This year marks the first time I realized I’m too old for Halloween and wanted nothing to do with all of the people touching me at the bar so it is a somber post indeed. For the years to come I will judge the celebrity costumes as I sit in my own costume, on the couch. RIP Halloweekend, Gone 2 Late. But if you’d like to see what it looks like to scrap together pieces for a costume, log some serious group craft time and have a boyfriend who looks like Tim Riggins, check out this year’s costume that went underappreciated by the bar skanks grinding to remixes of Don’t Stop Believin.

I did get called out (mild spoiler alert) for cheating on Street and I’d like to clarify that we depict Season 3 Garrity and Riggins because we are moral people. Texas Forever. No Regrets. Let’s see how the celebrities with unlimited funds and a glam squad fared this year.

This is probably the least slutty costume Ariel Winter has ever worn. Kudos to her. Especially because dressing up as Pam means you don’t have HIV.

All Brandon did was put a white robe on and he nailed it.

No idea what this is but it’s pretty baller.

This made me so happy to see a family costume with teenagers. I wouldn’t have been caught dead dressing up with my parents for Halloween in high school. Props to this model fam. No but literally, they are all models.

By the looks of that sExUaL lip bite, Diddy is downright FEELIN HIMSELF as a pilot.

If I ever wanted to spend money on a latex bodysuit, I would absolutely do this costume. No shame in the showing off your figure game. TASTEFULLY of course.

Gabrielle Union does a classic celeb costume every year and she’s obviously good at it.

Cindy’s rocker costume was way better but Clooney as a pilot. Woo buddy. Step aside, Diddy.

No clue what this is but it made me laugh out loud. Oh, Harry.

Can never go wrong with a fairytale costume.

This looks like my crafting level right here. Jagged dress cut probably from a bedsheet.

Joe dressed as his fiance’s character on Game of Thrones. Interesting. Keeping the facial hair really spiced that up.

WE GET IT KENDALL. YOU’RE HOT. DRESS AS A ZOMBIE NEXT YEAR AND I’D HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR YOU.

I stan hard on LC and her annual halloween costumes but this blows. You can’t drown yourself in tulle and call yourself a moth. Get outta here.

YEP.

This is funny because I used to watch Housewives and Rinna is a psycho and everyone is jealous of Erika Jayne, badass popstar bitch. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Rinna.

Nothing like a pantsless Doc Brown

A STAR IS BORN. Clever.

Apparently this is a character from Crazy Rich Asians. Yehhh ok.

GTFO of my planet, Paris.

Nicky can take a hike with her sister, who she apparently deemed important enough to mimic as a costume. COOL, A SPARKLY DRESS. THIS IS NOT ICONIC ENOUGH. Had these pictures not been side by side, it would’ve just looked like Nicky was going out on the town.

You have Michael Jackson money, sir. Please use it.

Rita Ora has the best costume this year and there’s no contest.

I wouldn’t be surprised if these girls dressed like this on a regular basis if we’re being honest here.

Wells can GET IT as Belle. THAT WAIST.

Meh.

I’m almost positive Ryan Seacrest has been this exact costume before.

Ninja Turtle Wiz and his fake pizza are LOVING life.

Joey King had to shave her head for a role and BOY DID SHE utilize that bald head to amp up her costume.

I guess this is Michelle Trachtenberg. If I can’t even tell who you are, you’re doing Halloween right.

Netflix’s latest heartthrob going as Disney’s biggest rapey doucher? This will just not do.

Uniqueness: 10/10, Execution: 10/10, Knowing the Alphabet Skills: 5/10

Beyonce went so hard in the paint for her h-ween costume she even got her graphic designer involved. Toni Braxton obviously bowed down to her.

I came down HARD on Jonathan Cheban last year and I don’t regret it because I was genuinely concerned for his face. He probably caught wind of this and covered up this year. Looks GR8.

You’re about to see the difference between a guy post-breakup and a girl. G-Eazy slapped on some intricate makeup and probably still got laid.

Halsey went out ass naked and called it a costume. She too, probably got laid. Brava to both.

What the hell does a bedazzled mask have to do with what looks like a rape and murder victim? I am truly disturbed.

This makes my heart happy.

Lotta questions here. 1. Did Roger agree to a family costume in exchange for staying together? 2. Where is their other kid….

Leave it to Kylie Jenner to dress up with her INFANT and still look like a hoebag. Like really? As a mom you thought it was necessary to wear a leotard and tie up stillettos while matching your baby?

This year’s immediate post-halloween apology came from Shaun White. Gotta say, didn’t expect to see an OLYMPIAN dress up as a mentally retarded character but there’s one every year and it’s just downright comical to see that there are still people in the spotlight who choose insensitive costumes and are genuinely surprised when they’re forced to apologize. Dude. Dress as yourself. You won gold medals at like retirement age in the Olympics this past year. No need for a costume.

Kewl costume, Katy remember when you were a cheeto? People don’t forget. Also, I lied. This costume is dumb.

Rebel Wilson going as Wilson is prettttyyy pretty good. Plus it’s one of those costumes that you can eat a bowl full of candy before and no one will know.

Ellen on the other hand, is really getting her bang for her buck with that plastic cleavage she keeps rocking each Halloween. She’s going for Mariah Carey but I think there’s a deeper want here in the form of a boob job. (Update- apparently she was just dressing up as the Bachelorette. Whatever. Point still stands.)

The Today show went 80’s but PLOT TWIST so did Good Morning America (couldn’t find a group pic SARRY.) I want to know who immediately got fired for that. I love Willie as Ferris Bueller the most.

Also this made me laugh out loud because this is one hundo percent the face you make when you poop your pants at the white house.

I’m not really sure what blue hair and eyes have to do with Hello Kitty. At this point I just have to assume your costume is a freak.

Jack and Allie from A Star is Born. YESSSS. I’M OFF THE DEEP ENDDDDDDDDDDD.

EVERYONE SLOBBER ALL OVER HEIDI KLUM BECAUSE SHE INVENTED HALLOWEEN. (Dope costume tho.)

THIS IS HOW YOU DRESS UP WITH YOUR CHILD. TAKE NOTES, KYLIE.

Mariah’s real cleavage in a roleplay costume.

THIS IS AWESOME. NPH and co strike again!

Dressing like a showgirl but calling yourself the Queen of Hearts. Yah ok.

LET’S SEE THE BABY’S FACE! COME ON!!! WHO’S THE DAD?! Either way, cute costume obv.

Majestic.

A rare Kardashian compliment because I’m about to tear them all to shreds. This is perfect.

The fact that these bholes treat Halloween like a 9 look fashion show and got THE ACTUAL ANGEL WINGS AND LINGERIE just so that they could have their bits on display for the millionth time ever. COME ON. THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY. I DON’T NEED TO SEE YOUR VAGINA, KIM.

Ok I’m calm again. Reese brought me back down with a normal Halloween costume a mother would wear.

LOOK AT THE WIDDLE PUPPY BAYBAY!!!!

This is a real trick or treating commitment right there.

Neither of these kids were Boo, the cutest cartoon character ever to be created and I feel like that’s a missed opportunity. Mini monsters is also adorbs though.

This is how I will trick or treat with my oopsie kids. WINE ALWAYZ.

YUP. Couples costume with your dog. Nailed it.

Scary indeed.

Not gonna lie I want that leotard.

So I guess I’m just not up with the youths these days but Halloween is literally just dressing up in a costume and doing a photoshoot. Didn’t even need to subject myself to strangers at the bar this past weekend. Could’ve just insta’ed my costume.

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENie