JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/2020

1. Another Wronged 90’s Comeback.

The much hyped SBTB reboot with the return of Slater, Jessie, Zack & Kelly as parents of Bayside’s high school students has decided to drop a morsel in our quarantined state and honestly I wish they would take it back. I’m cooped up inside because the sky can’t stop dumping snow and icy winds down upon us and now I’ve gotta watch a VERY old looking Mama remind us that the good ole days of Bayside High were 30 years ago?! Uh uh, honey. I watched this teaser twice and that was two times too many. Tale as old as time, shows that were classic and hilarious in the 90’s want to strike again with a the kids are now parents comeback and it ALWAYS blooooooows. It’s campy and cheesy and the writing is tacky and they play into the same jokes and the nostalgia is 1000% NOT there. It ruins everything. Looking at you, Fuller House and Girl Meets World. Enough is enough. I don’t want to see Zack as a dad after I got to know him as a troublemaker man-whore who once dated a girl in a wheelchair and reminded her she was disabled every 30 seconds. I don’t want to learn that Slater is still ho’ing out in his middle age and reliving the past by being a high school gym teacher who relates everything back to his own high school years. 90’s reunions can be done in a late night bit where the jokes can be inapprops and the actors are making fun of themselves and THAT’S IT. The Salty Ju has dropped the ruling. We are done with 90’s sitcom reboots.

2. Brit & JT 4eva.

If you ever want to step outside of reality, I highly recommend taking a stroll through Britney Spears insta. Girl makes some of the weirdest videos on a daily basis. Trying on clothes and doing a fashion show or “dancing” like the one above. Also, she’s serving a WHOLE lotta choker. As someone who went through this trend hard 3 years ago, I think we can all agree it’s over. Either way, this week Brit made some waves when she danced to Filthy and casj called JT a genius. “We had one of the world’s biggest breakups 20 years ago” Ho Hum. Understatement of the century. How about “we crushed matching denim separates and then I cheated on him and he wrote a bangpiece song as a result.” I’d give her more credit if she was dancing to Cry Me a River because THAT was genius. Right down to the Britney look-alike in the video. Obviously, there was no response from JT, probs because he’s still on probation with Jess.

3. The Internet is Bored.

The internet tried to call the cops on Bubbles for “abusing” his wife in the above video clip. Because yes, people who beat their wives do it on Instagram live to millions of followers. If you’ve never caught an elbow from your man are you even in a relationship? Like let’s all relax and devote our hate to cancelling the Saved by the Bell reboot instead of biting the hand that feeds you. These two have been doing a live instagram every single day to entertain their fans and the fans responded by whistleblowing some playful ‘bows. Lupey responded but it was all in Spanish so I’ll save you the google translation and let you know that she told everyone to shut the hell up and MYOB. She loves her hubs and she’s not just saying that because he got grabby with her. ALL IS WELL.

4. No More Dating Shows.

I think we can all agree that what we aren’t lacking in TV is reality dating shows. There’s 9 trillion ways to marry people off in a three week period and we certainly don’t need one more. But don’t worry, Fox read the room and decided that yes we most certainly need another.  BUT THIS ISN’T JUST ANOTHER BACHELOR. Nope absolutely not. This is The Bachelorette for olds. Anyone whose watched one second of the Bachelor franchise knows that the girls keep getting younger and younger each season, hoping to find love or even better–more instagram followers. Fox said cut the shit and decided to dig Charlotte from Sex and the City up to help a 41 year old singleton find someone to put a baby in her before the cobwebs take over her nethers and it’s no longer possible to force a human head out. Also important to note that The newest Bachelorette is also pushing 40 so clearly the execs at ABC caught wind of this new show and wanted to prove that they’re not ageist. K. If America telling women that if they’re not married and with child by 35, they’re not doing life right–putting 40 somethings in an embarrassing reality dating competition IS SO MUCH WORSE. Please make it stop. If it sounds like I’m hating everything this week, please know that I am and that I tried really hard to find worthy things to talk about and honestly there was NOT A LOT. SO deal with it.

5. Fre$h Beatz.

We may have another month of staying indoors but that hasn’t stopped singers from dropping new heaters for us to listen to and probably never see performed live again. This week brings a Demi/Sam collab with some gay olympics, Kelly Clarkson reminding us all to stop being dirt humans when everything is falling apart, and blue-eyed babe soda Brett coming back after a VERY DRY 3 years of no music with a little piano tune about some lucky bitch named Gabrielle. Have a peaceful weekend.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/6/2020

1. JT World Tour. 

Just because shit isn’t taping at a studio, doesn’t mean we are spared press tours. JT is the latest to be making the rounds hawking Trolls World Tour–which is one of the first movies to go right to streaming rental, bypassing the movie theaters. (Whole other argument, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay $20 to watch a movie at home. Reserve that bend over pricing for seats that somewhat recline, a 50 ft movie screen and movie theater popcorn that is so buttery your hands are legit greased over. If that’s not the environment I’m viewing the movie in, I will pay no more than 0 dollars. Tysm.) ANYWAY, JT is all over the damn place this week. Kickin it with J.Fall for bro hour on the Tonight Show, dropping new music videos, doing radio interviews and he even made an appearance on Hot Wings, the YouTube show where celebrities eat spicy wings and try not to immediately have explosive hot diarrhea tear out of their butthole while they answer questions about their life. I would embed that video here but it was 30 minutes of JT saying the wings were hot and he was going to need a toilet later. So really, I’m sparing y’all. As a very public JT fangirl, I can be completely honest with you and say that quarantine press does not agree with him. I got excited to see his bits with Jimmy because they always make me giggle and want to be a part of their BFF inside jokes but this Quarantine remix and the interview that followed were not up to par for my entertainment. The hardest I laughed in the interview was when Jimmy did finger guns because JT razzes him real hard on that but otherwise I was really rooting for them to be funnier or just do another History of Rap or something. I guess their bits only work in person.

So I was already feeling let down by that, then I’m cruising through People.com, business as usual and I stumble upon this headline:

Screen Shot 2020-04-09 at 11.07.43 PM

And I got ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP. There is not a CHANCE that these two attention whores are also full-on parents without hired help. Kids need the MOST attention in the world and Silas has an actress mom and a singer/actor/comedian dad. NO WAY ARE THESE TWO 24-HOUR PARENTING. They have AT LEAST two nannies and I will not hear anything otherwise. They’re quarantined in one of their homes in Montana, so they’re out in the middle of nowhere and if there’s one thing that I know for SURE about celebrities, when they vacation or isolate themselves, they bring the whole G-D paid staff with them. Chefs, maids, nannies, what have you. Do not for a second bitch about how hard parenting is when you’re rich AF and probably just kick it with your son when your schedule allows. I’m just now realizing that I might still harbor some bitter resentments about JT publicly cheating on Jess in December and it’s all coming out now that he’s doing media again. I apologize for not working through these issues sooner, but JT you’re in timeout for a little while. Drop a new heater (not Trolls-related) and we’ll talk about getting back in my good graces. This also seems like an ideal time to remind everyone that when he cheated, my ex-boyf’s mom texted me to gossip about it and she told me I’m prettier than Jessica Biel and I will sing that from the rooftops until they put me in the ground. Never forget.

2. I Need Jessica Simpson Confidence.

Jessica Simpson posted this compare/contrast for giggles and my immediate thought was that it takes the most confident woman in the world to post a Rolling Stone Cover from her early 20’s where her body is in peak condish, she’s tanned, toned and professionally made up next to THAT. Sometimes I take ugly selfies on snapchat where I clearly don’t have makeup on and my hair is greasy or there’s a zit on my face and send it discreetly to my mom or my sister for a little “lol I’ll die alone because I’m hideous” but Jessica Simpson was like IDGAF and put one of those pics out to her 5.3 million followers next to the magazine cover that basically caused her divorce. Jk, it wasn’t the magazine cover SPECIFICALLY, it was mostly that Nick is a far less talented loser living in her shadow and being v. jelly about it for their entire marriage. I can say these things because I read Open Book and rewatched the entire series of Newlyweds, so basically not only are Jess and I best friends, but I know everything there is to know about her life. Highly recommend reading her book if you enjoy shooting celebrity gossip straight into your veins like I do. You have to get through a LOT of Jesus talk to get there, but trust me, it’s worth it. It also allowed me to watch Newlyweds with a whole new filter and realize that it’s finally time to stop shipping a Nick and Jess reunion and calling them the perfect couple because they really did not like each other and Nick was a reeealll douche. He’s the host of Love is Blind now, so obviously all is well with him. No hard feelzies. (But Team Jess for Lyfe.)

3. Full House Forever.

The show that will never go quietly into the night (don’t even get me started on Fuller House and what a horrifically campy show that comeback turned out to be) decided to lean into TikTok and create their own updated opening credits. The show may never die, but Aunt Becky SURELY did because they kicked her RIGHT out of the family. Don’t care if you’re not in jail yet, Lori, the cast can’t have you dragging down their TikTok views with bad pub. Interesting spin that Becky’s out, but Jeff Franklin is in when he caught a little bit of #MeToo flack recently for inapprops behavior. SEXISM. Either way, 10/10 for Mr. T’s bit. This is really his time to shine.

4. 9021-No.

