Sometimes I go on a real hot streak of consuming every piece of content that hits Netflix. Ever the charitable blogger, I’m happy to share with anyone who actually has a life, what you absolutely don’t need to waste your time binging. It also feels vital to point out that even though I may SEEM like a giant smelly loser who watches TV all the time, I happen to work from home 3 days a week and I do my best work from the couch, duh. It’s called MULTITASKING, ever heard of it?
*Even though I’m mouthy as hell, I will not include any spoilers so you can decide just based on my strong opinions if you should watch, as my opinions are definitely more important than your own.
The Lincoln Lawyer
Season 1: 10 episodes | Season 2: 10 episodes (50 mins)
Kicking off this list by including a show I actually watched over the summer. Sue me. For anyone who ever texts me for reccies (or asks me what she should watch every weekend, lookin at you mom) sometimes I forget about a show if it’s not currently new. So that’s why I wanted to shove this one in your faces. It came out last year and there are 2 seasons available and a third on the way. Based on the book/movie/true life story(?) genuinely don’t know if this is based on a true story but that feels right. Hot shot lawyer Mickey Haller is known for always driving around/working out of his Lincoln and this series follows his high profile cases and his juicy love life. This show has got it AWL. Everyone in it is hot, ESPECIALLY Neve Campbell who legit hasn’t aged a day lookin like a damn snack, it has crime, mystery, family storylines, cliffhangers, drama, comedy, and of course romance. Whatcha waiting for?! Check it out, yo!
Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody
Another kind of “old” one, this came out a while back and I added it to my list because I knew I had too many different cities of housewives on my plate to be able to give it my undivided attention. I finally watched it last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed this tour of Whitney’s greatest hits. Honestly, I never knew much about Whitney’s background/personal life other than her being a super sweaty crack addict with Bobby Brown because that’s what was happening in my formative years. I missed her glory days in the early 90’s because I was an infant and not yet consuming pop culture. So color me surprised when this movie starts with Whitney and her bestie Robyn gettin HoT & HeAvY. I knew they were rumored to have dated at one point but I didn’t know they lived together and then when Whitney got her record deal she was like let’s just be BFF’s, no scissoring now. And that was it. Robyn just stepped down as her girlfriend and worked for her for like 20 years. WHAT A HERO. That is the true definition of a bigger person. Gets dumped so Whitney can look like a hetero to the press and have kids one day and homegirl still stands by her. Anyway, that’s not really a spoiler because the movie spends like 10 minutes on this but clearly that was the biggest takeaway for me, Robyn is a ride or die. I guess that phrase is a scooch insensitive seeing as we all know how this movie ends. But you get the point. The movie also clued me in to what a BFD the below performance was and how basically no other singer would be able to vocally accomplish the range in this medley.
Love Again
One of my favorite traditions in life is to watch something horrifically bad and then pretend it was good to get someone else to watch it and suffer alongside me. This tradish goes hand in hand with my hard and fast rule that if I have to see or hear something terrible, everyone else does too. My sister is well-versed in this as she’s usually the unsuspecting victim who will get a random picture of an ugly baby on a Wednesday. IF I HAD TO SEE IT SO DO YOU, BOO. And with that precursor, I think we can conclude how this movie was. I’m always hard up for a new romantic flick and I was rabid to consume this, I think I caught it on opening night (Yikes, Julia, get a social life.) I wish I could’ve unseen it. Celine Dion plays herself in this movie and for whatever reason doles out love advice while the male lead listens to her music on repeat and quotes her lyrics back to her. I love the SHIT out of Celine Dion. She’s a hitmaker and a legend and her French Canadian accent will forever make me giggle. And yet, I don’t need a romantic drama centered around her giving dating tips. Also the premise of this movie was CREEEEEEPY. Mira loses her boyfriend in the first 5 mins and we watch her go through the stages of grief and then start texting her dead boyfriend’s number as if he can read it in Heaven. And Rob accidentally receives these texts. Whoopsie, guess phone numbers don’t die with people, they just get transferred. Classic mixup except that this stranger READS ALL OF HER MESSAGES and uses them to find her in real life and pretend they just bumped into each other and start dating. EW TIMES A MILLION. Even my homeslice Celine couldn’t fix this atrocity of a movie with a power ballad.
