy (her concierge) fall in love on the journey and credit to Pentatonix’s agent, but they basically got a movie made centered around them. The a cappella singers that make Christmas their bitch and then go into hibernation for the rest of the year end up playing matchmaker behind the scenes to get these two to their concert. Things we love: a completely unrelated and out of place choreography scene…y’all know I die for a 2000’s era dance movie, and as always, a real down and dirty mack sesh halfway through the movie. MAMA DON’T LIKE TO WAIT FOR THE KISSY KISSY. The movie was fun and entertaining and as a girlie that loves this group harmonizing the shit out of Christmas songs, I appreciated a Pentatonix slobberfest. HOW-EV-ER, the ending was so over the top proclamation of public love it pretty much ruined the rest of the movie. I mean, “The universe falls away when we kiss” was a real piece of dialogue. Ok bitches, you met a day ago. Pump the brakes. BUT I’ll take a free Pentatonix concert any chance I can get cause I bet those tickets are outrageously priced like everything else in NYC at Christmas time. They even cashed in on a single with the same name. GET YO BREAD, GANG! Feel free to smash play while you read the rest.

Hot Frosty – Netflix

Obviously you go into a movie about a snowman coming to life and a woman being desp enough to fall in love with him knowing exactly what you’re going to get. And might I be so bold to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this one. In fact, I liked it WAY better than the Magic Mike Netflix movie that I’m about to eviscerate next. Do I think this is the hottest guy they could’ve cast in a beefy snowman come to life lead? Nah, not even close. This guy’s hair isn’t doing him any favors. But his body is most certainly a specimen and I guess that’s all that matters as we open on him beebopping around town fully nude. Call me a simple gal, but it worked. I was hooked. Could’ve done without the heavy-handed OMG HE’S HOT gags like when he asks a horny old bird who crashes her car staring at his veiny bulging shirtless frame, “want me to get behind you and push?” Don’t insult our intelligence.

I got so caught up in talking about bulges that I didn’t give you a quick and dirty plot rundown. Kathy (horrible name for anyone under the age of 50, if you want to keep Queen of Christmas Movies Lacey in biz, give her better character names) runs a diner and basically is living like a homeless person because as we come to find out, her husband died of cancer and was a handyman. I get that grief is unique for everyone but not having heat in your house that is also flooding from roof leaks, seems extreme. She puts a “magic scarf” around a snowman and poof, HE REAL. Jack (Frost, duh) learns how to be a human by watching TV in Kathy’s house and hiding from the police because he broke a window to steal clothes so he didn’t keep swinging his perfectly sculptured (I assume) ice dick around town. He sees how much Kathy is struggling and learns how to be the perfect boyf who fixes the roof, makes dinner, and does a TikTok dance with tweens at their holiday soiree. There’s a lot of quirky town characters, and an all-time great moment when everything is revealed and Kathy says “You all just buy that he’s a snowman?” And someone replies. “It’s Christmas.” Ope, ok. What I certainly did not see coming was a VERY dramatic ending, which spoiler alert – did turn happy and I teared up…like a lot. Which just goes to show how mentally unstable and lonely I am during the holidays.

PS Doing the Pretty Woman closing fingers in the jewelry box scene? Who do you think you are?

The Merry Gentlemen – Netflix

Buckle up, because I HATED this movie. If you spent your teen years in Tree Hill, you fell into one of two camps. You were a Lucas girlie or a Nathan girlie but you most certainly were never swooning over both Scott brothers. Since every teen show these days seems to only have one plotline and it is brothers sharing the same girl, I’ll let you in a little secret: the Scott brothers did it first with Peyton. Shocking to no one, I liked a bad boy turned good. Nathan 4 LYFE. So, that means I’m kinda eh to Chad Michael Murray. Even though he’s playing a different role, I still see squinty dramatic Lucas whining about how he loves Peyton but she won’t even give him a chance. Now that I’ve sufficiently ranted about a 20 year old show, let’s dive into this movie where they even named him Luke. TOO CLOSE! Ashley gets fired from her gig dancing in a rockettes’ type role in “the big city” and moves back home to find out her parents club is going belly up. Luke has been helping them repair their money pit. Ashley has the bright idea to create a male stripper holiday dance show to bring in the crowds and ooh baby it’s a hit! Never underestimate the horniness of single women.