View this post on Instagram

Watch this video. Nuff said. @torispelling

A post shared by Dean McDermott (@imdeanmcdermott) on

Yaknow I love 90210 and I love razzin on your girl Tori Spelling who will publicly do ANYTHING to make money, but she’s getting a little blowback for that right now and I couldn’t stop myself from soaking it in. Her husb and known sex addict Dean is a little rough and tumble and definitely doesn’t do much to bring home the bacon, but he does love to spout off on social media to defend his wife and kids. This time T is getting shit on not for feeding her kids too much, but for charging fans $95 for a virtual meet and greet. Look, I get both sides here. As someone who is extremely unemployed, I want to punch everyone whose preaching to make donations and support local businesses and spend all this money right now that I most certainly don’t have. Yet, I’ve also gotten very comfy with my favorite singers putting out free weekly concerts on instagram and all of the paid subscriptions releasing shows and movies that I was too poor to watch before and stores begging me to buy their clothes with 70% off sales every day. I’m not quite sure how to exist in a world where I fork over $95 to Zoom with Tori Spelling and take a screenshot of us not physically together. HOWEVER, Tori Spelling is out here just hustlin’ and I gotta respect that. She’s hearing about Bachelor contestants–NOT WINNERS–*CONTESTANTS* charging people on Cameo to send them video messages and she’s like I’m DONNA F*ING MARTIN. I’m not gonna let these reality stars show me up! I’m worth more than a $10 cameo. I’m Aaron Spelling’s daughter! And for that, I also agree. Also, she has to support her loser hubz and his repeated sex addiction rehab, I’m guessing. So everyone CTFD and let the idiot 90210 superfans fork over a hundo to videochat with Donna Martin. I’ll even consider it if she throws in a David Silver appearance. Just kidding, I won’t. I added a pair of overalls to my cart yesterday then saw that an additional discount didn’t apply and concluded that $30 was still too much to pay. So, $95 for a conference call is downright outrageous.

5. Quaran-Tunes

Lotsa time to drop some new beats. Jesse McCartney showing us why he’s still the swoonster heartthrob (vocals only, that outfit he’s wearing is all sorts of atrocious.) John Mayer has been flexing all over lately, doing a Zoom with SUNY Oneonta, making up new songs on his Insta show and now teaming up with Leon for a smooooove Quarantine original. Selena wanted everyone to know that the timing is unfortunate for her release of this song (marketing rules the world, tho) as the last thing on her mind during this pandemic is finding a boyfriend…and yet….here we are. Turns out she’ll settle for some frogs instead. And last but certainly not least–my favorite of the bunch, an ULTIMATE mashup of LUDAAAAA, Lil Jon & Ursher baybay, reminding us that they like to penetrate mad ladiezz. HOARD. God I needed Ludacris back in my life and what a treat this disgusting song is to my ears. Give me a few listens and I’ll have Luda’s part down pat. Will report back.

BONUS: THIS DANCER IS GONNA DANCE.

I will continue to broadcast my budding dance career because if anything good can come from this pandemic, it better be some rhythm for ya gurl. I have forever wanted to be a dancer and yet being able to move to a beat and remember choreography are key components that I’m sorely lacking. Now that I have all the time in the world and a newfound obsession with TikTok, I’m determined to make this my time to shine. I failed at Darryn’s Dance Grooves, I used my Dancing with the Stars DVD that I got for my 18th birthday exactly one time and thought it would be appropriate to wear heels and a flowy skirt for what I now know was just a workout video and I didn’t make the Radio Disney Dance Team because during tryouts I fudged up the choreo and had dead face. But all of that will not be in vain. I will hit a beat and make ONE TikTok dance video that slaps harder than the youths. After practicing this one for two hours, getting the yips on the last 10 takes and still noticing we were off-beat from the very first dab…this will not be that video. BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING. STAY TUNED. I AM GOING TO BE A DANCER.

Inspiration:

 

Reality:

PS Shoutout to my main squeeze, my Leopard Saved By The Bell Twinnie who was over this about 20 minutes into it (although may it be known she was the one who suggested it) because there’s no one else I’d rather have as my dance partner. Also, it really helps that you’re equally as bad at dancing so we really balance each other out. Looking forward to smashing through a few more foreign dance crew Step Up knock-offs on Netflix and learning some new mooves!

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of March 30th, 2020

I haven’t blogged in a minute because the world is ending and nothing seems funny anymore but then when I really thought about it, I figured there’s some people out there who would much rather read about celebrities or listen to a new song or watch a funny video than consume news all day long, which creates more anxiety. So here we are. Turn off the news or take a step away from Twitter and constant scary headlines for a second to consume some nonsense and hopefully have a giggle. I’m going to try to be positive this week. See? I bet THAT made you laugh!

1. Stabler Returns.

It has been announced that Chris Meloni will reprise his role as Elliot Stabler on a new SVU spinoff because Dick Wolf never sleeps, unless he’s nestled snug as a bug in a bed full of money. DUN DUN. Seriously though, I’m not sure if it’s the quarantine or if people are just finally beginning to recognize what a DILF Stabler is but Chris Meloni is having himself a moment. (BTW I know that actors play parts but I refuse to believe Chris Meloni was playing anyone other than himself in Elliot Stabler.) I distinctly remember sitting down for day-long marathons on SVU with my sister and an unhealthy amount of snacks just to drink in the good cop, bad cop routine between Liv and Stabler. Stabler with his badass Irish anger would come in HOT and be like YOU WOULD SAY THAT YOU RAPIST WHO RAPES PEOPLE and pound the table with those bulging ‘ceps, then Liv would saunter into the interrogation room, gently hold Stabler back and in her soft, understanding voice be like what made you do this? Who hurt you? And boom. Confession. Liv and Stabler were the perfect duo and the day they wrote Stabes off the show was a sad one indeed. They’ve reunited here and there and posted nostalgic selfies to give the people what they want, but realistically what we really wanted was for those two to bang because the chemistry was through the roof. But whatever, I got sidetracked into basically writing SVU cosplay and the real topic here is that Stabler is making a comeback, we’ll keep our fingers crossed for a Liv-Stabes reunion (which I’m sure will be in season 1. Dick Wolf loves to cross-pollinate his spinoffs, look no further than the several weeks each year he spends putting his 900 Chicago shows together in one monumental TV event.)

Also, to FULLY prepare yourself for his return to primetime, feast your eyes on this tasty treat:

2. So Does Lindsay Lohan.

View this post on Instagram

Im back! 👀

A post shared by Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) on

If read the room were ever fully personified, it would be Lindsay Lohan choosing right NOW to announce her comeback and drop a new single that no one, I repeat not one single soul was looking for. And yet someone who thinks they are this important when literally no one has given them a second thought in many years is precisely what we needed. A good laugh at someone else’s expense is the best medicine, is what I always say. This B literally cleared her social media and released the above video at the beginning of the week as if she’s the second coming and the world has been WAITING with baited breathe for this. And thank GOD we didn’t have to wait too long or I would’ve probably chopped my own arms off in anticipation because today she dropped a new single and boy oh boy is it high quality music. Forget about the Lindsay that was a hot mess and moved to Dubai for a minute. Forget about her quick foray into club management in the Greek islands for reality TV. This is the real Lindsay, folks and I don’t know what we ever did to deserve it. In the words of LL in her hawt club tune, “shit got crazy.” But why am I still babbling? Just give yourself a listen to the HEAVILY auto-tuned (probably someone else’s voice in parts) tell you that Lindsay is coming back to herself and all will be ok.

And just like Tiger King dominated the world because we were all forced to watch white trash exotic animal owners fight with each other, this song will dominate as well. We’re all stuck inside and bored as hell and suddenly it’s like wow this song slaps and then it’s on repeat and guess what guys, we’re all Lindsay Lohan fans now. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. THANKS, QUARANTINE. No gas though, this song (below) actually does slap and anyone who says otherwise can see themselves out from this blog. I will forever be grateful for the movie Freaky Friday giving me punk rockstar dreams and a desire to learn how to play guitar. (Obviously I took one lesson, complained my fingies hurt and never attempted again.)

3. Classic Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler built an entire career upon dumb movies and talk-singing stupid songs and after trying to prove he’s a serious actor in Uncut Gems, this is just what we needed. It’s also very satisfying to see that even someone as rich as Adam Sandler still falls prey to a wife who loves a little Homegoods decor. I’m guessing Mrs. Sandler found the stunning piece of art in the background in 2015 when “You Are My Sunshine” was HOT in the streets of every home decor store on this planet. I’m also guessing I was v. close to a lifetime Teej ban for staging the below photo and calling their shit on Twitter. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is…celebs, they’re just like us!

4. Quarantine Sessions.

Obviously with the endless amount of time at home and people getting stir crazy, there has been an increase in content and people trying their hardest to entertain or generate some laughs and I just wanted to take this moment to give a special shout out to Cal, formerly of the band Timeflies. I’ve blogged about Timeflies before and Cal because not only is he a total babe soda, but he has the ability to freestyle and create songs on the spot. When he used to tour with Timeflies, his gimmick was that he would ask for a hat and a bunch of ripped up pieces of paper with terms about the school or the city he was performing for and then he would pull one out at a time and create a freestyle on the spot. Well he used this creative skill to start doing a new cover a day based on the world’s situation right now and the best part about it is that he thought it would be like a week or two in quarantine and he’d be done. But here we are now with no end in sight and he’s committed to just fully producing and recording a new song and video every day. So shoutout to Cal for creating quality topical beats each and every day with Quarantine Sessions. Don’t eva change. Below is a highlight reel, click HERE for his insta to see them all.

