Oh, did you think this annual Jersey adventures recap blog was going to stop at year two? That’s cute. If anything, I’ve upped the ante by creating GardenStateGoofin, an account SPECIFICALLY for all of my Jerseylicious dalliances. All jokes aside, I will make a Grade A effort to be much briefer in this year-long summary of activities than I have in years past. Key word being effort. Sure, I can’t sit still and if I don’t have an activity planned for a weekend my head nearly explodes, but also, I get that not every activity is worthy of a never-ending ramble. That being said, while the stuff I share through my content on IG/TikTok is all positive vibes because no one wants to be tagged in a “your place stinks” post, you know you can count on me to keep it real over here and serve the tea. Let’s dive in to year 3 in Jersey, year 1 living in a beach town!*
*If I may quickly address this, obviously the biggest difference this past year was that I finally achieved my dream of living at the beach. And if you read my Side Hustlin Hack blog, you know it hasn’t been easy to maintain the beach lifestyle in this economy. I have to be both a penny pincher and work multiple jobs to hang onto this dream for dear life. So, I just wanted to say for realsies how grateful I am to be here and I’ve tried not to take any of it for granted because I also know what it’s like to get laid off and have to move back home. I’ve spent a lot of time this year appreciating not only the town I live in but also the condo I’ve landed as well – can’t beat my peaceful balcony view of boats passing through the canal! Basically romanticizing every little thing that I do like I’m the main character of a romance novel has become my way of life and I’ve loved it so much and also would love it if my romantic co-star would enter stage left now and whisk me and my beach cruiser right into the sunset. Kthxbyeeeeeeee!
Last Swim at The Jersey Shore.
Please mark Aug 13th on your calendars as the triumphant day that I returned to the ocean to overcome my recent fear of swimming here and also the traumatic experience of almost dying and declaring that I’ll never go back in. A real rollercoaster of emotions on this day. I have revealed to many friends (and probably all of you at some point too) that I’ve never been afraid of swimming in the ocean, but I’m also not overly confident about it either. I grew up vacationing in Jersey and Cape Cod and always went swimming with my Dad and older sister (my middle sister quit the ocean before she reached double digits when she learned fish poop and pee in it.) I won’t say I’m a strong swimmer by any means, but I floated around and enjoyed a dip or two on the occasional summer vacay. In 2018 I went on vacay to Wildwood and was taught how to boogie board and pee in the ocean. One small step for man, one GIANT leap for The Ocean Ju. Here’s proof of me being a Jersey Shore ocean lover back in the day (and an awkward bird, sick dino arms, lil Ju):
Upon moving here, I went in by myself with some rough surf post-hurricane, got womped a few times, and was like eh, I’m all set. Psyched myself right out and from August of 2021 to August of 2022, I never went in further than my shins and would just do a little splish splash whore’s bath to cool down. Let me also share that in that year span I took trips to Jamaica and Siesta Key where the water is calm, warm, and pretty clear and had no issues doing a nice salt water soak with my dad. It was just the Jersey Shore that had me on the ocean fritz. Where the water is not clear, the waves can be pretty rough, and I’m by myself 98% of the time so if I were to struggle or drown no one would be looking out for me. Sure, there’s lifeguards but also they’re more focused on the children rather than the woman in her thirties who should know how to swim by now. So my friend took me to the beach on August 13th and said, you’re gonna get in the water. And I accepted this challenge, mostly because the only option for peeing was a disgusting port-a-potty. I’d rather die. The first round in was lovely. I peed, I floated, I got an actual cool-down at the beach instead of just melting on my chaise lounge for hours. I came back and took this v. excited selfie as proof and sent it to my whole family to say I DID IT! I SWAM IN THE OCEAN! (Similar to me screaming I’M DOING IT the first time I peed in the ocean as a fully grown adult.)
