If you feel like you just read a published piece with this same title, you’re not wrong. If you didn’t read it, WHY AREN’T YOU SUPPORTING MY ART?! Here’s the version that got published in Greener Pastures Magazine. I wrote the first draft of this piece in November of 2022 full of rage after yet another stressful mid-week shopping experience. As I circled the parking lot for a spot and got cornered in aisles by people who didn’t learn that 6 ft of space should be the norm, I thought to myself, WHY IS NO ONE AT WORK RIGHT NOW?! This being my first hybrid job, I quickly discovered how much more peaceful it is to shop in the middle of a Monday. Unfortunately, once everyone else also had this revelation, going out any day, at any time, turned into my worst nightmare. Anyway, fueled by my hate-fire for fellow WFH shoppers, I blasted out a draft, rant-style. Not really knowing a ton of comedy writers willing to edit, I tossed it over to my dad who made some suggestions. I submitted that version to the three publications I typically submit to and they all rejected it. I simmered on it for 6-8 months, took a humor writing class that made me drown in imposter syndrome thinking I have no business calling myself a writer, and finally resurfaced this number in a feedback group that came out of the aforementioned class that made me spiral. The general consensus was that I needed to pick an angle to make it funnier rather than just bitching about crowded stores. I get it, airing grievances isn’t really a refined form of writing.

But guess what? I LOVE complaining and I have a sneaky suspicion that my followers will get a kick out of the original piece and maybe find it more relatable. So here it is! This is what happens when you get super attached to a piece and everyone rejects it…you publish it yourself because you have a website and there are no rules when you pay WordPress an annual fee for a public platform, so HA. Also, this is a fun way to show y’all that these cute lil published pieces that I spam all over my socials sometimes go through 1 zillion versions and I toil over them for months. What a fun hobby I’ve chosen! In fact, I’ve been sitting on a piece for almost 2 full years now that I’m dragging my feet to get up to snuff. Maybe one day you’ll get to read that! (PS If you notice some jokes are repeated in both the published Scooter Braun version and the self-published Taylor’s Version, no you didn’t.)

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Hey There,

I know that you have the best intentions. You’re probably just telling everyone that you’re strengthening our ever-crumbling economy by scooping up all the Rae Dunn kitchen utensils the second they hit the floor in this suburban T.J. Maxx on a Wednesday. However, you’re really cramping my style. I’m not about to point out the fact that your boss has noticed your Microsoft Teams icon has been idle for the past three hours, because mine has mysteriously been the same. We can play it off like some worldwide glitch if you want. But I’ll only agree to play along if you immediately stop running errands on workdays and go home.

Oh, I get it, the horrifying pandemic that shut down the world and plagued everyone with terror and illness for two years also ushered in one of the greatest revelations of the modern era: nobody actually *wants* to work. Everyone realized that there was no use in slogging in a daily commute to sit in a corporate jail cell for 8 hours doing busy work and having weekly check-ins on the progress of that busy work all while smelling the leftover scallops Janice microwaved for lunch. Those days were a real hellscape. But I gotta tell you, nothing compares to the fiery bowels of showing up to Wegmans at 10AM on a Tuesday and battling Sunday-before-Thanksgiving like crowds. If I pull my cart over to collect myself and get bumped into one more time because I’m blocking the romaine lettuce, I might just WANT to be stuck in the office doing nothing. And that’s a very slippery slope, my friend.

I’m not suggesting that you go back to a traditional workday. (At least I’m not suggesting that for me.) Let’s not be ridiculous. I just think there must be a better solution here where I don’t feel a stranger’s breath on my neck while I’m buying myself a new mug for my home “office” that reads “Boss Babe”. Perhaps a new plan that doesn’t subject my ears to your personal phone call on speakerphone about your recent bikini wax while I’m testing out squeak-toys for my dog. Now hear me out, what if there were a few designated hours at my top five stores each day of the week where I’m allowed to shop by myself, uninterrupted! I mean, we did it for the olds during Covid, why can’t we do it for the sensible Millennial woman who knows how to juggle a Zoom call and her deepest desire to spend money on things she doesn’t need. A true Modern American Icon.

Sure, I can see how this could be coming off a scooch hypocritical and selfish, but my therapist (another Modern American Icon) IS always telling me I need to learn how to advocate for myself. So you know what? I deserve to shop during the week! It is my given right to collect a full salary with pension and benefits as I sip a Starbs refresher and lazily browse Bullseye’s playground for the latest seasonal deals. Because that’s what this country was built on, right? Life, liberty, and the pursuit of buying myself a lil treat with Kohl’s Cash while I “keep an eye on my email.” NONE of these blissful workday moments include someone like YOU starting on the opposite side of the clothes rack rabidly flicking hangers, inching closer and closer to me hoping I’m chicken enough to flee the aisle. Or reaching around me to grab the last pair of wine-themed pajamas in the Aldi bonus aisle. I mean, I can’t even find a parking spot at the Dollar General these days. What has the world come to? DOES ANYONE HAVE A JOB ANYMORE?! The drive-thru line at my local Dunkin’ would suggest “NO.”

Anyway, I gotta run, my boss just called and overheard the Costco register beeps and I can’t pass it off as my downstairs neighbors role playing as cashier and customer again. So, it’s settled. I’ll take Monday through Friday for stress-free store sauntering, and you all can take Saturdays and Sundays with the rest of those people who actually work. Hope you have sharp elbows, you’ll need them, I heard those weekend crowds are ROUGH!

Warm Regards,

A Boundary-Pushing Employee Who Enjoys (and Demands) A Quiet Shopping Atmosphere