5. Handstand Challenge

Screen Shot 2020-04-03 at 2.55.44 PM

Anyone on social media has seen the millions of challenges that are cycling around as if it’s 1998 and we just re-discovered chain emails. From post a happy selfie to post a travel pic to post a puppy pic to the insufferable pushup or exercise challenges (barf all over me, if you ever tag me in a pushup challenge I’ll never speak to you again.) The world is challenge-happy right now and I’ll be honest this is a new one that I’ve discovered while looking for the last useless thing to distract you today. And WE HAVE FOUND IT. The handstand challenge where you put a shirt on while you’re using your core body muscles to balance upside down. And guess who can do it? ONLY ripped actors with personal trainers and superhero bods. I bet Chris Meloni can do it with that gleaming six pack of his. Seriously, Chris. DO IT. In the meantime we’ll pant over Jake Gyllenhaal, who I feel like I haven’t really thought of since the last time I listened to All Too Well and yet here he is with a little pony tail and a whole lotta body, making dressing while upside down look like a breeze.

Meanwhile, I’m out here spending 30 minutes huffing and puffing on the elliptical every day in my parents basement, dragging my ass up the stairs and then performing whatever song is playing through my headphones to the roomies to get them to laugh and pay attention to me. Same thing, really. (If you didn’t think I was going to work overtime to pivot all of this back to me, then you obviously don’t know me at all.) Handstand, shmandstand, I’d like to see you out of breathe scream-lip sync a song WHILE throwing your limbs around in a form of interpretive dance that should only be known as GANGLEROD. (Spoiler alert: neither song was guessed despite my commitment to the performance) Can only go up from here, now taking requests because I am determined to get one W.

 And for even FURTHER entertainment, feast your peepers on the day my family drank a bunch of homemade espresso martinis and decided to become TikTok’ers. First with our 90’s Beanie Baby knowledge, and then with our very first TikTok group dance. Because if you can’t laugh at yourself, you probably have a giant dump in your pants.

Inspiration:

Reality:

Stay safe, y’all!

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 24, 2020

1. MAN TAY.

The Man was such a throwaway song for me on Lover that I’m surprised it even became a single and yet at the same time I’m not at all surprised because Taylor is on a mission to be top dawg Feminist these days and she won’t stop until she reaches the top or in this case, dresses as a man to show why men stink. At first glance of this “man” I was like oh of course Taylor only casts hotties in her videos. Then no less than 30 seconds later I was appalled at myself as the camera zoomed in and I saw Taylor’s exact face with a beard on. So obviously since it’s a T.Swift music vid it has 90000 other clues and meanings and blah blah blah but I just seriously can’t get past the Man Tay. I mean look at the picture below that she posted. HOW CREEPY IS THAT. WHY WOULD YOU EVER ANGLE YOUR TERRIFYING PROSTHETIC FACE IN THAT HORROR MOVIE WAY?! Even if I was the hottest person on this earth, a cocked head and blank stare at the camera is a guaranteed way to give everyone nightmares and lead them to believe I want to turn them into a skin suit.

Anyway, once you get past that it’s a fun Wolf of Wall Street-esque FU to men everywhere and LDC, specifically. But not the Rock though. Because he’s a Tay supporter and therefore gets to voice the “man” and be a big hulking piece of feminist man meat. Anyway, I’m over it. If Cruel Summer isn’t the next single I’m going to hurl myself off a bridge and I don’t really think that’s being dramatic. PS LOL to Taylor thinking she fooled anyone into thinking that wasn’t really her by that BIG REVEAL at the end.

2. Butthole Eyes.

Syracuse’s favorite celebrity, Pete Davidson just dropped his Netflix special and it is THE BUZZ this week because rather than taking the high road post VERY PUBLIC engagement breakup, he got down on his belly and army crawled through the Ariana Grande ravines, using her name and star power as much as possible to draw attention to his probably otherwise forgotten standup special. Well it worked. And now I might even watch the special. Great PR work. Either way, the best part about it, is that he recognized the fact that Barstool called him Butthole Eyes and he’s pretty kewl with it. (Butthole Eyes is still top 5 of weird insults you could hurl at someone.) He has a good sense of humor and can clearly poke fun of himself. Maybe he could also explain how he keeps bedding super model babe after babe. Cause it’s really been a revolving door for him tongue-ing in public since Ariana left. I’m having a hard time keeping up.

Screen Shot 2020-02-28 at 8.46.49 AM

3. Friends Reunion Fakeout

This news is a week old but I didn’t do a JUice last week and I definitely feel the need to pop off about this. HBO Max announced that there will be a Friends SPECIAL with the original cast and it will be unscripted and BASICALLY IT’S JUST AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CAST OF FRIENDS. Maybe they’ll talk about their favorite episodes or tell behind the scenes stories or you know, do all the same shit they’ve been doing for the past 10 years but all together in one studio for a paid subscription network and this is straight bullshit. Anyone who saw this news and was like OMG THE FRIENDS REUNION WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR is dumb. This isn’t a reunion of the show. It’s a special with the cast. Relax. It’s a marketing tool to get more people to get yet another subscription and I’M NOT BUYING IT. Call me when Friends is back on Netflix.

4. GIVE US LIZZIE MCGUIRE. Speaking of dumping on streaming services that are all about the hype, less about the delivery, let’s talk Disney +. They amped up a Lizzie McGuire reboot with original cast and since I’m a Hilary Duff stan through and through, I was like YUP give me Disney +. Realistically what I did instead was ask my two year old niece if she’s seen the movie Frozen (knowing full well she hadn’t) thus leading her to beg for Frozen until her parents bought her Disney + which is the only place Frozen lives. Then I was like oh great, I’ve been meaning to get Disney +, sharesies?! So whose the real mastermind here. It’s always me and don’t you ever forget it. Either way, I now have Disney + and the only time I’ve used it is to watch the movie Cool Runnings. So all around giant waste of a streaming service. I’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Lizzie comeback. Well OF COURSE it’s delayed. They made a big stink about shooting in NY, then production halted and showrunners changed and now Hil is giving us some BTS scoop or rather shade…

hilinsta

Seems like Disney + wants this to be a show for kids like the original and guess what, LIZZIE IS ALL GROWN UP NOW. She’s in her thirties and there won’t be an entire episode dedicated to her being to embarrassed to ask her mom for a bra (peep my Lizzie blog breaking that down HERE.) So someone who makes content for adults and doesn’t have a back catalogue of Muppet Babies needs to step in toot sweet so we can see Lizzie McGuire adult edition and there BETTER be a reference to her singing at the Colosseum with Paolo.

lizzie5. Be More Like Gaga.

This article (Click HERE for full article) is getting buzz and being tossed around the web lately. Basically a regular gal found out via social media (of course) that her ex boyfriend of 7 years is Lady Gaga’s new piece of the moment. She talks through the emotions we all go through of stalking your ex on social media and seeing who they move on with, comparing yourself, being a jelly belly or feeling threatened, etc. And she’s all HOW DO I COMPARE TO LADY GAGA?! Well for one thing, I bet you can’t take the word shallow and make it 12 syllables, but I digress… She then used this discovery to motivate her to live a cooler life and never say no to anything and just try to be a baller like Gaga is. And you know what? That’s more mature than I will ever be. Not only would I torture myself and nitpick all of the things my ex boyf who is dating a famous popstar is now doing, I would also try to make my life look cooler and that’s just petty human nature. Props to this girl for rising above it but her buying an expensive designer dress and getting a blowout because it’s what Lady Gaga would do just doesn’t cut it for me. Some of us don’t have the funds to live life like Gagz and we will instead just sit in our own bitterness refreshing Instagram to see what Gaga is doing with our ex boyfriend at 30 minute intervals every day. Also based on the fact that Gaga is engaged to a new man every few years, there’s really nothing to worry about here. Ya gurl Lindsay will realize the year of YES might only last 8 months. Double also, LG is really making news this week because after this article came out, she dropped her first single in 3 years. QUICK, LINDSAY, DYE YOUR HAIR PINK. Full disclosure, I didn’t listen to one second of this song so if it blows real hard, don’t @ me.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 10th, 2020

1. I LIKE A CELEBRITY BABY NAME!

View this post on Instagram

my WHOLE heart 💕💗💕

A post shared by Lauren Akins (@laur_akins) on

TR and Lauren had their third girl and named her Lennon Love Akins and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY approve. It’s so rare that a celebrity couple chooses a name that isn’t completely outrageous and makes me want to shout how stupid they are, so I wanted to take a beat on this Valentine’s Day to say that I love Lennon Love. And you know they’re going to call her Lennon Love because they’re southern and they call their other kids Willa Gray and Ada James in their cute ass southern accents. Lennon Love is going to be a singer and she won’t even need to make a stage name. Mark my words, I’m calling it.

2. Wedding Scam.

Ron Galella Archive - File Photos

Love stories come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes people fall in love and get married and live happily ever after and sometimes people date in the 80’s and break up, then 35 years later get married for 12 days. I couldn’t not blab about this story because it made me laugh a whole lot. We get a random headline a couple weeks ago about Pamela Anderson marrying Jon Peters, even though no one knew they were dating. It’s written as one of those classic time went by but they never stopped loving each other spin, which we all know is complete bullshit but everyone is like OH how sweet. Even when you’re 74 you can get married to a piece half your age and call it love and say you’ve been pining for her all your life even though you had several other marriages and were actually engaged recently to another woman. But it was like a blip in the radar and I read it and was like hm that’s weird and kept it moving. I also had to google who Jon Peters was. Folks, he’s a rich man. He produced A Star is Born (all the versions). Pamela….not so much. Ever since her Baywatch days and being in the very public, very unhealthy relashe with Tommy Lee, it’s been a pretty steady downhill drop for ya gurl Pammy. Well, Pam and Jon ended their marriage 12 days later and then THE REAL JUice COMES OUT. Pam knew this old perv always had a thing for her and reconnected with him, got him to pay off her massive debt, waited for the wire transfer to clear and then broke up with him over a text. If that ain’t a classic love story, I don’t know what is. According to Jon himself, “there’s no fool like an old fool.” Also if Lifetime doesn’t turn this into a movie I will be V. disappointed.

3. J Baby.

jonaswedding

This is low on the list, when normally it would be #1 because the Jonai themselves have yet to confirm it’s true. And you KNOW I hate reporting celebrity gossip that isn’t People official. So even though everyone is talking about it like it’s facts, we might have a real Kylie Jenner secret pregnancy on our hands here if we don’t get confirmation soon. That of course, didn’t stop me from scooping my sister and BFF the second I saw the news broke on twitter. I had recently been scooped on the Bella Twins pregnancy and I was out for Scoop Revenge. And you know what, I can honestly tell you it’s a high unlike any other. Why do drugs when you can scoop people on celebrity gossip? Unfortunately because it hasn’t become official yet, I was forced to enter into a deal with the devil if it turns out to be a rumor:

IMG-4731

As you might recall, I reported on Post Malone’s facial bleeding saw tattoo last week and apparently it opened a whole can of worms because in the 7 days since that’s happened, 3 more headlines appeared of celebrities getting face tattoos. And I’m genuinely wondering what I’m missing here. You have an entire body to ink up, WHY TOUCH THE FACE?! Leave the face out of it! But I digress, the point is, if Sophie Turner is not pregnant, I have to get a face tat and I’m ok with my odds here but also I might just need to turkey baster some sperm into her to be extra sure. Where’s the Jonas Bros next tour stop? Just wondering. Ok but anyway, my real opinion on the matter other than the fact that I scooped it hard is that I’m surprised it took this long for a J Baby. Honestly thought Pri Pri would be first because she is much older but I wouldn’t count out her announcing next month because she seems to be the real ringleader of the J Sisters movement and the other two are kinda just like yeah we’re sisters by marriage let’s relax a little. So we could have double Jonas babies this year and it wouldn’t shock me at all. Related to this topic but not really…Priyanka grammed this throwback yesterday and do I need to have my eyes checked or is this 100% not a photo of her? Discuss amongst yourselves and report back.

4. Boy Band Newz.

nsyncgold

Lance Bass has always been a man of the N*SYNC groupies, giving us breadcrumb stories from the good ole days, going on throwback 90’s pop tours and I just generally get the feeling that because he’s openly gay, he truly understands how important a first boy crush is to an overdramatic pre-teen heart. Also, he starred in N*SYNC classic On the Line, which should never ever ever be forgotten because it was not only a great rom-com but it had original N*SYNC tunes in it.

You can treat yourself to that LB classic first as a little pre-game to the movie Lance has just announced got picked up finally and will be released sometime soon? That part is unclear, I’m guessing it’ll end up on a streaming service, but either way, I’m jazzed. The premise of the movie is based on a true story when two girls won a Winnebago on The Price Is Right and then used that Winnebago to follow N*SYNC around the country on their tour, creep groupie style. Lance has described the movie as a cross between Girls Trip and Pitch Perfect. Honestly, I don’t care about the girls I just want all the N*SYNC nostalgia in the world. Make it happen, Lance. I believe in you.

Meanwhile in rival world…BSB is touring this summer and therefore they’re currently doing their press rounds, so we got this gem from Watch What Happens Live:

Bless BSB for knowing that the lyrics mean nothing if you hit dem high notes. DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY. PS last year they played this at a wedding of a couple I had never met and I found it to be incredibly disrespectful to NOT hit that high note and give it my all even though the dance floor was completely empty and needless to say it was not well received.

5. Hot Bod PSA.

jencover

Jennifer Aniston turned 51 this week and this last piece is just a droolworthy appreciation of America’s Sweetheart still killin it like she’s never aged a day in her life. Also a small part of me wanted to point out how babe soda she still is to prove to everyone that she don’t need no mans and she ESPECIALLY don’t need no cheating mans, so stop shipping her and Brad because them getting back together would be the dumbest thing on this earth and Jen is no dummy.

jenjen2jen3jen4

Standard
Playlist

Millennial Gurl Pop Anthems

It’s been far too long since I’ve made a random playlist, told you to listen to it and written something relating back to myself about each song. I bet you missed it. Don’t lie. Recently I’ve been diving back into the world of 2000’s she-pop music. It all started with JLo and Shakira rocking the halftime show, then Jessica Simpson was like hey y’all I’ve been an alcoholic for my entire life and I wrote a book about it and I was like welp guess I need to start rotating her hits again and it spiraled into a 7 hour playlist of every girl pop song I grooved to from ages 11-19–basically these ladies raised me and I wanted to reminisce on those times. SO NOW YOU GET TO AS WELL! (Guys too. Don’t even for a second pretend you didn’t have these songs in heavy rotation.) To show just how dedicated I am, I busted out the ole CD’s to get into the song selecting mood and also feel like it’s 2005.

IMG-4725

A timely drop for Valentine’s Day because these ladies either sang about being in love or telling their boo to kick rocks so there’s something in here for everyone on this year’s VDay. ENJOY.

1. With You – Jessica Simpson. This was peak Newlyweds (how I’d like to memorialize each of them forever in my memory) and when Jess really started to lean into being a real dum dum. The song was basically about being yourself in a relationship and the video featured all of the things she was directly razzed about from their reality show. Calling a Platypus “plat-amuh-pus”, chicken or tuna, buffalo wings, her boobs getting in the way when she golfed, how she hated cleaning and was a real dirtbag to live with. It’s everything we love about Jess and what made her relatable and WHY THAT SHOW SHOULD STILL BE AIRING TODAY. Rest in Peace, Nick & Jess, Newlyweds Era.

2. So What – P!nk. Ah, another classic music video that tells the exact opposite story as the one before. Pink even references ya girl Jessica Simp in this song–GrL PoWeR! I’ve always had a soft spot for this song because of the story behind it. Pink was known as the badass B who didn’t fit in with the rest of the pop princesses but she was cool as hell with it and then she was dating Carey Hart who was like Bad Boy personified in his motocross lyfe. But then they broke up and she wrote this song and was like whatevs I’m still famous so we’ll be alright. PLOT TWIST THOUGH, she’s actually a softie and when she went to make this video she reached back out to Carey for the first time since they’d broken up and asked if he would be in the video AND HEARTS FLUTTER EVERYWHERE because him appearing in this video led to their reunion. What a great love story. She yells at him in her music video and he’s like k let’s get back togets and now they’ve been married for 13 years. Since I’ve always been a music video nerd I remember watching a behind the scenes (probably on TRL) where Pink was so nervous to have him onset that she had to get a little buzz on and LOOK AT THEM NOW. Also, goes without saying this song bangs.

3. No One – Alicia Keys. Taking it doooooown a notch with the soulful Alicia Keys. Nowadays you can find Alicia using her calm zen voice and piano playin talents to host the Grammy’s but honestly nothing has really changed about her. She wails on the keys and makes you want to close your eyes, bop your head and try to hit the highest of notes. Which obviously, I can. In my car–solo concert style.

4. Behind These Hazel Eyes – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly is queen of the breakup tell-off because that’s basically all she released for her first few albums that I listened to on repeat and just felt so UNDERSTOOD. Justin Guarini must’ve done a real number on her, that curly headed f*ck. This is one of her best numbers to scream sing to and I highly encourage that you do so. HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN just hits harder if you’re screaming at the top of your lungs.

5. If You Had My Love – Jennifer Lopez. Obviously I just did a whole blog dedicated to JLo’s hits and what I wanted her to perform at the super bowl–she performed 4 of those songs so shout out to JLo for reading my blog and being a woman of the people. Regardless, I’m not going to yap about the same songs here because that would just be redundant for my avid Salty Ju followers. Also, I could’ve picked any Jenny song and it would be a homerun. This particular tune is Jenny telling her mans how it’s gotta be because she’s not about to date a sleazeball. Ironically, the video (yes I’m going to reference basically every music video because this was the music video era and they all delivered the drama) is just a creepy guy sitting on his couch watching JLo dance around her house on his computer, watchmewatchu style. Yoikes not a turn I was expecting the song to make when she’s telling you to not mess this up, installing cameras in her house and peeping on her from afar is probably the quickest way to do that, sir.