Love At First Sight
Bringing things back up with this one, I swear you can always count on movies meant for teens to clean up the mess that romances about thirty-somethings made. Hadley and Oliver have the meet-cute of the century when they end up on the same flight to London just falling in love in the air. Every time I’m on an airplane I wonder if I’ll meet the love of my life and then within 4 seconds of taking off when I immediately go lights out I remember that if anyone ever talked to me for the entirety of a flight, I’d be one of those people who opens the emergency exit just to see what happens. Being stuck on a stinky recycled air tin can with your knees to chest is already punishment enough, no need to add chitchats. Luckily for these two cuties, they were flying business class and got all of the perks of the rich so it was like a 7 hour first date and not mid-air get to know each other torture. Classic rom-com trope: not getting each other’s number and having to find each other in a big city. Supes realistic, but this movie had weddings and funerals and young love and it was a fine little Friday night flick. I ugly cried but that’s not saying much because I do that a lot. I just have a lot of feelings. PS I thought FOR SURE the dad in this movie (Rob Delaney) was a gay guy trying to play a straight and not really succeeding so I raced to IMDB to look him up and it turns out he is very much married to a woman and let me tell you…overtly flamboyant is a CHOICE for playing a straight dad. Totally threw me off.
Beckham
4 Episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)
I was SO excited to see a doc about Becks and even more so when they teased a clip of Victoria sharing that they both came from humble beginnings and Becks pokes his head in the room and goes let’s be honest, Victoria, what car did your dad drive you to school in? And when she answered a Rolls Royce after he forced it out of her, he ducked back out of the room. You mean Becks and Posh were British pop culture royalty of the 90’s AND they’ve got witty banter?! Sign me up. Well that clip was mostly false advertising as this was really a doc about David’s soccer career. Not really a soccer fan considering I’m a trash American who calls it soccer, so a lot of this was snoozeworthy. It did, however, give glimpses into their romance, which I ate right up. I didn’t know David was such a diva who demanded perfect hair at all times, nor did I know that the world literally shit bricks every time he dared to change his hairstyle. Guess we all feel invested in this perfect male specimen. True to a doc about famous figures, produced by said famous figures (ahem, the MJ doc) it was a real puff piece all around. We didn’t get any intel on the affair that Becks definitely had while he was in Spain, just a real gloss-over job of “that was a difficult time in our relationship.” Obviously I wanted the dirt, but they’re not about to air their cheating scandal out 20 years later. It’s a great watch for anyone who has followed Becks or his career through the years or likes sports, or for someone like me who is just nosy and looking for juicy tidbits. If I could watch a weekly reality show on David Beckham grilling mushrooms in his private kitchen and then kicking it with his wife and kids listening to Islands in the Stream, I’d be happy as a clam.
Fair Play
This movie came out and I kept seeing tweets about it so when my mom asked me what she should watch, I told her this title and said I hadn’t had a chance to see it yet but it’s been buzzed about. Wouldn’t you know that sneaky lil B mom of mine watched it and goes, “it was interesting” and so I watched it a couple nights later and it was APPALLING. Did my mom just beat me at my own game?! Did I inherit this game from her?! It’s all coming together. WHAT A TRAP that I watched this. The opening scene is Emily and Luke sneaking off to a bathroom at a public party and when Luke goes downtown on Emily, he comes back up lookin like a crime scene and her silk gown is covered in her own blood. YUM! And THEN he proposes. WHAT A FAIRYTALE. My first thought was EW my mom watched this immediately followed by DOUBLE EW my mom watched this and then was like you should watch too! The rest of this movie was downhill FAST. Emily and Luke are both sellin stocks and she gets a promotion and he doesn’t and he turns into a real dick about it because his precious man ego can’t handle her being better than him. Tale as old as time. It was two hours of Phoebe Dynevor struggling to mask her British accent because she was supposed to be from Long Island and it ended in one of the weirdest standoffs I’ve ever witnessed between a couple. A real shitshow start to finish proving that just because there’s buzz on Twitter, doesn’t mean something is worth watching.