For this one, I feel like it would be most efficient to air my complaints in list format.

  • Ashley’s wig is Bella Swan in Eclipse bad.
  • Netflix loves to show characters in their movies watching other characters in other Netflix movies. We get it, you own the streaming space. Stop being so obsessed with yourselves, it’s getting weird.
  • Ashley eats a cookie like an absolute disaster. Frosting up to her hairline from basically pie-ing herself in the face with a sweet treat.
  • All of these men learned how to dance basically immediately. There was no trial nor tribulation from “here’s the choreography” to full-blown Darryn’s Dance Grooves.
  • You mean to tell me that this tiny town in the middle of nowhere with a fake hallmark name like Sycamore Creek is just soaking wet with ripped men?
  • I get it, we love an inclusive moment, but there’s a reason Dallas was gross and creepy in Magic Mike and no one wanted to watch him dance. He was out of the target age demo. I almost screamed when we suddenly had an old guy tap in to the on-stage topless gyrations. In fact, I texted my sister in outrage: “NO THEY PUT AN OLD GUY IN?! I’m gonna puke. Why am I watching a geriatric striptease?”
  • Their first kiss goes from good to bad real quick. These two were fish mouthing each other like I’ve never seen before.
  • Really trying to get sentimental and deep for a movie where the men are gyrating with their shirts off 98% of the time.

So, as you can see, there should be no confusion as to why this movie is a real suckfest. They had all the opportunity in the world to pop some lady boners AND make us giggle and they failed SO miserably.

Our Little Secret – Netflix

We start out real hot with a suuuuper cringey public dumping mid-proposal and I was nervous for the rest to unfold. The good news is this flick is full of heavy hitters and the big budget shows. Our girl LiLo is HAVING a moment and GOOD FOR HER. For someone who was a real hot mess in her twenties she sure spun that shit right around and is literally glowing these days. So anyway, Avery goes to meet her boyf’s family for the first time and finds out that her boyf’s sister brought home Logan to meet the fam and these two were HS sweethearts who haven’t spoken in a decade. They decide to act like they don’t know each other yet still help each other navigate this bonkers family. Super fun movie. It has drama, secrets, goofy characters and quippy dialogue. 10/10 No Notes. Just kidding. It’s me. Of course I have notes. Logan’s got a real case of the crazy eyes and that is understandably hard to watch / picture myself having sex with, which is how I commit to every love interest in a rom com, so I find myself having a hard time getting on board with him. BUT there’s so many other things going on and the writing is good so I still approve even though I wouldn’t personally want to bang the lead. (Says the girl who just talked about wanting to bang the snowman lead and also cried when he turned human, so take it with a grain of salt.)

Christmas in the Spotlight – Lifetime

We’ve officially embarrassed ourselves as a society because now we’re making Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce fan-fic in made-for-TV movies. There’s no going back. Look what you made them do, Taylor. Obviously, a Lifetime movie ripping from the popstar-NFL player love story is not sanctioned by either camp and therefore no direct references could be made, but they still managed to shove this script full of bad Swiftie references as Easter eggs, or moments that made my eyes drop from my skull and roll down the hall. (Uncle Gonzo can’t come to the phone right now, why? Cause he’s dead! The alchemy. You think you’re Wonderland. Why they gotta be so mean. An attempt to mimic a TS lyric friendship bracelet but really it just said “nigsss”…no one thought that was concerning? Really?)

Bowyn is a popstar that’s supposed to be Taylor Swift but she’s lookin more like a Tate McRae hooch, and Gonzo (these names are so, SO bad) is an NFL player whose brother plays on the same team and his niece is a SUPER fan of Bowyn. They have a meet and greet moment where Gonzo takes the lowest angle selfie after fumbling his phone. That might be the least believable part. You think a girl’s gonna call you after you give her a double chin in a selfie? UH UH, HONAY. But she does, and they start dating casj in secret, making out on private jets as one does. As you might predict, a movie trying to be Taylor and Travis with no actual facts behind it is super cringe. That being said, my sister and I ATE IT UP. Not fans of do-do bird Travis Kelce, we chose to believe that Gonzo was actually modeled after Gronk, which is a much worthier character we can get behind. Plus, it never hurts when a movie delivers a first date make out and a gratuitous shirtless scene because of a lil wine dribble. If you want to keep it spicy, drink every time they use a puzzle piece metaphor. LET’S FRICKIN GO!!!!

Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story – Hallmark

Before I started this movie, I genuinely thought it was a call and response of the same exact Tay/Trav love story, one sanctioned by the Kelce’s (Hallmark) and one not (Lifetime.) Then the opening scenes were about a family obsessed with the Kansas City Chiefs and I was like oh, it’s not even about Taylor, it’s about the Chiefs, WHO EVEN CARES?! Are people seriously this hard up for this stupid team that we needed to give them more money and free advertising through a branded movie? And don’t even GET ME STARTED on Mama Kelce. Talk about someone stretching those damn five minutes. If anyone is surprised (no one is) Donna Kelce is the worst actress on this planet and her entire role in the movie, which goes on for far too long, is to just walk by and read poorly written lines with not a hint of emotion.

ANYWAY, Alana’s parents met by sitting in the same row as season ticket holders for KCC, so this entire family’s whole lives revolve around a football team. In a super weird and aggressive way. Derrick works for the Chiefs but doesn’t know anything about them, tell me how you get a job in marketing at the NFL being like I don’t really care that much for this team, so when he has to interview BIGGEST FAN candidates and ends up with Alana’s wacky ass family, he’s like mmk, psychos. They have a dramatic story about a lucky hat and not to spoil the ending, but in what felt like hour 9 of hearing about the lucky hat as if it was its own character I typed this sentence into my phone, “I cannot hear this family wax poetic about a knit cap for one more GD second.” In much more exciting news, I nearly fell off my chair when I heard Derrick speak for the first time in some odd talking out of the side of his mouth Elvis accent that miraculously had disappeared without a trace by the first commercial break. I ranted about his stupid voice for far too long, then I looked back on Christmas movie blogs past to remind myself when I published/how many movies I watched and ripped this same actor a new a*hole for talking so slow and seeming like he wasn’t firing on all cylinders during one of his movies last year. So **NOTE TO SELF** this guy talks like a moron and I need to stop having Hallmark amnesia and remember it each year. Although, honestly is kinda fun to get freshly outraged like this is the first time I’ve seen him mumble in a southern/western/brain injury drawl.

PS Every time they walk by Santa they give him money–like $5-20–and do I need to quit my job and just walk around an affluent city with a bucket dressed as the big guy? Santa’s bout to build a beach house with their donations…I gotta get in on that.

Twas the Date Before Christmas – Hallmark

Jessie goes on a bunch of bad online dates and lies about having a new boyfriend for Christmas so her family doesn’t cancel the festivities. Brian’s a smelly loser without plans and therefore replies to Jessie’s chaotic plea on her dating profile to bring a blind date to her family’s Christmas Eve affairs. As someone who did MANY dalliances with dating apps, it’s next level psychotic behavior to message one night and then meet up the next for a family holiday. Pre-crime. Even hopping off the app and exchanging numbers was a big ole to-do, so some surface banter followed by acting as a couple at Christmas and you’re just ASKING to be a skin suit. The notion of that was almost as terrifying as a family of adults that does a Christmas Olympics every year. Honestly, this entire movie is full of red flags but in the spirit of Christmas, we’ll play along that this is how soulmates find each other, by being strangers and still going full-send into wrapping and baking competitions. There’s your typical “big bad corporate guy tries to shut down the small biz” storyline sprinkled in with some widower grief. And you MAY have guessed it, but Christmas Olympics continues on, hearts are warmed, and businesses are saved. The silver lining of this movie was Robert Buckley, who is the most adorable and lovable leading man with a sense of humor, right up until he sneaks up behind his leading lady and whispers, “hey Jessie, I’m having a lot of fun.” And for that reason, I’m out. What a creep move! Also, Jessie’s entire family comes out to watch them kiss at the end like a bunch of peepers. RUN, DUDE!!!