6. Everything – FeFe Dobson. My homie FeFe wasn’t necessarily a heavy-hitter in the pop world like your Britney’s and your Mandy’s, but she holds a special place in my heart for when I was going through my punk pop phase and therefore I felt the need to give her a shout even though she pretty much disappeared after one album. If you look her up now, she’s apparently still making music but her instagram scared me, honestly and she’s married to a guy whose aesthetic is tattooed alternative cowboy rapper, so I’m out on that. Let’s just focus on the time period when she turned “do do dooooo” into actual lyrics.

7. Cry – Mandy Moore. I guess Mandy Moore does her best work when soundtracking a movie because I was deciding between Center Stage Mandy or A Walk to Remember Mandy for her feature on this playlist. Both wildly different stories and wouldn’t you know I went with the depressing one. Tearjerker classic A Walk to Remember was on TV a few weeks ago and I find myself equal parts ashamed and proud to admit that I could still recite the dialogue out loud word for word. Mostly because there will never be a more cringeworthy exchange than having a guy say I’m going to kiss you and replying “I might be bad at it.” Oh Jamie, you kiss virgin nerd bomber. Thank you for making me feel better as I laugh at you on my couch very much unemployed watching a 17 year old movie in the middle of a weekday. Either way, when Landon stares out at the water in the end SPOILER ALERT and says our love is like the wind, I can’t see it but I can feel it and you hear Mandy begin “I’ll always remember”, that’s a surefire way to have a single tear roll down your cheek. Thank you, Mandy.

8. Whenever, Wherever – Shakira. Even though I boo’ed the TV when Shakira came on first at the super bowl halftime show and I shouted DID JLO CALL IN SICK?! I still love Shakira. I just love JLo more and wanted a full JLo-Bowl with no interruptions. And I think that’s ok. I love Shakira but not like half-time show sort of love. I can still appreciate dem hips and self awareness for small boobs. Shaki paved the way for body confidence noting that it was lucky her breasts are small so they’re not confused with mountains. And you know what, same gurl. I’d never want someone to think my rack is the Alps cause that would be weird as hell.

9. Complicated – Avril Lavigne. You’ll notice that I’ve sprinkled in a few punk pop galz because at the end of the day, no matter how badass they tried to seem, anyone who tried to call themselves punk in the 2000’s were really just popstars who wore more eyeliner. Avril gave us the gift of incorporating a sassy uh-huh into a song and for that we should forever be grateful. But seriously, why ya gotta make things so complicated? Just chill the hell out. AND TELLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEE.

10. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani. Ah, this brings me back to my 8th grade school trip to Cleveland (because Cleveland counts as a vacation destination when you grow up in Syracuse) and all my rich friends who had their first iPods bumped this beat on the 6 hour bus ride so we could all flirt by sharing earbuds and spelling bananas. CLASSIC. Also the DJ at Turning Stone popped this off a couple of weekends ago and several adults lost their shit so it’s a timeless jam that I can confirm we ladies still stomp our feet like this to. CAUSE WE AIN’T NO HUSSY HOLLABACK GUUUUUUUUURLZ. (Also lolz to the time period when Gwen only hung out with a Japanese posse called her Harajuku girls. What a time to be alive.)

11. Irreplaceable – Beyoncé. I could’ve included a Bey club beat here, but my heart told me to slow it down and sass it up with this one. This was Thank U, Next before Ariana was just a twinkle in her dirtbag father’s eye. With just one dubz finger pointing movement, Queen B told her man to take everything he own in a box to the left and get the hell out of her house. Before there was Becky with the good hair or BOY BYE, there was TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT and I think that’s an important lesson to remember. No matter what age Beyoncé is, she’ll always remind you that she’s a strong goddess and you ain’t shit without her.

to the left

12. Boyfriend – Ashlee Simpson. We couldn’t shout out Jess without Ash, otherwise Ash would get all emo again and be like I’M LIVIN IN THE SHADOW, OF SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM. Wah, wah, wah. This bop is less I’m jelly of my sister for being more famous, and more shut your face because I didn’t steal your boyf and isn’t that just so much more fun?! Makes ya wanna hop around and shake ya boyfriend-less booty.

13. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera. I’ve been having a real soft spot for the lady slow jamz on this mix. Sometimes you just wanna belt out and be in your feels and nothing puts you in your feels more than whispering “don’t look at me” before singing about how beautiful you are, probably in the mirror after a few hundred glasses of wine. Judge me, I don’t care. WORDS CAN’T BRING ME DOWN.

14. Come Clean – Hilary Duff. I can’t have an anthem playlist without the anthem for rich high school idiots who live near a beach. Just kidding, disassociate this song from Laguna because it’s a heater all on its own and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with 16 year olds who spring break in Cabo. There’s no nostalgia quite like hearing the beginning weird whistle sounds of this song and knowing that you’re about to let that rain fall down.

15. Lucky – Britney Spears. Brit has had an entire career pre and post shaved head breakdown of smash hits and yet none of them are on the same playing field as Lucky. Lucky is the one song that unites us all. It’s so incredibly stupid and yet it’s the best storytelling song out there, complete with actual knocks on the door. If you don’t act this song out start to finish–beginning with a dramatic AF “this is the story about a girl named Lucky” then I don’t even want to know you as a person.

Standard
Red Carpet

Oscars Red Carpet 2020

I’m never ready for this moment. The last major awards show of the season and a return to the Sunday scaries every single week. What a harsh dose of reality. Anyway, we had a WHOLE lotta white gowns this year, which is ironic considering the biggest critique of the Oscars is that they’re racist as hell and only nominate whites. Seems like the opposite of the point outrage culture and the rest of Hollywood would be trying to make but who am I to judge. HAHA I can never type that sentence with a straight face. I judge the hardest. So did Hollywood when the Oscars gave Eminem his moment to shine 18 years after winning his Oscar for Lose Yourself and skipping the ceremony because he didn’t think he would win. Em brought the house DOWN with MOM’S SPAGHETTI and Hollywood is just too cool to appreciate it. WUT3v3R. It was the highlight of the world’s longest and most boring awards show ever and I’m not afraid to say it. Check out my Twitter if you want to see my unfiltered minute by minute commentary since I had no one to blab my thoughts out loud to after my mom fell asleep within the first 20 minutes and then woke up and declared the show was boring. To be fair, she wasn’t wrong, but she WAS unconscious for most of it.

WORST

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.13.27 PM

America got confused and thought the Oscars were actually a Grecian themed baby shower.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.15.15 PM

Find her body among this mess of fabric. I dare you.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.15.53 PM

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, no need to find her body because she’s basically wearing an open robe. Bonus points for having corpse face.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.20.28 PM

Nope. Nopey nope nope.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.50.09 PM

Are these vents on her biceps? Never know when you might need a cool breeze to hit your ‘ceps because you’re wearing velvet on the west coast and your entire body is probably sweating.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.51.20 PM

Not a fan. I don’t have anything extreme or dramatic to say (first time for everything) but I just wasn’t into the black flowers on a sparkly gown.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.51.51 PM

Y’all know my thoughts on my gurl Billie. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate bad gurl move to just show up in a kickass dress instead of jammies for once? Just a thought.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.52.29 PM

The jewels on this B look tacky as hell to me.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.53.06 PM

Laura did us dirty with the nipple tassels.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.18.18 PM

Ah, a rust colored sparkle blanket! How chic!

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.41.23 PM

You know when you wash a sports bra that has pads in it and without fail, every time, you forget that the pads are in there and you have to fish them out of the washer after the cycle is over? Just me? K. The top of this dress looks like they glued those pads to a dress.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.41.46 PM

Honestly did America tell Salma the theme too? Like what’s with the ancient Greek vibes?

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.42.44 PM

Every single thing that Renee has worn this szn has been 90’s trends I hate reincarnated. Sorry bout it.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.43.21 PM

BLECH this is wooftastic. A lace harness over a lace bra, with sleeves and what’s the bottom? Tulle? Feathers? How does fashion exist. Like this was literally just a bunch of scrap materials sewn together and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.44.22 PM

I LOOOOOOOVE teal. Love the hell out of it. But my hate for tiered gowns far outweighs my boner for the color teal.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.44.47 PM

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO to this belt of ruffles. Give me more lilac!

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.14.24 PM

My mom compared this to a kitchen sink scrubber, I tossed out internal organ, now that I’m looking at it again I think we could also say Under the Sea for 100, Alex.

pla-coral-reef-bioplastics

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.14.39 PM

Love the top, everything falls apart on the bottom half. Just chunks of fabric.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.15.14 PM

This is a tacky prom dress. This is something I would’ve tried on at Deb when I was 14 and my mom dropped my friends and I off at the mall so that we could walk around, try things on and eat free samples at Gertrude Hawk. Ah, the simple days. Realistically nothing has changed except that I can drive myself to the mall now and do all of those things because I still can’t afford to buy anything.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.40.46 PM

In other news of sleeves that serve no purpose. I like the lip, I like the hair, I originally had her in my best dressed but if I was really being honest with myself I was tossing her a pity best dressed because she didn’t wow me this year with her looks and I was really settling with this one. I was thinking to myself, well she doesn’t look as bad here as I felt she did at the other red carpets this season but really that wasn’t enough for me. The bolo tie smack in the middle of a gown and the phantom sleeves were irritating me JUST enough that I had to put her on the worst dressed. These are the tough decisions I need to make sometimes. It’s not easy being a judgmental B who blogs for free.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.16.24 PM

I only included this picture so I could also refer everyone to my fiery tweet about the Pittster:

The E red carpet crew collectively creamed their gowns/tuxes over Brad Pitt and HONESTLY WHY.