No Hard Feelings
I’m aware of the fact that this was actually a blockbuster release in theaters before it made its way onto Netflix. Other than pulling a big name like JLaw, I’m wondering why this movie got funding to be a theater release. In a rather washed up comedy trope, Jennifer’s character Maddie is a broke a$$ bitch looking to do anything to save her childhood home from being snatched back by the town, and Percy’s weirdo parents are willing to hand over a car to anyone who will boink their introverted 18 year old son. Maddie is supposedly 32 in this movie and goes hard in the paint tossing her hot pocket at an 18 year old who looks like he’s about 15 and that’s where I’m out. It was giving off big-time statch rape vibes and I cringed so hard that my face hurt when this movie concluded. Not to be sexist but when older men pursue younger women, the women at least LOOK like they’ve hit puberty…guys these days look like they’re 12 until they’re 30. I don’t make the rules, I just know I don’t want to watch a romcom that is eerily similar to a Lifetime movie about Mary Kay Letourneau. Why do you think they cast 30 year old dudes in high school shows? So we don’t feel like a bunch of pervs lusting after a senior with a six pack DUH. Anywho, this movie made me WANT to cover my eyes many times and *ACTUALLY* cover my eyes during one particular fully nude fight scene. PS Matthew Broderick’s look in this movie is also pretty jarring. A far cry from the leopard vest wearin’ babe soda he once was as Ferris Bueller.
Super Pumped: The Battle for Uber
Showtime & Netflix, 7 episodes (60 mins)
Quick rundown of this series and every other series that focuses on someone from Silicon Valley: they are a selfish and greedy asshole. That pretty much sums it up. The Zuckerbergs, Jobs, Musks, Gates, and Bezos of the world are all the same. They’re smart but they’re also not above stealing ideas or breaking laws to get what they want. And Travis Kalanick of Uber is no different. Do I love and regularly use every single product that all of these white men have “created”? Sure do. But that doesn’t mean I need to see Hollywood make another biopic or series about a self-centered butthole who tries to justify being a terrible person by calling himself a “disruptor?” NOPE. Do yourself a favor and skip this one because it’s the same as all the others. Also, FWIW, super boring and drawn out. Not even my Lord and Savior Coach Taylor could make this palatable.
Old Dads
This is the EXACT movie you’d guess it is once you see that Bill Burr wrote, directed & starred in it. So if you want to be angry at the world in all of its wokeness, saddle up partner. There were a few moments where I laughed out loud but mostly it was just the same old jokes with heavy handed old school conservative vs new age libby undertones. As you might infer from the title, this movie is about three old dads. They work together and are navigating parenthood for the first time as a bunch of old crusties and basically fighting with every youth they cross paths with. It serves its purpose in making fun of the current state of the world and I didn’t mind it but if Bill Burr’s rageaholic style of comedy isn’t your preferred brand, I’d say don’t tune into this flick. Also, I may have gotten more than a little triggered when their new boss who is in his twenties calls himself a “disruptor” because I had just finished binging the aforementioned series about Uber-douche who used the term disruptor 8 zillion times and if I ever hear that dumbass buzzword again it’ll be too soon.
Pain Hustlers
When Netflix is on a whirl with something, they don’t stop until every angle of every story has been told and that’s certainly the case with the opioid crisis. I feel like I’ve seen about 5 options just in the past year of big Pharma related content. Spoiler alert: the doctors and drug sales reps of this industry are JUST AS TERRIBLE as the silicon valley turds. Three cheers for the richest people in our country also being the worst! And probably getting richer the more we write books and create movies about them!!! Despite the world going to hell in a handbasket and me sitting on my couch shoving a cookiewich into my cookiewich hole consuming it all for entertainment, this was a decent movie. I mean, I don’t know how it couldn’t be with Chris Evans and Emily Blunt at the helm. Based loosely on true events not an actual person, Liza Drake’s a poor single mom who can’t seem to make enough money to take care of her kid until she finds herself working as a pharmaceutical rep and skyrockets into richie rich-land unfortunately at the cost of basically anyone who uses this drug. The company gets the Feds on their tail because apparently when you prescribe fentanyl spray to people who have addictive tendencies for a migraine and not for cancer side effects, you’re probably going to get those people hooked and/or overdosing like nobody’s biz. I may have never dabbled in recreational drugs but every idiot on the planet knows fentanyl is the big bad wolf so suuuure let’s just spritz it on our tongue whenever we have an ache or pain! PS Phoebe can take an acting class or two from Emily who flawlessly gave us a Florida accent in this movie with no detection of her Brit roots.
Get Gotti
3 episodes (50-60 mins ea)
With Italian blood flowing deep, it would be sacrelidge of me not to love a good mafia joint. I’m all over any new peek behind the curtain of Cosa Nostra like Sunday sauce on a meatball. In fact, when I studied abroad in Italy, I took a whole class on the mafia. Gotta pay respect to my ancestors where it’s due and obviously the only way to do that is to watch a series about how BALLER it was to be a mafia boss and thank my lucky stars I was never alive during the height of this madness because I would truly poop my pants. Gotti made the mafia a little *too* mainstream in the 80’s acting more like a celebrity and less like a guy who kills people for a living and unfortunately, it didn’t end so well for him. But this series showed me what a disaster it was for THREE law enforcement branches to take him down and I know I’m not supposed to laugh at the incompetency of cops and cheer for a stone cold killer but it is a little bit funny that between local, state, and federal investigators, they were ousted by a bad guy this many times. This series wasn’t too drawn out like many can be and I’d definitely recommend to anyone like me who is a crime/mafia junkie.
Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had
Every once in a while I dabble in the latest stand-up special that drops. I’ve seen Heather before via her podcast or TikToks that she does and I think she’s pretty funny. Unfortunately, that didn’t translate to stand-up comic level of funny for me. Comedy is super subjective and different brands are not everyone’s cup of tea. So I guess I can’t really tell you whether this is worth watching or not but I can reveal that I didn’t laugh at one joke, and I’m gonna go ahead and declare it a bust for me, personally. She talks a lot about her childhood, her weight, and the death of her dad, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Big Vape: The Rise and Fall of Juul
4 episodes (45 mins)
I don’t even know why I smashed play on this. To be honest I only just started it as I wrote this blog and immediately in epi 1, my trigger term disruptor was used and I wanted to Hulk Smash the TV. This series follows the rise of those little thumb drive lookin ciggies that have become all the rage with the youths. I was clearly looking to get pissed by watching this because I famously make fun of Gen Z on this blog and Juuls and vaping is EXCLUSIVE to that generation. Dressing like the Olsen Twins circa 1993 and pluming it up on a flash drive. That’s what they do best. One kid featured in this doc had a collapsed lung from how much he was vaping and he RECORDED them inflating his lung again for the Tok. Ope, hang on a second, Doc, gotta make sure I set up my tripod/ring light and catch this for all of my followers! OUR FUTURE IS IN THEIR HANDS. Ok now I’m just getting mad about it again and basically transforming into Old Dad, which honestly is my personality anyway. The best/worst part about this series is that they created Juul to be HEALTHIER than cigarettes. LOLOLOLOL, yeh, sure, ok, babes.
Love is Blind, Season 5
11 episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)
Obviously this show is not new and I’m not recommending it as it’s been around for quite a few years now. I’m here to cancel it. That’s right, The Salty Ju cancels Love is Blind. This last season which ended mid October SUCKED. It sucked so bad that I think the entire premise has jumped the shark. Love is no longer *TRULY* blind. They couldn’t even drum up enough couples to follow this season. They’re casting people that have already dated, they’re erasing couples from the edit with no explanation, past cast members have publicly declared they were starved and emotionally abused in the process, half of the couples break up or get divorced after their final reunion or “catch-up” episode airs. It’s just all shady shit. It’s not even fun to laugh at these clowns anymore. (With the exception of the photo above, the only time I truly laughed out loud this season when they did Izzy the DIRTIEST and had him sitting like a toddler with his legs dangling as he tries to impress his future bride’s dad who thinks he’s a poor schmuck.) We will never be able to recreate the magic of Shane looked tweaked out as shit on his wedding day, try as he might to keep doing so on the interweb. Even host Vanessa Lachey pissed people off so much during the Season 4 reunion that I thought for SURE she’d get bounced and yet she was back this season after a stern meeting with HR I’m sure, as she was notably more subdued and not foaming at the mouth asking if each woman was ovulating and when they would present the first LIB child to sacrifice at the altar. At this point I can’t stand Vanessa so much that I hope the show gets cancelled just so she’s out of a job because she 100% should’ve been shit-canned after S4. So you heard it here first, LOVE IS BLIND IS DEAD.
Might I suggest an alternative? Hop on over to the Bravo universe where there are 14,000 reality shows full of dummies to immerse yourself in. Not to brag but I decided at the beginning of September that I was sick of being left out of the Summer House dramz and watched all six seasons and the two seasons of chilly spin-off Winter House in less than a month. When I put my mind to something, I really get after it. Instead of enjoying the last warm weekends of a beach summer, I was Mrs. Send It with Kyle, Amanda, Carl, and Lindsay right in my living room. Who needs real friends when you can just rip and tear it up with a gang who can afford to live in the Hamptons every summer and wreck the mansion they rent by filling the pool with tea for their 4th of July party?! If this doesn’t show you how qualified I am to deliver hot takes on the latest streaming content, I don’t know what does. Strap in for winter folks, cause it’s gonna be a long one.
The Salty Ju 