The over-confidence was what killed me. I approached round 2 like an old pro. Like I’d been doing this every day and not like I just went in the ocean for the first time in years. I got too big for my britches and flew too close to the sun. I was floating and whizzing away and then I felt like maybe the waves were starting to get bigger than I was ready for. So I decided to exit earlier than my friend. I swam to shore and just as I was standing up a wave came at me full force and knocked me down, pulled my bottoms down to my ankles and rolled me underwater. Was I held down for 5 seconds or 5 minutes? Hard to say but my life flashed before my eyes and I thought about Annemarie in Blue Crush hitting her head off the rock and I was like well this is it for me, hope my friend enjoys finding me dead in the water with my bare ass in the air. As soon as I could, I resurfaced, pulled my bottoms back up and skedaddled back to my chair to act calm, cool & collected and pretend like I meant to do that and definitely didn’t just think I was going to die bottomless in 1 inch of water. Obviously, we are done with the ocean. (In New Jersey ONLY…I dipped in Florida again this spring where the waves don’t try to kill you repeatedly on 10 second timer. )
Rooftop Movie at The Baronet (Asbury Park)
This was originally suggested to me from a guy on hinge, and it IS an adorable date night idea, but that’s clearly not the journey I was meant to take here. I kept an eye on their schedule for the summer and when a movie I hadn’t seen yet popped up, I went…solo of course. Parking is a real bitch in Asbury and I’d say that’s the only downside to this. Otherwise, catching Top Gun 2 on the roof overlooking Asbury Park with an ocean breeze on a summer night Labor Day Weekend was a top-notch experience. Tickets were around $12, I brought my own beach chair, blanket, & tumbler of wine and sprung for fresh popcorn. Would definitely go back if I had interest in seeing another one of their movies. Could’ve for sure done without the couple who showed up late, pulled chairs together directly in front of me and unloaded a feast of Chinese food. Not only did they block my carefully curated perfect view, but their food stunk and they were annoying. If you get the vibe that people ruin my experiences more often than anything else, you’d be absolutely correct because we need a new plague.
Lobster Roll from Point Lobster (Point Pleasant)
I really want to love lobster and I try it every single time thinking this will be the time that I do, and it always ends up tasting fishy to me. Point Lobster’s Lobster Roll was recommended to me because of the copious amounts of butter they use. I’m never going to say no to anything dripping in butter. So at Point’s Seafood Festival last fall, I budgeted the $20 for this teeny tiny roll and deleted it in seconds. Can confirm, it is delicious. Can also confirm I threw twenty dollars away on something that was equivalent (filling-wise) to eating a few oyster crackers.
Sea Hear Now (Asbury Park)
Although I’m not a music festival girlie, and I certainly would never spend hundreds of dollars for two full business days of music when I don’t know half the bands, I was given the opp to sit on a patio adjacent to the festival to hear the headliner, which happened to be The Killers on night 1 of Sea Hear Now last summer. I wasn’t able to see the stage, but I could hear it now and when faintly off in the distance I heard the opening notes of Mr. Brightside, I asked everyone around me if they were playing that on the loudspeakers at the restaurant to warm up the crowd. To which everyone replied: no idiot, that’s The Killers starting their set and WHAT A BOLD MOVE. Honestly that’s why I thought it was the radio because who the hell OPENS with their biggest hit that everyone wants to hear?! Obviously a hipster band that wants to weed out the fairweather fans up front. I enjoyed singing along to the distant music, then I enjoyed even more double fisting for the rest of the evening, taking a bunch of drunk videos of people leaving the festival at the end of the night and then trying to become a bouncer at the next bar we went to. I think that’s about as close as I’ll ever get to attending a music festival and I’m good with that. I can’t imagine paying to have strangers crowding my personal space on a sweaty beach as they mosh to the whitest party song known to man.
9/11 Memorial (NYC)
I know NY is not NJ…but, the city was a cool 6 hour drive from where I grew up, so realistically, it took me moving here to actually have a lot of NYC experiences, therefore I’ll lump them in. I’m not a museum gal by any means, but I had always wanted to check out the 9/11 Memorial and Museum because my perspective of that day is WILDLY different and far removed from anyone who lives here. I wanted to see and hear the stories I missed the first time around and really view it through the lense of an adult rather than the 10 year old who saw some pictures here and there but never really fully grasped the weight of that day. My dad agreed to go with me and I can confidently say neither one of us would recommend this to anyone else. It was overwhelming at the very least. There was SO much to take in, and really it wasn’t a great setup to be able to consume everything that was being presented. The museum starts with the history and a lot of structural information about the World Trade Center itself, which wasn’t really interesting to me but not really having an idea of what was ahead, we took our time reading and going through this.