BEST

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.12.29 PM

KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBE.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.12.51 PM

Love the color and the flattering style here.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.13.46 PM

BARBIE DREAMZ.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.14.13 PM

I’m a known h8er of one strappin it but everything else about this dress is Flawle$$ and therefore my one strap hate can simmer down.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.14.53 PM

So many Hollywood lads go classic black tux for the Oscars and it’s just so boring. Tony is wearing the shit out of this navy blue.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.42.18 PM

Tale as old as time, I put this on the worst dressed list originally and after staring at it long enough I just flipped the switch (flipped the switch switch–that joke will only hit with the youth tik-tok’ers.) and decided I DON’T HATE IT. She’s really serving that red lip and bob and it made me fall in love with the whole ‘fit.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.17.17 PM

KCav going for a real Cinderella story here. *~*Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game*~* A quote that once graced my AIM profile, also from the Hilary Duff classic, A CINDERELLA STORY.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.17.40 PM

I’m living for the coordination here. Also my aforementioned boner for all things teal.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.20.51 PM

This is FIERCE.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.53.30 PM

Holy bananas I love yellow so much. Also great style, also great jewels. Top notch look.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.19.21 PM

Geena is 64 years old and she is OWNING the red carpet in this gown. Hot damn.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.19.54 PM

Another internal conflict here, this dress is beautiful and Sandra looks amahzing and YET those are a pair of sleeves RIGHT THURR. Those are puffy sleeves that cannot be ignored even for a second. *God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change*

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.20.48 PM

Rebel threw me for a loop with this old Hollywood Glam and I love it a lot.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.21.09 PM

My mom and I disagreed on this one, she didn’t like the necklace or the color of the dress and I had to promptly remind her that I wore the same color to prom and she pretended it was pretty then. Unfortunately I chose the bubble hem, which should’ve been illegal.

Screen Shot 2020-02-10 at 12.00.10 AM

(You’re right Mom, it was a lighter shade of green.) Either way, I stand by the army green life.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.21.40 PM

THIS WOMAN IS A FOX AND SHE LOOKS HOT AS HELL FOREVER ON RED CARPETS. I expect nothing less from my namesake. I wonder if people constantly call her Julie in emails as well.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.19.58 PM

In a sea of neutrals on the red carpet, I’m living for this pop of color party frock.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.22.12 PM

I get that out of these two, James is the famous one, but his wife is really who I’m stanning here. That dress is perfect.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.43.53 PM

This is like a Harry Potter witchy vibe and that’s mostly because she’s basically wearing a cloak. Fun fact: the cloak is embroidered with all of the female directors that were snubbed because that was the main storyline this year. Not only do the Oscars hate blacks but also women too.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 7.59.33 PM

A moment of silence for LDC who wears the same damn thing every year but he can because he never ages and is a monumental babe soda. Also because I feel like Janae forcing him to sing on the spot by shoving a mic in his face during the opening sequence was a huge injustice and I’m sure he has the voice of an angel if he’s had the time to warm up his vocals.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.00.09 PM

Oh my lord if she had just rocked some mermaid waves this would’ve won look of the night because it is stunning. But alas, she went for straight outta the shower slick. Womp, wompp.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.00.45 PM

Really respect an actor wearing his basketball warmups to the Oscars with some fancy boots. What an F U to the Academy.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.01.33 PM

There’s nothing that I can logically critique here because she really played it safe. After winning a best look of the night at the Globes with a neon number for me, it’s a huge step down but in no way does she look bad. Classic Oscars feel.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.13.51 PM

BOMBSHELL.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 8.15.44 PM

These two never ever miss.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 6.50.42 PM

Even though her opening performance and very forced audience participation directly followed by her laying on the floor next to the crowd she forced to sing along gave me every uncomfy ever in the world, THIS OUTFIT IS STRAIGHT FIRE. When I was a teenager and moody and emo and dramatic, I used to wear my hood around the house 24/7 and finally my parents were like hey we hate you and your 13 year old dramatic ass is bringing the mood down in this house and making us want to disown you so they set the “no hoods in the house rule”, which basically ruined my life but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD A SPARKLY GOWN WITH A HOOD ON IT?! I WOULD NEVER TAKE THAT SHIT OFF. My parents WOULD NEVER ban a glitzy boss hood like this. The red lip is the cherry on top of an outfit that I need and would wear forever and never let my parents buzzkill.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 3, 2020

1. Feel Good Friday.

View this post on Instagram

(1/11) “It was just a normal morning. Almost exactly five years ago. I was making tea in the kitchen. Bobby was still in bed. And we get this knock on the door. I opened it up slowly, and saw the police standing there. At first I wasn’t worried. We had this crazy lady that lived next door, and the police were always checking up on her. So I assumed they had the wrong address. But the moment I opened the door, twelve officers came barging past me. Some of them had ‘FBI’ written on their jackets. They went straight back to the bedroom, and walked up to Bobby. I heard them ask: ‘What’s your name?’ And he said, ‘Bobby Love.’ Then they said, ‘No. What’s your real name?’ And I heard him say something real low. And they responded: 'You've had a long run.' That’s when I tried to get into the room. But the officer kept saying: ‘Get back, get back. You don’t know who this man is.’ Then they started putting him in handcuffs. It didn’t make any sense. I’d been married to Bobby for forty years. He didn’t even have a criminal record. At this point I’m crying, and I screamed: ‘Bobby, what’s going on?’ Did you kill somebody?’ And he tells me: ‘This goes way back, Cheryl. Back before I met you. Way back to North Carolina.’”

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on

It’s very rare of me to highlight a non-celebrity warm and fuzzy but this one was all the buzz this week and ties into the pop culture world because Jennifer Garner, who has created quite an Insta presence for herself, was commenting all over this, eating this shit right up. And if Jen loves it, we all love it. Humans of NY is an account that highlights regular ass people just trollin around that big, dirty city and gives us their usually heart-warming story. This one was a real nail-biter and had to be delivered in 11 parts. (Click on the insta name to see full story because I’m not about to be posting 11 instas in this blog) In summary, Cheryl and Bobby were married for 40 years, had four children together and the entire time Cheryl had no clue that Bobby was really Walter and a fugitive of the law. NBD. Cheryl loves Bobby anyway and forgave him, teaching us all a very important lesson: there are few Cheryls in this world and you better snatch that shit up and lock her down because anyone who stands by her mans after finding out he is LITERALLY a different person is the true definition of a ride or die. Or, in the words of Jennifer Garner “Cheryl is the American Wife. I can’t even take it.”

2. Surprise Baby.

View this post on Instagram

Remember that project I said I was working on…? The one I told you was my favorite thing I’ve ever been apart of and it killed me to keep it a secret from u…?? Welp, @meganparkitthere and I have kept it to ourselves long enough. Everyone… meet the newest member of our crew, our daughter, Winnie Hilton. 🥰🥰🥰 It feels like we’ve known her our whole lives already and being her Dad the most natural thing I’ve ever done. To say I’m obsessed doesn’t quite do it justice. Meg was incredible, both she and Winnie are doing great, and just like that…we’re a family!! So heads up, go ahead and click Unfollow if you’re NOT interested in seeing me go full Dad on here for awhile… cause that’s what’s going down haha. Until the next record… which even then might be a kids record!! IM OBSESSED!

A post shared by Tyler Hilton (@tylerhilton) on

One Tree Hill’s very own Chris Keller and The Secret Life of the American Teenager’s very own Grace had a surprise baby. At first I was like WHAT THE HELL she’s been posting and she never once looked pregnant how did she keep this under wraps?! Then I realized that when you’re a D list celebrity doing hallmark movies, it’s really very quite simple to hide a pregnancy. I learned this when I saw a headline that said Tyler Hilton and Megan Park are actually married. And I laughed so hard. Favorite part about the ole celebrity surprise baby…no one even knew these two were married and they have been since 2015 lololololol. CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY AND MARRIAGE, GUYS!!!

3. Barf All Over Me.

Screen Shot 2020-02-07 at 10.34.09 AM

I’m not even a little bit exaggerating when I say that I blew chunks all over my keyboard as soon as I feasted my eyes upon this travesty. I’ve shaded Post Malone a whole lot because I genuinely don’t get everyone’s fascination with him. He looks like he needs 100 showers and smells like a bong and is COVERED in tattoos and he basically just auto-tune sings about partying or being single. Syracuse likes to claim Posty as their own because he was born here even though he moved away before he was 10. SO that’s already embarrassing. And then on top of that everything that he does everyone is like OMG POST MALONE IS SO COOL AND HILARIOUS AND TALENTED. Well guess what. HE NOW HAS A BLOODY SAW ON HIS CHEEK. I had to choke back vomit actually typing that. Catchy music or not, I’m out on the face tat game, ESPECIALLY ones with DRIPPING. BLOOD.

4. Jacob in the Kissing Booth with Zendaya.

jacob-elordi-zendaya

Remember when I watched the Kissing Booth 900 times in one summer and wouldn’t stop talking about it to everyone I knew? Refresh your memory HERE . Most of the reason I loved it so much was because babe soda Jacob Elordi was dating Joey King IRL and it was such a precious love story. Obviously as adorable love stories do, that died real quick and I vowed to never watch the Kissing Booth sequel because obviously they would break up in the movie as well and I can’t handle anymore heartbreak. Well now Jacob stars in Euphoria and wouldn’t you know he’s dating his costar from the show, Zendaya. SHOWMANCE WHORE, MUCH?! I guess I’m still a little bitter about Elle and Flynn not making it for the long haul. Either way, what’s hilarious about Zendaya and Jacob dating is that they could not have denied it harder. When asked they were like, we’re just BFF’s, nothin to see here folks! Zendaya even went as far as doubling down that he’s like a brother to her.

Now I don’t have a brother, so please feel free to educate me on this matter, but do brothers and sisters make out on the streets of NYC? You can report back to me on that.

5. Weekend Beatz.

Lots of new music drops today that had my hips a’movin and I felt like why not just share them as a group so you can all groove into the weekend? We’ve got Meek Mill and JT. Never really been a fan of Meek, especially after Drake murdered him in a rap battle. #Neverforget Trigger fingers turn to Twitter fingers. But it’s JT. And apparently he took some time off of cheating on Jess to hit the studio and lay down some soulful croons with a guitar in a shirt that said “Did you miss me?” Uh yeah bitch, we did. Drop a new album, STAT.

Then we’ve got a little country flavor from ya boy Sam Hunt–I use the term country loosely of course because it’s Sam and he likes to insert hip hop flavors.

And last but certainly not least, a little ditty from Niall Horan about the joy of being in a relationship when you can fart in front of each other. Since I love music videos (and being disgusting), and Niall went from being the only 1D member with braces to this babe soda–he deserves his moment to shine.

 

BONUS: Don’t F**k With Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer

I know I’m late to the party because this came out over a month ago but I really didn’t want to ruin my holiday season with murder–just kidding, I was too busy telling anyone who would listen to me that Scott Peterson is innocent to really focus on any other murders at the time. I’m a one murder truther at a time kinda gal. So anyway, since I’ve been plowing through the entire Netflix library at lightning speed lately, I knew that Cats was next on the watch list. I obviously dropped a hint during TV time with the roomies so that I wouldn’t have to watch alone and be scared–there are far too many windows without curtains in my house. And so my dad and I fired it up this week and watched all three parts in one sitting. In the words of John Green (internet murder hunter) HOOOOOOLY SHIT this story was insane. I nearly crapped my pants in the last few minutes when they tie everything together. I will toss in the disclaimer that I don’t advise watching it before bed as I scampered upstairs and asked my parents if I could sleep in their room…but fortunately I did survive the night and now I can obnoxiously push it on everyone who hasn’t watched yet. Also, prepare yourself for someone who spent all of her free time on the internet with a fake name, manhunting a murderer, keeping files and spreadsheets on him and going down google maps streets to find the location of photos–to turn everything on you at the end and tell you that your interest in true crime docs is how murders happen. BOLD. So basically I’m responsible for LOTS of murders according to “Baudi Moovan”. K. Watch at your own risk, I guess.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 27, 2020

1. Bella Babies.

bellas

BECAUSE OF COURSE THESE TWO ARE PREGNANT AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. And listen, I love them a whole lot and want to be BFF’s with them but this is RIDICULOUS. They know it’s ridiculous too. They had to basically be like no this is real and we didn’t plan this like the assholes that you think we are. As the story goes, Brie and Bryan were trying for a second kid for several months and decided to give up because maybe it wasn’t in their plan to have another kid and boom, Brie ends up pregnant. Nikki on the other hand, FRESHLY engaged, obviously did not plan this and therefore we’ve got a Bella oops. My favorite part about this whole story is that Nikki told Brie she was pregnant before telling her fiancé AND Brie was piiiiiisssedddd. Literally her reaction was “this is a nightmare” and that is hilarious to me. No one tells it like it is like your own sister–even more so, your twin. I know this because I have a twin (or so every bouncer and random bar bro who wants to strike up a conversation with us chooses to believe.) In this scenario, Brie would be my sister and I would be Nikki. I know this because I asked my sister the other day if I would be a good mom and she goes, you don’t even like kids. To which I responded, neither do you and you have one. TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, BISH. Honestly though it would be a nightmare for the world if we were ever pregnant at the same time. Look no further than this ahole photo of us wearing leopard coordinated outfits on New Years Eve with bows stolen from my 2 year old niece.

BD41314F-C58C-43F9-B19E-F9304DD6DDD2

But anyway, back to the Bella’s who do wrestling, wine, activewear, skincare, reality TV, podcasts and now BIRTH together. Can’t wait for these babies to come on the exact same day because you KNOW that’s what’s going to happen and they’re both going to go OH MY GOSH! (You’ll only understand this if you’re a Total Bellas fan and have ever turned it into a drinking game.) Also, pour one out for John Cena who DID FINALLY SAY he would give Nikki kids and everyone overlooks that fact and he gets DRAGGED for trying to take away her chance to be a mom. Gawd.

2. GOLDBERG.

goldberg

HEY if I had to see it, so do you. Those are the rules. My eyes will never be the same. This is the second mugshot for ole Goldberg and boy have things changed in the last few years. As it turns out, meth is not GREAT for your face. He was all tweaked out and decided to break into someone’s garage and car. This blows. And I’ll tell you why. I shipped Goldberg. I thought the funny chunk who farted all the time was hilarious and when it was time to buy a Mighty Ducks shirsey, I bought Goldberg’s even though the cool choice would’ve been Conway. I thought Goldberg would’ve struck up more conversations and now I’m ashamed to wear it ever again because these are NOT the conversations I want to be having. I get that most child stars are messed up and pretty much the entire Sandlot cast has gotten arrested at this point, but what a sharp life turn to take going from the 90’s loveable chubster to meth head trolling through people’s homes. Let us remember him and all of my other 90’s boyfs the way they should be remembered, in the best decade ever, in the creepy blog I wrote about them HERE. Also, related but unrelated because Goldberg won’t be asked to join womp womppp, but Emilio Estevez will be in the Disney + Mighty Ducks reboot series. Welcome back, Coach Bombay. Don’t ever slick your hair like the Iceland coach and keep those ducks flying together and we’ll see if I tune in for this sure to be subpar dumpster fire.

3. Mourning Mamba

I wrote a little bit about this in my Grammy’s blog because it had just happened and it felt weird for me to be watching the awards show and making my dumb twitter and red carpet jokes without acknowledging the awful loss of Kobe, his daughter, and their friends on that flight. Now almost a week later, my sentiment remains the same. I won’t pretend for even a second to know anything about sports or Kobe Bryant as a basketball player but I do know that so many people losing several members of their families in one fell swoop is a horrific tragedy and I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt that they’re all going through. I watched and read so many of the tributes and stories about Kobe and his daughter and old interview clips of him talking about his family and I cried at every single one. Out of everything that I saw, the viral #GirlDad movement that Elle Duncan started hit the hardest.

After so many people shared the video, Elle tweeted this out:

And the world flooded Twitter with adorable pics of dads and their daughters. Well Elle, here’s my submission because we can’t shout out Girl Dad’s without tossing the G-Man in the mix. The guy who explains 401K’s in Dawson’s Creek terms, who used the term lettuce in a eulogy because we taught him that it means cool hair, who learned a Jesse and the Rippers song for his live gigs because his daughters could not be more obsessed with the 90’s and who literally laid down on the floor to get a good angle for my Instagram. He’s not a regular dad…he’s a #GirlDad and a #GirlPapa. Seriously, this family has girls coming out of our ears. But that’s why we’re awesome because as Kobe knew, Girls run the world and make our dads 1 billion times cooler.

87BBA793-0CD1-4CDB-B027-5A72456EEB49

D1FDA491-EE47-483E-B158-594AA4F366A6_1_105_cScreen Shot 2020-01-31 at 11.19.17 AM2560F3EB-07C0-4780-A148-571E1CAED52B_1_105_cE3B02568-598A-49ED-BAF2-B0DC914E3FEC

4. My Girl’s Back!

My numero uno girl crush is back on a press tour for her new movie that looks creepy as hell, which means we have so many outfits to feast our eyes on! That yellow Paddington Bear outfit was something I never thought I’d like and yet Blake rocked it and now I’d like to own it for myself. I mean really, quilted yellow shorts. Who would’ve thought? Blake. That’s who.

blake1blake2blake3blake4

In addition to dressing like a boss bitch, she also broke her hand punching Jude Law and the only thing she wanted to tell us about that is how she nailed a dad joke. She is perfect.