The Finnish Line – Hallmark

I LOVED this movie! Sure, its bad writing and cheesy dubbs coups storylines are ever-present…I mean it is Hallmark after all, what’d you expect? Oscar-winning performances? BUT…HUSKIES!!!! As long as I’ve been recapping these dirt movies (10 years, nbd but HBD), there has not been a Christmas movie about sled racing and I was LOCKED IN. Wish I could say the same for my partial Husky of a pooch. One would think she’d hear the calls of her brethren and watch as intently as I did. At one point, she turned to look at the screen and I got so excited that I’d finally picked a matinee with something for each of us. Then she dropped her head and faced away from the TV for the rest of the movie. Tough crowd.

Whatever, it’s not like I waited with my camera out for the moment she would howl at the screen trying to communicate with her wolf pack. Not only did I enjoy peeking into the world of international dog sledding, but each year I see Christmas in a new country and I want to beat it to that country immeds. Last year was Scotland, this year is Finland. I might die if I don’t get to celebrate Christmas in the snow-blanketed town where Santa Clause is from with a floofy Siberian husky curled up next to me. Alright enough about me, let’s talk about Anya whose dad was a famous sled racer who lost against a scary old guy who plays dirty and then met his future bride and retired to Arizona. Cut to her losing both parents and deciding to avenge her dad’s loss and beat the butthole who nearly killed him. Cole is a former racer turned reporter with a heart of gold, obv. We get to root for sassy Anya to win the damn thing AND two love stories just casually playing out under the Northern Lights. The only poor visual in the whole movie was the very obviously green screen cold plunge that Anya and Cole partake in, but it was a great opportunity to see our male lead shirtless and we never argue that. My only ice to pick (get it?! ice pick!) is that it says it’s -11 degrees and they don’t even attempt to make them look like they’re in the cold. Everyone’s wearing light jackets and no hats. No one acts cold. NEGATIVE ELEVEN DEGREES. YOU CANNOT EVEN FUNCTION IN THAT WEATHER. And yet this crew is kickin it at an ice bar (inside an igloo) like they’re sitting around the pool. Also, my last note, would’ve LOVED a scene with one of the humans talking to the dog and the husky howling in return. That’s the greatest thing about huskies, they basically talk back to you. Missed opp to highlight that adorable quality. Ok that’s it, bye.

A Carpenter Christmas Romance – Lifetime

Sorry folks, but I felt like it was more important for me to deliver this HIGHLY anticipated blog than wait another weekend for this last one to premiere. Each year I struggle with the fact that holiday movies come out earlier and premiere right up until Christmas. Knowing that no one cares to spend Christmas Day reading my thoughts on the crop of new movies, I always try to get it out earlier but I don’t want to release it TOO early and miss the later ones. These are the struggles I must live with. It’s my Christmas cross to bear. Realistically, I write these for myself because I live for roasting cheesy holiday movies and I’m a diehard for a tradition. Either way, when making this year’s list my sister introduced this flick as “this year’s A Cowboy Christmas Romance.” If you need refreshing, it’s the last movie I recapped last year. TLDR: it’s a festive themed harlequin novel. They give us a swoony muscle man and last year they dropped the first ever sex scene in a Lifetime Christmas movie. I can’t confirm that this will also have a romp in the barn, but ONE CAN ONLY HOPE. Obviously my DVR is already set. It was set the moment I saw the definition in those ‘ceps. Those are lady-lifting arms right there, baby!

Yea, yea, yea, I know. I need a boyfriend. Guess I better hope for a White Christmas so I can start building a chiseled snowman and let the holiday magic do its thang. Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!

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Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2023 Edition

The past few years have been so overwhelming with networks boasting MORE NEW ORIGINAL CHRISTMAS MOVIES than EVER BEFORE that I’ve set a date around Thanksgiving, preferably when I’m in the office, to curate a list. I don’t have time to watch every single piece of beloved holiday trash that Lifetime and Hallmark create, so instead I open the TV Guide lists in one tab, and Google images in another tab to gauge attractiveness of the leads. It’s a foolproof method, or so I thought, until I went to DVR two of the flicks on my list and realized they were from last year. You had ONE job, TV Guide. Get your shit together. So my apologies to all my diehards who rely on my list to narrow their focus for including a couple of gently-used movies. It won’t happen again. Next year I’ll be double checking dates while I assess if the guy is hot enough to commit to watching. Now that I’ve owned up to my mistake, here’s my official list that I was working off of this year (but of course strayed because my TV was basically showing movies everyday for a month.)