You kind of wind your way down into what is essentially the basement where all of the personal effects and debris and stories are. And there are SO many, obviously. So not only do you feel kind of trapped down there (a feeling I imagine was thought out when designing this setup) but it also feels like you’ll never resurface. There’s audio clips playing on loop of newscasters reporting, emergency services calls, actual voicemails from the victims, etc, etc, etc. It’s jarring and sensory overload and that’s just the sounds. On top of that there’s things to look at and LOTS to read. Each piece has its own plaque with a story. As this place was OVERFLOWING with tourists, you can imagine how stressful it is to stand and try to read something in size 12 font on a placard as people push you to also get closer and read it or what I noticed a lot of people doing, stepping in front of me to take a picture of the plaque as if they’re going to sit down later and go through the museum on their phone. It sucked and I was over it only about halfway through consuming it. I wasn’t retaining any of the actual stories because they were everywhere I looked and it was too hard to actually process anything. Then on top of feeling claustrophobic and like I didn’t know when we would come up for air, Apple decided to play a mean prank and do a test “emergency notification” while we were in there, which means everyone’s phones emitted that terrifying alarm sound at the same time and I 100% panicked and was convinced we were experiencing a 9/11 style attack of the remains of the original. So yeah, all in all, not for me.
Concert at Madison Square Garden (NYC)
Nothing brings you back up after reliving the most catastrophic terrorist attack on American soil than hitting up MSG for the first time to see John Mayer tickle those guitar strings for the second time. Even though Den and I were sitting basically up in the rafters (twas all I could afford), it was still a great venue and John Mayer knows how to put on a damn show. It was his acoustic tour and he made sure to remind everyone in the room that he knows his way around a musical instrument. Unfortunately, the tool behind us wanted to also remind all of us that he thinks he’s a phenomenal singer as he ONLY sang harmony to John for the entire show, trying to impress whatever date he conned into going with him. I hope she deleted his number immediately afterward. It was on the ole bucket list to catch Billy Joel at his MSG residency, but wouldn’t you know he decided to end it last month (selfish of him, TBH) making his ticket prices even MORE outrageous than they normally were this past year since everyone knew his time was coming to a close. THANKS A LOT, WILLIAM.
Ocean County Park (Lakewood)
You’ll pretty much only ever catch me exploring a new park during fall when I wanna peep the shit outta those leaves. Now that I’m in a different area, I relied on google to give me a park that *didn’t* consist only of hiking trails (paved path or I don’t go) and this was the winner. So I took Chuck on a rare weekend it wasn’t downpouring in October so we could appreciate some sassy orange leaves. Well, apparently we were way past peak and the showings were grim. Don’t know that I’d ever head back to this park, mostly because as we were getting in the car, I was approached by a stranger danger who seemed to have been loitering around the parking lot waiting to chat it up with someone and I was the clear winner. I got this man’s life story in a very brief amount of time and was also swindled into taking his number because as a millennial, my cellphone is never not in my hand, which really screws me over for any “oh I don’t have it with me” or similar lies to get out of exchanging numbers with someone you absolutely never wish to speak to again. So that’s how I found myself learning that he lives right across the street from the park and vowing to never step foot in this park again for as long as I live. He also did indeed text me after the fact. I may be eternally single, but I really know how to attract lonely old men! So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.
Historic Smithville
A day trip spot that has often popped up in my searches, I trekked down there for one of my many gov holidays in November. It’s one of those classic “stepped back in time” little cluster of shops, restaurants, and outdoor space. Immediately felt like I forgot my bonnet at home and should be churning butter.
Instead, I took a billion photos, made some unnecessary purchases in the little boutiques and then saddled up to the bar for a solo wine tasting of course. Where I then got *just* buzzed enough to buy a $30 bottle of wine to take home for Thanksgiving. #SupportLocal. Did I personally fund the Village Greene that day? Probably. It was an adorable little fall excursion full of weird chicken/duck hybrid animals trolling around and also it would’ve been 18 million times more enjoyable if I had a buddy (read: huz) to share it with. As my therapist likes to remind me…both things can be true. Is this the theme of my life right now? Ya duh. PS I made the sole cashier at the florist leave the store to take photos of me with these wings. I apologized maybe 800 times for doing so. We literally had to wait for customers to leave so it wasn’t a free-for-all. But look how snatched I look in that skort poppin that leg with those giant wings? WORTH IT.
Count Basie Theater (Red Bank)
Seemed odd to be heading to the Count Basie to see a comedian who I discovered through TikTok, but those were the circumstances. Much like Smithville, this theater is a relic of the past and very historic-looking. My friend and I sat in the last row because that’s what $14 tickets the day of show will get you. We laughed at Trey Kennedy singing and mocking how stupid people are with a special side-show of the stupid woman in front of us hurling all over the floor then bouncing, leaving the cleanup on aisle barf for us remaining survivors of her carnage to manage. It was an evening I’ll never forget.
