Pop Culture

Flying is for the Birds

Since I’ve been a real lazymonster on the blog-o-sphere lately, I’m doing that thing again where I post a throwback blog that I wrote before I had an actual blog. Here’s my words about flying from 2014. This is especially ironic because 2014 Julia couldn’t handle a half hour flight to Philly under gusty conditions yet 2018 Julia just spent 10 hours on an airplane each way. Brings a tear to my eye to see how far I’ve come. Mahalo.

Ok so yes, flying is super safe these days and people say that it’s more safe than driving and people also say that planes basically fly themselves…which is supposed to be comforting, but also DO WE REALLY WANT TO PUT OUR LIVES ON THE FUNCTIONALITY OF COMPUTERS? Just a thought. So anyway as you can probably tell, flying makes me shit my pants pretty regularly, and flying with my 1000x more paranoid sister only exacerbates this. In addition to that, recently I had the great pleasure of flying on the smallest plane I’ve ever flown on, in windy conditions. This plane had 50 people maximum on it and I sat in the last seat and could see straight into the cockpit. Also I had mono or some similar virus that the doctors still have yet to identify, so that’s another story for another day. Basically it comes down to the fact that I was NOT on top of my game on this particular 3-day casj trip to Florida.

What I would like to address is 1. How does everyone in the world stay so calm when there’s abrasive turbulence? Like you’re in the air and the entire plane is shaking around town, but like there’s nothing underneath you. And when things are bopping, I usually look around with a panicked stare and people are sleeping, typing on their laptops or roaming around the airplane like it’s a playground. Like just sit down and think you’re going to die like a normal person.

And the second thing I’d like to address is the pilot. First of all, I’d like anyone with information to let me know how old one must be to become a pilot, because I’m fairly certain that BOTH pilots on my miniature flight were under 16. Is that even legal? I’m already terrified that I will plummet to a fiery death in a plane built for infants and now I have to see two high school kids stroll into the cockpit? Not cool. Also what is it with pilots taking dicey weather conditions and making them sound casual over the loudspeaker? It was windy as shit both days I was flying but instead of just saying to everyone, “Hey folks, it’s windy as shit and these take offs and landings will be rough city, in addition to the fact that while we’re in the air we will be ricocheting side to side,” Evan and McLovin have to use a thesaurus to find every non-threatening way to say that. We heard everything from “it will be a bit gusty” to “slightly choppy conditions will make for a less than smooth landing.” And those “breaths of wind” are exactly the reason why I ended up in my sister’s lap with my arms tangled UNDERNEATH her legs whilst landing.

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