ExMas – Freevee (aka Amazon Prime)

This was hands down my favorite newbie this season and it has everything to do with the fact that I’m obsessed with Robbie Amell. He’s sarcastic and a total babe soda and if you haven’t watched beloved teen comedy The DUFF, you’re doing yourself a Robbie disservice. Anywho, exes Graham and Allie run into each other when Graham’s Christmas-obsessed fam thinks he can’t make it home for the holidays so they extend the invite to Allie who had no one to celebrate with. Obviously the result was Graham betting Allie that his family will kick her out by Christmas and them trying to sabotage each other. We all know every great movie starts with a bet. I was only ten minutes into watching this bad boy and I laughed out loud. Unironically! I think this is a Christmas movie first! It was fun to watch the war of the exes and even more fun when we get a bang, bang. bangity bang. (Spoiler alert, but also this is why more non-cable networks should be in the Christmas movie game, GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!) Will my top two movies both include sex scenes? Affirmative. Will that be the reason they’re my top two? I’ll never tell. Honorable mention to Graham’s awkward sister who quickly became my favorite character for her commentary.

A Merry Scottish Christmas – Hallmark

Brad and Lindsey are overworked sibs who don’t speak much anymore but their mom summons them to Scotland for Christmas. This is where they learn that their mom was actually supposed to be a Duchess but she ran away to America and if they want to be royals and take over the castle they can. Sick Christmas gift. Visually this movie is stunning. In fact, if I don’t spend at least one Christmas in a castle, I’ll KMS. The scenery is kinda the only saving grace to an otherwise pretty boring movie. I also hate to be the one to point this out if you didn’t notice it while watching, but I don’t buy these two as brother and sister. It was giving big-time we’re supposed to be playing siblings but we’re giving off romantic chemistry vibes. At one point Brad makes a life decision with his wife and Lindsey is like WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER. So maybe she wants to marry her brother? Just sayin, it did cross my mind. Honorable mention to the mom who grew up Scottish royalty but has a British accent as an adult even though she’s lived in America since she was 20. If there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s pointing out bullshit accents in low-budge movies. And of course, can’t forget to mention the nod to Party of Five (where Scott and Lacey played siblings who didn’t want to bang each other) by naming the bar they went to “Salinger Pub.”

Christmas Plus One – Lifetime (last year)

Speaking of weird sibling relationships. I wanted to relate to these sisters who are besties but then they showed their tradition of making Christmas wishes in matching jammies as adults and both of them wished to meet their soulmate and God, that’s insufferable. Amy meets her “soulmate” and is planning a Christmas wedding, and en route to that wedding, Cara thinks she meets her “soulmate” (please note that I’m putting this in quotes to reiterate the fact that soulmates do not exist IRL, just in RomComLand.) But oopsie, Cara loses his number and then spends the rest of the movie trying to find this guy again but enlists the help of another guy and yup, you guessed it, she found ANOTHER “soulmate”! This movie wasn’t awful but I will note that they leaned WAY too hard into the almost kiss AND just missing each other as she searched for the stranger she decided she should marry based on their love for Christmas. Lifetime LOVES an interrupted kiss but putting both almost kisses and almost run-ins together was incredibly annoying I basically spent the whole movie screaming JUST GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.

Planes, Trains, and Christmas Trees – Lifetime (last year)

This bitch is so high strung with a stick up her ass that I truly couldn’t watch more than 5 mins of her squawking about making it home in a snowstorm for work. A rare instance, but sometimes they’re just so unwatchable that you can’t commit to the bit, especially when you don’t have anyone with you to turn it into a drinking game. #SorryNotSorry

Christmas Island – Hallmark

Andrew Walker is a fan favorite, so I was glad my sister had DVR’ed this pre-Thanksgiving movie so we could dive in together with a garlic asiago dip. I was even more glad when we turned this abomination off. The kids were more a part of the storyline than we originally anticipated and as you might remember, we don’t do kid-heavy Hallies. If you’re wondering what this movie was about look no further than my sister’s observation five minutes in: “The premise of this movie is fucking weird, they’re going to hold these people hostage on Christmas Island?” They sure are!