Cape May Christmas Parade
If a town is going to go hard in the paint for Christmas, I’m going to do my best to be present for the occasion. My godparents go to the Cape May Christmas Parade every year, and my mom and I decided to join this year. I’ve been to Cape May before at Christmas time so I knew they turned their adorable Victorian downtown into a festive dream, but I hadn’t caught the parade, where people put out beach chairs midday to save their spot and then just drink and eat as floats and dancers roll by all night long. As much fun as it is cheering for the local VFW’s decorated pick-up truck, gallivanting around Cape May drinking, eating, and shopping with my family was the real highlight of this excursion. Also scream singing Taylor Swift at Carney’s with a total stranger. And getting into an Uber that for sure had puke all over the door. And spending a night in the 5-star Sandbox Motel of Wildwood.
When we checked in earlier in the day, the owner/receptionist/manager/party enthusiast was for SURE still drunk, there were a bunch of people loitering by the front door and he said everyone was cool and they’re all regulars, so it’s a fun time and things tend to get loose with this crew. He referenced drinking no less than 10 more times during our check-in, handed us our key and just as we were about to let ourselves in, a kid comes RUNNING up to make sure we had a table outside of our room. In December. Once I saw all of our fellow motel homies sitting at their outdoor tables smoking cigs (or not cigs), I understood the company we were keeping at the Sandbox. We were invited several times to mix it up in Room 5 where everyone ends up at the end of the night. Committed to the bit, I was willing to do so but when we returned at midnight, Room 5 was dark. We outpartied the degenerates. Please enjoy the tour of our room, the swan towel really sent me.
Now here’s the movie theater production of the same 24 hours. See how easy it is to paint a completely different picture than getting sauced in a Santa hat and sharing a bed in a questionable motel with your mom?! That’s some Scorcese magic, BB.
Bluebird Farm Alpacas (Peapack)
December is when I started GardenStateGoofin and thus upped the ante with my content. My very first video was Cape May and I really leaned in hard to the cinematic feature on my new iPhone 14. This video is no different. Also, #grateful for the 60 degree December which made it a real joy to beebop and take a stroll with alpacas. This experience was absolutely a one and done. I learned MUCH later that there’s an alpaca farm in the town next to me and I really didn’t need to roadtrip an hour to kick it with farm animals, but I feel like it made the experience more authentic. My friend and I learned some alpaca fun facts, then we had ample time to kick it with them in their pens with bags full of food where my friend showed how seamlessly skilled she was at grabbing a selfie with these majestic creatures and every time I pulled my camera out near one they dodged me like total a*holes. Some of us are just more gifted at selfie’ing with animals than others. If I sound jelly it’s cause I am. Then came the walk and walk is a generous term, folks. Imagine walking your dog but it’s 150 lbs and just wants to eat grass and tell you to F off. We walked maybe 4 ft with them. The activity should’ve been called “bring an alpaca to eat grass and force it to pose for photos.” But now I can say I walked an alpaca and I have the piccies and vids to prove it and THAT’S REALLY ALL THAT MATTERS. TYSM JUNO AND PANCHO. PALS 4 LIFE.
Christmas at Palmer Square (Princeton)
Hey, here’s the tea. If you ever see on ANY list that one of the top Christmas cities in New Jersey is Princeton, you tell that list to buzz right off. I lived it, I saw it, it’s NOT. They paint pictures of ice skating and a giant Christmas tree and cozy little boutiques just like NYC. Well there’s only one Big Apple twin in Jersey and we all know it’s Freehold. Princeton has a 2 block radius of adorable-ness before it turns into a ghost-town and within that little square, there WAS a big tree, but that was about it. Their ice skating rink was embarrassing. My friend and I committed to trying out ice skating for the first time, picturing that it was going to be like Rockefeller and when we laid eyes on the iced over sandbox that they were charging people to skate on, we laughed out loud. No joke it took us 30 minutes of circling to even find it tucked behind a hotel, barely visible. I mean if we got on that ice we could’ve touched each end with arms outstretched. Big YIKES to Princeton’s Christmas game. That didn’t stop me from making an adorbs false advertising video because I wasn’t about to waste a trip with no content and I was trying to build my account. If there’s a lesson to be learned here it’s obviously don’t believe everything you see on social media, including mine.