5. A Non-Twin Pregnancy

View this post on Instagram

Number 3. 📸: @DangeRussWilson

A post shared by Ciara (@ciara) on

Ciara announced she’s pregnant again in this fierce and tropical photo in the land of rich people vacations and that’s great. Good for her! My bone to pick is with her husband, who also put his own announcement on InstaG and it looked like this:

View this post on Instagram

Number 3. @Ciara

A post shared by Russell Wilson (@dangerusswilson) on

I’m sure he was just flexing his portrait mode skillz but if my husband posted a selfie where my pregnant bod is BLURRED OUT IN THE BACKGROUND to announce that we’re having a kid, I would lose my shit. HEY BUD, WHO CARRIES THIS KID FOR 9 MONTHS DEALING WITH CRAVINGS AND NO DRINKING AND THROWING UP AND FEELING LIKE GARBO AND THEN PUSHES THIS HUMAN OUT OF A HOLE THAT IS NOWHERE NEAR 10 CM? NOT YOU IN YOUR REFLECTIVE AVIATORS AND YOUR STUPID EXPENSIVE CHAINS, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. Get your shit together, Russell and start worshipping your Queen, the temple that will house your child and then bring it into this world. PERIOD. (I just binged Cheer in one day and that will now become an annoying thing that I picked up from it and overuse until everyone around me wants to punch me. PERIOD.)

BONUS: Get YO asses ready for JLo (and Shakira) to run train all over the football field this Sunday and I guess two teams will play and there will be commercials and snacks and stuff. But mostly JLo and dem gunz. And Demi kicking things off by roaring about ‘Merica. If you’re really lucky, I’ll blog about the puddle of drool that collects on the floor while I wear my big hoops and sweatsuit in honor of my gurl.

Standard
Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2020

Losing Kobe Bryant and his young daughter along with the other passengers on that helicopter was incredibly heartbreaking and tragic in itself. Then to have to pull off a huge awards show (and 9 hours of a red carpet…I’m looking at you, E) in the same place he played in all of those years on the same day he died where fans were congregating in honor of his memory made it a whole lot worse. Who the hell cares about Hollywood bullshit and awards shows when something that horrific happens? Thankfully, it was the Grammys…out of all the awards shows it could’ve been, I’m glad it was the Grammys. We didn’t have to hear comedians try to joke about it and make it more awkward and we didn’t have to hear actors try to talk about it in acceptance speeches that they’re also trying to make political statements within. Instead, we got the awards show that is 99% music. And out of everything that it could’ve been, hearing singers and musicians share their talents and their emotions through music actually had a chance to bring people together. Alicia Keys was the perfect host to make it all happen because she’s genuine and also has the voice of an angel. The opening tribute was perfect and gave me chills. There was nothing tryhard about it.

Lizzo opened by blowing the roof off with “Cuz I Love You”, Camila sang a VERY dusty tribute to her father, Billie didn’t scare my face off with fire and rolling eyes but instead went for a soulful rendition of “When the Party’s Over”, Demi performed for the first time since she overdosed with an emotional powerhouse song about how she was feeling before it happened. Basically, the ladies of music showed UP and made me cry a lot. Lotta tears, lotta girl power. But at the end of the day, even though it’s stupid and meaningless and life is short, I’m still gonna throw up my very uneducated opinions about the red carpet and how I thought everyone looked. Even though most people skipped the red carpet and it wasn’t really a priority, I enjoy fashion and awards shows and I’m gonna keep barfing my opinions into the void. You can decide if you want to read them or not because that’s the JOY OF THE INTERNET. Ok. I’ve had too much wine and meats. I’m done. Bye bye.

WORST

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.47.57 PM

Maybe I’m just too old and this is how the youths dress these days but I cannot get on board with Billie’s punk rock alien jammies aesthetic. Like, does she go to the salon and say, just glop out some lime green on top of my head. Yeah, just the top.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.50.24 PM

Tonight’s lampshade edition. Or Featherduster from Beauty and the Beast. Take your pick, really.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.51.03 PM

Speaking of Home Depot, can we interest you in some paint samples of Pantone’s color of the year? Pick a shade and get those paintbrushes ready!

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.53.41 PM

Can appreciate a good leg moment but this dress is not a home run for me.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.02.34 PM

This is the hardest I’ve ever seen Priyanka miss on a red carpet. She doesn’t strike me as a nipples out, belly button ring shimmering while her back tassles blow in the breeze kinda gal but here we are. If I could separate Nick out and put him on the best dressed I would because I love the gold shimmer.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.03.17 PM

Sry BB, never thought I’d say this but it’s just too much teal for me. Also him and Gwen Stefani must’ve talked lampshade chic because the hat turns into one.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.03.57 PM

Once again a sordid tale of one half of the photo being brought down by the other half. Chris’s daughter is CRUSHING her fur separates, Chris looks like a giant Easter bunny.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.06.21 PM

Again, JoBro on POINT and J sister just not doing it for me. I come across as a real Sophie h8er on my red carpets lately but please know that’s only because I genuinely dislike everything that she chooses to wear.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.36.23 PM

Nope. What is with the extra long one-sider? I will never understand this.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.36.42 PM

Great color but I’ve been very outspoken about my hate for the ruffle life.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.37.46 PM

Oh great, another thing I’ve been megaphoning my hate for this awards szn, CHUNKS OF HAIR HANGING IN THE FACE. YOU WANNA BRING THE 90’S BACK? TOSS ON A PAIR OF OVERALLS OR A SCRUNCHIE. THAT’S IT. THAT’S WHERE IT ENDS.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.39.26 PM

Oh ok, Princess of Darkness. The black cloak and hard bangz made this a little too Morticia Addams for my liking.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.04.26 PM

Honestly I had this on my best dressed list but then looked at it again and it was just too clown-like for me to let it slide. I hate to do it because I stan a spicy jacket but there were a lot of men who showed up and didn’t have circus vibez.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.38.34 PM

I’m so perplexed by this. What’s the point of wearing a white romper if you’re just going to toss a black curtain over JUST ONE SIDE OF IT? Even more pressing…going to the bathroom in a romper is a disaster in itself, toss in a halfsie cape and we’re really creating a dumpster fire potty situation here. T’s and P’s for her bladder, hopefully she’s forward thinking and strapped on a diap. with all the drinking that I’m sure occurs on music’s biggest night.

 

BEST

Lucky Daye

I have straight heart eyes for this seafoam joint right here.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.47.25 PM

I gotta respect a mean mug in a hot pink cowboy crop.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.47.40 PM

Grammy gents really came through with jazzy jackets.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.48.39 PM

So effortlessly coordinated, a bold color and a print. Nicely done, boyz.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.48.58 PM

Simple and stunning on Maggie, she even found herself a designer purse to hold her aluminum water bottle. Stay hydrated for that glow, y’all! (Also, I wish my curly hair ever looked this shiny and glossy and perfect.)

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.51.41 PM

Lizzo arriving to her wedding, preparing to kick off the night with a little wailing and a little flute playing.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.54.45 PM

Leopard AND Leatha? I bow down.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.06.12 PM

Young Jonai, look up to the eldest for this one. They nailed it.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.12.46 PM

In a world where you’re not flashy enough unless your nips or vag are out on the red carpet, I can extra appreciate the girls who are risky without putting all the goods on display. I don’t know what this mesh-like turtleneck is made of, but I love the allure of check out my boobs without knocking us in the face with them. Literally.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.38.28 PM

OH BABY HOT PINK

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.39.04 PM

Ask my roomie, I literally laughed out loud at this outfit and said that because of it causing me to burst out laughing, I approved. It’s just so ridiculous. I mean he has a baby pink piece of luggage. COME ON. When asked about his look, he said I travel a lot and I appreciate bellmen so I wanted to dress as one. That’s hilarious. Stupid? Yes. But stupidly hilarious. Didn’t make up for his performance that I was actually frightened during. Guess I’m too old for that.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 7.39.20 PM

Lady suit. STAND UP.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.37.05 PM

I mean this is a gorgeous dress and she looks great but my eye was immediately drawn to that flawless cat eye if we’re being completely honest.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.38.07 PM

Shania with the Ariana pony and the sassy romper, yaaass gurl.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.39.04 PM

Babe soda to the maxx.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.39.47 PM

All these magentas and maroons on the men tonight….woooooo buddy, I love it.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.40.09 PM

It’s Mr. Steal Yo Gurl going for a more casual look with tousled hair and losing the nerdbomber finger gunz. Too busy holding his designer shades casually by his side. What a style ‘tude he’s forming.

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 8.40.50 PM

Oh Ursher, baby. Little glitz, little velour hoodie and slippers. He also changed into some leathers for his Prince tribute during the show and hot damn did he werk those bad boys.

Shaun Ross

This guy is named Shaun Ross. I have no idea who he is but I was in awe of this head to toe pearl situation. Literally gazed at it. That’s WAY more impressive than Nick and Joe wearing a pearl necklace and leaving Kevin out ONCE AGAIN.

BEST LOOK(S) OF THE NIGHT:

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 6.48.17 PM

Screen Shot 2020-01-26 at 9.23.29 PM

I mean she kinda cheated because she wore two looks for the red carpet but they were both gorgeous and she definitely outshined everyone else with these moments. The ultimate princess gowns with that holier than thou sassy high pony. May not be practical to sit in but those are both statement gowns and if I was ever lucky enough to walk a red carpet I’d be going balls to the wall like this.

Shoutout to this savage tweet though:

Standard