Never Been Chris’d – Hallmark

After cutting Christmas Island short, we landed on this gem about high school besties who fight over their crush as grown women and folks, this is our sweet spot. Especially because the almighty Chris Silver that these two bozos have been obsessed with since they were teens seems like he’s a little slow. There’s something not clicking upstairs for Chris and yet that doesn’t stop him from having women slobber all over him. Guess that’s what it’s like to be a man! (My sister did eventually confirm that this is just how this specific actor talks, and he’s not playing someone struggling with a brain injury.) As this entire high school gathers in their hometown at the holidays we’re treated with a CRINGEWORTHY scene where a group of former “popular” kids play Never Have I Ever-Christmas Cookie Edition where they all just relive how cool they were in high school, which obviously makes them giant losers as grown-ups. I don’t think this movie was trying to give off a peaked in high school vibe, but it reeeaallyyyy did. After a few too many group dates, one including a kiss (apparently Chris Silver is The Bachelor), Liz and Naomi play rock, paper, scissors for who will marry Chris Silver. Just kidding, Liz bows out gracefully and Naomi declares he’s the one after a tongue-less smooch. Merry CHRISmas!

Catch Me If You Claus – Hallmark

Avery Quinn is trying to be promoted to a news anchor and Santa is apparently in his thirties now. In the spirit of transparency, this movie took such a weird left turn that I also ditched it before the end. It started out normal then had like a crime storyline and suddenly it became a holiday heist movie and that’s really not what I’m signing up for when I pour myself a tall glass of wine to watch people fall in love at Christmas. Also Santa shouldn’t be my age. BYE BYE.


Christmas in Notting Hill – Hallmark

Georgia is a teacher in the US visiting her sister who lives in London and also happens to date the brother of a famous footballer, Graham. But before they find out their sibs are together, the romance between G-squared sparks with a classic slamming into each other at a Christmas market and he’s like come to mine and she’s like yeah why not go to a strange man’s house in a foreign country like the movie Taken never happened! Obviously it didn’t end in abduction, it ended like every girlie who grew up wanting David Beckham to be their boyfriend wished for, which is why I have a soft spot for this incredibly cheese-tastic movie. Somethin about dating an athlete (I guess Taylor Swift is rubbing off on us all) and London at Christmas made me put up with a whole lot of garbage. For example, when the sisters do a choreographed dance to a DAVID ARCHULETA version of “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” like that isn’t the biggest diss to THE YEAR OF THE N*SYNC COMEBACK. Or when their dad shouts every piece of dialogue because he thinks that’s what acting is. Or when homegirl wears a beret for practically the entire movie. There were LENGTHY pop culture references from Gilmore Girls to Ted Lasso and none of them made any sense. If you wanted to spice up your viewing of this movie, you could play a drinking game where you drink every time the girl who only brought one suitcase to London wears a different fancy coat (pssst, you might die.) But the cherry on top is when production went for the ole “full sheets of computer paper” blizzard. And YET I still loved it!

Laughing All The Way – Lifetime

My initial interest in this movie was 1000% based on needing to see how the most painfully unfunny network on TV tackles a movie centered around stand-up comedy. My expectations were rock bottom and Lifetime still managed to do EVEN worse than I imagined. Stick to serial killers and holiday romance, guys. Aubrey is a jokewriter for an insufferable old bat who is supposed to be a club owner and comedian but isn’t funny at all (you’ll notice a theme here.) It’s almost like someone watched Hacks and was like let’s take this idea, make it the opposite of funny and add Christmas into the mix! Mike Baxter is supposedly a big comedian who is coming back to his hometown to get in touch with his comedy roots again because he’s gotten too mainstream and Hollywood wants him for action movies and not stand-up specials. I think that’s what makes this movie steaming hot garbage, is that this supposed famous comedian comes back to coach this chick and somehow start doing a comedy duo when NEITHER OF THEM ARE FUNNY. I’ve gotten more laughs from an off-handed comment at the dog park and these two are performing material they’ve been writing for the entire length of the movie. The BIG finale set from Aubrey is just one run-on joke about asking for health insurance for Christmas. BLOW MY BRAINS OUT! If I sound enraged, please know that I am. Even my mom had one eye shut halfway to snoozeytown and goes “this movie blows” and she was not wrong. Check it out if you want to hear a bunch of people tell each other they’re the funniest person ever without anyone actually being fUnNnY. Or… if you want to see a guy try 90’s Adam Sandler jokey songs in the Year of our Lord 2023. I wish I could scrub this scene and the whole entire movie from my memory immediately. But mostly this scene.

Haul out the Holly: Lit Up – Hallmark

In a rare and special occurence, a subpar holiday movie from last year got a sequel! Leave it up to Hallmark’s reigning queen (since CCB trotted on over to Great American Family) to lead two movies this year, one being a sequel. If you’ll recall from last year Emily moves back to her wacky family’s neighborhood where they take Christmas so seriously, citations are given out for not having the correct sized nutcracker and her childhood friend Jared is the king of giving out citations. They fall in love despite the fact that this guy turned out to be a real loser, and now they BOTH foam at the mouth over Christmas. A little too much if you ask me. It started off a little culty with one telling the other, “I don’t feel like you’re prioritizing Christmas enough.” Then an annoying YouTube family the Jolly Johnson’s move to town and give me a headache within seconds. A war begins between the neighborhood vets and the newcomers about how Christmas should be celebrated, and the she-Johnson has such a punchable face and a shrill voice that I almost ripped my TV off of the stand and boomeranged it into the floor several times. I think the only reason I kept watching (and didn’t destroy my television) was because Wes can GET IT in those glasses.


A Cowboy Christmas Romance – Lifetime

We’re making history here as this marks the first cable TV Christmas movie to have an actual sex scene!!! What did we do to deserve this?! Oh yeah, suffered through THOUSANDS of shitty movies where the leads have an almost kiss 900 times and then close out with a dry peck as the fireworks finish. I’ve been Christmas cockblocked for too long and I’m thrilled to usher in this change. Next year all the movies better include penetration or WE RIOT! Anyway, this flick kicks off with Lexi spewing some real estate jargon about millennials which is a scooch triggering for me right now as I’ll never be able to afford a home and will rent until I’m six feet under. THANKS A LOT, BIDEN. I didn’t stay bitter for long because at the 12 minute mark we got a full blown makeout and Lexi didn’t even know his name yet. SCANDAL. For some context, Lexi traveled back to her hometown to get Coby Mason (such a hot cowboy name) to sell his family ranch. But the twist is that Lexi’s family owns every other ranch and she hasn’t spoken to them in a decade. There’s just as much family drama as there is romance but the romance in this movie is SEX-AY. The cowboy lays it on THICK talking about horses like foreplay then the “lets get it on” scene is everything I could’ve hoped and dreamed. These were the exact notes I took in the moment: “THE LIFT ON THE TABLE FOR A MAKEOUT HELL YEA! SEX IN A BARN. HOT COWBOY ABS.” Honestly this was a heartwarming family tale but all I will remember is the barn sex. 10/10 recommend.

Holiday in the Vineyards – Netflix

Carter’s a rich spoiled asshole with vineyard money and Valentina is a widowed real estate agent selling a shitty vineyard in a town where everyone makes wine in their garage. It was a real change of pace to see someone other than this man’s wife playing his love interest on Netflix but I gotta be honest that was just about the only thing that made this movie different from A California Christmas (1 & 2.) But if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, we love a countryside wine soaked Christmas with a side of gratuitous abs.

I normally hate a side couple storyline but Moe the hardware store owner/sommelier and Cindy the LaToya Jackson lookin’ white friend were fun and I was here for it. Even when she said “I did not always put the sin in Cindy,” I wrote it down in case my mom needs a Real Housewives tagline should Andy Cohen ever expand to Syracuse. My favorite part of this movie that I devoured the same night it was released to Netflix was the delicious Latin dance scene that had me feeling all sorts of nostalgia for an early 2000’s dance chick flick. It was like Step Up: Garage Vineyard and I was HERE FOR IT.