Last Wave Brewing (Point Pleasant)
Full disclosure, I had been to Last Wave before, but I’ve never walked there with Charlee from my home. I chose the first snowstorm of the year to do so. Charlee gets exercise, I get to take blizz photos to capture the ONLY time snow is beautiful, and then I treat myself to a beer halfway through the walk. We all win. Charlee didn’t really though because there’s nothing she hates more than being in a place full of people and being leashed away from them. Homegirl is real social and just wants to be able to greet all at her leisure. Breweries may be dog friendly but they’re not down with letting your dog roam free and honestly I think they should reconsider (for Charlee only.) I awkwardly stood near a barrel directly on top of the bathroom because the place was packed and spent the next hour trying to keep Charlee from pulling me toward people while also spilling my beer from her jerky movements. It was SUPER fun. Brewery is great, my dog in a brewery? Not suh much. Tough stuff, lesson learned. S/O to the woman behind the bar who came over and intervened at one point because a group of touchy kids wouldn’t leave Chooch alone and she noticed how uncomfy she seemed. Girls supporting girls.
Hot Chocolate Walk (Red Bank)
This was advertised as a Hot Chocolate Walk and stupid me pictured Saratoga Chowderfest and deemed it a can’t-miss. You can tell it’s the dead of winter and peak seasonal depression when I’m willing to drive 45 minutes for drinking hot chocolate outside. If you’ve noticed a theme of me latching onto something and over-hyping it, you know what comes next. There was no Hot Chocolate Walk. In a small boutique that sold jewelry and art, we met a polar bear who (I swore I wouldn’t tell anyone but the statute of limitations has passed) talked to us and told us they had free hot chocolate inside. We got a lukewarm cup of Swiss Miss after pretending to be interested in making a purchase there. No one else was serving hot chocolate. No one was even outside. It was a true ghost town. Be better, Red Bank.
American Dream Mall / TILT Museum (East Rutherford)
Waited for my girlypops to get here for the drive into North Jersey for their version of the Mall of America. The mall itself is a mall, there’s fancy wings with stores that are above our pay grade, and then stores you would see at any other mall. They had a whole floor that was decked out like a winter wonderland which I creamed my jeans for. Majestic. An ice skating rink, a ferris wheel, a water park, legoland, etc. Those attractions all came with their own admission fee and we decided to go for the TILT Museum instead, which is a 3-D art attraction within our budget. You take a spin around (doesn’t take super long) and they tell you where to stand to take a picture or video of you interacting with the art. For an Insta-hooch like me, this was a dream. Since lil Kenz is an insta-hooch in training, she was on board as well. I mean, honestly if you don’t want a photo surfing a hot dog over NYC, you have a giant dump in your pants. It was a fun, unique activity and I definitely recommend it to anyone looking for something different to do.
Wish Upon a Jar (Point Pleasant)
Just down the street from me is an adorbsies little spot where you pick out your pottery, pay for the item, and then embrace your inner Picasso and paint away. You can bring your own food or beveraginos (adult or otherwise) and let the creative juices flow. It was the perfect activity for Kenz to get crafty, but to be perfectly honest, us adults found it incredibly soothing and I’d do it again anytime. Here’s our masterpieces.
Bury the Hatchet (Freehold)
I told my friends that I wanted to go to a gun range and we settled for weapons that can still harm you but probably won’t kill you. Whatever. Buncha pussies. Really it was just an opportunity for me to try something, be bad at it, then immediately be over it and more thoroughly entertained by demanding they take photos of me with the neon signs. Classic Ju. I still was a good sport and tossed every weapon at least one time before giving up. Still think this is better than bowling, but probably not as great as poppin caps.
Tall Oaks Brewery (Farmingdale)
Celebrated the first random hot day (followed by 2 full months of cold and rain before the sun made an appearance again) by having a good ole fashioned girls day at the newest brewery. This spot has the perfect outdoor space and if we had dogs with a quarter of the energy, probably would’ve been calm and pleasant. But alas, our girlypups are bursting with youthful exuberance and must sniff everything and everyone. So it was a Sunday of managing the dogs and managing to still catch a quick buzz in the sunshine. The owners were a real dream and tolerated us definitely overstaying our welcome. They’ve even continued to support Goofin on social media, which I quickly learned is the difference between a business I visit one time, and a business I’ll become loyal AF to. As someone in the social media game, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to acknowledge content when you’re tagged (a like, comment, or even share if you’re feeling generous.) Yet the amount of free promo I’ve given places and they still ignore it completely. DEAD TO ME. So when someone goes the extra mile to show some love for my efforts, they’re a friend for life. Tall Oaks being one of them.
Deep Cut Gardens (Middletown)
Really jumped the gun on Deep Cut because I was so hard up for bloom season. It wasn’t a TOTAL waste because the greenhouse part is all-seasons, but the exterior of this place was grim as hell in mid-March. I made a vow to go back in the summer when the outdoor garden would be poppin but honestly nothing sounded less appealing than giving up a good beach day to drive an hour to a garden. So, it is what it is. Did it bring me a lot of joy to see bright florals on a cold, windy spring day? Sure did.
Ocean Casino Resort (Atlantic City)
For my birthday this year, my sister and I heavily researched a number of weekend destinations driving distance for us both and after seeing the prices of those destinations and doing a quick reality check, we concluded that a Thursday night in AC was more aligned with our income bracket. Plus, my sister had never experienced AC and thought it was glam like Palm Springs, and I REALLY needed to be front row for the glass to shatter on that rosy theory. Witnessing her disgust as we stood in a Dunkin Donuts in downtown AC next to several homeless people AND got hit up for cash mid-breakfast was v satisfying. Unfortunately for my long-standing birthday curse, the weather was freezing monsoon in NJ and tropical summer breeze in Syracuse. ‘Cause of course. Kinda put a damper on my carefully crafted research of which places we could hit up along the boardwalk on my birthday bender as we were stuck exclusively in Ocean Casino Resort for the night unless we wanted to literally blow into the ocean. The resort itself is very nice. It’s brand new, so there’s only *some* suspicious stains on the carpeting rather than the entire place smelling like a stale cigarette and looking like a 50 year old jizz stain.
However, the crowd was dead as dead could be on a Thursday night a week before MDW. It’s not like we were there on a Monday in January. I mean I was wearing a walking sparkly billboard that said BUY ME A DRINK and not one person offered. Got a lot of shouted HAPPY BIRTHDAY’s which is good for NOTHIN. Get me drunk or get the hell out of my face. We played the slots, had some drinks, ate the finest cuisine (Wahlburgers), and then excitedly got into our matching espresso martini jam-jams and ate pringles until we fell asleep.
A Shore Summer Night with a Bunch of Mascots
For as much as I babble stories on every medium imaginable, I don’t know that I’ve ever written out the Mr. & Mrs. Met saga. In my first year as The Jersey Ju, I made it to Citi Field for the first time and declared that I absolutely needed to meet the Mr & Mrs and my godfather informed me that’s reserved for the people who fork over the big bucks for suites or private parties. So I settled for watching them trumpet all over the dugout when Diaz came out and immediately zoned in on the fact that Mrs. Met is draggin a wagon and can twerk like nobody’s biz. I proceeded to go to Citi 3 or 4 more times that year and never laid eyes on those giant bobbing baseballs up close and personal. Year 2, just after I published last year’s blog, I hit up my last game of the season with the whole fam dam. Lurking in one of the clubs we had access to because my sister is VIP, my dad caught wind of the iconic duo cutting through to their next excursion. My dad was overserved to say the least at this game, and had no problem flinging himself at them and asking if they’d take a picture with me. I would fawn over how my dad made my dreams come true, but he then wedged himself into said picture while chomping on a soft pretzel and I had to crop him out because he was also ruining my dreams. So was Mrs. Met, who saw Mr. Met stop for a photo, and bootscooted right over to the escalator, giving me a swan wave as she descended. With that gliding exit, she became my white whale.
On opening day this year I said I was coming for her. My first game of the season was dollar dawg night and in between jamming franks into my furter hole, I caught Mr & Mrs making the rounds at the top of a section. I ran right up to Mrs. Met, and said CAN I GET A SELFIE? She nodded her head yes and as I snapped the pic she walked away. ICE COLD. Now it was personal. I was going to get this twatwaffle if it was the last thing I did. Luckily for me, the happiest couple in baseball made a special trip to my backyard probably to drum up some fans because the Mets were stinkin up the joint. And I said COME TO MAMA! I rounded up a crew (someone I had never hung out with before, always good to have a brand new friend get a front row seat to your lunacy) and declared to my loved ones that if she gave me the Heisman one more time I’d swan dive right into the ocean. Within the first half hour of the event, I caught her going into the back for a cool-down and basically screamed right in her bulbous face asking for a picture. She obliged because she probably thought I’d burn the place down if she didn’t. And she was not wrong. And then I texted that picture to literally everyone who had been following this saga and said I GOT HER. And that folks, is how you turn taking a picture with a mascot into an Olympic sport. I had theories about how Mr. Met was a man of the people and Mrs. Met is probably supposed to act harder to get. The mascot handler really had a good laugh at that one. He was also probably entertaining me for fear of my mental stability. Whatevs. I got what I wanted.