Sealed with a List – Hallmark

Carley is a NERD bomber who lives with a 70 year old woman who’s cooler than her. She’s made a list of things to accomplish before the new year and waits until Thanksgiving to enlist her entitled douche of a boss, Wyatt, to help her be cool/check everything off the list. Good fucking luck with making this chick cool, homeslice. In return, she’s supposed to help him be less of a rich douche. I started out hating this movie REAL strong but it actually grew on me and by the end I was rooting for this wannabe fashion designer who dressed and spoke like a little boy to get through her list and get her mans by the time her balls, I mean the ball, dropped. Probably helps that I L-O-V-E a list and seeing items get a satisfying checkmark makes me cream my jeans. Honorable mention to Carley’s BFF who moves to Italy for a year and comes back doing a SHITTY Italian accent and saying Bongiorno like the a*hole who studies abroad and makes it their entire personality.

The Holiday Proposal Plan (Lifetime)

What a DOOOOOOZY this one was. I am, of course, referring exclusively to the male lead’s most unfortunate hairstyle. I haven’t seen lettuce this bad since that demon from Supercuts hacked mine with a rusty machete in 2019, #NeverForget. I genuinely gasped when he entered stage left and then spent the next 10 mins photographing it from all angles so you really understand just how tragic this deep side part and floppy bang is.

BAD. This hurts my soul. In fact, I almost shut this movie off JUST because I was so triggered by this rooster coif. Then there was a moment of hope when he put on a winter hat and his attractiveness soared just by covering the male Snooki poof. I got all hot and bothered only to be immediately dosed in cold water when he plucked the hat off of his head and put it on his lady’s as a flirting technique. PUT IT BACK ON, GOOD SIR.

Anyway, if you must know, this movie is about BFF’s, one a travel writer and the other a broadcaster who have combined their “talents” to create a travel show. They’re mega annoying together, and blondie Brie is one of the worst actresses I’ve ever seen on this network and that’s saying a lot. Her boyfriend wants to put her and her over-emphasizing words on ice but they’ve both bought rings for each other. So best friend Sunny decides to force a proposal for a couple that are taking a break for the holiday and also write about it for personal gain at work. Her ex boyfriend Kip with the hardest side part in history who dumped her last Christmas because she chose work over visiting his family is along for the ride to help scheme this proposal. We hit a real low when the gang starts singing, if that’s what we can call it. WHY MUST WE WEDGE CAROLING INTO EVERY G-D MOVIE?! Not even Sunny and her Christina Aguilera riffs could save this group singalong. Honorable mention goes to Traveling Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum workshopping a new show name and landing on “Gals Gone Global: The Wild Wild West Coast Edition.” Really rolls off the tongue.

Flipping For Christmas (Hallmark)

Ending on a high note so you don’t have nightmares about the previous hairline. Abby visits her family for Christmas and her sister tricks her into flipping a house that was left by dead grandpa Frank with his contractor Bo. ObViOuSLy Abby’s motive is to sell the house for profit and Bo wants to turn it into a B&B for the town. It’s a classic tightwad corporate woman vs. townie salt of the earth guy. That doesn’t stop these two from living out an HGTV wet dream, complete with a flirty paint fight where Bo is wearing the shit out of a set of pink coveralls. Barbie who?! He is KENough.

While we’re on the topic of Bo being a total dimpled beefcake, he also casj donned a cable-knit sweater that made me swoon my face off.

Alright, now that I’ve cleaned my slobber up, I promise that in addition to a male lead that’s gunning for sexiest Christmas movie cream sweater (reigning champ is Dylan McDermott in Miracle on 34th Street and that seems pretty obvious) this movie has an actual storyline. There’s something for everyone! Lots of deep meaningful talks about loss and letting life happen instead of being psycho control freaks, AND sexually frustrated flirty banter between two hot people. Plus, an adorbs town full of Christmas traditions…a Hally staple. The only downside to this movie (or upside if you drink every time it happens) is Abby’s sister who delivers each and every line with a side of bugging her eyes completely out of her skull. It is jarring to say the least.

Merry Christmas fellow trashy movie lovers! See you here next year–same time, same place to dissect the high brow (attractive ppl only) made-for-TV holiday cinema.

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