After reaching the summit of a 3 year long quest, I was euphoric, and it was a summer night down the shore and that’s how I found myself accidentally having the exact classic Jersey Shore bar experience I was looking for when I went to Bar A 2 years ago. And those are the BEST kind of nights. I drowned myself in cucumber vodka, I danced to my favorite 90’s cover band and told them after their set that I was their biggest fan in a definitely creepy way, I complimented some guy wearing a shirt that said “stuffing wieners in faces since 2005”, I got a dirty look from his girlfriend, and I kicked it with an entire group of dressed up characters loudly wondering if any of them were attractive underneath their sweaty giant heads. I distinctly remember screaming to my gal pals “we should do this every weekend this summer!” And then I woke up the next morning with an anvil on my head and looked at how much money I spent and never did that again for the rest of the summer.
Beach Yoga at Tiki Bar (Point Pleasant)
This is more me patting myself on the back than anything else. Back in January, my dad and I went to B2 Bistro and our waitress was so fun and cool that I immediately wanted to be her friend but I settled for being her friend on IG and following along her yoga and photography journey. In summer she posted about holding beach yoga sessions and though I have never once done yoga, I AM obsessed with the beach. Looking for a reason to get out and be social and also maybe not be a fat slob all summer, I messaged her and asked how hard it was. I’ve got a real knack for turning a group fitness class into a war zone and I figured this would be no different. I got a foot cramp and almost keeled over in a Pilates class, I knocked a kid’s glasses off in a Zumba class, and the one spin class I took, I pretended to adjust the knob for more resistance when in reality I was barley staying on that v uncomfortable seat. Needless to say, I’m uncoordinated AF and it’s best that I flail in the privacy of my own home with a YouTube workout video. Obv she told me it was a gentle practice and to come anyway. And even though I had anxiety about it and I felt weird and I’m not athletic NOR flexible, I said OK! I was terrible at it. I had no clue what I was doing and my favorite part was the end when you get to lie on your back with your eyes closed and she came over and gave me a head massage. BUT I DID IT! And everyone was super friendly, she was a great instructor, I started my day at the beach, and it was good for me to push myself and be active. And I did it one more time and didn’t get any better but still felt proud of myself for making an effort, and then summer happened and it was either 900 degrees or pouring hurricane rains. So, maybe in the fall.
Boat Ride & Fireworks (Brick)
In year 3 I befriended someone with a boat. LUCKY ME! Always make sure your friends have money or belongings that can bring you up into another tier of society, otherwise they’re not worth being friends with. I’M KIDDING. But I am grateful for my first boating experience in Jersey, because I got to watch the dreamiest sunset and then fireworks over the water on the perfect summer night. Previously, I’ve only boated on lakes in Upstate NY on the rare occurrence when I’ve secured an invite on a friend’s boat and the biggest difference I’ve noticed between lakes and ocean is that lakes the boat barely moves and ocean it bobs around and makes me want to hurl over the side. So that’s always a good thing to learn when you’re on the boat with a bunch of people who are not experiencing debilitating nausea. Keeping my fingies crossed that I just need to tackle this head-on and get used to the motion of the ocean.
Argos Farm (Forked River)
My most recent adventure and another fail for the books. If you want to peep sunflowers in Jersey, Holland Ridge Farms, which I visited my first year is definitely top dog. Happy Day Farm, also a first year adventure would probably be a good bet as well (the sunflowers were already passed by the time I went for blueberry picking.) After seeing Argos sunflower selection, I’d say guh head and skip this one. First of all, the sunflowers were dead as hell. Which is no fault of the farm, that’s just weather, baby. But nothin worse than seeing a bunch of sunnies hanging their heads. On top of that, an employee asked us to watch her admission stand while she left for a few minutes. Sorry, but if I wanted to work here I would’ve applied for a job not purchased a one-time ticcie, miss thang. And the rest of the farm was really catered to small children and also incredibly empty on the day we went, which made it look even sadder. There was no booze to be had, which honestly should be a staple at this point. Even if families are attending, let the parents sauce it up a little while they tolerate their kids saying MOM WATCH ME for the 9 billionth time on the giant slide, or trampoline, or zipline. We were promised by the owner that their Fall Festival is their real bang piece and also includes a brewery, so I’m not counting out future vizzies to Argos, but I certainly didn’t need to catch their Sunflower Fest.
F Coved It Up
Snuck in another first right at the buzzer by getting on aforementioned friend’s boat and cruising over to F Cove on a Saturday afternoon. I bought dramamine and was ready to go until every person I was with told me I’d basically roofie myself if I took that and drank. So we cut out the drugs and I prayed I wouldn’t be the only one booting in F Cove *not* from booze. Happy to report I didn’t get nauseous OR blow chunks! Am I basically Skipper now? Pretty much. And after hearing for many summers about how F Cove is basically TRL Spring Break in a very small stretch of definitely pee-infested waters, I was prepped to see some sloppy. And honestly, everyone kept their shit together while we were there, which was disappointing to say the least. The spiciest spotting was a girl in a Trump 2024 bikini barely covering her big ole floppy cans and b*hole shimmying on a waverunner with boxes of pizza. I don’t know if she was selling the pizza or just showing us that she had it and we didn’t, but it was a real close call that we didn’t catch nip dumping out of that teeny tiny bikini. Good thing Trump’s name is so short. Though I have seen boats n hoes before, I’d never seen a pizza boat. And that was pretty great. Next time, I’m getting a pie while I float.
NJ Restaurant Hot Takes:
- Nicholas Creamery – as a diehard soft serve girlie, this the ONLY place I’ve loved hard ice cream AND corn-flavored ice cream. Don’t question it, just do it.
- Shore Fresh – Get literally anything here, it’s all delish. I’ve had crabcake, clams casino, steamed clams, lobster bisque, & clam chowder. All a delight.
- B2 Bistro – Was nervous to try their sushi but it was divine.
- Jersey Shore BBQ – Awesome burnt ends & brisket. Mac and cheese has been hit or miss on the soupiness.
- Divi Tree Coffee Co – Bomb PEC & coffee.
- Point Lobster – Ordered a lobster bake for the first time. Had all of the regrets in the world. Honestly almost puked from dissecting it to eat and ended up with lobster in my hair and under my nails. Stick to their lobster roll.
- Shogun Legends – Very good sushi.
- Bad Hat – One of those places where the portions are minuscule and you leave hangry.
- Pop’s Diner – BEST home fries in the game. Perfect crispiness.
- Sinner’s Steakhouse – I tomahawked and I never want to not tomahawk again.
- Charlie’s – Way too fancy for me. I’m an uncultured swine and don’t want 4500 ingredients in my meal.
- Broad St. Dough Co. – Two words: CHURRO BITES.
- River Rock – Don’t eat here.
Continued Quest to find Jersey’s Best Spressy
Just gonna copy/paste what I wrote last year because it’s the best description I’ve ever given: For those who are new to my rating system, I’ll remind you that much like Whose Line Is it Anyway, it’s a game where everything is made up and the points don’t matter. If I get a nice bartender, score goes up, if there are an incorrect number of beans, score takes a dive, if I’m already drunk, well it could really go either way. This year’s *most surprising* top spot is Broadway Bar & Grill. Never would’ve thought a dive bar could give good head. The Mainstay was another sleeper hit, mostly because moments before I tasted their espresso martini, I had one of the most disgusting cocktails of my life that also happened to be neon green. Nevertheless, this quest will continue til I’m 6 ft under, trick.
Since starting GardenStateGoofin in December, I’ve posted two videos a week except for the week I was in Florida when I gave myself a true vacation from all of my hustles. You’re probably thinking, WOW you’re amazing, you’ve created 75 posts AND organically grown your following each month while also doing a full-time job and also Door Dashing and Rovering (for January & February) and also scheduling all the social media each week for an agency (from February to present) and also getting 3 humor pieces published and also blogging on The Salty Ju occasionally and also keeping your dog alive and also keeping yourself alive and also TRYING TO HAVE FUN AND ENJOY LIFE?! And to that I say, YUP. I AM amazing. I also get paid for exactly 2 of those things I just mentioned, my FT and my PT. So am I amazing or just plain dumb? Don’t answer that.
What’s important here is that the things I enjoy doing the most are the things very few care about and certainly won’t be paying any billz anytime soon. But realistically, if I started to get paid for any of these passion projects, they would become a job and thus be soul-sucking. I appreciate anyone who is reading this or who follows along on my variety of accounts and is somewhat entertained so that my efforts aren’t completely wasted. That being said, considering I did spend a whole lot of time these past 9 months making videos quite literally every time I stepped outside of my house, I’ll gently nudge you to cruise on over to @GardenStateGoofin on Instagram or TikTok and see what I’ve been up to! And HERE WE GO, let’s keep Goofin into my 4th year in the Garden State! (Not in the ocean though…never again.)
The Salty Ju 